I spent my therapy session with Jill yesterday a blathering mess of emotionally sticky tears. I told her about the post, about not doing anything or moving forward. I also confessed to watching two episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy,” that had me in an even bigger, sticky, emotionally messy situation as well. Apparently, I am still not as well equipped to handle feelings as I would like. I’m getting better, but still no pro.
It seems that I’ve been working working working, schooling schooling schooling, for the past six months and this working/schooling combo has helped to stave off any emotional upheaval that may have come to rise. By staying in motion, by being in life, part of it, part of the giant whirlwind that is life, I can stay very much in my brain and very much disconnected from my heart. This disconnection, Jill says, is a difficult thing to manage. A little thing called balance. The more equipped I become at handling life, the more equipped I can become at handling my emotions. The next step is integrate these two things into a nice smooth ride instead of the rollercoaster of up and down’s I’m feeling now. And not rollercoaster in a manic or bi-polar way. Just in an up and down sort of way.
My dad leaving is very bittersweet. I am terribly sad. But I wouldn’t be terribly sad if I didn’t have the wonderful relationship to be grateful for, to miss. Thinking of it brings tears. Welling up in eyes. Changing subject.
My mom makes me very sad. She recently said she is sober again. Hearing this excites me, and the excitement must be shelved for protection and self-preservation. I can’t write about it because fear of her reading and becoming upset. She can’t seem to understand when I write about her, I am actually writing about the way I feel, and not the way she makes me feel. They are separate feelings, and she can’t quite grasp that.
The notion that I have trouble working, schooling, living and feeling, all at once, makes me sad. Don’t people do this all the time? Isn’t it like putting your shoes on in the morning? You do it once and you can do it everyday forever? Why can’t I seem to put on my goddamn shoes?
Watching Grey’s made me sad. Mr. Man had started watching it while I was away with my sister, and the other night we sat down for a few episodes. My personal preference when it comes to entertainment is the variety where guns and explosions take place of love and crying. These two episodes pertained to father/daughter relationships, and the life/death of one father in particular. I couldn’t quit crying. It was. HORRIBLE. The death was nothing, regular, Mr. Man tried to be comforting, but the stupid show was so triggering I excused myself to the bathroom for face-washing and nose-blowing. Stupid show. I told Mr. Man I’d never watch that stupid show again and that I hated him for making me watch something that would make me cry. Then I hid under the covers and cried until I fell asleep. Completely absurd. Jill asked if I let him comfort me, saying that is a nice thing to let your partner do. I reminded her of the irrationality of my tears, brought on by a stupid show about really good looking doctors, and she had to remind me it had nothing to do with the show. Which made me cry even more.
So, with the crying, with the absurdity of tears and stagnation and sitting at a desk uploading pictures to send off in emails, I am ready to move on with this day. To move through the feelings. To keep the feelings in motion instead of shoving them down inside into a small black terrible little ball of angry sorrowful death. I am ready.
I think.
Tony V
January 28, 2011
Interesting observation about disconnecting from your heart based on your recent schedule. Many of us suffer from the same thing — putting outside forces/demands ahead of our own personal needs or issues.
I wish you the best in the upcoming period in dealing with your father’s departure and your mother’s reappearance. Based on how important parental relationships are for everyone, it is not surprising that you are feeling some discomfort because of your recent focus on work and schooling.
It all comes with experience — you will achieve a balance. You will be able to put on your shoes without a problem.
Rayne
January 28, 2011
Just as drug and sex addiction kept you from coping with the problems of the present and past, you’re doing the same thing with work and school. Work and school are both good things, but if they keep you from dealing with your feelings – then you’ve in danger of becoming a ‘workaholic’ or even a ‘schoolaholic’.
At that point all you did was change addictions.
It’s a tough balance, Jenn – working enough to support yourself, while going to school to make your life better, finding time for Mr. Man and still mananging to rathole enough time away for YOU.
Might I suggest – and this may sound a bit out there – buying a daytimer. Try to account for every minute of the day. Pencil in time for yourself if that’s what you have to do, Jenn.
Rayne
tonykorleone
January 28, 2011
I don’t like to write like I’m qualified to help in any way. I am here I guess because I support and find happiness in how you put so much energy in flipping around one life to another and I envy and strive to make changes with the fear of the unknown things in my face that come with those changes. I read , support and just try to be around with all the others that support you. I may not have intelligent answers like the others but believe me I send positive thoughts your way always. I had a stressful interview yesterday… 1st one in 17 yrs… I want to move my medical job closer to home. Like today I have a 2 1/2 hr drive to Night Shift 12hrs. It starts your already stressful , life or death job off with the wrong mind set when you drive 2 1/2 hrs in traffic to work LOL. So , the interview, 2 hr panel interview of questions. I was so nervous and stressed before, during and after. My answer… why get all stressed when I already have a job (17 yrs) where ever it may be . YES it would be nice to work across the street but I’ll keep applying until I get it. I went for a run and another one after I type this and I may run it out of me
Peace to you Jennie.
xo
Tony in South Florida
Mrs. Hall
January 28, 2011
normal people struggle on and off too. so we take days off to chill and regroup.
and I can’t watch any shows created by Alan Ball (six feet under, dexter) too much subterfuge is stirred up. it calls up the dark places in unhealthy ways for me.
so go easy on yourself, you’ll get there. and let Mr. Man hug you. a lot.
JJ
January 28, 2011
“The notion that I have trouble working, schooling, living and feeling, all at once, makes me sad. Don’t people do this all the time? Isn’t it like putting your shoes on in the morning? You do it once and you can do it everyday forever? Why can’t I seem to put on my goddamn shoes? ”
Jennie, no one is balanced all the time. It is easy to ‘hide’ in work and/or school, or anything else, for that matter. Not to reject intense periods of work or school, where the other parts of life are consciously put on hold for a time. But to recognize that intense focus that takes away from the other parts of life when you are doing it and then address, if even briefly, those other parts seems to me to be the key. Now, If I could only remember that when most needed!
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is a process. I really think that it doesn’t matter what we choose to do – within healthy boundaries, that is – but it is how we do it, how we relate to ourselves, others, what we encounter, that matters most.
You will succeed.
JJ
Invisible Mikey
January 28, 2011
Being authentic sometimes becomes hard work when you’ve gotten big rewards for pretending, and you spent time on the lam from realness even before you were on-camera. Vulnerability is an irreplaceable path to wholeness. Until you cry enough for all your past and present losses, you can’t clear the old, clogged pipes and get a true flow of integrated understanding. You’ve been frightened, and you’ve been hurt, and you deserve comfort and safety (like everyone). You’re doing the work. You’re earning the wisdom that comes from being present. Whatever you weren’t present for before requires revisiting. All emotions are by definition irrational. They still occur for a reason. You are discovering the reasons for yours, Jennie. This struggle is really going to expand your ability to help others in years to come.
firstverb
January 28, 2011
Miss Jennifer,
I am sorry for my suggestions in yesterdays post. I am the type that, “well if hurts to move your arm that way, don’t move your arm that way.” I also try and fix what’s right in front of me, instead of finding the root cause. These were things which you didn’t need. Yet there is a place on the Santa Monica Pier which teaches Trapeze, just incase your interested. Again I’m sorry, it’s a good thing you have Dr. Jill to help work out these things. And Mr. Man and all the rest, all good people all there to help. I just don’t understand the tear glands on women in general, my wife specifically. Ok this one time we were in Dillard’s to get new suite case for a trip. I asked which size she wanted, honest that’s all I asked. And the tears just started coming and coming. (Ok so she was pregnant and her hormones were crazy.) And there were all these people looking at this horrible evil man making his obviously pregnant wife cry. I just don’t understand. This person which shares my life is in pain, and I can’t stand it. I see her cry and want to hold her to comfort her or just do something anything to fix it. Your Mr. Man might feel the same way. I hope your weekend is a pleasant one, filled with lots of smiley moments.
Have a glorious day.
Max
January 28, 2011
That’s the sticky thing about feelings/emotion/pain, you can only deny it for so long, eventually it HAS to come out and be dealt with. Continued best wishes, Max.
aaron
January 28, 2011
I identified so much with this post. Thank you for writing it. When you talked about the show triggering you and making you cry, it made me remember I’ve had commercials make me cry. I’d think, “God, this is stupid, why am I crying cause of all things, a dumb commercial.” Well I had broken up with my long time girlfriend, and had been feeling terribly isolated. I never cried over them, I wouldn’t let myself, if I cried, it meant depression was settling in. But I needed to feel these emotions, and they manifested in odd places. I’ve learned how to feel, since then. It such a strange thing to say, but its like waking up, and having the sun shine right in your face. I didn’t know what to do with all that coming in all at once. I think you are, have been, experiencing the same thing, and its so comforting to know that people do this, and I’m not a strange person after all.
Kevin
January 29, 2011
I don’t mean to minimize what your going through. I understand that your re-educating yourself on how to engage and contend with emotional content. I get the impression you feel challenged and at a disadvantage. On the contrary, as you learn to manage your feelings you’ve probably exceeded the masses in this arena. Most people never learn how to deal with their emotions, or develop a deep understanding of the root of where those feelings originate. Its not because they get it, and never had to glance at the manual that explains how to manage their feelings. Sadly, they’ve never had the courage to want to address their feelings. You have. And by doing so, you’ve already exceeded those you might consider your betters.
davy
January 29, 2011
I don’t know why (that’s a lie, I do. I’ve seen some of Penny’s flicks.) but your headline “Feelings in motion” jogged my memory to that ’60′s hit Poetry in Motion. Catchy tune. It might do you some good.
Luann
January 29, 2011
Welcome to your wonderful life. Isn’t it wonderful how your heart and brain lead you to the perfect moments and show you what you need? You, my friend, have made it to the next step. You have put yourself physically back together and now you are tinkering with all the things that will bring you balance and joy. Uncomfortable as all get out, but a necessary evil to the success of your life and learning to be comfortable in your own skin. Learning to deal with the silence and the art of doing nothing is just another reminder of how far you have come. When your are free of all the demons your brain and heart relish the silence and from those moments comes clarity and the freedom to move forward in a true sense. We move so fast in life that we often forget how important it is to let our brain stop, be silent and regroup for what is to come next.
When I am lost I spend time with nature. If that is not possible I watch the trees dance in front of my office window and often think about this clip. . ..
At .41 and 6.55 of the clip it reminds me of everything I need to remember to stop the crazy stuff in my head and get back to peace.
We all know how far you have come and how great you are doing. The fight inside your head may never end, but it will become quieter and often take a back seat to the wonderful life that is ahead. It’s not a bad thing for it to be there. It’s like a scar. It will fade with time but some days it will itch and remind you of the bad times and help you be present for all the wonderful things to come. Smiles!!
pragmatic realist
January 29, 2011
I appreciate the things you are going through. I certainly don’t know any way to do it better than you are. I think you are going to be alright. It took a long time to get in to where you are and it will take as long to get back out.
Jimmy
January 29, 2011
Well. To me, life is like… A series of punches to the face. School should’ve taught a “about life” class, but they didn’t. Sadly, parents don’t do it either. Eventually, you learn to roll with the dog **** you get handed in life.
With regard to your mom not understanding, I believe it’s a problem with not being taught proper communication skills. I think this has coalesced into the idea of “culture” a sort of social norms so people can function. Some people don’t have the same culture, which is to say, the same way of saying or doing things. When confronted with different cultures, some are confused, or angry even. It helps to learn how to speak in such a way that people feel less offended. It’s sad that, even though you can learn this skill and master it, still you will upset people. It will make you feel like you’re the only adult around, the only one trying. It’s a lonely life being the one that always seems to be the one controlling their emotions while everyone else is flying off the handle. Putting up with, frankly, your mother’s deficiency, is tough, but you can learn how to speak to people. For example, instead of saying things like “When you said this, YOU shocked me” (caps mine for emphasis), you can say “when you said this, I was shocked”. It takes the sting out of things. Sorry, people tend to be prideful and their pride gets hurt easily. You probably don’t have pride, you lost that in your transformation.
Breaking down is wonderful, it’s freeing, even though you feel awful at first. I cried at the end of the movie 50 first dates. It wrecked me. One last thought. Your life could be worse. Your dad could, for example, claim you’re not his daughter. You could be on not great terms with your uncle and his wife, and not feeling comfortable visiting your only surviving grandmother. You could be in a pile of debt, which I don’t think you are. You can get out of bed every morning and not dread having to do things. Remember that it could be due to you still being on a substance rollercoaster due to your quitting gum. And natural hormone cycle changes.
Hope you feel better,
JC
Jim
January 30, 2011
Arghh, so sorry Jenny, tough time with your Dad moving. I hope you’ve bounced back, but it’s tough having someone move, and since you’re sober now and “feeling” maybe it’s hitting more than it ever would have before?
But he’s okay and alive, and you can keep communicating, and the car can remind you of him whenever you need it to, and you have an excuse to travel if the book does well!
Dave Lease
January 30, 2011
Hey I like the painting…Is that one of yours?
becomingjennie
January 31, 2011
yup, it sure is…
Lacey
January 31, 2011
I too am a recovering addict. I often find myself crying over the little things and completely ignoring the real issues I ought to be trying to face. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and I really admire your ambition! I woke up today feeling like today was going to be rough, but reading your blog has made me remember that I’m not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing your experiences and know that you inspire me!
L.C.
January 31, 2011
Dear Jennie,
Beg your pardon but it sounds as if you are getting on just fine, it is just hard to live in the main stream of connectedness, work, authenticity and allowing ones self the luxury of trusting enough to take advantage of secure bonds. Had to laugh, because I think “Grey’s Anatomy” is a stupid show and probably written just to pull on people’s hart strings to get then to watch it again and again.
So in that light it really does not matter why you got sucked in to being triggered. The luxury you have is someone who is just willing to be there for you. Yes getting an allergic reaction is irrational but the world around you does in many times a day so why not you? Friend Jill may be on to something. Next time just ask Mr. Man if you can hid your ears and eyes under his arm and just hold you and you hold him. Just be their for each other after enough time of holding each other it will begin to sink that not much more is required. He might have felt really lonely too. It really is just as hard to reach out for someone to be there, as it is to be there for that someone! Help him just as he helps you. Simple? Not really. It takes time to allow ones safety of independence and self-reliance to give way to support and safety a closeness of simple bond. Good luck Kid, sounds like you are onto something hold each other tight, LC
D
January 31, 2011
Jennie
I came across Becoming Jennie a few weeks ago and started reading at the beginning. I realize that each reader has experienced some part of what you’ have been going through – mostimes painfully – and I have watched you become a very balanced young woman. You have shed a painful past, grieved for some of the loss, but you’ve steadfastly worked yourself forward. I would agree with an earlier commentor, and Dr Jill, when you’re crying you should let Mr Man hug you. He needs to as much as you really do need a hug. This is from my experience – I hide in my head and suffer alone. That is the legacy of my family and the general culture – men don’t cry. Like you I can compartmentalize everything in my life – it has been a wedge between me and happiness. I’ve been doing it much longer than you’ve been alive. Please take the time to try to break it down now. It only becomes harder later. And like everything else you’ve been through – small steps work. Just a little at a time.
Oh and keep painting.
Stephster
February 1, 2011
Jenn,
This post has been on my mind since you wrote it. I know what it’s like to feel emotionally ill-equipped to handle life. I live it everyday. I continually get frustrated with myself, and in my head, berate myself for not being able to handle things. After all, I should be able to handle the working, schooling, feeling stuff….right? Instead, I handle everything else but the feeling because its less painful that way.
The reason that this particular post has been on my mind is because I feel completely alone. I have a very awesome therapist whom I love dearly, and a strong network of friends…..but I still feel alone. Your post made me feel less alone.
Hang in there.
theduffboy
February 2, 2011
Grey’s Anatomy also has triggered some recurring feelings and sad memories for me. To have the one you love comfort you is something priceless, hope you get there soon. Hugs from Guatemala.
Jimmy
February 4, 2011
Remember how I said life is like a series of punches to the face? I got into a car accident without insurance, after being interrogated by border patrol in New York State. Yup, I want to live in the US and I’m bringing in more than $10,000 US. I’m also trying to sabotage your agriculture industry via my bag of Canadian Chips and Coke Zero MUAHAHAHAHA, or I don’t know, maybe I’m just a terrorist. Hurray for intimidation making me nervous in a foreign country (thanks to your laws your country can pretty much do whatever the hell you want to me as soon as I hit the border). Now I have a ticket to deal with, adding salt to the already open gash.
Between this and everything else I’ve had to deal with, I don’t think I’ll ever be connected to my heart again. Right now, it’s useless to me. It doesn’t help me get stuff done, it just helps me feel like garbage. I’m done with balance. I’m riding this emotionless train as far as it’ll go.
alldrittm
February 6, 2011
This is my sixth term of school in sobriety, and I’m still looking for balance. I’ve been working throughout the past year-and-a-half, but it seems like something changes each term. Maybe it’s just within me. I get so focused on doing this and writing that paper, making sure I not only show up for work but do a good job at it, doing recovery and trying to fit some semblance of a social life that I’m a little blown away when some emotional connectedness seeps in. It’s good to know that my humanity persists even when I think my schedule has rendered it unnecessary.
Good or bad, they both will pass.
firstverb
February 6, 2011
Miss Jennifer,
I hope you have had a wonderful day. I would like to congratulate you on 22 months. I know they have been hard, well really I don’t. I have no concept of the pains and horrors which you’ve endured to stay on this, your new life’s course. Change is hard, no matter what anyone might say, change is hard. Always being in the moment, never just allowing yourself to coast. Thank you for putting up with everything, and living your life to its fullest. The only things that really matters in the time we get on this planet are our family and those we love. Everything else is just nonsense, mostly. I hope you and Mr. Man have a great week, and that yall get to spend as much time as you can together. Thank you for being the most excellent you, that you are.
Have a glorious day.
Hoosier
February 7, 2011
The reaction you report to what apparently seemed to you to be surprisingly unexpected stressors actually demonstrates your comparatively newfound maturity and growth. Whereas in the past, you might have sought escape through some substance abuse, this time you remained engaged and discussed your feelings with both your significant other and a trusted counselor (and us, your devoted online fans). Congratulations, and keep up the good work!
fobes
February 11, 2011
That painting is sweet . how much do you sell your art for ?