This is a first. An angry comment from an angry man. That is fine. I’ve said my serenity prayer and isn’t my job to decide how he feels about me. I can only take his words as they are. Information passed from one human being to another. Thank you for your input, I am aware of your feelings and respect them as your own. Now, onto the rest of my day, the beauty of it and the complicated simplicity of life. But first, the story and clarification, because life deserves moments of clarity.
Today I received my first angry comment, from a man upset in his realization I am not quitting porn entirely, nor am I denouncing or condemning it. I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it…I would not be here, at this transformational period in my life, if it were not for Porn. I would not have the circle of friends, nor would I have people reading this and caring if it were not for porn. He is upset that I will still be directing and upset with the launch of my website (which has taken me years to launch), and he cried out “and some of us felt sorry for you!!!”
Have I said anything on this open space asking for pity? Showing any sign other than the one hoping for support? Have I said anything along the lines of “poor me”? Because I do not feel as though that is the case. I think i’ve been entirely accountable for my actions, both in the adult industry and my addictive behavior, and the last thing I want is pity. Especially that of a man who only feels pity for me because somehow being a pornstar has made me a lesser human being, one that the societal masses should feel sorry for. “poor me, I’ve choose to be a camera whore and now that I no longer wish to perform and suck dick in front if millions, I regret my whole life. Please feel sorry for me because I feel sorry for myself.” this statement will never fall from my lips because it is not true. I’ve made my bed, and instead of sleeping in it, I am simply going to change the sheets.
I think I am being realistic about the slow progression toward normalcy, whatever that may be. first I quit performing in films so I may have more time to pursue other interests, like art, and school, and comedy. Then once I’ve adjusted to that income I make another adjustment. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me finally opening my website. I have hours upon hours of content, and it doesn’t make sense for me to throw it all away. Something i’ve put so much time and effort in should make me some money, especially if it eases the transition phase that I am in right now. Besides, it’s great fucking content and I think Penny Flames fans will enjoy it, her last hurrah. The final go. And I am proud of my character. Of Penny. I’m going to update the site with new content, content that has been in the making for the past 3 years, and when I’m out of unpublished things, members will still have access to the vivid library, as my site will be at it’s climax. And I am being open and honest about this, that’s why we won’t be rebilling customers. I think it’s fair.
A large reason of why women fail at leaving the adult industry is because having become accustomed to a certain style of living, it’s hard to go make $7/hour, virtually impossible. The same happens in divorces, and that is why courts made alimony. Directing is my alimony. The website is my alimony. There are no severances packages in porn, no 401K to fall back in once the $1000 days stop. And yes I’ve saved money, but not enough for the rest of the year. I am not going to run my savings dry and feel helpless and broke. I have an exit plan, new goals, and this is all part of it. Quitting porn is like quitting heroin. If you are not prepared, you will become violently ill and wish for death. Or you will go back on heroin. I am not going to be performing anymore, and I am going to ensure this by providing myself with a passive income I know is possible and feel I deserve. I will be going back to school, I will get a film degree and I will take acting classes, but all these things take money. I will have art gallery showings and sell my work, but I can’t do this without a realistic exit plan. A MO. This is my mission and to captain angry man.com, I am sorry you misunderstood my plan. Hopefully this clears some things up for you.
On another note, Jill said I have to take a day off. A day to be lazy and unproductive. Every day since I’ve been released upon the world, I’ve filled my time with busy work. From 7am-10pm, I’ve planned my days to the point where life has not been allowed to happen on it’s own terms. The control freak in me wants every moment to be filled with activity so there is no time for thought, no space for reflection. So I ran away with Louie and Mark to Laguna, for a day of tacos and soft sandy beaches. Which is where I am right now. Listening to my beach blanket neighbors Sade tracks, the laughs of nearly graduated high school kids playing volley ball, and the constant crash of the pacific ocean, my proof of gravity, and reminder that this all is just another day and moment in my incredibly full and beautiful life.
The beauty of an angry man
Posted on May 9, 2009
Posted in: Beautiful Days
Becoming Jennie 
boo
May 10, 2009
Jennie,
One angry man does not a world make.
You don’t have to feel bad about not wanting to run your savings dry. That’s just flat-out bullshit. Direct, if you want, to bring income in. That’s a logical transitional phase.
You will never please everyone on this planet. At some point (maybe this point), you have to choose what will work best for your situation. Not everyone will be pleased. That’s life. Someone is always disgruntled.
In the end, though, you need to make your life work for you. The person posting negative vibes doesn’t care, really. In the universe where you didn’t please him/her, did they please you?
Life is all about choices. Not everyone will agree with what you choose to do. But, that’s about them and not about you. Only you can choose what’s right for you in any given hour of the day.
Live the life you want, Jennie. It’s short. It’s full of chaos. But, life is the best entertainment you’ll ever find.
Ben
May 10, 2009
To quote Lenny Bruce: “Let me tell you the truth. The truth is, what IS. And what should be is a fantasy, a terrible lie, that was given to the people long ago.”
You are who you are. I can’t tell you how blown away I am by your blog. You are an incredible inspiration to me. Keep focused on what you know to be important and let the other shit fall where it may.
Sending you positive thoughts. Bless you.
TLR
May 10, 2009
Question for you Jen,
Is directing porn like being a bartender whose an alcoholic? Isn’t Temptation more prevalent by being so close? Like oh todays girl no showed so I will just stand in instead of wasting the shoot?
Just curios how you plan to handle it?
aloha,
TLR
Vlad
May 10, 2009
Jennie,
An excellent response all together. I really like the alimony analogy. It makes perfect sense to look at it that way in a business that
most people misunderstand in that they think
it is run like regular Hollywood. By and large,
there are NO residuals for performers, no percentages of sales for the performers, nothing but the initial contract and most definitely no 401K or health packages.
I am glad that you looking to a future beyond the here and now. You had mentioned it during your trip to France in an earlier posting and have now put it into action.
BTW, hope all the dog poop comments didn’t go unnoticed in your focusing on the one comment.
Take care and please keep writing.
boyblind442
May 10, 2009
jennie-i wish u would contact me i need to talk to u.
Rich
May 10, 2009
Jenny,
You sound awesome and you are doing the right things. You are absolutely right that we cannot control what other people think of us. Part of finding Jenny is to become comfortable with yourself on your own terms. I know that I spent years letting other people tell me who I was. Once I got sober it took me quite a while to break that habit, but I did. I am really enjoying reading your blog! You have a wonderful way about you and are an excellent writer! Have a great day…
Madhead
May 10, 2009
Jennie
No offense but if you wanted to get out of orn all together it is possible. Their are Restaurants everyday hiring waitresses that make $11.00 an hour. I have not been successful getting a job myself but if you feel that porn is like heroin then I think you should definitely get out of it altogether, I do not have a job but am starting a business and if you need a place to live you can live with me rent free. No Sex In Return. Also you can work for me as a representive of my company. It has nothing to do with the adult industry. Anyway Jennie I have wrote to you on facebook three times how come you don’t respond back. I would love to get a letter from you.
Anyway I am sorry I had to be heavy handed but I am just telling you what a strong person would do. Anyway I still love you and yes I want you so bad.
Your love slave
Madhead
SamCookie
May 10, 2009
Speaking as one who has 19 years recovery from a different addiction, I wish you all the best in your recovery, Jennie. From your writing, I think you are off to an excellent start. Always, always, one day at a time!
Robert
May 10, 2009
Wikipedia is a temporal black hole, what starts with a completely unrelated search leads to 30 minutes of intrigued reading and clicking on article links which eventually got me here.
I spent the past hour reading your blog from first entry to this most recent entry. I really like your writing style; it is a genuine gift to be able to take swirling thoughts, emotions, and ideas and give them life, even through such canvasas as a text editor on WordPress. I have often tried my hand at blogging but am usually met with frustration when I can’t communicate in a way others will connect to. You’ve mentioned that one difficulty of your new transition is finding your voice–I can assure you that your voice comes through with great clarity and honesty, and it is encouraging and inspiring to see someone with the courage to make such significant changes in their life.
Looking up at the top of the blog, the sunset and the three photos, I don’t see a mask, a persona, I see Jennie. And you know what? You look happy, you look free. People with a mask carry the weight of that burden and it drags them down in to the ground, it sits heavy on their faces. Their eyes look blank and empty. They look, but they don’t see, there is an invisible wall in front of their eyes. Their smiles are empty, there is no light in their face. I know masks all too well because I often wear them undetected with great skill. It is an unhappy talent, akin more to a curse than a blessing. Sometimes I would avoid a mirror because I did not feel I was looking at myself. I don’t know if any of that resonates with you, but what I do know is that the face in those 3 pictures up top, the smile, the eyes, they belong to Jennie. They are you.
And you are not insignificant. Your voice does matter. It is evident from reading your blog entries that you are very intelligent. You, just who you are, are “worth it” — you’re worth people caring about you, you’re worth people’s time, you’re worth your friends being there for you when you need it, you’re worth being there for them when they need it. Don’t ever let yourself believe that you’re not worth it. Recovery, no matter from what that recovery may be, is a difficult road, and there will be many opportunities to let yourself believe that you somehow are not worthy of a good life, a healthy and truly loving relationship, of unconditional friendship, but you are worth it.
It is sometimes harder to be yourself than to put on a mask… masks can keep out the pain and the heartbreak. But they also rob you of joy, of happiness, of any emotion that makes life worth living. You are Jennie, and you are living with your mask off — and that is a beautiful thing.
Walker
May 10, 2009
You sure may not be asking for pity, but these comments sure must (potentially) be a huge ego boost. Do you need 500 comments with people repeating how wonderful you are, in every single freakin blog. I mean, its getting redundant, comeon…
I’m just bitter that I never got anywhere near this amount of help or attention- which I will shamefully admit, bitterness is not a good quality to have. I guess I’m somewhat of a bad person. Nothing against you of course, just your daily commenteers. I will end on a note by concurring with everyone else that you are an indeed a beautiful writer, and I wish you well 🙂 Also, like someone pointed out in one of your previous blogs, its great how you are taking a path towards who YOU want to be, not what others want you to be.
/W
JMan
May 10, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your journey thus far, in your transition to live a ‘normal life’ (whatever that may be!).
I am an Australian, and a huge fan of your work as Penny. I was shocked to find out a few days ago of the choice you have made, but by no means upset. You are a physically beautiful woman, and from the enjoyment of reading your blog, you are obviously very intelligent and boy do you have a way with words – like others have said, you are a fantastic writer.
If you ever thought of writing a book on your experiences of a woman trying to exit the porn industry, and ‘kicking the habit’ of being a sex addict, about love, life, drugs, and inner demons then I think it would be a fantastic success. You writing has a brutal honesty that comes accross as very wise, and you draw the reader in with some sort of innocence that I think is very rare nowadays.
You have experinced so much in your life at such a young age – I am 26, and I can’t possibly fathom the life experiences you have had. I feel a sense of inspiration when I read your words, sort of that feeling when you hear of people conquering life against the odds. It is just a breath of fresh air in an otherwise mundane day.
I commend you for making the decision for life change within yourself – and being a strong enough person to seek help when you have felt you needed it, and then further committing yourself entirely to keeping on track, and doing what needs to be done to get to the place you want to be at.
You are such an interesting, and amazing woman – I look forward to reading more of your blog in the future, and I wish you all the best for your new life ahead. You deserve it Jennie, and you are an inspiring young woman. Don’t ever change the Jennie that you are deep inside, the day that you do would be a sad day indeed.
bret
May 10, 2009
What’s a societal?
Mike P.
May 10, 2009
Hi Jennie,
It’s a good thing that you are not allowing the anger of one person to bring you down. Many times people will lash out the way you describe this guy doing in an effort to make themselves feel better at the expense of others.
It’s an incredibly brave thing you are doing now, making a huge life altering change! And the fact that you have made a plan to make sure that you can afford the things to make yourself better (going back to school is always a GOOD thing!) should make even the most jaded people proud of you. I’ve been a fan of Penny for a long time and now I’m happy to say I am a fan of Jennie as well. I’m not a praying kind of person but I do believe that if people take the time to keep others in their thoughts then some sort of positive energy will go to that person. You will be in my thoughts as you start this new journey.
I grew up the son of an alcoholic and sex addict so I know some of the demons you face right now. It’s not an easy journey you take now but it’s one I think you will make and come away from an even stronger person than you were when you started, and you seem pretty darn strong to take the first step.
Good luck and know that not everyone is so much a butt munch as the guy you mentioned!
Mike P.
Ingrid Nevin
May 10, 2009
That man sounds angry because he can’t control you.
Because you are who you are and not whom he wants you to be. Women who have found good things in the sex industry/promiscuity/sexual liberation/etc. and who, while acknowledging complexity, won’t deny those good things are dangerous to his world view.
Unfortunately, that man is not alone, and you most likely will have people like that again. So screw them. You are intelligent, self-aware, and you know exactly what you are doing. You don’t have to justify your actions to them – because they don’t care about the real you anyway and they will simply take any chance to make you feel guilty.
Good luck!
Epipleptic
May 10, 2009
I see shades of the serenity prayer in the larger exit strategy. Changing the things that you need to change: substance dependency, your relationship to sex, how you treat your body. Not trying to change the things you can’t for the time being: your income source, people’s judgments.
The notion of being reduced to a $7 hourly wage, however, don’t let that rule your fears about ultimately leaving porn for good. Stay clean and keep looking for an acceptable exit, a lot of English grads make less, but most people as bright as you don’t have to worry about money quite so much. Taking some internships that don’t pay while you can, might give you a chance to do something you love.
I won’t say “I believe in you” because I don’t know you (and christ, your life seems way more than I’d want to experience in knowing you these days), but I will say that I sincerely believe you can do it. Magic 8 ball: all signs point to “she’s capable”.
Epipleptic
May 10, 2009
(Incidentally, sex-positive feminist parasite Ingrid Nevins bug the fuck out of me. If you want to see someone who gets angry because they can’t control you, look no further than a 2nd wave radical feminist. Robotic thinkers who see nothing but a power struggle between men and women at all times deserve their hateful worldviews.)
Ade
May 10, 2009
Well! Ain’t he just the douchbag?!
Keep on keepin’ on, Jennie. I know it can be pretty scary to find yourself in a new and unpredictable life – I’ve just started one myself. I’m trying not to think of it as a series of now-closed doors, more as a series of open ones (if only I can find them). Sounds like you already know where the doors are – all you have to do is have the courage to walk through them, not knowing what’s on the other side. As someone once said: “Be bolder – you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.”
Davo
May 10, 2009
Howdy,
First of all, just because you call someone something, does not make it so – nobody is “angry” here, and my previous comment was a natural reaction to what sounded like an obvious cave-in to your addiction/plight. Yes, it seens significant to me that you would stay within the same environment which got you to this point in the first place, but it’s also astounding that only a month into your revovery you still do not realize how manipulated you’ve been in the first place, $1000/day or not – it is this very thing, ‘easy money’ that you are obviously having the hardest thing coming to terms with. You are just chasing the dragon if you believe continuing to surround yourself with porn, porn-people, porn boyfriends, porn money, porn-parties, porn alchohol and porn drugs will not cause a relapse.
Look Jennie, life isn’t always ‘easy’, and you’ve managed fucking-around (no pun) for some 8-years.. You’re intelligent and if you’d only invested your time with an education, or legitamate career, or even made a bonafied attempt in the legitimate arts, you would have been in a more advantageous place in your life right now, not to mention not having to gird your loins, or think twice when someone asks what your name is. Think less about what people think (ie: this blog thread), and focus on what you should already KNOW.
For the record, the only reason I stumbled upon your blog/situation was a friend shared something about the upcoming Vh1 ‘thing’ and one thing led to another, so here I am.
– I am not an addict, yet I’ve had too many friends lose themselves to their addictions by lying to themselves and everyone around them, therapists included.
And to clarify for you before you react to the wrong portion of my sentiment again, I am not here to criticize, belittle, vent anger or preach the holy word to you – I am merely pointing out your contradictions, especially since you have an apparent audience of legitimate recovering addicts reading this forum.
And just curious –
Do you still consider smoking mariuana “not” part of your recovery? What does Dr. Drew say about your pot-smoking..!?
davey
May 10, 2009
Congratulations Jenni, you are my new favorite celebrity.
I enjoyed you as a porn star not only because you’re physically beautiful, but you seemed to have such a strong, wildly unique personality with a sharp sense of humor. I’m not a huge fan of pornography, I like porn, but I like a lot of things, porn is probably about number 37 …. if I was making a list of things I liked.
Sharing your thoughts on some complex life issues is more interesting to me than porn. The videos you’ve done are awesome, you’ve totally made your mark in the art of porn, but to find out you are capable of progressing in such different directions is impressive.
I’m sorry to hear you don’t think your new life will have the same financial pay-offs. If it makes you feel any better, I’m more impressed by your courage to try something new than I would be if you had 10 million of your American dollars.
Best of luck, Pennie was awesome, but Jennie is so much better than I could have imagined.
rebecca
May 10, 2009
Hi,
I think you are so great and will succeed in your transition. It must be hard to make such a huge change. Sometimes all it takes is an intention and a will to succeed with victory on your own terms, not everyone elses ideas of what you should do. Only you know your life and how you truly feel, and the experiences that made you say it’s time to change. I’m sure things will turn out for the better and you will soar! We all choose our own paths in life and sometimes they lead us to a road where we know it’s time to go a different way. It’s all about health and prosperity nothing else outside of us, these things are all temporary and fade with meaninglessness. You are forever inside and be kind and honest with yourself with the gift of life. Have patience and i know you will be rewarded beautiful lady!
xoxoxoxox
Madhead
May 10, 2009
I head you had two pitbulls theirs a listing on the Talent on Craigslsit seeking Pitbull owners for a show. here is the link. may not work after a few days due to flagging. but here it is.
8thand5th@gmail.com
xneon
May 10, 2009
Hello Jennie
My question is: are there any possible ways to read notes from your past life? I myself am having very similar problems and would like to try following your way, but I need myhotmess.com back (too bad I didn’t save it earlier, well, I simply didn’t think this art of work is going to disappear…).
tom
May 10, 2009
So someone who doesn’t live your life and pay your bills is not pleased with a choice you are making for yourself? Really? Shocker!
You can make some of the people happy some of the time but you can’t make all of the people all of the time.
I commend you. You are a smart woman making decisions and living your life. You showed a lot of good thinking by not being bummed or bothered by his stinking thinking.
Peace and love,
Tom
OV
May 11, 2009
Jennie i think you handled your first of many critics with well thought out reply’s. to davo, who amazingly feels compelled to reply again, you should do some research into the legitimacy of porn as you describe in your above post. according to Internet pornography statistics, Internet Filter Review (2006) worldwide porn revenues in 2006 were US$97.06 billion, i’d say that makes it legitimate. jennie started on the groundfloor and is now taking a much deserved promotion to directing. good for her and i can’t wait to see the results. consider reading another blog in the meantime davo this one doesn’t seem to be your speed.
Liam
May 11, 2009
Hello,
Angry people just don’t like themselves, so they lash out at others. Very often, they see the success of others and it magnifies their own shortcomings.
Keep the faith!
Peace.
Johnny
May 11, 2009
Jennie,it’s me again,Johnny. Alot of my friends think I’m giving up MMA because I’m afraid of losing 1 fight and I tells them that’s not true and working out and training almost everyday is hard sometime. My trainer and teacher,Alex Gracie is originally from Brazil. He’ve moved here to the US 10 years to gets away from everything and he haven’t see his in almost 10 years and he refused to go back there. I even try to talk to him about it going back there and he stills say no. Don’t worry about what some guy said to u about leaving porn and I think what u r doing is a good idea and I hoped u do success no matter what some asshole said to u. I think u should write a book about ur times in being in the porn business. Liked me,I write in a diary about all the times I’ve stay cleaned from drugs and alcohol for 4 years.
Jo Col
May 11, 2009
I would love to see your comedy. As differnt as your life has been, you gota have a ton of material to pull from.
Boop
May 11, 2009
Hi Jennie keep on trucking. I’m not sure if you were writing your blogs on myhotmess as Jennie or Penny. Its great that you are thinking beyond the biz and taking care of yourself, you are, no one else is. That is braver and stronger than tons of people out there. Can’t wait to see the realized and finalized YOU.
boyblind442
May 11, 2009
not sure what to think.
Richard
May 11, 2009
Jennie,
Congratulations and good luck. As a child of two addicts, the changes you are making in your life will be the toughest and most gratifying you will ever experience. But, you will find out who your true friends are, and they will love you more than you could possible imagine.
Welcome back to Jennie.
Mike D
May 11, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Pity got bad PR during the last 50-odd years, but before that it was thought a perfectly good emotion.
You’re right though, someone whinging about unsolicited pity not being reciprocated is out of order.
Be careful though. You said, “I think i’ve been entirely accountable for my actions, both in the adult industry and my addictive behavior”
Being “accountable” and being “addicted” are oposites that cancel each other out. You can either be accountable, or addicted, not both at the same time, since the whole point of addiction is that it short circuits the rational part of us that makes us “accountable” for our actions.
Also, are the “adult industry” part of your “addictive behaviour”, or somnething separate from it? Your April posts suggest the former, your May ones that latter.
My point here isn’t that everything you write has to be logically consistent as if it were a legal or scientific document, just that you’re aware of the drift. Beyond that, it’s your life. . . .
You use heroin as a metaphor for the porn industry:
“Quitting porn is like quitting heroin. If you are not prepared, you will become violently ill and wish for death. Or you will go back on heroin.”
So then working in porn is an addiction, right? Either that, or heroin’s not addictive. I don’t make this point to be a smart arse, just to offer you something different than all those “Jennie you’re so wonderful. . .please let me into your knickers” posts. You say “I forgot my real name” after 8 years in porn. I’m not sure how useful those posts are in helping you rediscover yourself.
You’re right, Cold Turkey hurts. In another post I mentioned my late friend who had the street persona of “Chantelle”, she had a serious H habit, and used crack so she could perform, on the streets.
She had a morbid fear of going CT, partly becuse of the pain, but also because of the fear of what lay beyond, and the humiliation of what went with it, 48 hours of cramps, incontinence, fever and paranioa (she was living with her Mum while all this was going on).
But she should have CTed. If she had, she’d probably still be alive now. One of my bitterest regrets was that at that time I wasn’t together enough to be there for her and help her CT. All it would have taken was someone with the experience and the maturity to see her through it.
So back to your mataphor, if quitting porn is CT, perhaps directiing &ct as a “transition” is Methadone, which is also supposed to lead to a transition between a strung out and a straight life.
Let me tell you, it don’t work. Either the transition goes on forever and what you have is a Methadone life rather than a Scag one, or you end up selling your prescription Methadone for H. I’m not sure how much of that applied to quitting porn, but as an extention of your metaphor it’s worth thinking about.
Twice in my life I’ve totally let go of things that I put a huge amount of effort into. One was my involvement in a very nihilistic, antisocial, violent and self-destructive youth subculture circa 1978-83. I had got quite a name for myself in the playing in bands, writing fanzines, etc. And quite a few of the people I knew went on to get fame, money, &ct (and a few others died).
The other was a religious conversion (Islam) that I put years of effort into, 1988-93, but which I wasn’t right for me.
In both cases, leaving these things behind was a difficult any painful choice, involving the loss of all manner of things, including friends and opportunities of one sort or another.
In both cases the break was total, CT-style. In both cases, I’ve never regreted leving these things for a moment.
Did I leave these things because I was sure they were objectively “wrong”, or because subjectively something inside me told me to back off. I’m not sure, a bit of both, probably. Perhaps its a nonsense question, like “how many miles in an hour?”, or “is red square?”
Now, I can reclaim these on my own things in riting and other ways as my past and the narrative of the unique life I’ve lived, without shame, embarassment, regret or whatever, or without worrying what people might say or think.
But I can only do this because of the complete break I made.
I don’t know how much sense any of this makes to you, or how relevent it is to your situation, but it’s something to think about.
G be with you.
Bill
May 11, 2009
Good Morning Jennie,
Frankly, the solitary “angry man” reply you’ve received doesn’t amaze me as much as some of the others — the ones that offer a kind of back-handed encouragement. Like, “Wow. That’s too bad. I really liked Penny Flame. But I’m happy for you now. Can I still watch Penny Flame movies?” Or the guy who directed the Blazed and Confused series and who hopes you still support his movies and his cause — NORML.
The fact that people encourage you to overcome your addictions and be a healthy, happy person isn’t what surprises me. I think that’s the norm. I think people are predisposed to reach out and help someone in need.
No, what surprises me are the posts from people with their own selfish interests at heart. The people who aren’t as happy to see you become Jennie as they are sad to see you stop being Penny.
I don’t know why that bothers me. But it does.
I understand fully why you need support and help — and why you intend to use porn as your 401(k) until you can get financially secure. Not to belittle a point. But that’s what Shelley Lubben does. Her organization has helped many people leave porn. And it does so by understanding such people need financial alternatives, a means of support. Granted, she’s more into Gravity than you are. But the logic is the same — quitting cold turkey is tough. Especially living in California. The cost of living is very high there.
I think, in time, you’ll leave porn altogether. I think it’s going to get to you, perhaps in a different way. For now, however, you have to do what you have to do.
I wish I could put my finger on what it is about you that stands out. It may be your ability to write (as I mentioned in your first couple of posts). You have a talent, one not many have. But it may be that your ability to write is a “symptom” of something deeper. Like, a keen, creative mind that has the raw material to succeed. I don’t know. But I can tell something is there, some spark of magic that I think you can tap into.
Don’t worry too much about the “angry” people. It’s good to understand everyone’s viewpoint. But you can’t live your life concerned about them. Take the wisdom. Leave behind the stuff that doesn’t apply to you.
In the end, only you are responsible for you.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Cheers,
Bill
Jeff Russell
May 11, 2009
I guess some people stand out as being “special” no matter what they do. Your performances as Penny, well, they’ve been enjoyed by millons. But what made Penny so special was the person within. Reading your blogs gives an insight into the person behind the mask, and that person could do anything she wants to do. Personally I won’t miss Penny because through reading your words I prefer you! The Jennie within. We’ve never met and sadly we never will. I was born in Penny Lane in Liverpool, which I believe is half of your creations name, not that that matters in any way. The Angry Man, so what, who cares! The people who really love you will support you no matter what you do. Personally I wish you all the luck in your chosen path, but special people don’t need luck, they just Do It. Best wishes. Jeff x
Davy
May 11, 2009
Hi Jennie.
It seems that some people are so unhappy with themselves that they desperately need to make others unhappy too. Makes them feel normal or something.
For what it’s worth, it is possible to come through recovery from sexual addiction and alcohol addiction and end up in a normal, loving relationship. It takes work, it takes patience, it takes other people, and it takes time. One day at a time, one hour, one minute…
From one who knows,
Davy
alexia
May 11, 2009
I love that everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing right now. Funny isn’t it??
Although, the dog crating thing is really good advice I must admit.
Listen folks, directing is a whole other world from performing and let me tell you that if a girl flakes there will be at least 50 other girls ready to do the scene, and plenty of their agents ready and waiting to book them!
Also it takes time to transition out of the p. world. You don’t just quit! You have bills to pay and financial obligations to organize and directing is a great way to help that.
Jenny has always been a smart and creative woman. She was always different from the rest and someone I always felt ‘got it,’ as in the bigger picture, the universal truth, whatever you may call it. Plus, she’s a fellow Buddhist, I think still?
One thing my buddhist practice taught me was that ‘Buddhism isn’t there to make your problems go away, its there to help you transform them’
Ragamuffin
May 11, 2009
I’m sorry to hear that someone lashed out at you. As a Christian, I’d love to hear that you’re making a complete break from the porn industry too because I think ultimately it would be the best thing for you, even if it would make things tough for a time. But the steps you’ve taken so far are good ones and I rejoice in those. Take care and know you’re in many people’s prayers and thoughts despite the less than charitable reactions of some.
tightlockup
May 11, 2009
There will always be haters.
Mom
May 27, 2009
I’m proud of you baby…..m
buy_vigrxplus
July 16, 2009
Pretty cool post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
that I have really liked reading your blog posts. Anyway
I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!
John
July 17, 2009
Unfuckingbelievable….i care about you, ok? Ya, run your site, get laid by your so-called “friends” who were NEVER there for you…I had a feeling all along about your so-called ‘reirement’ from drugs, drink, and cock….i first saw u in SWANK back in ’99, u had an unsure look about you but once those fucking sleazebags got their hooks into you, you were ‘done’…
And no, you may have not asked for pity, but you got it by the truckload. You ‘did’ ask people to pray for you (gee, isnt that a form of pity, “honey”?).
So, does Shelley Lubben know about your not fully quitting porn? NO?! She should you ungrateful cunt! And i know for a fact that just because a person gives up boozing and floozing, it doesnt make her a better person….
Enjoy your dogs and cigarettes….you sure spun a tale of nothing but BS…
You are fucking Pathetic..
christalball
August 16, 2009
Jennie…. hella props to you!!!! i look forward to seeing what happens in your “incredibly full and beautiful life [you are kicking so much ass!]”:^)
elle
November 23, 2009
i just started reading this blog today so am a little behind the curve but i would like you to know that i find you to be so inspirational.
‘I’ve made my bed, and instead of sleeping in it, I am simply going to change the sheets.’
that line has made my day, and i will remember it and write it on my mirror and use it to help me through the shit days.
jennie, i think you are an incredible person. thank you for making me laugh and most importantly for being a role model for change and strength when there are so few legitimately strong women out there to look up to.
Alice
December 6, 2009
First, you’re going to get a LOT of comments on older entries from me since I just discovered your blog.
Second, this angry man is a fucking moron. Did you clear the choice with your therapist? have you given the choice the amount of consideration it needs? Is this the bestice you can make right now?
You’re the only one who can answer these questions. And angry guy needs to get over his bullshit. This is your recovery. You have the tools (Therapist, ychiatrist) to do this recovery properly. And pornography is not illegal; its not liek you’ve taken up drug dealing to support your recovery from crack. If anything, a director in the industry who knows the sort of people that tend to end up in the industry (and by that I mean people who have been abused; no insult is intended) will be better at protecting the actors and not exploiting them.
Obviously this person is confusing your career in porn with your addiction; while it no doubt fed it, it isn’t the cause, its the result.
Finally, as a director, you don’t have to participate in the film. You DIRECT it. Not everyone is Woody Allen or Hitchcock.
Commenting months after the kerfuffle,
Alice
Stephanie
December 21, 2009
Jennie,
“I’ve made my bed, and instead of sleeping in it, I am simply going to change the sheets.”
I really, really love that statement. I’ve been dealing with some issues in my life that could be related to yours and that statement really made me reflect and feel momentarily better about my life and situation. Thank you and good luck with your own situation.
Stephanie
CB
December 24, 2009
You owe “Angy Man” nothing.
You are a classier lady than a lot of society. You are being held accountable for your actions, and not expecting a handout or to be felt sorry for.
On the issue of directing/selling content you already made…I applaud you. Is there any reason you shouldn’t? You spent hours (or years) creating the content as “Penny”. If this will allow you to become Jennie, then by all means do it.
It seems “Angry Man” is angry at the purchasers of your content. Penny created the content, Jennie is the smart businesswoman utilizing the content as a mean to a new life.
The content is already created. You’d be a fool to not cash in on the annuity.
robert roach
February 19, 2010
Jennie, I must admit I am a male who has purchased many of your videos and you were my favorite. I also must admit I’m glad to hear you’re rising to a higher calling…yourself. You’re right…there’s nothing wrong with what you did, but it’s time to aspire to more. I’ll be following your progress. Your insights are refreshing. Good luck!! I’m sure you’ll do great.