I’ve forgotten twice now, in the short time involved with my sponsor, to call her. She says I must call every day for the next 6 months, and in a weeks time, two days have passed where I didn’t make the call. Both days I remembered, but by that time it was so late, I didn’t want to disturb her family, the loving husband and two boys who have school in the morning. So both nights I text her, apologizing. The first time, the day after the first time, I received a text back saying I must commit and call every day. Last nights text received no response, and when I just went to call her now, the cell phone is off and no answer on the home line. All signs point away, and I had already been feeling perhaps she isn’t the right woman for me.
I never told her I’m a recovering pornstar. The sex and love addiction yes, pornstar no. And I also told her I just got out of celebrity rehab, but I don’t think it quite registered what exactly the show is, or even that it’s a show. In fact, after a meeting last week where I ran into one of the producers, she gave me a puzzled look when I introduced her to him, and informed her that he was one of the producers who watched over my 3 weeks of rehabilitation. She merely replied with a confused nod and that was that. Maybe she thought I’d open up on my own time, but I never felt like I could tell her my story, a fear of not being accepted getting in the way of me being open and honest with her, and allowing her to decide what she thinks about me. I do this quite often, the whole trying to play gravity and one up myself by picking and choosing the parts of me for sharing so that I leave the impression I want. Jill says this is manipulation, anything that involves the phrase “so that” is manipulation, and there is good manipulation and bad.
Here is an example of good manipulation: I take saucy out for a walk 15 minutes after she eats SO THAT she is ready to take a crap as soon as we hit the curb (which has solved my previous problem)
Here is an example of bad manipulation: I am in the soap area at ralphs and I tell the cute guy next to me “I’ll wash you with ivory if you wash me with dove” SO THAT even though I don’t want to take him out and fuck him, he still goes home thinking about me washing him down with ivory soap. Jill calls this one upping, and says it’s a power and control thing. Because I feel powerless in certain situations and it makes me uncomfortable, I play the sex card because I think that is all I have going for me. Sad huh? Yeah, it kinda hit home….
Anyway, I’ve held back on the honesty thing with my sponsor so that she wouldn’t think poorly of me. But I’m starting to realize that is bad manipulation and it isn’t my job to make her think anything about me. My only job is to be honest, and the rest us up to her.
I’ve been thinking about finding a new sponsor anyway because even though my current one is a lovely woman, I feel funny around her, like we come from such different places, but supposedly that is all part of the addiction, thinking we are different, which causes us to isolate. In any case, I attended a meeting tonight and really related to the guest speaker. To her story, her attitude, the way she can laugh at her mistakes and still learn from them. She had a presence in front if the room, and didn’t loose her cool, even when she told us about some really fucked up shit. I got her number and am going to call her after my meeting with Jill tomorrow, and already my phone feels heavy.
She was funny when I approached her. Duncan gave me a hand and said “Jennie is looking for a new sponsor!!!” I blushed and she said “well I sponsor, you can call me anytime. Even if you don’t want me to sponsor you and you just want to talk about crazy shit. Even if you wanna call and hang up, I kinda like that. Shit, you can even stalk me a little, that’s cool too..,” and it made me laugh. It made me excited to call her, but I still have such a huge issue asking for help, let alone for someone to listen. The things we are afraid of huh?
So I came home tonight to call my current sponsor and let her know my plan, that Im going to start talking to this new woman about possibly sponsoring me, but that painting in the kitchen was just sitting there unfinished. I know I haven’t touched it in months, but I really felt like I could get a start on it. An then I saw it’s 9pm and thought, better call soon. But first I should wash all my brushes, even the clean ones just to make sure. Okay, 10pm, just pick up the thousand pound phone and make the call. So I did. And guess what happened?
Twice it said call failed. Okay, gravity is gonna make me work for it. Let’s restart the phone.
Third call, her cell is off, I really don’t want to disturb her on the homeline but she said before 10:30 is okay and it’s 10:15. I call. And?
Nothing but the answering machine.
I suppose it’s fair that she is unavailable, especially since I’ve made myself unavailable after asking her to help me. I’ll call her first thing tomorrow, and then I’ll call the other woman, and see if she wants to get a cup of coffee.