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Posted on August 2, 2012

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“If you bring out what is in you, what you bring out will save you. If you fail to bring out what is inside you, what you fail to bring out will destroy you.”

from the Gnostic Gospel of St. Thomas via Brendan (many thanks for this…)

The day begins with coffee and a swivel chair that faces my computer and swivels when I am feeling distracted. I took on the task of responding to each comment in the last post, something I think perhaps I should have been doing with each post from the very beginning, as it makes this space more interactive, more alive. Thus, there is a backlog of comments, 44 remain to be approved and responded to, and they will be but I wanted to make sure I wrote here today as it’s been nearly two weeks.

Distancing myself from the honesty I find here is never the answer.

The book has been doing what it’s supposed to be doing, in that it exists in the world and is out of my hands. From the feedback I’ve heard, it is successful in that the people who have read it say it has (helped, been relatable, has been ordered for a second printing, etc). With each comment that you have read the book and can find parts of your story in it, reinforced is the idea that half measures avail me nothing, and that to continue receiving blessings from the program of “life change,” I must give away what I have been given.

On a different and more interesting note, the picking is going better. It is not relieved, but I find that in reading/responding to each wonderful comment, I am becoming more and more accountable in my finger usage. No nails. Just little stubby, non-scratching fingertips. *sigh* I still find myself touching without knowing, fingers grazing shoulders, arms, jawline. But I am catching myself quicker. I’ve joined the support groups suggested, and am looking into SE (something another girlfriend of mine is currently training in). Additionally, with the passing of the book’s publish date, and the ever approaching fall semester, I am hoping that my anxiety levels will decrease – free time during summer vacation was always big trouble time for me – and my levels of serenity will increase as I throw myself back into school, the program, the regular, scheduled life.

On an equally different and interesting note, I applied for an internship about two months back. It’s at a hospital and I wanted to be involved as a clinical care provider, professional gopher, go getter of things. I wrote a pretty kick-ass application, sent in a resume and waited. When I first wrote a resume post porn, which I thankfully couldn’t find, it was awful. There was an eight year gap where nothing but questions could sit, “What were you doing between 2001-2009?” “How did you make money for those eight years?” “What studio did you manage?” The new resume I wrote and sent into the hospital internship program was fucking awesome. Book. Huffington. Becoming Jennie. Hostess Extraordinaire. All of these things that I felt super excited to put into the world. I waited, and waited, and was invited to an interview.

I thought I blew the interview when I told them (jokingly) that I’d obviously be playing angry birds during any downtime. Thankfully, they knew it was a joke, and I was invited for training. It’s this Saturday and Sunday, next Saturday as well, and you all taught me how to do these things. How to show up for myself. How to fill out the application. How to dress professionally, a statement that may seem funny but I’ve put a lot of effort into making sure that every picture shared on this website is of the utmost professional and appropriate nature. You have all taught me how to follow through the steps, how to be accountable, how to do the footwork. So thank you for that.

And so life continues. I will keep showing up. I am hiking today with Sarah Tomlinson and Saucerton Dogsworth, the loveliest ladies in my life. I have a lunch with an old friend and work the closing shift at the restaurant, which will provide me an excellent opportunity to continue the process of taking “moral inventory” of myself. Someone, in a comment on a different post, asked why I didn’t just “slink into the shadows,” why I had to “seek attention.”

I’d just like to say, openly and honestly here, that I engage in attention seeking behavior as part of the nature of addiction. I try not to do that, but it is something on which I work. And to “slink into the shadows,” is a shameful and condemning way to encourage someone to leave the adult industry or any sort of addiction riddled life. I do not wish to forget or shut the door on my past. I am not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. I am not going to make them again but it does not mean that I am ashamed anymore. (It's not me haha but maybe one day!)

By being open and honest about the journey away from adult, and by sharing my struggles with addiction here, by walking with my head up and facing into the light, there is the potential to help another recovering (porn star, alcoholic, addict). This journey is not for or about me. This journey is happening through me.

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