Sometimes I am selfish and go to sleep without letting Saucy out for a final pee or poo. Last night’s selfishness manifest itself into a giant dog shit in the kitchen, which inevitably leads back to me, to my failure to let her out and my selfishness in choosing to go to bed over choosing to let her out for five or ten minutes, and then go to bed.
I used to get so pissed at her when she would go potty inside the house. Now, it’s difficult to be angry when I realized it’s my own damn fault.
There are these two girls that drive me bananas. Because of the nature of things, they are both inescapable. One is young and loves to get blackout drunk and talk about how awesome it is to get black out drunk. The other is a little bit older than me and likes to talk about money and financial insecurity and her contemplations on stripping to make extra cash and how it’s an entirely healthy way to live, “as long as you stick with the plan.” When I speak with them, I feel judgement flowing from the ventricles of my heart, out my aorta and straight down my backbone where it fills every single artery of my body. Sometimes it leaks out, the judgement, and sometimes, I can send it back through the veins along with the deoxygenated blood. In either case, the judgement exists and I need to find a more positive way to deal with it because none of what either of these girls talks about has anything to do with me.
Yes, they are saying things that I’ve thought, said, wanted, believed. Not recently, but yes, there was a time when I was twenty and thought stripping for cash would be a manageable career and getting blackout drunk would be the best way to “party.” Those days, by the grace of God, are gone. And those days will continue to be gone as long as I work a solid program, keep my eyes on sobriety and recovery, and risk being open and vulnerable to the beautiful challenges (i.e. making $10/hr) that life has to offer. The thing is, neither of these girls will ever understand why I am able to say, “by the grace of God,” unless they experience all the world has to offer, which means when they talk about this shit, it has nothing to do with me. They must experience it for themselves. I cannot say, do, stop of create positive or negative events in either of their lives. It’s a big job anyway, running another woman’s life. Much too big for me.
Why do I do this? Get my judge on like I’m being paid? Why am I such an experience thief? At what point in my life will I let go of the imaginary reigns, reigns that I neither hold nor control? Awareness is good, serenity prayer, yes, yes, but goddamnit, WHEN WILL I BE PERFECT?
*sigh*
Being sober is like doing yoga. It’s a practice. I practice sobriety. I practice emotional sobriety. I practice the moves. There is no game day. There is no finish line. There is only practice. This is both comforting and infuriating, but it is because of this practice that I realize I have a choice in which emotion to hold. I can create more space in those judgement-filled ventricles if I hold the comfort of imperfection and focus the blessing that is another day of practice.
“Today, I will practice kindness, both to others and myself.”
“I can do today what I did not do yesterday.”
“Time is never lost, I can practice letting go of judgement of those who remind me of the self I once was.”
“I can practice forgiveness.”
Castimonia
October 16, 2012
“It” happens….
Phil Devaty
October 25, 2012
Jen, you or I will never be perfect. First time replier. I read the book. You and I have a lot in common. I feel I have used defense mechanisms and have shut out emotions most of my life. I am a 49 yr. old male, live in Cleveland,never married. A freind of mine tells me I always sabotage myself in relationships. I hate being alone it is killing me. I like to write but have never found my true passion. I am dealing with a social phobia. I have let it ruin caeer aspirations and hope for relationships. I have been doing better lately, but I just never know. No day is perfect. Like you, sometimes i feel I am not worth loving. Just keep going one day at a time. You have accomplished so much. I am very happy you have turned your life around. My mom died when I was nine. Since then every day is a struggle. I want to change and accomplish more, life is short. i have so much to offer. I have worked as a janitor all my life. You too have so much to offer. Your experiences and your willingness to talk about them will help many people. Your book has helped me. Perfection will never come. Bill Walsh once said “hope for the best , but expect the worst. Just keep going. i like the Cleveland Browns but I still think about the Paul Brown Browns, the team in Baltimore. How about those Raiders. Please reply. Take care.
Phil in Cleveland
becomingjennie
October 28, 2012
Well my friend, your Browns won tonight, which I think is always a nice feeling. Everyone deserves a win now and then right? Thank you for the comment, for reading and for finding your way here. I am glad to hear that you are dealing with a social phobia, as I take it to mean that it is not dealing with you? Are you finding support groups? Cleveland (Mr. Man – aka Garrett’s home) is a great town with some really wonderful people. I hope that you do, reach out for more immediate support that is, and that you stick around here to grow with me and this wonderful community.
xo
Jessica
November 4, 2012
Stephster
October 16, 2012
I can imagine it’s like looking in to a mirror and that’s what we hate the most–looking at the mirror image of what we are/were when we’ve changed. I think that when we recover from something and see the err of our ways…and then see a reflection of ourselves of the past in someone else, our ‘changed’ self automatically thinks it could never be involved in something that damaging, so we judge and wonder ‘what drove so-and-so to this?’ or ‘I know better let me tell you an easy way to fix it.’ The reality is, we are no different from that person in front of us because we were there once, remember? It’s that moment right there when we see ourselves in someone else and we have one of two choices; 1) to judge them and put ourselves on a pedestal because we don’t do that anymore, or 2) feel and acknowledge their pain and try to help them however we can. We forget that when we judge someone else, we’re really judging ourselves. So you are judging the younger you with your now mind…and that’s not going to help that person, or you.
I have similar feelings when I know someone is hurting and I want to steer them clear of the way that I dealt with things…or lack thereof. It’s tough. I want to help them, and I don’t know if my reasoning is anywhere similar to yours, but my motivation is driven by a need to be forgiven, I guess. If I can help one person, then I will be making up for one thing that happened to me….i allowed to happen to me, or that I did. Maybe if I keep doing it, I can be forgiven completely. Maybe I can be forgiven for causing myself all of this pain and hurt I feel now because I never dealt with anything.
Instead of thinking about being perfect, concentrate on ‘perfecting’. Let’s put the adjective away and look at the verb. You, Jennie, are in the process of ‘perfect’….but don’t look at it in the worldly view of ‘perfect’, that’s the adjective. Look at in Jennie’s view of ‘perfect’ which is an every day task…and therefore a verb. Jennie is ‘perfecting’, and what may be perfect for the world, is not perfect for Jennie…but rather healing, accepting, living, breathing, and loving are the steps to ‘perfect’ Jennie.
I seriously talk too much in written words…
Earl
October 16, 2012
The dog shit in your kitchen, along with your comments about trying not to judge others, makes me wonder what Saucy thinks of you when you don’t let her out. Does she judge you, thinking, “She didn’t let me out again… but she still gets pissed when I poop on the floor! There are some things a dog has no control over!”
Pragmatic Realist
October 16, 2012
No advice from me. You are doing just fine by yourself. Keep up the practice. <3
tom dolak
October 16, 2012
excellent! i’d like to hear what you did to fix the poo in the kitchen though. and i’m curious about how you’re feeling about it now.
Nicolas
October 16, 2012
As a former heavy OCD/anxiety sufferer, I’ve learned that fear of the future only gets negative when we don’t have the self-confidence to see fear does not really exist but because we pay attention to it, even when our chaotic predictions (like being homeless a few years from now) have no ground at all. The hard thing is to get that confidence, because even when we have the facts in front of us it just doesn’t come by their side. For instance, I’ve always liked to write a note on my cell phone when I fear what is to come in my life (i.e. exam periods, or whatever situation I don’t feel comfortable with) to alert me after they’ve happened so I can compare what I thought they would be v/s how they really were. My personal statistics say that 100% of the time my predictions were horribly out of proportion. Still, they didn’t matter. I kept feeling the same way towards life, afraid of change and what the future holds. For me, it took a psychedelic near death experience to see clearly and feel confident about my place in this world.
I’m really happy for you Jennie, I think it’s a matter of time until you stop feeling that sting that tells you something is going to go wrong because I have not seen anyone work as hard as you to change their life. Take from me that no matter how mentally fucked up and anxious you can be, light comes to the one who looks for it.
N
Frank
October 16, 2012
Hey Jennie
I’m sure a case could be made why it is unhealthy to be a blackout drunk. That isn’t judgmental it is truthful. Not to mention all the bad things than could possibly happen to someone who is that drunk and out of control of herself (or himself for that matter). It’s dangerous.
Not to say you can make her stop, but being a concerned friend isn’t the same as being a judgmental one.
{{Hugs}}
Victor
October 16, 2012
Cool stuff!
Same often happens to me when I forget to make up my rabbits’ cage and then wonder why they mark up the carpet and stamp in the middle of the night by their feet to ask for food. So loudly that they wake up the whole house. 
firstverb
October 16, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
Each day you are better than the day before, heading for perfection a little bit closer each day. That whole perspective thing. My youngest son was born April 10th, 2009 so he also is 3 years and 6 months old. He tells me every day, it seems, that he is all grown up and not a baby anymore. We the mom and dad know better, we don’t let him near knives or alone near the road. He is growing though, he can do so much more today than he could 3 years ago, or even 3 months ago. He has accidents, me makes mistakes, but he is learning. Dear lady we are all a work in progress, not a one of us is perfect but it does make a nice goal. I hope you have a pleasant week. And I hope you have many opportunities to share your smiles.
have a glorious day
Hoosier
October 16, 2012
You know you wouldn’t have listened to anyone in your current position offering you the advice you’d now like to give, when you were in the positions of the two women you describe. Perhaps you should just simply give them copies of your memoir, instead….
William
October 16, 2012
Glad you’re not mad at the dog anymore
I think that judging people is the hardest thing for all of us to stop doing because ultimately we have only our thoughts and experiences to fall back on. We empathize with others, but don’t truly know why they do what they do (or don’t do). The trick is to allow them to ask for help and do our best when they do. Perhaps you can help your friends by asking why they feel the choices are right and then being ready to help them up when they need it.
Invisible Mikey
October 16, 2012
Perhaps you were also tired, and therefore made an unwise decision? Spice has impressive control of her organic exits, but she also will NOT let us sleep if by chance she has to go in the middle of the night.
Another thing to contemplate is how the compassion you’ve gained from your own lessons influences your process of judgement. You know Saucy is a dog, and a dog has a limited capacity for rationale, and so will do what must be done. The women, however, do have the capacity to understand consequences, even if they aren’t using it. This bothers you, as you said, because it’s a reflection of times you failed to take care of yourself in similar circumstances. You got better, and they might also, and it’s all right for you to feel impatient about it.
It is true that you can’t be responsible for their learning process. But you can still express to them that it upsets you to see them undertake these risks, because you don’t want to see them hurt. Practicing compassion isn’t necessarily passive. It takes skill and a sense of timing to be able to express your concerns while simultaneously helping people in danger feel accepted. Even if you can’t control final outcomes, your actions still have value and make a difference when you act from the place of your best intentions, in a frame of clarity.
It’s so satisfying to share practice with you.
Charlie Fuhro
October 16, 2012
You’ve been where these other two women now are, Jennie, so maybe you’re angry at them for wasting their time when they could “risk being open and vulnerable to the beautiful challenges that life has to offer”. These women are not where you are, so they can’t hear or accept your words of wisdom, and that, perhaps, makes you angry, and the anger comes across as a judgemental attitude. Sometimes, you just have to let others go and wish them the best. God has a plan for their life, and He will see to it that one way or another, they learn the lessons He has in store for them. So you have to let them go and get on with your life and your own recovery.
And as far as when you will be perfect goes, remember that recovery is about PROGRESS, not perfection. And you’ve made some truly INCREDIBLE progress!! So give yourself a pat on the back and quit worrying about perfection. You’re doing GREAT, Jennie!! An inspiration and role model for many, many others!!
salmacis99
October 16, 2012
With a title like that, how could I not read it!?!?!
There’s an old musician’s joke:
“How do you get to Carnegie Hall?”
Answer? “Practice, practice, practice.”
But practice doesn’t always make perfect, because nothing is ever perfect. If practice could make perfect, then Mozart would have given up composing (before he died
, Monet would have dropped painting and The Beatles would have broken up after recording Sgt. Pepper. It’s actually a GOOD thing that we can never be perfect, because that means that we always have something to strive for- something more to seek out to make ourselves better. None of us will ever be perfect, but something we can all achieve if we really want it is inner peace. That’s what you’re really looking for. Forget perfect! Strive for your own peace- and within that you will find perfection.
Oh, and don’t forget to let the dog out tonight…
Sheldon Scott
October 16, 2012
This particular post really speaks to me. Thank you.
Pamela Riccioni
October 16, 2012
Don’t feel bad about your pup. We all do that at one time or another!
Botsal
October 16, 2012
You sound like a parent. It’s cute.
Dave
October 16, 2012
I’m a big fan of showing oneself kindness. It’s lovely to see that you’re doing this, it’s awfully important. You’re just going to keep evolving and growing, and you’re doing a remarkable job of it. Thank your for being courageous and sharing your life with people you’ve never even met, but choose to treat as friends anyway
Kevin
October 17, 2012
Perfection, or the drive to get there is a good thing, but no one is perfect. There’s nothing wrong with having that kind of drive. It will make you excellent at what you do. The important thing is to recognize its not practical, and know when you are expecting to much of yourself. Just use it as an engine to drive yourself, but know when to back off on the engine before it overheats.
The hardest thing about knowing better is watching people make choices you know are bad for them. Nothing you say or do will ever back them down from their decisions. All you can do is share your story and hope something you say speaks to them. Its the most you can do. You can only show people the door, but you can’t make them walk through it.
foofoo5
October 17, 2012
Now, you know I get paid to listen, and listen I do. And for that fee, I offer interpretation & feedback. In other words, it is solicited. As near as I can tell, you have neither solicited, nor are paying me, so my “observation” is probably as astute as what you paid for, all things being equal. Likewise, you are free to tell me I’m full of shit, outright.
My observation is that you have a considerable amount of anger in relation to the adult industry – as I said previously, you sound more “pissed than righteous” about the woman in the coffee shop & and now these two women – and it seems your aorta & ventricles are still invested, more than you see, and more than want to admit. The book is written, the story is told, you are in recovery, when do you let go of being “the former porn star?” And you know I mean this on a psychic – emotional & spiritual – level. Your “story” is important. But it is my opinion that you have arrived: there is no reason to question, “Who am I?” in as much as we all are “discovering” ourselves. But it gives pause to your tweet, “How can a woman with my background get an A in ethics?” Well, who is your heart, Penny or Jennifer?
Penny is a metaphor for mediocrity. You are a gifted woman, a gifted writer, and soon to be gifted graduate student. Take back your heart.
jerisylvia
October 17, 2012
Here’s a quote that I try to remember whenever I struggle with progress, not perfection. Maybe it’ll help you on your road to happy destiny.
“He never really meant to give any of us perfection. It simply comes down to the level of imperfection we allow to seep into our moments of fireworks. And if we can do that, let a little imperfection into the perfect, let that little bit of mess not destroy the beauty of our lives, then we might finally have what may be the closest thing to perfect we’ll ever really know.”
I just wanted to say that I’ve been quietly following you since day one of Becoming Jennie, and you truly have inspired me in so many ways. Though I wasn’t done at the same time as you were, you kept the mustard seed alive for me… and by the grace of God, I now have 6 days short of 13 months. Thank you for being one of the boldest, truest voices I have found, and for being vulnerable enough to share the entire process with the rest of us. Whether you know it or not, you have inspired a LOT of people like myself. You are a pure example of attraction, not promotion. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
cojen39
October 17, 2012
“When I speak with them, I feel judgement flowing from the ventricles of my heart, out my aorta and straight down my backbone where it fills every single artery of my body. Sometimes it leaks out, the judgement, and sometimes, I can send it back through the veins along with the deoxygenated blood.”
The 2 girls in my life are my daughters, ages 18 and 16, who are both smoking pot now. I never thought I would have kids that do drugs, and now I have to face things in my life that are not where they could be. Thanks for the grace remarks. “Just for today…” I can let go of judgement.
michael92105
October 17, 2012
Dear Jennie: Just want to say hang in there with these two women. There are power of examples all around us-some teach us what we don’t want to be and others what we want.
Hey, what did you read at your lit death match?
Amanda
October 17, 2012
What a wonderful post and reminder. “Why am I such an experience thief?” Love this. I can justify it by saying that I want to help them escape the pain that they will encounter if they follow whatever path I think is the wrong one. But really, you’re right – there is no stopping the experiencing, or the pain, for someone else. If there were, someone might have stopped it for us, and we might not have found these self truths. Enough rambling from me, but a beautifully written post.
Mario
October 17, 2012
I enjoy reading your blog, I find what you say very interesting
Thank you
Stewart Forgie
October 18, 2012
Jennie. Just because you recognise something in them doesnt mean you are being judgemental. Recognition isn’t necessarily judgement. Give the girls in question a copy of your book and then the rest is up to them whether they heed the message therein or not. Your story about Mr Saucerton is exactly why I choose not to have a pet lol. I know I am too selfish and would be tempted to do just as you did when I was tired or it was cold or raining or any other reason that might pop up. As for when you will be perfect? lol you never want to be perfect because when you are perfect there is nothing more to strive for. Nothing more to achieve, and with nothing left to achieve, there is nothing left to live for.
Cheers,
Stewart X
Shannon
October 18, 2012
Hi Jennie,
I suffer with judgemental thoughts too. Thank goodness we seek progress not perfection.
I have had to put some distance between myself and some unhealthy people in my life. I don’t like the person I become when I am around these people. It is like the part of the BB page 62 where they talk about the actor, trying to run the show, arranging the stage. That is me in self will run riot mode. When I think I know what’s right for someone else I know I need to step away. I don’t know what’s right for someone else. I need to stay on my side of the street.
My sponsor has helped me a lot with detachment and allowing others the dignity to live their lives the way they see fit. I am so grateful for the tools of this program and that I get to have some serenity in my life and stop obsessing on what others are doing or not doing.
It is so nice to follow your journey of recovery. I relate to your posts a great deal. Thanks for sharing your E S & H
Love,
Shannon
Sean Abley
October 18, 2012
Thank you
I have to constantly remind myself I can’t manage the world. In those moments when I believe that, the relief I feel is intoxicating.
Rick Ro.
October 18, 2012
There are some really profound thoughts and insights here, Jennie. Thanks for sharing. When we see people doing stupid things, I think it’s only natural to want to jump in and fix them. Unfortunately, it’s not until a person knows they need to be “fixed” that they will be receptive, and until then we “fixers” only come across as judgmental. Very similar to trying to share the Good News of the gospel with those who are lost; until they are receptive to hearing, the best we can do is shower these people with God’s love and grace.
Chris Criswell
October 19, 2012
Being perfect is trap of never being enough. Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing. No one ever did anything great without being great. As for dog shit in the kitchen that’s not so beautiful or great. Or maybe it is. I’m sure Saucy thought it was beautiful.
RJ
October 19, 2012
My favorite quote is: “Why do I do this? Get my judge on like I’m getting paid?” I have my own issues with being judgmental and this really hit home for me.
I have my own emotional sobriety issues, so it is critical that I keep reminding myself that “it has nothing to do with me. They must experience it for themselves. I cannot say, do, stop of create positive or negative events in either of their lives. It’s a big job anyway, running another woman’s life. Much too big for me.” That is huge. I have to realize that it is not my job to fix anybody else, help them make better decisions, clean up their messes, or take care of them. I am free — free to take care of myself.
This post really speaks to me and I’m glad that you posted it.
DG
October 20, 2012
Ahh, metaphorical crap, just like regular crap but without the smell. Doesn’t practice make perfect? I’m going to fundamentally disagree with you here Jennie. I am practicing healthy living not sobriety. Sobriety is a result of my practice of healthy living. I do my best to focus on my healthy, grateful life, and not on not acting out. When I focus on not acting out I wind up thinking about acting out, and resenting not being able to act out. And for me, my thoughts tend to become things. I’ve been dancing around the middle circle here recently like it’s a playground, which it isn’t. If if not careful I’ll be having a pity party, and get sucked into the vortex of doom that is the inner circle.
As far as your banana bunch goes, you may want to go organic and get away from the fruits that are fertalized with bad thinking. I’ve been told, that if I spot it, I got it. It’s easy for me to take others’ inventory. It keeps me from focusing on mine. I do my best to sweep the leaves on my side of the street, and to not worry about the other side of the street. This is hard to do, because of some principle or other that you probably learned in your social psych class. I’m gonna go with we are social beings and not hemits.
Oh well, I gotta get back to work. Have a great day. Practice healthy living.
DG
karikalaguna
October 20, 2012
You can practice kindness, but start with yourself first. You cannot truly be kind to other people, if you are not kind towards yourself. And Jennie deserves to receive plenty of kindness.
And don’t strive for perfection. Remember what I told about acceptance sometime ago. The road to self improvement is not a straight line. It has its ups and downs…follow this path with a sense of kindness to yourself, acceptance and a fair degree of humour. You will get there!
Eaeme
October 21, 2012
My Dear Jennie,
I can and cannot understand why others have not swamped this shit inspired story with comments. It is most thought provoking. There are so many deep factors at play: “Judgment” based on such a complex standard that reflects judgment of your past. “By the Grace of God”, where does that God dwell who gave you Grace? What grade scale could you use to define perfection, could any of us ever be “Perfect”? “Forgiveness”, is that a product of submission or of power? I have a long way to go to puzzle out these questions. My starting orientations are like this. The standards for Judgment are everywhere different. I am the same person now as I was when I was different and I committed to change because I realized it would be healthier. It’s tough to change but I have no regrets or shame about how I used to be. God is part of everything in this universe and in me is a strong core i can depend on when I’m weak. Perfection is an undefined target, not a goal. Forgiveness is something in my mind that has no effect on the perpetrator but is the last stage of my release though tolerance.
We have spots on the newish carpet due to the goddam dog but we love her.
What can I say, your blogs show me best the perils of being alive. Stay well!
becomingjennie
October 22, 2012
Thak you Eaeme! The post is swamped with comments, I’ve just failed to post them in a timely fashion. However, now… is … the… time.
You stay well as well
Rich
October 21, 2012
Funny, I had much the same reaction in the first few years after I quit alcohol. Looking back now, that sense of judgment seemed more like a defense mechanism against the hard and ugly jolt of recognizing myself within that bygone life. Not so much out of fear of backsliding into it; I’d long since been over it all by that point. It just seemed another way of putting distance between myself and the past, and that was exactly what I was looking for and what I needed at the time. It was a pretty dull-edged tool at best; I’m sure that it alienated many people around me, beyond recall. Thankfully a few very dear—and very patient—friends managed to hang on for that very bumpy part of my ride.
It sounds like, whether consciously or not, this sense of judgment that you feel in dealing with Blackout Girl or Potential Stripper Girl is a similar form of emotional defense. Or at least, a reaction to that ripple of disturbance that they both represent in different echoes of your own past. But it sounds like you’ve already grasped the essence of sobriety in that regard: That’s not your life. Not anymore.
Obviously, their lives are certainly not yours to live, and who would want that burden anyway? But more importantly, what they represent does not speak to your life anymore. It may feel like it does right now, with the memory of that past life still close enough to weigh heavily in tough times. But it all fades with time and distance. And—as you say—with practice. Every new day in this new life of yours. The sense of judgment fades too. It just gets to be too much to carry around.
becomingjennie
October 22, 2012
Judgement is far too much to carry… My dad used to talk about judgement and regret being stones that fill a gunny sack, and the marks we make in the ground dragging around this giant sack of judgement and regret. It never meant much to me as a child (gunny is not a pretty/fancy/soft fabric haha), but as an adult, lord knows it rings true. Certainly for me. Thank you…
amy
October 22, 2012
You’re human, not perfect, and you sometimes make mistakes, use poor judgement, are lazy or inconsiderate, etc. It’s part of life, and learning to forgive yourself is just as important as trying not to do those things in the first place!
me
October 23, 2012
becomingjennie
October 23, 2012
JESUS CHRIST YOU SHOULD WARN A GIRL FIRST!!!!
Zephyr
October 23, 2012
Practice is where it’s at, like 2 turntables & a microphone. Or as Bob Sees It, “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.”
Good work.
anonymous
October 23, 2012
“I feel judgement flowing from the ventricles of my heart, out my aorta and straight down my backbone where it fills every single artery of my body.”
that would be amazing if they could do full body MRI of people when they feel ‘judgement’. . . is there some hormone associated with it? how does it all work? amazing.
Lindsay
October 31, 2012
Thank you for all you share here.
In judging others (which I consider myself highly skilled in), have you checked out Byron Katie? She has an amazing way to look at thought and judgements that allows us to be as petty as we want!
theduffboy
November 22, 2012
Don`t be so hard on yourself, Jennie. I`m sensing the projection you feel from your “past lives”, represented by these girls, must be hard to contain or to manage gracefully. I, too, will judge several times a day (and I`m not near that many people who remind me of my demons).