So, nearly a month in and I think it’s safe to say that I am officially a college student. Not that I wasn’t a student before, but now at a college that can give me a degree in Psychology, getting more and more excited about my education while becoming more and more aware of the insane amount of reading that goes with being a full time student. I must say that I am moved back to an overwhelming feeling of awe for those adults whom are able to juggle this, the family, the relationship, the work etc. With all these super important balls flying around in the air, I can’t help but think that at some points in the day/week/month/year, the balls must look like big scary knives threatening to slice down and kill at any moment.
Being an adult is sometimes very hard.
I haven’t taken the time to write here in quite a while, an intentional move in that with school beginning, a two year plus relationship to tend to – they say that this is when the honeymoon phase is over – and of course, trying to participate in that self-care thing, I worry that public self-reflection will cause much added grief. Which is ridiculous because I am releasing a book that is entirely self-reflection, haha, a book I wrote about myself, which will be super public and super un-takeable-backable. So maybe when I say I worry that the self-reflection will cause much grief it’s all bullshit. Maybe I should call bullshit on myself.
I should call bullshit.
I think what has been happening, with the lack of writing and checking in is that after this last time reading through the book, after this last time of reading every single word I’d crafted, most with the help of my wonderful sherpa Sarah, I am kind of experiencing this “holy fucking shit” moment. Not regret- I’m not regretting writing the thing. Not regretting releasing. Maybe living? And yes, I do no wish to forget the past, and I will not shut the door on it, but some of the things I am now seeing that have been part of my life, from the way I drank to the way I partied to the way I thought, man. It was all so destructive.
I am a demolition expert.
I am trying to be better at construction.
Of course the double edged sword in having a personal blog over a period of years, is that in addition to being able to see how far I’ve come (in terms of writing abilities, mindset etc), I can also see from where I came. And some of that vision is terrifying. Because it’s all just a few steps away, isn’t it?
I few left-footed steps in the wrong direction, and I’ve lost the beat of the dance.
A tiny adjustment to a sail, and five hundred yards later, I’m totally off course.
I am trying to keep my affairs in order, to trust that all is as it should be, to believe in that which is greater than myself, but still, there is a struggle. Even with all the proof that has filled my pudding.
A wonderful man, who gave me the most wonderful Valentine’s Day present ever. Literally, the best present I’ve ever been given. A Valentine’s Day handwritten love letter. With a Valentine’s Day love letter preamble.
Enrolled full-time in a good school where I’m confident that I belong, and not afraid of where my ideas have been formed or the voice with which I get to speak.
Incredible relationships with my family, my Dad, Mom, Step-Dad, Mr. Man’s parents, all these wonderful parents in my life, after what feels like a lifetime without. I couldn’t be a more blessed child.
A book on the way, lady friends I can trust, mentors and heros. A legitimate job, a paid-in-full car, not a single trace of her, except of course, in my feminist ethics class where I have some anecdotal evidence to support my ideas about you know what. Ha. The support system that surrounds me still takes my breath away, because the second I close my eyes and wish to fall away, it isn’t simply that the support is there, it’s that wonderful, passionate, inspiring people are whispering about what I could be seeing if I have the courage to open my eyes, all while gently propping me up. I have learned to trust not only the process, but also the people within that process. Intimacy, while difficult and complex, is no longer an abstract concept that makes alligator tears in my eyes. It’s something I get to live, to breathe, to experience, with every cell in my body.
And so I end this post with love. With confusion and hesitation. WIth gratitude and humility (please release from me…). With a teensy bit of impending doom, which I’ve been told is a super natural place for an addict to be. And with the firm belief that not only will everything be okay, but also, that it already is. School will be hard. Life will be full. Relationships take work, and are totally worth it. I will not do any of these things perfectly. And I am okay with that.
Invisible Mikey
February 15, 2012
I believe you are reconnecting with, and remembering your own sense of wonder, a mighty good thing to have for children of all ages. It’s a positive indication of re-integration after trauma. And I ADORE “un-takeable-backable”.
Come on back in here as little or as much as you want, and we’ll get here when we can, too. It’s your art. You set the timetable.
Bill M.
February 15, 2012
You are a very expressive and vivid writer, Jennie. This post was a joy to read.
I’ve been a marketing and public relations professional for over 20 years. I’m working on my fourth screenplay. So I recognize good writing when I see it. And I see it here in your post.
It’s not just how you construct your sentences. Or the words you choose. It’s the genuine emotion and openness — and *sweetness* — that I read here. You have a gift.
I can’t wait to read your book — although, to be honest, I’m much more interested to read about your present and future…here, in these blog entries. The Jennie Ketcham you were is nothing compared to the Jennie Ketcham you will be.
And, in the meantime, you’re one hell of a Jennie Ketcham now.
Which means, apparently, you’ve already *become* Jennie.
Congratulations.
Melvin
March 20, 2012
Bill M. I could not agree more, to be honest I hate reading but couldn’t pry my eyes away until I was done. That in my opinion takes a lot of talent!! You have my support Jennie ; )
salmacis99
February 15, 2012
Jennie, I must tell you. I loved reading this post. I loved it because not only was it beautifully written, but it showed how much you’ve really grown as a person. Life is sometimes a frantic dance of happiness and sadness- and sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s leading. But you have so many good things in your life- that YOU built (or re-built), that even if sadness or worry or stress are leading the dance, you know that you’ve got a legion of loving people in your life to step in and keep things right. And you worked very hard to make that happen. Congrats to you, for everything that you’ve accomplished. I hope that your book becomes a smash, and that everything else you do is smashing as well
Pragmatic Realist
February 15, 2012
I don’t what to say. You said it, and it’s all good and right.
Tony V
February 15, 2012
Very thoughtful post.
My favorite piece is perhaps the most simply stated:
“I am a demolition expert.
I am trying to be better at construction.”
Kevin
February 16, 2012
Sounds like your waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life’s good, things couldn’t be better, but its just a matter of time before something goes wrong, or you sabotage it. Its okay, to be afraid. But be reassured by the fact that its sounds all the external parts of your life are good and supportive. Also that if anything will go wrong, it will because of something from within. The upside is you sound like your in a much more stable place in your life than you’ve ever been. So if the one element in your life that can make this all fall apart is you, and your stronger and more stable then you’ve ever been, then I don’t think you have any real interest in letting that happen.
michael92105
February 16, 2012
Very nice. Glad you’re back. Sincere congratulations on your progress in all areas. Life, truly lived is full isn’t it?
CH
February 16, 2012
go You. that’s all that really needs to be said here. to do things perfectly is to give Yourself no reason to try again, or improve, or learn. imperfection is the key, and because everything will be better from this point onwards.
Zephyr
February 16, 2012
“It takes great wisdom to realize that all feelings are legitimate: the positive, the negative, and the ambivalent.”
- Dr. Haim G. Ginott
Progress, not perfection. Keep up the excellent work Jenny.
D
February 16, 2012
Jennie, your post, which I’ll selfishly admit I’ve missed, was wonderful. It is good to see that you are embracing your life with confidence and not self-doubt. The great focused woman you have become has enabled the supportive people to be there for you. And, I know for myself this is the hardest part, you have allowed yourself to be open to them and their support. And though you can’t and probably will never see all the supportive people, we/they are out here sending energy and good thoughts.
Every day I begin my work day by looking at your blog, among other things, hoping for a new post. And have always been glad to see one and worried – for a very short time – when I didn’t. I was pleasantly surprized to see a new post this morning. I knew that you were starting school, which can be scary, and that you’d finished your book and were going over it, which can in some ways be scarier than writing it. I told myself you were living your life and I see I was right – and growing stronger every day. Keep up the good work.
Erin
February 16, 2012
Congratulations on school and all of your progress, Jennie. I can’t wait to read the book!
Bill from Ohio
February 16, 2012
Jennie, I can’t wait to read your book when it comes out. I’m so happy for you that your life is going in such a positive direction and that you have avoided becoming the train wreck that so many previous adult performers unfortunately became after their “careers” in the industry ended. You are intelligent, talented, attractive, thoughtful and caring and these attributes will guarantee your happiness and success in the future. I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts over the years.
Mike Jackson
February 16, 2012
Dress modestly.
Hoosier
February 17, 2012
So happy for you, finally on a road that is genuine and constructive! And, you also display a proper sense of gratitude for all your improbable blessings. Please keep us advised as time and all your worthy commitmets permit!
michael92105
February 18, 2012
Hi Jennie–I just had to let you know your post has stayed with me since I first read it. You are truly an inspiration…I couldn’t help but think on some the fear you are experiencing due to how (more) vulnerable you may feel the book will make you.
But hey, you are part of the very public legacy of two reality shows and even more, you performed the most intimate acts humans experience on film for all to see and yet…here you are!
Stay close and you will be fine.
PS- what ever became of your crazy neighbor?
Hang in there!
thefreshmanexperience
February 18, 2012
You are an amazing person and excellent writer. I look forward to reading your blogs about your future.
nonymooz
February 19, 2012
thanks
TanaH.
February 19, 2012
As someone who has had those juggling balls turn into knives lately, I really appreciate this post. I have self destructed enough times that I just refuse to do it again and the big difference this time is that I have a great support system, I trust the faculty in my program and I have friends that really care about my success. Learning to reach out and trust is difficult for me. Thanks for showing me how it can be done gracefully.
I have adopted the mantra “Just because everything around me is falling apart doesn’t mean I have to.”
I appreciate your thoughts and I think that looking back at the abyss can be almost as scary as looking into the abyss.
Stewart Forgie
February 19, 2012
Jennie, That is the nicest thank you letter I have ever had the privelige to read.
davy
February 20, 2012
“…a paid-in-full car…” There go the bus people vignettes.
Steve in Toronto
February 21, 2012
You said, “With a teensy bit of impending doom, which I’ve been told is a super natural place for an addict to be.”
Thanks, I needed to hear that. Very timely. I’ve kicked my habit, but as you know, it’s a daily struggle.
Very happy for you.
Jay
February 21, 2012
I’m happy that you found happiness and a fullness outside of that industry. It grinds people to dust but you pulled out of there and are flying high! Congrats are in order and I’m sure that none of us will take offense if you can’t write during the mids/finals week. Which reminds me, I gotta buckle down early myself to make sure that I don’t slip up. Good luck Jennie!
Gil
February 22, 2012
Happy Birthday!!! I wish I had an address to send you flowers.
Manny Wordsmith
February 22, 2012
Happy Birthday!!!
Dave
February 23, 2012
Heya Jennie. So glad to see another blog post from you, I always love reading these. I know for me they always seem to pick me up, watching how you’ve gone through life and reclaimed yourself (or at least in the process of) really brings about a sense of confidence for me and, even if only temporarily, melts away the fear and problems that I hold. Reading your posts helps to give me the courage to do what I want in life, and to follow what I love, even if I am absolutely terrified to do so.
Thank you for all that
You are doing so great and I hope in a few years I can be in a position looking back like you are now and be proud of my achievements. We all have the potential… I guess it’s just a matter of showing yourself love and taking action. The only way out is through, eh? 
Keep it up Jenniiiee!
firstverb
February 24, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
If you could please forgive my belatedness. I hope you had the most amazing birthday yet dear lady. I hope you were able to use the terms “cup cake” and “sugar rush” somewhere in your day.
On my drive home from work tonight saw a wonderful night sky, it reminded me of this quote I saw the other day.
Let me fly, let me see things that are hidden from other eyes. ~Sonya Hartnett
Maybe not so much that the stars are hidden, but just that they’re not being paid attention to. The amazing amount of twinkles in the night sky. If someone can look up into that sky and not feel awe of how small the world really is. Well they’re just not doing it right.
I know it will be, but I must reinforce it by telling you, have a great year Miss Jennifer. Please get a extra hug, happy birthday, and Happy Friday.
Have a glorious day.
I hope you can glean some meaning from my incoherent ramblings, it’s been a long few days.
L.C.
February 24, 2012
Dear Jennie,
Have been out and about and not checked in for a while as I guess it is the same with you. By the way, happy birthday a Washington baby?
This most recent post is most interesting because it seems to say in your absence from this pubic forum you might be at a cross roads after two years of etc book, boyfriend, recovery, new friends, blog, new family. That sort of stuck me as I find daily I am at cross roads. The more I contemplate this the less these cross roads seem like Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken”.
In school we theorize about the road not taken or the road we choose. But really it is the more subtle choices that matter most. How do we live on that road whichever one it is?
This struck me. “Of course the double edged sword in having a personal blog over a period of years, is that in addition to being able to see how far I’ve come (in terms of writing abilities, mindset etc), I can also see from where I came. And some of that vision is terrifying. Because it’s all just a few steps away, isn’t it? I few left-footed steps in the wrong direction, and I’ve lost the beat of the dance. A tiny adjustment to a sail, and five hundred yards later, I’m totally off course.”
Are you really “totally off course” for just a tiny maladjustment of sail? Or are you just now acutely aware of what it takes to be in community with your self and your community? What I hear from you is how hard it is to stay connected, to understand your environment and be understood by others; and do this in a meaningful, supportive connected way. And how easy it is to cross that line to being dogmatic, assertive, combative, disregarding the needs of others. But my guess is when you speak of your destructive past this is only an esteem version of not acting communally. Perhaps now you are acutely aware how easy it is meet your needs at the expense of others and see immediately the dangers of others meeting their needs at your expense.
What I am guessing you are saying is it is not the return to alcohol that bothers you it is how easy it is to revert to those behaviors of isolation that we all use so unsuccessfully to protect our selves. Is it those non-life serving fight or flight responses, actually work to minimize connection, understanding, compassion, and responsibility to others and ourselves? Is it just a little switch in intention that switches us from a communal approach to fight and flight responses — “A tiny adjustment to a sail”?
So may the winds blow that your sails remain full and your ruder trim with connection whether you jib or tack, whether wind and seas are either in your face or at your back; the course is not nearly as important as whether you walk with or in completion to those on Robert Frost’s paths. Is that it? Good luck Kid, LC
jd
February 27, 2012
Interesting things about the car–
I can Remember Penny Loving her Mercedes, Jennie Dreading Losing the Mercedes, but knowing it had to be done, Jennie taking a bus to work, Jennie Happy that she got a Bicycle to ride to school and work, and now Jennie Happy that she’s got a car paid in full.
It’s also wonderful to see you reaching your full growth potentional as a Human Being from the point were you first started.–It lets me know that Hope is alive somewhere.
ecwashere
February 29, 2012
I loved Yankee Stadium with its history & tradition, its overall “richness” and depth. So when it was to be “replaced,” I thought all richness & tradition would be lost with it. But looking around, I really saw that it had become, in fact, “beat” and embarassing – and while the South Bronx tooks its enevitable toll like an advancing desert, the Stadium actually looked like it belonged in NJ (aye! sorry…). And the rest is so it goes…
Now, this is why I love Milton Erickson MD, a pioneer in therapeutic metaphor and “healing stories.” The healing story here is that a demolition “expert” can whack the shit out of the structure & haul it away, but retain the original foundation on which to build again. Better engineering, better insight, better assistance, better outcome. Voila!
And should you wish to play me for the dumbass I frequently am with the question, “What if the foundation is cracked?” I would respond that you then find yourself on Axis II, “curiously” unaware of the perilous state of your imminent collapse (and – by analogy – you do know what I mean!), and these matters would never concern you.
“What did you study in school, Mommy?”
“Controlled demolition, baby.”
Taylor
March 2, 2012
Curious way to catalog your life.
Organization of thoughts are interesting.
I wonder if this way of collection helps with figuring out life’s many problems.
Steve Dew
March 6, 2012
Still learning of your life, by following rehab in the uk, so this is fast forward, but so pleased to see your positivity, I wish you all the success in your studies, I am sure you will be able to use your past experiences to help many people going forward.
I hope your relationship with Mr Man goes from strength to strength, you deserve to be happy and experience real love, I wish that for you.
I look forward to following your life’s ups and downs, but mainly ups eh!
Love and prayers.
firstverb
September 11, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
wow and the revelations just keep on coming. When you wrote the above you were going through so many possible life altering decisions that could have gone so horribly wrong. It is hard to imagine what an incredible man you have. SO many others in this world would have turned on you. They wouldn’t have considering the circumstances or would have listened to so so friends to drop you and cut losses. And if that had happened could you have continued, would you have fallen, spiraled out of control. I would hope that the rest of your support group would try to take up where he wasn’t. I am so happy that you didn’t have this happen to you. So very happy that you didn’t have this happen to you. I wasn’t aware that you hadn’t considered yourself an alcoholic before now. There are so many things in this world that are mind altering, that we use to loose ourselves in. Please stay on plan, one day after another, day after day. Yes I reread this post after viewing your new vid for PRC. So much anguish and pain and heartaches felt in these words after seeing those videos. I wish I could send this to you and not post it here for the masses. Almost put Mr Mans name in this so you wouldn’t approve this post, but didn’t want to risk permanent blockage here also. He has so much love for you, so much. Love is so many things it is understanding and forgiveness and giving of yourself. I can understand why he wanted you to press charges, against that person that took advantage of you while you were in that altered state. They were possibly even pouring drinks into you. Forgive me if I’m wrong but isn’t that the same sort of thing roofies does? And if this person knew you had a predisposition for blacking out, then it was a premeditated thing and is rape. If this person did it to you, they might also do it to others, predators should be punished. I hope Mr Man isn’t the type to take revenge, he needs to be by you and not in jail. I’d probably be in jail if something like this happened to my wife or daughters. I am very happy that you are now taking the proper steps to help this addiction. Also happy to see you have started writing for Renew, so many possible new people which your words will help. Have a happy rest of your week. smiles dear lady.