The creation of Penny Flame.
Although I claim to be “finding my voice” I must say, I have always had one. I’ve always spoken through Penny Flame, and the voice that rang out through her was and is mine. As clouded by drugs and booze as it may have been at times, the voice was/is mine and I am proud to claim her as my creation. She has every positive and beautiful quality that I have inside, and if I didn’t have these qualities, there is no way I could ever portray them in her. Dr. Drew even said that Penny is a great chick, a phenomenal character, but she is just a character, and the movie she starred in has ended. At no point in my life will I ever regret being in pornography, because without it, I would be on an entirely different path, and in actuality, I am more than grateful to be on the path I reside. A recovering pornstar and addict.
I’ve had some comments asking whether or not I still want people watching my films. And the answer is yes. Of course I do. In fact I finally launched http://www.PennyFlame.com, and I am not ashamed of being a pornstar, albeit a recovering one. I am not ashamed of anything I have done on film, because at the times I did them, I made adult making adult decisions. I am entirely accountable for my actions, and at no point will I ever say “Porn Made Me Do It.” If I were to get online (or anywhere for that matter) and claim that pornography has created the monster that I feel lurking inside, I would be a hypocrite and a sham.
What has been bothering me is the thought that other people may think I’ve hopped on the God Squad with overzealous Shelly Lubben, who is in no way connected with what I am doing here. She is not someone that I aspire to be, because truth be told, Penny Flame is a bad bitch and one hot chick I want in my corner. At no point in my life will I ever pull a Jenna and bite the hand that feeds me, and has fed me for 8 glorious years. I loved doing porn, love watching porn, and think it is a great industry for people that can handle it. I just can’t anymore. To an extent. Which is why I’ve started down a new path.
What bothers me even more is the fact that I’m trippin off what other people think. Why the fuck do I care what some asshole on a forum says about me? Why the fuck do I worry about people thinking I’ve turned to the Christian Right movement, which I obviously haven’t. I mean, I can’t even say God in the serenity prayer in AA. I replace it with the word gravity. Gravity is my higher power. It is stronger than me and certainly more consistent. Occasionally I mix it in with Buddha. Buddha, grant me the Serenity. Even Love. Love is my higher power. But the G word has always wigged me out, especially the fundamentalist nonsense that Shelly spews. The revelations I am experiencing have nothing to do with God, or crazy Shelly, they have to do with ME. And only ME. And maybe gravity.
There are so many positive things that have come from my career in adult, the massive amount of support and friends being first and foremost. These are the people that will help me create a new life, and figure out who Jennie is. Because even though there are times when I can’t see who I am, the wonderful people around me always have, regardless of the name I’ve chosen to use.
The amount of people I’ve been able to reach through this career is remarkable. I’ve had men come to me saying I was the only one there for them on their loneliest night. Had couples thank me profusely for a scene I participated in that they really connected over. I’ve taught classes on handjobs and blowjobs and had people thank me for making them feel special by handing them a baby wipe. When I would dance, guys would drive hours to come see me, and be so nervous they would shake, and it was my pleasure to sit with them all night just talking, because I care. There are so many aspects of being a pornstar that I love, and will continue to love because they are such a huge part of Jennie, and it is that reason that makes it so hard for me to separate myself from Penny Flame. Because I want to be able to touch people as Jennie, and only Jennie, too. And that is what I’m trying to do here.
This blog isn’t about quitting porn and renouncing it, or condemning it. Its a great industry and makes many many people happy, pays many folks bills, and makes tons of lonely people feel not so alone.
This issue at hand for me has never been porn. It hasn’t even been sex. The issue at hand, and with sex addiction, is intimacy.Sex Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder, a disorder I’ve suffered from since a young age. Sex is simply a means of acting out. I can’t connect with people on an intimate level, regardless of whether or not I am fucking them, and this is a problem. Every single person in my life knows only the surface, the small amount of emotion that I allow to push through, and most the time I only allow it to show because I have to act human in order to be accepted. I’ve confused intimacy with intensity, and therein lies the problem. Porn didn’t make me like this. It made sense for me to do porn because the way I AM, it made showing up on set and fucking someone who’s real name never crossed my lips easy as pie, but I cared less about guys before I started fucking them on film. I am tired of being that way, of being emotionally bankrupt because of me, and that is why I am making these changes.
Just because I am making changes, does not make me ashamed of the life I’ve led. Just because I no longer wish to perform does not mean I want the entire industry to die, or kick rocks. This has been an amazing career for me, and I would recommend being a pornstar to anyone that can momentarily put aside the need to be intimate, and then pick it back up and go on with life. You can make yourself a little nest egg and live pretty (well you used to be able to but the economic state of the biz is so so). But I’d also recommend they quit the moment they can’t pick that emotion back up, the moment intimate becomes a foreign word. And that is what I am doing now. Putting my career down to figure out what intimate actually means. As it turns out, I never knew.
But that has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with finding me. With Becoming Jennie.
Becoming Jennie 
darkblack
May 5, 2009
‘It has to do with finding me.’
And that’s the cool part. Blessings on your path.
Epiplepic
May 5, 2009
Hey, I followed this link from Fleshbot. Went looking for naked pictures one evening and found the struggles and ruminations of a thinking, feeling person. It’s only porn, as long as everything isn’t porn, as long as there’s still room for everything else.
Pete
May 5, 2009
Jennie–
This entire blog is one of the most eloquent and moving expressions of human growth and progress I’ve ever seen.
I’m positively inspired.
Electromagnetism
May 5, 2009
Gravity? Hah! I love it! Some people (like Carl Sagan, the “billions and billions of stars” guy) think of god as the laws of physics. But why not just one? Why not just Gravity, the most mysterious of all forces, just as strange across the universe as at the center of a black hole, mathematically beautiful, obvious but unexpected. Gravity is Time. Gravity is Space.
Ah. I feel Him tugging at my eyelids. Must … obey …
PSSuperstars
May 5, 2009
This post speaks volumes.. and I think helps people who were worried that you may have been being brainwashed by them for the love of going mainstream.
Good luck! and keep rocking!
FL
May 5, 2009
Penny was nice to look at from a distance, but after reading your blog, i already like Jennie more. Now start liking yourself too.
/your fellow addict in Sweden
Bill
May 5, 2009
Hey Jennie,
I’ve never met Shelley Lubben . But I know of her. Her heart is in the right place. And she really seems to care about people, especially gals in the porn industry. Please don’t be too hard on her. Gravity, Buddha — whatever you want to call it. In fact, call it Karma. I believe that whatever you dish out to people comes back to you. Give kindness, get kindness. Give anger, get anger. Granted, it’s not always a perfect exchange, this for that. But, in general, I’ve found that the more accepting and compassionate I am (a very Buddhist concept), the more others are that way with me.
You want people to love Jennie Ketcham. You want to be understood. And accepted. And appreciated for who you are.
I’ll bet Shelley Lubben wants the same for herself.
Just a thought.
Have a great day, Jennie!
Cheers,
Bill
P.S. Don’t worry about what others think of you. They don’t know you personally. Remember: Just be Jennie. Don’t hinge your happiness on what others say or do. So let the forum posters post! 🙂
tightlockup
May 5, 2009
It’s not porn. Lots of people who aren’t pornstars are sex addicts.
I’ve seen a lot of your work, mostly on Kink. You were very good at what you were doing. Sometimes pornstars can seem like mindless automatons, just going through the motions. Not you. It seems as if subconsciously Jennie was not going to let it happen.
People who watch porn aren’t always uncaring unfeeling bums. I always hoped that the people I watched genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and weren’t affected negatively by it, but I guess that’s a head-in-the-sand way to look at it
Have a great day Jennie!
Paul
May 5, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Please know that at least some people support you fully and nonjudgementally. Be well on your journey and please ignore the jerks out there. There are plenty who want you for their own agenda or prefer you a one-dimensional object. But there are those of us who wish you well as you regardless of where this takes you.
Best of luck and much love
Tomek
May 5, 2009
hey Jennie!!
nice blog… i think that you should say Shalley that she need to remove her text about you from her blog… but anyway, you sohuldnt be so angry of her…
best Regards Jennie!!
Tomek
Laura
May 5, 2009
Jennie, this is a great post, and I look forward to reading more of your blog in the future. I think it’s important to know the reasons why you are getting into the adult industry, but no one really talks about why they got OUT. I think it’s just assumed that it was because you “couldn’t handle it” anymore, as if it’s a matter of being tough. It’s interesting to hear from someone who has been there that it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s the intimacy, and to hear you say that this has been a problem all your life, not something that was “brought on” by your adult film performances; seems like a bit of a chicken-or-egg question, anyway.
I wish you the best of luck in finding yourself, and in making yourself emotionally available to those who deserve it.
mattb
May 5, 2009
we were in the pink pony south the first time you told me your real name. and you told me i couldn’t use it. now i can 🙂 you are an intricate and complex person, i wish you the best of luck re-finding you 🙂 please stay in touch!
mb
Ingrid Nevin
May 5, 2009
You sound absolutely amazing and very self-aware.
I could only with you luck on your journey.
I am mistrustful of the concept of sex addiction precisely because there are often underlying issues it masks that may not get addressed. But it sounds like you know what those are – which means you are on your way to solving them.
I would also highly recommend this article since at the very least, it’s thought provoking:
http://www.sexed.org/archive/article08.html
Rob E.
May 5, 2009
I look forward to the day when Jennie is bigger than Penny Flame. Oh wait. She already is. Porn’s loss, your gain. Congrats and good luck!
rob @ CHERI Magazine
Lux
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
Thanks so much for writing this. It’s really refreshing to hear someone talk about leaving porn without denouncing the industry–and though I’ll miss seeing you perform, I have no doubt that you’re making the right choice for you, and I fully support you doing what makes you happy.
For what it’s worth: the things that made you one of my favorite performers were far more about your kindness and intelligence, and the fact that you always struck me as a really sweet, fun, awesome girl–one who I really enjoyed meeting in Vegas in January, by the way.
If you ever need anything, I’ll always be happy to help out.
~Lux
CORRY
May 5, 2009
I am so happy for you as much as people will miss your films and the pennyflame character it’s more important for you to get better.Please keep your sense of humor and if you need anything please email me.I loved Penny Flame but I’m starting to like JENNIE better.
Johnny
May 5, 2009
Wow. It takes a lot to do what you are doing and I believe that it’s a direct reflection of your personality. You seem like a very complex yet intelligent person. I would love more than anything to be able to sit down with you and just have a conversation.
Best of luck in your new ventures!
-johnny
Mark Kernes
May 5, 2009
Dear Jenny,
I always knew Penny Flame was well-spoken … but Jenny Ketcham is positively eloquent!
I hope your new path takes you to bright, happy places because I think you’ve got the guts and determination to make the good things happen.
dave
May 5, 2009
“Life’s Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting “Holy Crap…What a Ride!”
Jenny, so you lived on the wild side for a while. You were an actress playing a role. You think you were typecast. It happens. You were damn good at what you did; you can be just as good in your next endeavor, whatever that might be.
Now you’re starting a new phase. Go with the flow. You’ll find your way. You just got a little late start.
Thank Goodness that you didn’t end up in the headlines like Shauna Grant.
tim
May 5, 2009
Great to hear of your choice. The question I suppose is what sort of person could learn to be intimate with someone with your past?
Valmont1978
May 5, 2009
I’m seriously supportive of your decisions to move down a different path Jennie. But as the creator of the BLAZED AND CONFUSED trilogy I just hope you aren’t all of the sudden against marijuana.
I understand you may be a recovering addict from it. And if so I indeed wish you a speedy recovery and a more positive life. As essentially harmless as the plant is, it IS possible to get addicted to it, based on personality and the way it makes you feel. It is rare but it is also a reality.
In the legalization movement, you tend to be a big name, and I know that NORML and other groups would hate to lose your support.
Gravity Bless You!
-Mat
Andy
March 10, 2013
Ok. I just read an article that says you direct porn. I previously read that you were not going to make money from porn, especial as an actor. That is what others have said. Said about you.
Now in YouTube you have yourself said you are no longer in porn. I also read that you are now proud of the porn you did. That you did, but that’s Penny Flame in porn videos you’ve said. You are complicated. I can’t follow your blog because I thought you were leaving porn. That is how you are advertized.
Your heart is in it- the porn. You haven’t stopped being Penny inside. Penny is pretty and witty. Jennie, why not be all that and quit looking behind you. Porn and hollywood are not very valuable and make a ton of money. So what? Porn didn’t exist until the camera was invented.
TV is for lazy people. But you write books. And you quit alcohol. Im a complex guy. I’ve had a similiar life. But the movies I’ve made are private. Sex sells itself. It never needed you.
You don’t need a legacy like Penny. Very beautiful girl, Penny. Sex is awesome. People should be as creative as a porn star. Porn exists because life is boring and sex is boring and eroticism taboo. In a world where you can do anything? I accel… by NOT being on TV. I dont want people watching me. I get hit on by women while I have a ring on. Its a dog planet.
Best wishes to you. You are cute, yeah? Haha, oh yeah. My woman is hotter. Penny is 2D. My woman is 99°F and I keep her guessing. Penny can’t kiss people. To me it has to be real, or zero thrill.
Salud
Jono
May 5, 2009
I’m a reader of the old “myhotmess” blog, just dropped in today to check in the old girl. And “oh my, Jennie is mindblowing awesome. So much more that Penny couldn’t show.”
Awesome reading of wonderful writing. Always knew there was something under Penny; some people can paint, but Jennie does some much more.
If for whatever reason I ever meet you Jennie in person, I’d have no idea how I’d react?? Should I ask you for an autograph? Signed as Penny Flame or as Jennie Ketcham? Or just a handshake, a few quiet words of thanks, and silent admiration of the beauty of this fine lady.
Happy writing Jen.
Andy
May 5, 2009
Yes I always thought you were one of the ones who seemed to genuinely enjoy the fucking you were doing in your scenes, and that’s why you were the best. Very well-articulated post on what you’re going through. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.
MalzyWheels
May 5, 2009
My beloved grandfather used to say that there was “no substitute for brains.” From reading your blog there is no doubt in my mind that you have an abundance of brains and talent, both of which will serve you well in your new journey. I am so glad you were able to look in at yourself, through your problems, to see that there was a better way through life. Not many people are ever that wise.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
Malzy
Bill
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I don’t mean to poop on Mat’s parade. But I’m amazed he appears more concerned with his BLAZED AND CONFUSED film series and your support of NORML than he is with your recovery from addictions.
Maybe it’s just me. But that strikes me as callous and self serving. Perhaps that’s just my take on his reply. He’s probably a swell chap.
Cheers,
Bill
Jo Col
May 5, 2009
Jennie
Andy
May 5, 2009
“When I would dance, guys would drive hours to come see me, and be so nervous they would shake, and it was my pleasure to sit with them all night just talking, because I care.”
—sounds like you’re not so bad at intimacy.
Gila
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
I agree with your and Dr. Drew’s assessment of Penny Flame. What made her one of my favorite women in porn was her spirit, her boldness, and how in a business that can sometimes me so sleazy, she remained an independent, feminine force. These are not qualities exclusive to Penny- I’ve read every entry on your new blog, and they must have come from you, from Jennie. You want to touch people as Jennie K. instead of her alter-ego. Well you have touched this reader right here, as your own self.
Good luck,
G.
AbulletAway
May 5, 2009
I just read on thread on our forum about you leaving the industry. I followed the link to your blog here and read your post. I had to comment.
We met once several years ago at a Vegas show. You were signing photos, you saw my medium pimpin t-shirt and asked for one. I ran and got you one. You were so nice and friendly. I had always wanted to know you better and never got the chance. You have always struck me as a class act and a terribly fun person to be around.
After reading your blog, I see I was right. I hope you find what you are looking for. I know this industry will miss you but sometimes we just need to take care of ourselves. Good luck with that and I hope you keep up with the blog.
Yours,
Erik aka AbulletAway…
Drew
May 5, 2009
Dear Jenny,
Porn didn’t make you do it. You’re right. We make our own choices. You are a spiritual being and the lie you were living – of being someone you are not, and the lie you were doing – sex with someone you are not married to, would never reconcile with the truth of the matter. That truth is this – you were created for an authentic, intimate, healthy relationship. You know this inside and you know this inside. Because you are honest, you couldn’t live the lie any longer. You can’t even say God? Why? You are on the right path precisely because God hasn’t ever abandoned you. You have been brave enough to follow your heart. The biggest adventure is still ahead. Be encouraged and listen when you pray. You will be made complete and your wounds will certainly be healed. You’ve never been alone the way you think.
tankman13
June 16, 2011
I have to agree with the above poster…
Maybe you don’t know it yet, but God is working in your life.
I’m going to do something that i have been flamed for doing before, but what the hey?
I’ll pray for your continued sobriety and to feel the love of God as well as the intimacy in your life.
J$TYLE$
May 5, 2009
Jennie,
Nothing but love here. You are an incredibly fun, intelligent, creative individual. Take life one day at a time and enjoy what you can. Find the real Jennie you seek – and I’m sure you’ll find happiness too.
All the best!
J$
jb Harley
May 5, 2009
Although I will miss your performances, I am much happier that you are doing what YOU need to do! Good for you Jennie. Good luck!
Asthmattic
May 5, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Thanks for sharing your new journey with us. Looking forward to seeing each step you take in your new direction.
Nice to meet you, btw.
Tophe
May 5, 2009
Life is a funny thing. There are no concrete answers.
Finding that balance between having some tangible direction in life (connect) and relying upon an
unyielding certainty (disconnect) is a big task for all of us.
I can’t write to you as a fan of your work, but I can write to you as someone that’s interested in your desire to open up this period of transition to the greater public.
Be well.
Roger
May 5, 2009
Welcome back, Jennie!
We’ve never met, and we aren’t likely to, but it just seems like something you should hear to celebrate your rediscovering yourself. So, on behalf of the world at large, welcome back, Jennie!
I first discovered this blog last night, and I was stunned by what I saw. I’ve seen some of Penny’s stills work in the past and enjoyed them, but never any videos or live appearances, and I can’t really say I’ve followed her career in particular. Then I read the blog and here’s Jennie instead – an intelligent, honest, witty woman with excellent writing and expression skills. Here’s someone with real heart, and real hurts, working through them as best she can. It made my night, really! It’s so refreshing to see someone who’s as beautiful on the inside as on the outside. Thank you for being you, Jennie!
I’m just amazed at your level of your self-awareness. I think you already know who you are better than you might admit, even if you don’t know entirely how to “be” Jennie yet. But that’s an excellent foundation you’ve got to build on. You’ll do great!
It took a lot of strength to wear the Penny mask for so long, and even more to break up with her. Now in your most recent post it sounds like you’re planning to “just be friends” with her… wow. That can’t be an easy road – I truly admire your courage!
Finally, thank you for not going all “god squad” or “porn made me do it” as so many others have. In my opinion, those are only crutches just as surely as the alcoholism, drug abuse, or sex addiction are. They’re ways to escape being who you are, and avoid taking responsibility for your own decisions. I’m thrilled to read that you’re following your own path, and trying to rebuild yourself on who you really are, rather than someone else’s idea of who you should be. I know you can do it.
After reading just a handful of blog posts, I’m already a bigger fan of Jennie than I was of Penny, and I’m wishing you all the best. Go get ’em, girl!
tom
May 6, 2009
I only ever commented on your older forum once. I’m not a big comment person, but I love to read.
I had to tell you, and I hope you read this, because I’ve been where you are, although I was not famous.
No matter how much you think your voice was ‘penny’ your heart was always Jennie. ALWAYS.
Below, the wild, courageous, bold, silly personality your heart was always guiding things. Before you say that I am full of shit and making shit up, it’s true.
I’ve learned aeons about how my heart was really there even though I was being someone else.
You are loved. People love the real you. People love Jennie. You should not worry or fear that people will like Jennie. I’m confident they always have.
I really hope you read this and maybe take a second to think about what I say.
I am very proud of you, and I am sending all of my positive energy out to you, because love is beautiful and so are you.
This is an amazing journey you are on and I am in your corner. For me this is not about your former career, I have never really seen that much of it to constitute being familiar with your filmography.
Beautiful days are ahead of you, and each one you will discover and love and love yourself so much more.
If you ever need anything, I’ve got your back. I’ve journeyed down your road and walked the same path and I am grateful for all of the good karma and beauty and love I’ve discovered in the years since I made the decision you have.
You are AWESOME x1000.
Good for you! Congratulations!
Peace and love,
Tom
thebluecan
May 6, 2009
Jennie,
Great site! Looking forward to reading your updates. Just keep being honest. That’s all anyone can ask of you.
And keep laughin.
tom
May 6, 2009
P.S.
I was a seriously serious raging alcoholic for years.
Love,
Tom
Ben
May 6, 2009
Damn. I’m seriously speechless. I am sending good thoughts your way, Jennie.
Brian
May 6, 2009
Jennie,
Thanks for all that you’ve given us of yourself. I look forward to following along on this blog as you continue to improve your life, and I wish you the best of luck. Your personality shined through in every performance and made you stand above the rest, and I have no doubt that that same personality will give you the strength you need in this new endeavor. You’re one of my favorites, but while I’m sad to see you go I’m also glad to see that you’re going on your own terms and taking charge of your life.
Gravity bless,
Brian
wilton aka boyblind
May 6, 2009
jennie-i have just read your blogs and i am so proud of you-i wish u all the best i am intested in you the person not the one in porn i wanted to get to know u. I wish u all the best and jennie u will always be in my heart.
boyblind442
May 6, 2009
jennie-you are wonderful i am glad i met u through metro and i wish u all the best.
PAR
May 6, 2009
Jennie…
I’m pleased to meet you…
I’ve met Penny a few times… But From your Post/Blog I have to say that I am happy to see this side of you.
I wont wish you luck because I really don’t think you need it. I think you will do just fine.
Please do keep up the art and the writing…
Jason
May 6, 2009
Hello Jennie.
I am currently working on a project to feature porn in both a positive and negative light. Can you please email me back at jasonbryan@spamarrest.com I would really like to interview you!
Thank you very much,
– J
matchmaker
May 6, 2009
Hey Jennie! I’m matchmaker from ADT. I read on ADT that you left porn. I read some of your blogs just now. Just wanted to say that I wish you luck with finding out who you are and what you want in life. Don’t worry about not having sex for a year. I’ve gone longer than that (mixture of voluntarily and not voluntarily). 😉 Since you can’t have sex for a year, maybe you could use the year to figure out what you sexually like through masturbation. That way, you’d get to know yourself better sexually and when it comes time where you’re ready to have sex again, it would be more enjoyable. Even though I’ve never met you (except for knowing you from ADT and e-mailing you a couple of times), I always sensed that you’re a good person and someone cool to hang around with. I’m usually able to sense that about people.
Once again, good luck with everything.
matchmaker
KB
May 6, 2009
I love you girl!
The site is great, and it’s really getting some traction huh?
I think you have a wonderful forum here, and I love the name of your blog
:-))
Regards,
Kevin
metin
May 6, 2009
Hi Penny,
was that your artwork on yr blog site? Very cool.I’m an artist working in London and would love to share/exchange some paintings with you.So if your interested and have time please e-mail me 😉
If not go be creative……its wonderful.
best wishes
metin
Mike D
May 7, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Penny’s right, “porn made me do it” is limp. But Penny’s just a persona, right? Or perhaps not. Either way it doesn’t matter that much.
I’ve lived a lot of my life through multiple personas, some I acknowledged as such, gave them names nad stuff; other times I’ve just flitted from one to another depending on the circulmstancs or company I’m in. But underneath I guess they were all, in some sense “me”.
So it doesn’t matter that we give names to our personas or not. The substantive point is that we’re all much more complex than rationalist ideas about individual free will would have us believe: the kind of ideas about us being free agents that, for instance, underpin the US constitution; free market economics; the idea of sanity and reasonablness that our in our legal system; the idea that fucked up young girls from broken homes high on drugs as they’re fucked up the arse are “concenting adults”, so therefore it’s okay.
The point I’m making is that we are all fucked up, not because porn (or alcohol, or drugs, or society or whatever) “made me do it”, but because being divided up like this is part of our existential condition, a large part of what it is to be a human being. Thus, in my view at least, humanity, all of it, is broken and in need of healing.
A friend I dearly loved got into hard drugs and street prostitution; she was dead before she was 20. She had a street persona, hard, sassy, streetwise, take no prisoners, a “concenting adult” (just about); a bit like Penny, in fact.
But underneath that persona “Chantelle”,there was the real her, in so far as any of us are the real anything, was someone quite different: a very sensitive person, very loving and giving, caring, polite and well-spoken; and oddly enough, considering how she fed her addictions, quite shy.
Reading Penny I think of her, about the way Penny is full of shit the way Chantelle was; the way the person struggling go come out of a closet full of personae is always more real, more interesting, more vivid, more mutli-faceted and, for that matter, more sexy.
So Penny says that she was there for people “on their lonliest nights”, so did Chantelle, but all the time she was locking them and herself into a loneliness and sexual solipsism that it was almost impossible to escape.
Penny muses about all the good she’s done “teaching blowjobs and handjobs”. Teaching? Well, unless I’ve missed out on some out-of-this-world BJs (which, I admit, is a possibility), it’s not as if Penny was teaching folks Manderin Chinese or how to fly a jetplane, is it?
And if guys drove miles all of a jitter just to see Penny dance, ll that shows is the extent to which porn prevented them from getting a life (or even a girlfriend). Guys twice, three times her age, drove miles all of a jitter for a sordid ten minutes or so with Chantelle, then went back to their wives and kids all sheepish, while she took another fix.
So there you have it: Penny is a flat, one-dimesional character, a stereotype, in fact; Jennie is a glittering multi-faceted diamond, a truly rounded character (I use the adjective inthe technical sense to denote full characterisation!); Jennie is a full human being, full of fascinating conflicts and contradictions.
I quote Jenny against Penny:
“Penny Flame was never free. But I suppose she wasn’t. There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment. There is nothing free in playing a character that isn’t you. There is nothing free about being someone other than the person you are.”
I love confessional literature (and what you and Penny write is quite close to literature). Long may Jennie continue to grow, heal, come-into-being, and self-reveal!
vtx1300s
May 7, 2009
My Dearest – we met in January in Vegas and I told you how much I admired and loved your writing. Evidence is again here in these writings. No matter what life path you choose, you have a gift in the art of written communication and maybe you might find solace in that. We all have our crosses to bear and many think theirs are worse than others, but in reality they are all hard to bear in their own right. You know that you have people that will be there for support, even when you don’t know them personally. You’ll find a path and you’ll walk it for as long as you need it.
Gary
May 7, 2009
OK so as long as you are doing want you want to do & being who you want to be then everything is cool. Be yourself & if your ever over in england & fancy a coffee, then mail me.
Enjoy who you are Jennie & the best of luck
iscariot
May 9, 2009
Jennie, two quotes for you:
One from Nietzsche:
“Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.”
… and one from Camus:
“If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.”
No regrets only moving forward, with love, passion and desire.
robert
May 9, 2009
My name is Robert and I’m also an addict.
Stay strong hun. Penny was an entertainer, but Jennie is real. Who remembers the first strong man they saw at a circus? Or the really flexible girl in the box? Yet I can still remember my first kiss from a girl named Stacy F almost 30 yrs ago.
Someone you touched upon b4 penny, can still remember you that way. My sister was in porn for a breif stint as were some of her freinds that i knew b4. I dont think of them by their pro personas. I’m sure Betty Mae Paige wasnt thought of as the “Notorius Bettie” by her real freinds and family. She passed away happy and quietly just this last december (RIP).
You dont need god or children to find your strenght those are mostly crutches. George Carlin once said he worships the sun and prays to Joe Pesci. He gets the same results as when he was a devote catholic. And besides Joe stopped that noisy neighbor after jusy one request. lol.
Gravity is a constant force you dont need to belive in it to know its there. I dont have kids but my friends and cousins do, and they’re always happy to see uncle rob. They say memories fade but so do videos and dvds. Websites can crash, and who knows what new “obsenity” laws will hit the net. Nothing is permenant. Cliffsides crumble a little every year.
Take the time for you. Dont rush. Lets take it one day at a time. I believe you can do it. I’ll be following on twitter. Good luck and love, Rob
Marko
May 14, 2009
Hi Jennie.
My name is Marko and I’m 21 years old. I can really relate to this blog above. I have similar problems I also seem to lack emotions and when I show it they are often fake. I also don’t really know who I really am and I feel like I’m hiding behind a mask. I don’t know when the mask is off or on anymore and what is really me. I wish you the best and hope you get better emotionally. Your blog is truly beautiful. Marko
Hasan
May 21, 2009
Brave
But did you think geeply of your deeds sweet girl?
you are very beautiful
Neil
May 26, 2009
Jennie –
First off, I’ve been a HUGE fan of Penny Flame for the last several years – you were far and away the best, most interesting and most exciting woman in porn, so thank you for many wonderful nights…
More importantly, I applaud you for the strength of character to recognize something within yourself that you need to address, and being willing to do what it takes to seize control of your life. That can be an amazingly difficult thing. But when you finally look inward, and realize you have a problem, and reach out for help – it’s amazing how you can transform yourself.
I have no doubt you will find your path; this is simply the next chapter of life – one hopefully filled with beauty and hope. Good luck, and may a totally non-fundamentalist, all-loving and all-forgiving God be with you. 🙂
mrnngg
May 30, 2009
Jennie,
I think you have a tremendous voice. I stumbled across your blog by accident but incidentally it has become one of my more interesting pieces of reading material.
It seems like finally after a long time you’re able to start really understanding you for you and not your “other character”. I think honestly alot of us have 2 sides. There are days I”m a student and days I feel like going to play poker professionally. Interestingly, the two have coincided when I decided to study gambling as a topic for a paper but that’s for another time.
As for intimacy issues, I’m not really sure how pervasive they are for you but I think a lot of us have them. It’s possible some people are just better developed or can pick up vibes etc./ can just really get into it. Heck, I’m going to a wedding this week where the bride and groom are getting married after virtually 8 years of their lives together from the beginning of university till the end of med school. That’s probably the “classic” model of a so called perfect marriage in the making but who knows right?
The one thing I hate about relationships/intimacy is that there is no exact formula/science to success because the world is such a diverse place. Such that, everything can be perfect and still not work out or paradox ally everything can be horrendous and end up working out better.
Anyways I’ve rambled on enough.
Just wanted to stop by and say I’m glad you found your way and your doing something about it.
Cheers
Ramon
June 2, 2009
Jennie,
I stumbled upon this blog and find it interesting to read your life perspective. You certainly are a uniquely charismatic woman.
I’ve seen several of your scenes and appreciated the intelligence and energy you brought to each one. It is obvious to me that you are a gifted and talented communicator. It showed in your scenes and now in your writing.
My best to you, and continued health and prosperity.
shane
June 14, 2009
Welcome home Jennie…welcome home….
bigfoot
June 19, 2009
Jennie –
Here’s hoping you find the intimacy that has thus far eluded you. I cannot think of a more worthy search for an individual to undertake.
I had it – had it for 20+ years and it was yanked away from me (think of the carpet being pulled out from under your feet). For me, life without intimacy is not worthy of the effort. After several years of depression and wondering if I was worthy, I recently decided that I was. So my search begins anew.
We deserve intimacy – Each of us. And I’ve no doubt that we will both find it in time. Good luck taking that next step!
Trevor
June 27, 2009
Good luck, Jennie.
Dan
July 7, 2009
Lovely.Good luck Jennie 😉
Jennie
July 18, 2009
I’d just like to say I just jacked my cock to you getting skull fucked, and I don’t care what you have to say about anything because you’re a filthy slut.
DS
July 22, 2009
Just found your blog linked from a Real Princess Diaries review and love it. Good luck dealing with this and I’m glad to see you haven’t turn into one of those right wing zombies.
S.
July 26, 2009
Good for you, Jennie!
S.
S.
July 26, 2009
Good for you Jennie!
S.
JP
July 29, 2009
Well thought. I think what you are experiencing is what many other girls in the industry feel…it’s just that you have the ability to articulate it. Porn exploits girls and ruins their feelings. Good luck to you and welcome home.
John
August 10, 2009
christalball
August 14, 2009
wow, Jennie ~ you are doing some great work here. really impressive with your revelations here. you are uncertain, but you are plunging into your recovery with both feet. that’s great what you’ve done about Penny. she’s parts of you, for sure, and i’ve learned that it isn’t healthy to straight 86 something just because it was “the past.” anyhow, it’s good to own parts of our identities, “good or bad.” their purpose my “serve no use,” but it served at one point and may very well serve at another, where you will just be seen as Jennie Ketcham and nothing more or less in the future:^) i have to say that i’m glad you haven’t turned into a “jeebus bitch,” but something told me that you wouldn’t let that happen anyway ~ another reason why i appreciate you;^) i like your Gob substitution. my higher power has been the memory of myself as a confident, stubborn and charismatic little boy ~ one that i have adopted as my inner child. “raising” this inner child has also been a source of higher power in itself…. i’m glad you really identified that intimacy issue. that’s a big one, one that i grapple with as well…. anyway, i never intend on being a Penny Flame fan. i’m getting to be a Jennie Ketcham fan, now:^)
Caepio
August 16, 2009
Hi – I wish you all the luck in the world in your journey. I was always impressed by you in your scenes – not just for the pleasure your brought me, but because it has been exceptionally interesting to watch you, not just your body. It has been like you and the viewer and nobody else is there, the connection was so strong. I would have enjoyed being with you not for the mechanical pleasure but because you are so complex. Ok. Next. We all have difficult times, but you have stepped up and confronted yours eye to eye. That takes real courage and stamina, and I wish you the best. If only there were some way to help, but you have all the strength you need within yourself. Honestly I confess that you’ll probably always remain my greatest sex fantasy, but also someone who is becoming a whole person. And that is what is really sexy. All the very best, Tom
one at a time
August 28, 2009
Jennie-
It’s been a while since you posted this so you may never read it, but I just want to let you know there’s one more soul in the world wishing you well. I’m 9 months clean and they have been incredible, terrible, difficult and amazing. I like the “gravity” thing. I found a book by a guy named Bucky Sinister – you may know it already – that I really liked. Can’t remember the title, but he talks a lot about how to come to deal with the God part of AA. Fertilizer for thought.
And I empathize with the lack of intimacy, the fear of being found out, if you let the act slip for a second. It’s sort of like life as an exercise in Method Acting. You may be brilliant at it but it is still just acting.
I’ll be checking in from time to time to see how you’re doing. Prayer and I don’t travel in the same circles, but I’ll send some good vibes your way. Mahalo.
Charles
October 9, 2009
Jennie,
I met you once. It was a great thrill of mine. It was in Kansas City and you were in town for a weekend. I thought it was great to see you as Penny. But, I have to tell you, Jenie sounds like a tougher and cooler chick than I could ever have imagined. I am so proud of you. I wish you well.
Doug
November 16, 2009
Jennie, I found this on the sex rehab messageboard under inside the mind of a sex addict This guy named Jason sounds just like Shelly Lubben.
http://www.thereisanelephantintheroom.blogspot.com/
I also checked her website and found out a male porn star was murdered I don’t know if you knew him or not.
http://www.shelleylubben.com/
Also there is an internet model named Dawson Miller I dont know if you are familiar with her or not who is now a Shellly Lubben type in fact when I googled Dawson Miller real name I found these links
http://www.newsgab.com/forum/free-all/53810-truth-behind-dawson-miller-so-called-internet-models.html(warning my anti virus software popped up so be careful.)
http://www.outsidebutinporn.com/
Just google Dawson Miller(adult content)
Dawson Miller real name,Dawson Miller truth,Justine Jacobs(Her real name) or Justine Tullier(Her married name. A former internet model who is now a Shelly and Jason type.
btw I heard you had trouble using the name God in your serenity prayer and other things George Wahington and our forefather would usually use the word Providence instead. that is probably how Providence Rhode Island got its name.
I don’t know if they still use that word I don’t use it myself but your blog reminded me if that particular bit of history.
Doug
November 17, 2009
Correction, You may may not want to click on http://www.newsgab.com/forum/free-all/53810-truth-behind-dawson-miller-so-called-internet-models.html as I recommended I couldn’t even see most of the site because I kept getting popups redirects and malware warnings from my anti virus software.
Chris Brown
November 20, 2009
Jennifer,
you & I have never(and likely will never) met, but we have one thing in common with each other: we’re both recovering addicts. I haven’t looked at internet porn for almost 5 months now, & I don’t feel one bit bad about it. I too want to find a meaningful relationship with a woman & realize that one of the ways to make that happen is to distance myself from this addiction I had, am still recovering from, & will continue to recover from until the day I die. I wish you nothing but luck on your new journey in life & I thank you for having the balls to be you, even as you’re trying to distance yourself from the life you lived as “Penny”.
Justin
November 23, 2009
Just started reading your blog after watching a few episodes of Sex Rehab. You seem like a very open, interesting and intelligent person. I just wanted to give you some encouragement in your rejection of fundamentalism and the Christian Right.
I myself grew up in a very fundamentalist/conservative household and it can be extremely damaging. Not as damaging as the complete lack of structure that you had, but still damaging.
I think the key in your recovery will be moving toward moderation, knowledge, thoughtfulness, and rejecting fanaticism and extreme behavior in all its forms. I’ve grown up around people who have become addicted to this fundamentalist idea of God and it skews your view of the world in many unhealthy ways.
Its great to see you recognize that you don’t have to become a crazy Christian in order to recover from these problems. I wish you the best.
clyde
November 27, 2009
You are one very cool chick!
CB
December 24, 2009
I really identified with your post here. As much as you think that you are not allowing intimacy in your life, I feel like I know you because I am you on a certain level.
We (society) have become superficial and judgemental, and that’s what you were hiding from. That’s what I hide from.
I feel alone in the world and that no one can or will understand me on the deep level I yearn for. In a sense I think that is what we all want in life…to be understood without judgement.
I have enjoyed our previous writings and am making my way through your blog entries.
Keep writing. You are a natural at creating art through words.
I realize we will never be friends socially, but your courage to show the world who you are makes me feel more able to identify with others.
I hope you are recieving this gift in return from the responses to your blog entries.
Word Press
December 30, 2009
I’ve enjoyed your movies to the extent I can enjoy porn (the attraction for the viewer is also precisely its emotionlessness, its bloodlessness, it gives so much and no more): but what always attracted me to you — as I’m sure many people — is your talking, which is to say both your way with words and language and the intelligence that came through even in trash talk. So it may turn out in time that the experience helped you discover many things about yourself that had nothing at all to do with sex. Hang in there.
Ama
March 6, 2010
I love this post so much. You’ve articulated your position so well and it’s wonderful to see a person recovering from their problems without cutting off their past as something some other person experienced. Good luck to you and thank you for writing!
Kristen
March 30, 2010
Jennie, your writing is so amazing and honest. Simply said, I’s so glad I found your blog.
Jax
May 3, 2010
To think that you wrote this almost 1 year now is incredible. I saw you in Sex Rehab and Sober House and I just found your blog. It is nice to see that you are doing well. I think you will get what you want and more in life! Thanks for being an inspiration, and I wish you the best of luck in all you!
P.S. Keep on painting. I love your art!
Jax
May 3, 2010
I meant in all you do.
Andreas
May 10, 2010
Thanks Jennie.
I’m a big fan of yours, Jennie or Penny. You’re one inspiring person!
I’m glad you are so open about everything!
I’m happy for you!
It’s nice, for a chance, to hear from an ex-porn star, who did NOT quit due to God-shit or because of bad sides of the industry (hey there’s both GOOD and BAD). I totally get where you’re at! So no matter what, keep strong, smile and you’ll live life to the fullest. You’re doin’ it right now! All the best to you!
kevin
July 7, 2010
Jeremy Plank
March 18, 2011
I’m glad you have no regrets, because I still jack to your movies all the time!
Scott Henderson
May 22, 2011
Great work Jennie. This is a new beginning for you. God Bless and wish you the absolute best.
Mike Jackson
February 16, 2012
Money is your motivation.
shane
July 18, 2012
I like what you had to say here girl!
lornawest
June 29, 2013
sweetie that Shelly woman is insane , insane xxxxxxxxxxxx god love you xxxxxxxxxx ; )
emma
September 25, 2013
I have to tell you, after first scanning your blog, I was concerned that you had become one of the Shelley Lubbenites who are currently cleaning up on the anti porn, religious right and the Andrea Dworkin anti-sex feminists. I am happy to see you are carving out your own path, while it is probably more slow going, but ultimately a far richer experience, I wish you well.
Regards,
Jon
March 31, 2016
Super amazing woman