The funny thing about healing is that you never quite know when you are done. And I guess, you could say, you never know the precise moment when the whole healing process begins. I’ve been on this kind of insane emotional roller coaster for the past few weeks and I’ve had a difficult time pinning down the exact reason. Pre-menstrual? No, no amount of bodily preparation for a monthly friend could make me cry like I did in Hugo, hugging Mr. Man and sobbing, “I miss my grandparents.” Pregnant? No, not that either. Though many people have suggested it’s a possibility, I know that preggo is a no. Sad? No, not really. Actually, pretty happy. A little bit excited even.
Maybe be some unresolved emotional issues around rape? The two friends that died in the past two years? All the shit that has changed so dramatically and the culmination of my twenties, here in this twenty-ninth year?
Oh yes, that’s right, I’m creating a website about healing trauma. Maybe there are some things I haven’t dealt with? (insert lame canned laughter at the obviousness of this revelation)
**side bar: We are moving in a week and a half, partially to have an outdoor space for Saucerton Dogsworth and partially to get away from the crazy you-know-what next door. She is currently stomping up and down her hallway like a madwoman, which is what she does when she believes we are walking too loudly, and I am currently fighting the urge to put on high heels and do bunny hops up and down the hallway for the next thirty minutes, which is why I decided maybe it’s time to sit down and do a little bit of writing. Back to my singleness of purpose.
I was in my Fem Eth class yesterday, and we were asked to share a piece of artwork about our project (my project being the new website), a poem we wrote, and then give a general update on how doing art can open up the project in a new way. I did my art walk, sharing a collage I’d made with unique beds and people’s stories, illustrating that the place of safety is different for everyone, and once we open up and share we can begin to feel safe once again. I read my poem -
When you called
me
whore
You were only
Partially
right.
It doesn’t count
as
choice,
If I can’t
remember
choosing.
And as I finished the poem, I felt the stickiness in my throat, the heaviness of my tongue, the threatening wetness behind my eyes. I thought, Fuck I’m going to start crying, I don’t want to fucking cry in front of thirty chicks in class. I updated the group, very quickly, in that high pitched I’m-totally-going-to-start-crying-at-any-moment voice, and then I sat down. I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth (a makeup artist trick that allegedly keeps tears at bay), and looked at the ceiling. A few salty alligator chunks rolled down my cheeks and I swiped them away, not wanting anybody to see. It’s one thing to cry at a meeting, or some other place, but class? I felt like there is just no way in the world that would do.
The next girl got up and did her art walk. As soon as she opened her mouth, tears began to fall from her eyes. The most courageous person I’ve ever seen, she stood in the middle of that giant circle of thirty desks, and cried as she spoke of her project, and watching her, I began to cry as well. I cried that she was so strong she could share that kind of emotion with us. I cried in self-pity because I could not, I was not in a place where it was okay for me to let those feelings out. I cried for both of us, because we are doing something so close to our hearts that we couldn’t help but feel it from our words to the proteins in our tears.
I’ve been trying to do each of the Daily Meditations I suggest on the site. When I wrote about forgiveness, I tried to let go of the way things could have been and that made me want to cry. I tried to share something I hadn’t been sharing (that I don’t want to make financial amends to Mercedes Benz ahah), and that made me want to cry. Each and every thing I’ve left as a suggestion I’ve attempted to do, and each and everyone made me want to cry. Which I suppose must be a sign that there is still more healing to do.
It’s okay, doing all this crying. Intellectually, I recognize that my body is trying to tell me something, and that I must listen closely if I am to translate the meaning of these tears. Physically, I am trying to allow myself to experience the feelings as they come up, instead of intellectualizing them, deciding what they mean and for how long they should last. Emotionally, I am becoming tired. Tired of crying. Tired of smeared mascara. Tired of still having more healing to do. Spiritually, I’ve never felt so connected.
Something very powerful is at work in my life. And I am grateful. 
BGPB
April 26, 2012
You never finish healing, i don’t think. i hope You will always continue to grow.
KB
April 26, 2012
Thank you for sharing this. The post is beautiful. So is the continual work. It shifts and changes, but it is ever evolving. More toward it, walk next to it.
Tommy
April 26, 2012
Very moving post. Thank you.
chicostephenson
April 26, 2012
some people are stagnant. they think they have it all figured out and refuse to learn any more. i feel sorry for them. some of us are in a perpetual state of learning. we’re the ones that are never bored… or boring
chicostephenson
April 26, 2012
some people are stagnant. they think they have it all figured out and refuse to learn any more. i feel sorry for them. some of us are in a perpetual state of learning. we’re the ones that are never bored… or boring. keep growing. keep evolving. keep going, girl!!!
Invisible Mikey
April 26, 2012
This is such a lovely illustration of the truth that vulnerability, and the honest acceptance of our own pain and shame, is strength. Not as easy after trauma. Worth whatever time it takes to try and get there. I’ve seen how the approach of an old person’s natural death sometimes grants them the full access to emotions repressed since childhood. I hope to earn my way back before then.
foofoo5
April 26, 2012
George Valiant, MD wrote a book entitled, “The Wisdom of the Ego,” and regardless of the incredible information contained in this book, think about the title. The ego functions to protect us by mediating the innate drives resulting in loss of control (id) from the innate maddening shame for the loss of control (super ego). But as we heal, the need for this “protective mediation” of the ego diminishes, and we begin to manage the shame with increasingly healthy alternatives (e.g. identifying and sharing our feelings). And somehow, I believe it is the “wisdom” of the ego that prevents us from “witnessing” our own healing, but accepts satisfaction and assurance from the observation of those we trust. These are recovery days.
I went to a workshop on palliative care in the NICU, and the physician leading the discussion spoke of the loss of his own newborn, openly crying as he told the story. It was my impression that some were especially uncomfortable with his “display” of emotion. I thought, “What a healthy guy!” Have you thought of waterproof mascara?
foofoo5
April 26, 2012
George Valiant, MD from Yale wrote “The Wisdom of the Ego,” a marvellous work, but simply consider the title: the ego protects us by mediating the innate drives that result in the loss of control (id) from the innate shame that results from the loss of control (super ego). As we heal, the necessity for this “protection diminishes,” as we become increasingly capable of managing this shame with healthier actions (e.g. identifying our feelings & sharing them with others, altruism, humor, etc.). I somehow imagine that a protective factor of the ego is to prevent us from “witnessing” every detail of our healing, yet allows feelings of assurance and satisfaction from the observation of others we trust. While I am sorry for your pain, you know it will pass, because these are the “for real” recovery days.
I attended a workshop on palliative care in the NICU, where the physician leading the workshop cried through the short description of the loss of his own newborn. My sense was that there was a lot of discomfort at his display of emotion. My thought was, “What a healthy guy!” Have you considered waterproof mascara?
K in PDX
April 26, 2012
Hi, Jennie –
I’ve been following some of the posts on this Facebook community this week and found them interesting — the theme is trauma, so you might be interested too.
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001757454152
It’s amazing how much emotion bubbles up at inopportune moments as we begin to heal. I guess that will decrease with time, but I’m not sure.
michael92105
April 26, 2012
Dearest Jennie: Another gift…please try to find some comfort in knowing you aren’t ever walking this road alone. Stay close and may God hold you near.
L.C.
April 26, 2012
Dear Jennie,
Welcome to the world of knowing you are on a roller coaster, it was not to long ago you were posting about being numb – immune form feelings. We are all on some kind of coaster just a lot of people are so stoic; they and those around them can’t see the ups and downs. “The Invisible Mikey says” speaks a lot of truth above. You’re doing a lot, there is a lot of change; moving, school, courses that trigger you with self reflection, SurvivingRape.org, revisiting past trauma, failures and successes, the car, rewriting term paper — that just what you have let us in on, there’s got to be more stuff going on — both worthy of crying for joy and worthy crying for fear.
My guess if one has prided themselves on being stoic being surprised by surprise emotion is a bit unnerving when recovering from being numb. Like wow, Where did that come from? Why? What’s wrong now? Joy I should not feel joy! Safety I’m not worthy of safety! The more wait one bears school, home, work the more zingers pop up. Even with a few years between us I am still surprised when zingers zin.
So when climbing the hill figure out what you will need to get you to the top and what you will need on the way down do the same when going down – it’s just constent checking and self empathy and that for others to – taking care of your self first is taking care of others too. Needs met or unmet are what create feelings. Hell emotions are always all over the place but it is figuring out which of your needs are “being” and “not being met” that guide you to a sounder course. Don’t get me wrong, emotions are wonderful things both of joy and foreboding but finding the underlying need(s) is what allows you to intensify the joy or safely avoid the foreboding.
Life is a coaster, hang on and enjoy the ride it is always full of the most surprising surprises, Good luck, Kid, LC
Max
April 27, 2012
Find the beauty in the pain, it helps. Take strength from the many who want (and will you) to a place a acceptance, happiness and peace.
followtheleaderagain
April 27, 2012
Ditto. Sans the mascara and high heels.
It’s tough when you don’t feel in control of your own life.
michael92105
April 27, 2012
Dear Jennie–Believe me I certainly don’t have this mastered yet. I read it (from Hazelden 24 Hours a Day for April 26) and wanted to share it with you. It may help, as I know I need constant reminding myself.
You sure are a busy lady and finding the space and time to heal on top of everything else must be quite an undertaking. I am glad to hear you’ve never felt so spiritually connected. It’s hard to be human some times
. Hang in there!
Ceaseless activity is not God’s plan for your life. Times of withdrawal for renewed strength are always necessary. Wait for the faintest tremor of fear and stop all work, everything, and rest before God until you are strong again. Deal in the same way with all tired feelings. Then you need rest of body and renewal of spirit force. Saint Paul said: “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” This does not mean that you are to do all things and then rely on God to find strength. It means that you are to do the things you believe God wants you to do and only then can you rely on His supply of power.
M.Q
April 27, 2012
Jennie,
That process we call healing; well it is never really done. It just changes form. Expect it to be a lifelong endeavor that gets easier with each passing day.
Thanks for sharing your life, it helps me connect more to my own healing process.
Luis Santiago
April 27, 2012
Pain never goes away. It does heal, but the scars will always remain.
avi
April 27, 2012
Greetings for a surviver and from a surviver
Many thanks. Toda,
wh.
Bren
April 29, 2012
Hi Jennie
I’m doing a school project on pornography and hope you can help me out a bit..Sine you know a lot about the porn industry, I hope I can ask you if most women who are doing porn are faking it or are they just in a lot of pain, hating every second of intercourse with the co-actor they have to sleep with? I mean, do some women actually enjoy (like actually orgasm and have fun) or is it all as fake as it looks? When I first started my school assignment my initial thought was that it’s all completely fake and only the guy is having fun but the woman is suffering, but I’m not 100% sure on this gut reaction.
becomingjennie
April 30, 2012
First of all, none of these girls “have to sleep with” their co-actors. Though many women in pornography are faced with limited choices when it comes to financial provisions for a family or self, there is still a certain amount of autonomy within the performing community. Plenty of women (myself included when I was a performer) absolutely enjoy the scenes in which they take part. Many of them do not. It really depends on the woman, and the moment at which you ask her. I have a feeling that if you were to ask a performer while she is actively participating in the business (say you’d asked me four years ago), I would vehemently deny that there was anything other than fun being had. But if you were to ask a performer after she has retired and distanced herself from the industry, you’d probably get a much more negative response, something like, “yeah it was fun sometimes, but then other times, it was like making license plates. Not super awesome.” My feeling is that to say they aren’t having fun would create cognitive dissonance, something they’d have to reduce immediately. Hence the “Yes of course this is fun” response while actively participating.
In terms of men, I think it’s easy to misconstrue “having a hard-on” for “having fun.” The vast majority of men are using some sort of penile aid – be it Viagra or an anabolic steroid to maintain an erection – and most are in need of some sort of help to keep “the fun” going. Plenty of times, the guys are having sex with women with whom they don’t particularly care to have sex. All genders, all types, all in the name of a paycheck.
Whatever the correct response is, it isn’t limited to “faking it” or “in a lot of pain.” There is a wide spectrum of participatory enjoyment in the industry, from having no other options and needing to feed (addiction, children, self etc), to women like Belladonna, who are supremely sexual, and thoroughly and lovingly ensconced in that which they do. Those participating in pornography don’t fit into two neat categories, and generally, aren’t there for the reasons we assume. It’s a complex system of desire and necessity, and very difficult to distinguish who is doing what and for what reasons.
theduffboy
April 29, 2012
I wish that recovery takes only the time it requires for you to feel whole and better, Jennie. Greetings from Guatemala.
michael92105
April 30, 2012
Dear Jennie–thanks for the reply to Bren. It sheds some insight into what I suspected. Sex is complicated or maybe the essence of intimacy is. Probably not the right words…you’re the wordsmith
Sometimes trying to figure sex out is like trying to figure out my HP. Then again for some sex is their HP. Can’t wait to read your book. Thanks for all you do.
Zephyr
April 30, 2012
Right on. Great awareness and thoughtful sharing of your insights in healing. Thanks for being you.
Holli
April 30, 2012
You are truly amazing! SUCH an inspiration… I’m tellin’ ya….. you’re definitely someone to rally behind and support. I love the site you’ve created. I truly do.
Hoosier
May 2, 2012
You write so well about such significant things!
Margieville
May 2, 2012
Too much in this day and age we associate crying with weakness. In truth it is really strength. It takes strength to open yourself up to experiencing the emotion that brought the crying. That is why, no matter what the reason for our crying was, no matter how that crying happened, we always feel relief (I wanted to say better, but that is only true some of the time).
travelingb
May 5, 2012
i feel very present after reading your entry. thanks.
Brendan
July 30, 2012
You go, girl. As a recovering lets-get-drunk-and-make-whoopie guy who stays alive on a steady diet of AA and a very slow education in learning to love, for me the first year of physical sobriety was a total rollercoaster as submerged feelings started erupting like basketballs out of the water. So much to feel, fear, grieve, resent, savor, love! Being in my own body instead of a bottle or a someone else was like living on a foreign planet. Healing in those days was a matter of survival; slowly it became a way of life. Healing never stops, or can’t, for the addict. For me it comes down to one of my favorite quotes, from the Gnostic Gospel of St. Thomas: “If you bring out what is in you, what you bring out will save you. If you fail to bring out what is inside you, what you fail to bring out will destroy you.” The process, the journey, never ends. The joy is everything that comes from an ever-growing life. Not that things don’t get difficult — that’s life — but such unforeseen riches unfold in every thing we grow through. Thanks for sharing your story, and for keepin’ on keepin’ on. Congrats on the book–may it empower many to come out of their own unforgiving night! – Brendan