6/12/09:1:42am
I had dreams last night, scary dreams. Not the kind of nightmares where I am running away from something, which is a reoccurring dream that plagues my sleep, nor is it the dream where I am very angry with someone and try to hit them and can never actually connect my fist to his/her face, last nights sleep was consumed with dreams about sex. Sex with people I don’t want to have sex with, sex with a man whose name I don’t know, whose face I can’t see, whose feeling I can’t feel. It wasn’t a rape, or anything like that, the sex was consensual, it was just anonymous, unnecessary, and lacked the passion and fervor I’ve decided I must have in order to, in my waking life, participate.
Yesterday, well, actually the day before yesterday, Wednesday, because you will be reading this on Friday, reports came out on XBiz and AVN about a performer catching HIV. The story causes great worry in me not only because I was once a performer, but the circumstances surrounding the positive result are so skewed, so vague, and so discombobulated, there lacks the credibility that I desire in order to sleep peacefully. They report she tested positive the 4th, and had worked with a man the 5th and then tested positive AGAIN the 6th. AIM is still awaiting the confirmatory results. This minor little inconsistency freaks me the fuck out. For obvious reasons.
So, I hear that Wednesday, then Thursday, tonight, (I went to a late night meeting and was forwarded a late night link), I hear that there were another 16 unpublicized cases between 2004-present, and THAT terrifies me. Not because I think I have it, lord knows it could show up years down the line and there is no sense in worrying over it until then (i’ll just remain steadfast in my testing and practicing safe sex-when I do have it), but because the pure and simple fact that it went by unnoticed. Unannounced. I understand patient privacy rights, but we sign wavers saying that the results will be released if we test positive and where the fuck are they released if not to the other people we are having sex with? I mean, wouldn’t that make sense? Wouldn’t it make sense to tell the talent there are cases running around them? Scary thoughts.
In one aspect, it reaffirms my decision I made a couple years back to ask Christian to wear a condom. That fucking asshole. If you don’t know the story, I mentioned it once on my previous blog, and don’t really care to rehash it here, but the decision I made was valid and just. And his demand and insistence that “we are not friends if I have to wear a condom to have sex with you” has stuck with me, and every time I’ve seen him I feel sick to my stomach. He is right. We are NOT friends if those are the principles on which our friendship is based. I have a right to worry about my health, just like every performer in the industry. If he doesn’t want to that’s fine, but to put it on me as if I’ve done something wrong by wanting further protection, well that is just wrong. And these 16 unreported cases further my point. I’ve never said it like this, and I’ll only say it once. FUCK. HIM.
I’ve been tested through AIM as long as I’ve been in the business. Every 30 day’s I receive a new test. Kind of like my period. And I have to trust in the hope that everything was/is accurate. But this scare makes me blink. Makes my heart skip a beat. I don’t care if it is a handful of people, or a boatload, this isn’t the kind of shit you take lightly, and it’s not the kind of thing you withhold from the people it directly effects.
I have no doubt that my dreams were in some way related to the scare, to some subconscious worries running in my mind. I’ve read that “sexual dreams are often straightforward representations of desires for other people. Sex in a dream can also signify our need to bond with or gain power over others.” In this dream I was also worried I was pregnant, “a dream of being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of your personality or personal life that is growing and developing, but is not yet ready to be talked about or acted upon. It represents the birth of a new idea, direction or goal.”(smartgirl.org lol). But if you add in the other aspect, the lack of emotion, the unnecessary, perhaps I’ve started to worry that I will not be growing, will not be able to give birth to my new ideas if I am to have meaningless sex, that I do need to truly bond with another before giving that kind of shit up. I’ll eat that answer for dinner, and sit with a full stomach.
And if it wasn’t official before, it certainly is now. I ain’t goin back there….
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-porn-hiv12-2009jun12,0,3569962.story
J
June 12, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I read about this in the news. I always wondered how the adult industry felt so safe with risky sexual behavior with 30 day intervals between tests. I’m assuming that when you work, you shoot many scenes a month, depending on how popular you are. With a 30 day gap, theoretically, hundreds of people could get infected with HIV before anyone knew, not to mention other STDs. I have the understanding that many STDs are not even required to be tested for. Some diseases have a very high incidence in the regular population, such as herpes and HPV, and I don’t know the infection rate in the porn community, but I would assume it would be almost ubiquitous.
I guess what I’m getting at is:
How do you rationalize that the risk is worthwhile? Is it saying the money is worth it? Or is it telling yourself that it could never happen to you? Just curious. I don’t expect you to delve into the subject if you don’t want to.
need4peace
June 12, 2009
Good Morning Jennie,
I’m at a loss for words here. I can see and understand your feelings of being manipulated, and of being betrayed, because you were. Ulitmately, the decision was yours, but it’s not always so easy, so black and white. Pressures no one can understand but you often can make us do things that we later wonder about.
I pray for you. Maybe I’m foolish, but I do. I have done things that I’m now ashamed of. Who isn’t human and hasn’t felt that way? Anger replaces the shame in later years, but that’s even more immobilizing and wrong.
I’m no stranger to nightmares myself. And after learning so much about you on this blog, I wondered how at your tender age you deal.
The “industry” is an uncaring machine. It takes people in, uses them, and discards them like so much trash. And they don’t care about the viewer either. But I won’t go into that as you have enough on your plate as it is.
Resolve Jennie. As someone with a boatload of PTSD, I can spot one a mile away, and that’s one reason (among many) that I listen to you so much.
If you’ll allow me to read between the lines, I’d have to draw the conclusion that you will only stop growing if you don’t continue to rebuild. Like new houses being built. There’s a plan, and sometimes the foundation and frame go up fantastically fast, and then it seems like it is going at a snails pace. But if the workers stick to the plan, then it will get done. To an outsider it seems work has slowed, but to the ‘finish’ carpenters, and painters and plumbers and electricians, it goes at a steady pace. Mistakes are made and corrected and eventually the house becomes a home.
You are similar. Please don’t allow those ‘things’ from the past rent ‘space’ in your head. Or worse yet, be ‘freeloading’ tenants. Toss them out, or ignore them.
You said a while back that you’re a ‘great catch’, and you are. You deserve what ever life you believe you deserve. From my standpoint, you deserve a great life. I’m on your side as well as many here and many who don’t post but read.
Jennie is stronger than Penny, because Jennie made Penny.
My heart is with you. And my thoughts and prayers too. Know there is comfort in words. Write in your journal and ‘lean’ on others if you need to.
It’s easy to say, “Be ok.” it is just a couple of words ,but know there is a heart behind that, and belief that you will be.
Your Friend Victor
.
Jeff
June 12, 2009
Hi Jen,
How can someone test positive on the 4th and be allowed to work on the 5th.
I know you don’t know the answer, but how can that happen.
Surely even if they don’t publicise the results to the world, they should inform the other performers so you have the knowledge to make a decision to work with someone or not.
I read your blog about the guy who wouldn’t wear a condom as you requested, it was a while ago as I remember, last year I think.
It’s a strange attitude to take, because if he was really your friend, he would respect your wishes.
It’s not a subject which is confined to the adult industry, anyone who has more than one sexual partner takes a risk.
If you have unprotected sex with someone, you also have sex with every partner they ever had.
While HIV is the big name everyone gets scared of, Chlamydia has no sympoms and can be passed between people almost un-noticed.
It can make women sterile without any outward signs at all.
We have all had a number of sexual partners in our lives, yet we don’t always practice safe sex.
Even if we do wear a condom with a new partner at first, at some point we decide we are at a stage in a relationship where we feel safe. Yet we forget HIV can take a long time to show up.
Non of us carry a questionnaire about our sexual history for our new partners to fill in.
I don’t know my girlfriends history, because I’d feel strange asking such questions.
Also I saw a TV documentary a while ago, where they said even wearing a condom does not fully protect you as it doesn’t cover everything. Things swing around if you get my meaning.
Scary stuff this sex thing!
Someone, I think it was Victor mentioned Traci Lords yesterday.
Again, I remember seeing a doc about her a few years ago. (I don’t get out much).
But she almost brought the adult industry to an end because as I remember, she was under age when she entered the industry.
Either they didn’t check her birth certificate or she forged it, one or the other.
But she went mainstream, and they showed her film after the documentary. Not a great actress but as far as I’m aware she made the transition.
You know I guess there are many people who look at the “job” of being a pornstar and think it’s a great gig.
Loads of sex, loads of money and the fame and adulation. But this just shows the reality of the risks that are taken in the name of entertainment.
Why does the adult industry resist making wearing condoms a requirement, why does it have to be bareback.
Is bareback sex more exciting to watch?
Great photos of your dog, and a Black Belt cat too, Karate or Judo?
Domo Arigato…Sensei
Jeff
Mike D
June 13, 2009
Jeff:
“How can someone test positive on the 4th and be allowed to work on the 5th.”
Easy enough to understand when you realise that many of the people who “work” in this “industry” are off their head on drugs or booze wen they perform, that many have multiple addictions, are abuse survivors, or psychological complexes that leave them deep in denial about the reality that surrounds them.
As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, someone I loved deeply ended up a heroin addict and a street prostitute and didn’t make it to 20. so many people warned her about what she’d got into, but the power of addiction and denial were too strong, and none of us had the guts or maturity to back up our words with action.
Mike
bearriver
June 12, 2009
That fear wud terrifying to live with for anyone .
Good luck dealing with the angst .
Keep a eye on your health and pratice safe sex .
bearriver
June 12, 2009
BTW will remember you in our prayers tonight , that you are not in any danger and make it thru this great change in your life.
Mike D
June 12, 2009
An interesting post, Jennie, which raises some important issues.
First, regarding dreams, I think they are part of the hidden language of “signs” that we’ve discussed in recent posts. Therefore they should be taken seriously. BTW, I agree with your interpretation of the pregnancy aspect of the dream.
Re the so-called “adult” industry and your anxieties I suppose the very simple message is clearly:
YOU’RE BETTER OFF OUT OF IT!
Although I’d disagree with them on theological points and the manner of their outreach, I would agree with Shelley Lubben and the group of ex-pornstars around her on three points regarding the “adult” industry:
* That pornography is essentially a form of prostitution
* That the “industry” manages to cover up an awful lot of the wreckage it causes in peoples’ lives with regard to HIV/AIDS, other STDs, drug and alcohol addiction, suicide and self-harm
* The industry encourages the idea that what it does is consequence free and everyone involved is having a whale of a time, when in fact it’s consequence-heavy and a lot of people’s lives are a slo-mo car wreck
To this I’d add that porn is a sub-set of the wider 1990s and 2000s culture of easy celebrity that encourages the masses to live their lives vicariously through others. As such it is now getting past it’s sell-by date, as I think a major theme of the C21st will be a renewed seriousness about life and a revived interest in reflection and self-examination.
Practically, re the HIV/STD business, get yourself checked out ASAP by a renowned clinic that is totally unconnected with the “industry”. At least then you can proceed from an informed point-of-view.
See all this as part of a wider process of detoxification that also includes detoxing your body from booze and drugs, and detoxing and healing your recovering mind, soul, and spirit.
Put prayers for your physical health into the prayer routine you have described. Can prayer change something that’s already happened? Yes it can, C.S. Lewis wrote in his 1945 book “Miracles”:
“When praying about the result of, say, a battle or of a medical consultation the thought will often cross our minds (if only we knew it) that the event is already decided one way or the other. I believe this is not good reason for ceasing our prayers. . .
Most of our prayers if fully analysed, ask either for a miracle or for events whose foundation will have to have4 been laid down before I was born, indeed, laid down when the universe began. But to God, though not to me) I and the prayer I make in 1945 were just as much present at the creation of the world as they are now and will be a million years hence. God’s creative act is timeless and timelessly adapted to the ‘free’ elements within it: but this timeless adaptation meets our consciousness as a sequence and the prayer as an answer. . .
Thus, shocking as it may sound, I will conclude that we can at noon become part of causes of an event that occurred at ten a.m. (Some scientists would find this easier than popular thought does.) My free act of praying contributes to the cosmic shape. That contribution is made in eternity ‘before all the worlds’; but my consciouness reaches me at a particular point in the time-series.”
(pp. 291-2)
so pray for your health and well-being, Jennie, physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual.
Follow a holistic health plan. I recommend Dr. Christiane Northrop’s “Womens’ Bodies, Women’s Wisdom: The Complete Guide to Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing”.
My wife used this book very successfully following serious problems she had about 5 years ago (this is the reason the age gap between our two kids is so big, 12 years and 6 months!)
I like the chapter “Feminine Intelligence and a New Mode of Healing”:
“Humans are made out of energy and sustained by energy. Our bodies are ever-changing, dynamic fields of energy, not static physical structures. . .We know from quantum physics that at the sub-atomic level matter matter and energy (which can also be called spirit) are interchangeable. . .We can view our bodies as manifestations of spiritual energy. Our mind and daily thoughts are part of this energy, and they have a well-documented effect on the matter of our bodies.”
And also the chapter “Steps to Healing”:
“For years, I got my patients to find clues to how they were creating their present conditions. . .it is really our vision and hope for the future that heals us and draws us forward. Our cells keep replacing themselves daily, and we create a new body every seven years. So it is not really accurate to say that our pasts are locked in our bodies, though sometimes it seems that way. What is really going on is that the consciousness that is creating our cells is often locked in the past – and that consciousness keeps recreating the same old patterns. If, however, we can change the consciousness that creates our cells, then our cells and our lives improve automatically, because health and joy are our natural state. The easiest way to do this is to imagine your future self in as much detail as you can. Doing this will assist in any healing process you are currently involved in.”
This mind over matter approach is important I think in the case of many different health issues, from cancer and neurological conditions through to STDs, HIV+ status, and whether HIV+ leads to AIDS. Even for everyday things like headaches &ct.
Wishing you health, Jennie, and hoping that “Becoming Jennie” comes to involve every aspect ofg your being, physical, emotional, spiritual, the lot.
Mike
Lance
June 12, 2009
Jennie, I can understand your plight and have one which has a different cause. I ride a Ducati to work almost everyday. I wear all of the gear except riding pants. The good news there is my head and upper body as well as my feet are protected.
The downside literally is my legs from the waist down are ready to be striped of skin in the event of a crash. Many others wear nothing more for protection than a helmet along with tennis shoes, blue jeans and a t shirt.
I can hardly even ask a question about how you could risk your health when my own health is at risk from something I enjoy. Too many people look at others behaviors and think nothing of the risks they themselves take because they are too busy pointing fingers at others.
And Jennie you are indeed growing everyday, so much so that your loyal readers can see it for ourselves. Everyday is just another in the long walk to your great new life. By the time you get there Saucy should be all done going potty.
Have a great day,
Lance
Mike D
June 12, 2009
I practice safe biking: helmet, leathers, boots, back-protector, gloves, &ct.
I had my eyes on a 2nd hand BMW GS 1200 before I went off to Singapore (the bike Ewan McGregor used in “The Long Way round”). When I got back a local Arab guy had bought it, I saw him riding it in a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops. Bareback riding is not fun when you fall off and get your skin grated on the tarmac.
I suppose the thing is to transcend the need for the sort of cheap thrills that bareback anything give one, and connect instead with the inner “you”.
I’ve managed that with some things in life, but I’m still a bit of a petrolhead!
Ade
June 12, 2009
Couldn’t resist replying. As I read this, I’m sipping coffee and getting ready to do my CBT today (that’s Compulsory Basic Training for motorcycles, for those of you in the colonies). I’m anticipating a long and happy life as a Biker because I fully intend to dress appropriately and I drive very safely. I’m terrified of crashing and take great steps to avoid it. I think this throws some light on the old adage “Hope the best. Prepare for the worst”. Considering the nature of Jennie’s post, quite appropriate, huh?
K
June 12, 2009
I read this news also and it made me, too, glad that I am long gone.
I read Christian’s blog at the time that this happened with you, and he neglected to mention the condom bit. I always found him to be reactionary and pig-headed, especially for an obviously intelligent man. I’d always sort of hoped that he would get out of the industry. It uses you up, changes you, makes you coarse. Now, when I hear the crude terms performers use for their own bodies, the bodies of others, I absolutely cringe. It’s fucking dehumanizing.
I like the people at AIM and I do believe they are doing the best they can, but mistakes happen. No one is 100% vigilant, all of the time, and neither are tests perfect instruments. Working in porn is, in my opinion, an assumed risk and one I’m not comfortable taking. I’d love it if condoms were mandated, and workers were given some protection, but I find this very unlikely, ya know? To be in porn is to throw off conventions and insist on doing it your way. Not to mention all the money to be made with the risky acts. Fuck the performers. Performers are just bodies, replaceable.
Shit like this makes me sick, too, Jennie. And grateful for my life now. I am grateful that you also got out, and are sharing your recovery. You deserve love, and tenderness, and to be seen for all of who you are.
Mike D
June 12, 2009
“To be in porn is to throw off conventions and insist on doing it your way. . .”
Yeah mate, so is being a junkie. Tell me about it. This is the big lie, the big con.
Mike D
June 12, 2009
Step back from it and you’ll see it’s all utterly conventional.
AnotherJennie
June 12, 2009
It’s not going to show up years down the line. I really, really hope that the people at AIM didn’t tell you that, because it is medically and scientifically false. The fact that you’re worried about that shows that you were never properly educated about the disease, which is just not right given your (former) line of work.
HIV does NOT hide out in the body — not for any length of time. There is no period of time when it’s dormant, or inactive, or just hanging out. It cannot do this, because it needs to make copies of itself in order to “live”, it has to get down to the business of using host cells to replicate itself. The virus starts using the immune system to do this as soon as it gets in the body. The window period for testing has to do with the threshold at which the different types of tests can detect the signatures of the virus (either antibodies or genetic material), it doesn’t mean that the virus is hiding (again, it can’t do this, it doesn’t have the “machinery” to do so).
If you have a clean test, what determines whether or not you become positive at a later date is what your behavior is. That means that if someone has a clean test, that test result is void as soon as they engage in risky behavior again. People don’t magically become positive if they don’t engage in risky behavior.
If your last tests were negative, and you haven’t been at risk (having membrane exposure to the blood or sexual fluids of a person of unknown HIV status) since the last tests, then the virus is not in your body. If you need verification of this, look up a local organization that specializes in HIV testing (other than AIM, I mean) and give them a call. Let them educate you about what the testing window period means relative to your risk behavior.
It’s understandable that you are feeling sensitive about this, it will probably take some time for that to go away. But I encourage you to confront this fear with the facts and not whatever you may be hearing from industry people. They may be trying to be helpful, but there’s too much rumor and false information mixed in.
Matt
June 12, 2009
You’re a survivor.
Dan
June 12, 2009
Looks like you got out right on time.
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-porn-hiv12-2009jun12,0,3569962.story
Dan
June 12, 2009
I have nightmares about smoking pot and doing lines.
Ade
June 12, 2009
Looks like you’ve recieved some excellent advice here. I’d like to add that the dreams you’ve been having are possibly the result of your mind beginning to form new patterns of thought (and therefore behavior) as the change you’re working towards (or through, depending how you look at it) starts to take effect. Stick with the way you’re going and stay strong. Cliches I know, but this is progress happening right inside your mind.
I think I can safely speak for everyone when I say that we, the Commenters, are right here with you.
Craig
June 13, 2009
I had a nightmare that Bree was a giant bumble bee, and she busted in my room with a big butcher knife and right when she was about to stab me I woke up in a sweat. I’m not trying to be funny that shit was vivid, scary real and unexpected, maybe you could interpret that one for me and get back to me. This was after I decided to go to her birthday party in Ft Wayne, where my ass yelled Bree’s name, what posessed me to do so…..weed, adreniline,who knows, completely out of charactor. long story. Maybe you heard it, give her a call get the scoop. Read my blog, were friends on myspace. I had two other super real dreams about her 2 weeks before. More than I can type. The whole situation hurts my brain. On another note, std’s are scary and had I not had such a big fear of them I’d have been fucking much sooner in life. My senior year blood drive they reported 13 % tested + for some type. That was15 years ago. Throwing caution to the wind is not wise, some people are to risky and liars and just dont care.It is rude in my opinion to not want to be someones friend beause there looking out for their own best interests.
Orpheus
June 13, 2009
I haven’t read through all of the comments yet. So, forgive me if I repeat anything anyone else has said.
On the dream thing, one theory I’ve heard is that every person in our dreams represents ourselves. Maybe the dream was an expression of your struggle to reconcile Jennie and Penny into a whole person.
For me, it sucks to think about the fact that my “addict” will never be truly gone. He’s not separate from me. It’s just a part of my whole person. I think the only way for me to find true serenity is for my “healthy” and my “addictive” sides to somehow mesh to produce a “me” that fully accepts all of who I am. That’s the child I’m hopping comes out of this bizzar fuck-fest that is recovery.
BTW, can’t wait to meet you next week!!
Jacq Jones
June 13, 2009
thanks for bringing this issue up.
i’ve been thinking about it alot – as a current purveyor of porn, and as a person who worked for years doing HIV testing and counseling. and ran a medical clinic.
i’ve accepted it when people i know who work in the industry made the decision to work. but i think it’s time to make condoms mandatory. it’s just too big of a chance to take.
i wrote about it – alot. on my blog.
http://tinyurl.com/kwkp7a
take care hon. i know you’re scared, but if you have been tested every 30 days, and you haven’t been engaging in any sexual activity – your most recent test was right. you’re negative.
sex is powerful. which means in addition to all of the lovely things it can be – intimate, fun, soul touching. it can also be dangerous. and you are changing your relationship to this part of your life. don’t forget it’s a process. you are where you should be today.
take care
Will
June 13, 2009
Would AIMS announce positive results (HIV) if the person tested wasn’t a performer, just someone wanting a quick turnaround on a STD test?