New bag of coffee from Costco, the Kirkland Dark Roast to replace the Peet’s I so obnoxiously demanded we drink each morning. Turns out the stuff gets under my skin and makes my feet and fingers move just the same, and is about one-third the price. Constantly re-evaluating my financial choices, and knowing that I’ll have some serious writing to do in my near future regarding these financial woes (because, yes, I am still suffering from the wreckage of my past), it’s good to start looking at things now.
Good to start looking at things as soon as you notice they exist.
I’ve been doing the compulsive picking at my face and back thing for quite a while now, and I’m not sure how to kick it. On suggestions from (fill in the blank~ sponsor, Jill, Mr. Man, Angel etc.), I’ve done and am doing the following. If any of you can think of more, please respond because I am desperate to stop hurting and mutilating my skin like this.
1.) Praying. Every morning, afternoon and evening, I pray to be relieved of this obsession as I have been relieved of the obsession to drink. I’m not sure if there is a rock bottom to which I must fall before this relief occurs, or if it is simply an amount of willingness, but God of My Understanding, please remove the obsession to pick at my face and back and allow me to use my time in a healthier way.
2.) Post-its. I’ve written (and today, will rewrite) multiple post-its and stuck them around the house, my car, my wallet, and anywhere I can see my face. They say helpful things like, “Praying can relieve you of this obsession, don’t pick!” and “Picking is self-mutilation, play with the tangle!”
What once was startling to look at has now become a part of the scenery. I look forward to rewriting these messages on more exciting paper and re-posting.
3.) Tangle. The tangle is this funny plastic, pick toy that I bought off some esthetician’s website that is supposed to keep my hands busy. It works to a certain point, in that, at one point, I begin wearing it as a bracelet and picking continues with my new, wiggly jewelry.
4.) Awareness. I am talking about it with all of my friends, because I am ashamed of it and I don’t want to do it and so if I talk about quitting, the desire to remain a consistent human being will override (at some point?) the obsession to pick. Psychologically speaking, this is what Robert Cialdini would call a “public commitment [leading] to consistent further action.” The same goes for writing it down here, like an Amway Corporation study about what happens when people write down their commitments. That’s why companies will have the customer, and not the sales clerk, fill out an application or contract. We are more likely to follow through and commit when we have written something down. That being said, I find that I have been picking at the right side of my face since I started writing this entry. Generalized anxiety is a mofo.
5.) Changing my face products/conditioner/shampoo. The problem is, I LOVE MY SHAMPOO. I gave up my conditioner, I bought some new fancy face wash/peel stuff that claims to work with very small water molecules that can better penetrate my most precious and most gigantic, living, breathing organ, but the truth is I don’t have acne, or any skin problems other than my dirty fingers all over it. If I could keep my hands away from my face, I am fairly positive that I would not pick at it. However, at one point, I was fairly certain that if I moved away from Porn Valley, I would not do porn. Needless to say, I ended up right in the shit again. I’m picking at my face right now. STOP IT JENNIE!
***Side bar. Why do women spend so much freaking money on products? Yes, I know all about youth culture, I know that we are encouraged, if not pressured, to stay young forever, Endless Summer, all that bullsh*t, but how is it that I can justify spending $80.00 on some micro-hydro-face wash and peel but not on, say, a nice pair of sheets that will last much longer than my wash? And why does it not bother me that this micro-hydro-washey stuff was made in some giant-ass metal tub in some giant-ass warehouse where people stand around in protective plastic clothing and it all gets pumped out through tubes and into different buckets? And why do I envision two lab techs standing over beakers, saying “Eureka! I’ve found the secret to keeping Jennie’s skin young forever” and then shipping it directly to the store I bought it from?
6.) Finger puppets, mittens, gloves, bandaids and any other device that covers my fingers/face/back/self. I don’t even know it, but I space out, the duck finger puppets come off and next thing I know my hands are to my face.
Those are the healthy things I do to try to stop. Here are the unhealthy things I do (to try) to continue.
1.) Justify. It’s just one. I will fix this. If I just scratch at it, it’s not like picking. Because it’s scratching. And scratching is different than picking.
2.) Wear clothes that don’t reveal how many scars I’m making on my shoulders and back. Hiding. Sick as our secrets.
3.) Continue picking even when I read the “stop picking” post-it.
4.) Say it’s getting better. Which it is. But it isn’t. Which probably, actually, falls under #1.
5.) Wear makeup. More hiding. Hiding hiding hiding. Freckles and LANCÔME makeup will not hide this forever. My skin will change, is changing, and I need to stop this now.
Okay. That is the post rant for the day. I’m not going to talk about book stuff (as exciting as it all is, I must focus on the task at hand), and I’m not going to discuss the internship for which I interviewed (apparently, “Angry Birds” is not the correct answer to “What will you do when there is downtime”). I will in the next post. Perhaps. Although, I totally just ruined the punchline.
If anyone here has overcome any obsessive/compulsive behavior, and has any tricks to the trade, please advise.
xoxo
Jennie
Pragmatic Realist
July 18, 2012
What do you think might be the source of the anxiety you are dealing with by the picking? Can you track what you are seeing, smelling, feeling, thinking, that triggers off the impulse? Maybe your Mr Man has noticed something connected with that behavior.
Eric
July 18, 2012
You said Amway. Even in a joking for or “for example” manner that name must never be mentioned in any form. Next thing you know you’ll have a knock at your door. By the way, just completely weird and curious here: Did anyone try to hit you up with that on set?
Good post.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Hit me up with what on set?
Pragmatic Realist
July 18, 2012
For your further studies you might be interested in this chapter on “Habit” from William James the father of psychology in America. A habit is an ingrained nervous path going from a stimulus to a response, bypassing rational thought. He has some ideas about how habits are formed and how habits can be changed, which is what you are trying to do. But you have to find that first step that triggers off the habit, find a way to avoid going down that path and replace it with another path.
http://psychclassics.asu.edu/James/Principles/prin4.htm
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Where have I read about this before? I feel like a friend of Bill’s suggested this? Does he explore spirituality as well? Thanks J~ Will be looking into this today.
Pragmatic Realist
July 20, 2012
William James wrote “Varieties of Religious Experience”.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Yes! Exactly what I was thinking of (not knowing I was thinking it of course!) Thank you and ordering this and “Habit” on amazon right now.
Stephster
July 18, 2012
I am not sure if it will work in your situation, but it works pretty well for me for smoking. I tried to quit on my own by telling myself I couldn’t smoke, had one of my good friends hold me accountable, etc. and EVERY time I had an urge, I would fail and buy a pack….then have to finish the pack.
I started telling myself that smoking is MY choice. I am going to smoke when I choose to, and not smoke when I choose not to. I have actually cut back my smoking considerably. I went from an average of 2-3 packs a month, to about 2-3 smokes a month. By telling myself not to do it or that I can’t do it, just makes us want to do it more. Turning it into a choice makes us look at it differently.
I began looking at WHY I do it. I do it because I know I am an addict and I am searching for something…some sort of stimulation to ease my compulsion. I choose not to drink, or do illegal drugs because I can’t control my addiction to them, so I smoke cigarettes. It isn’t the same, but it produces a reaction that my body looks for in certain times of need.
As to why you scratch your skin, I don’t know. Is it because you need to have some sort of compulsion that takes your mind off of other addictions? Do you look at every mark on your body and judge yourself so harshly that you believe if anyone else sees it they will be put off? Is it because you feel so imperfect inside that you need to try and wipe away an outside imperfection? It’s not something I can answer, unfortunately. Only you can.
(please forgive me if i’ve crossed any lines here. it was not my intention)
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
No lines crossed sister. You are totally accurate in the harsh judgement assessment. Something I’ve been working on since I left the business. Especially the imperfections aspect. In my prayers, I often say “please allow me to value the imperfections just as the perfections.” But I think maybe that is perpetuating the thought that perfections exist!
Thanks Steph, great comment
Steph Wilder
July 23, 2012
Perfections are relative. Not everyone views perfection the same. What matters is what is perfect to you.
Finding your blog was perfect for me. It made me feel less alone, and we both have awesome, caring, wise, and insightful therapists whose name starts with a “J”; I figured that was a sign. I never watched the shows, and still have not and don’t care to. The woman I have come to know, and respect is Jennie Ketcham, and in all her imperfections, she is a perfect companion for my healing journey.
Charlotte
July 18, 2012
I really sympathize with you about your picking.
I bite my finger nails so bad, they look disgusting, but I can’t stop! It’s a habit I’ve had since I was little.
I got told once to take photos of my horrible fingers, and every time I go to bite them, look at the photos so it puts me off. This worked at first but then I just carried on biting, haha.
But maybe try that? And get a photo of really nice clear skin so you have a goal to aim for?
All mind over matter, but fuck, it’s so difficult to stop a compulsive habit!!
Good luck Jennie
xoxo
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
You and me girl! Check out some of the comments here, it seems that the generalized anxiety thing manifests in different ways and there have been some great and life-applicable suggestions to help both of us out. Good luck to you as well, and feel free to post in here to be accountable!
Charlotte
July 21, 2012
It helps to know we aren’t alone, right?! I’ll definitely be trying out some of the great suggestions in here
I’ve never posted on your blog before but have been reading it for a looonnggg time!! It’s been amazing to follow your journey right from the start.
Earl
July 18, 2012
There must be support groups in the LA area for compulsive skin picking. These groups would also assist people with other OCD-related problems like nail biting, hair pulling, etc. I read that compulsive skin picking is called “dermatillomania.” Best of luck!
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Thank you Earl! Great suggestion on seeking out an “in person” support group!
Suzsqueak
August 2, 2012
If you find a support group for picking in LA/OC please please please share it! I hate it, but I have never been able to quit the picking habit, even after seeing a psychiatrist for CBT. I wear long sleeve and pants all the time because of the scars, and yet I still am driven to pick.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Here are three online resources that were generously shared with me, and I’ll keep digging for that LA/OC support group…
http://www.skinpick.com/
http://www.anxieties.com/ocd-four.php
http://www.stoppickingonme.com/
I feel you on the scars… my shoulders are covered in them
Invisible Mikey
August 3, 2012
@Earl and @Suzsqueak — Here’s an LA / OC resource for the problem – (If I were still there I would know more, but I bet THEY know the local groups and meetings.)
http://www.ocdla.com/compulsiveskinpicking.html
Invisible Mikey
July 18, 2012
So, asking us to diagnose and treat “over the phone” huh? Fine, I’m game. There are a number of possible causes for your behavior, not all of which may be compulsions. In addition to whatever’s picking at your subconscious, you may also have a sensitivity to caffeine, sodium and/or sugar, previously suppressed by your use of depressants (thc and alcohol). Now that you don’t ingest the downer/maskers, but still do the dietary uppers, it might be giving you jitters. To test this out, consider switching from coffee to green tea (less caffeine, more antioxidants). If you cut out caffeine all at once headaches and other withdrawal symptoms are common. Salt and sugar also have an effect. I realize eating healthy is more expensive. Evil food processing corps, grr…
Another common reason for skin irritation (which can spur scratching and picking) is lack of proper hydration. Are you drinking enough water & juice? You should be able to get a dermatology referral from your Dr. pals, and a nutritionist’s advice might be useful too. You may need either an otc or rx anti-inflammatory topical cream. You may even have some vitamin deficiencies. I don’t know when you had labs done last.
For the moment, make sure your nails are short. You can put kid band-aids (ooo, colorful) on your fingertips, or white first aid tape which you can draw little faces of your different feelings on with markers.
The rest is a matter of getting Outer Mother Jennie to take care of Inner Child Jennie. You have every normal reason to be anxious because your book is newly out and it IS a big deal, but you aren’t very experienced in how to process that level of nervousness while sober. You must reassure yourself. Hug yourself. Tell yourself you can work this out. Look in the mirror, and the mirror of those who love you and say “I can figure this out. I can handle this.” Relax. Breathe.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Definitely a matter of outer mother jennie taking care of inner little jennie. So difficult for me still!!!
And yes, I think the book being out is a big part of it. But I think perhaps I need to stay away from mirrors for a little bit haha. *Sigh* thanks as always Mikey!
CanadaPat
July 20, 2012
Awesome post Mikey.
Brett
July 23, 2012
I agree. Totally awesome post Mikey.
Not everything is related to our disease and you should definately rule out any medical issue first. I suffered from (Don’t laugh! This is serious!) Itchy/Scratchy syndrome with my ears for a while. So called because they itch, so you scratch which makes them itch more, so you scratch… ad infiniteum. A good dose of hydrocortizone cream broke the cycle.
foofoo5
July 18, 2012
I found this a year ago for a patient who needed it. They’re still around & pretty “traditional.” She found it helpful – apparently more helpful than she found me… (sigh) and is not still around.
http://www.skinpick.com/
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Great resource – and good news that she is not around anymore! We must grow right? I still see Jill because there is more work to be done! Perhaps, the work was done?
Peter
July 18, 2012
As I understand it, a lot of what we attempt in order to avoid a compulsive, choice-based behavior is tantamount to saying to yourself, “stop thinking of the color RED,” which quickly invokes feelings of futility. Since what you’re describing is kinda choice-based but also kinda regulatory, the behavior IS actually addressing both a physical and emotional need. You simply get stuck with a behavior which causes other problems. Similar to how smoking (for someone shy, for example) addresses the need to do something with one’s hands in public and gives one “business” which lessens the feeling of self-consciousness etc., adds the (no longer acceptable) sense of youthster-cool. But then you suddenly become a smoker with all of those issues.
For me, replacing the obsessive/compulsive behavior with a different, less destructive, less crazy-making activity which attempts to address a similar issue has worked. It’s usually an activity (not passive) with it’s own specific focus. The understanding being that the need to do what I’m doing is both real and legitimate, but it is hurting me; until I understand what I’m actually dealing with, I can’t make it go away by sheer force. Your post-it solution seems like a good example. Its an actual activity, not merely a mental ascent. But writing about the issue you’re contending with can bring it back into your awareness which defeats the point of the process, often with an unconscious self-admonishment which can aid an addictive cycle.
You are so very aware of yourself and have a terrific support structure – I believe that this is an issue you could explore if it troubled you. You have the gift of frank honesty and employ that gift in print and online to others, which makes you accountable and gives destructive habits few places to hide.
What else could you be doing? You mean besides inspiring a growing number of people with your active yearning to inhabit your healthy self? Honestly, I would very likely ask advice on this topic from someone like you.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
This is a wonderful comment and a wonderful share. And you’ve been very kind in your last words. I am trying to learn to inhabit a healthy self, the healthiest self, and often get caught up in the “what else can I be doing” thought. Like, what more can I do, what can I do better, obsess obsess obsess. Crazy-making all the way.
You are totally right in that it is dealing with some sort of emotional issue with a physical issue. Treating inside pain with outside pain (because it fucking hurts sometimes, what I am doing to myself literally hurts), and I need to find a way to treat the inside anxiety instead of creating outside pain. Thank you for reminding me.
Active. Into action. Always into action. Thank you.
idratherbeanon
July 18, 2012
I’ve been doing it for nearly thirty years. I don’t just pick – I dig. I dig deep. To get whatever it is I think is under my skin out. Puss or a hair, it doesn’t matter, if I think something is there I have to get it out. There was a time when I had deep sores that refused to go away – one of which existed on the crook of my right arm for about 16 years – but when that one finally healed up (somehow, I don’t know) I stopped a lot of what I was doing, but every so often (especially when I am stressed) I still do it. It took a long time for me to be able to wear short sleeves due to the mess and the scars that will never go away. But because I don’t want to go back to having to cover up, I do my best to keep my hands off. It’s a control issue, and my mind thinks it is “fun”. I have no advice other than to just keep trying, because even if you can’t stop, if you can do it less, that is still a win.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Thank you for sharing this, and for reminding me that this is not “fun.”
thefreshmanexperience
July 18, 2012
I have no answers for obsessive / compulsive disorder. I did have a student who had it, was seeing a professional and taking meds for it. He would constantly wash his hands with water and get out of his seat when someone coughed. My heart goes out to you as you deal with this and I will pray for the best for you.
Concerning your side bar on why women spend so much money on beauty products? If you could answer that question and explain women to all of us men, you will solve your financial problems.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
lol to the “answer that question and explain women to all of us men,” and will be posting on that in the near future. Thanks friend… xo
Frank Woolf
July 18, 2012
Maybe hypnotherapy? If possible, they can redirect you to do something harmless or maybe quit doing it altogether? Dr. Drew and associate ought to know someone reputable.
{{Hugs}}
Frank
John Richard Clinton Maenpaa
July 18, 2012
Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee is still the best in the Universe!!!
John Richard Clinton Maenpaa
July 18, 2012
I used to be hooked on phonics…
It got so bad, I would sometimes get up in the middle of the night, and open a can of soup, just to stare at the letters…
Now I sleep with a Sesame Street DVD on constant replay, and things have gotten better…
John Richard Clinton Maenpaa
July 18, 2012
Invisible Mikey
July 18, 2012
Almost forgot…possible nerve damage from the coke, contributing to repetitive unconscious behaviors. EEG, EMG tests, workup by Neurologist. (Invisible medical consulting is hard!)
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
*sigh* wreckage of my past. I know. These are things I should do. Along with going to the dentist.
Ryan
July 18, 2012
What a funny read! Lol. I laugh because my own girl friend is the same way. She picks picks and picks some more. I feel bad cuz she’s so hard on herself and he comes away from the mirror looking like she has chickenpocks or something. (This is gross ) But I will off my gave and back do she can lay off hers.
Good luck Jenny
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
It’s tough!!! Talk to her about it, she probably has some shame surrounding it and could use your support!!!
michael92105
July 18, 2012
Dearest Jennie: Some ideas to try; build a puzzle, have a rubric’s cube handy, get some sculpey clay, play dough or even silly putty which you can conceal in your pocket. For that matter, carry your medallion in your pocket to roll around and flip over. Knit? Crochet? Draw, paint, make lists, sort out pictures from Africa, brush your dog, plant a flower, paint your nails, paint your toe nails, write a letter, ride your bike, go for a walk, know this too shall pass, calm your mind and body, Know that you are loved. Peace.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Thank you Michael! Wonderful suggestions! love the medallion in pocket suggestion.
Kirsten
July 18, 2012
Pardon the pun but ‘pick’ a new obsession 😊 I am kidding of course I just cannot resist jokes in poor taste. Big Love J xoxo
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Love jokes no matter when or whether in poor taste. Totally need to pick a new obsession!
Hoosier
July 18, 2012
This is the first I have read about you and this problem. Have you already discussed a professional diagnosis you may have received for it? I have been diagnosed with OCD and have, of course, been recommended for any number of anti-depressants that also have anti-OCD properties. When I was a child, before OCD had even been defined (I believe), I used to pull my hair out, individual strand by individual strand (no, it wasn’t that other dysfunction which also consists of that). It was finally linked to discord at home between my parents. My problem mysteriously ceased even before their marriage did, so apparently that had nothing to do with my “cure”, though perhaps my father’s leaving was what really dropped the stress level and at least that form of my OCD….
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
I wrote about it a few years back and it had died off for a bit but it’s back with a vengeance!!!
Chirp and Flutter
July 18, 2012
I, myself, am a compulsive picker.. I feel your pain! I have no tips or tricks to stop, because as soon as I stop typing this sentance I will resume picking…. I wish there was something that could be done… I do try to keep my fingernails extremely short, short to the point of being annoyed that I cant even use them to pick at anything, especially my skin. I have an hour commute to work each way, this is my worst time for wanting to pick…. ugh! I have it. My heart goes out to you girl! Let me know if you get any good advice!
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Finding tons of good advice in the comments portion of this post~ The support groups and some stuff about not punishing myself for doing it because I might start to associate the feelings with the need to punish. I particularly liked the http://www.anxieties.com/ocd-four.php suggestion~
Chirp and Flutter
July 21, 2012
Thank you!
) You are amazing, by the way 
thirtywhatisnext
July 18, 2012
Jennie,
I have dealt with picking my whole life since the age of 7. I have periods short when I stop, but usually is when I am angsty. Right now my left side is all picked at. The sad part I rationalize my picking from just this one, but is never that. I just cannot stop but I stop at one side, this week my left side is all scabby. I get so angry at myself to see the aftermath. I tell myself how disappointed I am at myself, but no luck. It becomes an obsession what upsets me the most is that. When I was younger I stuck to picking my arms and my legs, but now is my face, my arms, and my legs. Newdless to say I feel your pain
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Read through these comments~ I’m finding some super helpful things! (Needless to say, I am yet to be cured hahah *sigh*)
gaylin
July 18, 2012
I used to pick at my skin as well. I finally cut my fingernails – off. Or down to the pink as my mom would say. It made it so I would have to focus in order to pick and once I focused I would stop picking. Add that to lots of counselling and I no longer pick. I have excema that shows up on one foot and I don’t scratch it, I also get hives and don’t scratch them either. Is it having little tiny nails or dumping all those stress ghosts from the past . . . don’t know. I just know I like it when people say, you have lovely skin. Because I do. And so will you.
Can’t say much about the cost of women’s products because I don’t use them. I am beyond frugal and my bath soap costs $2.59 . . . I have alopecia so my shampoo and conditioner are $28 each. That is the extent of my products.
Stewart Forgie
July 18, 2012
I know its easier said than done but you can overcome this Jennie. Apart from keeping your fingernails as short as possible for now, try this four point plan I found for you.
http://www.anxieties.com/ocd-four.php
Good luck with it
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Great resource, thanks Stewart!
shane
July 18, 2012
The closest thing that I have had to deal with any obsessive/ compulsive behavior was biteing my finger nails all the phuckn time. Being in the militray at the time, my job didn’t call for having pretty nails that often. But one day I just got feed up with it. Nothing that anyone said or did. Dont even think anyone realy noticed it but me. Oh but my Mother did when I was home on leave
Nothing much gets past my Mother! She only uses here powers for good.
It was just me! And me being feed up with it. I told myself to stop and held myself to it. Then it went to the other side and I wouldn’t cut them till doing something tore them off or bent them back at the most un-fun times! I’ll catch myself on long road trips at night chewing on them to stay awake or just something for my brain to do behind the wheel than fall asleep.
I like the idea of the finger puppets thoe! Perhapes fingerless mittens? But even then thats just a physical barrier not and ending solution to the behavior you want to correct or modify. Making a part of your blog and out there for any and or everyone to make comments on may lead to at the least a commitment the change you want.
I know, I havent been much of any help. Might be why I dont have a job like Dr. Drew
Jennie, if you can take on the daily challanges you have already commited to in your life. You can over come the picking. Or you can modify rule number one? Change scratching, to rubbing!
1.) Justify. It’s just one. I will fix this. If I just RUB at it, it’s not like picking. Because it’s scratching. And RUBBING is different than picking.
I know, again not much help. Best of luck girl!
I look forward to reading more here on your site in the future. I bought your book today. I’ll have to put aside a bedside place for it, along in the stack of the normal militray history books.
Shane
Bernie
July 19, 2012
As a writer, you can write a brook, rewrite it, then write it again. You can try to pick the perfect words, then change it, and rearrange it… You can’t do that with your face, nor with your life or with relationships. So I would say: do the wordpicking but stop the facepicking.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
excellent advice. Thank you Bernie!
Jim Baldwin, Portland Maine
July 19, 2012
After some bored ass at work, night shift research, I found the following tips..
1. Cut your fingernails down to nothing. Its better to have short fingernails for a while than tearing up the battlefield and leaving possible permanent scars.
2. Bubble wrap.. Instead of the tangle thingy.. It’s pretty close to the same movements as picking/popping. At least you’ll get the gratification of a snap if you pick at a bubble. (Remember that a few of them will piss you off because they’re duds)
3. Anxiety much? This also could be a stress reflex, much like someone biting their nails. Skin picking is a way of channeling nervous energy. A new life, recovery, financial woes, all that crap can be stressful.. Maybe a little silent, repeated mantra (“I’m doing the right thing today. No matter what, I’ll be all right”) will help? Excerise also boosts your body’s levels of serotonin—a chemical in the brain—an imbalance of which is often at the root of anxiety disorders.
4. Wear one of those lamp shade things around your neck like a cat with a busted foot.
(Kidding)
Hope this helps…
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
hahaha love the mantra idea. and especially LOVE the lamp shade suggestion. I think I have Saucy’s somewhere here…
Jim Baldwin
July 20, 2012
Right.. or when you’re home alone, a ski mask and a turtle neck would work.
Just don’t forget to take it off when you head to the bank..
xo
Kevin
July 19, 2012
Reading this made me itch, or at least it made conscious of the fact I was scratching myself. while I read.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
me too!
Sean Hansell
July 19, 2012
When I do something compulsively I don’t like, I used to find a way to punish myself for the action. This was NOT healthy, but having consequences for your actions can help us take responsibility for what we are doing, so I found a way to turn “punishment” into something healthy and productive. Everytime you catch yourself picking, do an exercise; 10 push-ups, run a mile on the treadmill, etc. Eventually you’ll tire yourself out and won’t be able to pick anymore. Okay, the logic there is probably flawed, but this is what works for me.
I’m a fan of you, and proud of you regardless.
-Sean
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
haha LOVE this Sean~ have to be very careful with the exercise stuff though because I’m super addicty about working out. ANY EXCUSE!!! hahah. So yes, I can do this to a certain extent. But the point about positive punishment and how that can sometimes become unhealthy and unproductive. If feeling bad fixed it, I’d be all better right? xo and thank you for the reminder
Jen
July 19, 2012
I pick my scalp compulsively thanks to gad at night. I have no words to help, but share in the misery with hou. Its a hard habit to break.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
I’m finding some really great suggestions in this comment section, and perhaps you can too? Kristianna just left a super long and helpful list of resources, one being the fb group~ so good!
gratefullist
July 19, 2012
I’ve heard of putting a rubber band around your wrist and when you start picking or feel yourself wanting to, snap the rubber band so you begin to associate it with a negative sensation. Your mileage may vary though
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
To be honest, I read this and was like “smehhh.” And then I said, “Take every suggestion.” Rubber band on wrist now. Thank you.
Kristianna Berger
July 20, 2012
Just be sure that you’re not correlating the scary/hard/traumatic thought that you’re having (that’s perhaps creating the desire to pick) with a form of punishment (rubber band on wrist). Normally, we don’t just pick cause it’s a habit, it’s a “habit” because it’s a coping skill that we use to avoid something/feeling, etc. So this technique works as long as you’re not inadvertantly punishing yourself for feeling X (prior to the picking)…just a side note from my experience.
Beth
July 19, 2012
Hi Jennie – I keep my nails short. It helps a lot. Deep breathing works for me too. Take care
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
*sigh* I know, Mr. Man always tells me to cut my nails. They are just so pretty!!! *grumble grumble grumble* It’s good advice though. And it works. xo
Seven Echoes
July 19, 2012
I actually had a problem similar to that, and there’s a couple steps that I took that are easy to combat the behavior. I covered up all the large mirrors I had in the house and just kept a tiny one to shave and trim my beard. If you only have one tiny mirror to use, it makes it more obvious to yourself that you’re playing with your face too much in this tiny little mirror. Also place the mirror in an inconvenient play so that it gets annoying to use it.
I started crocheting, which is fun [but challenging].
Swimming also helps, but be sure to immediately shower and apply moisturizer, as your mind will constantly tell you to check/pick your skin because it’s dry and damaged. Actually, any exercise will help take your mind off of things.
Set a goal for not picking, as well. Like any habit, it’s hard to stop cold turkey. Don’t beat yourself up if you’ve fallen back on it, but have decreased the amount of time with the habit.
This’ll also sound silly, but if you’re home and not up to much, wear gloves. Hard to pick and poke with gloves on.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Yes to the gloves at home and super yes to the healthy exercise stuff. Good call on the lotion too, it’s hard to pick when I’m all soft haha. Thank you!
Kristianna Berger
July 19, 2012
Jennie – Just finished the book a few days ago, so first of all, thanks for that. A lot a lot.
Re this post – 1. Thank you for posting it. 2. You’re not alone with this and there are a lot of places to glean support around this (i.e. compulsive skin picking, dermatillomania, etc.). 3. I have yet to find a fail-safe “fix it” solution, but as you know, as with most impulse control/addictive/coping behaviors, there are “helpful” things.
These are some things that have been helpful for me over the last five or so years (I’ve been picking on and off (at varying degrees) since I was little):
1. http://www.stoppickingonme.com/ (Click on “Begin at Chapter 1″ on the left sidebar) This talks about how your skin works and why it’s good to be kind to it. It also offers some tips/suggestions.
2. Facebook has a Dermatillomania Support Group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/53173448037/) where people post ideas/suggestions/photos/look for and give support. Really neat when you’re having a “I have to/want to stay inside” kind of day, and also when you feel like an alien for having this “problem.”
3. Sticky notes are great – I also often bypass them, so sometimes I put them in a place on a mirror (or a bunch of them on the mirror) such that I have to literally move them to look at my face. Sometimes photos of beautiful vacations/times with friends when I wasn’t thinking about/was having an easy time not picking; those help too…
4. The tangle is brilliant; I have one too. I also forget to use it as intended, but when I even start to think about picking (about how I’m not doing it, how I want to do it, ANYTHING about it), I start to busy by hands and my mind (either with something healthy or by calming myself).
5. Replacement techniques are great (behavior modification) – so anytime you go to do the behavior, do something else instead (knit, put on a face mask, paint your nails, etc.) – apparently, you do this enough times, and it’ll help.
6. Give yourself short and attainable goals on the sticky notes – “So I can really enjoy Friday night w/o worrying about my skin” – “So I can wear the strapless top I love…”
7. Just like any other addictive behavior, you can work steps around it (there are a bunch of sites around this), but be sure to not give yourself too much of a hard time when you slip up. It’s not the same as drinking/drugging, etc. — while you eventually want to stop, “relapse” is very different (in my opinion); it’ll take some getting used to and since it is probably a replacement behavior for something “worse,” being kind with yourself around it might help remove some of the pressure around stopping cold turkey.
In my experience, there will be good and bad days; I also use it as a good notification of sorts that I am stressed, tired, reexperiencing some trauma memories, etc. And so I can self-care appropriately and sometimes catch it in time before the picking gets out of control.
All this to say, I hope some of these resources are helpful; there are definitely good support systems out there and a lot of information/research. You aren’t alone and here’s to working toward kicking a behavior that can be really isolating, embarrassing.
You’ve got this.
Kristianna
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
SUCH GREAT ADVICE Kristianna! I just joined the fb group, will be checking the stoppickingonme website later today (comments to respond to and heading out to do some healthy bike riding), and as you pointed out, what a great way to check my mental status. I will use every single one of these resources/ideas, and thank you deeply for helping me to them. xoxo
Zephyr
July 19, 2012
I applaud socializing the issue. My experience reducing biting my fingernails has only improved because several people who are close to me and care about me call me on it whenever I indulge in the compulsion in their presence.
Progress, not perfection.
Keep your chin up, but don’t dare use your hands to do so.
becomingjennie
July 19, 2012
Yes. No hands on face and talking about it. Thanks as always Zeph~
Rachel
July 19, 2012
I remember reading an interview you had done many years ago and my heart ached because I could feel your pain. Today I had a random thought, what happened to that girl? I ended up here reading your wonderful writing and full of hope for you. What a tremendous journey you have taken Jennie! We should never regret our past, it’s what made us who we are. It sounds like you have some great ideas how how to deal with the picking, I do that too when I’m anxious. I make sure to wear no makeup and try to see my freckles and scars so I’m reminded to stop. BTW, I love your freckles, I hope you never cover them up! Love and Peace, Rachel
becomingjennie
July 19, 2012
Thank you Rachel… Yes, I think the no makeup thing is going to play a big part in the no picking thing. I need more than the post-it reminders… Glad you came back to say hello!
firstverb
July 19, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
Mittens. Ok I know it’s not the best answer, but it’s what we do for new born’s to keep them from scratching their face and eyes, so it’s got to work. You’ve had this compulsion for a while so sorry your still suffering from it. The last time you wrote about, just like this time, I have found that I have little itches building needing scratched. Little tingly things under my skin trying to dig their way to the surface. scratch scratch scratch much better. How about since you are an artist doing something very creatively dirty with your hands, making pottery, using clay, or just a bunch of playdough, Just something to keep your hands busy and visibly dirty, to keep you from wanting to touch your face with them. I hope the day is happy for you dear lady. I am happy to see you are praying, and offering up prayer requests for intercessory prayer for this issue. Ok I’m done smiles & blessings.
becomingjennie
July 19, 2012
Dirty hands! What a suggestion haha! I love it, considering how many times I wash my hand each day (another little compulsion oh my my)…
Mark
July 19, 2012
Hi Jennie, I just finished your book and I found it fascinating. It sure seems like you have a lot of arrows in your quiver – writing skills, commitment to academics, healed/healing relationships, healthy outlets for your energy, a great work ethic, expertise in statistics (wait, ignore that), and a solid “Team Jennie” in your corner. I truly wish you great success in the future – there are many people rooting for you!
Regarding the “picking” dilemma, could you keep a small container of light lotion/moisturizer handy and smooth it on when you feel the need to pick? Perhaps that would replace the picking behavior and would be better for your skin. Just a thought…
becomingjennie
July 19, 2012
What an interesting suggestion! I love it and will discuss it with my makeup/bestie who is a face product goddess (Angel actually!). I’m sure over-moisturizing would be better than picking?
Mark
July 20, 2012
Yay! The first suggestion I considered was juggling, but I suppose that’s not too practical, eh?
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
lol and slightly obnoxious haha
Peggy
July 19, 2012
I haven’t overcome my compulsive behaviour but I have and continue to go through the same process as you as I try to stop. All I can say is hang in there, keep at it… if you can overcome alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and porn, I don’t see why this can’t be overcome, too.
becomingjennie
July 19, 2012
Thank you Peggy… This is becoming a one minute at a time ordeal
Peggy
July 20, 2012
Isn’t it though… they say “One Day at a Time”, but for some things it really is one minute at a time, as I’m sure you know from your previous struggles.
SM Johnson
July 19, 2012
I hope this doesn’t double-post, but I tried to comment from my phone and it didn’t seem to work.
You could try wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it when you have the urge to pick. Not sure that’s much different than your colorful new bracelet, though
My strongest suggestion would be to see your medical doctor and ask for Mometesone Furoate cream (not sure if that’s the brand name or the generic name). I have excema, and when I’ve scratched myself into open sores, this stuff works OVERNIGHT to heal them up. So if you dab it onto your spots every night for 2 or 3 nights, they should heal. It will be easier not to pick if you don’t have itchy scabs and sore spots. And keep working on your self-control as best you can.
If you pick while writing, reading, or watching TV, try giving your self a handful of sunflower seeds in the shell. Crack them and put the shells into an empty soda can. Don’t spit them – the point is to keep your naughty fingers busy.
Good luck! You have overcome much harder things, and you will lick this, too!
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Great advice with the seeds, and I used to have eczema in the eyelets of my arms and totally remember that cream. Thank you for bringing that to the forefront of my memory! Will be calling for doc appt. today…
Rich
July 19, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I’ve suffered from OCD, in different forms, for my entire life. The whole gamut: nail biting, counting steps, hand washing, checking, etc., etc. It’s a pretty tough disorder to beat, so forgive me if I can’t offer you much more than my empathy and support. But that, you have unconditionally.
You know that it’s an anxiety-based disorder. (I remember when a therapist told me that years ago. It had never once occurred to me as such before then; it seems so obvious now.) The thing is that, in the times that I’ve been able to push down my OCD, it’s been when I’ve been able to isolate and disarm whatever specific anxiety or stressor is triggering that specific compulsion. The trick is not to let your mind extrapolate that specific fear into something bigger, darker and more out-of-control. Not always the easiest thing to do; as it is, my thoughts have always tended to veer toward the darker side of life’s “what-if” (i. e. “what can-go-wrong-if”) questions. But it can be done, even if you don’t eliminate it completely. I still do have a checking compulsion. The difference is that, instead of checking something 25 times, I check it twice.
Sorry if I’m restating the obvious, or sounding like generic self-help bullshit. It’s pretty tough, but you’re not powerless against it. It takes finding that one specific fear, facing and disarming it. And it can also disappear on its own altogether; most of my compulsions have. I hope that this helps in some way. Believe me, I know how it feels. And I’m pulling for you, in this and all else…
Take care and be well,
Rich
P. S. I’m reading your book right now. I love it. I’ll write more, once I finish and collect my thoughts around it. But so far, it’s every bit as compelling a read as I knew it would be. You’ve done very well. And I’m not the least bit surprised by that.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Thank you for the sound advice Rich, and for reminding me (as I often need to be reminded) that it is a generalized anxiety thing. Perhaps it’s the culmination of the book thing, like the publishing, the putting it into the world, and the “I’m super powerless over the fact my book is now in the world and not in my hands” thing. It’s the only thing to which I can point because the rest (work, school, relationship) are all fine.
I think. Are they? Yes they are.
Thank you Rich. I will do some writing on the book release, some fears and try to do some facing. xo
desmond
July 19, 2012
Hi Jennie, Just finished the book. Liked it. And I have the answer for your picking problem, Please think about it and don’t simply dismiss it. Ready? The only way to stop is to stop.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
shit. shit. shit. It’s not something I can dismiss. And it is something I can stop. IT IS! It is something I am stopping at every moment today. Just for today.
Tom
July 19, 2012
Obsessive, addictive people are the ones who accomplish incredible things because they work on things far longer than normal and that takes them beyond the norm into new areas. Example, composers. Normal pianists practise what other people wrote. The great composers went so far beyond that, they discovered new sounds for themselves. You don’t get that way by putting in normal hours and living a balanced life. Same for great artists, surgeons, writers…. look at tennis players. How many times has someone been unbeatable, but then fall in love, get a life and struggle to stay at the same lofty level of play?
I’m not condoning obsession above all else, just pointing out the syndrome. Clearly you have the same genes as people who accomplish incredible things. And clearly, like them, you have an addictive personality. We can’t change that deep drive, so the trick is to control how it comes out. In other words, choose our vices carefully. I’ve noticed when you choose something people like, they don’t call it a vice anymore, they call it a virtue.
For those physical energy ticks: some people drink, some smoke, some direct their nerves to their stomachs and end up with IB syndrome, some pick at their skin, etc. My advice is, YOU decide where your nervous center will be. Send it somewhere that you decide to pick on, someplace where all that that extra attention and energy will produce side effects you like instead of hate. It could be as simple as isometric flexing (Sting’s trick) or chewing gum (John Lennon’s trick). If you develop painful symptoms, consciously move the energy to another spot. Once you realize you have that kind of control, you will be eventually control it completely and stop it. Yoga and meditation help.
Look, even in your down time/regrouping stage, you’re doing incredible things—the tv shows, the book. When you learn how to take care of yourself, you’re going to be one of those successful women that people admire because you’ve seen it all and made the best of it your own. That makes you a much richer human being than somebody who has walked through life sheltered feeling nothing. I can easily picture you at 40 owning a very successful business because you’re smart and you’ll be doing something you’re passionate about. Those two factors always produce great results.
You’re not a bundle of disorders, Jennie, you’re a racehorse dying to run. When you do, you’ll be too happy to worry and I’ll be betting on you all the way.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Thank you for this comment Tom. I had never thought of it in terms of redirecting energy, but you very eloquently (and kindly) pointed the obsessions and addictions can be used for good and not evil~ I am going to spend the day refocusing the energy and will write my next post on it. Thank you for inspiring me.
And thank you for this: “You’re not a bundle of disorders, Jennie, you’re a racehorse dying to run.” It will remain with me throughout the day.
x
Jim Baldwin
July 20, 2012
It’s a long shot, but it’s only $12..
http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/bad-habits/skin-picking
I’m sure you can get through this, Jennie. Wherever there’s a way in, there’s a way out..
Just ordered the book.
Hugs..
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
Mantra of the day “Wherever there’s a way in, there’s a way out.” Thank you for both of these… xo
travelingb
July 20, 2012
i am not totally sure how i feel about hypnosis, but a friend says it has helped her….
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
I’ve thought about it~ so expensive! A last resort type of thing…
davy
July 20, 2012
Sorry I cannot empathize your picking compulsion. Do you have an itch that needs scratched? An irritation on your face and back that the ‘picking’ relives?
I would think one of these medical or pseudo-medical professionals you have around you would have an answer. Hypnotherapy perhaps?
sogetthis99
July 20, 2012
I could send you a picture of the fingernail I’ve been working on for decades. You could carry that picture in your dominant scratching hand and look at it as a sort of ghost of the future, every time you get the urge. You might be so grossed out that you’ll get sick of scratching. This might be called aversion therapy. When I think how horrible my finger looks I justify it by thinking of it as my alcohol, meth, drug, obsessive-compulsive, gambling, crack smoking, glue sniffing, [fill in the blank] substance abuse addictions I never had….all rolled into one.
You’d be repulsed….guaranteed. Enough to quit?? Not so sure.
CanadaPat
July 20, 2012
With respect my dearest Jennie, have you considered the possibility that it is okay to pick the hell out of your body. Afterall, if the sky didn’t split open for God to reach down and point a scolding finger at you as you were doing sexwork then I seriously doubt this manifestation is apocalyptic either.
If you want to pick than pick.
Personally, I easily found a way to be a fan of yours after you stopped adult modeling and started public recovery. I’m sure I will still be a fan if you end up with a bunch of scars figuring out what it all means or what to do about it.
becomingjennie
July 20, 2012
GAH!!! but I don’t want to pick! That’s the whole problem! I find myself doing it subconsciously, and with blood under my nails! I don’t want to destroy my body/mind/soul anymore, and this obsessive compulsive disorder feeds healthy choices! *sigh* today was pretty good though, and i think being accountable here is turning into a great thing!
CanadaPat
July 21, 2012
Ok, ok I get that. Yet at the same time another part of you must want to pick otherwise this wouldn’t be such a battle within you. I’m just trying to be a little counter-intuitive here. To get you to inject a little self-love into the very act of the picking. Why persist to resist when the persistence just brings equal counter-resistence? Isn’t recovery all about surrender?
My opinion:
I think your picking is a valid thing because it is fuelled by some honest feelings you are processing. And as part of your process I don’t have a prolem with it. EVEN IF YOU DO!!! It doesn’t bother me you cannot control whether or not you dig into your face. I just want you to dig into your skin in a loving way.
Myself: I have never not squeezed a zit or blackhead. As a teen I would poke my Mom’s knittling pins in and out of my face to bring out that really deep pussy dirt. At first I did this shit because I feared “pizza-face” remarks from my class-mates but after awhile it became kind of an art because it was kind of satisfying to feel the goo just jump out of my pores. I couldn’t get good grades but damn could I make that crud hit the mirror!!! xD
HT
July 20, 2012
There’s a great book called “Skin Deep: A Mind/Body Program for Healthy Skin” which might help, as it’s all about the relationship between skin issues and mental health (it’s on Amazon). Also, thanks so much for your amazing book, which I just finished. So, so good, and you write in a way that’s compulsively readable. More congratulations than I can possibly convey on all the amazing progress you’ve made!
Dave
July 20, 2012
Heyy Jennie. I dont know if anyone mentioned this as there are a ton of comments but, I’ve always noticed that the little habits I have stem from a specific thought I have at the moment, which may stem from another thought, which may even stem from another. Typically if say, I’m biting a finger nail, or picking, I usually try to identify whatever thought it is that popped into my head JUST before I did said picking/biting. At that point either address that issue, or maybe even more simply allow yourself to feel the emotion itself and accept its presence inside you. Just feel the fear, anger, sadness, whatever, and let it go. Know whatever it is you’re feeling in that moment is perfectly okay… I think your picking urge may go as well. Hope that helps!
Dave
July 20, 2012
Also, if you have any time for reading, there is a book called “Turning your mind into an Ally” by a buddhist monk named Sakyong Mipham… I don’t know if you would be interested in that but I think it would really help improve your meditation if you’re ever interested in getting more involved with it
Jonathan
July 20, 2012
Jennie, you are still an inspiration, don’t forget that.
“New bag of coffee from Costco, the Kirkland Dark Roast to replace the Peet’s I so obnoxiously demanded we drink each morning. Turns out the stuff gets under my skin and makes my feet and fingers move just the same, and is about one-third the price.”
Gee kiddo, I can’t think of what could be contributing to your skin-picking problem.
http://www.skinpick.com/blog/family-caffeine
michael92105
July 21, 2012
Dear Jennie: Wow. Lots of advice! And I notice you have been responding more to the replies than in other posts, so maybe this could be a strategy.
I want to encourage you not to over examine and diagnose yourself. Be easy on yourself, please!! These things come and go. I have had to learn the hard way to stop trying to fix myself NOW, when I want to
BTW it never worked. “In God’s time, not my time…”
Oh as a side note, William James is a tough read…there are other books about spirituality that are easier to digest. “Father of psychology”. Love that— the parental titles we give people…not my father.
Almost done with your book. It’s been quite an experience for me. I feel I could sit and talk with you for weeks about it. Then again I feel like I know you and even scarier than that, you know me. And you do. Strange but that’s what recovery has to offer, not feeling different and isolated, alone anymore.
I can’t believe what a hard person you were. I don’t think I would have liked you very much. Back in those days I would’ve wanted to hurt you (emotionally) first.
Yet you have blossomed (re-discovered ?) into this honest, vulnerable woman who has such courage. I mean here your are, telling the world about your picking difficulties!!
You are such an example of good recovery. No secrets. This is such an enormous and awesome change that I can’t help but believe that this latest difficulty too, will change with time. I know you probably have heard it before but TIME; Things I Must Earn or as it sometimes feels, Things I Must Endure.
Thank you Jennie, you hang in there!
-mel-
July 21, 2012
Hey Miss Jennie!
I did not know you did this…I do as well…UGH! So I feel your frustration. You had a lot of awesome comments above (some of which I will be reviewing as well)…
Forgive me if I’m repeating, but have you tried the journal thing for a day? Like, every time you have the compulsion to pick you write down *why*?
My picking is usually reserved for my fingers. I used to bite my nails horribly, and have (mostly) stopped that but will still pick obsessively at the skin around my nails. Often when I’m stressed/anxious, sometimes when I’m bored. Since its the skin around my nails that I pick, I find that if I maintain a nice manicure I’m less likely to pick… But, again, it’s definitely a stress/anxiety thing. So I just have to be very conscious about it & try to redirect when I catch myself. I know it’s not easy!!!
Holli
July 21, 2012
I do this too. The picking. I suffer from OCD shit like this and at 38 years old I’m still doing it. I’ve noticed that I do it when I’m still. Like watching a movie or TV show or waiting on something. I think my picking as more to do with ADD than OCD. I have other issues in that dept. Like the counting thing. I can count stuff even as I’m having a conversation with someone. That’s when you know you’re really bad haha!
Holli
July 21, 2012
I’ve often found that when I start wanting to scratch and pick at my face eating sunflower seed helps. I can’t spit the shells out…. I have to crack it with my teeth and then peel it apart with my fingers and that really gets the urge out of me. I also keep a pen or pencil in my hand and I flip it around my fingers or fiddle with it when I feel like picking.
David
July 21, 2012
Jennie–
Have you heard of Emotional Freedom Technique? I started with a therapist this year for my OCD and have seen results. It has been described as acupuncture for the mind without needles. The core of it is that many of our problems are due to a disruption in the bodies energy system. It might be worth you checking out.
Stuart
July 21, 2012
Hey Jen,
Add one more for the hypnosis: my sis did this recently to help her stop a compulsive eating/snacking thing that was damaging her health. It’s worked incredibly well – like flicking a switch. Seriously, an overnight difference.
Here’s another one: go and learn to ride a motorcycle. I did this two years ago and it helped me regain a sense of control over myself that I thought I’d lost after my parents’ deaths 10 years ago. It’s the best thing I ever did, plus it’s cool as f**k…
One more thing – the great novelist John Updike, on book reviews:
“Writing criticism is to writing fiction and poetry [and unflinching memoirs] what hugging the shore is to sailing the open sea.”
The parentheses are mine ‘cos I think it counts. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.
Keep the faith!
becomingjennie
July 21, 2012
Wonderful advice! Mr. Man worries when I ride my bicycle haha, I bet he’d love to for me to get a real bike!
And much appreciated Updike quote…
Stewart Forgie
July 21, 2012
My post at the start of this thread seems to have been removed. I hope I didnt break any rules?
becomingjennie
July 21, 2012
No I haven’t removed anything! Wonder what happened? (I, admittedly, could have pushed a button and screwed things up)
bishoplong
July 21, 2012
Jennie:
The good news is the picking and resulting damage was not visible to me when I recently saw you on TV with the Doctor as you were speaking of your book. I am struggling with my obsession and will include you in my daily prayers to lift you up for relief from the picking obsession. Remeber, we like you just the way you are.
Warm Regards.
Mark
July 21, 2012
Another thought, Jennie – have you ever thought of trying a triathlon? Training for a race like that (on your new bike!?) requires time and focus that may distract you from le pickage…I’ll bet there is that there is a wonderful support community for triathletes in CA – and you sure have great weather for training. Thoughts on getting started: http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/Ron/training%20for%20your%20first.htm
Stewart Forgie
July 22, 2012
Well as long as I havent scewed up anything lol. I hope you managed to follow the link before it disappeared. My Book finaly arrived from Amzon UK yesterday so I’m looking forward to getting into it at last.
TeachAloha
July 22, 2012
Jennie, Something that I found really helpful for my anxiety and the compulsions that manifested from it was complimenting my “talk” therapy with somatic experiencing therapy.
(from wikipedia) “Somatic Experiencing attempts to promote awareness and release of physical tension that proponents believe remains in the body in the aftermath of trauma.”
While I was doing great on paper in the “move on with my life after a F’d up childhood/young adulthood” department I never realized how much my body was holding on to the need to live in the constant state of unrest and unpredictability I grew up in. While emotionally I was in a great place, it took my body a bit longer to get there.
BTW I have been following your story from just about day one & am so proud of you and so thankful for your bravery and willingness to tell your story.
becomingjennie
July 26, 2012
Thank you for the suggestion~ did you go to a therapist? Psychiatrist?
TeachAloha
August 2, 2012
I see a Psychotherapist who is also trained as a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. I found a lot of great information here: http://www.traumahealing.com
It’s been really helpful to get my mind & body on the same (good) page:)
RJ
July 22, 2012
Jennie, I pick at my scalp compulsively. I did it a lot as a child, then I mostly stopped, and lately since I have been under a ton of stress, it has come back really strongly. I am 33 years old and I just can’t seem to stop. I will be at work, and notice someone looking at me with a weird, disgusted look on their face, and then I will realize that I am doing the pick-pick-pick. I will be working away with my dominant hand, and then my left hand will be picking, and I barely even notice because it feels like a soothing drug when I do it. However, when I stop, I realize that it is disgusting and painful. I am grateful that I don’t have bald spots (yet) but I really want to stop before it reaches that point. I live in a really remote area but I would like to try hypnosis someday. If you try hypnosis, please let us know how it goes! (if you are comfortable with sharing that).
becomingjennie
July 26, 2012
You and me RJ, man, it’s tough. There have been some great suggestions here, so make sure to check out the comments portion of this post! Also, feel free to post back on here about your progress… I’d love to be accountabilabuddies!
RJ
July 26, 2012
Thanks so much! I love the suggestions in this thread. You have such a wonderful blog, I really appreciate you sharing your story and your journey with us.
I am under a huge amount of stress at work. I am also really stressed in my personal life, I basically don’t have much to live for or much of a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I live in a remote area and it is so hard. I want to move but I can’t afford it. I am really questioning my life choices and whether I am in the right job. If I moved to a bigger city I could go to 12 step meetings (I have issues with food and I come from an alcoholic family), and I would have a lot more support, as well as access to doctors who can treat anxiety. I have health insurance but I can’t seem to get anyone to actually treat my anxiety. I keep telling my doctor and they don’t do anything about it. They know I can’t take benzos (I get aggressive on them) and I can’t take antidepressants/SSRIs (I have bipolar), so I guess they figure f**k you, deal with it because I don’t have anything else in my doctory toolkit to help you. So I’m working on saving enough to leave.
I have been going to a weekly meditation class. It is an active meditation, so we get to shake out the toxins to music for 15 minutes, dance for 15 minutes, then meditate sitting for 15 minutes. Then for the final 15 minutes, we meditate lying down in silence. The class structure and group energy make it really easy to do.
Another thing I am doing is using a medicated shampoo on my scalp every day. I have extremely dry hair so at first I was scared to shampoo every day. However, if I use this stuff every day, it helps heal the skin so there aren’t those tempting ragged edges to pick at. Another thing I am doing, is that I got a fancy insulated water bottle. If I notice that I’m picking, I just stop and reach for the water bottle and take a sip. It is a nice way for me to stay hydrated and to helpfully distract myself in a loving, nonjudgmental way when I pick. I am thinking about tricking out my water bottle with some cool stickers and stuff, I bet my inner child would like that.
I hear you about “oh this is just an itch, I am just normally scratching my itch like a normal person”. It is way too easy for me to use that one as an excuse too. I started using my knuckles to press down on my skin where I have an itch, instead of using my nails to scratch it. That way it is impossible for me to do the pick-pick-pick.
I really miss the zoned-out, spaced-out, wonderful blissful feeling of when I do pick. Since I am trying not to pick, I can’t figure out where to get that anywhere else. I want it back, but is it addictive to want that feeling back? Is that how “normal” people feel when they meditate or exercise, I wonder?
I am really interested in the suggestions of other commenters, such as Somatic Experiencing and Hypnosis. I would love to try those. This blog has provided a really helpful place for me to figure out new ways to manage my anxiety.
Janet White
July 23, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I am late to this discussion but I am wondering if you have health insurance? Would you consider going to a psychiatrist for some possible medical help for the OCD component of the picking? It certainly sounds as though you are motivated to work on the behavioral component but I wonder if a non addictive, non sedating anti-depressant might help with the medical aspect of picking.
On another note, I finally received your book in the mail today. There was some delivery hold up. I am half way through it and when reading about you telling Marc about wanting to be a travel writer, I couldn’t help but think you would be a wonderful travel writer. I realize your first love is psychology and I wholeheartedly support it, but I think your writing skills could be utilized in many different areas. Would it be possible to write a piece for the Huffington Post on your recent trip to Africa? I spend a great deal of time reading books written by westerners who go and spend time living in countries with very different cultures than our own. There is a market out there for such books and I think your keen insights would lend itself well to that genre. Just an idea, one which I have no idea how it can actually be realized, but your writing abilities and insights seem to have no limits. Does being a travel writer still interest you at all?
Last, you’re a published author!!! I just thought I would remind you of your recent achievement because I am so very pleased for you!
Janet
becomingjennie
July 25, 2012
I’ve thought about it- would prefer to keep tampering with my biochemistry as a last resort type of thing… But it’s on the list of possibilities…
Asha
July 24, 2012
Hey Jennie, I just ordered your book from Amazon. As i live in Ireland it says I won’t recieve it until September the 3rd!! Don’t know how I will wait so long. I am having a few problems with addiction at the moment. Mostly alcohol. I am now sober two weeks and trying to stay so. It is very difficult as I don’t really have any support. I don’t want to drink as it doesnt add anything to my life only misery but the complusion is so overwhelming sometimes. I really want to change my life and as I am a single mother of a small girl I need to give her the life she deserves. Sometimes everyting just seems so dark. Your writings give me great hope when i am feeling down
I really cannot wait to read your entire story! LOve from Ireland 
becomingjennie
July 25, 2012
Much love back to you Asha, and congrats on the two weeks sober! It’s is difficult to begin, these times will feel the darkest, but reaching out for support is vital. If there are 12-step meetings in your area, don’t be afraid to attend as they have helped many many people. Also, there are great online meetings, not quite the same as in person but with a little girl I understand it may be tough to attend all the time. Feel free to email me (jennie@iamjennie.com) and we can talk about other forms of support.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!
michael92105
July 24, 2012
Dear Jennie,
I know….Yes but it is good to be seen/visible on a bike.
Regarding Mr. Man’s farts-maybe there are some things you should keep secret
Nice looking bike, nobody will notice you
Ride safe and watch out for those cell phone drivers…
Tom Collins
July 24, 2012
Play World of Warcraft. Seriously, that game is so consuming it drives out all other obsessions. When I get into that game I don’t even spend time at porn sites. Anything that trumps sex for a guy can trump picking for a woman.
becomingjennie
July 25, 2012
This is my brother’s strategy in staying out of trouble in the Marines! Excellent advice
Bernie
July 26, 2012
Frankly speaking, I am afraid, playing World of Warcraft would become an addiction for you quite soon. You would spend many hours a day with this game, and there would be no time left for you to write, paint, study or meet friends. Playing online games is in many cases an unhealthy activity. An healthier activity would be to learn how to program, and create your own computer game.
michael92105
July 25, 2012
Dearest Jennie: Relapse dreams are first of all normal and not unusual. Most often they are disturbing for me since I’m not sure if they actually happened in that twilight time between waking and sleep.
Some people think, “hey, I got away with a free one”.
Not so for me. I always feel like shit. Usually followed by guilt and remorse both in the dreams and in that short span upon waking.
For me, I take it as a warning sign that I am “off the beam” and need to do something different quick. Get to another meeting, talk with another person in recovery, pray, journal, read, re-claim my faith and trust in God and spend some quiet time, shutting off my mind for a bit. Many ways to do this.
Whatever it takes to push that fear away and realize that if you do the next right thing you will be okay.
And you will.
I have much faith in you, Mr.Man (sans gas), and all your support people who are available – if you choose to seek them out.
Take good care of yourself,
michael
becomingjennie
July 25, 2012
I totally feel you on the waking up and feeling shitty. I’ve always thought of them as a stark reminder of what it will feel like to start using again.
That being said, your suggestion to step up my program game is a good one- perhaps it’s time to take a commitment!
Tom Collins
July 25, 2012
Whenever we say “No” to something a vacuum is created. So, when you say “No” to something you need to have something else to which you can say “Yes”. People with addictive personalities become mature, healthy people by replacing bad vices with good vices, so to speak.
Our actions are influenced by patterns of thought-biochemical signals that are strengthened every time we use them (whether to think a thought or perform an action). Bad ones need to be interrupted and redirected. Try mini-fasts. Say to yourself “Come Hell or high water, I’m not going to touch my face for the next hour (or 10 minutes, or 5 minutes) and then let yourself do whatever you want as long as it’s not picking. Have something in place that you like to do ready to go when you do this. Go get a milkshake or play WoW (as I mentioned earlier). Then, when you reach the time for the end of the fast, touch your face if you want. However, you might notice that the urge is not as strong as before.
If you aren’t successful don’t beat yourself up. Encourage yourself with compassion the way you would encourage another person who is struggling. Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say out loud to another person. Take care and best wishes.
becomingjennie
July 26, 2012
“Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say out loud to another person”:…compassionate and genius.
I’ve been adding, “May I treat everyone today and I am treated tomorrow,” to the end of my prayers after each yoga session.
William
July 25, 2012
Jennie my wife has been picking like you say for years. The only thing that seems to stop it for her is by removing all stress in her life (which is pretty much impossible), or finding something to occupy her hands. She does it without realizing it so notes, reminding, anything else seems to be ignored.
Good luck with it, I think it’s part acceptance and part finding a toy, pen, whatever to keep your hands busy.
salmacis99
July 26, 2012
Hey Jennie-
Hope all of these great suggestions have helped you out- and I hope you tried the breathing exercises as well. All that matters is that you get this resolved for yourself- here’s to less picking and more signing your books! Sell sell sell!!!
salmacis99
July 26, 2012
Oh, if you’re asking yourself, “What the hell’s he talking about with the breathing exercises??” it confirms that my computer has indeed been messed up for about a week now and a previous comment of mine never made it to you. I’ll explain once I’ve been moderated
salmacis99
August 13, 2012
Ok this is what I thought I posted- I must have screwed it up:
Just wanted to say congrats on the book, and to send you a message about your latest blog- that isn’t a blog I’m not sure if my response was received, because it usually says comment awaiting moderation and you can see what you wrote. So just in case, here’s what I commented, and I hope it can help you out with your compulsive scratching. Scratch that- I KNOW it will! Here it is
Hey Jennie- I’ve got a solution for you that I KNOW will work! I may have posted a link to this website here before, but considering your latest update you really need to check it out:
http://countingbreaths.com/
IT WORKS! I know the man who came up with this system- my friend CS (that’s short for a very long Indian name He actually has my comments about his system at the heading of his website: “Moronically simple, yet works like a charm”. Yep, I’m a little proud that he did that!
Seriously though, it’s a system that using breathing and counting techniques to help chase away the mental popcorn that we’ve all got running around in our heads. It focuses you, and with practice you’ll be doing it without even realizing it. It helps with compulsion, sleep issues, concentration issues, and a host of other things. I KNOW it will help you with this- so check it out and let me know what you think. I truly believe it will be an answer to the prayers you’ve been saying.
On another note- your appearance on Dr. Drew? You nailed it! You were confident, composed, and you looked like a well balanced healthy soul. And I hope that your excellent comments helped those who called and spoke with you. And I hope they buy your book
So….go to the website and get breathing…and counting!!
michael92105
July 26, 2012
Dear Jennie: I finished your book a few days back. Even though I am done reading it, I haven’t really finished it. It will stay with me for a long, long time. I could write a lot but most important is my wanting to say thank you for such courageous honesty. I aspire to be as honest as you. The timing of my reading your story has been deep on too many levels to write here.
You are truly a talented writer. I am grateful that Mr. Man is unselfish and courageous as well in allowing your journey to be shared so openly by so many. He is a power of example of the gift of being able to forgive as well.
And then there is the power of God’s love for us all, even when we can’t love ourselves.
Thank you so much. I wish you continued success in all you do and pray that you never let this gift slip away. It will truly break my heart. As long as we stay in today we have a chance, right?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Take good care and keep writing!
PS the day of your last reply found me having to speak. Not my most favorite thing to do…funny timing about considering a commitment.
pamlala
July 27, 2012
Hi Jennie, Thanks so much for sharing your story, I’m sitting here crying because it resonates with me.
Anyway you know how addiction is an alternate reality and a tune-out from real life so when you find yourself picking, take a deep breath and take a look around you and experience reality and find something awesome about your life or your dreams and goals and think on that for a bit. It helps to re-center and refocus, it brings peace which defeats the need for picking or any other extraneous stuff… you have what you need inside of you so no need for any of that.
It’s best not to trade one addiction for another but to destroy the root, right? And the root is…?
Dennis
July 28, 2012
Jennie,
Just thought about passing on this poem…(Not sure of author?)
A bell isn’t a bell until you ring it.
A song isn’t a song until you sing it.
And the love, that is within us was not put there to stay.
Love isn’t love until you give it away.
Dennis
Jul
July 30, 2012
I once read this button that said “What we resist persists.” That little sentence hit me smack in the face with the realization that I had no acceptance of myself, and I’ve remembered it ever since. At one time I was doing something repeatedly that I didn’t like; I don’t remember what it was, but I remember the feelings of frustration and powerlessness and irritation with myself for not being able to stop doing it. I used to tell myself “I’ve got to stop doing this” over and over, but it only persisted. However, what I need to do was, I had to accept that “Yes, I ———-” (fill in the blank). I was resisting the fact that I was doing whatever it was. As soon as I said to myself, “Yep, you know what, I do this, I am me, and IT’S OK”, it got better! Actually, it got worse for a short period of time, and then it got WAY better. The brief getting worse part comes because resistance is a strong force in me!
I said the Serenity Prayer a lot, kept working on telling myself that I was ok, and talked to people who wouldn’t judge me. The Serenity Prayer really works when I say it sincerely. Can you tell I’m in a twelve step program? Well, I never understood acceptance until I started working those steps, and it’s a lifelong process.
Something else that has worked for me on a physical level with phobias (which are kind of like the flip side of obsessions) is EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, which is a form of energy work that involves rhythmic tapping on certain focal points of the body while saying affirmations and other statements. It can be done by onesself, but I found the best results with a practitioner. (I used to refuse to get on an airplane, but I managed to go overseas after a few visits with an EFT practitioner and doing the homework). Here is a good place to start if you are interested: http://www.eftuniverse.com/
Best wishes to you in all that you do.
RPM
July 30, 2012
Jennie, I would say this, and it’s going to sound bizarre, but swim laps. In a chlorine pool. With flip turns. Work up until you can swim a mile. Then do it every other day. During this you cannot pick. You will be free. Your skin will be beautiful. And you will be beautiful. As you are. Hear this: You are not perfect. You never will be. Your skin won’t be, nothing will be. But you ARE good enough. Very much so. Believe that. Embrace that. You are good enough. Your skin is good enough. Your face is good enough. Let go. Let it be. Swim and be free.
Shaun
July 30, 2012
Dear Jennie,
Hello! Before today, I had never heard of you (or Penny Flame).Then, I read your interview on the Daily Beast, read some of your columns on the Huffington Post, and then ordered your book. I am looking forward to getting it from Amazon in a few days time. I just wanted to say how impressed I am by your HP columns. They are wonderfully written, thoughtful, insightful, and show a lot of knowledge, understanding and compassion. These columns by themselves show that you have a lot, lot more to offer than being an “ex porn star” and I am now going to make a point of reading your work in the future. I hope that your book does really well and that you achieve all of your goals. Your story is truly inspiring and courageous.
Oh, and I hope you arrive at a way to conquer your picking problem. IGood luck!
tom
July 30, 2012
First, I read your book: good job. Please check out the psychological disorder: body dysmorphia disorder. I think you will see similarities in your behavior. The cure? More of what you are already doing: making peace with your self. Expunge the demons! All the best, Dr. Stern
Melissa
August 2, 2012
Hi Jennie. I just finished your book. Read it in about 2 days. I was OBSESSED!! It was so awesome and struck a lot of chords with me. You have a magnetism and I hope that manifests itself positively in your life. As far as the picking thing, I find getting out of my own self and my own mind helps. I volunteer at the Humane Society and while I may get obsessive about being there and taking the dogs out and cleaning like crazy, it’s not hurting anyone, especially myself and it’s actually helping. So maybe you can find some obsession in helping others to cover the time you may be obsessing about and hurting yourself.
L
August 2, 2012
Don’t you just love brain rewiring! Had the same problem. Tried many of the tricks here. What finally worked for me. . .
Rubberbands and olive oil.
Rubberband trick worked and is easy to find in a pinch because we can’t walk through life without a little stress every now and then.
You might consider moving away from all the lotions and shampoos with chemicals and such. Your body is in turmoil, learning to heal. Your addictions are looking for new chemicals. You accept that healing takes time, but what many don’t realize is how sensitive some systems become during the process.
A friend had me switch over to natural solutions and it was amazing how things changed. People laugh, but olive oil does amazing things for the skin and body. The web is full of natural recipes you make yourself for pennies over the fancy stuff most like to buy.
Epic
August 3, 2012
Hi Jennie. I understand your frustration and admire your forthright and insightful ways you tackle obstacles.
I’ve found for me in my recovery that my “problem” is not really my problem. The real problem is how I feel about the problem. For example: you’re picking (in reality, not the end of the world). But it sounds like you get really freaked out when you catch yourself and feel the compulsive “it’s difficult to stop” feelings. Anytime you feel self-critical, unconnected to God, not joyous…that’s a problem.
Can you re-frame things? #1. You are recognizing these “icky” obsessive compulsive feelings when they come up. Bravo. For someone who used to living numb, feeling feelings with no fear, and being able to accurately name them: that’s awesome. (That’s actually a big accomplishment for anyone, even more so with your background).
Everytime you catch yourself, realized you’ve just connected with God. He doesn’t want you hurting they body that He’s loaning you, either. Old habits die hard. But your awareness of this negative habit is God interceding for you, just like you’ve been praying for. And you have a choice: Stop or continue. If you stop, even for 5 seconds and change your activity, congratulate yourself for having resisted a temptation, winning a battle and throw yourself a parade because you are plugged in to God at that moment.
And be grateful. Other people have to pay to fly to India and study with guru to get connected to God. But you see evidence that He’s with you and helping you when you pick. You are blessed.
And good for you for all the other techniques (I love post-it’s too) you’re using. Rewiring your brain is *hard* work. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
And be compassionate to yourself. Because I know you would be compassion toward me if I wrote this same entry on my blog.
You’re rad. Have an awesome day. <3
becomingjennie
August 11, 2012
Wonderful suggestions re God. Thank you. I needed this today.
NF
August 10, 2012
For the acne — try using plain old Dial antibacterial soap on your face & back, and get a back brush for your back. I tried products for years and years, wasted way too much money, and it turned out this was what worked.
My skin type is like yours. Worked for me, and worth a try.
fritzdecat
August 19, 2012
I think the fingernail clipping suggestion needs to happen asap in a triage sense of things, Reroute that energy, you can and will you have the creativity
. Other than that time heals and time flies, good luck
calebdb8
August 29, 2012
My wife and I bought the book. Reading it, liking it. We are also reading The Road Less Traveled. I am not sure if you have read this or not but it is an interesting book for people that want to change their lives. A large portion of the book is about identifying problems in your life, accepting the reality of the world around you, and fixing the problems that you have based on your understanding of the world. I have commented several times under other email accounts. I think this is the second time I have commented using my WordPress account. In April of 2009, I decided to change my life. I had to rebuild most of the foundations that my life was built upon. I have been interested in your journey mainly because you and I started out at about the same time. Were are sober toddlers now or something. So I read your blog, watch some stuff from VH1 and compare where I am to where it seems like you are. You wanted change and you made it happen. I wanted change and somehow I am making it happen too.
Anyway, keep on keeping on. Also, thanks for being an open book. It is strange but it helps me to see that other people have to put up with life also. Live life on life’s terms. One day at a time. Etc.
Regards,
Caleb.
calebdb8
August 29, 2012
There is also something about coffee after you stop drinking. Just something about it. I love it and could drink 6 to 7 cups per day if I let myself. Difficult to explain but I love drinking coffee, even if it is usually just the crap coffee they make for us at work.
This was what I intended to say in my first post but I kept rambling and rambling and forgot all about it.
Discountula
October 10, 2012
You need to grind your own coffee beans and then add a small touch of salt to make the brew more wholesome. Yum