“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
- Anaïs Nin
A day came, and the risk was to remain tight or blossom. What an interesting dichotomy. I’m sure I’ve written about this quote at some point in my blogging career, and I’m sure that her quote has been inserted into millions and millions of recovery, change, lifestyle overhaul type-of-articles. Yet, the impact of Nin’s words never fails me, the imagery of a bud, painfully clenched and closed, and the insurmountable risk in the process of blossoming. What I find most interesting is that this shift doesn’t happen once in our lifetimes. It can happen hundreds times a day.
And hundreds of times a day, we may go right back to that tight, closed bud we once were.
Yes, yes, this does sound a little ominous. It isn’t! As I mentioned to David, in one of the comments, I am in the middle of a 5th step and -my – my – my, does my pride need leveling. I am so fucking entitled…. It’s frightening how much I think I deserve, or who I think I am, or who I think I’m better than or less than or different from or any of the things that brings me apart from my fellows. The lies I tell myself are amazing, and it’s amazing I don’t realize I’m lying to myself. I lie on a daily basis and it isn’t until I do the work that I see the lies for what they are.
I tell myself that people didn’t love me right. In truth, relationships are a reflection of who I was at the time.
I tell myself that things are owed to me. In the truth, I rationally understand – on a very fundamental and basic level – the value of a dollar and what is required to make one.
I tell myself that certain people think certain ways and things about me and my function in this world. In truth, nearly everyone on this beautiful planet and certainly the majority of the Western world is as self-consumed as I am. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. We are all thinking of ourselves almost all the time.
Is my shirt funny? Did that sound stupid? What am I eating for dinner? Is she looking at me? Did I turn off the coffee pot?
There is this concept in social psychology called the illusion of transparency (you like how I start taking a class and all the lecture information is vomited onto this blog?) that states we have the tendency to believe that our innermost feelings can leak out onto our faces and be read and interpreted by casual observers. We are not psychics. If we keep it all inside, there is no way another human being will know what we are thinking. This is why, as an alcoholic, I become very sick when I have secrets. Because secrets eat me alive, and I think you can see them rotting away in my soul. But you can’t, especially when I am so adept at hiding. It’s not your responsibility to see my secrets either. It’s my responsibility to share them with you, which makes me closer to you, which makes me healthy and a part of you and you a part of me. Connectedness. Social inclusion. It is the one thing every human being wants – whether or not we can admit it.
So I’ve been pretty disconnected these past two weeks. I was sick, with the super-blegh, and then recovering and being resistant to and resentful of the pure and simple fact that I am human and occasionally get sick. Even though you all reminded me it’s okay to be sick. Sickness equals weakness. Must push through. Must be strong. Must be tough. Must. Must. Must.
The most beautiful thing about taking a risk by living in sobriety is that I learn that when I stop being a tight, closed bud, trying to stronghold every ugly and unmentioned thing from you, the sun and light of my world, the flower that blossoms is soft and delicate and gentle and vulnerable. When I allow myself to blossom into connection with you, I am much stronger than I am on my own.
Full Serenity Prayer
Neil W
October 4, 2012
You have such a good (and improving) appreciation of who you were, who you are, and who you are striving to be, but you still beat yourself up. Well, perhaps that’s OK – it’s a tool in the striving – and I’m sure you don’t lose sight of the fact that the one cast-iron entitlement you have is that you are entitled to love yourself. Maybe not to the exclusion of everyone and everything else, but moving towards loving yourself from hating yourself can only be good, no?
Every one of us is at the centre of our own individual universe – it goes with the territory of being a person. But the old “no man is an island” holds true also. We can be definied in any number of ways, and maybe the best one is by our interaction with others.
You’re doing a good job there. So take the risk and blossom. You deserve it.
michael92105
October 4, 2012
Dearest Jennie: Glad your back Jennie.
This life is hard no matter how you slice it. To use your metaphor, I’ve opened up and blossomed only to be crushed under the boot heel of someone sicker than I.
There are risks involved in all decisions and actions I take. Here comes the fear…well I have to be true to myself, no matter what, and if it involves pain, with God’s grace I won’t internalize it and drink or try and drug it away.
Some hopeful sentences I have been clinging on to as I float and sometimes sink in this miracle so big I can’t see the edges…
Rarely have we seen a person fail…
There are those too with grave emotional and mental disorders but they too can recover….
There is one who has all power….
DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED….
No one among us has maintained anything like perfect adherence to these principles…
God could, and would, if he were sought.
Everything I write here are meant to encourage you. I don’t have much to offer you but living on the hope of a better day.
As far as step 5 goes, and I’m sure your sponsor knows this, it is important to be balanced and to look at your asset’s as well. Remember there is nothing in these steps meant to harm, they are all meant to heal and make us feel better about ourselves.
Believe it or not I keep you in my prayers, not as a celebrity, but as a fellow traveler who’s journey binds us together.
Thank you Jennie for choosing to stay in recovery; choosing life as difficult as it sometimes is. I walk with you.
michael92105
becomingjennie
October 4, 2012
So glad you typed DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED in all caps. Feeling a little emotional right now (post sickness troubles) and needed someone to shake me by the shoulders. Thanks Michael.
Charlie Fuhro
October 4, 2012
You are so right, Jennie. But for many considering recovery, the process of blossoming, of sharing their secrets with others and becoming a part of that connection you talk about is just too frightening for them to ever accept. These poor souls remain locked in their defenses and exist behind their high walls of protection (addiction and/or codependency). For them, life is about simply surviving, not blooming and thriving. And while many are able to go ahead and grow in recovery, most remain trapped in the bud stage, and will never move beyond it.
The statistics I’ve seen are interesting. Only one (1) addict in ten (10) will ever get into recovery in the first place, and of those, only one (1) out of eight (8) will be successful and not relapse at some point. So recovery is not an easy road to trod, and those who are on the path must constantly be on guard so as to not fall back into their old ways. But if they can stay the course, the peace, love, joy, and connection that awaits them is incredible. Here’s hoping those on the recovery path don’t lose faith but instead, trust the process and continue to do their work.
What is it that separates those who are successful from those who aren’t? I don’t know. It’s certainly not intelligence or opportunity. I’ve seen many brilliant people fall back into their addiction again and again. And I’ve seen other folks squander opportunity after opportunity. The only explanation I can come up with is the grace of God. For whatever reason, some are selected to learn whatever lessons they need to know in recovery, while others need to learn their lessons in their addiction. But everything happens for a reason, and there are no accidents in life. All we can do is stay on the path we’re on and trust the process to take us to wherever it is we need to go.
becomingjennie
October 4, 2012
Great post. But for the grace of god…. Thank you Charlie
tatooedtimmy
October 4, 2012
AHHHH The 5th step so cleansing…but as they say if you don’t do your 5th you’l drink a 4th…or is that if you don’t do your 4th you’ll drink a 5th?? Pride and Ego…my 2 best friends LOL
Dadman
October 4, 2012
I know little of twelve steps, what’s step five? Glad ur feeling better. I wrote up a fears list, motivated by you. Be well
becomingjennie
October 4, 2012
Step five is the part where we read Step 4 (a searching and fearless moral inventory) to another human being, and to God. In sharing pieces of ourselves, we can connect with another. Hopefully, you have someone with which to explore these fears, because you will probably find most of them are inhibitory and irrational (at least that’s my experience!).
Ro
October 4, 2012
So much of this post is a reflection of the chatter in my head and is so so good to know that I’m not alone. How willing are we to open up from that tightly wound bud? What does it take to be vulnerable and accept that being human is good? Glad you’re feeling better.
tim
October 4, 2012
I thhink this just might be your best entry ever.
Invisible Mikey
October 4, 2012
Some of us (me included) originally believe that strength is a matter of rigidity, solidness, an ability to resist what we assume is an external force that will change us and make us less ourselves. But we are mostly water. We need to change and grow and assume the shapes of different containers. When we run out of defenders for the wall, it falls, and we can discover that what’s behind it is an essence so inextinguishable it never really needed defense.
We have to lie to ourselves sometimes. It’s unavoidable. No one’s at their best at every moment. When you fail or learn/realize you made a mistake, admit, amend, forgive, recommit to another try. Progress is reason enough to celebrate. Everyone does the wrong things sometimes, and the ordinary consequences of faulty choosing are punishment enough.
You’re so authentic, Jennie. I’m glad you’re recovering
Willis
October 4, 2012
GreAt post, but I want to know what you thought about the debate!!
Kristianna Berger
October 4, 2012
Keep on. You’re doing it. Right now. Always. Just keep on.
tomdolak
October 4, 2012
Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.
- Brené Brown
(google “brene brown vulnerability ted talks” for some worthwhile stuff.)
L
October 4, 2012
In class, many years ago, a professor suggested life wasn’t about balance at all. Her theory was life was all about participation and being brave enough to participate. She drew an old fashion scale with two sides and pointed out that life was about getting on the scale and being present and willing to try. That it is unrealistic to assume that the perfect life is all about balance. That a realistic life was about the willingness to stay on the scale and accept that most days it was seldom in balance. Some days good and some days a struggle. That what life really was about was finding a way to get through the ups and downs and be ready to be open and enjoy the moments when everything came together and the scale was in perfect balance. To be aware of how precious and special those moments are.
It made sense back then and I often still think about it today. There is something about it that takes the pressure off of all those expectations we learned as children and brings a sense of reality to the whole idea of life. It somehow brings a sense of freedom and an openness to accept life and enjoy the ride.
Enjoy your ride.
Kelly
October 4, 2012
Hey Jennie, nice blog entry this week. You should think of yourself as a really strong flower when you blossom like a sunflower. That’s a kick ass flower. Tall, bright and strong with great seeds. I have no idea where I’m going with this, it sounded good in my head. I always try and put myself in other people’s shoes to try and see where they are coming from. A therapist told me once that people are all doing the best they can. Sometimes it’s hard to wrap my head around that because say someone cuts me off while driving its hard to think well they are doing the best they can. My first thought is what an asshole he must be able to do better. But maybe he/she just got a call and there kid is in the ER and they are rushing to the hospital. You just never know. Hope school and everything else in your life is going good!! Tootles
Stephen Giles
October 4, 2012
You’re wonderful. -Stephen Vincent Giles
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jimmi
October 4, 2012
Thanks for your honesty. Your leaving Penny and becoming Jennie is hard work. Worthy and needed and not easy. If it were easy we’d all be still where we were instead of where we are and want to be. Its funny to me that my need for looking at adult films is similar to some others need to be in them. Another of the people I used to watch is in recovery as well. I went a different route, but ended up in the same place. Its courageous to report your recovery. Step 5 is easier than it seems and its like taking a shower after years in the dust.
karikalaguna
October 4, 2012
Very beautiful and moving blog! And very honest and faithful to your true self, so it seems; there are definitely no lies in there. I sensed a beautiful blossoming lotus flower. Thanks a lot.
theduffboy
October 4, 2012
Thank you, as always, for these wonderful moments of social inclusion, Jennie. Let`s all blossom together, people!
foofoo5
October 5, 2012
For every “illusion of transparency” there is, of course, a corollary: “It was written all over your face.” Or your post(s), as the case may be. Secondly, dear one, you are post “tell all.” I don’t “really” know you & you don’t “really” know me, so when I have passing thoughts – expect a reset coming – who am I? It is an awkward connection, no? Believe it or not, that was the content of my last reply – vacuousness to simply say “It’s not viral, it’s a boundary reset. You will emerge.” All apologies.
travelingb
October 5, 2012
nice reminder, that i so often forget….
Charlotte
October 5, 2012
Your words touch me so deeply! I find it so difficult to put my confusing thoughts and feelings onto paper (or online in your case), but I think you’ve just done it for me. Thank you x
calebdb8
October 5, 2012
Thanks for posting again. On page 92 of the book. I am a slow reader though. Maybe I am slow because I am always reading 10 different things? At any rate, I hope to get through at least 50 pages of your book this weekend.
Last night I watched Cracked Not Broken. It reminded me to keep on keeping on. Have you been able to make friends at your meetings pretty easily? I have had such a hard time with that here. Sometimes this is pretty discouraging to me but then I think that maybe I am expecting too much. At any rate, keep on keeping on.
This month marks 3.5 years for me. Life is better now.
Dennis
October 6, 2012
Jennie,
I was so struck at your raw honesty and emotion, that I have admired how you share your open wounds with us, and that there is some healing and growth taking place.
At our very core, being connected is at the heart of our happiness and peace. Two examples…You may heard they did this study of two sets of infants. They both received proper nutrition and sleep. One group received lots of interaction, like being held, and playing with them, showing then affection and love. The other group received no interaction. This last group when they grew up, they were angry, could not hold jobs or have intimately or have long , solid relationships. So being connected was so important, it starts when we are infants…we long for that intimacy in our relationships as adults. The other example is a little story that is related to your quote. The story is about an owner of a flower, who keeps it in the basement of his house. He wants to protect it and keep it from harm. He feeds and waters it, but it is kept solitary in that basement. No one to see it’s beauty, there is no interaction from the outside world. But there was no growth either, because it was kept alone and not able to share its wonderful qualities with other plants, animals, and humans. The owner realized his plants was becoming sick and not growing. He realized that in trying to keep others from harming it, he was limiting it’s full growth and potential. So he decided to place it outside… Now vulnerable to the outside, it gave the flower to share with others. Need gathered pollen, insects laid eggs on the stems and oils were extracted from the leaves to help heal cuts on humans. By opening the flower to others the owner noticed that it was more happy, it grew bigger, and the flower was more colorful. It was connected to the outside world, and that made the flower so very happy to share it’s beauty with others. May you continue your growth too Jennie! Dennis
michael92105
October 6, 2012
Happy Saturday Jennie; I do hope you are feeling better and wish for you some fun, relaxation and peace this weekend.
As an aside I’ve been thinking about this flower metaphor—I like the sunflower idea as a “kick ass flower”. My favorite is a rose, and it dawned on me that most have thorns to protect them.
Lastly, I meant to thank you for the Ry Cooder link you posted way back when. Seems we share the same politics as well.
Thankfully, God is in charge and not me.
Get some rest, hug Mr. Man and don’t forget to spend some time with your dog.
michael92105
Eaeme
October 6, 2012
“And the day comes when the value of blossoming exceeds the value of remaining in the bud.”
How rich you have become!
Holli
October 7, 2012
My god did I need to hear this today. Thank you.
Kelly
October 8, 2012
Yes! Someone posted about my post. And sunflowers ARE kick ass, right. I never know if I come across as to much of a smart ass. You should see my FB page. Just my sense of humor. This is weird,all this interweb stuff.
Dave
October 8, 2012
Mmm. Nothin but truth in this post Jennie. “When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of being different, you change” – Deepak Chopra
Your quote really reminded me of that. Isnt it filled with such truth? Its amazing what fear can do to us and how we torture ourselves for the sake of keeping our egos, or beliefs, solidified. But its because we dont want to suffer, who does? Be glad you share so much, It’s a beautiful thing how open you are. I certainly hope I can have your courage one day
michael92105
October 9, 2012
Reading suggestion: Not up to speed on the twitter thing so I’ll post my suggestion here…any part of the book that inspires hope. I like somewhere around 298-301. Good luck!
Hoosier
October 9, 2012
Eloquent, as always. I, for one, appreciate when your school curriculum is regurgitated onto this blog, because it may turn out to be something I missed during my own undergraduate career. Also, it’s such a pleasure watching you learn new things. Just imagine, if you had never entered rehab, how much knowledge like this you would have missed!