“If you bring out what is in you, what you bring out will save you. If you fail to bring out what is inside you, what you fail to bring out will destroy you.”
from the Gnostic Gospel of St. Thomas via Brendan (many thanks for this…)
The day begins with coffee and a swivel chair that faces my computer and swivels when I am feeling distracted. I took on the task of responding to each comment in the last post, something I think perhaps I should have been doing with each post from the very beginning, as it makes this space more interactive, more alive. Thus, there is a backlog of comments, 44 remain to be approved and responded to, and they will be but I wanted to make sure I wrote here today as it’s been nearly two weeks.
Distancing myself from the honesty I find here is never the answer.
The book has been doing what it’s supposed to be doing, in that it exists in the world and is out of my hands. From the feedback I’ve heard, it is successful in that the people who have read it say it has (helped, been relatable, has been ordered for a second printing, etc). With each comment that you have read the book and can find parts of your story in it, reinforced is the idea that half measures avail me nothing, and that to continue receiving blessings from the program of “life change,” I must give away what I have been given.
On a different and more interesting note, the picking is going better. It is not relieved, but I find that in reading/responding to each wonderful comment, I am becoming more and more accountable in my finger usage. No nails. Just little stubby, non-scratching fingertips. *sigh* I still find myself touching without knowing, fingers grazing shoulders, arms, jawline. But I am catching myself quicker. I’ve joined the support groups suggested, and am looking into SE (something another girlfriend of mine is currently training in). Additionally, with the passing of the book’s publish date, and the ever approaching fall semester, I am hoping that my anxiety levels will decrease – free time during summer vacation was always big trouble time for me – and my levels of serenity will increase as I throw myself back into school, the program, the regular, scheduled life.
On an equally different and interesting note, I applied for an internship about two months back. It’s at a hospital and I wanted to be involved as a clinical care provider, professional gopher, go getter of things. I wrote a pretty kick-ass application, sent in a resume and waited. When I first wrote a resume post porn, which I thankfully couldn’t find, it was awful. There was an eight year gap where nothing but questions could sit, “What were you doing between 2001-2009?” “How did you make money for those eight years?” “What studio did you manage?” The new resume I wrote and sent into the hospital internship program was fucking awesome. Book. Huffington. Becoming Jennie. Hostess Extraordinaire. All of these things that I felt super excited to put into the world. I waited, and waited, and was invited to an interview.
I thought I blew the interview when I told them (jokingly) that I’d obviously be playing angry birds during any downtime. Thankfully, they knew it was a joke, and I was invited for training. It’s this Saturday and Sunday, next Saturday as well, and you all taught me how to do these things. How to show up for myself. How to fill out the application. How to dress professionally, a statement that may seem funny but I’ve put a lot of effort into making sure that every picture shared on this website is of the utmost professional and appropriate nature. You have all taught me how to follow through the steps, how to be accountable, how to do the footwork. So thank you for that.
And so life continues. I will keep showing up. I am hiking today with Sarah Tomlinson and Saucerton Dogsworth, the loveliest ladies in my life. I have a lunch with an old friend and work the closing shift at the restaurant, which will provide me an excellent opportunity to continue the process of taking “moral inventory” of myself. Someone, in a comment on a different post, asked why I didn’t just “slink into the shadows,” why I had to “seek attention.”
I’d just like to say, openly and honestly here, that I engage in attention seeking behavior as part of the nature of addiction. I try not to do that, but it is something on which I work. And to “slink into the shadows,” is a shameful and condemning way to encourage someone to leave the adult industry or any sort of addiction riddled life. I do not wish to forget or shut the door on my past. I am not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. I am not going to make them again but it does not mean that I am ashamed anymore. 
By being open and honest about the journey away from adult, and by sharing my struggles with addiction here, by walking with my head up and facing into the light, there is the potential to help another recovering (porn star, alcoholic, addict). This journey is not for or about me. This journey is happening through me.
henry
August 2, 2012
I have to say..your story really has made me cry tears of joy.
There are many of us..people with pain..no ability to move past it..hurting ourselves and the ones we love all around us…because we know no better way to live.
We were hurt by someone, I was bullied for 10 years and I think it nearly killed my soul. I stopped caring, stopped feeling. My addiction was food. I ate my pain away.
You have really inspired me and shown me, and I am sure many others, that there is a way back, no matter how deep the hole you have crawled in goes down to hell.
When I was 21 years old, I gave up on all my dreams. Took a shitty job, threw all my friends and family away.
Why?
I could not confront them about things that bothered me in the those relationships. Being bullied, all I knew how to do was run…run as fast as I could.
One day, I turned around…I realized how far I had run away from where I wanted to be in my life.
I became very depressed.
Somehow, maybe from hearing about your story, and others, I turned around.
I walked back in the other direction. It hurt like hell. I had to face those demons from my past. Look them in the eyes. I went into therapy.
In the process, I felt again. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel pain…and not run.
Today, my journey, like yours…is not over.
Will it ever be?
No.
Healing and learning to forgive yourself for past mistakes is a life long process. Today, at 33, I went back to college, finished with 2 bachelors degrees, I am completing my Master’s at one of the world’s most prestigious universities, and work full-time in the field I love.
So keep going. I promise, if you can open your hear to what is possible, NOTHING is impossible.
becomingjennie
August 11, 2012
You are an inspiration my friend. Thank you for sharing your story here.
craig
August 2, 2012
you control the journey…you have free will…as far as the chains that bind you to your past…and even future, have been broken…2000 plus years ago by a Jewish carpenter on a cross.
-mel-
August 2, 2012
This journey IS for, about AND through you. You know I’ve said you’ve already inspired me immeasurably, and I am thrilled to be learning & paying it forward as well… I have no doubt others are doing the same.
And as always, I’m so proud of you for your internship, impending semester & progress overall…keep up the amazing work!!
Hugs…!
Alannah
August 2, 2012
I love this, and I love your honesty and openness and proof that “showing up” and being accountable yields positive results. I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for sharing your journey here.
Gary
August 2, 2012
I quit smoking cigarettes. It’s hard. It’s been over 3 months, but seems like 30 years ago that I had my last smoke (they say time flies when you’re having fun….so does that mean I’ve been miserable since quitting lol?!?). I’m pretty much still addicting to weed and porn, but hey, baby steps….baby steps. Want to hear something kooky? I find your blogs to be therapy of a sort…makes me feel like I’m not alone out there, ya know? Good shit homegirl, keep it rolling.
Peter
August 2, 2012
Trying to do my part to help by stating at the outset: you need not reply!
I’m constantly astounded and inspired at your diligence in not merely reading the comments of those who wish you well, but replying – and with genuine grace and grounded honesty.
Your concerns surrounding attention-seeking seem very complex, yet necessary – as difficult as may be to maintain your centered self, I believe you’ll do it. Embracing certain trigger behaviors by keeping yourself public/in the spotlight addresses the far more destructive shame component. Rather like the struggles encountered by those who struggle with eating disorders – you can’t simply stop eating, even though the act of doing so provokes overwhelming emotional upheaval. Hardly straightforward.
It isn’t the same of course, yet triggering is a delicate thing that you appear very vigilant about. Brava.
firstverb
August 2, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
Excellent, you make each of us proud for you. Hope you included guest lecturer at Harvard University on that resume. You will do great, you excel at all that you put your mind to. I hope the facility is an above average sort of place, other wise it might give you frustrations and have you questioning the experience. I hope not though we need more caring professionals in the hospitals, which I feel you will be one of. Have a fine rest of your week dear lady. happiness & smiles
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
SHIT I totally forgot!!! Excellent reminder my friend. Will be adding that today…
Stephster
August 2, 2012
I wouldn’t say that you are “seeking attention” (If that is what the commentor feels since you are writing here, and publishing your book, etc.) but rather you’ve learned something extremely valuable about healing yourself and instead of keeping it to yourself, you are reaching out to let others know that they aren’t alone…which is invaluable. People have experiences that effect them differently and so it’s easy for someone to feel that they are alone. Some of the people reading may not experience the same things that you have, but feeling scared, vulnerable, angry, etc. is familiar to everyone.
PS: I have finished your book, however, I have some scary changes happening in the next month (like moving out of my current unhealthy home situation and into a healthier environment) that are freaking me out and monopolizing my focus . Combine that with a new addition to my family (in the form of a cute, adorable, obnoxious, attention-demanding kitten who goes by the name of Zoey Dangerkitteh) school, and the fact that there are some parts of your book that hit me in such a way that I must go back to re-read and analyze…it’s going to be a few more weeks before I can sit down and write it.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
I think the wonderful thing about change is that just when we think we can’t take anymore, the changes have already started to happen. Take each day as it comes, each moment as it comes, each Zoey Dangerkitteh bite as it comes – fantastic name btw – and know that you are loved. Your life is changing for the better. You are making decisions for yourself that are aligned with the healthier version of you. You are doing the work.
You are not alone. xoxo
Stephster
August 6, 2012
Change scares the bejeezus out of me.
Dave
August 2, 2012
Wow. I love your honesty and courage to be you. You always continue to show such grace and love through challenges. Ive said it a lot but I really mean it when I say thank you for sharing all this with us. It honestly inspires me to do more in life and helps me to break through, as the Shambhala Buddhist faith puts it, my “cocoon,” my “comfort zone,” the intoxicating web of anxiety/depression we build, ironically enough, to keep us safe. Thank you for this blog and your words. And congratulations on your internship
You do so much living. Love where you are and who you are today because it’s more you than you have ever been and that’s all anyone needs to be, their selves.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
“Love where you are and who you are today because it’s more than you have ever been.”
Perfect. Amazing. Mantra of the day. Thank you for this Dave.
Dave
August 4, 2012
You are soo welcome Mizz Ketcham
Earl
August 2, 2012
“This journey is not for or about me. This journey is happening through me.” Jennie, to me you seem wise beyond your years.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
I am constantly reminded by my sponsor that this is not for me and am so blessed that she is in my life to remind me of why my life is possible. I wish I could take all the credit…
HT
August 2, 2012
Did you find it weird when the book became an object out there in the world? For mine (an academic one that no-one will actually read, unlike yours, which loads of people will read!) it was such a weird moment. I think I had post partum depression. It’s so odd to see the long, torturous writing process result in a physical thing. Anyways, it’s a great book, so I hope it feels good to have it out there!
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
TOTALLY!!! Such a strange, heavy thing. When they first sent it to me I couldn’t believe how big it was. In my mind, it had become this compressed file, a little button on my computer. But then. In the real, physical world. Holy man.
And people will read your book! Academics will read it, and they will reference it for other academics to read. I feel like that’s very exciting. I also think it’s neat that classes will be required to read your book, yes, I say that with total shamelessness. haha.
But yes, very strange moment indeed.
Invisible Mikey
August 2, 2012
People sometimes confuse “seeking attention” with the normal need for validation. We all want to be held in esteem by people whose approval we value, and we do and say esteem-worthy (estimable) things to earn it. I see the distinction between being proud of work you produced in adult films, and learning to regret when you hurt yourself or others in the course of doing it. I think your experiences and struggles will be an asset in a clinical situation.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Thank you Mikey, I certainly hope so. It is a very fine line though, and I often feel as if I dance over it. Now I’m safe! Now I’m unhealthy! Dancing all day. I suppose the sobriety comes in that awareness, the awareness that sometimes, I’m doing things to feel validated. And sometimes, it’s from an authentic place. Always appreciate your shares…
Zephyr
August 2, 2012
Thank you for sharing the range of life as it is happening through you now. Shame enshrouds and suffocates honest, passionate living. Avoiding this quicksand is paramount to progress.
I’m going to try socializing one simple issue in my life to see how the responses go. I don’t mean to co-opt your sharing space, so apologies in advance.
I just tried to make a deal with someone to change my behavior around nail biting, and caught myself making a super mistake. I am the one responsible for my behavior, and by attempting to entrap someone else I was building an excuse for continuing biting my nails. Am I happy about it? Absolutely, because catching myself building the excuse and stopping the behavior is an act of awareness and change.
Okay, experiment over. Thanks so much for making giving back what you’ve been given a priority. More work to do for sure, I’ll keep coming back. Cheers!
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
I love experiments!!! (as my old neighbor will tell you!) I did the same with Mr. Man and the picking, and came to the same conclusion (via my sponsor of course, who sees things long before I do haha). Not only was I building an excuse to continue picking, but I was also building in a fall guy, HE would be the reason I couldn’t stop because HE wouldn’t tell me to stop all the time! Gah!
I love that you shared this. Its exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I am responsible for my behavior, good and bad. And that’s okay.
Shannon
August 2, 2012
Thank you Dear Jennie for not slinking away into the shadows and sharing your experience, strength, and hope with us. It has been a joy to watch your recovery and growth. You are an amazing woman and have worked so hard over the last several years on your recovery. I am so happy that the promises are coming true for you!
I should be doing something else right now…..Writing for my online meeting but saw your post and had to leave you a note. Following your journey has been such a blessing and a joy. I truly look forward to reading your posts and hearing what’s going on in your life. I relate to so much that you share.
I am almost finished with your book and have loved getting to know you better through your writing. I cannot believe you grew up in Moraga and Lafayette. I am right down the road in San Ramon!
Your Sister in Sobriety and Recovery,
Shannon
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Amazing! I lived in the San Ramon Residence Inn when I first moved to California! And then Concord to Moraga/Lafayette. Have to admit I really miss the Bay and secretly hope to make it back. I love that if I ever do, I will have a sober sister there to hang out with.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and be here, and for sharing my words and thoughts.
xox and have a beautiful day!
Shannon
August 3, 2012
Thanks for the response Jennie!!!!! If you ever come up to the East Bay and need some good women’s meetings hit me up. I would love to meet you in person and give you a big hug!
I must confess, I finished your book and just rented the season of Sex Rehab and Sober House to reflect back on your journey. It is amazing how you transformed physically and emotionally from one show to the next.
I hope you, Mr. Man and Saucy have a good weekend.
Lots of love,
Shannon
Bill from Ohio
August 2, 2012
Hi Jennie. I read your book and it was great. I admired your honesty in telling what were some very personal, hurtful experiences. You are an amazing and gifted writer. I got the library in my town to order your book so now it is at the Columbus Public Library where I hope others will check it out and enjoy it as much as I did. Keep working hard in your studies and continue writing your honest, insightful blogs. I enjoy reading them as much as I did your book.
Jennie, I was attracted to you at first sight. Unfortunately, it was as “Dolly” when I accidentally clicked on an email that advertised your “website”. As I’ve followed your career over the years, I am more impressed by not just your physical beauty, but by your obvious intellegence and extraordinary talent for writing and painting. Your post adult career has truly been impressive to me and I’ll keep following you as a fan. Here’s wishing you nothing but the best. You’ve truly earned it.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Thank you Bill, for sharing me with your town, and now sharing yourself and your truth with me here. xo
Kristianna Berger
August 2, 2012
Beautiful. Really needed this tonight. Thank you and good luck. Take care of you, Kristianna
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
xox, thank you Kristianna… xo
Brendan
August 3, 2012
Lovely, written-from-inside-one’s skin post. (A difficult place for an addict to live in–we’re always looking to escape the intolerable feelings of being who we are…) Some sweet humility here, which is such a serene feeling, isn’t it? I liked what you said about the book (“… doing what it’s supposed to be doing…”) There is a service side and a commercial, self-serving side to any accomplishment in this dingdong world. Success can be pure whiskey on the brain — more dangerous than all the failures we experience. Who doesn’t work a program hardest when times are tough? But keeping grounded in the essentials will see you through the high points just as well as the low. Service work will save you when nothing else seems to. So congrats on the journey; as the Big Book of AA says, the best days of our lives are (always) yet to come! Glad you enjoyed the St. Thomas quote; it will keep you writing for decades, and allow rich conversation with so many fellow travelers. — Brendan (my anonymous online handle; it keeps me just another voice in the rooms…)
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Thanks again for the quote… you can see it inspired quite a bit of thought (and yes, even some serenity) in me. And it’s funny how the program works… I never seem to want to drink when times are bad. Like I revel in the feeling of badness. But once I start to feel good, it’s time to tamp it all back down into numbness or badness. I suppose that is a blessing because I find the times I need to work hardest are when I’m high on life and feeling like it’s a sunny, bike ride day.
And thank you for the reminder about service. I try to be of service in every action I take. Thanks Brendan!
b
August 3, 2012
That was a lovely post. Thank you for reminding me (us all, actually) that the “shame train” is a not the train to get on (usually it speeds out of control)…. “Slinking into the shadows” reinforces that shame and keeps you in a role of victim, i believe. By taking responsibility, learning to sooth your shame or move past it, get out of your own way, and remember where you are from, not only helps you, but can propel others into a place where they feel safe and confident that they too can also overcome (heal). So no matter what choices you make, or how you choose to heal, being up front and accountable is always a good option. Thank you for sharing your time and experiences. I hope that no one will take the other option of being secretive, and choosing to keep their trauma (or what ever you should choose to call it) bottled up and hidden.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Great post B, you are right. We are only as sick as our secrets…
Jaimie
August 3, 2012
Hi Jennie, it is inspiring to read your posts and I am about halfway through your book which I love. I’ve always measured sex with self worth and if a guy didn’t want me, I’d feel unwanted and defeated. It took a few guys who helped point out I may have A problem so I’ve tried to replace one addiction with another , getting fit and making healthy life choices. I’m getting a lot more confident as a woman (im 25) and hope to.be able to find a meaningful relationship with someone who loves me than obvious good times. Thank you for continuing to.inspire me and I look to you as a role model as I work through my own addictions
Jaimie
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
I am glad that you can identify with my story and even more glad that you are seeking healthier life choices. It is amazing the things we find our confidence in, and how those things shift as we become different women. Glad you are here Jaimie…
Stewart Forgie
August 3, 2012
That’s a great reply as to why you shouldn’t just “slink away” Jennie. Everyone who does just “slink away”, deprives countless addicts the opportunity to be helped. Great news about the second printing. Have you got a timeline as to when you will be sending out the bookplates yet?
And finally, well done on aceing the interview but just be very carefull that you dont overstretch yourself. Keep your own personal priorities to the fore. Regardless of how much you want to help others, you wont be able to do squat for others if you don’t do whats needed for you.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Yes, always sage advice. Recovery is the fist 10% so that I get the other 90%. I am thrilled to be going back into school if not just for the fact that I’ll have a super set schedule and can get back into my meeting groove.
Still waiting for the bookplates to show up~ They sent the wrong ones (doh!) and have since had to print up totally different ones. Go figure. Sorry for the delay!
firstverb
August 3, 2012
Good morning Hope you and Mr Man have an incredible weekend. Well the parts where yall get to see each other. Not that yall can’t have a great weekend apart. Did some youtube watching yesterday and saw your interview from 2010 with, on I can’t remember her name. It seemed almost like a therapy session between the two of you. Also enjoyed the phone interview with the radio station. I especially like the part where you spoke of Mr Man.He is very special I am so happy that yall are sharing and growing together. Well that’s it.Have a lovely day spreading the little butterflies with each of your smiles.
becomingjennie
August 3, 2012
Crazy that youtube video right? I don’t think she necessarily wanted to hear what I had to say but… c’est la vie… Thanks Grant…
chicostephenson
August 3, 2012
you should never be ashamed nor forget the past. those are the things that make you you. and you are a wonderful person. try to remember that. (and not pick so much)
foofoo5
August 3, 2012
Like it or not, no one has come up with a better explanation than the Freuds (that would be Anna & the Boss), that the largest portion of our sense of self-worth is a reflection of what others think about us. It’s unavoidable. In my mind, this is the single best argument for surrounding myself with the healthiest, most honest, and insightful people to be my loved ones and friends (and sponsors & therapists & doctors). Leave it to Rocky Balboa to observe: “Hang around with coconuts and you turn into a coconut.”
Of interest: I have been meaning to ask, while you did post a photo of your book “signing,” and mentioned “responding to each comment,” you have made no recent comment as to the status of your “refractory” wrist injury. What’s the yay? And now that you’re going to a hospital, ALWAYS wash your mitts!
Of interest 2: Congrats on the internship! It’s a way to later be “remembered” for clinical placements, required and/or paid. However, gophers/go-getters are extraordinarily unlike “clinical providers.” One may awaken with a dilemma, while the other jerks awake with a start screaming, “I am a scut monkey! A-h-h-h-h!” Never transport fluids generated by human beings. Never offer nor accept an offer to retrieve lab results. You will regret the day you were born.
Ricky
August 3, 2012
Repost (left under the Kraken mid July)
Jennie,
I purchased your book on Kobo the other day and read it in one sitting…. mostly lying down actually… flipping the pages of my tablet all through the night. It was well worth a sleepless night. It took ten hours or so if you are curious. You are a courageous person and a talented artist. Courageous because you expressed your life story so candidly, authentically, and without moral censorship. This takes a lot of fortitude, bearing yourself in this fashion, revealing a “nakedness” of the soul, so to speak. A talented artist as well since you unfurled your story in vivid detail all the while keeping the reader glued to the narrative. Quel roman magnifique! (hope you kept up with French).
(SPOILER ALERT)
As I was finishing the book, I was full of anticipation, as I often am when finishing a good fiction novel. Will she reconcile and fall in love with one of her ex’s? What happened to Marc? Will she make it through her year of celibacy? When I emerged out of my hibernation in the morning, having just read how you and your father reconciled, I was filled with tearful hope in the future as I am going through a rough patch; almost 3 years sober but in somewhat of a numbing lull.
I gave my two year-old daughter a huge hug and patted my eight year old son on the head. You may one day experience this kind of unconditional love yourself with your own progeny. You will then understand that a parent is never flawless but the depth of their feelings and self sacrifice towards their children can sometimes be abysmal. This may be what your father held on to … I am not sure that I would be able to face 13 years of emotional silence from mine.
I was uplifted by your story, a sort of bildungsroman for the social media and porn age. I’ve posted a review in Good Reads; many others are also very positive. You deserve all these accolades.
I would like to convey my strongest hope for your continued sobriety, emotional growth with Mr. Man, personal fulfilment and continued success, not under the spotlights of the camera but rather in all creative and narrative forms.
Shannon
August 3, 2012
Jennie,
I have nearly 3 years sobriety and am always looking for new ways to be inspired and keep improving. I know what it is like to carry all of that guilt around from the things that we have done. I hope it helps you to know that you are paying it forward in immeasurable ways by sharing your story with us. The book was lovely and inspiring, I couldn’t put it down.
Keep up the great work you are doing, you’ll never know all of the people that you touch but believe me, we are out there! Thanks.
Shannon
Holli
August 4, 2012
I don’t think you should slink into the shadows… I don’t think ANYONE should. I think we heal by being open and honest about things that have happened to us and by sharing those experiences with others we help each other to heal. That’s honest living.
I want to tell you that I’ve really connected with things you’ve written about in your book…. feelings that you had and the ways you handled what was going on around you. The train and conductor incident really hit home for me and made me realize that I don’t have to squash those fucked up events down anymore. You’ve shown me that it’s ok to talk about it. I thank you Jennie.
michael92105
August 5, 2012
Dearest Jennie: As always very well written and very insightful. You are one busy woman! I do hope you take time out to rest. I have found I need rest in my recovery and that being too busy can be a distraction and another means of avoiding working on myself…but that’s me.
So your book continues to roll around in my head. I love the pet names you got, although some I’m sure you would rather put behind you. I think if I worked in the same restaurant I would call you Jennie Ketchup just for laughs.
I’m also glad you took the link down to “the good old days”. I had wondered about that. Nice to see it gone.
I also loved how you went from using words considered obscene to anatomical all in the same paragraph to get the meaning and message across. At no point did I feel you were trying to get some kind of shock reaction and I appreciate that. It was shocking enough—that you survived and turned into this person that is so remarkable. I am sure God is very pleased with all your effort.
You did a great job describing working the steps, took all the fear out of it for those so fearful of doing them. I wondered why you chose the word sober mentor over sponsor but I think it was wise as it might not scare someone away. The recovery language can be pretty daunting and frightening in the beginning (I guess). For me I was pretty desperate when ready.
I just love how the book flowed, it was so “even”, if that makes sense. I hope it sells well for you.
I didn’t know surviving rape was on hold. I think it’s probably a good thing. So many times I have tried to be everything to everyone and failed miserably.
Lastly, I remember seeing you, I think on “the View” (gag-it was on the tube at the gym at the time), and you mentioned you drank wine “socially”. I remember my heart sinking. I am so glad you gave that up a year and a half ago…such a slippery slope and really not total surrender.
You are doing great and it is a pleasure to be able to send this off across the country and feel a connection with a friend I haven’t met yet.
Thank you for all you do.
michael
thefreshmanexperience
August 5, 2012
I realize everyone else comments on your struggles, successes, and life in general. Some have said what a talented writer you are. I concur with your writing ability. And, I enjoy your sense of humor. To tell folks in an interview that you would play Angry Birds is priceless! I would have hired you because of that answer. Stay strong.
anonymous
August 6, 2012
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
sqt
August 7, 2012
I read your book in a day– I rarely do that. I’m not someone who watches porn but I became acquainted with you through Dr. Drew’s show. I was happy to have a chance to read your story and see that you had continued on your road to recovery. As I finished the book I found myself really wanting a happy ending for you.
You’re an amazing writer. I say this as someone with a journalism degree and some, small experience in the field. It’s not easy to write with the kind of honesty you do. I’ve never had to tackle the intensely personal topics you have, nor have I ever bared my soul to anyone the way you do in your book. To my tame sensibilities the explicitness of your writing was sometimes jaw-dropping but I admire your willingness to bare everything and withstand the scrutiny that comes with it.
You have an amazing way of being clear-eyed about your past and the fact that you don’t point the finger of blame at anyone is worthy of a lot of respect. I wish you nothing but health, happiness and success on your journey.
Just K.
August 7, 2012
Hi Jenni, I stumbled across your book two weeks ago, and read it within a days time…I was in awe of how parallel someone else’s experiences have been to some of my own. Not that I’m not painfully aware others such as ourselves exist in a world where sheer survival is a daily question for so many. Just that you described your life with such raw honestly it forced me to look at my own and really question what am I doing in my own…for me I was so proud of you for the courage to face the fear of the unknown that I myself have yet to muster up within. You are truly resilient and a blessing to have been touched by. I know that change is inevitable and coming within my own life and I just want to say thanks for paving the way and affecting change in my life and many others I’m sure.
michael92105
August 9, 2012
Dear Jennie Ketchup: where are you and what do you mean “And this is not a blog”. Looked for the video mentioned above and noticed right away you both were coming from completely different ends of the spectrum. I’m glad you are where you are.
Glad you spoke the other night. It must be weird being with so many people from a completely different walk of life than mine. But as they say, “from Yale or jail, this disease doesn’t discriminate”.
Take care and remember to hug your dog.
Eric Crease
August 10, 2012
Hi Jennie, I Have been reading your blog and i keep finding my self wanting to sit and just talk with you to ask you questions to see the expressions on your face when you recount some of these events and changes in your life. I feel odd sometimes reading about your New incarnation. I am a fan of your previous one as well. along with my wife. On the screen you drew our attention. as someone we both found evocative and alluring. And as i read your blog I find you to be someone i would call a friend. I know this must sounds odd. I don’t post on blogs a lot I’m not as well versed in the ritual as some. I just wanted to say its amazing to see someone take a step up the ladder of life. To move away from a Nebulous reality that you did to find a path to the stark real world again and to be able to talk about and smile. Is inspiring. To many times you hear about people that just get lost and never seem to find reality again. I offer you a hug and a Smile. And look forward to reading more of your new adventures and expeditions in to the wold of Jennie.
Pragmatic Realist
August 10, 2012
Dear Jenny, even though I live in the east I have developed a great interest in the Navajo people and their way of life. (It’s a long story.) Anyhow I read their newspaper “The Navajo Times” frequently. This week there was a letter to the editor from a Navajo woman in a rehab facility in Prescott, Arizona about her life and some problems she is having. I was trying to think of something I could do, but it is a very far distance for me to check out the situation and do anything meaningful. What to do?? And then, guess what? I though about you and decided that this would be right up your alley in terms of maybe connecting this woman with some resources to help her. I am going to paste in the link to the “Letters to the Editor” section of the Navajo Times. Hers is the second letter.
http://www.navajotimes.com/opinions/2012/0812/080912letters.php
Anousha Nzume
August 12, 2012
Dear Jennie,
You are such an inspiration. I love your writing and you approach to life. It’s life changing. I have been struggling with body and food issues practically my whole life. For a while I even blogged about it but stopped because I didn’t think I had anything important to say to the world. Reading your blog has given me the courage to start again. You teach me, and everyone else, that every day really is a new day. A new chance. A fresh start. I just wanted to let you know that you are helping and inspiring people all the way to Amsterdam, The Netherlands. Thank you so much. Looking forward to your book on Ibooks!
becomingjennie
August 13, 2012
Wonderful! They say that when we “feel like we’ve nothing important to say,” it’s merely the inverse of pride, equally as damaging, and though we may not cause harm to others (not as much as when we are prideful and arrogant), we end up doing incredible damage to ourselves.
I wake up thinking everyone will hate me and I wake up thinking everyone will love me. In both cases, I’m waking up believing how others will view me. Something to work towards letting go.
I am glad you have started to blog again, I’ve found that through public and social commitment, I’ve found the support to and love that fosters the courage and dedication to stay sober one day at a time.
xo
Shelly
August 12, 2012
Jennie, I am in the process of reading your book and am enjoying your story tremendously. I am a special ed teacher who is a recovering addict, myself. I was fortunate enough to go to a rehab program for impaired professionals ten years ago and while there, was surprised to be told I was a sex addict as well, for the way I seemed to display attention seeking behaviors from men. It has been a long journey, but one that I do not regret. Although I am still active in recovery and even work with teaching adolescents who struggle with substance abuse issues, reading your book has been a wonderful “re-educating moment” for me because through you and your experiences, I am finding myself being reminded of all those things I worked so hard on at the beginning of my sobriety that I have forgotten or let slip over time. Thank you for reminding me of some of these basic and “oh so important” lessons of sobriety. Keep up the wonderful work and I look forward to keeping up with your progress! Thank you again for documenting your story for the world to read. Although I am on the other side of the United States, I have enjoyed feeling like you are “the girl next door” who understands the gift of hard won and well deserved sobriety.
becomingjennie
August 13, 2012
Thank you Shelly! I am honored to have become a part of your journey, and inspired that you’ve made your life’s work about helping others. Thank you for reading, for coming here, and for sharing!
Shelly
August 13, 2012
No, THANK YOU, for reminding me of some of the most basic things in recovery that we let slip with the passing of time.
JOlene
August 13, 2012
Hi there, I’m a therapist in the uk and I happened to land upon the airing of the dr drew show on my telly. One doesn’t become a therapist because your life has been rosy, and I too have had to walk through addictions to unhealthy behaviours primarily caused by the past. I want to write to all of you who individually appeared on that show – you were real, honest wonderful and awe inspiring. I have already sent 3 clients home to watch the show. You in particular spoke to my soul – what an incredibly powerful woman you are. Please continue to speak out your truth, help others who need to know there are ways out. And continue being interested and inspired by your self, it’s way better than ignoring your self. Much much love, light and good health coming your way from over the pond x
Lexi
August 15, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I’ve only been reading your blog for a short time. Somehow, I came across it at a time in my life where I’m feeling incredibly weak and discouraged for many reasons. I won’t go into all the details of my struggles and whatnot. I will tell you that your writing inspires and encourages me to keep going.
I cannot wait to buy your book and I look forward to following your continued journey through this blog. Thank you so much for your writing.
- Lexi
carolin
August 18, 2012
Jeannie, I have just watched your interview with Julie Meadows, very impressed with your wise insight into yourself and empathy with others’ experience, also your compassionate assertiveness. You really do know your own mind (something that sounds so simple and is so hard in practice). I think you will be a wonderful clinical psychologist/social worker….the profession needs more like you… you clearly understand the big TRAUMAs and little trauma’s of life….Good luck on your journey…you really are being the change you want to hear in the world…..
becomingjennie
August 20, 2012
Thank you Carolin! That was a tough interview, as Julie and I (seemed to) have different ideas about the adult industry. I often find myself speaking as diplomatically as possible when it comes to conversations with women either in or still near the business, lest I cause more damage than is already being done. But thank you for your words. I can only hope they continue to play out to be true. xo
Hoosier
September 6, 2012
Very insightful closing line about the nature and purpose of your recovery!
Sadie
September 17, 2012
I’m so grateful you didn’t, “Slink into the shadows.” I can’t even tell you how much I share in common with you and how deeply thankful my heart is that you are willing to openly share your story. Discovering your blog and book is truly a blessing of recovery. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder that I am not alone.
becomingjennie
September 17, 2012
Never alone Sadie! xox glad you are here sweet one.
Doug
November 27, 2012
As a addict in recovery I know to slink into the shadows would be a form of isolation, not healthy for any addict. Bravo