“Even After All this time The Sun never says to the Earth,
“You owe me.”
Look what happens With a love like that, It lights the whole sky.”
A quote by the Sufi poet, Hafiz, from a friend (many thanks for this day opener).
The day began with a friend and a text message.
Yesterday as I was beginning to trudge through that which is behavioral statistics, I ran into a girl from my last semester’s Women’s Studies class, a totally delightful and compassionate young woman. At the time I was sitting with an old friend, the kind of old friend who not only knew who I was but was/is a young woman of the night as well, whom I’d also randomly run into in the coffee shop.
In fact, I should start this blog differently. Let me replay it.
I was sitting in the coffee shop trudging through my behavioral stats intro when I girl I used to know came in to get a latte. I thought it was her, but didn’t want to call out her fake name as that makes for awkward conversation openers. So I went to her and tapped her on the shoulder and she didn’t seem surprised to see me but she did seem happy which meant we could sit down and share a table. When the Women’s Studies girlfriend approached, the contrast of women was interesting, to say the least.
We started to talk about things passed, of the industry, the syphilis outbreak, the point of going to school and how simplistic pornography can be in terms of what comprises an intellectually challenging career. She mentioned how “stupid” it was, and I mentioned a research project that I’d like to create, looking at attachment styles, abuse etc. Which brought up the very obvious next topic of conversation. Whether or not being a porn star is a viable job option for someone who isn’t already suffering from some sort of attachment, intimacy, self-worth issue.
Now, what we discussed wasn’t as important as the fact that she was and still is performing in scenes. There are bills to pay. A mortgage. A life that has been created and she can’t just “stop” paying her bills and leave as I was blessed enough to be able to do. At the time though, I couldn’t comprehend how one could go to school pursuing the same degree as I, and then in the same week go to work to sell one’s body. To take strides for the betterment of one’s soul while participating in a soul crushing and self-shaming way of making money seems incongruent. Entirely incompatible. This woman is smart, sensitive, and compassionate, all things I felt I couldn’t be while performing and selling my body for much less than my soul is worth. Needless to say, when she compared doing a scene to working at Walmart or something of a similar nature — in regard to how, after a long period of time working either occupation, one will feel the need to do more with one’s life — I was sent reeling into the 4th dimension, and not in the fantastic way Bill talks about it.
I had to make calls after we spoke so that I could reaffirmed working in porn was not equivalent to working at Walmart.
I had to ask people if I was the only one who couldn’t handle the emotional and physical toll it takes on mind, body and spirit.
I had to seek confirmation that selling one’s body reinforces a fundamentally shame based self-worth (at least in this culture), and to do so seems to require some sort of predisposition where this body selling option is a viable option.
The truth is that whether or not she was okay doing what she was doing, I was not okay doing what I was doing. And there are parts of me that are still not okay with it, and I suppose that is because I am still afraid that one day, this beautiful life, this wondrous light that has filled my sky, will fade and I will be back in the dark where it’s okay to get blackout drunk, hurt people I love and sell my body for one thousand two hundred dollars a scene.
It’s the amazing thing about addiction, that at any point, I can lose everything for just one drink.
Found in my Social Psych book
And so it is a staunch reminder that opens my school year. “I must work hard to stay focused.” “I must stay close to stay safe.” “I must stick with the ones doing what I am doing (in recovery terms, the winners).” And “I must remember that these feelings, love, happiness, wonkiness, discomfort, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, all of the feelings that I’ve ever felt and will ever feel, will pass.” These thoughts are contrasted to other, necessary ones, like “Sometimes, I take on too much,” and “It’s okay to take it easy,” or as Jill would say, “Some days are just wonky.” I need the contrast, not the black and white that create problematic thinking, but the spectrum of grey where the line from being healthy to unhealthy is no more than a misstep away and I have an umbrella, a large balancing stick and a safety net to catch me if my thinking begins to fall.
sogetthis99
August 31, 2012
It’s an amazing metamorphosis for you. Three+ years to be in recovery seems like such a miniscule amount of time to have made such strides. 3 years seems like the second hand on the clock has barely moved.
On the other hand the YouTube PF Hollywood Blvd drunk and disorderly videos seem like a world away. I’m so glad I didn’t see any of those YouTubes until after I saw SR with Dr. Drew. If I’d seen them before it would have probably provided good entertainment of a Lindsay Lohan-like party girl. After watching SR seeing those videos is like watching a “walking victim” just waiting for the wrong person to come along.
Congratulations on your continued metamorphosis!
Frank Sherman
August 31, 2012
Jennie, as the first born son of a very prolific novelist, my Dad, Jory Sherman, the more I read your writing, the better I like it. Maybe not hypnotic as an accurate adjective but you grow enjoyably on at least this one reader. I think you have truly been blessed as a writer and, please, keep it up. Thanks, Franknvegas.
Invisible Mikey
August 31, 2012
You might be starting to re-frame “the big problem” in a view more similar to mine. To me, the systemic flaw is a cultural acceptance that everything has, or should have, a numerical price. There are exhibitionists, and swingers, and ordinary folks engaged in various polyamorous lifestyles in which no money is ever exchanged. Some people like to record having sex with each other.
It’s the trade of you-name-it for money that degrades the activity, and in that way it IS like any other McJob, where those paying can assume you need not be personally respected, because they are making it possible for you to pay bills. You can say that many kinds of jobs are demeaning in a tough economy, but I think a Corporatist (it’s also deceitfully labeled “free market”) economy is dependent on eliminating a viable middle class and maintaining control by propaganda and psychological dominance methods.
The “gotta make a living” mentality has blinders on it. If there’s a more ethical social support system in place including universal health care, subsidized higher education and trade schools, and tax credits for re-training toward in-demand professions, then fewer will have to make a living being demeaned. But in this country rewards are instead offered for laying your body down in wars domestic and foreign, or for cheating people out of care (insurance), or for putting people in cages who don’t have the money to buy equal justice, or for selling plastic crap from China, or unhealthy food-like substances and on and on…
I didn’t mean to sound so depressing. There’s always the practice of personal redemption and maintenance that must come about first in order to have the strength to move outward and help a wider circle. I know that’s what you are working on. I just reacted emotionally to the story of your encounter with these different women in light of my own gradual shift from commerce toward service as a foremost motive. There’s a big cost in separating what you choose to do for money from why you do it.
Invisible Mikey
September 1, 2012
Wow! I od’ed on politics, and missed the effing point (and the beauty and openness) of your post. Was I dissociating? LOL, I guess I can lose it all for one newscast. Seriously, there are risks to being married to an ex-news writer, but the upsides far outweigh them.
You’re doing great, just great. Thanks for the book plate, and I hope I don’t end up arguing with empty chairs like Mr. Eastwood…
michael92105
August 31, 2012
Dearest Jennie: Beautifully written. Sometimes I’ve had to go to “that jumping off place” and “as his protection and care with complete abandon”. Complete abandon. Tall order I know, but is my lifestyle worth becoming my death style? All these things, are just things. All I have to do is watch the news and see how a house, car, all my possessions can disappear in a fire, flood, hurricane, etc. Then what am I left with. Myself and hopefully God’s strength to do his will. Heavy and scarey but it truly is reality. Point is I hope your friend finds that Gift of Desperation so if she ever loses her things she can stall proud knowing she still has herself. She’s lucky to have you, but guard yourself. Peace of mind doesn’t come easy.
michael92105
August 31, 2012
Lots of typ-o’s in that one…
Peggy
August 31, 2012
You were smart to seek out the affirmations you needed. The comparison between yourself and this other girl made me think of that between an alcoholic and one who is not addicted: an alcoholic can not have just one drink, but the non-addict can. Maybe thinking about your world in those terms will help you should you get in this situation again.
I’ve been a reader of this blog since I saw you on Sex Rehab but just started commenting occasionally. While I may not be an addict, I have had and still have addicts (both recovering and not) in my life and firmly believe in the 12 steps and what they can offer someone, addict or not. Reading about your journey reminds me of some things I may need to be doing for myself to be healthier and happier.
Thank you so much for sharing!
foofoo5
August 31, 2012
Man, there isn’t a Sufi poet yet that hasn’t gone right over my head…
It is a bit ironic – OK, it’s very ironic – that in the context of behavioural stats, you propose what should be a limited research hypothesis: “being a porn star is (or is not) a viable job option for someone who isn’t already suffering from some sort of attachment, intimacy, self-worth issue.” What follows is “anecdote”: “selling one’s body reinforces a fundamentally shame based self-worth, and to do so seems to require some sort of predisposition where this body selling option is a viable option.” This is a statement that relates to YOU. And there, I believe, it should have ended. While your observation may be “keen,” and eventually demonstrated correct, the data doesn’t exist – at least not in Medline or PsychNet. My thought: the industry (and that woman) is the wrong tree to bark up.
What would it say if the young woman you describe could go in and out of the industry without premorbid or postmorbid pathology? She’s pulling off what you couldn’t? You sound more pissed than righteous. But that’s just ambivalence – feeling to two feelings equally at the same time. She’s doing nothing more than demonstrating we are capable of mediocrity, while you were listening to Axel Rose, “Live and let die.” Sobriety never says, “You owe me,” but you have to pay for life on a higher plane. She’ll never figure that out.
And welcome back to the to the inner punk, right-hand column. You were missed.
pitaire
August 31, 2012
Your anecdote made me immediately think of an aircraft dashboard.
You know that little thing with the floating line which shows the sky and the horizon – the one which says “I’m flying level.” When pilots use that alone they get a view of the world which might be correct, but unless you are getting more info, like speed and altitude for example, or say, just looking out of the windows, you won’t really understand what is actually happening.
The Walmart viewpoint feels like that limited indicator. She may appear to herself and others to be staying aloft, while in reality she may be stalling while remaining level. Or maybe she’s fine now, but she’s ill-equipped to see obstacles, storms, a runway, other aircraft. It might feel like flying and feel safe or at least familiar, but when seen from all angles, it feels terribly risky.
Your blog and your book have always felt like an aircraft which is using all the pilot’s controls, all the data and instincts to find a way out of peril by recognizing real dangers, seeing where the sky and the earth really are. For some, the risks of plummeting from 30,000ft might seem relative, but the ground isn’t.
firstverb
August 31, 2012
A house must be built on solid foundations if it is to last. The same principle applies to man, otherwise he too will sink back into the soft ground and becomes swallowed up by the world of illusion. ~Sai Baba
Miss Jennifer,
Know that you and Mr Man and everyone around you have built this new world on bedrock. Have a great working weekend dear lady. Happiness.
firstverb
August 31, 2012
one more.
A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right. ~Thomas Paine
Shannon
August 31, 2012
Jennie,
I love reading your blog. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience, strength, and hope.
I also get overwhelmed with feelings in sobriety. I have to remind myself that I was numbing myself with substances from the time I was 12 until I sobered up at 38. Feelings are all new to me and you are right this too shall pass.
I’ve been doing some work in my other 12 step program and am on Step One – In the reading they frame Step One around about control and control issues. My life becomes unmanageable when I try to control people, places, and things. In my 3 years of recovery I never saw my control issues in Step One. It was a huge eye opener for me.
I loved what you said about we can lose everything with one drink. It is so true. The losses won’t happen right away but slowly all of the good things in my life will fade away if I pick up that first drink. I don’t ever want to go back to my old way of living. I was such a lonely and angry person. I am grateful that I don’t have to be that person ever again. Today I have choices, and I choose my recovery and I put as much into it as I did into my addiction. I truly believe we get out of it what we put into it.
Even though we have never met I have loved following your journey since I first saw you on VH1 and feel a kinship with you that we are on this recovery path together!
Warmest regards,
Shannon from the East Bay
CanadaPat
August 31, 2012
Another super great post Jennie. Maybe one of the most important yet. It is appropriately strange that I read this specific post after recently seeing a couple films that described the same dicotomy in thinking/behaving of sex-workers trying to get through school. One was a documentary about Annabel Chong’s life and career and the other was a fictional french film called “Student Services”).
I’m glad you were able to resist the contaminating allure of your friend’s rationalizations. One of the interesting things I have learned in the course of my recovery is how infectious mental illness can be. I’m reminded of what you wrote about the cult like indoctrination you notice looking back at your past life. I find that the important question to ask when hearing a person share their belief system is “What purpose does this rationale serve?” You yourself wrote on the back of your book that you had never thought “Jennie, why are you doing this?” The answer (in my experience) is predominantly that the pathogenic belief(s) serves as an attempt to somehow deal with a painful reality.
The cool thing for me reading this blog entry is seeing how you were able to feel yourself in conflict listening to her state of health and manage to erect a boundary between her system and yours.
Personally I think she is trying to test her belief system against yours because she senses at some level that her beliefs aren’t working for her as well as they could. It will likely be tough for her to sort out her beliefs being so intelligent. I am reminded of a Mark Twain quote: “It is harder to convince someone that they have been tricked than it is to trick them.” A small realization came to me on a porn relapse one day when I was watching an interview of Pierre Woodman talking about his recruitment process on the “casting” videos he did. He said he is most successful with “intelligent” girls because “stupid” girls with little education are close minded. I thought that makes a kind of sense since the smarter someone is the greater their potential for complex justifications is as well.
Alex
August 31, 2012
Whenever you are presented with a choice in life that induces hesitation as to which path to follow (e.g. working at Walmart or in ‘the industry’, engaging in a 5 year Mercedes-Benz S-Class lease arrangement or buying a cheap Volkswagen occasion, etc.) you could close your eyes and live through each of the scenarios in your imagination. When doing this for each of the mental movies ask yourself after a couple of minutes: “which is the path that will maintain or facilitate the increase of my degrees of freedom on all levels (materially, mentally, spiritually); not only now, but also in the future?”. You could ask yourself: “which choice will be enriching to the ones I love and hold dear and would fill them with joy?; my father, my brother, my sister, Mr. Man, Angel, Dr. Drew, Jill,….and Jennie of course.” Finally, you could also just sense how each movie feels inside you: does it feel good?; does it instill calm or restlessness?; what are the physical sensations that manifest themselves: sweating, emotions, tears, trembling or pleasant feelings, lightness….In doing this exercise the answers will intuitively present themselves.
Cherish the degrees of freedom you have as contrasted to the girl you met in the coffee shop. She probably would be working at Walmart if she had a choice.
L.C.
August 31, 2012
Dear Jennie,
What seems remarkable about your blog is you seem to be eternally getting closer to that which you want to draw attention too. Sorry I have not been giving you the attention as I have been out of Cyberspace range for most of the time for several months and just checked in to find some marvelous attention getting posts
My perception is you are using many fewer words in fewer posts with more preciseness to convey the your truth to others you brush shoulders with – those you effect and effect you.
But that is rather unremarkable in terns of “attention getting” or the lack there of by profession switch or using fewer four-letter words.
What seems to be much more remarkable is others understanding your meaning — that which you are drawing attention too. What is important is people understand each other not the way in which we dramatize speech or actions. Because no matter what one does or says the only way of knowing how information was received is to ask the receiver. No need for extra drama when people understand. Some where in the road to fewer words was also dropping first one drug and then another. I am guessing it was an evolving recognition that these were not effective ways of communicating your needs.
There is nothing wrong with being naturally gregariously flamboyant or a show-woman as we are all some shades of showman show-woman – attention getting – that’s because as humans we survive in community with others! Wear the attention getting label with pride it means you are alive! And there is everything efficient about being in dialogue to understand community with others. Dialogue is where meaning is communicated and power is shared equally.
Perhaps in the past I have been guilty of commenting on the decrease in four letter words as some symbol or sign of recovery progress to sobriety. A movement toward being less evil, less this or less that, less wrong, less un-civil less ungodly, less dramatic? My understanding not that you have become more Godly more Right etc.
No! it is that you are being heard. And being heard is a continual rehearsal as how to reach others through your voice and acts. So less drama, fewer words, less startling use of shit, fuck, fucking and more ability to check to see how the receiver receives your words and acts. This is a transformation to more efficient connection with community through dialog. Striking -– just fewer words/acts more meaning no triumph over evil just connection with oneself and community.
Your sentence, “It’s the amazing thing about addiction, that at any point, I can lose everything for just one drink.” caught my eye and I rewrote it with an emphasis on life, community well being through connection not the things that diminish empathy like drink.
‘The amazing thing about’ “life” is just one drink diminishes the willingness of connection; Connection the willingness stay in dialogue to check and recheck to ascertain if meaning was actually received. Connection the willingness to maintain community well being.
Enjoy fewer words and the attention getting, which also comes with more efficient connection, good luck Kid, LC
chris Raychel
August 31, 2012
I really believe it’s time for you to take off your mask and be real.
Charlotte
September 4, 2012
Says the person hiding behind a computer screen, judging someone they don’t even know. What gives you the right to say Jennie isn’t being real?
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
He (or she) has been coming here a long time. At first, I deleted the comments, but he (or she) keeps posting. Perhaps he or she feels the need to be heard, perhaps it’s someone who used to know me, perhaps it’s someone who was devastated by the fact that his favorite girl refuses to satisfy his every pornographic whim by being a real person with real feelings, real dreams and real issues. It’s amazing how threatening it is to some people when we begin to change our lives. Because in a way, it means that the way they are living their life is unhealthy and worth changing. Whatever the issue is, thankfully, it belongs to him (or her). But I figured fuck it. Post it. Let the world read.
L.C.
September 16, 2012
Dear Jennie,
I have been doing some catch up on your blog and found your amazing post of September 4. What I see in it and writing this I am fully aware I could be dead wrong is the “embracing of conflict” with this person Chris Raychel. That somehow it is safer that way: to embrace conflict than simply to delete the post. But my understanding is you are being much safer, wiser, and more schooled today than you were in the past in dealing with unpleasant conflicts. Odd that that allowing conflict to mature is safer.
Empathy is not just idle conjecture about walking in someone else’s shoes to make them feel good – therapy. It is an action that seeks to change the dynamic in which pain or discomfort is expressed. I would disagree with Chris Raychel (I don’t recall any of Chris’s past posts) because I find your blog to be very real and a very unmasked attempt to give self-empathy, empathy to others with the intended actions to make a better, safer place for all to live. My reading of your response to Chris is the, action sort. of empathy; with the intent to guess at what Chris may be feeling and needing based on his/her past experiences.
No matter if you guessed remotely correctly, it is an invitation to let Chris know the value of human connection. That others care about Chris, as Chris effects others; just as others effect Chris. I don’t know how to say it, but is there something about being so cut off your self by addiction that it is easier now for you to see how important it is to reach – guess for others – increasing the likelihood of human connection than just stepping aside or deleting?
Don’t just say, “fuck it let the world read”. Pat yourself on the back; for the care you have taken in embracing conflict, guessing (in this case) at Chris’s needs and values. This makes the possibility greater that dialogue, connection leads to safer better world for all of us, thanks Kid and good luck, LC
bishoplong
August 31, 2012
Reality hit you square in the face today. Some people are just happy living they way they think is best, even when it isn’t the best. ( Personnally, I find working at Walmart a disturbing idea as well.) You are right in your thinking. Porn or sexual addiction are destructive because they do not fill that vaccum in our lives we all want filled. That is knowing the truth and being accepted just the way we are.
Trust me your friend has been forced to rationalize her career, she doesn’t see any other choice like you do or I do. My guess is that she envies your choice though she cannot afford to agree with you because in her mind she would lose all she has acquired. Jennie, you now see in life that you have everything to gain, she sees that she has something to lose. Wow, that’s a heavy thought you brought out of me! Thanks.
I daily pray for your happiness and recovery.
bishoplong
chicostephenson
August 31, 2012
You are doing BEYOND well. Don’t let your friend belittle your life’s journey. Everyone’s wired differently. Some people, like me, can do tons o drugs and then one day just stop. No rehab or jail time nothing. I just realized I was on a bad path and got off. I have to tell my friends now in rehab or AA that I’m the wired on. Which is a lie. There are days, especially hard days like today, that I have the overwhelming urge to say “Fuck the world I’m gettin wasted!”
And then I read your blog.
You not only went through it, but help others though it. And all that in just three years, that’s amazing! Keep on keeping on.
Dave
August 31, 2012
You hit it right on the head when you said porn wasn’t for YOU. That is how you have to take it (unless you want to drive yourself batshit crazy
). You can only move forward in life based on how you feel, because if you don’t, then who are you trying to be? What other people want you to be? What you THINK you should be? Be you. That’s all that needs to be done in this life. I struggle with it myself as we all do, but from my experience and the countless experiences of others, there is nothing more rewarding and peaceful than being yourself.
shamu613
August 31, 2012
We’ve had vastly different experiences with our porn careers. I started as a duplicator in 1982, became an videotape editor the next year. For three years starting in 1987 I couldn’t get arrested to save my life and barely scraped by selling plywood. In 1990, I met another editor at a 12 step softball game in Reseda park who gave me a job editing part time. The next year, I quit the plywood job, went back to school to finish my degree still working only 6 hours a day and taking 12 units a semester. By 1993, I got my AA in Econ, bought my first home, a condo and had my own clients while renting time in an edit bay. The 1994 Northridge earthquake destroyed my condo and the edit bay. Within a month, I was in an apartment in Studio City leasing $100,000 worth of editing equipment. The next year I bough a house in Canoga Park and had my own edit bay. I met my soulmate at my housewarming party, *in my living room* of all places.
I spent most of that time dealing with directors, producers and owners like Steve at Vivid, Russ at VCA, Bob at Odyssey Group Video and even Private Video. For many years, I used to edit the opening video for the annual AVN Awards Show. Paul Fishbein asked me and the love of my life to write reviews of BDSM videos for AVN. The next eight years were the most financially successful in my life. Miss M and I married in 2000 and we spent years growing together, learning about each other, exploring all our fantasies and traveling in our spare time.
My business died in 2005 following the death of videotape. The need for independent video editors dried up as editing and authoring software cost only hundreds on computers that cost only a couple of thousand. I became a dinosaur and have not worked since.
Going back to school in my late 30′s to finish what I should have finished in my early thirties was a wonderful time of life. Most of my classmates hadn’t even been born the first time I stepped on that campus. I ended up graduating and receiving my diploma the same day as that plywood company ceased doing business. Just one of the many miracles in my life back then.
During the early years I spent a lot of days on sets either consulting as an editor on what I needed to make a better movie or working as a stage manager on multi-camera shoots. I had the pleasure of meeting many actresses that were smart enough to exploit the industry in order to further a college education, buy a house and even one who was buying up as much real estate as she could. I made many good friends and business contacts that later hired me to edit for them. Sean Michaels is the epitome of a gentleman. Ron Jeremy, ever the cheapskate is also a relative of one of my Jeeping buddies. But, as you know, most of the girls I became friends with, like Laurie Smith and even “Mitch” were also party girls. A lot of cocaine, a Saturday night was an all to familiar occurrence with many of the casual friendships I made with girls I met on sets.
I wasn’t smart enough to learn diddly about cocaine use even after the death of my friend Shauna Grant. It took another few years and receiving my first divorce papers to reach my bottom.
I’m rambling. Maybe soon, after my eyes get fixed and I can start driving again, I’ll come back home for a visit. When I’m able to read again, I will buy your book and I’d like to meet for a coffee and an autograph if that’s cool.
Be well and keep studying.
L
August 31, 2012
They say that no child grows up wanting to be a porn star or a drug dealer. Every once in awhile I think there is one out there that just does it for the fun and the love of it. They roll with it and have no issues with it. The crude just never sticks and like a butterfly the flit to the next big adventure.
We are all so different. How does one explain how one soldier makes it through happy with no issues, while the other is haunted for life? One of the mysteries that makes us humans so interesting, don’t you think?
Fate sent you down the road you needed to be on and then it gave you a road with all the tools needed to see yourself in an honest way that has changed your life. You tackled the road of porn with gusto and it left scars. Those scars will always itch but today you know how to salve them and smooth them in a way that they seldom hurt your life.
I love my scars. They humble me and always remind me of where I have been and how far I have come.
Your road. Your journey. Your amazing success!!
CrookedSpine
August 31, 2012
I’m just now hearing about the big changes in your life, Jennie. Good for you! I hope that you find happiness.
I want you to always remember that you’ve got a lot going for you. You’re obviously intelligent, you have terrific communication skills, you’ve got a great personality, and you’re an utterly charming young woman. Good luck in everything you do.
salmacis99
August 31, 2012
“…I have an umbrella, a large balancing stick and a safety net to catch me if my thinking begins to fall.”
And that’s what you have to keep telling yourself- and you’ll get through every time. Having that conversation with the woman you ran into was probably a very good thing for you. Obviously, it made you re-evaluate your former and current position in life. And hopefully it made you feel very proud of yourself for taking the path you’re on and excelling at it- because you are! From where you were to now? A steady “normal” job, a great guy in your life, your artwork, and a PUBLISHED BOOK for heaven’s sake! You’ve actually become your OWN umbrella, balancing stick and safety net. Don’t forget that all the will and strength that got you to this great point in your life is still inside you and grows with every day that you stay on your path. Yes, it’s true- just the simple act of having a drink could upset your whole apple cart. But the Jennie of today knows better- and knows that a few ounces of liquid in a glass will surely lose in a power struggle with your will to keep your amazing journey moving forward. Know that many, many people believe in you, and never stop believing in yourself. Say that you’re awesome, know it, feel it, and believe it! And to any who say otherwise? Tell them to kiss your sober, educated and published ass
Stewart Forgie
September 1, 2012
Hi Jennie, Its interesting that you say “This woman is smart, sensitive, and compassionate, all things I felt I couldn’t be”. I think you would find that the truth of the matter would be that she would think exactly the same as you if you had asked her. I would bet that she thought of you as a smart sensitive and compassionate woman when you were performing and that she can never aspire to be those things. The difference between you both is that you stepped out of the denial that said “this is just another job like working in Wallmart”.
Your bookplate arrived a couple of days ago along with your little butterfly and ladybug. Thank you for taking the time out to send it. I would much rather have that signed book plate from you than any amount of signed films from Penny. I have finished your book and I have to tell you it struck many a chord with me. I have a daughter who is a couple of years older than you and without going into to much detail on an open blog, I can say that I could identify a lot with your story. Your book was trully inspiring. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me sad and it also made me happy. But above all it re-affirmed in my mind that no matter how bleak things may seem at times there is always hope. When we want (or need) change in our life, we all have the power to make that step and implement the changes that are needed. You are the proof that change for the better is within us all. Thank you for the inspiration that you have given so many people and thank you for your blog.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
Thank you Stewart. Your words brought tears to my eyes. I am so honored that we can share in this journey together.
William
September 1, 2012
I know you will be fine Jennie. You have the self-realization to keep yourself in check, and the strength to keep from getting to a point that you no longer want. We all see the strength in everything we read from you.
Diana
September 1, 2012
Good insight into yourself, but be careful about judging others. Your experience is not everyone’s experience. Try to let your friend be in her own reality. If she ever wants help to break free, she knows where to find you. #twelfthstepwork
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
Yes, I just finished another 4th step hahaha (judgement queen of the universe here… nice to meet you!). Not only must I let her be in her own reality, but I must allow her her own experiences so that she may come to her own conclusions, just as I have had and am still having mine. Such an interesting thing, judgement, and sometimes, I wonder if our program should differentiate between good and bad judgement. For instance, it is important that I am able to judge the situation accurately to protect myself, while not judging her for her actions, thoughts or ways of living. Very difficult line over which to dance.
kelly
September 1, 2012
Hello,
I just finished reading your book and have read some of this blog and I have to say that you are a really good writer. After reading your book my first thought was HOLY CRAP! you quit porn/pot/alcohol/and coke all at the same time! I can’t even quit biting my fingers. My second thought was wow you eat a lot of ice cream. My third thought was that I am really jealous of your new relationship w/ your dad. As w/ you my parents divorced when I was 12 yrs old and I didn’t speak to my dad for years after that. I did start to try to have some kind of relationship w/ him when I was 18 but a few months later he was diagnosed w/ a brain tumor and from then on he wasn’t really himself. I was really angry at him because he was dying and he was leaving me and my sister w/ a CRAZY mother just like when they divorced. I ended up not going to see him at the end of his life and I regret it so much to this day. I could play the “what ifs” all day long but when it comes down to it you just can’t change the past but I can learn from it. Its been really hard to forgive my self but honestly he died when I was 19 and I was such an angry mixed up kid. I did the best that I could at the time. After he died my sister and I decided that since our family was so fucked up that we were going to make our own family and thats what we did. My sister is now married w/ 2 kids and I have been w/ the same woman for the past 22 years and legally married for 3 years now. I love being an aunt its the best. I am really happy that you were able to fix your relationship w/ your dad. I really miss having one. Remember that our past shapes who we are today. I loved your story about how your life would of turned out if you didn’t get into porn. I think you would have been in jail sooner than you said. Actually after reading your book and noting how many times you drove wasted around CA and didn’t kill somebody or yourself is amazing in itself. I guess you were meant to do bigger and better things (book, school etc.). I know its in the back of your head that you may someday slip back into old habit but I don’t see it happening. You have so much support now that I don’t think they would let it happen. You put so much into whatever you do and your channeling it in the right direction now. I love reading about strong, independent, funny woman. You rock! Well I think thats about it. This is the first blog I’ve read and written to so hope its all good. Good luck in school and everything else in your life but slow down a little your making everyone else look bad (haha).
P.S. I’m in love w/ you dog!! She’s so cute I can’t stand it.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
What an amazing thing to share here, your journey of forgiveness and growth. Thank you so much. I am honored to now be a small part of it.
a) Yes. I eat a TON of ice cream. It’s shifted to Frozen Yogurt now. A little bit healthier? That is, until I add a shit ton of mini-m&ms and caramel.
b) You are totally right in that I should have been arrested, jailed, dead many times over for the insane amount of times I’ve driven high or intoxicated. If I ever struggled in thinking that something bigger than myself was looking after me… well.. there it is.
c) The support system will most definitely help in prohibiting a slide back into debauchery and insanity. However, as an addict and alcoholic, I can never lean on that to be my saving grace. Thankfully, there is a program of recovery which has taught me a new way of living. I credit this just as much as the wonderful support system with which I have been blessed.
Difficult (and wonderful) thing about fathers is that they are always there, even when they aren’t. My Dad was there in the back of my mind all the time, which makes him (almost) as real as when he is there to hug or punch in the arm or any of the various little shows of affection we get to do with Dads. I think your Dad knows what your feeling now, even if you (or I’m) not into the people-sitting-on-clouds thing, and he is with you every step of the way. And though you may be filled with regret for not going to see him, perhaps that was an act of grace. Now you get to remember him as the Dad he was, not the Dad he became with a brain tumor. Perhaps it was meant to be that way for a reason.
glad you are here…
Kelly
September 6, 2012
Thanks for replying to my post. I hope I am not boring you with my yammering on about myself. I know you are really busy with school and such and have better things to do than read about my stuff but you seem easy to talk to. Of course I’m just typing on my phone so I guess that’s why it’s easy. There are 2 people in my life that I share personal stuff with, my wife and sister. I’m usually really private and am really shy. Talking (writing) to you about my dad is really outside the box for me. If you don’t respond to this it’s fine I just like saying it. So I’ve decided to get in touch with my stepmom who I haven’t spoken to in over 25 years (wow I feel really old right now). I realized that I need to make amends with her because I was really an ass to her and she deserves an apology. I also would love to pick her brain about my dad, who he was as a person etc. She is the best person to give me answers. I just hope I don’t find out that he was a republican or something. Of course this will be a really difficult conversation and i tend to run away from them. I also have to come out to her, which will probably be fine but you never know. In my next life I will come out like Ellen did, on the cover of news week then everyone will know and I’ll be all set. So all this new found stuff is because your book got me thinking. Thank you for writing it!!
becomingjennie
September 7, 2012
I think amends are always a wonderful idea. However, and this is what my sponsor suggested to me, don’t make them expecting to be able to have a conversation about your dad. Make them because it’s the right thing to do.
And don’t be upset if he is a Republican. Republicans are human too
Fritz
September 1, 2012
I am writing to suggest the idea of you being a guest on the Dr Drew Radio show Loveline to discuss your book , recovery and insight into Porn.
The topic of porn comes up on that show now and then and sometimes they seem write it off as harmless. Now that I have heard your story and gained greater insight into my feelings have changed about it.
I do not have a religious antagonism towards it just an eyes wide open understanding now of the incredible damage it inflicts.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
I was supposed to go on right when the book released, but things got crazy. Thank you for reminding me, I will give them a call.
Shaun
September 2, 2012
Jennie, thanks for this post. It speaks to something that I’ve often wondered about – whether or not people who are involved in pornography are likely to have significant issues with shame and self-esteem. I’ve tried looking at the academic literature on this and I have not been able to find much. Surprisingly, from what I can tell, not much work has been done on this, and what has been done is mostly on exotic dancers. My unscientific observation has been that there seems to be a disproportionately high number of women in porn who have had a history of sexual abuse and/or who have ongoing drug and other problems, which would seem to indicate a general unhappiness with their lives. Is it entirely coincidental that Jenna Jameson claims to have been raped twice when she was 16? At the very least, the old cliché that many female sex workers have issues of male abandonment seems to have a lot of truth to it. At the same time, it’s not that hard to find other porn stars who do not admit to a history of sexual abuse and who claim to have an entirely healthy sense of self-esteem. Occasionally, I read Kayden Kross’ blog, and she presents herself as a very intelligent, articulate young woman who admits to no dark history and who is a ferocious defender of pornography. On the other hand, whenever she discusses the subject, there is a clear element of uncritical thinking that is manifested in her writing, an aspect of the “cult-like” nature of porn that you have discussed before. Also, she has an image to maintain, so it is hard to know how honest and self-reflective her blog actually is.
Given what I know of human nature and psychology, I suspect that a majority of the women involved in pornography do have self-esteem, self-worth issues and that has a lot to do with why they end up in porn. Human beings are complex, but they also often fit into very general categories. Even for those people who are simply exhibitionists, a relevant question would be “why” do they have that particular condition? All of us, at different points in our lives, need external validation, but there are healthy and unhealthy levels of such need.
Of course, the bottomline is that you know how doing pornography affects you. That is all that really matters for you.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
Brilliant commentary and insight. I knew Kayden, and as intelligent and articulate as she is, I always found her a bit inauthentic and thought the insecurity issues arose in her copious amounts of “self-correcting.” I also thought that here is a girl who, if she left and did something more brain oriented with her life, would do frighteningly well. But that is me judging like a mofo.
I agree with all you’ve shared here and appreciate the comment. Totally right, all that matters is how it affected (and often continues to affect) me.
Shaun
September 2, 2012
BTW, what contribution did your friend in Women’s Studies make to the conversation? You mention her at the start of your post, but then she seems to disappear.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
I suppose I mentioned her simply in contrast to the other friend. Good note on writing full circle.
michael92105
September 2, 2012
Another song rollin’ around my head..
Livin’ on the edge of night
You know the sun won’t go down slow
You don’t know which drug is right
Can’t decide which way you wanna go
I feel the way you feel
‘Cause not so long ago
It had a hold on me
I couldn’t let it go
It wouldn’t set me free
It wouldn’t set me free
No more, no more, no more.
Seemed like the easy thing
To let it go for one more day
Like singin’ the same old song
And twistin’ the words
In a different way
Where did the magic go?
I searched high and low
I can’t find it no more
I can’t get it back
I can’t find it no more
I can’t find it no more
No more, no more, no more, no more.
Searchin’ for quality
Havin’ to have the very best
Now scroungin’ for quantity
Never havin’ time
To do the test
That’s how the story goes
Can’t put it down
Till the last page
I can’t put it down
I can’t put it down
Lyrics by Neil Young
Paul Ruffino
September 2, 2012
I’m a father of eight children…7 of them women. One of my daughters introduced me to your plight a couple years ago and what an inspiration you were to her. I always felt I was a good dad because I worked hard to give them what they needed. I guess that’s an old story…give them things except what they need.
Today I have a better relationship with them then ever and much of my success in putting that out there was inspired by you and many of your blogs.
Thanks Jen!
Paul
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
Thank you Paul! This makes my morning! They are very lucky to have you as a father.
Paul Ruffino
September 4, 2012
Just so ya know…if you ever head to the “right coast” I’ll always have a place for you as my guest. http://www.HotelBPM.com
becomingjennie
September 7, 2012
you rock. Looks like a sick hotel… I’m starting to look into creating my own reading tour so… Will definitely be taking you up on this Paul!
thefreshmanexperience
September 3, 2012
The only similarity between working in porn and working at Walmart I can imagine would be the strange things one would see. Have you seen the “Walmartian” videos and slide shows on Youtube? I saw a picture of an obese gentleman bent over for the world to see his red thong. The image still burns in my brain. Any other similarity remains esoteric to me.
Also, I love the terms “Wonkiness and wonky.” I never heard them before, but I understand the feeling. Freshmen seem wonky all of the time.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
Horrible, I know. And “Wally wally walmart” the (potentially) worst rap video on earth? Don’t watch it. You will be singing the stupid song all day.
Wonky is great isn’t it! I’m trying to cut back on the swearing, and Jill suggested the use of “Wonk.”
michael92105
September 4, 2012
Dearest Jennie: How have you folks been surviving all the fires and earth quakes? It must be a little unnerving…speaking of unnerving I had a worrisome thought that you’d get an offer to make a “come back film” with Mr. Man and all the rationalizations that could go with it. Maybe it has to do with your encounter with the poor soul who hasn’t made a decision yet. Anyway, I hope you never do. It might be like taking that first drink. I know I won’t buy it and if it’s any consolation, it would break my heart. Stay especially close now that your life is so full.
becomingjennie
September 4, 2012
Gah! A comeback film! As much as I’d like to think I’d be welcomed back to the industry, I think (and hope) I’ve marginalized myself from that which makes a successful young porn star.
However, on another note, I heard something wonderful in a meeting yesterday about earthquakes. The earth must shift a million little times so that we can avoid a big shift. I like to think we are doing the same with program/recovery. Making the small internal shifts necessary to avoid personal and professional catastrophe. Thanks Michael, I am close.
karikalaguna
September 4, 2012
Still Jennie, just consider and compare the life you lead now with the one you had just a couple of years ago …this is a major shift! Continue…a geat future lies ahead of you!
kelly
September 4, 2012
Hello,
I just finished reading your book and have read some of this blog and I have to say that you are a really good writer. After reading your book my first thought was HOLY CRAP! you quit porn/pot/alcohol/and coke all at the same time! I can’t even quit biting my fingers. My second thought was wow you eat a lot of ice cream. My third thought was that I am really jealous of your new relationship w/ your dad. As w/ you my parents divorced when I was 12 yrs old and I didn’t speak to my dad for years after that. I did start to try to have some kind of relationship w/ him when I was 18 but a few months later he was diagnosed w/ a brain tumor and from then on he wasn’t really himself. I was really angry at him because he was dying and he was leaving me and my sister w/ a CRAZY mother just like when they divorced. I ended up not going to see him at the end of his life and I regret it so much to this day. I could play the “what ifs” all day long but when it comes down to it you just can’t change the past but I can learn from it. Its been really hard to forgive my self but honestly he died when I was 19 and I was such an angry mixed up kid. I did the best that I could at the time. After he died my sister and I decided that since our family was so fucked up that we were going to make our own family and thats what we did. My sister is now married w/ 2 kids and I have been w/ the same woman for the past 22 years and legally married for 3 years now. I love being an aunt its the best. I am really happy that you were able to fix your relationship w/ your dad. I really miss having one. Remember that our past shapes who we are today. I loved your story about how your life would of turned out if you didn’t get into porn. I think you would have been in jail sooner than you said. Actually after reading your book and noting how many times you drove wasted around CA and didn’t kill somebody or yourself is amazing in itself. I guess you were meant to do bigger and better things (book, school etc.). I know its in the back of your head that you may someday slip back into old habit but I don’t see it happening. You have so much support now that I don’t think they would let it happen. You put so much into whatever you do and your channeling it in the right direction now. I love reading about strong, independent, funny woman. You rock! Well I think thats about it. This is the first blog I’ve read and written to so hope its all good. Good luck in school and everything else in your life but slow down a little your making everyone else look bad (haha).
P.S. I’m in love w/ you dog!! She’s so cute I can’t stand it.
michael92105
September 4, 2012
Thank you Jennie. I am glad you are safe. I hope your book signing/speaking schedule brings you to New England some day. Much love and respect.
Hoosier
September 4, 2012
Well conceived and expressed, as usual. Although this is not apropos of your topic, I wonder whether sometime you might comment on your perception of porn consumers (invariably male?), both at the time you were an active producer and now. Are those of us who once were or currently are still dependent on the synthetic stimulus of pornography for any degree of sexual stimulation just as “damaged” as those who produce it may be?
Frank
September 4, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I just finished your book, which I puposely read slowly so I could let everything sink in (I bought it the day it came out, July 10 I believe), and am amazed at the complete turnaround you have made with your life. I have to admit that I did follow your ‘old’ carrer, as I was a casual fan, and you did dance at my hometown club back in 2007/2008, not exactly sure when. I didn’t get to see you, but I remember your name on the billboard.
Being a big fan of Dr Drew, I was really excited when I saw you would be on the show. I have dealt with a family member as an addict, and Dr Drew’s show made it easier to somehow know others had to deal with this as well, knowing how difficult it is. Your transformation during the show, and since, has been remarkable, and your story is really an inspiration to know that recovery is possible.
I have been following your blog for a while (first time commenting), which I love, and now that I have completed your book, I have to say that, although I was a fan of Penny Flame, I’m a much bigger fan of Jennie Ketcham!
Best of luck to you!
becomingjennie
September 7, 2012
Thanks Frank!
Rich
September 4, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I finished reading your book a couple of weeks ago. I’ve gone back, read and reread some of the more poignant passages within it. And I must say that your book has left me with some overwhelming urges. Don’t worry; they’re good ones. The urge to use my time more wisely. To take better care of myself and, hopefully, those around me. To reconnect—somehow–with old friends. To buckle down and work harder at my own writing. The book is everything that I knew that it would be; every bit as honest, smart, harrowing, funny, tragic and ultimately soul-searching and inspirational. That was a real white-knuckle ride in places, but wow. What a story, what a life.
The thing that resonates most deeply with me is that, taking away the porn aspect and the huge, depressing cloud of pot smoke that wafted through those years, your story seems so strikingly familiar. To me and, I’d suspect, to any of us who grew up feeling angry, lonely, displaced and out of step with our peers and with the community in general. Reading it brought back all of the now quickly-fading memories of that time in my own life, and all of the self-destructive things and mindsets that I sought out as coping mechanisms. All of the usual suspects: the the alcohol and other drugs. All of the crossed signals and misread intentions, and all of the sadly clumsy ways that I dealt with the people in my life and their genuine concern. That reversal in expectation of the things that should be held most dear and most valuable in life. The act of turning those things denied (or perceived to be denied) into things unwanted: love, friendship, a sense of belonging and of purpose. The sense that having no investment in life would equal no feeling of loss if it were all to end. So sadly wrongheaded, but sometimes that’s all that you can see in looking too hard in one direction. There were times during reading that I was yelling at you in my mind: “No, Jen! How could you be so wrong about yourself?” Still…for different reasons, and different circumstances, but I could empathize. Actually, “empathize” is too distant a word. It tore my heart out, reading some of those passages. Honestly.
The drugs and alcohol are long gone from my life. Alcohol was the last to go: December 1, 1991 (at a Metallica concert, no less!). That said, I can’t tell you how glad that I am that you got clean and got out of porn. I’m convinced that by doing so, you saved your own life. It definitely saved mine. It was one of the two most positive actions that I’ve ever taken in my life, the other being when I began writing in the spring of 1984. More often than not, it’s been the one thing that kept my head on somewhat straight, and made tomorrow worth sticking around for during the worst times and the rockiest of those years. I’m so glad that you’ve discovered it too. As much as you give to it, you’ll get back so much more. Believe me.
I’ve actually been following your blog, almost since its beginnings. Thinking back now, on how heartbreakingly and powerfully some of your earliest posts read, and how much I’d wanted to be able to tell you that it gets better, it gets easier with time and distance. And just look at how far you’ve come, in only three short years. All I can say is thanks, Jen. For everything. For a great book. For your wit, your honesty and sensitivity. For making me give a damn about another person, even someone that I’d never met. And thanks for making me question my view of my own life, and whether there are better, more worthwhile things within reach with more work, more concentration and conviction. You’ve heard that word “inspiration” quite a bit lately, and here it comes again. You’re a true inspiration. And I’m pulling for you, always and unconditionally.
With love and friendship,
Rich
becomingjennie
September 7, 2012
Thank you Rich. Your words and compassion are wonderful things to read first thing in the morning. I appreciate them, you, and your sharing here in this journey with me. xo
Brian Wallace
September 4, 2012
Hello,
What I think you are doing is very brave. I know it’s tough. I appreciate your honesty. Reading this post however, I wanted to offer any assistance I can with behavioral statistics. I know you are very intelligent. I have a degree in math and work with statistics so I may be able to assist if you have any questions.
Good luck,
Brian Wallace
becomingjennie
September 7, 2012
Amazing. I will be copying and pasting your email address amigo. Thank you for the offer…
Aaron
September 5, 2012
Thank for this. Today I’m having some “wonkyness” of my own. A crissis created by my own thoughts. I’d describe it as like when you stub your toe and the hop around on one foot muttering curses under your breath, just instead of your toe it’s your heart. It’s nice to know the feeling will pass. Everything is temporary. Usually I’m the one saying this to someone else. Today you said it to me, when I needed it. How strange to have a friend pat you on the back, whom you don’t know and have never even passed on the street.
Stace
September 5, 2012
Jennie, I’ve sort of kept an eye on you for several years because I know your dad. I just want to add to the comments that I’m so happy for you, and for those who love you and always had faith that you would make it back to a life of sanity. I know I have no right to judge others, but having done some incredibly self-destructive, dangerous, crazy things myself over the years, I believe that low self-esteem and self-worth is usually a big part of the destructive behavior. It certainly was for me. I’m glad you’re discovering your true self and realizing you’re worthy of this path that’s leading you to true happiness. I wish you continued success in your recovery and accomplishments.
becomingjennie
September 7, 2012
Love that you know my Dad and that you are here. Thank you for watching after the both of us. xo
Kelly
September 5, 2012
Wow you wrote me back. That is so cool thank you. You gotta love the interweb. The only thing I don’t like about this blog is the the triangle guy it gave me. Why is he so sad. At least yours kind of looks like a vampire. Mine looks like its going to start crying at any moment. Well just wanted to say thanks for responding, means a lot.
Kelly
September 7, 2012
I am not expecting anything when I call my stepmother. For all I know she may hang up on me. Just hoping. I was just joking about him being a republican, I tend to be sarcastic when I’m nervous. So how are you doing? Need anything?
Khaled Ghorab
September 5, 2012
So glad you liked the quote, Jennie
You’re already lighting up the sky.
Sending you light,
Khaled
michael92105
September 6, 2012
Dearest Jennie: I wanted you to know that just because I finished reading your book, doesn’t mean I am done with it. I’ve been thinking about how much courage you have in documenting your story. Some say it’s all part of that attention seeking characteristic-in fact I think you may have said how much you enjoyed being in front of the camera (not sure).
Anyway, I see through all that because of the honesty that shines through. I have an anniversary coming and occupationally my life is a mess. Not to be a victim, because nobody likes a victim, I’ve taken some hard knocks professionally. Practicing rigorous honesty is hard in today’s world.
The point of all this is that you have helped inspire me to be what I am supposed to be…still waiting on what that exactly is…but I have faith and your example strengthens it.
I hope your book is selling well and that in retrospect you are happy with all the work that went into it.
Thanks for all you do and for having the courage to invite us all into your life.
Damian
September 6, 2012
Every morning is a new opportunity you should take to be happy. Good morning!
anonymous
September 7, 2012
” so that I could reaffirmed working in porn was not equivalent to working at Walmart.”
i know a few people who have worked at walmart. pretty sure they did not get blackout drunk or risk ghonorrea and syphillis in order to restock the chips aisle or bag cheerios. many built up networks of friends through their days in dead end jobs. friends who help them get other jobs later in life.
anonymous
September 7, 2012
on the other hand many had two jobs to make ends meet, or lived with parents or partners, and had times without health insurace, drove broke down cars, etc. then again, those are the times when you find out who your real friends are.
Tatum Ole
December 17, 2012
I just watched a marathon of SR today. I’d never seen it before. With every episode I found myself growing more proud of you and more hopeful for your recovery. I, myself, am a young victim of all sorts of abuse and now in the recovery process- trying to develop the willpower and find what methods work best with my vice, food- I am so glad to have stumbled upon this program today. You are such a brave, strong, inspiration. I cried when I saw you at graduation. Please don’t relapse, you have so many gifts to offer the earth.