Today is a beautiful day

Posted on May 12, 2009

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I awoke at 6:39am and attempted to make it to the 7:30 meeting off Robertson, but me being me, and never allowing enough time, I was on my way when deciding i’d rather hit up a 2:30 meeting that I won’t be walking in to late. I know I know, cop out, didn’t really wanna do AA before 8am, but that’s the way my morning began and I won’t lie about it here.
You are right when you say my fear of intimacy will interfere with my sponsorship, my fear of intimacy has interfered with everything in my life this far, why shouldn’t it do the same here? But there are some questions I need answered and I suppose I am the only one that can really answer them. Like why am I so afraid to be close to someone? Why do I push away the people that care about me? And why do I keep repeating this ugly cycle.
These answers can only come in time. I feel as if I try to spew out some psycho babble nonsense in effort to provide immediate answers, the ultimate cure, that too will be a cop out. But as far as the sponsor thing goes, a few things remain universal truths, and it’s these truths that make me feel as though a new woman, this new woman to be specific, is the right way to go.
In as far as complete and brutal honesty, there are some people you feel comfortable telling the whole truth, and some you don’t. There have always been people in my life I’ve told the truth. Bleeze is one of these people, Duncan has proved to be one of these people, Fran, my accountant at LA Direct is one as well. There is only one thing that makes me comfortable in revealing myself, and that is a non reactive response to any horror story I may tell them. Either no reaction or laughter, I respond well to both responses. But quizical looks or hesitation scare me. Allow my addict mind to insert listeners thought here. “she paused, she must hate me.” and I know this thinking is nutso, but it is the way my own mind has processed things, and I’m only beginning to try change.
In any case, I will call sponsor one and apologize for not following through and for fucking up, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel comfortable telling her everything. Maybe it’s because she has two boys and in my
Mind I am the LAST woman a mother would want to sponsor. Maybe it’s because she is a stay at home mom and that is not a job I could ever imagine myself in, so I can’t relate. Or maybe it’s because my last three attempts at contacting her went unanswered, and I’ve always thought third times a charm. Whatever the case may be, I don’t feel comfortable with her. And in the meeting where my new sponsor spoke, the male speaker before her said “if youdont jive with your sponsor don’t be afraid to change. You have to be with someone you feel comfortable in sharing your story.” and I didn’t feel comfortable in sharing. Plain and simple.
I spoke with the new woman yesterday, I’d heard her story, laughter arising from a fucked up life, and this is someone I feel good speaking with. She told me to call her every day even if it’s just to say I’ve pissed my pants and am humiliated. I laughed. She is a director, and has come from the deepest darkest depths, she rose from the streets to be a happy successful woman, and more than a few of her lines of thinking resonated with my own. Like her inability to ask for help. I have the most terrible time asking anyone for help. Even my parents. I can be flat broke and still buy someone lunch. This is bad, and I need to learn how to put my pride aside and say I need help. Which is what this whole blog is about. Me reaching out for help, even if it is in a non directed sort of way.
So I’m meeting her for coffee or a meeting tomorrow, will call her today after my noon therapy session, and we will move forward from here. But first I must call the old sponsor and thank her for her attempt at helping me, and let her know my plan.

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Posted in: Beautiful Days