I just masturbated for the first time in 25 days. The let down was huge, like doing a line of cocaine, 20 minutes after wishing for another, my body is left tingling, but there is nothing in that orgasm that leaves me satisfied. The session didn’t last more than 4 minutes, and the climax was 30 seconds max. So I went for another. Body still buzzing, but the feeling that I could sit here all day and try to recreate that first one washes through me, and I know I have to bid my vibrator fair well.
My name is Jennie and I am a sex and love addict.
I graduated from a rehab clinic 5 days ago, and haven’t known what to do with myself since then. My therapist Jill says I need to create a structured day plan Sunday through Sunday, and it is within this structure that I may find my life. She says occasionally things will pop up that interfere with my plans, but like life, these things will be dealt with moment by moment. I’m still unsure of what healthy masturbation is, but recognizing the feeling and memory of my old habits helps me see that I am not ready to partake of my ”self” yet. Even after three weeks of intensive therapy, I know that I am not ready for sex. Even with myself.
Today is a big day, as every day has been since my release upon the world. Its funny. I went to jail a couple years back for an OUI, had to do a 24 hr stint in the big house, and upon my release, I put out press saying “Penny Flame is freed upon the world again.” This release feels entirely different. It feels like Penny Flame was never free. But I suppose she wasn’t. There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment. There is nothing free in playing a character that isn’t you. There is nothing free about being someone other than the person you are. And this is why I have decided to leave Penny behind, and move forward in life as Jennie. The person I started this world as, and the person I will be leaving this earth as. Because one day Jennie will die, where as Penny Flame can live forever. Especially since I’ve shot enough content to have new releases coming out until the day Jennie dies. The things we do in the midst of an addiction never cease to amaze me.
And I am amazed.
I am amazed at the amount of change I’ve gone through in such a short period of time. I’m amazed that even in being out of rehab, I wish to return to the comfortable structure that PRC provides. I’m amazed that looking out in the valley does nothing but make my stomach churn when thinking about the life and woman I am leaving behind. And I am amazed that I’ve found the courage within myself to leave this woman behind. The strong, emotionless woman I’ve allowed to dictate my life is to be left behind in the valley of pornographic material and lost hearts.
Every year hundreds, probably thousands of girls come to this valley to be the next Jenna. The next Bella. And now, perhaps they will come to be the next Penny. Unfortunately, none of these people are real people. Jenna has a real name, and life, as does Bella. And now I can too.
My name is Jennie Ketcham, and I am a recovering pornstar. And addict. This day, as every day, is the first day of the rest of my life, and I intend to live it to the fullest.
Max
May 4, 2009
No way (p)Jennie wrote this.
(p)Jennie if this is just a marketing stunt brought on by your friend KBtools.
Expect to be flamed to hell and back. Not a smart move.
But if this is actually YOU writing this and this is REAL and coming from your heart… and YOU honestly want and need a change and you are taking the proper steps to make that change…
Good for you! and Good Luck to you!
Hal
May 5, 2009
I am floored by your courage to find out who you are! I stand up and applaud you. I mean wow, you are really seeing that the previous way of living was in essence not the real you. I hope that someday soon you will be able to really feel, really dream and really hope. None of this takes God by surprise, and I ask that God would be near you in this process.
Ugo Strange
May 4, 2009
I’m proud of you. It’s encouraging to see porn stars that I’ve actually frequented before turn their lives around. Thank you so much for your blog, I’m praying for you. Peace in Christ. n_n;;
Jared B.
May 4, 2009
Hi Jennie, I’m Jared. I’ve been a serious fan of your aforementioned persona for a long time, and while I am admittedly sad to see her go, I’m happy that you’re getting your life back. I know the road will be hard, but really the worst part is over, it’s no longer about admitting and revelations anymore. Now, all you have to do is stay the course. Be strong, I know you can do it. It’s all about coasting on your own willpower from here on out.
Again, I’m happy you’ve gotten yourself back. Oh, and Jennie… welcome back.
Dan
May 4, 2009
Hello Jennie – I’m glad to see that you can pour your heart out in a blog post.. It shows that you really want to make a change in your life. Hope anyone who reads this can make an effort to chip in, any way they can.
Anthony
May 4, 2009
Jennie,
Just wanted to wish you all the best. I’ve dealt w/ an alchoholic parent all my life and I know how it is. As a result of it I never actually drank all my life, though as a result of my job I’m surrounded by it all the time so it can be hard. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and I want you to know you can do it.
Anthony
Gabriel Cuesta
May 4, 2009
Congratulations Jennie!
You are a very brave person. You have guts to change your life.
I hope (and pray) that you heal soon. You are a person, not a toy, and you have right to have a full life.
I’m sure that in a couple of years your past will seem only a nightmare.
Congratulations again!
carolemarie
May 4, 2009
Hey Jennie! That is great news! I am so glad that you have a brand new life and I am praying for peace and blessings and abundance in your life!
You are an inspiration to everyone who reads your story!
Love and peace,
Carolemarie
Eddie
May 4, 2009
Bless you, my sister in Christ. I pray for your strength now. I pray that you will NEVER tire of your new path and you will gain momentum with every step!
If you need prayer for anything, please feel free to contact me at the myspace page or the email address.
In the meantime, just know that I STAND with you in prayer and HOPE for a bright future!
nathan
May 4, 2009
Hello, Jennie.
I’m Nathan. I’m an ex porn addict. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Today was a hard day for me, too. May the God of peace help us overcome.
Dear, Lord… help us overcome!
peace,
nathan
David
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I was a big fan of Penny Flame and am sorry to hear she’s gone.
I wish Jennie the very best of luck taking a different direction in her life. You sound smart and articulate – people will love you as Jennie.
D, xx
Bill
May 5, 2009
Hi Jennie!
Welcome to life lived to the fullest!
Hang in there. Don’t let the naysayers get you down.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
Bill
F-U-Jimmy
May 5, 2009
Jennie
You are such a great person, if this is what you truly want then i know you will get your wish. You are truly one of the nicest people i have worked with since coming to the USA and i wish you health, joy and happiness
mike
May 5, 2009
Wow. I want to construct a terribly pithy reply, but right now all I can do is tell you that I am very happy that you have made this change. And this is coming from a very big Penny Flame fan. However, Jennie is much more important, and just as interesting, if not more so.
I did want to ask you something though. Since you are retiring, but not totally distancing yourself from the business, or condemning it from what I have read so far, I was wondering how you feel about “Penny Flame” fans continuing to watch your films. I don’t think I could enjoy them if they have caused you to be in your current state. I don’t really think, though, that you are blaming porn as much as your personal demons, even prior to porn.
Sorry to ramble, but if you could please clarify what your feelings are about your work, and if you care one way or the other if your fans continuing to watch it. Thanks, and again I am very happy to see you off the substances and focusing on your future, and I am very stoked that you are going to continue blogging.
Cosmo Burton
May 5, 2009
I love you Jennie.
I am glad you are trying to get help with your problems.
You seem like a very affectionate woman, what a paradise it would be to have you for a lover.
I like your paintings.
bob
May 5, 2009
I stumbled across your site, a buddy posted pinkcross.org, but good for you! Change is the hardest thing anyone can do, and I wish you the best. It’s tough admitting issues, and you seem like you’re well on the road to a good recovery. Stick with it, and just take one day at a time. Tomorrow is always easier than yesterday.
Becky Congleton
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I applaud you for your courage. the first step is to admit you have a problem. You have done that and are on the road to recovery. I speak from experience. I am a recovering alcoholic. It is a day by life but it will get easier. Keep up the good work and stay true to yourself.
W Y
May 5, 2009
Congratulations on your new life, Jennie! I know it will be hard, but I wish you the best of luck in finding yourself and getting to a better place!
alexia formerly lexi bardot
May 5, 2009
Go Jen! I’m really happy for you!
Mike D
May 5, 2009
An absolutely awesome testimony, Jenni; really thought-provoking and insightful. You’ve done absolutely the right thing leaving this half-life behind, and the power of your writing indicates the power you have for inspiring others. But first you need to heal yourself. . . .
“. . .but there is nothing in that orgasm that leaves me satisfied.”
The British journalist and author Malcolm Muggeridge (1903-1990) once lamented that in our “permissive” society “The orgasam had replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfilment.” He’d been a Communist and a serial womaniser as a young man, but came to Christ in his 60s.
Muggeridge said that in the late 1960s, but who could have forseen back then the darkness that ’60s liberalism would lead to: the broken lives, the mass addictions, a merciless sexualised consumer culture, the sexualisation of childhood; the longing and fulfilment that we all seek as part of our human nature reduced to the debased emotional currency of cheap thrills and muscular spasms.
“Penny Flame was never free. . .There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment.”
Absolutely, the world in which we live encourages us, almost forces us to live in false “personas”, never really knowing ourselves. God knows, I’ve lived so much of my life under these kinds of delusions.
But I’m not sure the “Penny” persona even really lived for others’ “enjoyment”, those of us who have or are trying to get rid of porn addictions know that like any addiction the “enjoyment” phase is a fleeting thing, and once that’s gone all that’s left is compulsive, habitual and ultimately meaningless behaviour that achieves nothing but separating us from ourselves and from God, leaving us feeling ashamed and confused.
This sort of objectification prevents us from living authentically for each other, and for God. Porn merely an aspect of a wider phenomenon of this fallen world that turns each of us into an egotistical “I” viewing others as an “IT” to be used and exploited. The Jewish philosopher Martin Bauber suggested that forging more intimate I-THOU relationships with ourselves and with God is a way of overcoming the mercilessness of the I-IT view of the world.
“Because one day Jennie will die, where as Penny Flame can live forever. Especially since I’ve shot enough content to have new releases coming out until the day Jennie dies.”
Don’t bank on it! The power and eloquence of your words suggests to me that Jennie is able to achieve greater and more lasting things than Penny ever could!
“The things we do in the midst of an addiction never cease to amaze me.”
Absolutely again! What more can I say? Elsewhere on these fora I’ve mentioned what addiction has done to people who I have loved dearly, and what they have done to me.
“And I am amazed that I’ve found the courage within myself to leave this woman behind.”
Grace is truly amazing. . . .
“The strong, emotionless woman I’ve allowed to dictate my life is to be left behind in the valley of pornographic material and lost hearts.”
Was she really so strong, Jennie, or was it just the illusion of strength, or that our materialistic society somehow values the surpression of emotion as “strength”? You mention “lost hearts”, and earlier that you were a “sex and love” addict.
Perhaps this is they key to understanding the young women who go to lose their hearts in the valley of death, and the voyeurs who stare into that valley’s pain and suffering through their computer screens; we lose our hearts in the mire, and when we can no longer feel we mistake this for strength; we make idols of loneliness masked in lust, and mistake this for the love that we all need.
“Every year hundreds, probably thousands of girls come to this valley to be the next Jenna.”
I really feel that the tide is beginning to turn against porn, and that we all of us can be agents of change, getting control over our lives, learning to live authentically once again and helping reset our society’s moral compass.
God bless you Jennie, and give you strength.
Ragamuffin
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I’m really happy to hear this. All I can tell you is that I’m thinking about you and praying for you. I know this can’t be easy but I’m sure that the payoff is worth it.
Peace in Christ,
R.
Bob
May 5, 2009
Dear Jennie ,
Not much to add that won’t sound redundant to other’s comments above, but wanted to offer a Buddhist ‘loving-kindness’ prayer that’s helped me through some very dark times—and resonates so much with what you shared . I wish it for you every day :
May you be at peace…
May your heart remain open…
May you come to know the beauty of your own true nature…
May you be healed.
Sergio
May 6, 2009
I was also a drug addict for many many years, I know what its like to go down that path, stealing, pawning, the come ups, come downs, all of it. I just want to say, that your not alone (not in the least bit). My drug addiction was with MDMA, Crystal Meth, and Cocaine. All it did was lead me through a downward spiral with emotions of sadness, frustration, anger, and the worsts ones of all, feelings of emptiness. Thanks to one trip down to a place called the Emergency Room, in a hospital in some random town far far away. I too decided to turn my life around step by step, and so I did. Ive been sober since November of 2007, and it feels great. Its a whole new beginning.
After accidentally finding out of this blog of yours, and reading it…thoroughly.. I would like to say that, although not knowing you personally, I can tell your a beautiful human being, with tremendous potential, in any path you choose to take. And once again, your not alone
Thank You…
and sorry if all of this sounds corny and cheesy, but I felt like I had to leave my own personal little thoughts on the subject, coming out from an ex junkie.
PS: You don’t need any negative person in your life judging you, based on the decisions you took in the past, kick them the fuck out of your life.
Roland
May 6, 2009
GOTTA KETCHAM ALL
Steve
May 6, 2009
I don’t think I ever met Penny, but I certainly contributed to the industry that kept her in chains. For that, I’m sorry. I’m glad I’ve met you, Jennie, and you have my prayers for the journey ahead of you.
RKW
May 6, 2009
You are one amazing, tough story of a person.
If you need to pull the plug on being a public person here too, I hope you do. It must be an added complication to open yourself up on a public blog. Maybe for now you need that. Maybe you won’t want it sometime.
I was a fan of your former persona. I’m just as big a fan of your butterfly self emerging from that old one.
You actually helped me through your former job — it was important work, believe it or not. May the Force be with you on your new journey. You kick some major ass, babe.
XaTooK
May 6, 2009
Congratulation Jennie,
Penny died and Jennie reborn,
It’s so courageous. It was a long time I didn’t read your blog and I’m happy to see you’re always enjoy to live.
Now you are alone in your body, it’s really you !!!
Your come back is like a sunrise :most beautyfull than past.
Have enjoy and love life.
XaTooK
Jose
May 6, 2009
I’ve heard of things like this (people getting out of porn) but it’s rare that there is such a personal narrative attached to the “escaping the industry” experience. And when someone does escape the industry, they seem to fall back into it. I find it interesting that there a pattern of substance abuse and involvement in the porn industry among its participants. I wonder if there are any sober adult performers who are interested in their vocation and see it as a legitimate creative pursuit.
Johnny
May 7, 2009
Hi,Jennie,or Penny! My name is Johnny Akiro. 4 years ago I was just liked u. I was addicted to cocaine and alcohol and I didn’t have no way of stoping it till I have lost 2 of my best friends and I try to killed myself twice but I couldn’t. I was depressed about my 2 brothers being in Iraq without me and I wanting them to come home safe. I’m glad that u r gettin’ help. I decided to take MMA to get over my drygs addict. I’m so brave of u getting better and I hoped u succeed because ur a good peron and a great artist. I loved u,Jennie!
Johnny A.
Ron
May 7, 2009
I am sure you know there are 12 Step groups for Sex Addiction. In AA I used to just tell people I was also really struggling with the same thing Bill W describes on page 68 ~ 70 (go figure) of the AA BB (Bill W in many people’s “opinion” would have qualified as a sex addict). Many jump from booze to sex, never realizing they have a serious issue. It is called “13th Stepping” when it happens to the vulnerable.
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) – very strict, no sex outside of a heterosexual marriage.
Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) – You and your sponsor figure out bottom lines and sobriety
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) – Many more gals there who are working on jumping from one relationship to another, the “buzz/fix” of new love. Same sobriety as SAA
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) – Mostly gay and lesbian, same as SAA et all for sobriety. I like their idea:
SCA ~ Is the activity placing unreasonable demands on my time and
energy, will it place me in legal jeopardy or endanger my mental, physical or
spiritual health?
Best to look up the phone numbers and call for a meeting, and “Any port in a storm.” In SA I would just say “I am sober today.” and let it go. But the web sites are often behind in meetings, better to call.
In the end, it all comes down to emotions, fear, anger (resentment), shame, sometimes depression or bi-polar.
Fear – Find something to trust (HP)
Anger – forgive (They/I did the best they could with what they/I had.)
Shame – It is an illness, not an ethical decision. Let it go.
Depression and bi-polar, best worked with a shrink.
I wish you well, it can be the most wonderful journey.
Falcon
May 7, 2009
Way to go Jennie! My prayers follow you. You’re an inspiration to all of us, addicts and stars alike. Rock on girl!!
DonnerSummitDweller
May 7, 2009
Hello Jennie,
It takes alot to post private info on such a public fucking corkboard bullitenboard…so…congrats on that.
I was addicted for a while, don’t freak out, but to killing. I was in the military for 11+ years and became jaded to the whole combat thing and then I found “myself” liking it. I knew I was sick when I was volunteering “myself” for missions that I knew there was gonna be trouble.
I went home after the 2nd 7 month deployment to ……….. and my friends and family saw huge changes. And then I knew I was sick and had to do something. So I decided to get out of the service. I needed to find “myself” again and a balance in life where I could forget about all the bad shit that I did. I decided to take a job at a ski resort in northern cal not far from where I’m from and I taught snowboarding.
I found myself surrounded by the greatest people in the world. The most understanding, giving, selfless people on earth. After working and of course riding almost everysingle day in the beautiful sierra nevadas this season, I found the old me fading away more and more each day. I became a person that people have learned to love, just for being myself.
I know what you mean in your other posting about not knowing what to say to people in the simplest conversations. It sucks fiucking balls, I hated it.
After like 4 months of being up here on the summit people found it hard to believe what i used to do and all the crazy shit.
I’m not telling you what to do or anything, but my advice is to go somewhere and start over. Go somewhere where no one knows who you are or what you used to be or do. Take none of that bs bagagge that we as people take with us. Its like starting over new with a deep breath of fresh ass air. There’s nothing more cleansing.
But, as I sit here rambling, I think it’s great that 2 people that have never met and probably will never meet have so much in common but it is so much different but I know exactly how you feel.
And its fucking killer you have a dog too, there is nothing like a stinkin ass dog to make you smile. My boy, a chocolate lab is like a therapist himself.
Keep your head up girl, everythings gonna be fine. Another thing, I’ve found myself doing alot of things for other people that I wouldn’t have done in the past. Like big favors, little stupid shit but doing nice thing for others nontheless. “The universe will always provide.”, my hippie friend J from Maine that I met up here told me that and it makes total sense. Do something good and it’ll come around, you’ll see.
I cant even remember how I stumbled upon this but I’m glad.
Take care and if you ever find yourself up in Truckee/Lake Tahoe area you’ll see what I mean.
Brian Jones
May 8, 2009
Jenna congratulations, it takes real courage and come out and say what you said. There is a whole new life ahead of you, it wont always be easy but you have a God who loves you and know that I am praying for you and other girls who are coming out of the industry.
Fashion INTEL
May 8, 2009
Jennie,
This blog is amazing and I think you’re inspiring to any person who needs to find their voice again. I wish you well.
Andrew
May 8, 2009
Hey Jennie!
Im so happy to see you’ve gotten out of the biz! I always knew you were too cool, kind hearted person and beautiful for that shit! Your blog has become and inspiration in my life and i’ll try change my life around for the better as well! For real this time
Thanks Jennie, for all you’ve done! Peace out <3
Love,
Andrew S.
Andrew
May 8, 2009
PS:
Not to sound all “priest-ish” im atheist but i just felt like saying it 
May love and luck shine upon you and your travels
Anyway I wish you the very best <3
Carlos
May 9, 2009
Wow Amazing
You are an example to anyone, to battle with out own mind and come thru
God Bless You
You are very very Brave
Andrew
May 9, 2009
I love you ma’m
robert
May 9, 2009
Hi jenni, my name is robert, and im an addict.
Although unlike you i havent found my strenght to quit. I just seem to replace my addictions.
Lets start with anger. I played football as a child but kept getting called out for unneccesary roughness. I saw a child therapist, but no use. I just learned how to hide it.
My parents where both alcoholics so they didnt notice i started dipping into there bottles. AIDS wasnt in middle and high school
robert
May 9, 2009
OOPPS SORRY>
yet anyways> teens are indestructable> right?
in basic training i found that without that sex fix the anger came rearing its ugly head and i got kick out of the army for fighting if u can believe it> im a trucker now< although i never drink and drive i cant even remember half the names even if u told me>
then again i cant remember what i just did to my brother keyboard
sorry im rambling your stories do inspire> i”ll start with today> and maybe buy a new keyboard>
Ty Poe
May 9, 2009
Light greenish-gray on off-white? Isn’t that needlessly pretentious? If you want to share your thoughts clearly, then set them down in black and white — literally.
a friend, in hope
May 10, 2009
Compulsion is never easy to leave behind, but always worth struggling against. For me, it’s always been clandestine porn-watching. And during that time, you were one of my favorites. Fearless and silly. Or, at least that’s what we were shown. Through the production. Penny Flame.
Now, we find out that, surprise, you are a person, like each one of us. I can tell from your first refreshing post that you are starting to feel empowered. Believe me when I say that, being another person struggling against the porn compulsion on the other side of the camera, I feel you are empowering others as well. Like me. Thanks.
Keep us posted. We want to hear your continuing story. Personally, I’d like to hear your thoughts on the whole porn thing. Like millions of others, I can more easily buy into its false reality than the real reality around me. It’s beauty is somehow, I don’t know, SAFER than real life.
But what’s ultimately funny about it is this: your pictures, in the header to this blog, are more beautiful than any video or photo shoot you’ve done. Freedom, captured.
Jennie Ketchum is freed upon the world again. And she’s a fucking good writer, too. This is good news.
Good riddance, Penny Flame.
Linni
May 11, 2009
I am proud of you Jennie! Admitting there is a problem is the hardest part in recovery.. i will be clean and sober 25 years this month ( may ) and know how hard it can be.. Look to God for your strength.. for your hope, and for you encouragement..
i will keep you in my prayers!
Gods blessings
Linni
RockPepe
May 12, 2009
Congrats for backing to life Jennie
Big Kisses from Spain
PEPE
Kai
May 13, 2009
Too long a day between lack of sleep, fishing and working…story and more picks to come, all i gotta say is EPIC
Oh man what a day…
Ok ok, first off lemme say SORRY for the extended teaser post, i seriously haven’t stopped going since thursday night, to call me a mess right now would be an under statement! I really don’t know where to begin on this one so i’m just gonna start from the beginning…
SOOOO…..
The friday before last i got the invite to head out saturday on a friend of mines boat that is a member at the yacht club i work at, lemme just say his sled is SICK! its a 30′ Aluminum he built himself custom made for fishing, i’ll find some pic’s and post em up when i can, but just picture eveything you’d ever want in a fishing boat and more all specified for fishing, every handymans wet dream
. So we headed out at 7am in wishy washy conditions outta MB, and again that boat is just awesome, instead of jumping off waves we would PLOW thru them like butter and just charge along, sitting in the cabin it looked like we were inside of one of those gas station car washes cruisn’ at top speed watchin all of the other boats around us headed out go for a rollercoaster ride, too cool. To keep a long story short i’m gonna summerize the rest of the day. 2 hrs of trollin for T’s= nada 
. Change up the pace, limit out on rock fish in an hour= 
. back to T sharkin’, we set out the trollers and within 15min get SLAMMED, no knockdown just strait hook up! And so it began, 4 hrs of shear madness sharkwreakin whoop ourbuttness! It started out as you would expect, a big shark pissed it is now pierced and going on big runs, but the problem was this shark wouldn’t stop till it hit the bottom, and we were in 1000′ and counting! 
. Now i haven’t fought many T’s but we would pull this one up 200-300yds and it would hit a point where it would just jet strait back down nothin stoppin it, now were in drifting into 1200′, 1300′ 1400′ and counting and the bare spool is showing!!! At this point the guy whose boat it is yells at me to grab the other reel, one of those HUGE penn’s and has me hook the line up to the eyelets on the reel he’s using so that when the line runs out he’ll tighten down the drag and toss the rod and start fighting it on the bigger pole…now things are just getting nuts 
!! luckly it never quite got to the end. Fast forward a 3 hrs and we got this fish to within 80′ feet of the boat and [size=24]POP[/size], GONE….i’ll account it to fatuige and equipment failure, 4 hrs fight’n a fish that WONT quit, and a Penn 113 that is SHOT, swell came and my friends thumb was on the spool, game over. In disbelief we headed back in. Plenty of taco meat so the day wasn’t a loss, but if that wasn’t the one that got away what is?! 
…or was it….
Fast forward to last thursday…
. The bait on one of the jigs is gone so i suggested that we switch the bait over since that was the same jig we lost out heart breaker on the weekend before. it worked…30min later we got another knockdown, but this time threw it into free spool and it hit again, HOOK-UP!!!!! Now my neighbor took the reigns on this one since it was his operation, he was reelin it in like it a was dead trout and we were both thinkin we had hooked up on something smaller or a different species or something cause he really was reelin it in like it wasn’t even on there…till it came to color! at about 30′ feet out we saw it and realized this wasn’t any guppie, and funny thing is at the same time i feel like it finally realized it was hooked and decided to get the hell outta dodge! Now as many of you know with the T’s you usually foul hook’em in the tail and they die pretty quick while reelin’ em in…this was not the case. We hooked this mama in the mouth, now we’re in for it! Now again to keep a longer story short he (my neighbor) fought it for a good 2 hrs while i manuvered the boat around trying to gain some ground on this beast. At the same time I’m trying not swamping the back of the boat into a burly wave, and making our day into a survival tale. About 2 hrs into it he finally got this beast to a point where it was going to come into gaff range, i had the fly gaff ready and as this beast came alongside the boat all i could do was stare at it!! HOLY CRAP that thing is a beast!!!!…and as soon as i’m thinking that i snap out of it to hear my neighbor yellin at me GAFF IT GAFF IT YOU IDIOT!!!!! so i start swinging away as best i knew how! I don’t know how i didn’t cut the line, but i didn’t. What i did manage was to piss the fish off enough that another 1hr passed with it being down deep and finally my neighbor had had enough, threw in the towel, and passed the rod off to me. Now this is where i shine, rod and reel in hand…At this point the fish had had enough as well and after 45min of pumpin and grindin it came along side the boat, ANOTHER missed gaff! 
. At least now i don’t feel like i was so dumb, but he did hit it, just the gaff bounced off the tough shark skin! Another 30min and the shark just gives in, we get him close enough and lay the gaff into him, [size=24]GAME OVER!!![/size] We both sat in awe hanging onto the railing in the turbulent seas looking at what we had just conquered in awe,… unreal.
Myself and Ry were just riding our bikes back from grabbin some pizza (and really good beer, my favorite Port Brewery HOP-15) and run into my neighbor who ask “lets go sharkin in the mornin?” Who am i to turn down an offer like that, done. 5am comes around and were headed out. Lemme just say conditions were [color=darkblue]HORRIFIC[/color][size=24][/size][size=18][/size]. I really could’t picture worse that you could still go out and fish in, it tested your sea legs to say the least. We Putted our way out and finally started our troll. couple hours pass and double knockdown, but both missed
Now was the hard part…how do we get it on board?!
I figured the path of least resistance was the key so we flung a rope around its tail and tried to drag it over the back on the swim step. This plan seemed to work except the fins acted as grappling hooks and having 200+lbs on your swim step in 6ft seas is not a good thing to be doing. Luckily a fellow boat came over and recommended that we swing it over the side rail…after a couple attempts and EVER last ounce of the strength we had left we got it over…
[img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/Shark004.jpg[/img]
A very VERY slow putt in and we finally (I really thought we’d never make it in) made it to to dock and got to fully comprehend what we had just brought in…
[img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/IMG_2851.jpg[/img]
[img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/IMG_2862-1.jpg[/img]
[img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/IMG_2851.jpg[/img]
[img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/IMG_2864.jpg[/img]
Taped out to 12′
[img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/IMG_2870.jpg[/img][img]http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q84/Klodes/IMG_2871.jpg[/img]
….
Catch of my life……………………………………………………so far…
lanette
November 19, 2009
What’s going on here?
lanette
November 19, 2009
I’m sorry…..what I meant to say is Why? What’s going on with the shark killing?
anikai
May 15, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I just wanted to say I am so pround of you for quitting. I have always hated porn and felt so badly for girls it just felt wrong. I was dancing for 4 1/2 years. I was drinking and doing drugs.. I admit I miss at times butt this site resures that I not missing anything. Every time I hear a story it makes stronger. Thank you
Tom
July 25, 2012
I always felt bad seeing dancers looked as 2nd class citizens. No wonder dancers change teams and become lesbians.
D-John
May 17, 2009
You did right, even it is always difficult to break from an addiction, you choosed the right path.
Since you decided it, you started to open the doors to Jennie, and you are Jennie, leaving doors closed to that old Penny.
And i’m sure Jennie will live longer than Penny, as you say, in pornography people, or should I say characters, come and go, but Jennie will remain in the hearts of those you live with.
Long life to Jennie
Vic
May 18, 2009
Hey Jennie,
The poignancy expressed within your blog in terms of getting lost within the “ID” of your on-screen persona and trying to exorcise your demons by getting away from it seems very genuine and heartfelt. I wish you the best of luck in terms of finding that anchor or as Mr Miyaga puts it…BALANCE.
Even though I’ve enjoyed your past work in film and loved the spunk and energy within your performances as your alter ego…it would make me happier to see you channel your spirit and energy through the conduit of Jennie.
Andrew
May 23, 2009
Completely agree!
Jared
May 20, 2009
i hope that when you find your real self you feel all the happiness you are expecting to come from it. Being true to who you are is the most important thing you can do for yourself and the people you know and love.
Pat
May 21, 2009
hey Jennie,
Great to hear that you’re doing well. I wish you nothing but the best, you deserve it. I actually met you back in September and you were really awesome. I’ll admit, it was great to see and hear from Penny. Now i’m looking forward to hearing and seeing more from Jennie. hope to be able to erad alot more from you soon.
McRocket
May 23, 2009
You write so well (imo).
I sincerely hope you come out of this fine.
My addictions were first booze and then crack. After I quit those it became (and really still is) binge eating and pornography.
I realize this is not a very positive thing to type, but I believe that if one is an addictive kind of person, then they will always be an addictive kind of person so long as their insides are topsy turvy. I don’t think it’s possible to fully calm the demons until then. Until you love yourself and are reasonalby content with your life.
I know I am not and I assume I never will be, I am just too hard on myself (so I am told) and others. Too idealistic and too weak. Too smart and too dumb.
I am typing this because if you do not stay on the non-sex wagon, and fall off – please do not be too hard on yourself. Because sometimes true rock bottom doesn’t come until all hope seems lost. And that usually comes after quitting the addicition and then failing at it. That is when, imo, people really go nuts. Either they binge like MAD in denial. Or they off themselves.
I don’t want you (or anyone) to do either.
So I hope you will allow for the fact that you are human, that you will have setbacks (either small or large ones) and that the point is that as long as you are progressing (at no matter how slow of a rate), then you ARE progressing.
Others who don’t understand your addiction or truly understand you will probably judge you by the on/off switch. If you are on the ‘wagon’, then you are good. If you are off the ‘wagon’, then you are bad. There is no middle ground for them.
But for you, there may have to be. And it is important to me that you (and all those like you/me that have life altering addictions) that you don’t beat yourself up.
It is VERY IMPORTANT that you DO NOT directly hurt others. But as long as you are not doing that; then whatever you are doing is your business and yours alone – no matter how the process seems/is.
This probably sounds meaningless.
But I just want you to know that EVERYONE has demons. It’s just that people like you and I have demons much closer to the surface for all to see and judge. And others quickly do – but they won’t DARE look inside themselves because they believe their demons cause no harm.
Yet I find that – except for demons that manifest themselves in violence – the most truly harmful demons are the ones that are the most subtle.
Sorry to blather…
Bye
nizar
May 25, 2009
I am proud of you and I am proud of all the things you are done I want a good life you made a good decision
I hope that you will not return to porn, I love you much I have surprised jennie your decision but I am very happy.
your decision to stop and a great gift for me and a great gift for all those people who love you, please jennie
not return to porn. I am sure that you succeed in your new life. I swear by you I watch movies and porn Today it’s over and I am very happy.sorry for my English I am not american .I love you so much
mariah
June 8, 2009
As I read this, I remember the first time we met. It was about 2 years ago, at Kink’s former studio. I had just been chastised for “not introducing myself to the performers.” I walked into the office and self-consciously said, “Hi, I’m Mariah.” You smiled your big sweet smile and replied “Hi! I’m Jennie. I mean, Penny,” and giggled. Looks like Jennie wanted to show her face, even back then.
I just wanted to let you know what a joy it was to work with you. You always brought such a sweet, sassy and smart energy to the Talent office.
Best wishes with the next leg of your life’s journey. And I look forward to reading more about. Thank you for sharing yourself.
biltcillGah
July 2, 2009
Your blog is so interesting! I have subscribed on rss and I will read it regullary/
Sheeglilt
July 3, 2009
Very interesting blog! Subscribed on rss. Regular will read it
Brettg
July 7, 2009
Dear Jennie – One day at a time & there are fewer lousy days. I’ll miss your flix, but I’m pleased to see you take care of yourself. You’ll be enjoying things long before Day 366. Your courage is great to see. Take care.
rick
July 8, 2009
Thanks to the joys of digital technology Penny is immortal. Jennie, however, is probably a little more fragile.
I’ve been through a lot of sh*t over the last 4 years and crawled into a bottle for a good part of it. I can relate to what you’re going through. I’m just starting to get back on my feet again. Glad to hear that you’ve decided to change paths too. It ain’t easy but then you already knew that.
I wish you the best, Ms Ketcham, and may the gods always smile upon you.
MedZeraBede
July 8, 2009
Amazing blog! Very interesting posts. I will often read it. Also subsribed on rss.
MedZeraBede
July 8, 2009
Good blog! Very interesting aspects. I will often read it. May i post your site link on my site?
aidan jameson
July 11, 2009
Good luck always, Jennie
Marcus
July 14, 2009
Syba·rite (-rīt′)
noun
1. a person born or living in ancient Sybaris
2. anyone very fond of indulgence and luxury; voluptuary
Etymology: L Sybarita < Gr Sybaritēs
C.W.
July 15, 2009
I have always thought of you as a funny, creative person and often wondered who the girl behind the “star” was. I hope we all get to meet her. She’s the real star.
Craign Hargis
July 19, 2009
Dear Jennie,
My heart goes out to you as you seek recovery and purpose in your life. May you be successful in your future endeavours.
Best regards,
Craig
max
July 20, 2009
where are the pictures of her banging people.
Mike D
July 29, 2009
Jennie,
Congrats on 119 days of continuous sobriety. As someone who has been sober since August 17, 2002, I know how tough it can be. I’m very proud of you. It takes a lot of inner strength and a reliance on a Higher Power, as I’m sure you are learning…
Keep up the good work. I stumbled upon your blog the other day, and have been a faithful reader since.
Good luck. Go to meetings. Dont drink between meetings, and keep an open mind. Thats the secret
Australia
August 3, 2009
I have never met you, and will never meet you.
After reading your story and Shelley Lubbens website I have given up looking at porn.
You girls are to beautiful to be exploited and I for one will never be a part of it again. Take away the audience and the industry will fall.
I wish you well on your journey.
God Speed
christalball
August 14, 2009
Jennie, dude, you are fucking RAD:^) i’d like to say more but i haven’t slept for almost 24 hrs, and shit…. i’ve got kind of a crazy day ahead of me yet! i will say though, that reading this blog and excerpts from your first[?] one [where you talk about trying to get back into normal life and everything without slipping back into the old one to socialize?] have brought me the peace i guess i needed. i am an insomniac [not most days, but.... and damn the herb didn't even help this time:^D] and i guess there was some conflicting energy in me or whathaveyou and your “door opened back to Jennie Ketchum” was just really refreshing [not in a typical way, but i'm getting crazy with the brackets:^D] and “what i was looking for but wouldn’t know until i found it [according to my horoscope]” ~ all possibly through your current struggles, dear lady. i’m glad that although “Penny was drowning Jennie,” deep down you weren’t going to let Penny take over ~ that you still had breath in the dismal murk to come up and really claim yourself. with whatever was going on, i’m glad that YOU ultimately were still there, that the essence of the amazing woman that is you was enough. give credit where you want to, but know that you are really doing all the work and that YOU pulled yourself out of the emptiness…. allll right ~ i will read the rest of your blogs before too long and be “caught up.” best of luck to you and your bridge of struggle, Jennie. you are funny, talented [art, writing, personality], honest, and interesting as hell ~ there is still quite a vibrant and successful career for Jennie Ketchum yet!:^) ciao, and don’t be surprised if you see me comment more!;^)
Mandy
August 19, 2009
I loved your writing! The hardest thing for me about giving up addictions was figuring out a new coping skill when I was uncomfortable! you start learning new mechanisms as life throws its curve balls, and you utilize a couple of good friends as a sounding board to hear yourself think. I am a pleasure seeker. I hate pain. but pain is the outlet for growth. I discovered you when my boyfriend informed me you were a great pornstar. I wanted to see what he saw, so I watched a couple things alone. I saw straight through, and thought, “This woman has got SOUL”! You had a certain personal intensity about you that I felt. I hope you find what makes your soul feel best. You are a beautiful soul!
Jeremy
August 21, 2009
Jennie,
I wish you well.
I’ve always adored you as your alter ego, but sometimes worried on your behalf that you were living excessively ( I never felt that I knew you well enough to say anything). Having been in the same business and having been married to a recovered addict, I know how one can fuel the other. How moderation is difficult in a lifestyle that’s all about decadence.
I hope that you find love and happiness in your life and I look forward to following your progress.
Jim Larer
August 26, 2009
I have read almost all your post today. I never heard of you before last night. I was working at a house that was playing the adult grammy’s type show, and I saw only 3 minutes, and then you came out. Your legit funny and smart. Googled your name, and the first thing I see is this blog. The first post I read included ” I have not had makeup on since I cried it all off at rehab”. Your not funny, your amazing. I have never seen your adult work and never want to. I want to make a doc about you. I want to put on tv, what your able to translate in your writing. http://Www.Larer.com is my site. Your mind is amazing. Contact me if your ready to share with an hbo size group.
David
August 27, 2009
Jennie, hi I’m David. I have just recently seen your work, upon further search of you, I came across this blog. I wish you the best in your new life and hope that you will overcome all of the obstacles that you face. Although you will always remain a stranger, I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you!
Scott M.
September 17, 2009
Jen,
You are a passionate soul! Never neglect that spirit within you! We are all flawed, but the journey can complete you! Carpe Diem! Be proud of what you have become!
Krash LC3
October 27, 2009
Good. We all have a second chance if we, that depends on us. I Hope you be fine, and be strong no matter what anyone says, greetings from Santiago de Chile.
benito camacho
October 28, 2009
I am so happy to learn everything about you this past days. I am so thankful to God that you left penny flame behind and live the person you are. I must admit I fell in love with penny flame. I think everyday that she is my wife and I’m taking care of her everyday. My love will be more for you no matter who you are from the past. And you will live in my heart for-ever. God Bless.
Anthony
October 30, 2009
Weren’t you on Loveline? Haha poo lives in your butt!
sandra
November 1, 2009
wow, i really admire you and i looooove the way you write. please keep doing so you are wonderful
TS
November 2, 2009
Ballsy! Keep up the good work.
Joe
November 2, 2009
I just started reading your blog. Your journey, your REAL journey, sounds like it is off to a good start.
Good Luck. God Bless.
Javier Diaz
November 8, 2009
Just don’t go to Vegas, you’ll feel the same way. Trust me, those flashbacks are brutal but after a while, they’ll just make you shiver, like it was another person doing those things.
larissa
November 11, 2009
Hi Jennie! Congratulations on everything and best of luck to you being sober. I admire your courage on sex rehab. You seem like a great girl with a good head on your shoulders. take care.
~Larissa
Anonymous
November 13, 2009
thank you for sharing your story. i recently found out that my husband is a sex addict and the show just started. at another time in my life i would have called that a coincidence. i look forward to watching/reading about your recovery.
Ms. Johnny
November 14, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I am so pulling for you in your quest to become the woman you want to be. Of all the residents and participants in the show, you are very inspiring to me. You should feel proud of yourself! You are lovely and honest and I wish you all the luck in the world. Move forward, respect the past, make a brighter future. You will succeed.
Matt
November 16, 2009
Hey Jen,
I have been watching you on Dr Drew’s show and
you have a great personality and so much more
to offer than just porn to the world. I am struggling
with sexual addiction myself and intimacy problems
have kept me from having any meaningful relationships.
I am trying to overcome that but everyday is a battle
and you have to stay focused. Best of luck to you!!
bundyphile
November 16, 2009
What a great post and what a great outlook you have for yourself, Jennie. You sound very strong and full of willpower! You also sound cognizant of what it will take to remain in recovery. Kick ass, woman, because that’s what women are meant to do!!
Johnny
November 17, 2009
Jennie,
My name is Johnny I am 35 and I am a pastor. I have been watching your show with Dr. Drew on VH1. I have only seen the first 4 episodes so far. Thank you for opening up your life and allowing the world to see your pain as you recover. You and I seem to have a lot of similarities. My family was full of chaos as well, I didn’t know how to handle it, and I turned to sex and fantasy as a coping mechanism and later as just an escape from life. It’s been a long hard road of recovery and took such a long time to figure out that my addiction was more than just a desire for pleasure and that my whole life played into it. As I found hope and recovery, I also found Jesus. After I learned to stop muffling my problems with sex, He gave me a peace that passes all understanding and a direction or focus I never thought I could have. It’s no wonder He can do that: He made us, so knows what we need for health. Sure, I still am tempted like all people who have conquered an addiction. I have to be careful not to place myself in dangerous situations and make sure that I surround myself with real friends who will confront me if I waiver. But Jennie, God gives me strength to make it through each day. And because of His sacrifice, I don’t have to wear the moniker of Sex Addict anymore. He gave me a new name (christian) and put a new song in my mouth.
Today, a big part of my ministry as a pastor is helping people like us, whose life was coming apart at the seams and they were trying to patch it up or escape from it by sex. I try to help them see that sex is a beautiful God given gift. Its meant for intimacy. It is supposed to be enjoyed. Its actually glorifying to God and was a command for the people of the earth. But when taken out of context, and used to escape from the pain of reality, or to salve an emotional wound; though it brings pleasure, it only does so for a little while. When we use what was designed for intimacy with another and find no intimacy, we will forever be unfulfilled, empty, and longing for another high. It’s like trying to fill a square hole with a round peg, no wonder we walk away empty! The beautiful thing is that God was the one who made us. He knows our frame and longs for us to be satisfied. We only have to go to Him.
Jennie, I am guessing you probably won’t ever read this. But if you do, thank you for sharing your life on camera and by having the guts to go by the name Jennie (that says sooo much). Its helping the world come to know just how easily this addiction can consume a life. You have given us a great gift. The Porn world often seems so glamorized. Like everything would be perfect if life were like the videos. That is so not true. Thank you. You have shown us who you really are – person who hurts like the rest of us. I have cried as you have told your story, yet desperately wants health and love. I’m so sorry those things happened to you and how the addiction nearly consumed your life.
May you continue on this journey of health. May you find satisfaction in life, may sex never so control you that it becomes destructive, and may you find the peace and intimacy that you long for. If you are still struggling at all, Let me suggest a good book. It is forwarded by Patrick Carnes – the leading researcher in Sex Addiction. It is called The Secret Sin: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction. by Mark R. Laaser and Published by Zondervan. No single book has helped me more.
Thank you Jennie. You are an inspiration.
God Bless,
Johnny
Marissa
November 17, 2009
you are so strong and inspiring. keep it up i cant wait to see the real woman you will become. thank you for sharing your story with the world.
Doug
November 19, 2009
I’ve known about you and been a fan for a long time, but today I read about your story (and this blog) in Violet’s column. I began to read your most recent post (Cheesecake in Brooklyn) and then wanted to go all the way back to “day one” here. I hope you don’t have ill-feeling toward folks like me who will always remain a fan of Penny, all the while becoming a fan of Jennie. Actually, being a Jennie fan is a more accurate use of the word “fan,” derived from “a fanatic,” who roots for a person or a team. I’m really rooting for you Jennie. I’ve got a crush on Penny. Different thing altogether. Anyway, I want you to know that some random, anonymous guy out there in the City by the Bay who you’re probably never going to meet, is rooting for you, for your happiness, for your peace. I hope you have the best of all things in this, your new life.
Respectfully,
~ dw
John Breen
November 19, 2009
I know how hard it is to think this, let alone write it, the change from the sex industry to another point is difficult. I have been friends with women who were in the sex industry, the transition is hard.
You will find that some of the Penny Flame persona is a part of you, and you will also find that that persona has limited who you are and I am sure you will come to believe in this completed person. Hope you find continued support from those around you. Good luck.
Jmfphoto
November 19, 2009
Jennie, My wish is for you to find yourself and happiness. Their is hope. Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things…
J-
leslie graff
November 20, 2009
Dearest Jennie
I am so proud of you. Yes!
Nebris
November 21, 2009
Okay, two things up front:
First, everything I say below is my Opinion based upon my own Experience and, except where stated otherwise, these are all just Suggestions.
Second, an old AA saying, “Sobriety is a garment best worn loosely.”
The Good News about booze and drugs is that, unlike food for example, we humans do not need them to survive. If you never have either of them ever again, you’ll be fine.
Don’t know if you’re a smoker. If you’re not…DON’T! Those things are worse than freakin’ coke! They were murder to give up. I’ve heard folks 10/15 years sober whine, “I feel like a newcomer!” when they finally stopped smoking. If you are a smoker, let that slide until your Sobriety is more firmly in place. You’ll need ever bit of it.
This is of course why food disorders can be so tough. You have to ‘ride the tiger’ everyday.
Sex is more of a gray area. Sure, you can become celibate, and that could be very beneficial in the short term to center and ground yourself. But in the long term, that can be a form of psycho-emotional amputation. Plus, you specifically being an artist have an another aspect of this to resolve.
Our Sexuality is tied into both our Spirituality and our Creativity, and that is especially true for women. I refer to that as the Triple Energy, a universal energy where all three are inextricably intertwined. I have found that the only effective way to work with that is to make ones Sexuality a Sacred Space. Tantra is good for that and I’m sure some have already mentioned it. Food for thought….
The Good News here is that you don’t have to do a damned thing about that today. You can take that concept and stash it away until you’re ready to deal. When you are ready, I strongly recommend reaching out to women like Susie Bright and Annie Sprinkle. They have more wisdom upon this subject in a single one of their little fingers than I will ever have. And they are both delightful.
A word on The S Programs…
Personally, I strongly suggest you avoid them. They pathologize sexuality and are rife with Puritanical thinking, which is a pathology in and of itself. Plus, the very concept is problematic. A room full of sex addicts is like having an AA meeting at Happy Hour. And, Ms Ketcham, forgive me for sounding harsh, but for many of the men [and some of the women] in those rooms, you yourself are actually their Substance.
One final thing: Penny Flame will always be a part of you. Always. But she seems like she has some pretty useful qualities. Being ‘strong and emotionless’ can save ones life on certain days. And no, she does not get to run your life anymore.
So, I’d say you’ll need to ‘renegotiate your relationship contract’ with Ms Flame. Love her. She has saved your life and can do so again if you give her a new paradigm to work with. It’s just got to work for the both of you.
And again, you don’t have to do a damned thing about that today.
So, let me repeat myself:
Everything I have said is my Opinion based upon my own Experience and, except where stated otherwise, these are all just Suggestions. And, “Sobriety is a garment best worn loosely.”
Be well…
Arash
November 22, 2009
I’m happy that you’re decided to get of that dirty business!
We love you and we support you.
catherine
November 23, 2009
Hi jennie…love you girl!!! keep it up. i think you are my inspiration.
Rhonda
November 25, 2009
Jenny, I had never heard of you until today. I heard you do a radio interview. I just want to encourage you! You represent so many broken people out here. Including me. Never a pornstar, but no stranger to addiction by any stretch. You are my new hero. Keep on with your recovery process and if you fall, just get your ass back up again. You know how to do that!!!Love ya!!!!
Ms. Aaron Turner
November 25, 2009
You’ve taken a very courageous step that involves your whole being, emotionally, physically, and mentally, and as such, you might want to investigate working with your energy body and chakras. It might be helpful for you to do some exercises and meditations designed to lift the energy from your lower chakras into the higher. This could also facilitate a whole new outlook for you, involving a more spiritual approach. The kind of work you were involved in most definitely overactivates your sexual centers and you might be really surprised what happens when you begin to be able to consciously direct the way energy moves through you. You’ve already demonstrated that you have what it takes to take on this kind of discipline. I can assure you that you would gain much in the way of self understanding and appreciation through a method such as this. There are many teachers and methods out there, so just do your homework, use your powers of discernment and find the way that resonates with you. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Jim
November 26, 2009
Right on, Jennie.
Good luck,
Jim.
dean a
November 29, 2009
Jennie I commend you on your courage. I watch sex rehab because I was touched by your story. I am connected to your struggle and that of everybody on the show. I am a successful professional in the computer industry who for many years has suffered with a little secret that has destroyed my life; an addiction to sex and porn. It is only now in my late 30′s am I finally doing something about it. I wish you nothing but continued success in life, I know this addiction is strong, always seems to be lurking around the corner waiting for you. You are an inspiration to many that you don’t even know. You are not alone. Stay strong hon.
Hannah
December 5, 2009
Hi. I cannot imagine everything you’ve been through and what you are going through. I really admire you for sharing your story.
I am a student at the high school you graduated from and I also love that you are living proof that our particular community is not nearly as perfect as it seems.
Scotty
December 6, 2009
Thank you Jennie =)
Brett
December 7, 2009
I would like to wish you another *24*
With that i would like to say that you are on a journey to recaputure yourself.
Jennie- May you strength always be behind you and may you always listen to your heart. As you know it always is right.
Being an artist and recovering I know how things come out of our minds we would like to forget and they/memories can make you feel it would be much easier to escape. Then to deal with the release of feeling from our past.
Your stronger than that allow yourself to feel, share, learn let go and grow.
-Congrats-
Goddick
December 8, 2009
I have to say that since I learned you were a sex addict, it has made your performances even hotter based that I know that you are enjoying it all. Sorry about the trauma, but you are strong enough to get passed it and to do….something with your life, whatever mundane thing that is.
Xixi
December 9, 2009
I just want to say, “Congratulations” on taking your step. I happened to come across a clip of your therapy session on Oprah.com. I am happy that you are slowly but surely discovering yourself, just like the rest of us in this world. -Xixi (“Shi-Shi”)
Sean Haggerty
December 15, 2009
Not a big fan of porn movies( I know the ending already) I salute your courage to try and make a change, I work in entertainment and have known Phil almost 20 yrs. he is the reason I saw you and recognised your face from photo’s…….good luck, all my best and remember if it was easy “everyone would be doing it”
jeff
December 22, 2009
hi jenny
this post is from a long time ago, but hopefully you are still able to see these replies. i just figured with you being so open with not me specifically but in general i would kind of share something about me that the rest of my little world is starting to see and still fights to understand no matter what words i put it in. But maybe from a different slant of light you may get it more then they do. So here goes.
A couple months ago i broke up with another girlfriend, i’ve only had 3 actual what i would call relationships meaning that i did try to put some effort into them and tried to see if there was a chance at a future. But i have realised something over all this time and that is that i just lack the emotions needed to care about making the effort, i try because i keep thinking it might open up something in me, but it always ends up the same way, the phone calls, the cliche boyfriend stuff becomes like a chore, what i have referred to in my own personal blog as “relationship dogma” things that are just generally expected of a boyfriend. I am a great friend and am there for anyone who needs me if i can help, but as a boyfriend my heart never lets me trust in anyone enough to truly love them, to truly want to be more then friends with them. Friends is easy for me i can be a great friend without even thinking about it, but when the title changes i just get these feelings like im not what they want, and they would be better off with someone else.
As i’ve tried to explain to exs and friends on the subject, my emotional level just doesnt range as much as the average person, if you think about it as a thermometer people can go from 100+ crazy in love and happy, cloud nine all that stuff, and then the total opposite can happen, -100 where there depressed and ruining themselves and talking “nuts”. I myself go more from about +50 to -50 i never get overly happy, i have fun times but it wears off, and i love people but not through and through, then the -50 ya i get mad, and sad, and people piss me off, but i brush it off within minutes, at the most a day. And noone seems to believe that someone can be like that. My folks, friends, anonymous people who happen to read certain things, they all say the same things ” Oh you’ll change when u meet the right person” “She just wasnt for you” or especially with guy friends when they have heard or noticed that im not hooked on sex either as a lot of guys seem to be, “what are you gay or A sexual?” which the gay part doesnt make sense i would just be chasing my own gender, and i love sex as much as the next person it just seems to make certain people weak, like a lot of my friends will do almost anything, bend over backwards, compromise integrity, lose arguments when they’re right etc just because they might get cut off, and i just dont like how controlled it can make me i guess. anyways this message is really really long, you probably wont even finish it, but i just thought i would share something personal with you. because for some reason there is just something “real” and beautiful physically and personally about you. And even when i first come across you in videos i always thought the same thing, and now with all you’re post porn activities and healing my assumptions are confirmed. thanks for reading if you happen to….keep smiling xo
Matt Robinson
December 23, 2009
Are you ready to laugh/cry? Our personas are “As real as it gets” – UFC
I always get confused cuz that is Matt/Matthew/Mateo, etc… I had the most beautiful week, I keep finding lucky pennies at work and my pain receptors are just plain Ninja-like. It’s so weird going through the day so high on manic lusticidal love that all I can do is think of you and the girls that helped me find you.
*HUGS*,
Matt
Rob
December 23, 2009
I just finished watching Celeb Rehab and I have to say I’m impressed with what you’re doing and the way you’re changing your life. Best of luck to you and I hope you get everything you want!
David Lamons
December 27, 2009
I`m so happy for you, as i would be for anyone that was facing thier demons head on. Brave, and couragous lady. My life also hasn`t been free of the addictions that can seem the answer to lifes problems, even if only a temporary destaction. Yet the answer only becomes another problem, and can be very destructive, to not only us but those who relly love and care about us. Keep it up girl, you can be and do anything you wish. Remember that your a very beautiful woman, and the beauty that shines from inside you is what really matters. Your not in this alone, reach out and lean on others who share your struggles and exsperinces, as well as recovery and true intimacy in relationships. And sex is not intimacy, the act of making love with the right person, under the right circumstances is only one way to exsperince intimacy but not the only way. Hang in there i`m praying for you as well as myself and others. If you fall down, pick yourself up, not beat yourself up, RIGHT. Truely wishing you sucess
David Lamons
Steph
January 2, 2010
Hello Jennie,
I just finished watching Sex Rehab and was most touched by your transformation throughout the show. Your intelligence and humor throughout the recovery process were inspirational. I’ve just started reading your blog, so I’ve got a bit of catching up to do, but I look forward to seeing your continued progress. Take care of yourself, m’dear.
Martin
January 4, 2010
Bravo to you Jennie is all I can say!
susan
January 5, 2010
wow. very, very, very proud of you. such hard work you’re doing – to recognize and become who you truly are. I hope you can feel some support from this lowly email. Just know your determination has at the very least encouraged me with my personal growth. thanks.
jason
January 10, 2010
I love you Jennie
Nick
February 6, 2010
I cryed when i read this. I am so proud of you Jennie. You are an inspiration to all who want to make change.
Sam
February 16, 2010
I hear your doing porn again. Is it true?
Monica
March 11, 2010
That’s one of the most beautiful, most honest things I’ve ever read.
Dana
March 11, 2010
You are a phenomenal, strong woman.
Stay Jennie.
Friend 22
March 17, 2010
its good to hear u doin great
adam
March 18, 2010
im a sex addict too. my story isn’t glamorous or exciting as some but it ends like everyone else’s. in the end I was sacrificing time with my family, my job, eating, n sleeping to feed my addiction. I wanted 2 stop but I couldn’t. I justified my actions saying I wasn’t hurting anyone but I knew it was a lie. I tried 2 stop several times but I kept going back 2 what I knew, what was my comfort zone, what put me on my numb-high. I really couldn’t stop. I almost lost my children, my wife, my mom n dad found out, my church found out. even then id still sneak on line for a quick fix. its taken many years 2 get where im not as obsessed as I was but im still not rid of it yet. I enjoy a greater degree of sobriety than in my past. I try 2 obsess about God n give my anxieties to him instead of giving it over to my addiction. I wish u the best. Very few will understand your pain n most men won’t care. surround yourself with those who will. sex is good, addiction is bad. im proud of you 4 saving your own life. keep looking 2 your higher power 4 support. ill be checking your Blog 4 progress!
Eric
March 26, 2010
Yuo worked hardest in your recovery then anybdy on that show Jennie!!!!!!!!!
James
May 2, 2010
I think that too! I think she’s the “1 in 10″ that actually gets it. If Celebrity Rehab/Sober House was one of those reality shows that has a winner, she’d be the winner! Rodney King was the winner of the other season.
ERIC
March 26, 2010
Ihave been sober for 20 years .Keep working IT WORKS. You eill do great in school.
will hung
March 26, 2010
Oh, boo fucking hoo. I’m supposed to feel sorry for you? It seems like guys like me get shot down by whores like you, all while you let some retarded Screech/Frankenstein looking douchebag like Mike Nails shove his cock down your throat?
I’m 10 times better looking than that moron and I can’t get a date with someone like you, but a creep like that turns you on? Fuck off.
Oh, and all you god freaks are such a cliche. You’re emotional screw ups who turn to another addiction, religion, to get you through the day. Fuck off.
James
May 2, 2010
You understand movies are not real right? But Jennie IS real and has feelings. You’re getting mad because she fucked some guy in a movie that wasn’t you? Seriously?
Joey
March 27, 2010
Jennie – I hope you actually read this. I want so much for you to win this fact. I think you are incredibly sweet and loving and DESERVE to be free to just be you – because just being you is enough. Please stay strong and know that there are many of us wanting and wishing and hoping that you succeed because you are special.
Melissa
April 1, 2010
You are a great writer. Keep writing and I feel like it will lead you to your own personal happy ever after. I am proud of the effort you have put forward to stay sober. I know it is not easy.
Take it easy. You are worth it:)
Gary
April 1, 2010
My name is Gary and I’m one of those alcoholics. Alcoholism may seem like kinder-garten to drug addicts, but there is no doubting that recovery is laborious not matter what the addiction. With an increase in available time (no longer wasted in a high stupor), try volunteer work. Remember that self-pleasure via drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. is simply a selfish way to live. You exclude people and need to learn to live around them again. Alone time is good too, just be sure to have something to do (idle hands – idle mind)! You can stay clean and sober one day at a time, but remember that yesterday’s sobriety is wasted if you don’t add today to it. Biggest issue is to turn your attention to others – get out of self. Don’t think less of yourself – just think of yourself less. We are worthy of love and respect because ‘we are’… we exist and share life. Life will become its own reward and things will get better one day at a time.-g
john
April 2, 2010
you fuckin junkie cunt. no one cares about your masturbation bitch, get a fuckin drink and take a hit.
Nico
April 4, 2010
Wow! I have a similar situation, and reading your notes reminds me what I’m am going through. It will take more time than 25 days to feel a much more power-full climax in your trials. Push for another 30 days and do the same test and see what happens. Heck it might take 60 days after that, but keep trying. I will try it with you, it’s a tall order I know but if you can do 25 than I can do 30, we’ll try it together and see…
Nico…
Vaughn
April 5, 2010
I’ve seen Jennie recently on Soberhouse (I think thats the name of the show). She’s my favourite of the cast. Has a real natural girl next door look to her now and is obviously very intelligent. I can’t help but think of the caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly analogy when it comes to her. I am very certain she will eventually evolve into this amazingly beautiful person who will take the world by storm.
JC
April 8, 2010
Jennie, glad to have found your blog. I have to say I had never heard of Penny Flame prior to Celebrity Rehab but I liked Jennie from the time you stepped foot in PRC. I will be making my way through your blog and look forward to experiencing your journey through your beautifully written words. You really do have a way with words. Remember, the journey is the goal and life is what happens while we are making other plans. Best of luck Jennie.
jeff
April 15, 2010
God Bless You And Keep You Forever
lolwut
April 17, 2010
i’m not sure whats wrong about being a sex addict.. seems natural to me.. neways sad to see u go- deffinatly my fav
Gino'
April 23, 2010
Hello JENNIE,
I just saw U tonight on Carson!!! And you what Been there,Did that, And bought the T-Shirt… But 1 thing I do know is I want 2 KISS your,CUTE Button Nose!!! I want 2 talk more, but.. I HATE e-mails, I would rather talk on the the phone??? I will give my # if your Scared, or if U have an Man??? IF you have a Man, I ‘m out not going to waste my
time, If your all hooked??? DIG… I live in FL, Gulf Coast Again, I want 2 Kiss that Pretty Button nose !!! Well e-me back!!! and we shall go from there??? I Hope… your a SWEETHEART!!!!, We have been down some of the same Roads… But there’s alot 2 talk about ..
That’s why I lke the the Phone, I hate writing so much, Burns me out. So let me know and I will give my # 2 U and we can ,Save $$$$ and talk after 9:00PM Times R tuff… Hope 2 hear from U Soon, I Need U Will explain… TTYS !!!!
Ciao,
Gino’
TH
April 29, 2010
Hey Jennie, I went to high school with you…I was younger than you but I have been watching you on tv, and just realized who you were, I know you as jennie, not penny. I just read your blog and I wanted to say a lot of girls feel the way you do, whether its sex they are addicted to or the mere relationship with a friend or a drug. Keep speaking not only to help yourself, but to help others feel its ok to struggle and somehow we will get through.
raymond rodriguez
April 30, 2010
Well I have to say your still beautiful
Penny god bless you….
Ray Ray….
Paula
April 30, 2010
There are a lot of people our here rooting for you and praying for you. From what we got to see on TV you seem to have a beautiful spirit, tender heart, and great work ethic. You were down to earth and real. You are an inspiration. I hope you find peace and happiness
James
May 2, 2010
I wish you could have your own talk show and take the place of Tyra Banks. I’d actually watch your show because you have interesting things to say.
Dawna
May 14, 2010
What about the west Michigan location? Or is that something only of convenience? I’m sure you could blend into the world in many ways, your artwork could be the greatest vehicle for that. Maybe you could get into mainstream acting… I have a cousin in California who had interesting twists in her life too, maybe she could look out for you.
David J Mincey
June 5, 2010
instead of being like everyone else im going to be real for a sec. i don’t know what got you in to porn and i don’t know what got you out, but what i do know is that i have seen your movies and i have seen you on tv and i didn’t see much of a change in you! it looks like there’s something missing cause you have the same look i do after coming back home from the marines its like nothing taste the same and nothing feels the same. i really dont know you but i will try to help i dont want anything from you. you just dont like complete.
anonymity (:
June 23, 2010
Hi, my sponsor told me about this a while ago, and said I should check out your blog. I’m 17, and a recovering addict. This is inspiring, I’ve read several of your posts, and I’m completely amazed. Thank you for writing this and inspiring people like me. When I read this, it made me realize that I’m truly not alone, there’s people everywhere that I can relate to. And I think it’s so cool that I can relate to you, and I can’t wait to read more.
jeremy caldwell
June 24, 2010
you will be ok everyones dealing with shit
jim
July 24, 2010
keep doing your art work it kick’s ass you are finally starting to see how beautifull you really are inside and out…Peace i would love to have some of your art work!
David
August 2, 2010
Jennie,
I know of you from your work as Penny. I just want you to know that you’re on the right path. Your past is your past and behind you and you’re better off headed in the direction you are, and you know that.
I don’t know you, but I’m truly happy for you and think that it’s really cool that you’re making things right and taking things one day at a time. Others will learn from your strength and determination. I know it’s hard, but you’ll be just fine. Thanks!
Fairlight Jones
August 4, 2010
Good for you… seriously, that takes a fucking shit load of courage to keep going forward and leave the ‘comfort zone’. I have much respect for your courage (translated from the old french – courage means ‘heart’)…that’s exactly what you have. Cheers!
Roystance
August 10, 2010
Good luck in your effort.
Dawna
August 24, 2010
I’m happy you posted my video on your blog, thanks. I would think with your art projects, and your photo shoots, you could make some interesting calenders for people to keep your stuff brightening their worlds. Nows the time to be working on this before the prime sales time in November/December. Wanna manager for this?
Rayne Emily Knight
September 15, 2010
I applaud your courage, Jenny. It’s not easy to make the changes we know we have to make. All to often we go with what’s comfortable, what’s familiar and fail to take that leap of faith. Faith in what? Faith in ourselves.
Rayne Emily Knight
samantha
November 10, 2010
I THINK I AM a sex and love addict…but I didn’t get the luxary of going to rehab to figure all this shit out like you did. I honestly don’t know HOW to figure out if I do infact have this addiction….I trully wish there was someone out there who could help me with something this…this….deep, dark, and fucking SCARY! But enough of me…you rock, and your blog is really refreshing to me
Omid
December 10, 2010
Well, i just have to say you are an adorable girl and a real person as it shows in your blog ..
i loved it and keep following your posts. I just wanted to let you know that you did the right thing and someday, you gonna proud of the decision that you have made .
Take care of yourself and God bless .. : )
Tim
January 13, 2011
I think you are wonderful and a good thinker. As I read your posts, I see a whole new person I never would have expected.
I am a fan of your acting work; I always thought you were the best and the sexiest. But after reading your blog and after seeing your tv interview, I am more impressed than ever.
You are a modern day Thoreau, of sorts. I am proud of you!
Sincerely,
Tim from Massachusetts
Jeremy Bentham
January 15, 2011
I’m currently trying to deal with a similar addiction, and i know how it’s that, every day is a constant struggle you have to deal with, and people that talks about it without knowing a shit about it, but thinking that they do, are only trying to let you down, so don’t listen to them, you don’t have to take shit from anyone. I think you’re brave, it takes balls to do what you’re doing. So go for it, you’re an amazing and beautiful person that deserves the whole world, and that’s the only thing you must have on your mind every day to get what you want.
jerry
January 18, 2011
I’ll miss Penny, but Jennie sounds like someone
I’d like to get to know. Best of luck to Jennie.
tek
January 22, 2011
you probably wont read this. i usually dont write to “celebrities” [i.e. people i only "know" through their art/creation, not personally], but i have lately because for most of last year i was a drug addict. like you admit to being. a fear of intimacy/love, a feeling of wanting to make yourself invisible by becoming a slave to drugs or sex [or money or power /etc], is something that sadly most of us humans if not all go through. i relate to the feeling of prostitutes and porn stars even though im a male. because men can also be the same things, obviously
although i never was. but i mean the same gross feeling, the same fear of self and others, like you’re letting the system dominate you too much, it’s what’s dominating. you could practically call it Satan and that he has conquered the world as predicted by the bible. but of course it’s just words and metaphors.
good luck with your therapy and recovery.
Darrin G
June 21, 2011
I just wanted to say thanks again. I know I’m at your first post, but I’ve read several, and I have laughed, and cried, and sympathized, and empathized. Reading of your recovery is helping me get mine back on track. I don’t know why, it just is. Thanks, and keep up the great work, you are worth it.
adam
September 17, 2011
Hi Jennie,
I was compelled to visit here because the rehab show is currently on here in the UK,and I just wanted to say that you are one of my favourites on the show and i had to find out more about you.
You come across as a nice person and nearly have me in tears sometimes.I admire your story,it takes a strong person to battle through some of those things I imagine you have had to put up with and I wish you all the best in whatever you do in the future.Take care
cj
December 9, 2011
Hello Jennie,
I saw you last night with Dr. Drew and It made me really happy to see that there are still people like you that can overcome situations like the one you were in.
God bless your heart.
jenny
May 12, 2012
Check your surviving email.
. Jenny
vance m kosloff
May 16, 2012
Hi Jenny I would like to help you. I would like to be your friend.I use to run around and laugh alot you would of thought I was happy with the life I had but nobody knew and nobody saw and I was in a car wreck wich left me in a coma 31/2 months..Years later I am retired and financialy blessed.I am a christian and I was moved with compassion reading your story I would like to meet you and help call me Vance M Kosloff
Tom
July 25, 2012
Jenny,
Nice blog post. I don’t believe I have ever seen your movies. I am not much of a porn watcher. I was sexually abused at a young age and acted out through, athletics, alcohol and sex. I am not sure if you read your comments. Do you respond to comments via e-mail? I am a former east coaster and now live in San Diego. Can you e-mail me details of 12 step groups I can attend?
becomingjennie
July 26, 2012
Hey Tom,
Depending on which 12-step meetings you need, San Diego has some great meetings and is a wonderful place for recovery because there are tons of extra curricular things to do. It should be as simple as typing your specific program into the google and then san diego, AA, NA, CA, SAA, SLAA, just depends on what you’d like to work with first. Perhaps try one for alcohol first, as it is a fairly comprehensive program.
Welcome to the page
Michael Scott Turner
August 23, 2012
Dear Jenny,
I think we’d have a good time chatting about things. We have more in common than you think, and I swear I’m not hitting on you. Please, lets chat! Good things, I promise!!!
Nick East
calebdb8
September 26, 2012
I had read your first blog post before maybe once or twice. It had been a long time. Tonight though, I had read the back story on this first post as written in the book. The blog compliments the book and the book compliments the blog. Plus the book gives me some good ideas. Like drawing a circle and put the bottle inside. Then draw a larger circle (HALT and the like). Then a larger circle still that represents where I need to be if I want to be safe.
I bought the book because I thought it would be a bit like a long, in-detail, meeting for me.
Right now I am in my safe zone. Kicking back in my house, reading and learning, taking it one day at a time while simultaneously trying to remain thankful for what I have rather than focus on what I don’t have.
Less is more. I have been telling myself, after hearing in a meeting, that the less you have the more free you are. Within reason obviously. I don’t need access to thousands of streaming movies instantly. I don’t need the extra data plan on my phone. I don’t need the fastest internet connection my provider offers. Antenna works well enough 99% of the time, so now I don’t need the monthly fee for the sattelite. I don’t need a boat to fish in, I can stand on the bank of the lake for so much less money. It goes on and on for me.
Anyway, thanks so much for being an open book. Watching shows like Intervention and Dr Drew’s stuff slowly but surely showed me that maybe there was a better way to go about life. I can tell my wife is so much healthier now, probably because I am not driving the poor woman stinking nuts everyday.
And, in 52 minutes I am one day closer to four years. Tick, tick, tick. Like the oldtimers promised, the days do keep adding up.