Yes. I know. It has been quite some time since the last post. I have not fallen off the face of the earth, which I’ve heard is a physical impossibility, unless of course, I am circling in earth’s orbit, which means, of course, that I have — in fact — catapulted myself off of the face of earth via rocket ship, and not fallen as the popular axiom would have us all believe.
I digress.
Hello.
How are you?
I am fine. I am cray, but fine.
Okay. Nitty gritty time. Let’s check in.
1. I’ve been busy. Like, super busy. Not so busy that I didn’t have time to post here, because I’ve been doing other writing but busy enough to convince myself that I didn’t have time to post here. Whenever I come here, I feel I must be rigorously honest, about myself, my life, my emotional status, my financial, etcetera etcetera. Sometimes, this is scary. Being super honest to people that you feel know you fairly well has become scary again. Not because I am using. But because I am not using. I am super sober and this makes me super sensitive and I feel like I’ve been wired on caffeine for the past two months because they have flown by without a note, or a letter. Just gone. Where does time go when it leaves? I hear it simply comes back around.
2. Finals are approaching. Finals, and an even bigger thing, that I have not mentioned here yet because I have been trying to process it all in my brain. Which is a very scary place to be sometimes. Especially if I am there trying to figure it all out on my own. It can become quite lonesome. And in the words of Allen Ginsberg, I’m never sure whether it’s sinister or some sort of practical joke. “I’m trying to come to the point.”
3. I had a dream the other night, about babies. Jill had a baby and my friend, an addiction specialist and recent UCLA PhD. grad, Adi, had a baby. I had to change both babies’ diapers, and while Jill’s baby’s diaper was free and clean, maybe a little bit of pee, Adi’s baby’s diaper was filled with shit. Greasy, messy dark shit that got all over my hands and my arms. I couldn’t wipe it off. There was no amount of scrubbing that would clean my hands. I woke up and thought, “Holy crap, I need to apply to Master’s programs, not just PhD. programs, lest I be covered in shit!” *In all likelihood, I didn’t really say the word “lest” in my thoughts upon awakening. I am not that cool.
4. I had been intent upon applying to doctorate programs once I’d completed my Bachelor’s degree. This meant that I would take the next year off to work, take GRE’s (General Record Examinations), apply to grad schools, and then hopefully be in a program by Fall 2014.The year of 2014 I will be 31. Most doctorate programs run 5-7 years. That means I will be, on average, 37 by the time I finish. That also means that Mr. Man would have waited 7-9 years for me to begin a career and start a family. Which he may or may not be okay with. The truth is, I want to be a doctor because of my ego and not just because I want to help people. Yes, I would love to do research for the rest of my life, bury my head in books and papers and thoughts and hypothesize about the way things are and are not, but I would also love to have a family. I would love to begin my career before 40, have a family before 40, be done with school long before 40. It is incredibly selfish of me to plan our life by my ego’s need to be called “Doctor,” when theoretically, I can do just as much help being called, “Jennie.” School will always be there. And if I tend it lovingly, if I nurture what is ours and what can be ours, so will my relationship with Mr. Man. So….
5. I am almost done with my first grad school application. I am applying to Northwestern’s Master’s of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy. I want to work with the addiction population, and there are a few professors there whose research aligns with what I “think” is my path. I am also applying to Portland State’s Master’s Education in Rehabilitation Counseling, and Seattle University’s Master’s Education in Community Counseling. If I don’t get in, I can always take the GREs next year and continue with the first plan, but also include some terminal, professional programs. I cannot be so rigid as to think that what I’ve decided I should achieve is the only way my life will be fruitful. Because, in truth, life already is.
Yes, it is a little late to be applying, but whatever, here I go. We shall see. I will try to be unattached. Try to leave it all in the hands of my HP. Try to believe that no matter what happens, I am okay and things are as they should be. I cannot manage my own life as I try, so desperately, to do. I have learned to trust. I will continue to do so.
*Sigh*
“Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid.”
I am not afraid.
Eric MH (@ericofthedead)
November 27, 2012
Great shot of you with the jeep!
Dirk
November 27, 2012
Keep on, keeping on! It’s funny how for all the planning things fall into place.
Stephster
November 27, 2012
Things will come when they are supposed to, Dr. Jennie. Mr. Man has been here for a while, and it seems to me that is just fine with him, as long as he’s with you.
Neil
November 27, 2012
It’s OK to be afraid and, I think, natural. It’s not necessarily a reason not to try, though.
Family, kids – that’s a very personal issue. I was 31, my wife 33 when we had our first one. And it’s a matter of balancing work, career, parent, self, everyday life whatever age you are. I wouldn’t have the cheek to say you ought or ought not to start a family now or later, that’s entirely for you (and your other half), I’ll just say that my 29 year old son and 27 year old daughter, both having flown the nest for several years, are seldom out of my thoughts for very long: they are my greatest achievement and I love them so desperately it hurts, That sense of being filled with love – well, give some thought to not depriving yourself of it for too long..
In School Forever!
November 27, 2012
Keep it going, Jennie! I’m somewhat in the same boat. I’ll probably be in my early to mid 40s when I finish!
michael92105
November 27, 2012
Glad you’re back…was a little worried. You will find your way. And in all honesty I haven’t had much use for doctors in all my years in the helping profession. Yes you can and do, help people just by being plain ol’ “Jennie”. A clean and sober, published author, “Jennie”.
Thanks for all you do.
michael92105
Thumbing My Way
I have not been home since you left long ago
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven
Counting steps, walking backwards on the road
I’m counting my way back to heaven
I can’t be free with what’s locked inside of me
If there was a key, you took it in your hand
There’s no wrong or right, but i’m sure there’s good and bad
The questions linger overhead
No matter how cold the winter, there’s a springtime ahead
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven
I wish that i could hold you
I wish that i had
Thinking ’bout heaven
I let go of a rope, thinking that’s what held me back
And in time i’ve realized, it’s now wrapped around my neck
I can’t see what’s next, from this lonely overpass
Hang my head and count my steps, as another car goes past
All the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives
Choosing the shiny ones instead
I turned my back, now there’s no turning back
No matter how cold the winter, there’s a springtime ahead
I smile, but who am i kidding?
I’m just walking the miles, every once in a while i’ll get a ride
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven
Thumbing my way back to heaven
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven…
Joe Harrington
November 27, 2012
God’s Will, not ours, but we have to do the footwork. Enjoy seeing you do the work. It will all work out the way it is supposed to as long as we don’t pick up, we have no chance of anything changing if we pick up. Good to see you return! It’s been a while! 🙂
Jimmy
November 27, 2012
I’m OK thank you. Got a wellness light, it’s too dark where I live, so that helps.
1. Me too. Writing just starts to become tiresome when you’re busy. Being emotionally honest and open drains you so horribly too. The inner man just says “man up” even if you’re a woman, no doubt.
2. Ah, Gotcha
3. Uh, ok
4. Sounds like someone wants a little miss Jennie or master Man in their life.
5. Sounds like you’re taking every psychology course imaginable to man. How’s that working out for you? I’m just trying to learn about people without the formality that tends to obfuscate the true nature of man. I’d prefer not to decypher textbooks but hey to each their own.
Sorry no cool video this time but maybe I could interest you in the movie Dune? Book wasn’t too bad either but I didn’t get through it all, the movie is only I dunno a couple hours – cant read a book in that time. There’s a famous line you may like, regarding fear. I think it’s fairly early on in the movie if it bores or horrifies you.
And if Mr Man is into scifi, he can thank me later. Truth be told I can’t remember the movie all that well except for that one part. Funny the things the mind chooses to remember, huh? If it means things to people around you, it’s easier to remember. Congrats on being 30, You’ve made it past 90% of the obstacles that kill people by your age, including bleach! (I knew a kid that drank it and survived, and she’s actually a smart kid now – I know!) Take care
J
Jason
November 27, 2012
Jennie nothing wrong with planning ahead and wanting to set goals…I have learned that if you don’t set goals to achieve that time will pass you by and you don’t want to wake up and say shit I am already 40 what happen to the last 10 yrs. Aim high, be true to yourself, and remember the curves in life can be straighten out. Everything has a way of falling into place. Trust me! Later Jason
Kelly
November 27, 2012
Hi Jenny, glad your doing well. Ok so how does dreaming about baby shit on you make you think I’ve got to apply for a masters degree? I don’t get it but then again your the phsych major. My wife got her doctorite at the age of 37, she’s a vet. She has always wanted to be a vet even before she could say the word. She would say she wanted to be a veteran, very cute I know. She graduated 6 years ago and we have been together for 23 years so most of the years she was in school or working for money to go to school. It was a really tough road, I worked my ass off putting her through school and now that she is done we have a 150,000+ student loan debt. But honestly I wouldn’t change a thing. She is so happy now and is such an awesome Dr. She never would’ve been this happy if she decided to stay being a vet tech. I never even thought of saying to her maybe we should give up after the second year of trying to get into vet school failed. I always believed she would get in, she did on her 3rd try. I admire people who know what they want to do in life so much because I still don’t know what the hell I want to do. Never had the career drive like you do. Makes me jelous. My point is that if you really want a doctorite then you should go for it. I’m pretty sure you can get married and have a family while going to school. It won’t be easy of course but it can be done. Why pick one or the other? How much would you regret not getting doctorite later on in your life, would it always bug you that you didn’t take it that far. Do you discuss the future with Mr Man, what does he want out of all this? Will you resent him later if you don’t try for everything you want? Man I wish I had your drive I would be a surgeon of some kind like an Orthopedic surgeon fixing broken bones. But I just don’t have it. Hated school really. I have a really hard time just sitting and listening to someone lecture, hard to pay attention.
Oh yeah before I go don’t worry to much about getting into school, vet school is really hard to get into because there are so few of them compared to med school. You’ll get in if you want it. Don’t know if this helps or not but thought I would try. Thanks, Kelly.
Invisible Mikey
November 27, 2012
LOVE the dream! (Love dreams in general.) You’re so creative.
So, in this movie you wrote and produced for your own enlightenment you have a comparison of two women representing different possibilities along the path of recovery. Jill (standing in for “further along/more time sober/better choices”) creates – there’s a baby who puts out a little healthy waste, the child you hope to be reborn as. Adi (less time sober/harder obstacles/more unexpected curves in the road) also made a baby, one with LOTS OF SHIT to contend with, a fear that your inner child has become contaminated. It’s your occasional recurrent worry that you caused too much wreckage to be able to clean it up properly.
The theme of the dream is Hope vs. Fear. You are weighing potential symbolic outcomes to reassure yourself, to face your fears, and to maintain balance and a clear head when under siege. It’s the dream equivalent of visualizing for success. You have concrete plans and goals, and you can’t control which doors of opportunity will open. But some will! Remind yourself that the work you do, the correct choices you make a thousand times a day, create a tangible future that you get to nurture – they make the healthy baby. They also make YOU the healthy baby. There are always unexpected outcomes too, good and bad. Adapt and thrive.
salmacis99
November 27, 2012
Well Doctor Jennie (one day!) just keep at it. You’re taking the talk AND walking the walk- stay proud of that and remain unafraid. You’ve got this 🙂
nuphar
November 27, 2012
thank you jennie for this post! i’m writing myself to ease my mind and as a way to dill with my feelings and to figure out things, but in the last few days i just wanted to geel nothing, just to evoid anythings, but reading a new post from you inspierd me to dill with myself. i’m always waiting to read some more of your thoughts, so again, thank you for beeing honest, smart, funny – and sharing it with us!
xxx
nuphar
Stewart Forgie
November 27, 2012
Hi Jennie and its great to see you are still doing well. I Just wanted to say dont be afraid of what you have to be when you post here. This is the one place above all others where you should feel free to be yourself. whatever that may be at any particular time.
Ghandi didnt need a title to demonstrate his greatness as a human being and niether do you. Just go and do what your higher power directs you to do and everything else will fall into place. You are already on the right path and need never be afraid again.
David F
November 27, 2012
I missed the blog so much for almost a month. I got so desperate to read all the awesome posts you blog about I went back and started to reread the old blogs you have. When I started doing this I was very impressed. You have come very far sister in your recovery.
Best part of your blog today….. you realizing you wanting to be called doctor was more about your ego than anything else and realizing you help plenty of people just by being Jennie. At the very least I know you have helped me a lot in the last few years with this blog.
Now don’t leave for that long again. You are my security blanket and when you leave for that long I start to freak out. :p Reading your blog is like therapy for me. I suddenly am not that alone in the world.
You know how I know how far you have come after reading your blog since you have been away for a month? You would have NEVER when you started this blog would even think about typing you are thinking of having a family. You are maturing so much. BTW I miss update photos on Saucy. :p
becomingjennie
November 27, 2012
I promise I won’t stay away for so long again. Haha… I felt it too!!! Ugh! No. No more stay awaysies.
Stewart Forgie
November 27, 2012
Hey I just noticed! Where did you find that old Brit army truck?
becomingjennie
November 27, 2012
Amazing right? It was at the Canon Roadhouse in Namibia… on vacation with my dad outside the Fish River Canyon. Mind. Blowies.
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.namibian.org/travel/namibia/pictures/fish-river/fullsize/Fish_River_Canyon_(3)_fs.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.namibian.org/travel/namibia/fish_river.html&h=162&w=216&sz=1&tbnid=owZvFEQUh6sOrM:&tbnh=110&tbnw=147&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dfish%2Briver%2Bcanyon%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=fish+river+canyon&usg=__vU4LuKe9TadlJOd7YbgXVohpjjc=&docid=mMifj64-7G1EFM&itg=1&sa=X&ei=YZe1UNrYDeKDiwLG5oDwBA&ved=0CH0Q_B0wCg
Invisible Mikey
November 27, 2012
Yes. Great photo!
Stewart Forgie
November 27, 2012
Sweet! These things get everywhere lol! My Late Dad drove one in WWII, Made me think of him when I noticed what it was you were posing in front of. Thanks for reminding me Jennie 🙂
firstverb
November 27, 2012
Miss Jennifer,
Happy to read you once again, you’ve been missed. I liked the New York Times article, congratulations, happy that you are able to share your words with more people. Ok I see it now, it took me a few times reading it and going back and forth looking. Miss Jill is a licensed therapist and Dr Adi is well a doctor. And the poop is what Dr Adi gets to deal with on a daily basis, while Miss Jill has a fairly clean sane practice, which is seemingly poopless. And I think you could have said ”lest”, cause you are just that cool. If being a doctor is what you want to be, then be one. I know you are able, it will just take time. If being a therapist will get you what you want, being able to help people sooner and also allow you to start the family that you and Mr Man deserve to have, then do that. I understand where you are coming from, the Mrs and I waited a lot. We dated 4 years before getting married, then waited another 6 before having creature number 1. Then waited another 4 before creature number 2, then started popping them out every 2 years. We stopped at 4, fyi; just the right number for a minivan. Anyway while we were doing all the waiting and learning, all our friends were having these families that are now mostly grown. All those friends are enjoying grandbabies and going back to school and having new careers. I wonder what my world would be like today if we had started 10 years earlier. I’ll never know and it doesn’t really matter now. I’d suggest having the kids while yall are young enough to keep up with them though, cause these 4 run the Mrs and I ragged. But it is a good satisfying sort of ragged. Just to put into your memory for later, schedule the birth and get the epidural, it makes for a much nicer birthday for everyone involved in the kid’s birth. Don’t be afraid all is going to be great and everything is going just the way it is suppose to, happiness sweet lady.
calebdb8
November 27, 2012
Thanks for posting! Keep on keeping on.
michael92105
November 27, 2012
Hello again:
Here’s something else that came my way today. The Thumbing My Way is a Pearl Jam song who’s lyrical image has grabbed me on and off over the years and for some reason it seemed like the right moment to share with you (maybe it had to do with the space shuttle picture along with how I felt after reading your post)- nothing cryptic intended, just how I feel sometimes on this journey that I think I sometimes share with you…anyway this came to me by one who knows me all too well – again maybe you can identify.
Bottom line is I’m glad you’re back—remember don’t disappear on us 😉
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:
… satisfaction is a lowly thing, how pure a thing is joy.
–Marianne Moore
Our perfectionism generally dashes all hopes of self-satisfaction. But the program is here to show us that we can make progress. We can learn to believe that we are doing any task as well as we need to do it, at this time. Our job is the effort. The outcome is part of a larger plan, one that involves more than ourselves.
We’ll find joy when we find acceptance of ourselves and our efforts and the belief that we are spiritual beings whose lives do have purpose and direction.
The wisdom that accompanies spiritual growth offers us security, that which we have sought along many avenues. And when we feel secure, we can trust that the challenges confronting us are purposeful and to our advantage.
One day at a time, one small prayer at a time, moves us even closer to spiritual security. We can look with glad anticipation at our many responsibilities and activities today. They are our opportunities for spiritual security. We can trust our growing inner resources by simply asking for guidance and waiting patiently. It will find us.
I must exercise my prayers if I want the spiritual security where I can find joy. I will ask for guidance with every activity today.
calebdb8
November 27, 2012
Thought I would mention that I spent six years in a Ph D program before I realized I needed a break from acadamia. I took a job doing physics and engineering stuff and have never gone back to finish. All I have to do is write my thesis but I have never started to write it. Well, OK, I wrote the first page that had my committee members names and my name and something saying that this thesis is partial requirement for the Ph D.
Your field is far different than mine but it never hurts to take a break or just go for the masters. I now have a job, a wife and three kids. I can still find time to loose myself in papers and interesting academic readings but now I always choose academic pursuits outside of physics. For the last two years I have been really into history. European, American Revolution, the early middle ages. It is so interesting for me lately. It is a nice change of pace.
You are making some pretty awesome, positive decisions with a clear head. And they say that it is progress rather than perfection.
🙂
Clair
November 27, 2012
As for a family … fwiw … I was 46, my wife 40, when we had our first child. Yep, we met later in lafe, started a family later. All in all, I’m very happy with it and our child is the most wonderful thing we ever could have imagined. If/when you have a family, it’ll be the right time … whenever that time is. There is something to be said for the maturity … emotional, financial, etc … that comes with being an older parent. You’ll be just fine whenever it happens. You two just talk, discuss, and let life flow.
“Doctor Jennie” already exists. Perhaps without a piece of paper stating it, but she exists.
Now … do something different today. Break a habit or routine. Wear mismatched socks or shoes, wear a shirt backwards, take a different route home. It’ll be good for ya.
Then, when you’re done for the day, go cuddle up to Mr. Man. You’ve both earned it.
Aaron
November 28, 2012
Being scared about the after 30 stuff I think is pretty normal. It’s like “holy shit, I’m 30 and I’m running out of time! I got so much stuff to do!” Well, chill. You’d be amazed what can happen in a few short years. Wait, wasn’t it yesterday you were going on a reality show to promote your porn business? The point is, you’ve got plenty of time and you should know this. You just learned that you don’t have forever. That’s a hard lesson, everything is temporary. You make your plans, you do the best you can do, and most importantly, love your life. Live it, be “there” everyday. Be aware of it, don’t make a plan and then put yourself on autopilot. It’s really easy to work toward some goal that you’ve set for your life and then forget to live it.
travelingb
November 28, 2012
excellent post…. (like fassbinder named his movie…) fear eats the soul, so…. have none.. good luck, it will all figure itself out.
Holli
November 28, 2012
I know that whatever you end up doing with your life you’ll be phenomenal at it, you’ll help people and save people, and you definitely don’t have to have a label to do any of that. I’m sure in a lot of cases it may help get you into some doors you would want to step in to but it’s not necesary. You can do your life’s work with or without it. It’s just a word right?
Holli
November 28, 2012
it might help if my phone could spell NECESSARY!! Ugh 🙂
Sarah T.
November 28, 2012
It’s nice to hear from you again Jennie. What you say always speaks volumes to my life. ❤
foofoo5
November 28, 2012
Unsolicited opinion (with no offense intended): if I intended to leave CA, I would get the MSW over an MFT (might not be fair, but it’s reality), & the corollary is if I intended to stay in CA, I would get the MSW over the MFT. Anybody who can rent a strip mall is granting an MFT in CA. Ditto for Psy.D; same strip mall, triple the tuition. As has been determined by insurance reimbursement by which you will live & breathe – “doctor” is more of a disadvantage than advantage, and social workers are providing the majority of therapy services, not “doctors” (MD or Ph.D.). In fact, it is more likely now that positions are written for “LCSW’s or Licensed Psychologist,” meaning “either, or.” Even though MFT’s outnumber MSW’s 3-1 in CA, many contracts (e.g. govt, military) are exclusive to MSW’s.
Fact of the matter is that the “art” & mechanics of the provision of psychotherapy goes on in supervision, internships, and employment. For the foundation, I always tried to sit at the feet of greatness; you work harder, but the rewards are incomparable.
Side-note: you would be shocked at the excellent national reputation of the Graduate School of Social Work at SDSU. Quality education at state university tuition.
becomingjennie
December 1, 2012
AMAZING COMMENT. Thanks Foofoo, I had been looking into the MSW program out of U Washington, and a few others. I hesitate about staying in California. I am one of the rumored “young people” who contemplate leaving for someplace more affordable. Yes, Seattle is relatively expensive, but there are other benefits that make the cost of living there seem/feel like less (proximity to family etc.). I will check further into the MSW programs. Thanks friend.
Zephyr
November 28, 2012
You are good busy, lest you forget. Thanks for taking the time to check in. It’s a vital part of your recovery.
You might consider having & raising children and going to school as not necessarily mutually exclusive. It’s helpful to remember that you have a family now which you engage with along with the rest of your dreams and responsibilities. Parenting is not an either/or proposition. Realistically, you will need to dedicate some time to the physical and emotional demands of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting regardless of whatever else that you have going on in your life. The best part is that you are nurturing your ability to ask for help, and that will serve you particularly well when you do have a child.
I’m a dude, so my efforts prior to my child’s birth were relatively minor. However, being a parent has been a major effort, and also a major source of joy in my life. My reflection jsut after my child’s birth was, “Becoming a parent isn’t overwhelming, everything else just became underwhelming.”
It’s great to observe your growth. Keep on stretching.
becomingjennie
December 1, 2012
Love this reflection. Thank you Zephyr.
Me
November 28, 2012
Listen to Sadhguru, he has something to say about everything in the most beautiful way. There are plenty of Sadhguru’s videos on youtube to overcome just about anything. His words helped me allot.
HT
November 29, 2012
It sounds like you have the right approach. PhDs are big, scary, life-eating things. Which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply–I’m sure you will totally kick ass!–but it’s really good to be aware of how long they take, and where that puts you afterwards. MA programs, on the other hand, can be just as good, and smaller and nimbler beasts. You might well end up where you need to be after an MA. And if not, with some MA experience you will definitely know whether a PhD is for you and whether you want to keep going (and look great as an applicant). As for the GRE, alas a necessary evil! It really just measures the ability to take the GRE. The Princeton Review guidebooks are really good, as they approach it that way, getting you to think the way the people who put the silly test together do. Anyways, good luck! I’m sure you will do fantastically.
becomingjennie
December 1, 2012
Thanks HT… I will definitely take the GREs if I don’t get in to any of the school I’m applying to this round. I just didn’t have the foresight to take them in time, and the PhD programs weren’t accepting summer graduates. Alas. The way will reveal itself right? Thanks for the post.
muixame
November 29, 2012
Listen to Sadhguru, he has something to say about everything in the most beautiful way. There are plenty of Sadhguru’s videos on youtube to overcome just about anything. His words helped me allot. http://youtu.be/-jagOYDYACg
Diana Dow
November 30, 2012
I didn’t finish professional school until I was 36, didn’t have a baby until I was 38, outlived my first husband and then got two bonus children with my second husband, didn’t get sober until I was 42, at which point my husband spent 3 years in professional school. We all survived and thrived. Trust your higher power, Jennie. You are doing it right, however you do it. Remember to breathe. No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
becomingjennie
December 1, 2012
thank you Diana. Just what I needed to hear this morning. xo
booswain
November 30, 2012
Great. I just started reading your book. It is very well written. Good luck on your graduate search. I have a masters in community counseling and have enjoyed my work. You are an inspiration.
becomingjennie
December 1, 2012
I’m applying to the community counseling program at Seattle University! I would love to hear more about your experience with school and subsequently, the positions for which you found yourself fit.
Eaeme
November 30, 2012
Dear Jennie,
Miss your posts more than I thought possible. Always so damned personally provocative. Decisions! – who hasn’t faced all these decisions? Regret neither The Path Not Taken nor The Path Taken. Love your fate, it is your life!
I’m way, way down the taken path, ain’t got very many more options. To the point: My best decision was to start a family. Dumb pun – “ego” is a misspelling of “egg”. Each of us comes from an egg=cell built by our parents. That single cell contained the instinct to reproduce itself – it doesn’t want to die. It wants to live forever (it is a direct descendant of one of earth’s first cells, many mutations later, how many billion years already?). At least part of itself gets to live on in each child that its resulting adult brings into being. We adults are but the agents of our original cell’s program to distribute some of its chromosomes. Following this instinct makes us feel good even though it can be a hell of a lot of responsibility and work. If everything goes well, having sex leads to grandchildren and we feel even better. Do your dad that ultimate favor, his heart will brim with warmth.
Jacob Isaacs
December 1, 2012
Northwestern is a good college and Chicago is a nice place. Colder than southern CA, but still nice. =) I have friends and acquaintances at DePaul and Elmhurst, but I’ve always heard good things about Northwestern. Is that your first choice or would you prefer Portland State or Seattle to stay on the west coast?
Try not to worry too much about timing. You are right in that, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. Considering what you bring to the table and the potential contribution to the field, I’m sure that you’ll do just fine. Are you thinking of being a research assistant, a teaching assistant, or just take the classes and work on moving forward? When I was a full-time graduate student, those assistantships were welcome ways of cutting costs and being able to live on campus. They can also be the way that you build a social network of supporters and colleagues while in grad school. For some reason, many colleges don’t really do a lot of other things for grad students to help them feel like part of the community.
Anyway, keep breathing, keep moving forward, and keep believing that you’ll be fine. It’s busy and hectic now, but it’ll get better.
Have a great day, Jennie!
Michael D.
December 1, 2012
Hi Jennie.. I just wanted to drop you a brief post. I am relatively new to recovery (I’ll have four months in a few days). I am a very shy person and the whole process of meetings, therapy sessions, and establishing new, healthy friendships with positive people has been a real shock to the system. Even making a post in a blog takes a certain amount of courage for me, haha. Ridiculous, I know. I was introduced to your blog a few weeks ago and I have read through a few of your older entries and felt compelled to post something. It is a real comforting and inspiring feeling to see someone the same age with sort of the same upbringing (parents divorced and my mother is a drinker) and adulthood (I drank my twenties away) become what seems to me a very happy, successful, positive person. Anyways, keep doing what you are doing. Take Care!!!
becomingjennie
December 1, 2012
Not ridiculous at all! Welcome to the world of Recovery Michael, I hope you find a seat here that suits your bottom. 😉
I totally understand it being a shock to the system. The best I can tell you is, don’t be afraid to take suggestions from those who have done the same before us. It is an inspiring line of growth, the lineage of recovery’s suggestions, and it continues to work in each of us willing to work at it.
Welcome to the blog, the rooms, and to the best version of you that you and your HP can create. Don’t leave before the magic.
(And congrats on 4 months! Huge!)
Michael D.
December 1, 2012
Thank you so much for your warm welcome and wonderful advice! Means a lot. All the best!
Kelly
December 1, 2012
Hi Jennie. I just wanted to thank you again for writing your book. It got me thinking about my dads death. I have since made amends with my stepmom who I hadn’t seen in 25 years. It was one of the best days I had in a long time. Turns out that he was a good man and loved my sister and I very much. I am very much at ease with the whole situation now. Feels great.
I was just wondering if I could ask you something that’s been bothering me for awhile. I wish I new someone else in a recovery program cause I would ask them. So when you first started in your program you called your higher power gravity and now I believe you think of it as more of a god. Atleast that’s how it comes across. I was just wondering if you can recover from an addiction without believing in a higher power? I happen to be an atheist and don’t think there is one. You believing is fine, everyone has there own thing. I would just like to think that if I did recover from an addiction that I did it on my own with the help of other humans of course. I do believe in gravity but I don’t think it has anything to do with my life except keeping me on earth. If this is coming across bad I’m sorry. I have always been curious about god and why people believe in it so much. Well I know your really busy so I will go now. Thanks again.
becomingjennie
December 6, 2012
A common phrase you’ll hear in the world of recovery is that you could believe that the doorknob is your higher power, just as long as you pick something that isn’t yourself. The whole thing is about giving up “power,” admitting that we cannot do it, but something greater than us can.
If you believe in gravity, if you believe that gravity is the force keeping your feet planted on the earth, then you believe that something is more powerful than you. That it is a higher power.
I’m not sure what the “reasons” behind believing in God are. There are people who have dedicated their lives to figuring out why, and then there are people who have dedicated their lives to knowing why. For me, I have given up the idea that I know, am, control everything around me. For me, there are rules and laws over which I have no control, natural physics that ensure a “spinning mass of electrons” in such a way that when I reach out my hand, there will be a cold metal doorknob I can turn. I do not make these electrons spin. In fact, I don’t even understand what is making them work like that. But I have faith that when I touch the doorknob, it will be there for me to grasp. I believe that when I flip a light switch, the christmas lights turn on. That when I reach out to someone I love for comfort or condolence, he will be there.
I guess that’s faith. It’s bigger than me. I don’t have to understand it. I just have it. Faith that everything will be, and already is, okay.
Kelly
December 7, 2012
Okay.
Kelly
December 28, 2012
I still don’t get the religious stuff and why you have to believe in a higher power to recover. I have been through a lot in my life, my childhood sucked. All I know is that I am here and I did it all on my own and I’m very proud of that. It is very scary to me to give myself over to something that you just have to believe in (no proof). But totally respect your beliefs and if it works for you in staying sober then I think it’s great!
pdxstarflyer
January 14, 2013
Kelly, I hear your fear. As a recovering addict I also must give my addiction over to my HP. For an addict thre is no other choice. Our best decisions and our own “power” over our lives gave us over to addiction. So, we see that in our own power over that part of our lives we do need something different, better, higher. I can tie my shoes and fly a helicopter just fine on my own, but I need something outside of myself to be more powerful than my addiction. For someone who isn’t an addict it is nearly impossible to understand the powerlessness that addiction brings. I know other athiests in my program who think of the recovery group as their higher power. It is simply a source of strength that lies outside of one’s self.
Kelly
January 21, 2013
Hey. So I used to be addicted to smoking when I was younger. Is smoking as an addiction different than others. I guit cold turkey, it was before all the patches they have now and stuff. I’m not saying it wasn’t really hard and I actually still have dreams about smoking, but I quit. My father-in-law was a major alcoholic when my wife was growing up. He drank a 12 pack of beer every weeknight and more on the weekends. Total drunk. He quit about 10 years ago cold turkey when his wife threatened to leave him. He hasn’t touched a drop since. He never went to any kind of meeting, rehab, or got any therapy. So why can’t people just quit when they get to that point? I’m very confused about this sorry to keep bothering you. I don’t get how someone can just stop and others can’t. I had a really good friend whom I just found out committed suicide because he couldn’t stop using drugs. I’m devistated about this. Why couldn’t he stop and my wife’s father could. Can’t wrap my head around it. Very angry that he didn’t come to me for help. This sucks! I’m so depressed. Sorry didn’t mean to bring you down. Hope all is well with you!
Phil in Cleveland
December 2, 2012
Don’t be afraid. You are not. You do not sound afraid, set your goals and go for it. I need some of your courage. You would be wonderful at helping the addiction population. Browns vs. Raiders still reminds me of Red Right 88, from Jan. 4, 1981 playoff game-the REAL Browns. Take care. Good to hear from you Jennie.
Phil in Cleveland
Epic
December 3, 2012
I think you want to be a PhD because you like learning and you like being smart and you like knowing every single thing you possibly can about subjects that interest you.
Those are all the right reasons to do graduate work, btw.
And no life changes ever happen at neat tidy milestones. You will have a baby when you get pregnant. When are you going to get pregnant? When God wills it. Anything else is magical thinking.
Victor
December 3, 2012
Hello Jennie,
just curious: for the Master course or even PhD, why not to consider going somewhere in Europe? Perhaps it would be easier to get the grades in the UK or even on the continent…
Lucas
December 3, 2012
Jennie,
I just read your book. You are the queen of honesty. The section about your cocaine period made my face go pale. I’m very glad you’re on a positive path. Good luck in grad school and in life.
arghyle
December 3, 2012
thanks
Robert Roach
December 4, 2012
Glad you’re doing so well, Jenny. Followed you religiously for awhile and then had some tragedy in my life so haven’t visited in a while. I had inquired some time ago about your art and now that I have come through my ordeal I would like to pick up where I left off…however, I went to “Jennieisart” where I originally looked at your work and it will not pullup anymore. Could you please send me the website where I can view your art again if it is still for sale. I also bought your book when it first came out through Barnes and Noble and was hoping I could get it signed. I would be happy to pay extra for it. please respond to me at robertroach43@yhoo.com. Thanks, and, again, I’m so happy you’re still doing well.
Hoosier
December 4, 2012
Best wishes and happy holidays to you and yours!
Eric
December 5, 2012
Just finished your book….great read…the last page left a tear in my eye…some for your continued successful journey of finding yourself and sobriety and some how it speaks volumes to me about a former girlfriend ….so many similarities in how she was and still is…..I try to help her as a friend now but I feel im just an enabler….in every sense….showing her that some one cares about her unconditinally but not judging her alcoholism……she has no family or true friends…..seems to wanna hang with low lifes that wanna get fucked and fucked up….which is sad because like u she is a very intelligent girl who speaks five languages and will kick anyones ass in jeopardy and just a sweet person but alas the booze and troubled past with her family let herself keep her down…but it wasnt to late for you and i hop its for her if she wants it…..like dr.drew said….your book is a gift and I have to agree with him…..I know what shes getting for Xmas ….thanks….continued success in life and congrats on all your education advancements….
Rachel
December 10, 2012
That is so awesome you are applying to grad school! It’s good to have plans but don’t let the universe throw you off too much if things are exactly how you planned. If life has taught me anything it’s that I have so little control (my OCD brain still is on a daily struggle to make peace on this). I went back to grad school and finished in my late 30’s. It’s scary starting over again but amazing to do it when you’re more grounded and “mature”. Last year my family “survived” on $9400 total (for the year), we had little to eat at times and my youngest sweet boy became seriously ill and was in the hospital for 17 days. This year I finally have a software engineering job and my family is here with me. Life is crazy and you have so much goodness to give to others. You’re talented, strong and a seeker of truth. You are going to totally rock the grad school world. Peace and Love and Merry Christmas to you Jennie! – Rachel
Bob Kerr
December 29, 2012
You are so rich because you gave so much of yourself to us this year. I daily pray for your contentment and peace of heart.
Warm regards
Bob
becomingjennie
December 30, 2012
Thank you Bob. I am blessed to have been given so much to give. xo
Tana H.
December 11, 2012
Hi Jennie- Congratulations on finishing early and recognizing your inner wisdom trying to get your attention (great dream description btw).
Being a recovering Type A personality/perfectionish myself, I can relate to your concern about trying to fit in career goals and family goals. Society seems to have these rules that it likes to impose upon people and boxes that it thinks everyone should fit into but are people really happy with those rules and being in those boxes? My experience is that the happiest people, and the most satisfied, are those who say the hell with the rules and do what makes them happy and what’s right for them.
I think that’s what your dream was trying to tell you, do what makes you happy and right for you. I think that your willingness to change the plan that you thought you “should” do to the plan that makes the most sense for you shows how healthy you have become and how commited you are to your recovery.
I spent a decade being a stay-at-home mom to four amazing kids with only 1 year of post college work experience because that’s what my cultural/society said I “should” do. I was miserable most of the time and not the best me that I could be. Instead of being addicted to drugs or alchol or sex, I was addicted to my misery and frustration and drove a lot of good friends away because of my self-loathing.
So I made my own big changes and In the fall of 2011, at the age of 40, I started graduate school. Yesterday, 15 months later and at the age of 42, I completed my last finals for my MSW program. My degree will be conferred the end of the month and I will be able to do the kind of work that I have been wanting to do.
While I may not have a decade of employment experience I do have a decade’s worth of real life experience that is much more valuable. I finally feel like my life is my own and not being controlled by my self-doubt and insecurities. It’s a pretty amazing feeling.
I recognize that this was a fairly long post, but our life changes have been running parrell for the last 4 years and your courage to change and face your demons gave me courage to do the same on many occasions. I wanted to let you know that life keeps getting better.
Btw- if you decide to go the MSW route look carefully at the program. I went to a clinical program so I learned most of the things that a masters of psych would (DSM dx, therapy methods, etc) where some other programs are generalist or policy focused. I believe UW is a policy based program.
Best of luck to you.
michael92105
December 15, 2012
Dearest Jennie: Just dropping by to say hello and check in to let you know you are not forgotten. I hope all is well with you and your family, Mr. Man and Saucy.
I have been thinking that this blog may be nearing an end or at least is changing into something, as your energies are being put to good use, I’m sure, in other directions. Where ever you journey, please stay true to your self and your recovery. If we don’t hear from you before Christmas, Merry Christmas.
PS As to reasons for believing in God, all I know is that when I don’t, I feel terrible and when I do, I feel much better. Here’s to feeling better!
Dave
December 16, 2012
Herro Mizz Ketcham. I hope your doing well since posting this lovely update. I just wanted to wish you well and continued awesomeness in life and recovery. You’re doing fabulous
Jim Baldwin
December 21, 2012
Hey Jennie…
I haven’t checked your blog in quite a while, busy with work and trying to finish school and stuff.. Sound familiar? Glad to see that you’re still doing the deal and busting ass to become the Jennie you’re dreaming of. Your book has left and returned to my coffee table at least 4 times in the past 6 months, taking a week leave of absence to a friends house and then returning home to the top of the pile. I usually stuff my face in the living room so it’s safe to say I think of ya at least 5 times a week. I really have no brain cramping words of wisdom today, just a note to say you’re thought of in cold-ass Maine.. Peace and hugs.. xoxo
becomingjennie
December 28, 2012
Love all of this. So glad that you can identify with the school-work struggle. And also feeling very blessed to be in your living room each day and warm up in cold-ass Maine 😉
spoonyoyster
December 24, 2012
Hope the application process is going well, I know it can be a lot to sift through! If you’re considering Seattle, I would encourage you to look into Antioch University also. I’m currently in my second year as an CFT student (what we call the MFT) and am now interning. The clinical training you’re going to get is really expansive and will be much more tailored to look at things from a systems level than a lot of MSW programs. Small class sizes too! Best of luck.
spoonyoyster
December 24, 2012
Hope the application process is going well. If you’re considering Seattle, I would encourage you to check out Antioch University if you haven’t already. Small classes, great instructors who actively do therapy and a systems approach that teaches you to look at things in the big and small picture. I’m in my second year doing internship now and I can’t imagine how differntly I would be as a therapist in training had I taken a more conventional clinical MSW route (no offense to the MSWs). Best of luck with everything.
(My 1st comment didn’t post so hopefully this isn’t a repost)
michael92105
December 24, 2012
Dearest Jennie and family-Merry Christmas to all- without any fear!
So this is Christmas and what have you done,
Another year over, a new one just begun.
And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun,
The near and the dear ones, the old and the young.
A very merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one without any fears.
And so this is Christmas for weak and for strong,
The rich and the poor ones, the road is so long.
And so happy Christmas for black and for white
For the yellow and red ones let’s stop all the fights.
A very merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one without any fear.
And so this is Christmas and what have we done
Another year over, a new one just begun.
And so happy Christmas we hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones, the old and the young.
A very merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one without any fear.
War is over if you want it, war is over now.
H.H.
December 26, 2012
Just found your blog – would love to see more!
Stewart Forgie
December 26, 2012
Just seen a tumblewwed blow by. Where are you Jennie? Hope all is ok with you! Happy holidays girl!
Bob
December 26, 2012
Jennie:
Where are you ?
Kyriakos Gogakis
December 27, 2012
Jennie, a few quick words. I finished your book yesterday, in one sitting. I can’t promise you I’ll do the same with the blog but I’ll get there 🙂
The little tender girl sleeping in her car in the woods at 17 unprotected, that was little Jennie. The girl revisiting the Pasadena Recovery Center on August the 8th 2012; that was grown up Jennie. You came a long way!!!
I have no authority or power to judge neither your life nor your book. However, I do understand, to some level, people and circumstances from my own world, my own perspective. An analogy to your book; as there was an explosion at the beginning and then it cooled down to become the Universe, so there was a young Jennie exploding at the beginning and now she’s cooling down to become her own Universe.
The 8 years in the adult industry I call experience. Most of us take the conventional road of academia and then experience; you did the opposite, no harm in that.
Btw, you should probably rename you blog “I am Jennie” because you became 🙂
K
Pablo
January 8, 2013
Jennie:
You matter and are missed.
Belle
March 5, 2013
I’m not sure exactly why but this website is loading very slow for me. Is anyone else having this problem or is it a problem on my end? I’ll check back
later and see if the problem still exists. Belle
Judy
April 22, 2013
Thank you for truly exposing your Self. Yeah, Jennie’s HP!!!!
Sex addiction
July 20, 2013
Useful information. Lucky me I found your website by accident, and
I am surprised why this coincidence didn’t happened earlier! I bookmarked it.