Part of my recovery, aside from going to therapy and attending meetings of a 12-step orientation, is to find all the people I’ve hurt with my behavior in addiction and make right, where and if possible. This task has been looming above me for almost 8 months, the possibility I’d see the men from my life I’d run from almost entirely consuming my thoughts, my heart. I’ve had dreams of them since I ran, each one returning to me in the night when my ego is asleep, or perhaps wide awake, and reminding me of just how much I hurt them, or the terrible ways I left. Because that’s what I do. I run.
Every time I go to therapy, I have to check in with Beans. Hi my name is Jennie, I’m a sex addict and an alcoholic. I use drugs, men, women, places and things to numb the feelings inside. I run from anything resembling intimacy. I masturbate compulsively as well as cheat. This check in is something I’ve been doing since May, and the cheating thing is something I just added on. It never occurred to me that cheating would be part of the addictive behavior. My attempt at distancing myself from intimacy. My feeble effort to sabotage any true connection. The nature of my addictive and offending behavior is always followed with someone I’ve hurt through my life as an addict. Because I’ve been going to therapy for over 8 months, at first twice a week and now down to once, I felt as though I was running out of people I’d hurt~ which felt nice. Truth of the matter surfaced the other day in a conversation with one of the few x-boyfriends still in my life.
He reminded me of something I did, and it’s not that he even really reminded me. It’s that he told me. And I had no recollection of the incident. At all.
I spent the afternoon trying to piece back together the blips of memory I have from this time in my life, but between my black out drinking and ability to misfile memories, found it hard to even remember how long I was out for, how long the vacation in Vegas lasted (shoulda known I’d do fucked up shit in Vegas), who all was there and who all I fucked. I remember Him getting a bloody nose in Mandalay Bay. I remember Cedric the coke dealing limo driver. I have nothing else. Blegh. So today in therapy I got to revisit two men I’d hurt, but with newly remembered reasons of why they’d been hurt. And the session reminded me I must track these men down and speak with them. Face to face. I gotta tell em.
I gotta tell him I did wrong. That it was wrong of me to treat him as I did. To take advantage of him, to lie, cheat and steal. It was wrong of me to use him as if his feelings didn’t matter. Wrong to throw aside his humanity for my desires. My ego and pride got in the way of my usefulness, of me being a good person, and I want him to know that I’m willing to do whatever he needs to make it right. Even if it means never talking to him again. I just have to clean up my side of the street, and I won’t be able to deal with these addictions until I take that action.
I also had a big realization about my mother today, and because I’m not sure whether she reads this or not, I’m going to refrain from discussing it here. But some things became very clear this afternoon, and I felt a little lost, a bit confused. I came home and made snickerdoodles, cookies she always made for me as a child. I ate the dough until my stomach hurt, ate almost every cookie I baked. I also asked my Dad to buy me a plane ticket up to see him for Christmas, and thankfully he had enough miles he could make it happen. So, this year, my first year of sobriety, I’m spending the holiday with my father. The first time since I was 13. Which is exactly how old I feel right now.
I’m going to bed. My tummy hurts, and Saucy and kitty are already warming up the bed for me. My little lovebugs.
ariel
December 1, 2009
As an addict, I have found that I never run out of people that I’ve hurt. There is always some transgression that you forget about. Even after awhile it keeps you humble.
Your puppy is adorable, and you have an endearing personality.
graycloud
December 2, 2009
you are the best, remember that, and as always – keep moving. you will have a lovely Christmas with your father. sending you a very big hug.
Jim
December 2, 2009
Snickerdoodles are good cookies.
Sane Washington
December 2, 2009
Hey Jennie (Penny Flame),
Just wanted to say I am proud of you and your journey. It is not easy to do what you are doing and I commend you on that. It always great to see girls like you make it out of the industry and move on to better things. I wish you good luck in the future and I look forward to seeing more good news through your recovery! PS: I think you could make a good TV host!
Lance
December 2, 2009
Jennie, lets just say I was one of those guys you screwed over and I was not drunk off my ass or strung out on drugs at the time. Seeing the way you are now I could accept an apology from you. If you were now just as you were then the best that could be said is it would be hard.
You have made great strides already and are not the same young woman who used everyone around her to avoid feelings and emotions. Not every guy will be open to an apology but most will be and you will both feel better for it. Maybe they will remember the sex being great but I think most likely they can remember that you were somewhere else during it, somewhere far away and untouchable.
Pete Schult
December 2, 2009
Best of luck in making amends, Jennie. In my own life, this one person I hurt didn’t forgive me, but it helped me to ask for forgiveness, to do what I could to make it right.
ro ro
December 2, 2009
Once again, I read your post and cannot help but feel similarities. Not in actions or past, but in the present, in recognizing who I am and who I want to become. I’m not a sex addict, but understand what you are going through on a deeper level. I’m making amends (or trying to) with my dad as well. Once again, I’m inspired by your journey, though different it may be from my own.
Many blessings to you as you continue on your path.
fromhousewifetofilmmaker
December 2, 2009
Six years ago I turned 39 and made the discovery that I had no idea who I was. I was raised in a war torn home, physically and mentally beaten, and sexually molested for years. Since then I’ve been intensely working–facing and healing my past and my issues–to “find me” with the assistance of my life coach. Who thankfully, gives me no room to squirm. Along the way I’ve discovered more things than I cared to believe at the time about myself or others. But of those discoveries some of the most earth shattering, painful ones were those that had to do with my mother… the cookie dough of my choice: Chocolate Chip.
But be encouraged “this too will pass”. At least the bulk, has for me. Little ripples can still arise. But with each, the pain fades a little more and it’s replaced with more freedom to find and be me.
Happy to hear you’ll be with your dad for the holiday. That’s tremendous.
Theresa Jane
http://www.fromhousewifetofilmmaker.wordpress.com
Do32
December 2, 2009
Jenny,
I came across your story in an article i read about you in the San Francisco Chronicle about two weeks ago. Since then i have followed your blog. I wanted to post this a say that i admire your openness and willing to talk candidly about your struggles. I think you are encouraging others to make similar positive choices in their lives. So I am rooting for you and for continued steps forward.
George
December 2, 2009
Awesome… 😉
Jae Farkas
December 2, 2009
Hey, Jennie, this is Jae, the workshop therapist who did the tee shirt project with you. I never got to tell you how brave I thought you were that day and how profound your art was. The struggle between the persona you created and the authentic, fragile human being you were allowing to surface was so clear, and I found you to be truly honest and very brave. I have been wondering about your progress and want to offer my ongoing support as you continue to explore your potential. You are a lovely and strong young woman. I wish you all the best. Jae Farkas, M.S. jae@valleytraumacenter.org
Matt Beard
December 2, 2009
I take my hat off to your honesty. Documenting all of this on a public site takes alot of courage – I can see the therapeutic side to it however.
I wish you all the best and will continue to read your updates and hope you totally get rid of your demons.
Carolyn
December 2, 2009
Sounds like you’re doing really important work. It will be healing to you, and likely to them, too, when you admit wrongdoing and ask forgiveness. It really can mean a lot to hear a real, heartfelt apology and an admission of wrongdoing. So if you start to wonder if there’s a point to it… there really is.
Good luck. 🙂
And enjoy the holidays!
Michael
December 2, 2009
Onward and upward, Jennie. Re-integration can be pursued in any confusing, forward motion. It’s all ok. You can take the time it takes to understand it.
Michael
December 2, 2009
Jennie
Wow, I give you credit for the steps you are taking and the progress you are making. You are one incredible and amazing lady and you need to remember that. No one is perfect in life and even though you have made mistakes, you are admitting them and doing what you can to make amends for that. There are too many “GOOD” people out there that never do that and I commend you for that. Remember that you are a good and wonderful person and you are taking steps so that the whole world can see that!
LC
December 2, 2009
Dear Jennie,
The things that your write that are the most self-reflective are the things I as someone who knows you not find most interesting. Deezy’s sister on the other hand knows you and was surprised to learn you felt you had low self-esteem. Most of the comments we read are simple conjecture about you. Deezy’s sister’s comment was a gem.
After doing some checking it seems that people can appear to be very self-assured by simple being assertive. Assertive to state what they want, like, or demand. Because of this combative outward appearance it is assumed that they know themselves, like them selves and therefore are working in their own best interest and the best interest of humanity as a whole.
What at great mask “assertiveness” can be? I guess one thing I have seen in your writing with Deezy’s sister’s help is how totally divorced assertive almost combative behavior can from a person’s feeling of self worth. I guess addictive behavior really has to have a lot of assertiveness to keep it going all be it at other people’s expense. Not to mention the great cost to the addict. There is really no reason to pick on addicts; there are plenty of combative or assertive people who wreak havoc for themselves and others. I guess having self worth has more to do with being in touch with ones owns needs a emotions than being able to assert persona which may be “made up” as apparently was the case the private Penny Flame.
A word of advice, for what it is worth Kid. Don’t be too concerned with being told you are the anti Christ or praised for being like Betty Ford by being public, in that the support you give to others. All these comments are just other sides of the same coin; of people like me who don’t know you, viewing you. Both may be addictive in there own right. Thanks for giving us all better insight to the human condition. LC
Stanley in New York
December 2, 2009
I had a lot of trouble accepting the legitimacy/validity of the 12 steps.
I’ve been thinking about those steps, what purpose they serve, how and why they work. They are presented so often as pillars handed down from on high. But I’ve just recently turned them on their head, tried seeing them as negations of thought patterns that allow addictions and compulsive behaviors to continue.
Of course they look like pillars, because when you take the pitfalls for granted, it warps your sense of what “flat” feels like, so negating them should feel like pillars.
The cesspools that the 12 steps drain and fill in, the ones that drag us back down to the fuck-its, that whisper in our ears that it’s not worth the fight, would read like this:
1) I can control my behavior; it’s not really /that/ bad.
2) I am irredeemably defective, and there is nothing that can fix me
3) I don’t want to answer to anyone, or anything
4) I haven’t done anything wrong; I am perfectly fine the way I am
5) I can keep my wrongs secret and no one will ever know
6) I don’t actually want to change
7) I am too proud to ask for help
8) I haven’t harmed anyone
9) There is nothing I can do to fix what I’ve done
10) Now I’ve got it right, and don’t have to worry; I’m cured, let’s party!
11) Nobody is watching, I don’t have to think about getting better anymore, this was just a sex/love/alcohol-specific issue, and doesn’t affect the rest of my life.
12) I have nothing to offer anyone from my experience; it didn’t actually mean anything except in my own head.
Michael
December 2, 2009
Thank you for your blog.
geo
December 2, 2009
Thank you for allowing us–me–to take this journey with you, Ms. K. There are elements I can relate to, others that at first I don’t quite understand, then get a flash of revelation, not just about who you are, but also what went into making me who I am. You are incredibly fortunate to have this chance to redefine who you are by digging deep, by sharing, through confession and acceptance and change. I spend a good share of my time after reading your words allowing my mind to sift through the images that pop up, as now where I’m having trouble putting into words the confusion I am feeling, not with what you said but with the emotions that popped up in yours truly. One thing that is clear is that I am happy that you are part of a 12-Step program. I admit, I’m biased (Dr. Bob S. was a distant relative), and while I do not attend meetings (I’ve never used drugs, stopped drinking not because I’d get falling down, but because alcohol is contraindicated by a prescription I’m on), but the underlying ideas, that I’m not perfect, that I never will be perfect and that’s ok (starting to sound like Stuart Smalley here…), that there are things I can control and things I cannot… it feels right to me to let a lot of that just go and take each person, each event, each hour, minute or second as it comes for what it is without putting “good” or “bad” labels on them. It makes sense to me as a Taoist, but I admit I’m not so good at putting it into words. The important thing is, thanks in part to you I’m learning how to be more accepting and how to read myself better, and as Ms Stewart says, “that’s a good thing!” Cheers, Ms K!
Stanley in New York
December 2, 2009
Well, maybe that list of the pitfalls that the steps counter is a bit off (especially for the steps I haven’t gotten to yet). But I just had the insight today, so please forgive the rough draft.
CJ
December 2, 2009
Well, you got us citizens of the USA rootin’ for ya Jennie.
crisrawner
December 2, 2009
We’ve all done all of wrong things in our lives. The only thing we can do about our wrongs is learn from them. Always remember that time heals everything and keep living and healing one day at a time. You’ll make it.
Felix
December 2, 2009
Thanks for the insight. For most addicts, fear is the factor that gets in the way more than anything, even more than the addiction itself. Thinking something can’t be done and being too afraid to try. But the mind is a powerful thing.
Sean
December 2, 2009
Jenny,
I have enjoyed every one of your posts since you started this process. I think I take something away from every step you are making just from your sharing with us.
Your steps forward take time, and sometimes they hurt I know. But realize you are helping others along with yourself.
And sure, you may feel like you’re 13 again, because you have a lot of catching up to do – years you missed that you are now rebuilding. Keep that faith you have and thank you for sharing with all of us.
Michael
December 2, 2009
Jennie, wow. That’s a lot to deal with on one day but I’m sure that this was ground breaking for you and when you wake up tomorrow, you’ll have a fresh look on life and be a day closer to the true you. Keep it up girl and remember, don’t ever give up.
JK
December 2, 2009
Ahhh, tummy aches from snickerdoodles… my Mom bakes them with half a marachino (I hope I spelled that right) cherry on top…mmmmmmmmm! She always bakes up a huge batch of all kinds of cookies… Mexican Wedding cookies, some with chocolate and toffee in them… and believe it or not her rolls are even better than any cookie she makes… yes her rolls. If you got some of her rolls on your nose your tongue would beat your brains out trying to it, they are just that good! It is good to hear you are spending time with family for the holidays. Did you have a good or bad relationship with your Dad? That relationship seems to be a very important one. Well I hope your visit is a good one.
About finding poeple you have hurt in the past, most poeple if you are sincere will accept your apology. I will pray for you and hope that endevor goes smoothly.
Haji
December 2, 2009
The best you can do is to make the effort. If you try in honesty to make amends and it’s not accepted, that’s not your fault. You can’t control how other people feel and react; only yourself. Just do your best. We’ve never met, but you’re in my prayers.
Michael Irish
December 2, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Watching Dr. Drew’s program was difficult. There was a lot of pain you and the other women were going through. it reinforced my feeling that most men are jerks.
I’m not sure why having cameras in rehab helps recovery, helps healing. Going through rehab (in my case, drugs) is difficult enough as it is.
Did you read “Smashed,” bv Koren Zailckas?
I think men should read books like hers, In part for understanding the psychological pain women have to deal with due to male behavior.
I wish you all that’s good in the world. God knows you deserve it.
Don
December 2, 2009
Don’t be to hard on yourself. Everything in life revolves around circumstances. You did what you did to survive. And you were good at it. Surround yourself with people who lift you up not bring you down. I have led a fairly hard life myself.Molested as a kid and attempting suicide at 25. You would be amazed at the fact i lost over half my friends at that time. Guess they weren’t really friends.Best thing i can say is. Harden the F up and keep moving .That is what I had to do.Hope it helps you good luck.
fanofbaseball24
December 3, 2009
thanks jennie! i’ve gained some hope through your change. i’ve said some prayers for you. i hope you continue to become a better person.
Scott
December 3, 2009
Hey Jennie,
You know, the reason you were so sought after in “the industry” was becasue you are so smart and talented as an actor. Have you any interest in keeping that acting thing going, if only to please yourself, friends and family?
Personally…you’ve got great “whites” in those eyes, it would be a shame not to use ’em!
Meyhem
December 3, 2009
Hi Jennie. I am not sure how to say this so please understand I have good intentions (I Do!)
I remember when I was about to do my ammends, how scarey it looked. I was such a horrible person who had destroyed all these peoples lives. But when I went back to make the ammends some of these people diden’t remember me. Those that did, dident think that what I had done was even half as bad as I did.
I mean DAMN, How could they forget ME! The Anti-Christ!
It was a hell of a shot to my ego, let me tell ya. I had made the mistake of thinking that if I wasen’t the best person out there, I must be the worst. I could not stand the thought of mediocracy. The very idea that I am not so terribly unique, was like poison to me.
My ego has this habit of setting me up for a fall…
Anyways, Dont be too afraid of your ammends. I think you will find them liberating. I know I did.
Luck and Prayers.
Meyhem
Matt
December 3, 2009
Jennie,
I only recently discovered Penny Flame, and through that, found you here. I am glad to have done so. I’ve been going through a transition of my own and reading what you’ve shared has allowed me a much needed shift in perspective. Thank you for having the courage to share so candidly. I look forward to your book, and I wish you every success with your recovery.
Severian
December 3, 2009
Jennie,
You’re doing a good thing. Obviously for yourself, but for other people as well. I stumbled upon your blog randomly, and it immediately brightened me. I’m only just coming to terms with my own addictions (porn being one of, and perhaps the oldest, of them). And even though you’ve led a very different life than I have, and have experienced porn in a very different (though perhaps more interesting) way than I have, your journey towards a different, fully realized vision of yourself is really inspiring. Our culture is so mind-numbing, in the most literal sense, that it’s hard to figure out exactly where you as a person begin and end. It’s just cool to see someone who’s been through as much of an identity-scrambler as you seem you have been through exerting the will and focus that you are. Sometimes freedom really is slavery, as I’m (slowly) discovering. Best of luck to you.
And btw, the (I think) latest painting you put up on your art site is really excellent, the one with the various hands growing like a tree and dipping (dripping?) bloodpaint from the skulls. Can’t afford to buy it, but I’ll definitely buy a print after you become a renowned artist.
@mytherapistjill
December 4, 2009
A woman of grace in integrity…..truly.
Holland
December 5, 2009
Strange how much we have in common, but how different the places are that we’re both coming from.
I’ve just come to terms with my self destructive ways in relationships, compulsive cheating, etc. All of the friends I’ve ignored, the times I’ve run from intimacy and closed myself off and become a recluse. I thought the fact that I had never been abused justified my behavior because I could not find the source of the problem, when it wasn’t so cut and dry as I might like.
Intimacy satisfies our emotional needs and I was so fond of running from mine I had convinced myself I had none-I wanted none- because I was so out of touch with what I wanted and needed in my life.
It took a while and it was hard. But I laugh as hard as I cry now.
You are doing all of this, for who? For you. Your resolve is amazing and you should always remember who you’re fighting for.
dr_yasser
July 9, 2011
hi jennie
hope u read my post
you know i have seen ur movies
nothing im proud of
but i did
it was making be happy
but u know it was temprory
followed by guilt and thinking about my life
but i discovered that happiness is nothing to look around for
it is something inside all of us
it just need digging
deep digging
until u find the seed of faith and self peace
inside all of us is a heaven
a miracle
amazing things
maybe we dont know about
the journey was tough
but i found my seed
would u find urs?!
gerilewis001
October 27, 2011
Hello I stumbled across your blog researching ways to help a friend that has been in pornography industry for 20 years and it has almost killed her. please read and any suggestions or help would be appreciated. God Bless,
gerilewis001
October 27, 2011
Btw Im wearing then shoes of the ex you wrote about. The woman that Im still attempting to help treated me as you so aptly described. However I know the pain she is in and will always love her and try to help her. Peace. It works if you work it! Ger-I
tomdolak
August 31, 2012
Stanley, thanks for your 12 step comment back there. That’s some good stuff.