I just masturbated for the first time in 25 days. The let down was huge, like doing a line of cocaine, 20 minutes after wishing for another, my body is left tingling, but there is nothing in that orgasm that leaves me satisfied. The session didn’t last more than 4 minutes, and the climax was 30 seconds max. So I went for another. Body still buzzing, but the feeling that I could sit here all day and try to recreate that first one washes through me, and I know I have to bid my vibrator fair well.
My name is Jennie and I am a sex and love addict.
I graduated from a rehab clinic 5 days ago, and haven’t known what to do with myself since then. My therapist Jill says I need to create a structured day plan Sunday through Sunday, and it is within this structure that I may find my life. She says occasionally things will pop up that interfere with my plans, but like life, these things will be dealt with moment by moment. I’m still unsure of what healthy masturbation is, but recognizing the feeling and memory of my old habits helps me see that I am not ready to partake of my ”self” yet. Even after three weeks of intensive therapy, I know that I am not ready for sex. Even with myself.
Today is a big day, as every day has been since my release upon the world. Its funny. I went to jail a couple years back for an OUI, had to do a 24 hr stint in the big house, and upon my release, I put out press saying “Penny Flame is freed upon the world again.” This release feels entirely different. It feels like Penny Flame was never free. But I suppose she wasn’t. There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment. There is nothing free in playing a character that isn’t you. There is nothing free about being someone other than the person you are. And this is why I have decided to leave Penny behind, and move forward in life as Jennie. The person I started this world as, and the person I will be leaving this earth as. Because one day Jennie will die, where as Penny Flame can live forever. Especially since I’ve shot enough content to have new releases coming out until the day Jennie dies. The things we do in the midst of an addiction never cease to amaze me.
And I am amazed.
I am amazed at the amount of change I’ve gone through in such a short period of time. I’m amazed that even in being out of rehab, I wish to return to the comfortable structure that PRC provides. I’m amazed that looking out in the valley does nothing but make my stomach churn when thinking about the life and woman I am leaving behind. And I am amazed that I’ve found the courage within myself to leave this woman behind. The strong, emotionless woman I’ve allowed to dictate my life is to be left behind in the valley of pornographic material and lost hearts.
Every year hundreds, probably thousands of girls come to this valley to be the next Jenna. The next Bella. And now, perhaps they will come to be the next Penny. Unfortunately, none of these people are real people. Jenna has a real name, and life, as does Bella. And now I can too.
My name is Jennie Ketcham, and I am a recovering pornstar. And addict. This day, as every day, is the first day of the rest of my life, and I intend to live it to the fullest.