I seem to have a nasty little habit of self-neglect. This is something that has become glaringly obvious in the past few weeks, as I’ve renewed my commitment to sobriety. Emotional, substance, mental, behavioral, the whole lot of compulsive and addictive behaviors are packed neatly into a treasure chest of addiction, no more to be separated and looked at individually as if one where somehow different or better or less worse than the other. They are stored, shelved, not in plain sight but not hidden away, and the things that remain are my thoughts, my mind, and my tendency to refuse that which will make me better.
My wrist is still sprained from when I got door-checked on my bike last May. A sprain that could have taken less than two months to heal has now controlled my life for ten months. I can’t do a proper downward dog or pushup and though these are seemingly small issues compared to the larger, more life-threatening ones that I have faced, they are issues that speak volumes to the way I see and treat myself. I can convince myself that if I don’t look at it, don’t put a ton of pressure on it, and make small changes in the way I use it, the sprained wrist will heal itself and all will be well in the world of yoga, life and recovery. This is the furthest thing from the truth, as any good doctor will tell you (and did tell me, ten months ago). It needs to rest. Be stabilized. Only slowly should it be put back into use and with plenty of rehabilitation.
I had laughed at the doctor when he said rehabilitation. It’s a wrist for fuck’s sake! I only use this thing for downward dog and pushups!
That was a lie though because it appears that I use it for plenty. Writing this blog requires my wrist. Driving a car requires my wrist. Grabbing my wallet from my backpack to pay for cheap and not-very-good coffee at school requires my wrist. Taking notes, drying my hair, eating froyo, snuggling Sauce and kitty, all of these things require my wrist. It turns out the case is not that my wrist sprain hasn’t healed over the past ten months. It’s that I keep spraining it, over and over again, as if I were to sprain it enough times it would become immune to pain. Like I am the strongest woman in the world, and the only one who doesn’t need to stabilize and rehabilitate a sprained wrist.
Mr. Man has been telling me since I flew off the bike and into the middle of the street that I need to wear one of those braces, the kind you wear when you are a kid and learning how to rollerblade, or old or kind of old with carpel tunnel. “Stupid brace,” I thought, laughing at him, “No, I will just use this.” I wrapped it with silly gauze, a bandaid on a gunshot, and proceeded to re-sprain my right wrist for the ten following months. But isn’t that how it goes?
We can only spend so much time participating in devastating behaviors until it no longer makes sense. I realized this in yoga the other day, as I struggled through chataranga propped up on my knuckles, like some bleeding warrior with one last thing to prove. I thought, What the fuck am I doing? It doesn’t make sense that I would even attempt to put pressure on the sprain until it had healed properly. At some point I decided that it would heal just fine as long as I manipulated the way in which pressure was applied. Such manipulation is only good for using addicts. And even for them, it’s just more wreckage.
As I mentioned, I’m renewing my commitment to sobriety, to recovery, and subsequently, to life. There was a lull, and looking back, probably a year and a half now where recovery has not come first. My primary purpose as not been to be sober and help other addicts/alcoholics achieve sobriety. If I am to really make amends to myself for the years of pornographic, alcoholic and compulsive behavioral destruction, then I must focus on that which will create the space for amends. I must remain in the recovery world, focused on that which will keep me sober. I must take care of myself, even if it means wearing a hideous brace that is fuzzy and sticks to everything, especially velcro – which a surprising amount of my things seem to have. Which I didn’t notice until I started wearing the stupid brace.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I am to stay sober — if I am to walk on this earth with the grace and integrity of which I know myself to be capable — then self-care, even in the most simple of forms, must take the shape of me actually caring about myself.
botsal
March 6, 2012
Prolotherapy is the ticket for sprains that don’t heal.
Gary
March 6, 2012
I think the sprained wrist is sort of a play on other things going on in your life, but man, I tell ya, I sprained my left wrist 3 years ago and to this day it still bothers me. So, I feel you homegirl, I friggen feel ya.
michael92105
March 6, 2012
You are awesome! Don’t beat yourself up, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue on with a little sense of humor about this important lesson you learned. We all drift from time to time. Experiences like this keep us growing and enable us to enjoy life even more! You’re doing great…stay close.
sogetthis99
March 6, 2012
Wish I could inject something profound but I’m all about wrist care here (from an amateur). For when you’re able to do a push up with your wrist brace tightened as tight as circulation will allow…I had a hard time doing push ups because of the pressure on my wrists. I corrected that by stacking 2-2 foot long four-by-fours on each end of a 1-1/2 x 1-1/4 36″ long piece of wood they in stair and deck railings. This did two things. Changed the push-up angle putting more stress on my chest muscles and reducing strain on my shoulders (my objective) and also changed the floor-wrist angle so my my wrists weren’t bent back at a sharp angle. As far as a downward dog…might want to try that at home to make sure the long stick doesn’t slip off the 4x4s before trying at the gym in front of people.
For better advice might I suggest Jillian Michaels or Livestrong.
Cheers!
Charles Baird
March 6, 2012
You should truly be proud of yourself right now. It only took me 20 years to realize I needed to take care of my physical being as well as my mental self. I concentrated so hard on staying clean that I let other things go thinking they’ll heal in time. Take care of that wrist and in a few weeks you’ll be back to doing push-ups and a downward dog. Good luck to you.
Brian
March 6, 2012
My Mom is a recovering alcoholic for just over 33 years now. She still works on staying that way and sponsoring people to work on theirs. So, good for you on staying strong & recognizing what you have to do Jennie. Being around recovering addicts I sure know the ups and downs that go with it.
firstverb
March 6, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
Me too. A foot, right foot to be specific, has for me been hurting since last October. Six months as opposed to your ten. I sit it feels fine, I stand it feels fine; it’s that horrible pain of transition that gets me. It takes about 15 min for the pain transition to complete and then it’s fine. Crazy. Had it x-rayed, nothing. My wife has been telling me to wear this such and such brace to bed. It’s suppose to fix something. I say it’s not that for 5 months. Well she gets me the brace 2 weeks ago, tells me she’s tired of me complaining, and to sleep in it. I sleep fitfully in it, thinking what is this thing really suppose to do. I get up the next morning expecting the same excruciating pain to shoot through my foot. Nothing. It’s gone. It feels fine. One freaking night’s sleep and it’s fixed. (well not completely fixed but that’s what the brace is for) Why do we have to be so hard headed? Is it something we are born with or do we accumulate this thick cranial tissue over time? No really it’s a question. It seems like my kids have inherited some of this specific gene from both me and the Mrs. I guess it’s part of that old nature vs. nurture argument.
I’m happy to read your words again Miss Jennifer they’ve been missed. Very much looking forward to the July 10th release date of your book. I know school, life, friends, work, Mr Man all require your undivided attention day after day. Thank you for using some of your precious time for this blog. Hope the wrist heals soon. Enjoy the world around you.
Have a glorious day.
Luis Santiago
March 6, 2012
Hey, don’t worry, it’s for your own good. You’ll recover and be better a 1000%! Peace!
Invisible Mikey
March 6, 2012
Well, well. There, there. (pat…pat) Tsk, tsk!
Wear your brace. You can’t exercise your way out of a sprain, but you’ve now completed the research project to prove that conclusively (so shuddup, Captain Obvious).
Aside from the component of denial of self-care, which I don’t doubt, you might forgive yourself for being hard-wired for optimism like everyone else. Nearly all my patients wait longer than they ought to before getting medical care. Most of them are not recovering addicts. They want to believe that if they wait, “it will get better”. And, by gum, sometimes it does! Everyone wants to believe they will be the lucky one, which is how lotteries work. Bodies are truly amazing. Except when it turns to pneumonia, or a chronically painful condition. It’s usually your loved ones that tell you, “Go to the doctor already!” I don’t think I’ll ever be short of work.
Pragmatic Realist
March 6, 2012
Maybe you could start by not calling the brace bad names like “stupid”, “hideous” and “fuzzy”. It’s only trying to help you.
I sometimes wear a cervical collar around my neck to sleep when my neck and shoulder start to hurt. It’s kind of ratty and beat up, but I am quite fond of it because the pain stops a few minutes after I put it on. 🙂
It sounds like you are having a bit of a dark night of the soul. It had a beginning, and it will have an end. It’s probably because you finished the book.
Max
March 6, 2012
Took a spill myself this Sunday. Fortunately as damaged. Nonetheless I’m still reminded when rising from the floor about the value of my wrists. Best of luck on rehab.
My back and legs have tried lately reminding me I am mortal and weak.
wills
March 6, 2012
I dislocated my shoulder three years ago snowboarding. It was a real bummer because I had this childhood dream of being a rock climber. So I started lifting weights and doing pull-ups. After two years my shoulder healed and I can climb again. Things heal slow like…
naomi
March 7, 2012
thank you for this posting, I have been struggling with the same and this has helped evaluate and respond.
Your ‘shares’ are always wonderful.
Thank you.N
Dave
March 7, 2012
I hear that Jennie. For some reason taking care of yourself is so difficult. We humans seem to have a hard time showing love to ourselves, and I still haven’t quite understood why. You’re certainly on a solid path though, and have done so much! Even your writing of this blog helps so many (including me). So if you feel an urge to be more helpful to others and to aid them in their addictions and in turn taking care of yourself, I think that’s a wonderful idea. But remember, you do a lot here too 🙂 Show yourself some love for that
Hoosier
March 7, 2012
I once sprained my ankle and thought it a minor inconvenience until I had to spend the following eight weeks on crutches. Your initial attitude toward your own injury is not uncommon at all. But your present one is commendable and, again, bespeaks your newfound maturity and self-discipline. Continued good wishes for your physical recovery and dedication to maintaining your hard-won sobriety!
Zephyr
March 7, 2012
“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why the great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.”
Blaise Pascal
Thanks for sharing Jenny. Service is more beneficial than selfishness, I reap more than I sow.
Frank Roberts
March 7, 2012
I’ve never understood why the fuzz has to be all over those braces….Been reading this on and off for a while now and just wondering – apart from all the affirmations and introspection – what makes you laugh these days. What makes a moment more whimsical than all the rest?
ecwashere
March 8, 2012
I’m thinking you need a new “filed under,” that being an “in recovery day.” Earned, settled, mature, “just part of the normal process of living” day. Some things we are just entitled to experience because we are adults, addictions considered, but aside. And if what I’ve read about you is correct, according to Erik Erickson’s developmental stages, as of your last birthday, you are now considered a card-carrying “adult.” Oorah!
So, you know this is not a “simple sprain,” and “self-help fuzzies” is lame medicine at this point. While I tip my Padre’s hat to Mr. Man for being on the right track, you need to see your doctor. And even I’m laughing that I should be giving such advice! I once went to a girl’s high school basketball game as a resident to see a friend’s daughter play, & two girl’s crashed. They were both on the floor crying, but one was sobbing and holding her knee as her mother was calling out, “Is anyone a doctor?” I’m freaking, thinking all I can do is administer the Beck Depression Inventory and call for a consult, while my friend is laughing uncontrollably. Fortunately, an heroic EMT father raced to the scene as everyone (including me) collectively exhaled.
Now, was that advice? OK, you got me there. Was it unsolicited advice? Yeah, you got me there too. Hey, do what you want. You’re an adult now.
Stewart Forgie
March 8, 2012
I don’t think it’s so much a case of not caring about yourself enough Jenny. I think it’s being in too much of a hurry in getting where you want to be. Just take it easy, slow down, listen to the advice of those who know and take time to smell the roses.
CanadaPat
March 9, 2012
I spend a lot of time thinking about how we as humans respond to weakness or vulnerabilty. Our own and others. It really blows my mind how we react with contempt toward things that ask us to care for what is less than how we want it to be.
I think a major flaw in our “design” is found in our disgust reflex. We involuntarily curl a lip at a fresh doggy poo the same as at a homeless person passed out on the sidewalk. It’s a natural reflex to potentially hazardous things in our environment. No one chooses the reaction. Yet few think past this natural warning system to the complicated and suffering person provoking that disgust.
Some, disappointingly go so far as to punish the person suffering, even when they have been victimized. This is the most tragic thing for me. Often our own natural defensive reactions make us harder to care for even when we are legit victims. “The best defense is a good offense” is the primal emergency protocol in our brains. Anger is a protection emotion always preceded by pain and fear. 100% of the time for everybody.
I think this dynamic is why we go into the kind of denial which leads to neglect. We are disgusted by our own weakness.
I think different parts of our own psyche (the defenses) can contaminate other parts (like our self-esteem). Same as some organs in the body can pollute other organs when ruptured. I think until our self relationship is maturely formed, contained and protected from different defense parts of own ourselves and other people denial is a function of emotional freezing until safety can be found and healing occur.
Kent
March 10, 2012
Reblogged this on Spiritual Drift and commented:
I “met” Jennie a little over a year ago watching a repeat of Celebrity Rehab on VH1. To me, she is a source of inspiration, strength and courage in her fight to live a “normal” life away from addiction and notoriety. Her story and strength have helped me overcome my own addiction(s) and I hope she continues to be an inspiration and role model to young women and people in general for years to come.
L.C.
March 14, 2012
Dear Jennie,
I was just reading over the responses to your post and the thought came to me that they are largely stories about how your readers “are right now” in regards to some injury they have had to recover from. It is sort of the friendly response that say happens when a parent is holding a screaming child in the grocery store checkout line and an old lady knowingly take ones wallet pays the clerk caries ones grocery bags out of the store for you. Or a friend comes over and signs your cast.
I guessing we all want to be in a community where others hear and understand us — not that we want sympathy or to be fixed — just understanding. Like the parent with tantrum child there is not much anyone can do except say, “I know how much you would like to blend into the floor of anonymity”. So is it also true here in Jennie’s blog, virtual reality, and cyber space? Is there a neighborhood of support for our fellow human kind? Friends in sense, those who have been here for a long time tend to think of a conversation among equals with out destination or end a dialog among neighbors who know each other not.
Oh! my story about how I am right now. Is being depressed about all the recovery work and stupid things I would have to do and could not do after shoulder surgery– was well; debasing, depressing and demeaning; before, during, and after. I never doubted the decision to go under the knife to have shoulder fixed and endure the lengthily depressing rebuilding of muscle destroyed by the “fixing operation”. Been there Jennie, and hated every minute of it, but oddly it was intellectually rewarding and physically a godsend. That’s how I am right now. Good luck Kid, LC
elusivemark
March 14, 2012
We want you back were you belong.
Miss Conduct
March 15, 2012
Boy could I ever relate to that. I did it with both wrist and ankle. I just strapped ’em up and didn’t even miss a workout, because I was furious that they had failed. This was years ago. They both healed eventually, and I’m now more careful about all my joints and connective tissue.
My current sponsor tells me at least twice a week to allow myself to be human. At 16 years, and in my mid-40s, this is astonishingly hard to remember to do! Maybe you can get a head start on me.
WDJ
March 16, 2012
I am addicted to porn. I can’t love my girlfriend the way I want to. I don’t feel attracted to her. I only want sex with the images coming my computer screen. I have had two girlfriends in 11 years. I never feel fully comfortable around my girlfriend who lives with me. She is one of the kindest, most supportive, loving, intelligent and talented women I have ever met. She is not my physical ideal but she is beautiful in many ways. She’s very demonstrative – very high intensity (she tells me she loves me almost all the time (I was the first one to say “I love you” – but after so many years alone I wonder if I was really talking out of excitement than a deep feeling). I want to love her. I want to feel joy and passion when I am with her or think of her but right now I don’t and I have been trying since October to get to this place.
The only peace I feel is when I am looking for porn on the internet. Once I have found what I am searching for – usually the “impossibly beautiful, straight from Heaven” type – I am almost instantly disappointed and left feeling empty. I don’t enjoy sex with my girlfriend as much as I would like and I don’t want to have sex with her most of the time. I hate myself for what I am putting her through; I’m not a mean person and I hate hurting people – she deserves so much better. I do everything I can to be good to her, and she tells me that I do very well by her, but I feel like I am living a lie. I want to be better, be more connected and in love with her, but I feel powerless to change my feelings or overcome my addiction.
When I purge porn out of my life I get horribly depressed because I am left dealing with the pain of my relationship and a job that drains me of my will to live. I have the faint hope that without porn I will be able to become closer to this wonderful woman who entered my life completely unexpectedly, like a gift from God.
I’m not misogynist but at times I have been a misanthropist. I have had the best female role models and I have a great appreciation for women, but years of dealing with a mentally unstable father, severe childhood bullying and my own obsessive/compulsive behaviors has made me isolated, alienated and disconnected from others. Porn became apart of my life rather innocently during puberty and then it took it over (killing hours a day searching for the next fix).
I have a highly addictive personality. I have been addicted to legal and illegal drugs and was an alcoholic for a couple of years. I currently smoke a half pack a day and try to avoid drinking (occasionally slip, but pretty good overall). I exercise. I do yoga. I meditate and I medicate with benzos to help me sleep. I think about killing myself because there is no joy or hope in my heart. I only choose to keep living because I know that the pain it would cause is too unfair a burden to place on the people that love me.
I’m riddled with anxiety. I’m constantly depressed. I’m frequently exhausted. My sexuality and sense intimacy are broken.
Help.
How can I fix myself?
michael92105
March 19, 2012
…key word being “were”…always waiting, always waiting…
alias069
March 21, 2012
hello Jennie, you don’t know me, I am no one… but I was wondering how you are doing, and I’m am deeply glad to see you are still strong in sobriety. I am truly happy for you. 🙂 I’m looking forward to reading your memoir someday, and from what little I’ve read on here, I’m sure it will be an interesting read. I like your writing very much. Again, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you are doing well. I’m glad you made it. 😉
theduffboy
March 22, 2012
Please do: take care of yourself. I broke my wrist when I was a kid, thankfully it healed, after the mandatory cast.
Anthony King
March 23, 2012
So, I just spent the good part of my morning reading your ‘about me’ on your old website and siphoning the internet for your articles and blog entries. Not that that sounds completely creepy or anything. *cough* but, I’m a 25 year old male that recently moved to L.A. from the Chicago, I’m from a very small town in Indiana originally and I guess I just feel kind of lost after coming out here. I’ve bartended for five years, done tour work as a band photographer (let’s not talk about the ridiculous money that art school cost me) and dabbled in the industry… so I’m surrounded by alcohol and drugs, as well as a lot of my friends are either musicians or work in the industry, so my personal life doesn’t change much unless I completely cut myself off from the outside world.
I think it’s more of a feeling of loneliness than anything, but who doesn’t feel alone these days? Well, besides those that aren’t, but that’s obvious. I just wanted to let you know that you’re a fantastic writer, you compel things and set the scene for your stories – it makes me feel like I’m truly getting to know you as a person, especially after that mini bio on your site.
I’ve been lost. I am lost. I’m just glad to find someone who seemed like they were in a similar situation but somehow made the best of it and figured her shit out. It let’s me know that I can too.
I’m going to subscribe to your blog, Your writing is something I’d love to have in my daily life. I need a good story or two to take my mind off of things.
If you’re looking for a digital pen pal, choose me.
PJ
March 26, 2012
Saw your tweet through this blog, and decided to post here since I don’t have twitter. Anyways, yea I’m pretty good at confidence intervals, standard deviations, probability, etc…
craig
July 31, 2012
i stubbed my toe…it got infected…turned into toeleo…spread up the leg to the knee and got kneemonio and the kneesles…thank God it did not travel to my groin…it could have turned into smallcox…*insert lafter*
lornawest
June 29, 2013
awareness is great, progress not perfection sweetie, i jsut threw out lots of clothes that no longer suit me, i am changing yay !!!! xox