The close of the semester has come and gone, the finals, the stress, the slight cold that comes from my immune system shutting down in response to that stress… This month has already been a roller coaster ride of emotions, and because I haven’t had the time, or perhaps the emotional stamina to do so, I’ve yet to share any of the twists and turns, the peaks and dips, with all of you here. So here we are. Together. For the holidays.
Finals came and went, as they always do at the end of the semester. I feel confident that I’ve gotten As in all my courses, teetering in biopsych but I’ve worked so hard that a B+ is something I would not beat myself up over. I’m all signed up and ready for my classes at Cal State Northridge, and am excited and nervous to be back at a four year institution. I’m nearly done with the upper division gened stuff, and now, all that’s left is the psych stuff, which I love, and am thrilled to take.
I’ve decided to go to med school. It came off the tail feathers of a desire to get a PhD, which blossomed from a desire to go to grad school. I figure go big or go home. I spent eight years of my life participating in something that ultimately proved to be fairly unhealthy for me, mentally and spiritually, so another eight years (plus a few more) to become as fluent in the language of helping people shouldn’t be that hard. What’s ten years in the game of life. Really? Not much… It all goes so fast.
I will be pursuing Psychiatry, but am open to the experiences that will be provided by attending. Who knows… Maybe I will like working in Pediatrics. Maybe I will want to be a neurosurgeon. Maybe I’ll get to be the doctor that tells Kim Jong-un the heart issues are genetic and he should probably chill out on the test missiles. Who knows where we will be in ten years. I just pray that I am here, on earth, enjoying the beauties life has to offer.
The book has been Delivered and Accepted (D&A in book lingo), meaning it has passed through the lawyers, the editors, all the necessary hands. I’ve feel like I’ve been running up a giant mountain, with a hang glider attached to my back, approaching the ever daunting cliff of publication. All that is left to write now are the acknowledgements and thanks, which seem like an even bigger task than writing the book. So few people to make a porn, so many to make a book. They even sent me some sample pages, so I could approve the font and the indentations and that shit. It’s really amazing. It’s happening. The ball is rolling, I am no longer running, the cliff has come and gone.
Flight.
A good friend of mine died the evening of December 9th. His name was Zach and he used to pick me up my freshman year in high school and we’d go get coffee before school. He would drink hot chocolate, never one for the hard stuff. He died after getting out of a taxi cab in Los Angeles, he dropped his wallet, and fell over. Went into cardiac arrest. The service has been postponed because his poor mother isn’t well. As if there weren’t enough on the family’s plate.
It comes in waves, the indescribable sorrow that accompanies any young and explanation-less death. He wasn’t a big drinker, wasn’t a user. Was just a good kid. He used to tell me not to smoke cigarettes, that it was bad for me. He once told me that he didn’t understand why I was in porn. That I had more in me than the industry could ever know. I had laughed at him, said thanks and tried to forget his words. Now, I hear them loud and clear. I see the sincerity in his eyes and wish I could thank him for saying that which all else were afraid to say. I miss him already.
I have grown weary of people dying.
I’d hoped it would stop when I began to form a healthy circle of friends. The problem here is that he wasn’t part of the unhealthy life. He was part of my childhood. The “good.” So sad. I will go to the bay when it is time for the service, rip of the bandaid that time is beginning to create, and mourn properly, with the friends and families that loved him. Until then, the roller coaster of unsure, the waves, the up, the down.
The holidays.
I wish you all happy holidays, may each day and each moment we remember how precious life is, how important our loved ones are, how dear each breath. Thank you all for sharing in this emotional recovery process with me.
~Jennie
william
December 19, 2011
Good choice on attending medical school versus Ph.D. I originally wanted to to medical school and neurosurgery but I couldnt do pre med chem. Seriously… Im genius in just about everything except chem. Ugh… So I switched up and went Ph.D. …Now im in enough debt for three lifetimes. PH.D dont earn anywhere near the salary M.D. does. So….. If you like mind boggling ridiculous chemistry then med school us a great way to go. Good luck
William Sweeney Ph.D
Forever going to be paying off student loans.
Khaled
December 19, 2011
That was beautiful 🙂
Happy holidays to a wonderful soul,
Khaled
Tony V
December 19, 2011
“I see the sincerity in his eyes and wish I could thank him for saying that which all else were afraid to say.” You just did and you gave him a continued existence by sharing your love for his friendship and your memories about him with us. We should all be remembered so fondly.
Have a good holiday. Congrats for reaching a whole series of milestones.
Tara Scherner de la Fuente
December 19, 2011
Happy Holidays, Jennie. Good work!
Heather O'Neill
December 19, 2011
You are one of the most inspiring people I have ever come across. You truly make me feel as if anything is possible. Happy holidays, Jennie. xoxoxo-h
chicostephenson
December 19, 2011
sorry. death is never easy but it is a part of life. the bright side is, Zack has nothing left to worry about. P.S. I think you’d make an excellent shrink
Robert K.
December 19, 2011
I’m so very proud of you, I know this must seem odd coming from a complete stranger but I know what its like to have gone through a lot of hell in life.
Your friend & fan, Robert
Stay positive
Roy Martin
December 19, 2011
Go for it! Shoot for the stars. You have good forsight as attending will most likly shape your specialty… My condolences, he sounds like he was a really good soul, even more of a shame his mom is in poor health. Death surrounds us all, it’s all in the way we choose to use the mourning process. I like to let the tears flow, try like hell to remember all the good like a celibration of life and that’s worked preety good…Thank you for sharing in your journey… Happy Hollidays to you to sweetie!!! ; )
Jay Sullivan
December 19, 2011
So far, so good. 🙂
Invisible Mikey
December 19, 2011
When Zach shared his compassion and concern, the words and actions were stored for later use. It came back to you because your present gave it context. Kindnesses live longer than we do sometimes. It’s one of the ways people transcend death. By our remembrance, they live on.
It does take time to adjust to people dying. It’s an important, difficult, lesson, since we all must. I am sorry it is stressing you to learn it.
Learning to help heal others can be such a vital part of learning to heal ourselves. You are right, Jennie. There are so many areas of medicine and psychology you might concentrate on. It’s good to survey and try as many as you can to see where your specific talents lie.
The book is the first chapter of a bigger book, the one you write living.
Willis
December 19, 2011
Good post, Jennie. Merry Christmas!
michael92105
December 19, 2011
so very well written. Thank you and merry Christmas to you and your family.
Chris
December 19, 2011
As always, incredibly well written. You continue to be very inspirational. I previously wasted a tremendous part of my life as a party animal. All that did for me was throw away valuable years which of course could have better spent attempting to actually make a difference. You have proven that second chances are indeed there. I am now back in school, trying to pick up the pieces, and hoping to one day actually make a difference even if it is in some very small but real way. In the end, all the money in the world can never make up for being thought of as having been a good person and one who did things that benefited and served others. Hooray for real and substantial second chances!
Stewart Forgie
December 20, 2011
Hi Jenny and please accept my condolences for the loss of your freind Zach. Dont worry to much about saying goodbye to him as you just did it very beautifully here. Besides you will alwys carry a piece of him in your heart.
Congratulations on your achaivements re College and Book and here’s to a happy Hollidays for you your family and your MR, Man.
Bless,
Stewart.X
followtheleaderagain
December 20, 2011
It’s tough coming to grips with your own mortality, as you’re doing. The time of year also doesn’t help – even though you’re in California you still get less sun than in the summer. To see friends pass away with no particular rhyme or reason is also justifiably confusing. At this time, perhaps you’ve felt that no explanation could be justified. There is a reasonable explanation.
In any case, you may be feeling a bit self-defeatest, but you know it is wrong. Sometimes it feels good to have empathy and connectedness through songs. If you let them, they themselves will pull you down. In any case, they may provide temporary relief of symptoms, expressing your feelings, fears, and aspirations, and can provide a sense of finality, but the finality can be detrimental. I feel this song speaks to you, so I have provided it below. If you want to talk you know where I am. Enjoy Jennie.
Jeffrey Zukowski
December 20, 2011
Congratulations on all your accomplishments Ms. Ketcham. You are a constant source of inspiration….
I lost my young cousin last year very suddenly. He was a good man with a loving wife and family. I’ve never understood why such things need to happen, but I found a poem long ago that has comforted me whenever someone good dies too soon. I’m not a particularly religious man and I am far from a poet, but this particular poem seemed to give me a little solace in the times I needed to try and grasp some sort of explanation for an unexplainable loss. I hope it will do the same for you in some small way…
The Reaper And The Flowers
There is a Reaper, whose name is Death,
And, with his sickle keen,
He reaps the bearded grain at a breath,
And the flowers that grow between.
“Shall I have naught that is fair?” saith he;
“Have naught but the bearded grain?
Though the breath of these flowers is sweet to me,
I will give them all back again.”
He gazed at the flowers with tearful eyes,
He kissed their drooping leaves;
It was for the Lord of Paradise
He bound them in his sheaves.
“My Lord has need of these flowerets gay,”
The Reaper said, and smiled:
“Dear tokens of the earth are they,
Where he was once a child.”
“They shall all bloom in fields of light,
Transplanted by my care,
And saints, upon their garments white,
These sacred blossoms wear.”
And the mother gave, in tears and pain,
The flowers she most did love;
She knew she should find them all again
In the fields of light above.
O, not in cruelty, not in wrath,
The Reaper came that day,
‘T was an angel visited the earth
and took the flowers away.
– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
All my best,
Jeff
Hoosier
December 21, 2011
My condolences on the death of your childhood friend who offered you encouagement and sage counsel at a time you still couldn’t take heed of it. But I’m sure he would be/was glad to see the path you finally have found. Enjoy your semester break, even as you anticipate the start of the next phase of your academic adventure. Your present life experience will supply you additional assets when you finally being helping others in your eventual role as a psychiatrist. Looking forward to reading your book next year, even as I enjoyed watching your recent panel participation on Dr. Drew’s new show.
David
December 21, 2011
Hi Jennie …this is my first post to you. I first became aware of you via Dr. Drew’s show, and immediately found you so attractive. Then I heard your story, and my heart broke for you. Since then, you’ve impressed me so much by the choices you’ve made, your courage, and the development of your character. You represent the journey of life for so many, as we’re all born into a messed up world, and most of us make many bad choices along the way. The chance for healing and redemption is often scary but is the path to the ultimate victory in this life, and you took it. While you may still be on your way, I admire you for who you are and are becoming. Good for you in considering being on the other side of the healing profession. If it’s in your heart, go for it. I’m very sorry for your loss of Zach …may you find peace and comfort through your mourning, and that he lives on in the hearts of his loved ones. I wish you well as you venture into new territories, and that you experience much love during the holidays and have a very Merry Christmas …David
ecwashere
December 21, 2011
Congrats all around. You are stellar.
Un endroit meilleur, un meilleur temps, Zach. I only wish I could understand these things, as I see it every day in one form or another; in one random person or another, for seemingly random, nonsensical reasons. I recommend the Book of Job and “J.B.: A Play in Verse” by Archibald MacLeish, in that order.
I’d be happy to tell you about medical school, residency, and psychiatry in recovery. Email me if you wish (I just signed on for an on-call to examine patients put into restraints – mandatory within 1 hour in CA – and went once already at 2:30 am).
Chill for the holiday & it’s on to school with the big kids. I recommend new sneakers because you always feel good in them. As always, when school’s open, drive slow, homie (and that would be metaphorically & otherwise).
michael92105
December 21, 2011
Dear Jennie–some thoughts since I last responded…I was a little saddened to read your interest in becoming a psychiatrist. I have met many, many, psychiatrist’s working in this field over the last 25 years and have found that the field of psychiatry has sadly changed to one of being a high priced drug dealer with little time for truly understanding or helping their patients, and really, quite unfortunately being pawns for the pharmaceutical companies.
Although I am far from thinking I know you, I think you have much more to offer just in terms of your “human-ness” and your gift with being able to articulate and understand just that. I believe you will find being a counselor in whatever form that takes, a much more effective way to use your gifts.
I know you will find your way if you stay close to God and practice finding his will for you.
Again Merry Christmas to you and your family. Don’t forget to hug your dog!
michael92105
nonymooz
December 21, 2011
thank you Jennie.
good luck to you.
Raynebow
December 21, 2011
I’m very proud of you, Jennie! You can do whatever you dream you can! Please keep us posted – and remember we’re pulling for you !
Kevin Chavez
December 22, 2011
Happy Holidays, right back atcha!
Luke
December 22, 2011
Happy Holidays!
Zephyr
December 22, 2011
Thanks for being you.
“In every walk with nature one receives far more than she seeks.”
– John Muir
amy
December 22, 2011
Fabulous as always, Jennie! You are doing just fine!
Have a great holiday and peace in the New Year.
sogetthis99
December 22, 2011
You probably know that negotiating yourself out of crisis mode for 3 major addictions in the span of 2 1/2 – 3 years is nothing short of amazing. My own visit to the world of recreational drug use was very, very short (relatively speaking) but I hit a point where I was willing to trade that for complete chaos, uncertainty, and elimination of virtually all self-esteem. It took many years to build up some, never having had any before (or very little).
You must be a wunderkind of the ‘coping with addictions’ world. Best wishes with all those BIO[fillintheblankswithsomeunpronouceablewordormedicalterm) classes.
Dave
December 25, 2011
Your blog is awwweesome 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story as always
Bernadette
January 14, 2012
Honestly, I followed your posts on Huffington Post for a while but then I spaced out on them — I missed so much on my return. I’m soooooo proud of you!!! In school, going on to grad/med school! That’s so amazing. I’ve never been to med school but if it’s anything like grad school I can tell you that the experience is far more wonderful than undergrad. Fly high and fly far.
calebdb8
March 18, 2012
Thanks for posting.