The creation of Penny Flame.
Although I claim to be “finding my voice” I must say, I have always had one. I’ve always spoken through Penny Flame, and the voice that rang out through her was and is mine. As clouded by drugs and booze as it may have been at times, the voice was/is mine and I am proud to claim her as my creation. She has every positive and beautiful quality that I have inside, and if I didn’t have these qualities, there is no way I could ever portray them in her. Dr. Drew even said that Penny is a great chick, a phenomenal character, but she is just a character, and the movie she starred in has ended. At no point in my life will I ever regret being in pornography, because without it, I would be on an entirely different path, and in actuality, I am more than grateful to be on the path I reside. A recovering pornstar and addict.
I’ve had some comments asking whether or not I still want people watching my films. And the answer is yes. Of course I do. In fact I finally launched http://www.PennyFlame.com, and I am not ashamed of being a pornstar, albeit a recovering one. I am not ashamed of anything I have done on film, because at the times I did them, I made adult making adult decisions. I am entirely accountable for my actions, and at no point will I ever say “Porn Made Me Do It.” If I were to get online (or anywhere for that matter) and claim that pornography has created the monster that I feel lurking inside, I would be a hypocrite and a sham.
What has been bothering me is the thought that other people may think I’ve hopped on the God Squad with overzealous Shelly Lubben, who is in no way connected with what I am doing here. She is not someone that I aspire to be, because truth be told, Penny Flame is a bad bitch and one hot chick I want in my corner. At no point in my life will I ever pull a Jenna and bite the hand that feeds me, and has fed me for 8 glorious years. I loved doing porn, love watching porn, and think it is a great industry for people that can handle it. I just can’t anymore. To an extent. Which is why I’ve started down a new path.
What bothers me even more is the fact that I’m trippin off what other people think. Why the fuck do I care what some asshole on a forum says about me? Why the fuck do I worry about people thinking I’ve turned to the Christian Right movement, which I obviously haven’t. I mean, I can’t even say God in the serenity prayer in AA. I replace it with the word gravity. Gravity is my higher power. It is stronger than me and certainly more consistent. Occasionally I mix it in with Buddha. Buddha, grant me the Serenity. Even Love. Love is my higher power. But the G word has always wigged me out, especially the fundamentalist nonsense that Shelly spews. The revelations I am experiencing have nothing to do with God, or crazy Shelly, they have to do with ME. And only ME. And maybe gravity.
There are so many positive things that have come from my career in adult, the massive amount of support and friends being first and foremost. These are the people that will help me create a new life, and figure out who Jennie is. Because even though there are times when I can’t see who I am, the wonderful people around me always have, regardless of the name I’ve chosen to use.
The amount of people I’ve been able to reach through this career is remarkable. I’ve had men come to me saying I was the only one there for them on their loneliest night. Had couples thank me profusely for a scene I participated in that they really connected over. I’ve taught classes on handjobs and blowjobs and had people thank me for making them feel special by handing them a baby wipe. When I would dance, guys would drive hours to come see me, and be so nervous they would shake, and it was my pleasure to sit with them all night just talking, because I care. There are so many aspects of being a pornstar that I love, and will continue to love because they are such a huge part of Jennie, and it is that reason that makes it so hard for me to separate myself from Penny Flame. Because I want to be able to touch people as Jennie, and only Jennie, too. And that is what I’m trying to do here.
This blog isn’t about quitting porn and renouncing it, or condemning it. Its a great industry and makes many many people happy, pays many folks bills, and makes tons of lonely people feel not so alone.
This issue at hand for me has never been porn. It hasn’t even been sex. The issue at hand, and with sex addiction, is intimacy.Sex Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder, a disorder I’ve suffered from since a young age. Sex is simply a means of acting out. I can’t connect with people on an intimate level, regardless of whether or not I am fucking them, and this is a problem. Every single person in my life knows only the surface, the small amount of emotion that I allow to push through, and most the time I only allow it to show because I have to act human in order to be accepted. I’ve confused intimacy with intensity, and therein lies the problem. Porn didn’t make me like this. It made sense for me to do porn because the way I AM, it made showing up on set and fucking someone who’s real name never crossed my lips easy as pie, but I cared less about guys before I started fucking them on film. I am tired of being that way, of being emotionally bankrupt because of me, and that is why I am making these changes.
Just because I am making changes, does not make me ashamed of the life I’ve led. Just because I no longer wish to perform does not mean I want the entire industry to die, or kick rocks. This has been an amazing career for me, and I would recommend being a pornstar to anyone that can momentarily put aside the need to be intimate, and then pick it back up and go on with life. You can make yourself a little nest egg and live pretty (well you used to be able to but the economic state of the biz is so so). But I’d also recommend they quit the moment they can’t pick that emotion back up, the moment intimate becomes a foreign word. And that is what I am doing now. Putting my career down to figure out what intimate actually means. As it turns out, I never knew.
But that has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with finding me. With Becoming Jennie.
darkblack
May 5, 2009
‘It has to do with finding me.’
And that’s the cool part. Blessings on your path.
Epiplepic
May 5, 2009
Hey, I followed this link from Fleshbot. Went looking for naked pictures one evening and found the struggles and ruminations of a thinking, feeling person. It’s only porn, as long as everything isn’t porn, as long as there’s still room for everything else.
Pete
May 5, 2009
Jennie–
This entire blog is one of the most eloquent and moving expressions of human growth and progress I’ve ever seen.
I’m positively inspired.
Electromagnetism
May 5, 2009
Gravity? Hah! I love it! Some people (like Carl Sagan, the “billions and billions of stars” guy) think of god as the laws of physics. But why not just one? Why not just Gravity, the most mysterious of all forces, just as strange across the universe as at the center of a black hole, mathematically beautiful, obvious but unexpected. Gravity is Time. Gravity is Space.
Ah. I feel Him tugging at my eyelids. Must … obey …
PSSuperstars
May 5, 2009
This post speaks volumes.. and I think helps people who were worried that you may have been being brainwashed by them for the love of going mainstream.
Good luck! and keep rocking!
FL
May 5, 2009
Penny was nice to look at from a distance, but after reading your blog, i already like Jennie more. Now start liking yourself too.
/your fellow addict in Sweden
Bill
May 5, 2009
Hey Jennie,
I’ve never met Shelley Lubben . But I know of her. Her heart is in the right place. And she really seems to care about people, especially gals in the porn industry. Please don’t be too hard on her. Gravity, Buddha — whatever you want to call it. In fact, call it Karma. I believe that whatever you dish out to people comes back to you. Give kindness, get kindness. Give anger, get anger. Granted, it’s not always a perfect exchange, this for that. But, in general, I’ve found that the more accepting and compassionate I am (a very Buddhist concept), the more others are that way with me.
You want people to love Jennie Ketcham. You want to be understood. And accepted. And appreciated for who you are.
I’ll bet Shelley Lubben wants the same for herself.
Just a thought.
Have a great day, Jennie!
Cheers,
Bill
P.S. Don’t worry about what others think of you. They don’t know you personally. Remember: Just be Jennie. Don’t hinge your happiness on what others say or do. So let the forum posters post!
tightlockup
May 5, 2009
It’s not porn. Lots of people who aren’t pornstars are sex addicts.
I’ve seen a lot of your work, mostly on Kink. You were very good at what you were doing. Sometimes pornstars can seem like mindless automatons, just going through the motions. Not you. It seems as if subconsciously Jennie was not going to let it happen.
People who watch porn aren’t always uncaring unfeeling bums. I always hoped that the people I watched genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and weren’t affected negatively by it, but I guess that’s a head-in-the-sand way to look at it
Have a great day Jennie!
Paul
May 5, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Please know that at least some people support you fully and nonjudgementally. Be well on your journey and please ignore the jerks out there. There are plenty who want you for their own agenda or prefer you a one-dimensional object. But there are those of us who wish you well as you regardless of where this takes you.
Best of luck and much love
Tomek
May 5, 2009
hey Jennie!!
nice blog… i think that you should say Shalley that she need to remove her text about you from her blog… but anyway, you sohuldnt be so angry of her…
best Regards Jennie!!
Tomek
Laura
May 5, 2009
Jennie, this is a great post, and I look forward to reading more of your blog in the future. I think it’s important to know the reasons why you are getting into the adult industry, but no one really talks about why they got OUT. I think it’s just assumed that it was because you “couldn’t handle it” anymore, as if it’s a matter of being tough. It’s interesting to hear from someone who has been there that it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s the intimacy, and to hear you say that this has been a problem all your life, not something that was “brought on” by your adult film performances; seems like a bit of a chicken-or-egg question, anyway.
I wish you the best of luck in finding yourself, and in making yourself emotionally available to those who deserve it.
mattb
May 5, 2009
we were in the pink pony south the first time you told me your real name. and you told me i couldn’t use it. now i can
you are an intricate and complex person, i wish you the best of luck re-finding you 
please stay in touch!
mb
Ingrid Nevin
May 5, 2009
You sound absolutely amazing and very self-aware.
I could only with you luck on your journey.
I am mistrustful of the concept of sex addiction precisely because there are often underlying issues it masks that may not get addressed. But it sounds like you know what those are – which means you are on your way to solving them.
I would also highly recommend this article since at the very least, it’s thought provoking:
http://www.sexed.org/archive/article08.html
Rob E.
May 5, 2009
I look forward to the day when Jennie is bigger than Penny Flame. Oh wait. She already is. Porn’s loss, your gain. Congrats and good luck!
rob @ CHERI Magazine
Lux
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
Thanks so much for writing this. It’s really refreshing to hear someone talk about leaving porn without denouncing the industry–and though I’ll miss seeing you perform, I have no doubt that you’re making the right choice for you, and I fully support you doing what makes you happy.
For what it’s worth: the things that made you one of my favorite performers were far more about your kindness and intelligence, and the fact that you always struck me as a really sweet, fun, awesome girl–one who I really enjoyed meeting in Vegas in January, by the way.
If you ever need anything, I’ll always be happy to help out.
~Lux
CORRY
May 5, 2009
I am so happy for you as much as people will miss your films and the pennyflame character it’s more important for you to get better.Please keep your sense of humor and if you need anything please email me.I loved Penny Flame but I’m starting to like JENNIE better.
Johnny
May 5, 2009
Wow. It takes a lot to do what you are doing and I believe that it’s a direct reflection of your personality. You seem like a very complex yet intelligent person. I would love more than anything to be able to sit down with you and just have a conversation.
Best of luck in your new ventures!
-johnny
Mark Kernes
May 5, 2009
Dear Jenny,
I always knew Penny Flame was well-spoken … but Jenny Ketcham is positively eloquent!
I hope your new path takes you to bright, happy places because I think you’ve got the guts and determination to make the good things happen.
dave
May 5, 2009
“Life’s Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting “Holy Crap…What a Ride!”
Jenny, so you lived on the wild side for a while. You were an actress playing a role. You think you were typecast. It happens. You were damn good at what you did; you can be just as good in your next endeavor, whatever that might be.
Now you’re starting a new phase. Go with the flow. You’ll find your way. You just got a little late start.
Thank Goodness that you didn’t end up in the headlines like Shauna Grant.
tim
May 5, 2009
Great to hear of your choice. The question I suppose is what sort of person could learn to be intimate with someone with your past?
Valmont1978
May 5, 2009
I’m seriously supportive of your decisions to move down a different path Jennie. But as the creator of the BLAZED AND CONFUSED trilogy I just hope you aren’t all of the sudden against marijuana.
I understand you may be a recovering addict from it. And if so I indeed wish you a speedy recovery and a more positive life. As essentially harmless as the plant is, it IS possible to get addicted to it, based on personality and the way it makes you feel. It is rare but it is also a reality.
In the legalization movement, you tend to be a big name, and I know that NORML and other groups would hate to lose your support.
Gravity Bless You!
-Mat
Jono
May 5, 2009
I’m a reader of the old “myhotmess” blog, just dropped in today to check in the old girl. And “oh my, Jennie is mindblowing awesome. So much more that Penny couldn’t show.”
Awesome reading of wonderful writing. Always knew there was something under Penny; some people can paint, but Jennie does some much more.
If for whatever reason I ever meet you Jennie in person, I’d have no idea how I’d react?? Should I ask you for an autograph? Signed as Penny Flame or as Jennie Ketcham? Or just a handshake, a few quiet words of thanks, and silent admiration of the beauty of this fine lady.
Happy writing Jen.
Andy
May 5, 2009
Yes I always thought you were one of the ones who seemed to genuinely enjoy the fucking you were doing in your scenes, and that’s why you were the best. Very well-articulated post on what you’re going through. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.
MalzyWheels
May 5, 2009
My beloved grandfather used to say that there was “no substitute for brains.” From reading your blog there is no doubt in my mind that you have an abundance of brains and talent, both of which will serve you well in your new journey. I am so glad you were able to look in at yourself, through your problems, to see that there was a better way through life. Not many people are ever that wise.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
Malzy
Bill
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I don’t mean to poop on Mat’s parade. But I’m amazed he appears more concerned with his BLAZED AND CONFUSED film series and your support of NORML than he is with your recovery from addictions.
Maybe it’s just me. But that strikes me as callous and self serving. Perhaps that’s just my take on his reply. He’s probably a swell chap.
Cheers,
Bill
Jo Col
May 5, 2009
Jennie
Andy
May 5, 2009
“When I would dance, guys would drive hours to come see me, and be so nervous they would shake, and it was my pleasure to sit with them all night just talking, because I care.”
—sounds like you’re not so bad at intimacy.
Gila
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I agree with your and Dr. Drew’s assessment of Penny Flame. What made her one of my favorite women in porn was her spirit, her boldness, and how in a business that can sometimes me so sleazy, she remained an independent, feminine force. These are not qualities exclusive to Penny- I’ve read every entry on your new blog, and they must have come from you, from Jennie. You want to touch people as Jennie K. instead of her alter-ego. Well you have touched this reader right here, as your own self.
Good luck,
G.
AbulletAway
May 5, 2009
I just read on thread on our forum about you leaving the industry. I followed the link to your blog here and read your post. I had to comment.
We met once several years ago at a Vegas show. You were signing photos, you saw my medium pimpin t-shirt and asked for one. I ran and got you one. You were so nice and friendly. I had always wanted to know you better and never got the chance. You have always struck me as a class act and a terribly fun person to be around.
After reading your blog, I see I was right. I hope you find what you are looking for. I know this industry will miss you but sometimes we just need to take care of ourselves. Good luck with that and I hope you keep up with the blog.
Yours,
Erik aka AbulletAway…
Drew
May 5, 2009
Dear Jenny,
Porn didn’t make you do it. You’re right. We make our own choices. You are a spiritual being and the lie you were living – of being someone you are not, and the lie you were doing – sex with someone you are not married to, would never reconcile with the truth of the matter. That truth is this – you were created for an authentic, intimate, healthy relationship. You know this inside and you know this inside. Because you are honest, you couldn’t live the lie any longer. You can’t even say God? Why? You are on the right path precisely because God hasn’t ever abandoned you. You have been brave enough to follow your heart. The biggest adventure is still ahead. Be encouraged and listen when you pray. You will be made complete and your wounds will certainly be healed. You’ve never been alone the way you think.
tankman13
June 16, 2011
I have to agree with the above poster…
Maybe you don’t know it yet, but God is working in your life.
I’m going to do something that i have been flamed for doing before, but what the hey?
I’ll pray for your continued sobriety and to feel the love of God as well as the intimacy in your life.
J$TYLE$
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
Nothing but love here. You are an incredibly fun, intelligent, creative individual. Take life one day at a time and enjoy what you can. Find the real Jennie you seek – and I’m sure you’ll find happiness too.
All the best!
J$
jb Harley
May 5, 2009
Although I will miss your performances, I am much happier that you are doing what YOU need to do! Good for you Jennie. Good luck!
Asthmattic
May 5, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Thanks for sharing your new journey with us. Looking forward to seeing each step you take in your new direction.
Nice to meet you, btw.
Tophe
May 5, 2009
Life is a funny thing. There are no concrete answers.
Finding that balance between having some tangible direction in life (connect) and relying upon an
unyielding certainty (disconnect) is a big task for all of us.
I can’t write to you as a fan of your work, but I can write to you as someone that’s interested in your desire to open up this period of transition to the greater public.
Be well.
Roger
May 5, 2009
Welcome back, Jennie!
We’ve never met, and we aren’t likely to, but it just seems like something you should hear to celebrate your rediscovering yourself. So, on behalf of the world at large, welcome back, Jennie!
I first discovered this blog last night, and I was stunned by what I saw. I’ve seen some of Penny’s stills work in the past and enjoyed them, but never any videos or live appearances, and I can’t really say I’ve followed her career in particular. Then I read the blog and here’s Jennie instead – an intelligent, honest, witty woman with excellent writing and expression skills. Here’s someone with real heart, and real hurts, working through them as best she can. It made my night, really! It’s so refreshing to see someone who’s as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Thank you for being you, Jennie!
I’m just amazed at your level of your self-awareness. I think you already know who you are better than you might admit, even if you don’t know entirely how to “be” Jennie yet. But that’s an excellent foundation you’ve got to build on. You’ll do great!
It took a lot of strength to wear the Penny mask for so long, and even more to break up with her. Now in your most recent post it sounds like you’re planning to “just be friends” with her… wow. That can’t be an easy road – I truly admire your courage!
Finally, thank you for not going all “god squad” or “porn made me do it” as so many others have. In my opinion, those are only crutches just as surely as the alcoholism, drug abuse, or sex addiction are. They’re ways to escape being who you are, and avoid taking responsibility for your own decisions. I’m thrilled to read that you’re following your own path, and trying to rebuild yourself on who you really are, rather than someone else’s idea of who you should be. I know you can do it.
After reading just a handful of blog posts, I’m already a bigger fan of Jennie than I was of Penny, and I’m wishing you all the best. Go get ‘em, girl!
tom
May 6, 2009
I only ever commented on your older forum once. I’m not a big comment person, but I love to read.
I had to tell you, and I hope you read this, because I’ve been where you are, although I was not famous.
No matter how much you think your voice was ‘penny’ your heart was always Jennie. ALWAYS.
Below, the wild, courageous, bold, silly personality your heart was always guiding things. Before you say that I am full of shit and making shit up, it’s true.
I’ve learned aeons about how my heart was really there even though I was being someone else.
You are loved. People love the real you. People love Jennie. You should not worry or fear that people will like Jennie. I’m confident they always have.
I really hope you read this and maybe take a second to think about what I say.
I am very proud of you, and I am sending all of my positive energy out to you, because love is beautiful and so are you.
This is an amazing journey you are on and I am in your corner. For me this is not about your former career, I have never really seen that much of it to constitute being familiar with your filmography.
Beautiful days are ahead of you, and each one you will discover and love and love yourself so much more.
If you ever need anything, I’ve got your back. I’ve journeyed down your road and walked the same path and I am grateful for all of the good karma and beauty and love I’ve discovered in the years since I made the decision you have.
You are AWESOME x1000.
Good for you! Congratulations!
Peace and love,
Tom
thebluecan
May 6, 2009
Jennie,
Great site! Looking forward to reading your updates. Just keep being honest. That’s all anyone can ask of you.
And keep laughin.
tom
May 6, 2009
P.S.
I was a seriously serious raging alcoholic for years.
Love,
Tom
Ben
May 6, 2009
Damn. I’m seriously speechless. I am sending good thoughts your way, Jennie.
Brian
May 6, 2009
Jennie,
Thanks for all that you’ve given us of yourself. I look forward to following along on this blog as you continue to improve your life, and I wish you the best of luck. Your personality shined through in every performance and made you stand above the rest, and I have no doubt that that same personality will give you the strength you need in this new endeavor. You’re one of my favorites, but while I’m sad to see you go I’m also glad to see that you’re going on your own terms and taking charge of your life.
Gravity bless,
Brian
wilton aka boyblind
May 6, 2009
jennie-i have just read your blogs and i am so proud of you-i wish u all the best i am intested in you the person not the one in porn i wanted to get to know u. I wish u all the best and jennie u will always be in my heart.
boyblind442
May 6, 2009
jennie-you are wonderful i am glad i met u through metro and i wish u all the best.
PAR
May 6, 2009
Jennie…
I’m pleased to meet you…
I’ve met Penny a few times… But From your Post/Blog I have to say that I am happy to see this side of you.
I wont wish you luck because I really don’t think you need it. I think you will do just fine.
Please do keep up the art and the writing…
Jason
May 6, 2009
Hello Jennie.
I am currently working on a project to feature porn in both a positive and negative light. Can you please email me back at jasonbryan@spamarrest.com I would really like to interview you!
Thank you very much,
- J
matchmaker
May 6, 2009
Hey Jennie! I’m matchmaker from ADT. I read on ADT that you left porn. I read some of your blogs just now. Just wanted to say that I wish you luck with finding out who you are and what you want in life. Don’t worry about not having sex for a year. I’ve gone longer than that (mixture of voluntarily and not voluntarily).
Since you can’t have sex for a year, maybe you could use the year to figure out what you sexually like through masturbation. That way, you’d get to know yourself better sexually and when it comes time where you’re ready to have sex again, it would be more enjoyable. Even though I’ve never met you (except for knowing you from ADT and e-mailing you a couple of times), I always sensed that you’re a good person and someone cool to hang around with. I’m usually able to sense that about people.
Once again, good luck with everything.
matchmaker
KB
May 6, 2009
I love you girl!
The site is great, and it’s really getting some traction huh?
I think you have a wonderful forum here, and I love the name of your blog
)
Regards,
Kevin
metin
May 6, 2009
Hi Penny,
was that your artwork on yr blog site? Very cool.I’m an artist working in London and would love to share/exchange some paintings with you.So if your interested and have time please e-mail me
If not go be creative……its wonderful.
best wishes
metin
Mike D
May 7, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Penny’s right, “porn made me do it” is limp. But Penny’s just a persona, right? Or perhaps not. Either way it doesn’t matter that much.
I’ve lived a lot of my life through multiple personas, some I acknowledged as such, gave them names nad stuff; other times I’ve just flitted from one to another depending on the circulmstancs or company I’m in. But underneath I guess they were all, in some sense “me”.
So it doesn’t matter that we give names to our personas or not. The substantive point is that we’re all much more complex than rationalist ideas about individual free will would have us believe: the kind of ideas about us being free agents that, for instance, underpin the US constitution; free market economics; the idea of sanity and reasonablness that our in our legal system; the idea that fucked up young girls from broken homes high on drugs as they’re fucked up the arse are “concenting adults”, so therefore it’s okay.
The point I’m making is that we are all fucked up, not because porn (or alcohol, or drugs, or society or whatever) “made me do it”, but because being divided up like this is part of our existential condition, a large part of what it is to be a human being. Thus, in my view at least, humanity, all of it, is broken and in need of healing.
A friend I dearly loved got into hard drugs and street prostitution; she was dead before she was 20. She had a street persona, hard, sassy, streetwise, take no prisoners, a “concenting adult” (just about); a bit like Penny, in fact.
But underneath that persona “Chantelle”,there was the real her, in so far as any of us are the real anything, was someone quite different: a very sensitive person, very loving and giving, caring, polite and well-spoken; and oddly enough, considering how she fed her addictions, quite shy.
Reading Penny I think of her, about the way Penny is full of shit the way Chantelle was; the way the person struggling go come out of a closet full of personae is always more real, more interesting, more vivid, more mutli-faceted and, for that matter, more sexy.
So Penny says that she was there for people “on their lonliest nights”, so did Chantelle, but all the time she was locking them and herself into a loneliness and sexual solipsism that it was almost impossible to escape.
Penny muses about all the good she’s done “teaching blowjobs and handjobs”. Teaching? Well, unless I’ve missed out on some out-of-this-world BJs (which, I admit, is a possibility), it’s not as if Penny was teaching folks Manderin Chinese or how to fly a jetplane, is it?
And if guys drove miles all of a jitter just to see Penny dance, ll that shows is the extent to which porn prevented them from getting a life (or even a girlfriend). Guys twice, three times her age, drove miles all of a jitter for a sordid ten minutes or so with Chantelle, then went back to their wives and kids all sheepish, while she took another fix.
So there you have it: Penny is a flat, one-dimesional character, a stereotype, in fact; Jennie is a glittering multi-faceted diamond, a truly rounded character (I use the adjective inthe technical sense to denote full characterisation!); Jennie is a full human being, full of fascinating conflicts and contradictions.
I quote Jenny against Penny:
“Penny Flame was never free. But I suppose she wasn’t. There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment. There is nothing free in playing a character that isn’t you. There is nothing free about being someone other than the person you are.”
I love confessional literature (and what you and Penny write is quite close to literature). Long may Jennie continue to grow, heal, come-into-being, and self-reveal!
vtx1300s
May 7, 2009
My Dearest – we met in January in Vegas and I told you how much I admired and loved your writing. Evidence is again here in these writings. No matter what life path you choose, you have a gift in the art of written communication and maybe you might find solace in that. We all have our crosses to bear and many think theirs are worse than others, but in reality they are all hard to bear in their own right. You know that you have people that will be there for support, even when you don’t know them personally. You’ll find a path and you’ll walk it for as long as you need it.
Gary
May 7, 2009
OK so as long as you are doing want you want to do & being who you want to be then everything is cool. Be yourself & if your ever over in england & fancy a coffee, then mail me.
Enjoy who you are Jennie & the best of luck
iscariot
May 9, 2009
Jennie, two quotes for you:
One from Nietzsche:
“Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.”
… and one from Camus:
“If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.”
No regrets only moving forward, with love, passion and desire.
robert
May 9, 2009
My name is Robert and I’m also an addict.
Stay strong hun. Penny was an entertainer, but Jennie is real. Who remembers the first strong man they saw at a circus? Or the really flexible girl in the box? Yet I can still remember my first kiss from a girl named Stacy F almost 30 yrs ago.
Someone you touched upon b4 penny, can still remember you that way. My sister was in porn for a breif stint as were some of her freinds that i knew b4. I dont think of them by their pro personas. I’m sure Betty Mae Paige wasnt thought of as the “Notorius Bettie” by her real freinds and family. She passed away happy and quietly just this last december (RIP).
You dont need god or children to find your strenght those are mostly crutches. George Carlin once said he worships the sun and prays to Joe Pesci. He gets the same results as when he was a devote catholic. And besides Joe stopped that noisy neighbor after jusy one request. lol.
Gravity is a constant force you dont need to belive in it to know its there. I dont have kids but my friends and cousins do, and they’re always happy to see uncle rob. They say memories fade but so do videos and dvds. Websites can crash, and who knows what new “obsenity” laws will hit the net. Nothing is permenant. Cliffsides crumble a little every year.
Take the time for you. Dont rush. Lets take it one day at a time. I believe you can do it. I’ll be following on twitter. Good luck and love, Rob
Marko
May 14, 2009
Hi Jennie.
My name is Marko and I’m 21 years old. I can really relate to this blog above. I have similar problems I also seem to lack emotions and when I show it they are often fake. I also don’t really know who I really am and I feel like I’m hiding behind a mask. I don’t know when the mask is off or on anymore and what is really me. I wish you the best and hope you get better emotionally. Your blog is truly beautiful. Marko
Hasan
May 21, 2009
Brave
But did you think geeply of your deeds sweet girl?
you are very beautiful
Neil
May 26, 2009
Jennie -
First off, I’ve been a HUGE fan of Penny Flame for the last several years – you were far and away the best, most interesting and most exciting woman in porn, so thank you for many wonderful nights…
More importantly, I applaud you for the strength of character to recognize something within yourself that you need to address, and being willing to do what it takes to seize control of your life. That can be an amazingly difficult thing. But when you finally look inward, and realize you have a problem, and reach out for help – it’s amazing how you can transform yourself.
I have no doubt you will find your path; this is simply the next chapter of life – one hopefully filled with beauty and hope. Good luck, and may a totally non-fundamentalist, all-loving and all-forgiving God be with you.
mrnngg
May 30, 2009
Jennie,
I think you have a tremendous voice. I stumbled across your blog by accident but incidentally it has become one of my more interesting pieces of reading material.
It seems like finally after a long time you’re able to start really understanding you for you and not your “other character”. I think honestly alot of us have 2 sides. There are days I”m a student and days I feel like going to play poker professionally. Interestingly, the two have coincided when I decided to study gambling as a topic for a paper but that’s for another time.
As for intimacy issues, I’m not really sure how pervasive they are for you but I think a lot of us have them. It’s possible some people are just better developed or can pick up vibes etc./ can just really get into it. Heck, I’m going to a wedding this week where the bride and groom are getting married after virtually 8 years of their lives together from the beginning of university till the end of med school. That’s probably the “classic” model of a so called perfect marriage in the making but who knows right?
The one thing I hate about relationships/intimacy is that there is no exact formula/science to success because the world is such a diverse place. Such that, everything can be perfect and still not work out or paradox ally everything can be horrendous and end up working out better.
Anyways I’ve rambled on enough.
Just wanted to stop by and say I’m glad you found your way and your doing something about it.
Cheers
Ramon
June 2, 2009
Jennie,
I stumbled upon this blog and find it interesting to read your life perspective. You certainly are a uniquely charismatic woman.
I’ve seen several of your scenes and appreciated the intelligence and energy you brought to each one. It is obvious to me that you are a gifted and talented communicator. It showed in your scenes and now in your writing.
My best to you, and continued health and prosperity.
shane
June 14, 2009
Welcome home Jennie…welcome home….
bigfoot
June 19, 2009
Jennie –
Here’s hoping you find the intimacy that has thus far eluded you. I cannot think of a more worthy search for an individual to undertake.
I had it – had it for 20+ years and it was yanked away from me (think of the carpet being pulled out from under your feet). For me, life without intimacy is not worthy of the effort. After several years of depression and wondering if I was worthy, I recently decided that I was. So my search begins anew.
We deserve intimacy – Each of us. And I’ve no doubt that we will both find it in time. Good luck taking that next step!
Trevor
June 27, 2009
Good luck, Jennie.
Dan
July 7, 2009
Lovely.Good luck Jennie
Jennie
July 18, 2009
I’d just like to say I just jacked my cock to you getting skull fucked, and I don’t care what you have to say about anything because you’re a filthy slut.
DS
July 22, 2009
Just found your blog linked from a Real Princess Diaries review and love it. Good luck dealing with this and I’m glad to see you haven’t turn into one of those right wing zombies.
S.
July 26, 2009
Good for you, Jennie!
S.
S.
July 26, 2009
Good for you Jennie!
S.
JP
July 29, 2009
Well thought. I think what you are experiencing is what many other girls in the industry feel…it’s just that you have the ability to articulate it. Porn exploits girls and ruins their feelings. Good luck to you and welcome home.
John
August 10, 2009
Every Woman's Battle: Discovering God's Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment
christalball
August 14, 2009
wow, Jennie ~ you are doing some great work here. really impressive with your revelations here. you are uncertain, but you are plunging into your recovery with both feet. that’s great what you’ve done about Penny. she’s parts of you, for sure, and i’ve learned that it isn’t healthy to straight 86 something just because it was “the past.” anyhow, it’s good to own parts of our identities, “good or bad.” their purpose my “serve no use,” but it served at one point and may very well serve at another, where you will just be seen as Jennie Ketcham and nothing more or less in the future:^) i have to say that i’m glad you haven’t turned into a “jeebus bitch,” but something told me that you wouldn’t let that happen anyway ~ another reason why i appreciate you;^) i like your Gob substitution. my higher power has been the memory of myself as a confident, stubborn and charismatic little boy ~ one that i have adopted as my inner child. “raising” this inner child has also been a source of higher power in itself…. i’m glad you really identified that intimacy issue. that’s a big one, one that i grapple with as well…. anyway, i never intend on being a Penny Flame fan. i’m getting to be a Jennie Ketcham fan, now:^)
Caepio
August 16, 2009
Hi – I wish you all the luck in the world in your journey. I was always impressed by you in your scenes – not just for the pleasure your brought me, but because it has been exceptionally interesting to watch you, not just your body. It has been like you and the viewer and nobody else is there, the connection was so strong. I would have enjoyed being with you not for the mechanical pleasure but because you are so complex. Ok. Next. We all have difficult times, but you have stepped up and confronted yours eye to eye. That takes real courage and stamina, and I wish you the best. If only there were some way to help, but you have all the strength you need within yourself. Honestly I confess that you’ll probably always remain my greatest sex fantasy, but also someone who is becoming a whole person. And that is what is really sexy. All the very best, Tom
one at a time
August 28, 2009
Jennie-
It’s been a while since you posted this so you may never read it, but I just want to let you know there’s one more soul in the world wishing you well. I’m 9 months clean and they have been incredible, terrible, difficult and amazing. I like the “gravity” thing. I found a book by a guy named Bucky Sinister – you may know it already – that I really liked. Can’t remember the title, but he talks a lot about how to come to deal with the God part of AA. Fertilizer for thought.
And I empathize with the lack of intimacy, the fear of being found out, if you let the act slip for a second. It’s sort of like life as an exercise in Method Acting. You may be brilliant at it but it is still just acting.
I’ll be checking in from time to time to see how you’re doing. Prayer and I don’t travel in the same circles, but I’ll send some good vibes your way. Mahalo.
Charles
October 9, 2009
Jennie,
I met you once. It was a great thrill of mine. It was in Kansas City and you were in town for a weekend. I thought it was great to see you as Penny. But, I have to tell you, Jenie sounds like a tougher and cooler chick than I could ever have imagined. I am so proud of you. I wish you well.
Doug
November 16, 2009
Jennie, I found this on the sex rehab messageboard under inside the mind of a sex addict This guy named Jason sounds just like Shelly Lubben.
http://www.thereisanelephantintheroom.blogspot.com/
I also checked her website and found out a male porn star was murdered I don’t know if you knew him or not.
http://www.shelleylubben.com/
Also there is an internet model named Dawson Miller I dont know if you are familiar with her or not who is now a Shellly Lubben type in fact when I googled Dawson Miller real name I found these links
http://www.newsgab.com/forum/free-all/53810-truth-behind-dawson-miller-so-called-internet-models.html(warning my anti virus software popped up so be careful.)
http://www.outsidebutinporn.com/
Just google Dawson Miller(adult content)
Dawson Miller real name,Dawson Miller truth,Justine Jacobs(Her real name) or Justine Tullier(Her married name. A former internet model who is now a Shelly and Jason type.
btw I heard you had trouble using the name God in your serenity prayer and other things George Wahington and our forefather would usually use the word Providence instead. that is probably how Providence Rhode Island got its name.
I don’t know if they still use that word I don’t use it myself but your blog reminded me if that particular bit of history.
Doug
November 17, 2009
Correction, You may may not want to click on http://www.newsgab.com/forum/free-all/53810-truth-behind-dawson-miller-so-called-internet-models.html as I recommended I couldn’t even see most of the site because I kept getting popups redirects and malware warnings from my anti virus software.
Chris Brown
November 20, 2009
Jennifer,
you & I have never(and likely will never) met, but we have one thing in common with each other: we’re both recovering addicts. I haven’t looked at internet porn for almost 5 months now, & I don’t feel one bit bad about it. I too want to find a meaningful relationship with a woman & realize that one of the ways to make that happen is to distance myself from this addiction I had, am still recovering from, & will continue to recover from until the day I die. I wish you nothing but luck on your new journey in life & I thank you for having the balls to be you, even as you’re trying to distance yourself from the life you lived as “Penny”.
Justin
November 23, 2009
Just started reading your blog after watching a few episodes of Sex Rehab. You seem like a very open, interesting and intelligent person. I just wanted to give you some encouragement in your rejection of fundamentalism and the Christian Right.
I myself grew up in a very fundamentalist/conservative household and it can be extremely damaging. Not as damaging as the complete lack of structure that you had, but still damaging.
I think the key in your recovery will be moving toward moderation, knowledge, thoughtfulness, and rejecting fanaticism and extreme behavior in all its forms. I’ve grown up around people who have become addicted to this fundamentalist idea of God and it skews your view of the world in many unhealthy ways.
Its great to see you recognize that you don’t have to become a crazy Christian in order to recover from these problems. I wish you the best.
clyde
November 27, 2009
You are one very cool chick!
CB
December 24, 2009
I really identified with your post here. As much as you think that you are not allowing intimacy in your life, I feel like I know you because I am you on a certain level.
We (society) have become superficial and judgemental, and that’s what you were hiding from. That’s what I hide from.
I feel alone in the world and that no one can or will understand me on the deep level I yearn for. In a sense I think that is what we all want in life…to be understood without judgement.
I have enjoyed our previous writings and am making my way through your blog entries.
Keep writing. You are a natural at creating art through words.
I realize we will never be friends socially, but your courage to show the world who you are makes me feel more able to identify with others.
I hope you are recieving this gift in return from the responses to your blog entries.
Word Press
December 30, 2009
I’ve enjoyed your movies to the extent I can enjoy porn (the attraction for the viewer is also precisely its emotionlessness, its bloodlessness, it gives so much and no more): but what always attracted me to you — as I’m sure many people — is your talking, which is to say both your way with words and language and the intelligence that came through even in trash talk. So it may turn out in time that the experience helped you discover many things about yourself that had nothing at all to do with sex. Hang in there.
Ama
March 6, 2010
I love this post so much. You’ve articulated your position so well and it’s wonderful to see a person recovering from their problems without cutting off their past as something some other person experienced. Good luck to you and thank you for writing!
Kristen
March 30, 2010
Jennie, your writing is so amazing and honest. Simply said, I’s so glad I found your blog.
Jax
May 3, 2010
To think that you wrote this almost 1 year now is incredible. I saw you in Sex Rehab and Sober House and I just found your blog. It is nice to see that you are doing well. I think you will get what you want and more in life! Thanks for being an inspiration, and I wish you the best of luck in all you!
P.S. Keep on painting. I love your art!
Jax
May 3, 2010
I meant in all you do.
Andreas
May 10, 2010
Thanks Jennie.
I’m a big fan of yours, Jennie or Penny. You’re one inspiring person!
I’m glad you are so open about everything!
I’m happy for you!
It’s nice, for a chance, to hear from an ex-porn star, who did NOT quit due to God-shit or because of bad sides of the industry (hey there’s both GOOD and BAD). I totally get where you’re at! So no matter what, keep strong, smile and you’ll live life to the fullest. You’re doin’ it right now! All the best to you!
kevin
July 7, 2010
FROM SINNER TO SAINT – THE STORY OF MARY MAGDALENE
(Extracts from Maria Valtorta’s The Poem of the Man-God )
The conversion of Mary Magdalene, out of whom “seven demons” had departed (Lk. 8:2), was a process rather than an event. It began only because she was prayed for, and because she wanted it. Jesus knew this, and He sowed His seeds of love, challenge and forgiveness. Mary responded, flew to the help of Jesus’ Mother, and never turned back on her journey towards holiness. She demonstrated obedience to Jesus, and “hope beyond hope” in His promise to return after Lazarus’ death. She pledged faith and “infinite love”, and after the Virgin Mother, she was the first to whom Jesus appeared after His Resurrection. Jesus’ teachings on Her conversion are a lesson for all evangelists, and the story of Mary Magdalene is a model of hope for all sinners.
[According to the decree of the Congregation of the Propagation of the Faith, AAS 58, 1186, approved by Pope Paul VI on October 14th 1966, it is permitted to publish, without a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur, works relating to private revelations, prophecies and miracles etc., provided that they contain nothing which contravenes faith and morals. The compiler wishes to affirm submission to the final and official judgement of the Church regarding the visions and dictations contained in these extracts.]
PRAY AND FORGIVE
(Vol. 1, p. 603)
(Jesus is taken by Simon the Zealot to the house of his friend and neighbour Lazarus, in Bethany. There Jesus is greeted by Lazarus, and He meets Lazarus’ sister Martha, a swarthy, tall, plumpish and beautiful young woman. Martha asks Jesus if He is aware of the behaviour of her sister Mary Magdalene, and of Mary’s immoral behaviour…)
« Pray for her, Master. I pray… but I cannot forgive completely and perhaps the Eternal Father rejects my prayer. »
« You are right: you must forgive to be forgiven and heard. I already pray for her. But give Me your forgiveness and Lazarus’. You, a good sister, can speak and achieve even more than I can. His wound is too fresh and sore for My hand to touch it even lightly, You can do it. Give Me your full holy forgiveness, and I will… »
« Forgive… We will not be able. Our mother died of grief through her ill deeds and… they were still slight compared with the present ones. I see my mother’s torture… it is always present to me. And I see what Lazarus is suffering. »
« She is ill, Martha, and insane. Forgive her. »
« She is possessed, Master. »
« And what is diabolic possession but a disease of the spirit infected by Satan, to the extent of degenerating into a spiritual diabolic being? How can certain perversions in human beings be explained otherwise? Perversions that make man much worse than beasts in ferocity, more lewd than monkeys in lust, and so on, and make a hybrid, in which man, animal and demon are mingled. That is the explanation of what amazes us as an inexplicable monstrosity in so many creatures. Do not weep. Forgive. I see. Because My sight is sharper than the sight of the eye or of the heart. I see God. I see. I tell you: forgive, because she is ill. »
« Cure her, then! »
« I will cure her. Have faith. I will make you happy. But forgive and tell Lazarus to forgive. Forgive her. Love her. Be on familiar terms with her. Speak to her as if she were like you. Speak to her of Me… »
« How do You expect her to understand You, the Holy One? »
« She may not seem to understand. But My Name, even by Itself, is salvation. Get her to think of Me and to mention My Name. Oh! Satan runs away when a heart thinks of My Name. Smile, Martha, at this hope. Look at this rose. The rain of the past days had spoiled it, but look, the sun today has opened it, and it is even more beautiful because the drops of rain on the petals adorn it with diamonds. Your house will be like that… Tears and sorrow, now, and later… joy and glory. Go! Tell Lazarus, while I, in the peace of Your garden, will pray the Father for Mary and for you… »
THE SEEDS OF MARY MAGDALENE’S CONVERSION
(Vol. 1, p. 736-40)
(Some time later, Jesus is speaking to a crowd of people in the garden of the house of Simon the Zealot. He compares the world, which belongs to bad people who only appear to be happy, with paradise which belongs to the good. Lazarus and Martha see their sister Mary behind a hedge at the back of the crowd. Jesus holds Martha back and continues …)
« What shall we say of those unhappy people? God gave them time to do penance, but they misuse it in order to sin. But God does not lose sight of them, even if He seems to. And the moment comes when, either because the love of God pierces their hard hearts, as a thunderbolt penetrates a rock, or because the total mass of crimes carries the wave of their filth right into their throats and nostrils – and they are disgusted, at last they are disgusted with that taste and that stench which are nauseating also to other people and fill their own hearts – the moment comes when they loathe it and a feeling – desiring good – roots in their hearts. Each soul then cries: “Who will allow me to go back to former times, when I was a friend of God? When His light shone in my heart and I walked in its rays? When the amazed world was silent before my justice, and who saw me said I was blessed? The world craved for my smiles, and my words were received like the words of an angel, and the hearts of my relatives leapt with pride in their chests. And what am I now? I am an object of derision to young people, of horror to elderly people, I am the subject of their songs, and they spit scornfully in my face.”
Truly, that is how in certain moments the souls of sinners speak, the souls of the true Jobs, because there is no greater misery for man than to lose God’s friendship and His Kingdom for ever. And they must arouse pity. Only pity. They are poor souls, who out of idleness or rashness, have lost the eternal Spouse. “On my bed, at night, I sought him whom my heart loves. I sought but did not find him”. In fact in the darkness one cannot distinguish the spouse, and the soul, spurred by love, being thoughtless because, enveloped by a spiritual night, seeks and wants to find relief from its torture. And the soul thinks it can be found with any love. No. Only one is the love of the soul: God. Those souls, spurred on by the love of God, wander seeking love. It would be sufficient for them to wish to have light and they would have Love as their consort. They wander like sick people, groping for love, and they find all the loves, all the foul things that man has so called, but they do not find the Love, because the Love is not gold, pleasure, power, but God.
Poor souls! Had they been less lazy and had they risen at the first invitation of the eternal Spouse, of God Who says:
“Follow Me”, of God Who says: “Open to Me”, they would not have opened the door, in the outburst of their awakened love, when the disappointed Bridegroom was already far and had disappeared… And they would not have desecrated the holy impulse of the need of love in a mire which disgusts even unclean animals, as it is so useless and strewn with trite troubles, which were not flowers but thorns, which torture but do not crown. Neither would they have known the sneering words of the patrol guards, of the whole world, which, like God, but for opposite reasons, does not lose sight of the sinner, but waylays him to mock at him and criticise him.
Poor souls, beaten, despoiled and wounded by the whole world! Only God does not join in such pitiless scornful stone throwing. But He lets His tears drop to cure the wounds and put an adamantine dress on His creature. Always His creature… Only God… and the children of God with the Father. Let us bless the Lord. He wanted Me to come back here for the sake of sinners to say to you: “Forgive. Always forgive. Make every bad thing become a good one, and every offence a grace”. I do not only say to you “make”. I say: imitate My attitude. I love and bless My enemies, because through them I have been able to come back to you, My friends.
Peace be with you all. »
The women in the crowd wave veils, the men branches: then all slowly depart after greeting Jesus.
« Will they have seen my shameless sister? »
« No, Lazarus. She was well concealed behind the hedge. We were able to see her because we were up here, the others could not see her. »
« She had promised us… »
« Why was she not to come? Is she not a daughter of Abraham? I want you, My brothers, and you, My disciples, to swear that you will not let her understand anything. Leave her alone. Will she laugh at Me? Never mind. Will she weep? Leave her alone. Will she be staying? Leave her alone. Will she be wanting to run away? Leave her alone. The secret of the Redeemer and of redeemers is to be patient, good, persevering and to pray. Nothing else. Every gesture is too much in the case of certain diseases… Goodbye, My friends. I am staying here to pray. Each of you may go to his own task and may God be with you. »
(Later, Jesus explains His attitude to His disciple and future apostle, Simon the Zealot…)
« And they would have liked Me to work a miracle immediately for her. And I could have done it. But I do not want a forced resurrection in hearts. I will force death and it will give Me back its victims. Because I am the Master of death and of life. But I will not force a resurrection on spirits, because they are not made of matter, which is lifeless without a soul, whereas spirits are immortal beings capable of rising of their own will. I give the first call and the first help, like one who opens a sepulchre in which a man still alive has been closed, and where he would die if he were to remain for a long time in that stifling darkness, and I let in air and light… then I wait. If the spirit is anxious to come out, it comes out. But if it does not want to come out, it grows darker and it goes to the bottom. But if it comes out!… Oh! If it comes out, I solemnly tell you that no one will be greater than a risen spirit. Only absolute innocence is greater than a dead person that becomes alive by force of love and for the joy of God… My greatest triumphs!
Look at the sky, Simon. You see there, stars, little stars and planets of various sizes. They all live and shine for God Who made them, and for the sun that illuminates them. But they are not all equally bright and of the same size. It will be the same in My Heaven. All the redeemed will have life through Me, and will receive brightness from My light. But they will not be all equally bright and great. Some will be plain star-dust, like the dust that makes Galathea milky, and will be those countless ones, who received from Christ, or rather, have taken from Him the minimum indispensable not to be damned, and only through the infinite mercy of God, after a long Purgatory, will come to Heaven. Others will be brighter and better formed, the just who have united their own will, please note that I am saying will, not good will, to the will of Christ and have obeyed My words not to be damned. Then there will be the planets, those of good will, and they will be brightest! Their light will be like a pure diamond or a bright gem of different hues: the red of a ruby, the violet of an amethyst, the gold of a topaz, the white of a pearl: the lovers faithful unto death for love, the repentants for love, the people active for love, the people immaculate for love.
And there will be some of those planets, and they will be the glory of the Redeemer, that will glare like amethysts, rubies, topazes and pearls, because they will be everything for the sake of love. They will be heroic to the extent of forgiving themselves for not having loved before, repentant to become saturated with expiations as Esther was saturated with perfumes before presenting herself to Ahasuerus, untiring in doing in a short time, the short time left to them, what they did not do in the years they spent in sin, pure to the extent of heroism in forgetting, also in their bodies, besides in their souls and thoughts, that they had senses. They will be the ones who, through their multiform brightness, will attract the eyes of the believers, of the pure, of the repentant, of the martyrs, of the heroes, of the ascetics, of the sinners – and for each of those categories their brightness will be a word, a reply, an invitation, an assurance… »
JESUS THROWS OUT A CHALLENGE
(Vol. 2, p. 172-5)
(It is summer time, and Jesus is speaking to a large crowd in a mountainous place, near the Sea of Galilee …)
The sermon has already started. I understand that it is the Sermon of the Mount. But the Beatitudes have already been proclaimed. I would say that the sermon is drawing towards the close because Jesus says: « Do that and you will receive a great reward. Because the Father Who is in Heaven is merciful to good people, and He knows how to give you one hundredfold to one. So I say to you… »
There is much excitement amongst the people who crowd round the path leading to the tableau. The people closest to Jesus turn their heads round. Everybody’s attention is distracted. Jesus stops speaking and turns His eyes in the same direction as the others. He is serious and handsome in His dark blue tunic, His arms folded on His chest while the first rays of the sun, rising above the eastern peak of the hill, shine on His head.
« Make room, you plebeians » shouts the angry voice of a man. « Make room for the beauty who is passing… » and four dandies, smartly dressed, come forward, one of whom is certainly Roman, because he is wearing a Roman toga; they are carrying Mary of Magdala, still a great sinner, triumphantly on their hands, crossed to form a seat.
And she smiles with her beautiful mouth, throwing back her head and her golden hair, which is all plaits and curls held by precious hair-pins and a pale gold leaf strewn with pearls, which encircles the upper part of her forehead like a diadem, from which small light curls hang down to veil her splendid eyes, made larger and more seductive by a refined make-up. The diadem disappears behind her ears, under the mass of plaits at the back of her snow-white completely bare neck. And her nakedness extends much farther than her neck. Her shoulders are bare down to her shoulder-blades and her breast is even more so. Her dress is held on her shoulders by two little gold chains. It is completely sleeveless. Her body is covered, so to say, by a veil the only purpose of which is to protect her skin from sunburn. The dress is of a very light fabric, and when she throws herself back, out of affection, against one or the other of her lovers, she seems to be doing so completely nude. I am under the impression that the Roman is the one she prefers, because she glances and smiles at him more frequently, and rests her head on his shoulder.
« The desire of the goddess has been satisfied » says the Roman. « Rome has acted as a mount for the new Venus. Over there, there is the Apollo you wanted to see. Seduce Him, therefore… But leave some crumbs of your charm also to us. »
Mary laughs, and with an agile provoking movement, she jumps to the ground, showing her small feet shod in white sandals with golden buckles, as well as a good length of her leg. Then her dress covers her whole body. It is in fact a very wide one of snow-white wool as thin as a veil, held tight at the waist, very low, near her sides, by a large belt made of supple gold bosses. And she stands on the green tableland, where there is a vast amount of lilies of the valley and wild narcissi, like a flower of flesh, an impure flower which has opened there by witchcraft.
She is more beautiful than ever. Her tiny purple lips seem a carnation, opening on the whiteness of her perfect set of teeth. Her face and body would satisfy the most exacting painter or sculptor, both because of her complexion and her figure. With her broad breast, her perfectly sized sides, her naturally supple slender waist, as compared with her sides and breast, she does look like a goddess, as the Roman said, a goddess sculptured in a light pinkish marble, on the sides of which a fabric is draped and then hangs in the front in a mass of folds. Everything has been devised to please.
Jesus stares at her. And she defiantly resists His look while she smiles and twists lightly as the Roman tickles her, running on her bare shoulders and breast a lily picked among the grass. Mary, with affected indignation, lifts her veil saying: « Have respect for my innocence » which causes the four to burst into a guffaw.
Jesus continues staring at her. As soon as the noise of the laughter fades away, Jesus resumes speaking, as if the apparition of the woman had kindled the flame of the sermon, which was losing intensity in its conclusion, and no longer looks at her. He looks instead at His audience who seem embarrassed and scandalised at the event.
Jesus says: « I told you to be faithful to the Law, to be humble and merciful, to love not only your brothers by the flesh, but also those who are brothers because they were born, like you, of man. I told you that forgiveness is better than hostility, that compassion is better than stubbornness. But now I tell you that you must not condemn, unless you are free from the fault you wish to condemn. Do not behave like the Scribes and Pharisees, who are severe with everybody except themselves, who call impure what is exterior and can only contaminate what is exterior, and then they receive impurity in the very depths of their hearts.
God does not stay with the impure. Because impurity corrupts what is the property of God: souls, and in particular the souls of children who are angels spread over the earth. Woe to those who tear off their wings with the cruelty of devilish beasts, and throw those flowers of Heaven into the mire, by letting them taste the flavour of material things! Woe… It would be better if they died, struck by thunderbolts, rather than commit such sin!
Woe to you, rich and fast living people! Because it is amongst you that the greatest impurity thrives, and idleness and money are its bed and pillow! You are now sated. The food of concupiscence reaches your throats and chokes you. But you will be hungry. And your hunger will be terrible, insatiable and unappeasable for ever and ever. You are now rich. How much good you could do with your wealth! Instead, you do so much harm both to yourselves and to other people. But you will experience a dreadful poverty, on a day that will have no end. You now laugh. You think you are triumphing. But your tears will fill the ponds of Gehenna. And they will never cease.
Where does adultery nestle? Where does the corruption of young girls hide? Who has two or three licentious beds, in addition to his own matrimonial one, on which he squanders his money and wastes the strength of a healthy body given to him by God, that he may work for his family, and not to wear himself out through filthy unions which place him below unclean beasts? You heard that it was said: “You shall not commit adultery”. But I tell you that he who looks at a woman lustfully, that she who wished to go with a man, has already committed adultery in his or her heart, simply by that. There is no reason which can justify fornication. None. Neither the abandonment nor the repudiation of a husband. Nor pity for the repudiated woman. You have one soul only. When it is joined to another soul by a pact of faithfulness, it must not lie. Otherwise the beautiful body for which you sin will go with you, o impure souls, into the inexhausted fire. Mutilate your body, rather than kill it for ever by damning it. Come to your moral senses, o rich men, verminous sinks of vice, so that you may not disgust Heaven… »
Mary, who at the beginning listened with a face which was a dream of allurement and irony, sneering now and again, at the end of the sermon becomes livid with rage. She realises that although Jesus does not look at her, He is speaking to her. She becomes more and more livid and rebellious, and at last can resist no longer. She spitefully envelops herself in her veil and followed by the glances of the crowds jeering at her, and by Jesus’ voice which pursues her, she runs down the slope of the mountain, leaving strips of her dress on the thistles and dogrose bushes growing on the edges of the path, laughing out of anger and mockery…
ANOTHER ENCOUNTER WITH THE MAGDALENE
(Vol. 2, p. 221-3, 225-6)
(Jesus tells His apostles that they are going to the town of Magdala, on the shore of the Sea of Galilee between Tiberias and Capernaum. Peter is scandalised at the thought of entering an ill-famed area of the town, but Jesus tells him He came to save those people who are lost. They enter a street with luxurious houses and gardens …)
A loud noise of crying people can be heard from a sumptuous house. It is the voices of women and children. The shrill voice of a woman shouts: « My son! My son! »
Jesus turns round and looks at His apostles. Judas steps forward. « No, not you » orders Jesus. « You, Matthew. Go and find out. »
Matthew goes and comes back: « A brawl, Master. A man is dying. A Jew. The man who wounded him, a Roman, has run away. His wife, mother and children have rushed to help him… But he is dying. »
« Let us go. »
« Master… Master… It happened in the house of a woman… who is not his wife. »
« Let us go. »
Through the wide open door they enter a large hall which opens on to a lovely garden. The house seems to be divided by this kind of covered peristyle, which is full of pots with green plants, statues and inlaid articles. It is a mixture of a hall and greenhouse. In a room, the door of which opens on to the hall, there are some women weeping. Jesus goes in confidently. But He does not pronounce His usual greeting.
Among the men present there is a merchant who obviously knows Jesus, because as soon as he sees Him, he says: « The Rabbi of Nazareth! » and greets Him respectfully.
« Joseph, what is the matter? »
« Master, a stab wound in his heart… He is dying. »
« Why? »
A grey-haired unkempt woman stands up – she was kneeling near the dying man holding his limp hand – and with distracted face and voice she shouts: « Because of her, because of her… She has turned him into a devil… Mother, wife, children no longer existed for him! Hell will have you, Satan! »
Jesus looks up and His eyes follow the trembling accusing hand and in a corner, against the dark red wall, He sees Mary of Magdala, more immodest than ever, wearing, I would say, nothing on half of her body, because she is half naked from the waist upwards, draped in a kind of hexagonal net decorated with little round objects which look like tiny pearls. But as she is in a half-light, I cannot see her well.
Jesus lowers His eyes once again. Mary, lashed by His indifference, stands up, whereas before, she seemed somewhat depressed, and strikes a defiant pose.
« Woman » says Jesus to the mother. « Do not curse. Tell Me. Why was your son in this house? »
« I told You. Because she infatuated him. She did. »
« Silence. So, he was in sin, too, because he is an adulterer and an unworthy father of these innocent children. He therefore deserves his punishment. In this life and in the next one there is no mercy for those who do not repent. But I feel sorry for your grief and for these innocent children. Is your house far? »
« About one hundred yards. »
« Lift the man and take him there. »
« It is not possible, Master » says Joseph, the merchant. « He is breathing his last. »
« Do as I tell you. »
They place a board under the body of the dying man and the procession slowly moves out. They cross the street and go into a shady garden. The women go on crying loudly.
As soon as they enter the garden, Jesus addresses the mother. « Can you forgive? If you forgive, God will forgive. We must be kind-hearted, to obtain grace. He has sinned and will sin again. It would be better for him to die, because, if he lives, he will fall into sin again and he will have to answer also for his ingratitude to God Who has saved him. But you and these innocent ones (and He points at the wife and children) would give yourselves up to despair. I have come to save, not to lose. Man, I tell you: stand up and be cured. »
The man begins to recover. He opens his eyes, sees his mother, wife and children and lowers his head shamefully.
« Son, son » says the mother. « You were dead, if He had not saved you. Come to your senses. Don’t be infatuated for a… »
Jesus interrupts the old woman. « Be quiet, woman. Have mercy, as mercy was granted to you. Your house has been sanctified by a miracle, which is always the evidence of God’s presence. That is why I could not work it where there was sin. You, at least, must endeavour to keep it such, even if he will not. Take care of him now. It is fair that he should suffer a little. Be good, woman. And you. And you little ones. Goodbye. » Jesus has laid His hand on the heads of the two women and of the children.
He then goes out, passing in front of the Magdalene who followed the procession as far as the entrance of the house, where she remained leaning against a tree. Jesus slackens His pace as if He were waiting for His disciples, but I think He does so to give Mary a chance of making a gesture. But she does not.
The disciples reach Jesus, and Peter cannot help muttering between his teeth an epithet appropriate to Mary, who, wishing to strike an attitude, bursts into a laugh of a weak triumph. But Jesus heard Peter’s word, and addresses him severely: « Peter. I do not insult. Do not insult. Pray for sinners. Nothing else. »
Mary stops her trilling laughter, lowers her head and runs away, like a gazelle, towards her house.
(Later, Jesus explains why He did not speak to Mary directly, as a Saviour might …)
« No. All that is not needed. I already said so, many months ago, in regard to another sinner. Souls must react by themselves. I pass and sow the seed. The seed works in secret. A soul is to be respected in this work. If the first seed does not take root, another must be sown, and a third one… and one must give up only when there is definite proof that it is useless to sow. And one prays. Prayer is like dew on the clods of earth: it keeps them soft and nourishes them, so that the seed can sprout. Is that not what you do, woman, with your vegetables?
Now listen to the parable of how God works in the hearts of men to establish His Kingdom there. Because every heart is a small kingdom of God on the earth. Later, after death, all these small kingdoms will agglomerate into one, immeasurable, holy eternal Kingdom of Heaven.
The Kingdom of God is created in men’s hearts by the Divine Sower. He comes to his field – man belongs to God, because every man is initially His – and sows His seed. He then goes to other fields, to other hearts. Days follow the nights and nights the days. The days bring sunshine and rain, in our case rays of divine love and effusion of divine Wisdom speaking to the spirit. The nights bring stars and restful silence: in our case enlightening calls of God and silence for the soul, so that it may collect its thoughts and meditate.
The seed, in this course of imperceptible but powerful influence, swells, splits, takes root, sprouts, grows. And all that happens without any help from man. The soil spontaneously produces grass from seeds, the herb becomes strong and supports the rising ear, the ear grows, swells, hardens, becomes golden and perfect when seeding. When it is ripe, the sower comes back and cuts it because the time of perfection has arrived for that seed. It cannot develop any further, and so it is harvested.
My word does the same work in hearts. I am referring to the hearts which receive the seed. But it is a slow process. One must not spoil everything by being hasty. How troublesome it is for the little seed to split and take root! Such work is painful also for a hard wild heart. It must open itself, allow people to search it, accept new things and nourish them laboriously, appear different – being covered with humble useful things, instead of the fascinating, pompous, useless, exuberant flourishing that covered it previously. It must be satisfied with working humbly for the benefit of the divine Thought, without drawing other people’s admiring attention. It must exert all its talent to grow and burst into ear. It must bum with love to become corn. And after overcoming all fears of human opinion, which are so grievous, after toiling, suffering and becoming attached to its new dress, it must be deprived of it by a cruel cut. It must give everything to receive everything. It must be divested, to be clad again in Heaven with the stole of sainthood. The life of a sinner who becomes a saint is the longest, most heroic and glorious fight. I tell you.
You will realise from what I told you that it is fair that I should deal with Mary as I am doing. Did I behave differently with you, Matthew? »
« No, my Lord, You did not. »
« And tell Me the truth: what convinced you more, My patience or the bitter reproaches of the Pharisees? »
« Your patience, so much so that I am here. The Pharisees, by despising and anathematizing me, made me scornful, and out of contempt I did more harm than I had done so far. That is what happens. Sinners become more obstinate when they realise that they are treated as sinners. But when we are caressed instead of being insulted, we are dumbfounded and we weep… and when one weeps, the whole framework of sin collapses… »
A RAY OF HOPE
(Vol. 2, p. 476-7)
Jesus arrives quietly and unannounced at the house of Lazarus, the brother of Mary Magdalene, to find him praying in a loud voice:)
Do not disappoint me, my Lord. Corroborate the ray of hope which has begun to shine in my heart. Grant me what I have asked You for thousands of times with my tears, what I have asked for by my actions, by forgiving, by my whole self. Give me it in exchange for my life. Grant me it in the name of Your Jesus, Who has promised me that peace. Can He possibly tell lies? Must I think that His promise was nothing but vain words? That His power is inferior to the sinful abyss which my sister is? Tell me, my Lord, that I may resign myself for Your sake… »
« Yes, I tell you! » says Jesus.
Lazarus springs round and cries: « Oh! my Lord. When did You arrive? » and he bends to kiss Jesus’ tunic.
« Only a few minutes ago. »
« All alone? »
« With Simon Zealot. But I came here alone. I know that You have a great thing to tell Me. So tell Me. »
« No. Answer first the questions which I ask God. According to Your answer, I will tell You. »
« Tell Me, do tell Me, your great thing. You can tell Me… » and Jesus smiles stretching out His arms invitingly.
« Most High God! It is true? So You know that it is true?! » and Lazarus goes towards Jesus’ arms to confide his great thing.
« Mary asked Martha to go to Magdala. And Martha left full of anxiety as she feared some misfortune… And I was left here, with the same fear. But by the servant who accompanied her there, Martha has sent me a letter, which has filled me with hope. Look, I have it here, on my heart. I keep it here, because it is more valuable to me than a treasure. It is very short, only a few words, but I read them now and again, to make sure that they have really been written. Look… » and Lazarus takes from under his tunic a small roll tied with a violet ribbon and unfolds it. « See? Read it, read it. In a loud voice. If You read it, it will sound more certain to me. »
« “Lazarus, my brother. Peace and blessing to you. I arrived in a short time safe and sound. And my heart has no longer throbbed with fear of fresh misfortunes, because I saw that Mary, our Mary, is all right and… shall I tell you? She looks less disturbed than previously. She wept on my heart. She wept bitterly… And then, during the night, in the room where she had taken me, she asked me many things about the Master. That is all for the time being. But since I see Mary’s face and I hear her words, I can say that hope has been raised in my heart. Pray, my dear brother, and hope. Oh! If it were true! I am remaining here a little longer because I feel that she wants me to be close to her, as if she wished to be defended from temptations. And that she wants to learn… What? What we already know. Jesus’ infinite bounty. I told her about that woman who came to Bethany… I see that she is pensive, very pensive indeed… Jesus ought to be here. Pray and hope. The Lord be with you”. » Jesus folds the roll and hands it back.
¬¬ « Master… »
« I will go. Is it possible for you to tell Martha to come and meet Me at Capernaum in a fortnight’s time, at most? »
« Yes, I can do that. And what about me? »
¬¬ « You will stay here. I will send Martha here as well. »
« Why? »
« Because redemptions are deeply modest. And nothing causes more shame than the eye of a parent or of a brother. I also say to you: “Pray, pray, pray”. »
Lazarus weeps on Jesus’ chest… Then, when he recovers, he tells of his anxiety, of his depression… « For almost a year I have been hoping… and despairing… How long is the time taken by resurrection!… » he exclaims.
Jesus lets him speak… until Lazarus realises he is failing in his duty of a host, and he stands up to take Jesus into the house…
JESUS RE-ASSURES MARTHA
(Vol. 2, p. 491-3)
(Later, at Capernaum, Martha tells Jesus that Mary is going through a personal crisis, with fits of despair and self-mutilation. Jesus says:)
« Do you remember, Martha, what I told you once? “Mary is ill”. You did not want to believe it. Now you can see it. You say that she is mad. She says herself that she is ill and suffers from a sinful fever. I say: she is ill because she is possessed by a demon. It is still a disease. And her incoherent behaviour, her fury, her tears, her affliction, her longing for Me are stages of her illness, which has come to a moment of crisis and has its most violent fluctuations. You are doing the right thing in being good to her and patient with her. You are right in speaking to her of Me. Do not be disgusted at mentioning My Name in her presence. Poor soul of My Mary! Her soul also was created by the Father, and it is in no way different from all other souls, from yours, from Lazarus’, from the souls of the apostles and disciples. Her soul also was included and foreseen to be amongst the souls for whom I became flesh, in order to be their Redeemer. In actual fact I have come more for her than for you, Lazarus, the apostles and disciples. Poor soul of My Mary, who is suffering so much! Of My poor Mary who has been poisoned with seven poisons besides the first universal poison! Of My imprisoned Mary! But let her come to Me! Let her breathe the air I breathe, let her hear My voice and meet My glance!… She calls herself: “Manure”… Oh! My poor dear soul in whom the demon of pride is the weakest of the seven possessing her! Only because of that she will be saved! »
« And if she should find someone who may lead her astray once again, when she comes out? She is afraid of that herself… »
« And she will always be afraid of that, now that she has gone so far as to loathe vice. But be not afraid. When a soul already has the desire of coming to Good, and is held back only by the diabolic Enemy, who is aware that he is going to lose his prey, and by the personal enemy of one’s ego, which reasons in a human way and judges itself in a human way, ascribing to God its own judgement to prevent the soul from controlling the human ego, then that soul is already strong enough against the attacks of vice and of vicious people. It has found the Polar Star, and will no longer deviate. And do not say to her again: “You have not thought of God and You are instead thinking of Israel?” It is an implicit reproach. Do not do that. She has just come out of a fire. She is one big sore. Touch her lightly, only with balms of kindness, of forgiveness and hope… Leave her free to come. You must tell her when you are thinking of coming, but do not say to her: “Come with me”. On the contrary, if you understand that she wants to come, do not come yourself. Go back and wait for her at home. She will come back to you broken by Mercy. Because I must remove the wicked power that is holding her, and for a few hours she will look like a woman whose veins have been cut, or whose bones have been removed by a doctor. But later she will feel better. She will be dumbfounded. She will be in great need of caresses and silence. Assist her as if you were her second guardian angel: without letting her perceive your presence. And if you see her weeping, let her weep. And if you hear her asking herself questions, leave her alone. And if you see her smile, and then become serious, and then smile once more in a different way, with a different look, with a different countenance, do not ask her questions, do not make her feel uneasy. She is suffering more now, ascending, than she did, descending. And she must ascend by herself, as she descended by herself. She could not bear you to look at her when she was descending, because your eyes were full of reproach. And she cannot bear you to look at her now that her sense of shame has been aroused at last. Then she was strong, because Satan, her master, was with her, and a wicked strength supported her and she could challenge the world, and yet she could not bear to be seen by you in her sin. Now Satan is no longer her master. He is still a guest in her, but Mary’s will is holding him by the throat. And she has not Me yet. That is why she is too weak. She cannot even bear your caressing sisterly eyes watching her confession to her Saviour. All her energy is employed and consumed, in holding the septuple demon by the throat. For all the rest she is defenceless and unclothed. But I will reclothe her and fortify her. Go in peace, Martha. And tomorrow tell her tactfully that I shall be speaking near the torrent of the Fountain, here in Capernaum, after vesper. Go in peace. I bless you. »
THE LOST SHEEP, AND A SOUL’S SALVATION
(Vol. 2, p. 501-10)
(Jesus has been telling a large crowd about the shepherd who has left the 99 sheep, and has searched for and has at last found his lost sheep …)
… Jesus has never turned round to look at the road behind Him and on which Mary of Magdala has arrived in the dim light of the evening. She is most elegant, but at least she is dressed, and she is wearing a dark veil which conceals her features and figure. But when Jesus continues His speech from the words: « I found you, my beloved one », Mary hides her hands under her veil and weeps, softly and continuously.
People cannot see her, because she is on this side of the embankment which runs along the road. Only the moon, now high in the sky, and Jesus’ spirit, can see her…
(Jesus comments to Maria Valtorta, whom He calls His “little John”, about Mary Magdalene’s conversion:)
« … I reveal those pages of the past to you, to make you happy and to give a rule to those who must learn to bend over those women, who are lepers in their souls, and also to invite those poor wretches, who are suffocating in their sepulchres of vice, to come out of them.
God is good. He is good to everybody. He does not measure by means of human measures. He does not discriminate between mortal sins. Sin, whatever it may be, grieves Him. Repentance pleases Him and makes Him willing to forgive. Resistance to Grace makes Him inflexibly severe, because Justice cannot forgive the unrepentant who will die as such, notwithstanding all the help given to them so that they might be converted. But the main cause of forty per cent, if not fifty per cent, of non-conversions is the negligence of those responsible for conversions, that is, a mistaken false zeal protecting real selfishness and pride, whereby one is happy in one’s refuge, without having to descend into dirt to save a heart from it. “I am pure, I deserve respect. I will not go where there is filth and where they may fail to respect me”.
But has he who speaks thus not read the Gospel, where it is written that the Son of God came to call tax collectors and prostitutes besides the honest people, the only honest ones according to the old Law? Does he not think that pride is impurity of the mind, and lack of charity is impurity of the heart? Will you be despised? I was despised before you and more than you, and I was the Son of God. Will you have to wear your clean robe where there is filth? And did I not touch that filth with My hands to make it stand up and say to it: “Walk on this new way”? Do you not remember what I said to your first predecessors? “Whatever town or village you go into, ask for someone trustworthy and stay with him”. So that the world may not grumble. Because the world is inclined to see evil in everything. But I added: “When you enter houses – ‘houses’ I said, not ‘house’ – salute them saying: ‘Peace to this house’. And if the house deserves it, peace will descend upon it, if it does not, your peace will come back to you”. I said that to teach you that until there is a definite proof of unrepentance, you must have the same heart for everybody. And I completed My lesson by saying: “And if anyone does not welcome you and does not listen to your words, as you walk out of those houses or towns, shake the dust from your feet”. Sin is but dust, and God makes good souls, who have constantly loved Him, like smooth crystal cubes: it is enough to blow or shake the dust, and it disappears without doing any harm.
Be really good. Be thoroughly united, with eternal Bounty in the middle of you, and no corruption will be able to foul you above the soles of your sandals which touch the ground. Souls are so high up! I mean the souls of those who are good and thoroughly united to God. Such souls are in Heaven. And no dust or filth can reach up there, not even when thrown angrily at the spirit of an apostle. They may strike your flesh, that is, they may wound you physically or morally, persecuting you or offending you, because Evil hates Good. And so what? Was I not offended and wounded? Did they perhaps carve those blows and foul words into My Spirit? Did they upset Me? No, they did not. Like spittle on a mirror or a stone thrown against the juicy pulp of a fruit, they skidded without penetrating, or they penetrated only superficially, without damaging the kernel enclosed in the stone: on the contrary it fosters its germination, because it is easier to sprout from a cracked core than from a whole one. Through death corn germinates, and an apostle becomes active. Sometimes through physical death, or dying daily metaphorically, by crushing one’s human ego. But that is not death: it is Life. The spirit triumphs over the death of humanity.
She (Mary Magdalene) came to Me to satisfy the passing fancy of an idle woman who did not know how to while away the time, and although her ears were almost deafened by the false homage of those who lulled her, singing to her sensuality in order to make her their slave, she heard the clear severe voice of Truth. Of the Truth that is not afraid of being despised or not understood, and speaks looking at God. And like festive bells ringing together, all the voices mingled in the Word: voices wont to sing in the open blue sky, spreading over valleys and hills, plains and lakes, to commemorate the glory of the Lord and His festivity.
Do you not remember the solemn festivity that in peace time made the day of the Lord so joyful? The big bell, with its resonant clapper, gave the first peal in the name of divine Law, and seemed to be saying: “I am speaking in the name of God, Judge and King”. The smaller bells then harmonised: “Who is good, merciful and patient”, and the smallest bell, in a silvery angelical voice added: “Whose Love urges men to forgive and be indulgent, to teach men that forgiveness is more useful than wrath, and compassion is greater than inflexibility”.
Likewise, after recalling the Law, trampled on by the sinner, I made her hear the song of forgiveness. I shook the hope of forgiveness in the darkness of sin, like a green-blue silk scarf among dark shades, so that hope might put in its comforting words. Forgiveness! It is like dew on the parching thirst of sinners. Dew is not like hail, which strikes like a dart, bounces and without penetrating the soil, kills flowers. Dew descends so lightly that even the most delicate flower does not perceive it resting on its silk petals. But it drinks its refreshing moisture. Dew settles near roots, on parched clods of earth, and penetrates the soil… It is a moisture of tears, the tears of stars, the loving tears of mothers on their thirsty children, whom it nourishes together with their sweet bountiful milk. Oh! the mysteries of elements operating also when man rests or sins! Forgiveness is like such dew. It brings not only cleanliness, but also vital juices, taken not from elements, but from divine hearths.
And after the promise of forgiveness, Wisdom speaks, saying what is legal and what is not legal, and it reproaches and shakes, not out of harshness, but out of maternal anxiety to save. How often your hardness becomes more impenetrable and unyielding to Charity bending over you!… How often you run away while Charity speaks to you!… How often you scorn It! How often you hate It!… If Charity dealt with you as you deal with It, woe to your souls! Instead, see, It is the Untiring Walker who comes looking for you. And It reaches you even if you hide in the darkest of dens.
Why did I decide to go to that house? Why did I not work a miracle in it? To teach the apostles how to behave, defying prejudices and criticism in order to fulfil their duty, which is so high as to be free from the trifling things of the world.
Why did I say those words to Judas? The apostles were still very much men. All Christians are very much men, also the saints on the earth, although to a lesser degree. Some humanism survives also in perfect souls. But the apostles were not yet perfect. Their minds were pervaded with human reasoning. I lifted them up. But the weight of their humanity pulled them down again. To let them descend as little as possible, I had to put something on their ascending way, which could stop their descent, something on which they could stop to meditate and rest, and thus be able to ascend again to a higher level than previously. I had to bring forth something capable of convincing them that I was God, that is: introspection of their souls, victory over elements, miracles, transfiguration, resurrection, ubiquity. I was on the road to Emmaus when I was in the Last Supper room, and the time of My ubiquity, when discussed by the apostles and disciples, was one of the reasons which affected them most strongly, freeing them from their ties, and urging them on to the way of Christ. Rather than to Judas, who was already brooding over death, I was speaking to the other eleven. I was compelled to make it very clear to them that I was God, not out of pride, but of necessity for their formation. I was God and Master. Those words define Me as such. I reveal Myself by means of an extra-human faculty, and I teach a virtue: we must not talk evil things not even in our hearts. Because God sees, and God must see a pure heart to descend into it and dwell there.
Why did I not work the miracle in that house? To make everybody understand that the presence of God calls for a pure environment, out of respect for His sublime majesty. I did not work the miracle there, because I wanted to speak to her, not uttering words with My lips, but with a deeper word addressed to her sinful soul, and say: “See, poor wretch? You are so filthy that everything near you becomes foul. So foul, that God cannot act. You are filthier than he is. Because you are repeating Eve’s sin, and are offering your fruit to many Adams, by tempting them and taking them away from their Duty. You are a minister of Satan”. But why do I not want her to be called “satan” by his dejected mother? Because no reason can justify insult and hatred. The first essential condition to have God with us, is to bear no ill-will and to forgive. The second condition is to admit that we, or those who belong to us, are sinners as well. We must not see only other people’s faults. The third condition is to remain grateful and faithful, after receiving grace, out of justice to the Eternal Father. Woe to those who, after receiving grace, are worse than dogs and do not remember their Benefactor, whereas animals do!
I did not say one word to Mary Magdalene. I looked at her for a moment, as if she were a statue, then I left her. I went back to the “living ones” whom I wanted to save. I treated her with seeming carelessness, as if she were dead, like or more than a lifeless sculptured piece of marble. But I did not utter a word or make a gesture that did not aim mainly at her poor soul, which I wanted to redeem. And the last words: “I do not insult. Do not insult. Pray for sinners. Nothing else”, like a garland of flowers the ends of which are joined together, are to be joined to the first words spoken upon the mountain: “Forgiveness is more useful than wrath, and compassion than inflexibility”. And these have enclosed the poor wretch in a cool velvet circle, scented with goodness, making her feel how the loving service of God is different from the cruel slavery of Satan, how sweet is the heavenly perfume as compared to the stench of sin, and how relaxing it is to be loved holily, as compared to being possessed satanically.
See how moderate is the will of the Lord. He does not exact immediate conversions. He does not claim the absolute from a heart. He can wait and be satisfied. And while He waits for the lost woman to find her way, for the mad woman to find reason, He is satisfied with what the dejected mother can give her. I ask her only: “Can you forgive?” How many more questions I should have asked her to make her worthy of the miracle, if I had behaved according to human standards! But I measure your strength in a divine way. It was already a great success if the poor deranged mother could really forgive. And that is all I ask her, at that moment. After giving her son back to her, I say to her: “Be holy and make your house holy”. But while the pangs of grief derange her mind, I ask her but to forgive the culprit. You must not exact everything from those who shortly before were in Darkness. That mother was to come later to full light, with her daughter-in-law and the children. For the time being, it was necessary to let the first dawning of Light reach her eyes blinded by tears: that is, forgiveness, the dawn of God’s day.
Of the people present only one – I am not referring to Judas, I am speaking of the people gathered there, not of My disciples – only one was not to come to the Light. There is always someone for whom the apostle toils in vain. But you must not lose heart because of such defeats. An apostle must not pretend to achieve everything. Struggling against him there are adverse powers, with many different names, and like tentacles of an octopus they grasp again the prey that he had snatched from them. But the apostle is still meritorious. Woe to the apostle who says: “I am not going there because I know that I shall not be able to convert anyone”. He is an apostle of very little value. It is necessary to go, even if only one in a thousand will be saved. His apostolic day will be as fruitful because of that one, as it would be for a thousand, because he will have done everything in his power, and that is what God rewards. You must also consider that where the apostle is not able to convert, because the person to be converted is too firmly gripped by Satan and the power of the apostle is inadequate to the effort, God may intervene. And then? Who is greater than God?
Another thing that the apostle must absolutely practise is love. Clear love. Not only the secret love for the hearts of brethren. That is enough for good brethren. But the apostle is a worker of God, and he must not limit himself to prayer: he must act. Let him act with love, with great love. Rigour paralyses the apostle’s work and hinders the motion of souls towards the Light. So: not rigour, but love. Love is the incombustible fabric that protects you against the blaze of wicked passions. Love is the saturation of preserving essences which prevent human-satanic putrefaction from entering you. To conquer a soul you must learn how to love. To conquer a soul you must induce it to love: to love Good and disown its petty sinful loves.
I wanted Mary’s soul. And as in your case, My little John, I did not confine Myself to speaking from the Teacher’s desk. I stooped looking for her in the paths of sin. I pursued her and persecuted her by means of My love. A kind persecution! I-Purity followed her where she was Impurity. I was not afraid of any scandal, neither with regard to Myself nor to others. I could not be scandalised, because I was Mercy; and Mercy weeps over sins but is not scandalised by them. Woe to the shepherd who is scandalised and entrenches himself behind the screen of scandal to abandon a soul! Do you not know that souls are more inclined than bodies to rise again, and that the pitiful loving word saying: “Rise, sister, for your own good” often works a miracle? I was not afraid of other people’s scandal. My behaviour was justified in the eyes of God, and was understood by good people. An evil-minded man fermenting with wickedness, which evaporates from a corrupt heart, is of no importance. Such man finds faults also in God, and considers only himself perfect. I therefore paid no attention to such people.
The three phases of the salvation of a soul are:
To be thoroughly and strictly honest in order to be able to speak without any fear of being silenced. To be able to speak to a whole crowd so that our apostolic word, addressed to the crowds gathering round our mystical boat, may travel farther and farther, like circles of waves, until it reaches the miry shore, where those who are not interested in knowing the Truth are lying in the mud. That is the first task in order to break the hard crust of the soil and prepare it to receive the seed. It is the hardest task both for him who performs it, and for him who receives it, because words, like a sharp ploughshare, must wound the listener in order to open his heart. And I solemnly tell you that the heart of a good apostle is hurt and bleeds, because of the grief in having to wound in order to open. But that grief also is prolific. Through the blood and the tears of an apostle, waste land becomes fertile.
The second quality: It is necessary to act also where one, less conscious of one’s mission, would flee. The apostle must break his back in the effort to extirpate darnel, couch-grass and thorns, in order to clear the soil and plough it, and then let the power of God and His bounty shine on it like the sun. And at the same time, like a judge and a doctor, he must be severe and merciful, and remain firm in the period of waiting to give the souls time to surmount their crises, to meditate and make up their minds.
Third phase: As soon as a soul that has repented in silence, dares to come shyly towards an apostle, weeping and thinking of its faults, fearing to be driven away, the apostle’s heart must be greater than the sea, more gentle than a mother’s heart, more loving than a bride’s, and he must open it completely to allow waves of tenderness to flow from it. If you have God, Who is Charity, within you, you will easily find charitable words to be spoken to souls. God will speak in you, and on your behalf, and like honey dripping from a honeycomb, like balm flowing from a phial, love will reach parched sickened lips; it will reach wounded souls, and will be relief and medicine.
You doctors of souls, make sinners love you. Let them taste the flavour of Heavenly Charity, and let them become so eager for it, as to seek no other food. Let them feel in your kindness such a relief, as to seek it for all their wounds. Your charity must free them from all fear, because, as the epistle which you have read today says: “To fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love”. Neither is he perfect who causes people to be afraid. Do not say: “What have you done?” Do not say: “Go away”. Do not say: “You cannot have relish for good love”.
Say, instead, in My name: “Love and I will forgive you”. Say: “Come, Jesus’ arms are open”. Say: “Enjoy this angelical Bread and this Word, and forget the pitch of Hell and Satan’s sneers”. Bear the weakness of other people. An apostle must bear his own and other people’s weaknesses, with his own crosses and other people’s. And while coming to Me, laden with wounded sheep, encourage the poor stray souls saying: “Everything is forgotten by now”; say: “Be not afraid of the Saviour. He came from Heaven for you, just for you. I am but a bridge to carry you to Him Who is waiting for you, on the other side of the river of penitential absolution, to lead you to His holy pastures, which begin here, on the earth, and continue in Heaven, in everlasting nutritious delightful Beauty”… »
(Early next morning, Jesus is about to leave Capernaum by boat, when Martha arrives with her servant Marcella, and tells Him what has happened …)
« Oh! Master… Mary came home last night shortly after midnight. Oh! I was forgetting to tell You that while we were having lunch at midday, she said to me: “Would you mind lending me one of your dresses and a mantle? They may be a little short. But I will leave the dress loose and hold the mantle down…” I replied to her: “You may take whatever you wish, my dear sister”. My heart was throbbing, because shortly before, speaking to Marcella in the garden, I had said to her: “At vesper we must be at Capernaum, because the Master is speaking to the crowds this evening” and I saw Mary start and change colour. She became restless, moving about all alone, like a person in pain or in a flutter, on the point of making a decision… but does not know which way to decide. After lunch she went into my room and took the most dark and modest dress I had, she tried it on and asked the nurse to let the hem down, as it was too short. She tried to do it herself, but weeping she confessed: “I am no longer good at sewing. I have forgotten everything useful and good…” and she threw her arms round my neck saying: “Pray for me”. She went out about sunset… How much I prayed, that she might not meet anyone who would keep her from coming here, so that she might understand Your word and succeed in definitely strangling the monster enslaving her… Look: I put on Your belt, which I tied under my own, and when I felt my waist being oppressed by the hard stiff leather, to which it is not used, I would say: “He is stronger than anything”. Then Marcella and I came by wagon, as it is quicker. I do not know whether You saw us in the crowd… But what an aching pain in my heart at not seeing Mary! I would say to myself: “She must have changed her mind. She has gone back home. Or… she has run away as she could no longer stand my control, although she had asked for it”. I was listening to You and weeping under my veil. Your words seemed to be spoken just for her… and she did not hear them! That is what I was thinking as I did not see her. I went back home down-hearted. It is the truth. I disobeyed You because You had said to me: “If she comes, you stay at home and wait for her”. But think of my heart, Master! It was my sister coming to You! How could I not be there to see her near You? And then… You said to me: “She will be broken” and I wanted to be near her to support her at once…
I was kneeling in my room weeping and praying and it was after midnight when she came in. She came in so softly that I heard her only when she threw herself upon me, embracing me and saying: “Everything you say, my blessed sister, is true. Nay, it is much more so than you told me. His mercy is much greater. Oh! Martha! There is no further need for you to watch me! You will see that I am no longer cynical and miserable! You will no longer hear me say: ‘I do not want to think!’ Now I want to think. I know what to think of. Of Bounty Which became flesh. You were certainly praying for me, sister. And victory is already within your grasp: Your Mary, who no longer wants to sin and who is born to a new life. Here she is. Look at her straight in the face. Because she is a new Mary, whose face has been washed by tears of hope and repentance. You can kiss me, my pure sister. There is no trace of shameful love affairs on my face. He said that He loves my soul. Because He was speaking to my soul and about my soul. I was the lost sheep. He said, listen if I am right. You know how the Saviour speaks…” and she repeated Your parable perfectly. Mary is so intelligent! Much more intelligent than I am. And she remembers. So I heard You twice; and if those words were holy and adorable on Your lips, on hers they were holy, adorable and loving because they were spoken by my sister, who had been found and had come back to the family fold. We were sitting on a mat on the floor, embracing each other, as we were wont to do when we were little girls in my mother’s room, or near the loom where she wove or embroidered her wonderful cloths. And we remained thus, no longer divided by sin, and my mother also seemed to be present in her spirit. We wept without any grief, on the contrary, with so much peace! We kissed each other happily… And then Mary, who was tired after her long walk, and was exhausted with emotion and so many feelings, fell asleep in my arms, and with the help of the nurse I laid her on my bed… and I left her there to come here… » and Martha, thoroughly happy, kisses Jesus’ hands.
« I also will tell you what Mary said to you: “Victory is already in your grasp”. Go and be happy. Go in peace. Let your behaviour be kind and prudent with your reborn sister. Goodbye, Martha. Let Lazarus know, as he is worried. »
« Yes, Master. But when will Mary come with us women disciples? »
Jesus smiles and says: « The Creator created the universe in six days and rested on the seventh. »
« I understand. I must be patient… »
« Yes, patient. Do not sigh. That is a virtue as well. Peace to you, women. We shall meet soon » and Jesus leaves them and goes towards the place where the boat is waiting near the shore…
MARY MAGDALENE IN THE HOUSE
OF THE PHARISEE
(Vol 2, p. 511-20)
(Maria Valtorta describes an earlier vision she sees at a banquet in the house of Simon, the Pharisee:)
I see the magnificent curtain covering the door-space being raised, and a young woman come in. She is beautiful, sumptuously dressed, and her hair is splendidly arranged. The artistically interlaced locks of her very thick blond hair form a beautiful ornament on her head. Her hair is so bright and abundant that she seems to be wearing a golden helmet, wrought in relief. If I should have to compare the dress she has on with the ones I have always seen the Blessed Virgin Mary wear, I would say that it is very peculiar and complicated. There are buckles on the shoulders, jewels to hold together the pleats at the top of the breast, little gold chains to outline the breast, and the belt is adorned with studs and gems. It is a provoking dress, which emphasises the features of her beautiful body. The veil on her head is so light that… it veils nothing: it is an additional charm and nothing else. Her sandals are very expensive ones, of red leather with gold buckles and strips interlaced round her ankles.
Everybody, except Jesus, turns round to look at her. John watches her for a moment, then looks at Jesus. The others stare at her with evident malicious avidity. But the woman does not look at them, neither does she pay attention to the whispering that has arisen at her entrance, or to the winking of the people present, with the exception of Jesus and His disciple. Jesus pretends He has seen nothing. He continues His conversation with the landlord.
The woman goes towards Jesus and kneels down at the feet of the Master. She lays on the floor a little vase, shaped like a pot-bellied amphora, takes off her veil after removin
Jeremy Plank
March 18, 2011
I’m glad you have no regrets, because I still jack to your movies all the time!
Scott Henderson
May 22, 2011
Great work Jennie. This is a new beginning for you. God Bless and wish you the absolute best.
Mike Jackson
February 16, 2012
Money is your motivation.
shane
July 18, 2012
I like what you had to say here girl!