Winding Down

As we move forward in life and these years wind down, I find myself – perhaps typically – nostalgic and pensive about the present, past and future. The past year has been a roller coaster of life. Births and deaths, triumphs and well… non-triumphs. And all through it I am grateful to have remained sober. However, a mere seventy-six hours from the final day of 2012, I can’t help but wonder, “What the fuck were my plans for this past year? What was on that list? The giant, year to-do list that I made at the beginning of 2012?” Did I accomplish everything? Was every stone overturned in an effort to better myself, my relationships and my world?

Last year I made this list. Years before I made silly and ambiguous resolutions like, “I will lose weight,”  or “I will eat healthy.” To be quite honest, most of my New Year’s resolutions involved me losing weight and looking fabulous. This past year was the first that I made plans. Actual, solid, this is where I want my year to go plans. I put them up on the wall with a collection of beloved pictures, where it would be a constant reminder but not in a pushy or demanding sort of way. I didn’t review it all year, and am only taking it down off the wall now so that I may spend the next three days a) trying to squeeze in any last to-do’s, and b) meditating on what 2013′s to-do list shall be. I’ll write them out here and we can see how 2012 went in terms of plans (yes, I know God laughs at this but…).

ACADEMICS: 

Though I did not get a perfect 4.0 at CSU Northridge, I did manage to maintain a 3.95. Two A-’s aren’t bad

I got a B+ in my UCLA extension statistics course. I was borderline suicidal through it. Never have I worked so hard for a grade. It feels great.

I went to office hours of at least two professors and developed relationships with those professors. In fact, they are both writing me letters of recommendation for grad school.

I did not take any Chemistry courses because I decided against going to med school. Big decision. I feel like it was the right one for me, my relationships, and what I’d like to accomplish in my career.

I did not get a job tutoring at CSUN. (Moving this goal to 2013?)

I did research med schools, and decided not to go. In fact, I researched other schools and decided to pursue my Masters. Sending in applications in these next two weeks…

WORK

I did not work at least 4 hours a week as a psych tutor. Next semester.

I did find an internship in a related field, but it didn’t work out – as much as I tried or wanted to make it work. One of those things where I must trust that it didn’t work for a reason.

I wrote I am Jennie the screenplay.

I wrote the concept for a children’s book and two other projects.

PERSONAL

I was a compassionate and loving girlfriend. (I asked Mr. Man and he said yes!)

I took Saucy on walks, but not 4-5 nights per week. I can improve here.

I did 30 yoga classes in 30 days at my studio. 

I communicated with my mom, brother and sister more.

I Skyped frequently with my dad in Africa, but I couldn’t get my mom and/or dad on weekly sessions.

I didn’t do any volunteer work (aside from the internship that didn’t work out) but I did find ways to be of service.

BIG STUFF

I do not have a NYTimes best-seller, but I did get to contribute to the New York Times, which is just as good. 

No Oprah book club list.

Didn’t sell the screenplay (third rewrite right now so… can’t sell it anyway!)

I didn’t hit my 85k marker for sales, but I did hit 60k, which is like 85k’s younger, more youthful sister.

I did HLN with Dr. Drew for my book.

I didn’t go back on The View.

I didn’t finish my back piece (tattoo).

It’s funny, now in looking at my goals and accomplishments, what I considered “Big stuff.” Upon review, the Big Stuff wasn’t really that big… it was the smaller, more subtle things that made my year.

Communicating more with my family. Building those relationships.

Being a good woman to a good man. 

Being the best I can be, academically, professionally, and personally.

Accomplishing what was within my power, letting go of that which was not. “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”

What an incredible year. Thank you all for being a part of it, for being part of my sobriety, part of my life, part of my recovery and part of my heart. Stay safe out there, wherever you are. Stay close, and take care of those you love. 

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Tagged: amends, awake, beauty, Books, i am jennie, identity, life, love, memories, Plans, recovery, writing, yesterday

Posted in: Beautiful Days, Game Plan and Progress, Recovery Days, Totally Awesome Days