The beauty of an angry man

Posted on May 9, 2009


This is a first. An angry comment from an angry man. That is fine. I’ve said my serenity prayer and isn’t my job to decide how he feels about me. I can only take his words as they are. Information passed from one human being to another. Thank you for your input, I am aware of your feelings and respect them as your own. Now, onto the rest of my day, the beauty of it and the complicated simplicity of life. But first, the story and clarification, because life deserves moments of clarity.
Today I received my first angry comment, from a man upset in his realization I am not quitting porn entirely, nor am I denouncing or condemning it. I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it…I would not be here, at this transformational period in my life, if it were not for Porn. I would not have the circle of friends, nor would I have people reading this and caring if it were not for porn. He is upset that I will still be directing and upset with the launch of my website (which has taken me years to launch), and he cried out “and some of us felt sorry for you!!!”
Have I said anything on this open space asking for pity? Showing any sign other than the one hoping for support? Have I said anything along the lines of “poor me”? Because I do not feel as though that is the case. I think i’ve been entirely accountable for my actions, both in the adult industry and my addictive behavior, and the last thing I want is pity. Especially that of a man who only feels pity for me because somehow being a pornstar has made me a lesser human being, one that the societal masses should feel sorry for. “poor me, I’ve choose to be a camera whore and now that I no longer wish to perform and suck dick in front if millions, I regret my whole life. Please feel sorry for me because I feel sorry for myself.” this statement will never fall from my lips because it is not true. I’ve made my bed, and instead of sleeping in it, I am simply going to change the sheets.
I think I am being realistic about the slow progression toward normalcy, whatever that may be. first I quit performing in films so I may have more time to pursue other interests, like art, and school, and comedy. Then once I’ve adjusted to that income I make another adjustment. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me finally opening my website. I have hours upon hours of content, and it doesn’t make sense for me to throw it all away. Something i’ve put so much time and effort in should make me some money, especially if it eases the transition phase that I am in right now. Besides, it’s great fucking content and I think Penny Flames fans will enjoy it, her last hurrah. The final go. And I am proud of my character. Of Penny. I’m going to update the site with new content, content that has been in the making for the past 3 years, and when I’m out of unpublished things, members will still have access to the vivid library, as my site will be at it’s climax. And I am being open and honest about this, that’s why we won’t be rebilling customers. I think it’s fair.
A large reason of why women fail at leaving the adult industry is because having become accustomed to a certain style of living, it’s hard to go make $7/hour, virtually impossible. The same happens in divorces, and that is why courts made alimony. Directing is my alimony. The website is my alimony. There are no severances packages in porn, no 401K to fall back in once the $1000 days stop. And yes I’ve saved money, but not enough for the rest of the year. I am not going to run my savings dry and feel helpless and broke. I have an exit plan, new goals, and this is all part of it. Quitting porn is like quitting heroin. If you are not prepared, you will become violently ill and wish for death. Or you will go back on heroin. I am not going to be performing anymore, and I am going to ensure this by providing myself with a passive income I know is possible and feel I deserve. I will be going back to school, I will get a film degree and I will take acting classes, but all these things take money. I will have art gallery showings and sell my work, but I can’t do this without a realistic exit plan. A MO. This is my mission and to captain angry, I am sorry you misunderstood my plan. Hopefully this clears some things up for you.
On another note, Jill said I have to take a day off. A day to be lazy and unproductive. Every day since I’ve been released upon the world, I’ve filled my time with busy work. From 7am-10pm, I’ve planned my days to the point where life has not been allowed to happen on it’s own terms. The control freak in me wants every moment to be filled with activity so there is no time for thought, no space for reflection. So I ran away with Louie and Mark to Laguna, for a day of tacos and soft sandy beaches. Which is where I am right now. Listening to my beach blanket neighbors Sade tracks, the laughs of nearly graduated high school kids playing volley ball, and the constant crash of the pacific ocean, my proof of gravity, and reminder that this all is just another day and moment in my incredibly full and beautiful life.

Posted in: Beautiful Days