Today and this past week were particularly spectacular. I had the honor and pleasure of visiting my little brother, who is dealing with some very similar issues to my own, and the joy of reuniting with an old girl friend who is both sober and “retired.” One of those incredible weeks you begin to think everything really is going to be okay and that perhaps, it already is okay. Strangely enough, the week did not start out on such a positive note. In fact, it started in ruins. At least, in my mind.
Being Judged
Last Saturday marked the midway point of writing the “I am Jennie” script with Sarah Tomlinson, my sherpa, dearest friend and writing partner. We had reached the crest of the film and were slowly climbing back down that hill together. The Starbucks at which we wrote was colder than usual and though just a few sprinkles, it was the kind of LA weather that warranted rain boots (i.e. a few puddles here and there perfect for jumping in/through/around). That evening, I met with another girl friend, Angel, making Saturday the most lady oriented day in quite some time. We had dinner and window shopped through the Century City mall where super-over-priced shops rise atop Disneyland sparkly cement lined walkways. I’ve been in “Holy-shit-I-can’t-believe-I-spent-4k-on-my-teeth-so-I’m-not-spending-any-money-unnecessarily mode,” and after a long day of writing, school and discussing finances (which always seems to come up on lady dates), I found myself the T of HALT and had a near mental breakdown over my lack of financial stability in Sephora.
I do not need ANY. MORE. MAKEUP. I don’t even want any, actually.
Well that’s not true. I feel like I could always use one more tube of lipgloss. So it appears that I just lied.
The truth of the matter is that I get very stuck in thinking that financial instability is something that has been put upon me. As if I don’t have a choice in paying for A) my rent or B) shit tons of lipgloss. The truth is that I get stuck thinking, “I can’t believe I have to pay for _____ but that I can’t buy _______,” and make myself a victim. I have done enough work in the past three and a half years to know that I absolutely do have a choice when it comes to money and that I cannot be a victim if I have options. I have also done enough work to recognize that there are still some pretty hefty feelings attached to the dollar, and until I learn to have a healthy relationship with money, I will continue to have anxiety around it. So I started talking about it with Mr. Man (newish behavior), about what money means to me, about how much I worry about being dependent on other human beings (financially, which leads to emotionally), namely him, and about how I equate financial dependency to weakness and inadequacy. Needless to say he continues to be one of the most awesome and compassionate people on earth and told me that he will buy me frozen yogurt on those nights I feel too guilty to buy it myself. It’s the little things that really matter.
You know what’s crazy? You know what my monthly bills were four years ago today? Just to pay the necessary bills – 5k/mo. Yugh. Today? 1,500. I still feel like there is more to shed. A program of subtraction, not addition.
I don’t know if I mentioned this in my last post, but I just found out that I am going to graduate this academic school year. I went to see my counselor to ask her about “the plan,” and she said, “Oh, you should turn this in because you are good to graduate this year. You’ll have to take one course in summer, but you can walk in May.” I thought my head was going to explode. Right there in her office. Brains. All over the place. And not in a good way.
See, immediately, I thought, “Well, this fucks everything up. This is not the plan I’ve planned.” Control this, control that. I wanted to take double capstone courses next fall (because I am insane and like to overdo everything) and then only have a semester between undergrad and grad school. Now, there is a year to build a CV, and time to study for the GRE. Turns out her plan is better than mine. She said if I continue as I am, I will graduate cum laude. I wanted to tell her to stop talking to me because I didn’t know what the fuck that meant. Now I get it. I’m glad I didn’t yell at her.
The Reading
The thing is, I try to plan and plan and arrange and manage and line up all the ducks, with the money and the school and the family and the friends, but there is no amount of planning or duck arranging that will make life better than the way it already is. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is show up and try not to let fear dictate my next step.
Becoming Jennie 
Shane
October 29, 2012
You have come a long way from were you were before. Don’t forget to give yourself a pat on the back now and then. But remember your goals and the challanges to get there. A mountain is never as fun the climb unless it is hard to get to the top. You are doing an outstanding job girl!
becomingjennie
October 29, 2012
Thank you Shane.
Chase
October 29, 2012
I just wanted to let you know that you have an awesome talent for words! You can entertain, enlighten, and inform all at once. I should also tell you that I knew you briefly as Penny and now as Jennie and I can tell that you were always meant for this (what you are doing now).
I can only imagine how many people you have touched with your words/life
wishing you all the best.
Stewart Forgie
October 29, 2012
Way to Go Girl! Congratulations on your impending graduation. It sounds very much like the ducks got fed up being arranged and just went ahead and lined themselves up on their own! Just think Jennie, now you have a year in which to consolidate your acheivements, (of which there are many) and throw in a bit of extra volunteering. My daughter (who you remind me of so much and I mentioned to you in a previous post) also got good news this week. She has just heard from the bank where she is now employed that they have chosen her to go for training as a financial advisor! Hey! Maybe she should give you a call when she has passed her exams. lol.
becomingjennie
October 29, 2012
Stewart I might take you up on that… Tell her Congrats again and again!!!
henry
October 29, 2012
Congrats that is great news. Grad school in many respects is easier than undergrad. Good writing will get you a long way for sure. Make sure you do at least 3-5 internships or fellowships. They are very important. Considering you are already a published author this will help a lot. Also, take a GRE course. They are expensive but well worth it. When you apply to grad schools, many look at grades and test scores just to get into consideration. Many use a formula to even look at your file. Take the GRE at least twice.
becomingjennie
October 29, 2012
Great advice with the GRE stuff and thank you for reminding me that many programs will use a formula to even consider looking at my file. It takes some of the pressure off the must be a perfect human thing and refocuses it to what will actually help, internships, volunteering, etc. Thanks Henry.
travelingb
October 29, 2012
“I have done enough work in the past three and a half years to know….”, the beginning of this sentence is the start of allowing yourself to feel guilty about what-ever you were about to say. I have been doing work for about 12 years and sometimes still forget all that I’ve learned; momentary lapses of reason happen no matter how long,hard,or strong you may be. I am always proud when I have them, recognize them, and move on…. even when it does take longer than I’d like. I feel you can never do enough work to stop the ingrained triggers that each one of us have, just be grateful you stop them before they spin out and your back down the rabbit-hole….thank you for your posts, also big congrats on graduation being just around the corner! AWESOME…
becomingjennie
October 29, 2012
You are very on with this, with the guilting myself because I “shoulda woulda coulda.” Thank you for calling me out on this. I need to work on being proud of where I am, and on moving on. thanks
Invisible Mikey
October 29, 2012
Just keep on keepin’ on, sweets. We’re always building the CV. We just don’t know who will be reading it.
becomingjennie
October 29, 2012
Yes. Thank you Mikey.
Aaron
October 29, 2012
What’s the old saying? “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” Truth is we all make plans and freak out when things don’t go EXACTLY like we think they should. I think maybe the ability to stay calm around these things comes with age. Or maybe just how ever long it takes someone to be mature enough to say “this isn’t what I planned for but that’s ok.” Anyway my life’s path is nothing like I would have thought 3 years ago, and I’ve only recently decided that’s fine. I just had to learn that I can’t control alot of what happens, just how to adapt and respond. Welp, keep on keepin on.
becomingjennie
October 29, 2012
Thanks Aaron…I am hoping it comes with age!
Stewart Forgie
October 29, 2012
Don’t worry Jennie, It does! 🙂 (Along with grey hair, failing memory, expanding waistlines and receding hairlines!)
Jose G.
October 29, 2012
Congrats on your impending graduation. As someone who took 10 years to get my college degree, I know your journey of failure, doubt, struggle, determination, and triumph. You should be proud. Use it as a guide for any task in your life i.e if I can finish college after all of this, I can do anything. Good luck and keep posting.
firstverb
October 29, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
Often quoted little saying, but so true. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” I empathize with your predicament. I spend an inordinate amount of time with my spread sheets and lists attempting to keep my world in order and figure out all my if thens. And it upsets me when someone has the audacity to alter the schedule without giving written notice of an upcoming detour, no matter how much better their way happens to be. Money ick ick phooey, but it is a necessary thing. And when we don’t have it to trade for what we want /need does add to stresses. Happy that you and Mr Man work together, whether it be for plates & napkins or frozen deserts, happy for yall. Congratulations on the upcoming graduation, hard to believe that it is happening so seemingly fast. You have worked so hard for it. I hope your school has an actual graduation walk, where you get to walk across the stage and shake the hands and get the leather bound diploma. I’m sure you will have a section in the auditorium filled with loved ones and support members cheering. Happy week dear lady thank you for the post. Wishing you smiles and happiness and rest in between everything else.
Have a glorious day.
firstverb
October 29, 2012
Like I said often quoted. smiles
Kelly
October 29, 2012
Congratulations on graduating early. That must feel really good. You must have every hour of everyday planned to be able to fit everything that you do in. Just wondering if you feel like you have to be busy doing something because if not you will fall back to bad habits?
I think that Alyson Hannigan from Buffy and HIMYM should play you in the movie. Just thinking out loud.
Charlotte
October 29, 2012
You looked gorgeous at the Lit Death Match! ❤
anonymous
October 29, 2012
awesome
theduffboy
October 29, 2012
I share your anxiety surrounding money (in my case, the not-as-mightyas-dollar-yet-local quetzal), Jennie and I applaud Mr. Man for stepping up in a big way with the “little things”. Congratulations on your academic prowess!
P.S. Wasn`t sure about if I was spelling correctly prowess, so I searched on WordReference and found a definition that I hope brightens your day: “bravery in battle”.
becomingjennie
October 30, 2012
Love. Prowess. Word of the day.
theduffboy
October 30, 2012
🙂
Kelly
October 30, 2012
So due to Frankenstorm I was unable to let my dogs out last night. Yep woke up to shit in the kitchen. Shit happens to everyone I guess. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do. Peace out!
DG
October 30, 2012
Dear Jennie,
The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry. You have made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of Gravity as you understand her. EGBOK. Hey, there is nothing wrong with planning. As a financial planner, I tell clients that failing to plan is planning to fail. So, go ahead and make your plans, and then meditate on the serenity prayer.
Congratulations on the being able to graduate early. Kudos. And cum laude no less. Double kudos. However, now that you know what cum laude means you’re probably beating yourself up for not being magna cum laude or summa cum laude. Geez, what is it with us addicts and perfection?
As a financial planner/counselor, your posts about money and financial security always interest me. I do hope you are getting the help you want, and making progress with rebuilding your relationship with money. It’s a very tricky relationship to say the least, and like any relationship it takes work. I do not pretend to know anything about your relationship with money. All I know is what you’ve shared, but I might go so far as to say you resent money. It lied to you, cheated you, cheated on you, short-changed you, treated you with disdain and contempt, corrupted you, and dare I say nearly killed you. The stuff is wicked bad, isn’t it? But we all know where that resentment list leads, don’t we. Sorry.
I ask, when healthy Jennie is a successful author, and screenwriter, and has a healthy income to support a healthy $5k/mo standard of living, will she still feel the same way about money? Maybe, I don’t know. I work with clients that are worth millions, make millions, have no debt, and still get all anxious when I tell them to go on a vacation.
Best of luck to you. You are doing the work, it works if you’re worth it, so work it, because YOU ARE WORTH IT.
DG
P.S. Your brother is/was in the military. Thank him for me.
Dave
October 30, 2012
I think you never should let fear dictate your decisions. Just saying 🙂
calebdb8
October 30, 2012
Hrm… My first comment was maybe flagged as spam. For the most part I just said how I heard in a meeting that the less you have, the more free you are. This probably has a lot of truth to it.
I want to live minimally. Get rid of all the stuff I don’t need. I have been taking stock in the house around me and seeing what can stay and what can go.
Anyway, keep on keeping on.
Hoosier
October 31, 2012
No one deserves your success better than you! Any thoughts yet on casting who might play you in the story of your life? Who would you LIKE to play you?
Khaled Ghorab
November 1, 2012
My dearest Jennie, a quote I read sprung to mind as I read through this post. “Life wasn’t designed to give you what you need. Life was designed to give you what you deserve.” Jim Rohn.
Warmly,
Khaled
Brett
November 2, 2012
I’m just getting back to your writings from a small interruption named Sandy here on Long Island…
I don’t know how often you look at your own website, but there is an amazing tale to be found in it. “Looking for Words” in the right hand margin in a cute little computer widget that weights words found within your posts.
Awake, ending, healing, life, love, recovery, and writing now far outweigh previous words like emotionless, lethal, wrong, fucked, wrong ex-boyfriends, and yesterday.
I think you are doing fine. Love you, love the inspiration you continue to give to all of the rest of us.
By the way, did you look up the definition of Cum Laude? ‘With distinction. With honor.’ Throw your chest out with pride. Then get back to work. You are sooooo not done yet. 🙂
Phil in Cleveland
November 3, 2012
Congratulations on your graduation Jennie. Love how you write. One of the best lines you ever wrote-” sometimes the best thing I can do is show up and try not to let fear dictate my next step”. You are doing so well. Just keep moving forward.
Brian Cornell
November 4, 2012
Hello Jenni,
I just finished reading your book this evening and I loved it! I’m a fan of your previous career and then I stumbled on your blog one night and read some of your entries and was absolutely amazed! Then I purchased your book two days ago and thought it was amazing! I have a huge amount of respect for you for sharing your life with the world. It’s a very brave and I’m sure scary thing to do. I have so Mich more to say, I just need to find the words. Reading about your life has truly touched me, and also educated me on several things. I think you are a beautiful, strong, intelligent, and wonderful person. I’m looking forward to going back through all your past posts and learning more about Jenni Ketcham! If you have time is love a reply, if not I understand. Stay strong and keep writing! Talk to you soon! And thank you!!
Jill
November 5, 2012
Thank you Jennie for writing your book. I found so so so good…Good job and I wish you well…
becomingjennie
November 5, 2012
Thank you kindly Jill.
Holli
November 6, 2012
Fantastic shit going on in your life girl… all the way AROUND. I’m happy for you!!
Zephyr
November 7, 2012
Congratulations! Your recollection that subraction, not addition, is the program feels particularly appropriate. My sense is that the unexpected is a fantastic opportunity to stretch into some acceptance pose.
Awarenes of my own tendency to isolate and down spiral into pity, anger, and sorrow in response to life unfolding differently than I plan, I also believe that goals and ambitions are oft assisted by planning, not the exclusionary single path kind of planning, but the kind of parallel planning that mimics water flowing downhill. I have an undefined number of ways to travel, and I like the variety of new experience, so ultimately, whether I choose left or right, up or down, yes or no, I still ultimately progress further. And the path is a profoundly, satisfying, joyful experience.
You help many by sharing your experiences, reflections, dreams. Thanks for being you.
I’m a sucker for a quote, and this one comes to mind at the moment.
“Stay commited to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” Tom Robbins says.
Peace out.
Ro
November 8, 2012
What is it about all of us control girls? It’s so exhausting sometimes… sometimes letting go and reminding ourselves to just be in the moment. And sometimes when you are able to do that you get little surprises: joy. I’m not going to congratulate you on graduating because it’s only a step to the next one. You are doing so well, keep on “showing up and not be fearful.”
Simone from Brazil
November 18, 2012
Hi, I just met you! I watched a video of you speaking at the Pasadena Recovery Center and you were talking about your desperation of wanting to remain out of the industry and also realizing you didn´t have any skills. Oh Jennie, you have skills…. I don´t know how you have them after living the life you lived, but you have skills, girl! You are so blessed. Your blog made me smile. Keep going forward! Always forward! No matter how dirty your past is, your future is always SPOTLESS.
becomingjennie
November 27, 2012
Thank you Simone… xo
Stewart Forgie
November 20, 2012
Three weeks since an update. I’m hoping its because things are going so well for you that you are to busy to update and not that things are going bad. Either way Jennie, Stay safe and sober and know that we care.
bsantrac
November 21, 2012
Jennie,
I can completely understand your feelings about money. A year ago I had come to a startling realization that I was getting grossly underpaid. It’s as if I had suddenly awakened and realized that it was no longer 1988 and salaries have gone up since then. The raise I was holding out for wasn’t coming in this economy and even if it did, it wouldn’t really change anythign. The only reason I was able to keep myself in denial and others from knowing was careful money management. Still, the realization that most people around me were making weekly what I took home monthly was a little disorientating.
I quickly looked at the finances and decided to REDUCE. The Merc would have to go along with insane insurance and maintenance payments. A bike quickly took the vacated parking spot and I couldn’t help but rejoice at the $10/month insurance and a gas tank that started to overflow at 13 bucks. But the most rewarding part was zipping past the lines of miserable debtors in gridlock and knowing I’d never been among them again if I could help it.
Next came the landline phone which had been disconnected for over a year and yet I still paid for it. Long distance? Cable TV? It turned out the only shows I watched were on the free channels anyway. Remember the time when Basic Cable was 13 bucks and included every channel imaginable?
As I called to cancel services, I found out that the operators on the other side were all instructed to do the same thing; offer the same plan for about half the cost. Was I a chump all along to be paying this much when they are so ready to give me the same for half? I was offered considerable savings for everything from bike insurance to credit cards to cell phone service. And it continued for months even after I had forgotten I’d ever been stupid enough to pay for some of this shit. Is this stuff worth even this much then? Is it worth anything? Does it have a price or are they giving me something that cost them nothing and just seeing how much I’m willing to pay for it? How do I know what anything is worth when it can be $135 a month or $75 a month or free for 6 months?
As I REDUCED, more and more things seemed to be unnecessary and it became easier to get rid them. A year into it, I came to the point where I started to question if I really needed anything at all, and after a couple months of Craigslist postings I was left with two suitcases of clothes and books. The parking spot was now completely empty, the bills were all paid off, the credit cards were cancelled, the dead end job was left for somebody else in denial and I was a free man.
My point is, don’t be afraid to REDUCE. I’ve started over from scratch half a dozen times, every time volontarily, and I’d never been more or less happy because I of the things I had or didn’t have. I’m not saying you’ll be happier with less and I’m not saying I’m happier than anybody else; I’m just saying I’m not any less happy without this stuff but I am a lot less stressed and can now actually see the forest for the trees.
Enjoy and keep on keeping on
michael92105
November 21, 2012
Dear Jennie: Miss you and hoping you and the family are well. Happy Thanksgiving! We have a lot to be grateful for.
CanadaPat
November 23, 2012
More blog plz! 🙂
becomingjennie
November 27, 2012
Done! xox
michael92105
November 26, 2012
Hey Jennie–I know this is a tough time of year. Even though it’s just another day, the expectations, memories have a way of creeping in. If you’re in need of a little pick me up, just watch your share at the Pasadena Recovery Center.
Positive thoughts coming your way…hope all is well. Stay close.