Racked with nerves. Trying desperately to remain unattached. I am not going to read any reviews lest I may believe all of them.
Bullshit. Already read one. It was good. Still don’t want to believe it because if that review is right then so are the ones that will say it is bad, which I’m sure there will be. Believe one, believe them all. That’s the deal.
That’s the deal.
I’ve been feeling like throwing up since my return from Africa. Not from the water, or the delicious Springbocke meatballs, the oryx roast or anything tasty and exotic that I may or may not have tried. Just nerves. A simple case of “What the hell is going to happen,” nerves.
“Whatever is going to happen has already happened. It’s in the gods’ hands now. In fact, it always was in their hands.”
The best and worst part about sobriety (any kind of sobriety, be it emotional, substance, food, etc.) is that I feel every single one of my feelings. Personally, I still have a difficult time identifying all of those feelings (is this excitement or am I seasick?), because the way the feelings hit is like the way waves lap onto the beach. Some smush with others, some squash others, some look like they are going to be huge and scary but then I realize I can touch the ground and stand up. The wave isn’t as bad standing. It’s only bad when I’m up to my nostrils in saltwater and tired of treading water, convinced that deep is much deeper than it actually is.
Releasing a book is definitely a quality problem.
Problème de qualité.
Problema de calidad.
Kwaliteit probleem.
I’m going to stay close. I’m going to stay safe. I’m going to be devoted and faithful to my program. Without that program, none of this is possible.
I just came back from filming Dr. Drew’s show on Headline News. God, it’s validating when they put that little microphone on you. Like, the entire world can now hear every single move you make. Like you will never be alone again. Like what you say carries such great importance, it must be amplified and recorded. Such a slippery feeling. A little tiny microphone and a big slippery feeling. It’s good to know it’s there, addiction, creeping into my life it’s most pure form. Attention. Here it comes.
I admit, there has been a little attention here in this space and that has kept my skies clear. You have helped keep me safe. You have helped keep me accountable. You have let me be accountable to you. And for that I am grateful. Please continue to do so. Please continue to call me on shit. Please continue to remind me of the deadly disease of addiction. Please know that you have all been a sponsor and mentor to me, and I read each of your words, the good, bad and ugly. Please know that without you, none of this is possible.
Here we go. All of us. In this. Together.
Here we go.
Let’s publish a book.
Kristianna Berger
July 9, 2012
It’ll be beautiful and glorious. Mine shipped today. Thinking of you!
In solidarity, Kristianna
Kirsten
July 9, 2012
Jennie, plainly and simply, I love you. I love that you are honest and I love that you value us (the non-miked masses). We love your amplified words and slippery feelings and remember the beauty in all of this is that YOU decide how it shapes you. The good and bad and ugly reviews are all just words.
Big Love
Kirsten
PS nobody would publish a book if it was shite *grins*
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you Kirsten… (god I hope you’re right about the nobody would publish hahaha).
Words. Thick and juicy. Both empty and full. Thank you for yours. xo
sogetthis99
July 9, 2012
I’m sure I’d be on pins and needles too. This is such a personal book. What bad (book) review could possibly be worth anything? “Sorry….you missed the mark. You lied. You’re actually writing about somebody else’s life………AREN’T YOU!?” Come on admit it.
It is YOUR life isn’t it?
sogetthis99
July 9, 2012
I love Ritchie’s post from Count the Coincidences…
“Forgiveness is also about giving up all hope for a different (better?) past”
In your previous public role you may not have had complete control over your audience, but you certainly had a high degree of influence for a very targeted audience. Confidence was (very) high that the audience would like you.
Now you have no control at all. You’ve got guts on steroids. Plus it sounds like highly increased vulnerability/sensitivities. Consider perhaps giving up all hope for a different audience, different readership, different media coverage, 20x more re-writes, and more knowledge at the time of writing (I wish I knew “y” when I wrote “z”). I’m sure your publisher made sure the book is good!
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Totally different audience, right? Such an interesting observation, the total lack of control. Perhaps that’s one of the unidentifiable feelings in my stomach…
Doug Bilodeau
July 11, 2012
If there’s overlap between old and new audience, then those are people who are changing along with you. The ones who are new are drawn to your transformation. If there are any others, any who say “I can’t wait to see her fall on her ass”, then either they will fade away, bored (sad for them), or they’ll start to get it (lucky them!). So, you are at the center of a golden aura, not because you’re “golden girl”, but because the love found you and holds you dear and wants you to keep on becoming. Don’t worry whether it’s large or small, about losing it or seeing it fade away among all the messy details of life. It’s there with you especially in the messy details of life. That’s where the work of becoming gets done. When the day’s work is done, know that you have wings now. Soar.
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Thank you Doug, what a wonderful post!
Stewart Forgie
July 9, 2012
Dear Jennie, Critics, Shmitics. Dont give them a second thought. Critics are people who write about other peoples talents because their own is lacking. Just as you felt validated when they put the mic on you, we feel validated when you acknowledged us. Although most of us will never meet you, I think we all consider ourselves your friend and in that comes responsabilities. So I dont think you need worry about whether we will continue to call you out on all sorts of things lol. Just remember that you are just as much a source of inspiration to us as we followers of your blog have been to you. As I said before, You Rock girl!
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
You rock!!!! Thanks Stewart!!!
John Richard Clinton Maenpaa
July 9, 2012
Hey Jennie,
Are you Afrikaner? Just curious, as I am… Afrikaner, that is…
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
No! But I just returned from Namibia, and have been hearing it for two and a half weeks! Where do you live?
Janet White
July 9, 2012
You will get some bad reviews from some pretensious, academic types whose mission in life is to find fault. Every published author goes through it……..and that’s part of the point, you ARE a published author and you aren’t even 30 yet. Your work was seen to be valuable enough that people in the publishing world wanted to represent your work.
From a recovery standpoint, the success comes from whether or not people read your book and it moves them and/or helps them. Has writing your book been of service to others? The other questions of how many bad reviews, how many books sold, etc. are deflections from what matters. Does your book positively contribute to the lives of others? I think you are beginning an entire lifetime of contributing to the lives of others.
We are with you in thought, love, and spirit!
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
That is my mantra, “I am being of service,” as outlined by my sponsor and friends here like yourself. You are right, the amount of people the book helps will be a measure of it’s success. In fact, knowing what it has done for me is the biggest thing of all.
Thanks Janet, I always enjoy your words…
Steph
July 9, 2012
You are loved, pretty lady. Keep your chin up and be proud.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
xoxo
Peter Holden
July 9, 2012
Best of luck wit the release of the book today Jennie
Whatever the result, always remember this good old piece of advice from Monty Python…
P.S. Hope you got my email with my pre-order receipt!
Jhoop
July 9, 2012
You are awesome!
firstverb
July 9, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
This should be the easy part, I know it’s not, but it should be. I know there is more to it than that, you are a Momma which gave birth to this little child helped it through the process of growing and now want her to go out and get applause at her first recital. I hope the book does well. I want it to do well for you; I want it to be a success and a movie and a tv series, but then maybe not. What if it’s too much of an invasion into the normal that you’ve been cultivating for the last 3 years? I want the success of this book to not affect the direction you have been heading. Yet I know it will, it will change the world in many ways. And do it a lot faster than your other butterflies did. This book is an enormous butterfly, the size of a blue whale and it’ll be changing the air currents of the world for years to come. Man I’m just chock full of metaphors today. Miss Jennifer however it turns out, we the ones that have watched you grow into this amazing human are proud of you. Wishing you peace happiness and well being sweet lady.
Have a glorious day.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you Grant. I appreciate your words and support.
salmacis99
July 9, 2012
Jennie, I struggle with the same problems that you do regarding emotions- what the hell do most of them mean?!? I deal with anxiety issues, and it causes me to question what is excitement, what is fear, what is love, what is that feeling like I’m going to explode….and the list goes on. I’ve learned this: Joy and fear produce almost the same physical reactions in your body- racing heart, blood pressure up, excitement- and again, the list goes on. But the thing is that ultimately WE decide what those feelings are going to be. I’m a musician, but I also have stage fright- so I’m learning to take the anxiety (heart pounding, blood pressure up, feeling a bit crazy) into a POSITIVE. I tell myself that these feelings are excitement about how much fun I’m going to have, how well I’m going to play, and how happy it will make me. It really is all perception. Feel all of your feelings and how they affect your body, but remember that in the end YOU choose what all that energy will produce. And from what I can tell, it’s going to produce a great deal of happiness and fulfillment. Take all that energy that could be fear and make it the fuel for your success- and oh, P.S.- you’re already succeeding! So keep that ball rolling. Feel it all, love it all and know that feeling everything really is the BEST part of sobriety- because you’re you again
Best of luck to you Jennie- everything’s going to be great. We’ve all got your back 
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Disease of perception. Thank you Salmacis, this is a wonderful way of reframing the unidentified emotions, and using them to my benefit. Thank you for sharing what helps with your anxiety… I bet it will help with mine as well.
salmacis99
July 10, 2012
You’re most welcome, Jennie
I’ve learned that it’s all just energy, and we’ve ALL got fight that battle of making that energy good energy. And Mikey is right about reviews- they can be useful tools. If they are in fact genuine critical analysis of your work and not just some jackass looking to slam you. Which leads us back to the whole positive energy thing- Mikey nailed it. The WHY of their review means everything. Those who’ve tried to write and failed are always the most bitter, and they’re the ones who will try to stomp on you. Don’t let them. Mel Brooks once said that the best way to “get back” at someone or put them in their place is to laugh at them. So if you get nasty comments, just laugh- because you’ll be laughing at some bitter never-was, and laughter is always the best medicine 
Thanks for your kind response, Jennie- here’s to all of us helping each other!!!
Invisible Mikey
July 9, 2012
Authors and creators can benefit by learning that reviews may be useful whether positive or negative. It doesn’t really matter whether a critic likes or doesn’t like your book. It matters WHY, and how well they can explain their reasons will indicate the level of validity of their critique, and to what degree you should pay attention to it. I expect some people will distrust your motives for writing it. You’ve exposed enough raw nerve in this space that I don’t harbor those doubts.
I’m certainly going to review it, and I work hard to be an honest critic. Reviewing is evaluation, finding value in what’s under examination. Some of that may be indicating flaws, however that should mean flaws in the work, not in you. This is your story, but it isn’t your whole story. It’s the story of when you reached a fork in the road, and decided to go one way and not another. In that way, it will hold value for others both in similar situations, and situations with a similar dynamic; trauma survivors, children of divorce, people estranged from family members. I’m really looking forward to reading it!
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
It’s a wonderful point that you make, in using the WHY to grow and create something bigger and better next time. Perhaps I will read reviews… (maybe next year hahahahah)…
As always, thanks Mikey, your presence here, support and comments alike, is something for which I am grateful. You help me grow in so many ways. Thank you for being here.
salmacis99
July 10, 2012
Mikey, GREAT advice and analysis! I was thinking that Jennie putting her book out there is like a songwriter releasing a song. Once someone else hears it, it becomes theirs to do with what they will. Songs always mean different things to different people, but they’ll never know what the song truly means to the SONGWRITER. So what really matters is what Jennie’s “song” means to her. Sorry Jennie- I’m talking about you like you’re not here- but in a good way
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
I love it!
Shannon
July 9, 2012
I got an email today saying your book had shipped, I can’t wait to read it…. I understand being nervous because now a whole new part of you IS open and exposed for the world to see and there’s no going back, only moving forward. I am always amazing on the impact that one life can have on the world, one life at a time that can touch countless others…: you are one of them, you have helped me and I’m sure hundreds of others and I’m sure you have just gotten started…. Congrats and thanks for sharing your life, struggles and accomplishments with us.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you for sharing your journey with me Shannon, and for continuing to do so xo
Stephster
July 9, 2012
The only review that I will be paying attention to is my own when I read the book.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Love you Stephster…
Stephster
July 11, 2012
I couldn’t wait til my hardcover arrived. I downloaded it on EBook as well….will write a review once I am finished!
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
You are so funny! (and sweet!!!) Love you Stephster!
Aaron
July 9, 2012
“Let’s publish a book.”
Fuck yeah!
M.Q
July 9, 2012
Acknowledgement is the best step. I am so glad that you are aware of how BIG this is! Savor it, cherish it and celebrate it! Congratulations! I can’t wait to know more about your journey- thank you for sharing…
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you MQ!
Mike
July 9, 2012
Just watched you on Dr. Drew. Congrats on the book. I will be getting it. You are a very strong, lovely young woman. Stay strong and safe. Looking forward to reading more about your journey.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you for your support and kindness.
Confiding
July 21, 2012
One of the things about rehab, recovery…and the 4th step is that it really doesn’t explain how to amend a celebrity…your average sponsor in Porterville wouldn’t have a clue….so we’re basically stuck with the equivalent of apologizing to a mannequin…at least that has been my experience…leaving messages and wanting closure…i’m sure u can understand this…I’m just curious how this can be done…
-Us and Them
RJ
July 9, 2012
I seen you on Dr. Drew tonight and I commend you for telling your story. You speak well, and I downloaded the sample book to my iPad. I’m not going to act like I don’t watch porn, because I do! I don’t judge one for something they do or did do. That is just a small piece of who they are. I also allow a person to change for you never know the day a person wants to change, but we as a society won’t let them. Continue on your journey–you know what is best for you–just as well as I know what is best for me. I take things in moderation, but it took time to find that balance.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Watch away! I think that there are many people in this world that can watch porn without suffering adverse effects. And I applaud you for being able to recognize the small pieces of who we are, and that those small pieces do not comprise our entirety. I hope you enjoy the sample, and keep coming back to this blog.
RJ
July 10, 2012
I just read chapter ONE, was wondering what your thoughts were on the changing of names. Do you think you done well enough not to cause an uproar from the industry or from those individuals included in the book?
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Majority of the industry names are the same. I figured the girls might like the publicity (haha… but seriously, I think they will). The rest of the names, I actually went to each of the people and asked what name they wish I use, and even had a few say keep the name.
I was very careful not to incriminate the innocent.
Frederik
July 10, 2012
Just received it on my Kindle.
Don’t worry about the kwaliteit probleem, it will be awesome!
David F
July 10, 2012
It is so amazing to me to see how far you have come Jennie from 3 almost 4 years ago. There is something about your blog posts I relate to so much. Maybe because you have not been afraid to show that you are human. It makes me feel less alone in the struggles with my own addictions and human struggle. It is 3:00 am by me and I could not sleep. My past was bothering and something told me to go to your blog and what do you know I found some small sliver of inner peace tonight because of you. Thanks Jennie for sometimes being the one thing I need to hear to make me feel not alone, worth something and that if you can change I can change too. Please never stop this blog.
David F
Kevin
July 10, 2012
It’s interesting that you find comfort in being so exposed and so out there where everyone can see you. Where most of us would cower from. Like it gives you worth, or that it qualifies you. Nothing more to say on that, just noticed it. I’m sure you probably understand your self better than I, and know where its coming from.
Anyhoo, people are going to say what they are going to say. Its interesting that people who critique aren’t that different from people who knock people down with insults. It helps them feel better about their own situation when they do. It validates their presence. Qualifies who they are as people. But it doesn’t make it so. They are just opinions. Sure the more qualified people who do this for a living really know how to dissect things and break them down into their parts and analyze and to some extent do actually know what they are talking about. Still, they are just opinions, and nothing more. They are assigning meanings to your book based on their own experiences. So unless they are checking it for grammar, their analysis is really subjective. So their opinions don’t have much weight. In this capitalist environment what really matters is sales. That is the only true metric to gauge the quality of your book.
That said is that the reason you wrote this book? To find out how much people love you? I’ve always felt like you did it to help people. So that if there was one person who read your story and related, and helps them out of their hell then that’s all that mattered.I think if one person reads it, and it helps turn their life around, then really the only person who’s point of view about your book that matters is theirs. Fuck the critics.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
You’re 100% right. I did write it to help people, and at first, I wrote it to help myself. After having the entire story in my hands, after reliving and recreating each scene of my life in an (attempted) objective manner (simply the voice of the story without judgement or foresight), I was able to put some distance between the actions of my past and the person I am today. It helped give me perspective, and finally, let go of who I was yesterday.
Now, knowing what it has done for me, my hope is that it helps someone else. Fuck the sales and the critics. Thank you for reminding me.
Kevin
July 10, 2012
¡Órale!
Andy P.
July 10, 2012
Dear Jennie –
I lurk here (mostly) and I have commented only once or twice. However, allow me to say that I couldn’t be more proud of you. Whether you know it or not, you act as an inspiration to many, many people through your words. Your story is the embodiment of the adage that ” “Nothing is guaranteed and everything is possible.”
Thank you so much for sharing of yourself with all of us.
Thank you for reminding me of the truth of the adage.
Onward through the fog.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you for lurking Andy, and for reaching out with such kind words. Thank you for journeying on with me.
Diana
July 10, 2012
I was so pleased to wake up and find the book auto delivered to my Kindle this morning. Breathe, Jennie, breathe. ‘ We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.’ You are standing tall and walking into your future and I am grateful to have you in the world as a shining example of how it works.
Much love.
becomingjennie
July 10, 2012
Thank you Diana. From the depths of my heart. This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Now… to my meeting… xo
ecwashere
July 10, 2012
I’m thinking this is like the moment of standing at the open door of the plane, at the very edge, wind in your face, terror in your heart (in my version, Rage Against the Machine’s “Bullet in Your Head” is LOUD in the ears), and you just let go!
And my social worker wife walks by, seeing the book cover on the screen, “That’s Jennifer?”
Me: “Yup.”
Wife: “Wow, she’s beautiful.”
Me: “You don’t know the half of it.”
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
*blushing*
Thank you. And thanks to your wife as well. Send her my love. My love to both of you.
michael92105
July 10, 2012
Dear Jennie-no advice, just my support and encouragement to “stay in today and everything will be okay”. Thanks for letting us all in on your journey. Much respect for all your courage. We all love you and more importantly, God does and always has. Imagine that!
(you know, every time I post a reply,I look at this little icon that pops up by my email and I just have to say it’s not representative of how I feel about you and what you have done…)
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Seriously, I hadn’t looked at that icon until you wrote about it and as soon as I finished your sentence and saw his purple little crazy face I laughed out loud. Thank you for making me laugh and smile today Michael. And of course, for the support.
Brett
July 10, 2012
Oh Jennie! Just laugh. And breathe. Ya done good! Next!!!
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Thank you Brett!
chicostephenson
July 10, 2012
Just remember Jennie, no matter what you do there’s gonna be some hater out there to whine and complain about it. Just take solice in the fact that without you, that critic wouldn’t have a job. No matter what they say it doesn’t matter. ya did good, kid.
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Thank you Chico!!!
sogetthis99
July 10, 2012
“Trying desperately to remain unattached”? I can remain unattached. Is that going to be possible for you? Sounds like trying desperately wanting L.A. to be 1 mile closer to S.F. Eventually it will get there.
Dave
July 10, 2012
Ya know, I can tell you that in my experience, that vomity, eww, I don’t feel so good feeling is probably a good thing? I honestly haven;t quite figured it out yet, haha. But ya know, I always look at people who are so busy in life and seem so full of energy and love and wonder how they do it… it’s probably because they just don’t think a hell of a lot and just DO. They follow, whether consciously or not, their hearts. And that’s what you’re doing. And It’s so amazing to have watched you do that since the first time I ever saw you on VH1. I can’t say I often go through with things when I feel sick myself because it’s just SO damn scary, but I have faced fears and I have shown myself love, and even if it hurt at the time I always know the intention was good. I hope you can feel that too and understand that no matter WHAT happens, not only is it suppose to happen anyway, but your intentions are always pure. I think you can absolutely rest in that and show yourself some kindness is those regards. Try a good mediation too, even if it’s only for 10 minutes. Focusing on your breath, sitting outside under a tree can really take the edge off.
Your book is gonna be awesome and I know it! I look fwd to reading it totally
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
I would love if I could get 10 minutes of meditation in! I have been having trouble with 2! But thank you for this post, you inspire me to try to do more.
Bill M.
July 10, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I have been following your odyssey here since the beginning. I have observed a transformation unlike any other I’ve ever witnessed. You are to be commended for your openness and vulnerability. It takes guts.
You wrote, “Still don’t want to believe it because if that review is right then so are the ones that will say it is bad, which I’m sure there will be. Believe one, believe them all. That’s the deal.”
In Zen, we talk about accepting reality. Whatever it is. Good or bad. In fact, good or bad don’t exist. Everything just is. A mind that accepts what is is at peace, without judgment or attachment.
There will be good reviews and bad reviews. Both will be true. Neither are a reflection of your book. Both are merely a reflection of the worldviews of the reviewers. Embrace them all.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of your book. What matters most is that you wrote a book that helped you and, very likely, will help others.
And that’s another thing I learned on my way to becoming an ordained Zen priest: helping others is what life’s all about. As the Dhammapada says, “only love dispels hate.”
So, when the haters of the world appear, embrace them.
You are responsible only for yourself. Love yourself, love others, and your life will transcend your book. Eventually, no one will care about Penny Flame, or even know she existed. All people will know is that Jennie Ketcham exists, and she has one hell of a big heart.
Cheers,
Bill
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
“There will be good reviews and bad reviews. Both will be true. Neither are a reflection of your book. Both are merely a reflection of the worldviews of the reviewers. Embrace them all.”
I am taking this with me today. Thank you for this Bill.
Steph
July 10, 2012
I was going to wait, but I felt compelled to ho pick up your book today. Your story of recovery is so moving already. What a great intro by Dr. Drew. I wish you all the luck in the world, Jennie. You story is inspiring. One day at a time. *hugs*
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Thanks Steph, thank you for trudging this road with me…
Amy Ferguson-Miller
July 10, 2012
I just don’t think it does any good to say, “ignore the critics.” If Jennie doesn’t want to read her reviews, she shouldn’t. But having gone through addiction and spent time in Sierra Tucson, which is much more hardcore than Drew’s program, it’s not good to just pat someone on the back and say, “ignore what everyone but your supporters think, because anyone else is a hater.” I don’t hate Jennie. I want her to be as successful as I’ve been in recovery and hopefully have it take less time for her to find the peace that I now have. But, even in treatment, we’re encouraged to pretty much call out people every single day and it can be VERY hard, but we need it. Some of the things people say to you in treatment will seem insane. One other girl who had an eating disorder called me out in front on the entire group for “eating too much for lunch.” NO ONE told her she was wrong. That was how she felt and she was encouraged to openly talk about that, even to me in front of everyone else in our group. What they teach the addict who gets criticized is to just listen and if you don’t believe that what’s being said is really your issue, you need to let it roll off. Believe me, unless you’ve been through it, you don’t know how hard that is. I mean, it’s not like we’re happy addicts to begin with. It hurts to be criticized. But you do learn a lot about yourself and it does make you stronger. Now when people say things to me, I have an inner confidence to be able to hear something critical and if it doesn’t apply to me, I’m strong enough to not let it get to me. As far as this book goes, I’d probably read the reviews, but that’s me. I don’t think having a microphone or being on tv validates anything, nor does having Dr. Drew sitting there with you. Or anyone else for that matter. I haven’t read the book yet, but I will. I must admit I simply like Jennie’s writing more than I’m interested in an entire novel about her life, but it could very well win me over. Although, call me prude, I’ve noticed other comments about this, but the cover of the book seems inappropriate to me. As someone who’s been raped repeatedly by her step-father and ended up in treatment, myself and hating myself for well over two decades, it just seems to send the wrong message. I hope that I’m not criticized for having that opinion and I would think in Jennie’s life, she doesn’t want a group of enablers around her. If that happens, it will be very difficult to stay on the right track. Good luck with your book, Ms. Ketcham.
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Thank you for this post, I appreciate your honesty and opinions. And I agree with you one hundred percent: the last thing I want is to believe “hype.” The reason I say I prefer not to read reviews (at this point) is because whether they are good or bad, I don’t want to believe any of them. I have the support systems in my life that have helped me into sobriety. I have my therapist, mentor, sponsor, and a multitude of friends who help keep me accountable. I also have a very solid community of people here on this blog who are willing to call me on shit, just as your group sessions encouraged other members to call out feelings.
The thing about reviews is that they are reviewing how my life was. I know how it was. It was fucked for a while, and it was not fucked for a while. Some of it was great, some of it was not great. Where I need support most is in the choices I make for myself today, and not the choices in the way I feel about yesterday.
I am sorry that you were raped by your step-father, and there are no words that I can share here to take away the pain you (most likely) still feel as a result of that trauma. I hope and pray that you have received treatment that will help you to process that trauma and be able to enjoy healthy sex in adulthood. I know that for me, promiscuity at a young age led me to re-traumatize myself by being promiscuous in adulthood. It wasn’t until I ended up in rehab that I was able to recognize how unhealthy my behavior was.
That being said, I’m sorry if the cover offended you or felt inappropriate to you. The intention was to be raw, honest, and totally revealed. I think it is entirely aligned with my (and the publisher’s) intentions. If something on the cover triggered your past, then again, I’m sorry and hope you can find the help you need to move through it.
Best, and welcome to the site.
Jennie
Scott S
July 10, 2012
I ordered your book on May 30 and I was just notified that it had been delivered to my Kindle.
I literally stumbled upon this blog several months ago. I had no idea who PF was; no idea who Jennie was.
But I have now read this site from the beginning, and you have made a difference in the life of this 66 year old man, even though our life experiences and the demons that drive us couldn’t be more different. I look forward to reading your book.
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Amazing. Thank you Scott.
Holli
July 11, 2012
You are so fucking amazing Jennie!!! I loved this post. I needed this post right now. Lots of shit going down in my life at the moment and I’m feeling very weak and unstable. This uplifted me and gave me hope. Thank you.
becomingjennie
July 11, 2012
Thank you for this Holli! YOU are so amazing!
James
July 11, 2012
Stay strong Jennie. What you have accomplished in your recovery is extraordinary, and so rare. I purchased your book last night, more so because I was a fan and I was curious. Needless to say, I couldn’t put it down. I was completely engaged and after reading some of your blog posts, I am so inspired by your strength, courage, wit and creativity. You are smart, talented and beautiful and I have a feeling that your life is going to be greater than you could have imagined, as you continue to help and inspire others. Tonight, I can’t wait to finish your book, and I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and relationships.
becomingjennie
July 12, 2012
Thank you James! I am an admittedly blessed woman and and honored that you are here with me sharing in my story.
James
July 15, 2012
I finished your book and all I can say is “I want more of Jennie!” I love the way you write! I sincerely hope you write more books, whether it be more of your personal stories, or even fiction. I honestly think I would read anything you would write. Your style is so engaging, and in many ways unique. If your story gets made into a movie, as I’m sure it may, I hope you stay intimately involved so your true voice comes through because you are an extraordinary person with a special talent in telling stories. One of your fans said, “Your writing’s genius.” I agree.
becomingjennie
July 15, 2012
Finished?!?! I love it! Thank you for taking the time to read and sharing your feelings on my work. It took a lot of people to make this book possible, and from the people that helped me with my thinking to the people that helped me in documenting that thinking, there is no way that this could have been done on my own.
That being said, I hope and pray that this will be the first of many books, that the team will continue to be the amazing cohesive unit it’s been, and that the words will reach those in need so that continuing in this publishing business is a realistic goal.
Thank you for the generous compliments and sharing here… xo
Kristianna Berger
July 11, 2012
The book came today. About an hour ago. I’m on chapter five.
Thank you. Thank you so, so much. You have always moved me, but today, you’ve shaken me back to a place I thought I’d lost.
You are beautiful, your writing’s genius. You are a gift to so many.
Keep at it; you’re fantastic.
Kristianna
becomingjennie
July 12, 2012
Amazing! I am so moved that you are enjoying it, so touched by your kind words. Thank you Kristianna. xo
Hoosier
July 11, 2012
I watched (and recorded) your appearance on Dr. Drew’s show, and you couldn’t have made me prouder of you and more grateful for having followed you on his original series and now on this blog! You were poised, confident, articulate, knowledgable (from personal experience) and a perfect living example of just the points you and he were trying to make. You were also a superb advertisement for the insights available to readers of your memoir. Jennie, your recovery continues (as at this very moment) to bring tears to my eyes. You were saved for a purpose, and that reason is just to go on to help others as you have already done and as you will continue to do as you further your ongoing professional education. Heartfelt congratulations!
becomingjennie
July 12, 2012
Thank you Hoosier, it is always a pleasure to read your comments and to share in this space with you. Thank you…
Zephyr
July 12, 2012
Your honest humility and vigilance to the continual vulnerability addiction has afflicted upon you is just super awesome. Your senses are wide open, this is living, real full catastrophe living.
Thanks for welcoming all of us to share your journey and extend a little space for us to invite each other to share ours. That is humane and beautiful.
As individual and unique as we all strive to build ourselves up to be, we also have a great deal, maybe even the majority of our beings, in common. That’s a pretty good deal.
Thanks for being you, Jennie.
becomingjennie
July 13, 2012
Thank YOU Zepher! You are always such a light in this space, and with every word you share, I am inspired to continue as I do… Thank you for making all of this possible, and allowing me to be a part of your life.
theduffboy
July 16, 2012
Like I said I would, I posted the words from a previous post of yours on my desk at work: “I heard that forgiveness is merely the willingness to let go of the idea of how things once were”. May we all let go when we need to, and may you be able to continue to embrace it all.
becomingjennie
July 18, 2012
I love that my words are at work with you! I will keep yours with me today as my mantra, “May we all let go when we need to.” thank you!
theduffboy
July 18, 2012
Thank you, Jennie! Your journey serves as inspiration to many, me included.
Jene
July 18, 2012
Jennie, finished the book today. Well written and jabbed me in a few places. Makes is all take a lesson about what is intimacy an how can we get it in a healthy way. This book is more mainstream than you make think. I hope that you keep writing your style is well done – maybe fiction that has nothing to do with nothing but a good story? You are a writer. As a former college professor I can say that. Peace be with you. Amaste
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Thank you Jene, for your kind words and your generous compliments! Namaste!
Amanda
July 23, 2012
Jennie, your book is incredible; I couldn’t put it down. I am absolutely in awe of your bravery and honesty, both in your book on here on this blog. This world is a better place because of you. I can’t wait to read your next! I am so proud of you – your story is an unlikely one and gives me warm fuzzies every time I think about it. Your dedication is an inspiration. Congratulations.
becomingjennie
July 26, 2012
Thank you Amanda! I am honored that you have shared my story, and grateful for your compliments. xox
Andy
July 27, 2012
Got your book yesterday, so I just finished like the first 120 pages up to now, but it’s already an amazing experience. Actually it’s like a small treasure by someone who seems to have a really beautiful soul. I’m happy that for you that everything turned out the way it did for you. In all honesty, I already knew you as PF… but what you have achieved by telling your story in this book is so much more beautiful, it shows the inside of an interesting person. Good luck for your future.. Andy from Germany