Why hello there….

Posted on May 14, 2009


Yes, I know, I’ve missed a day in writing. And I’ll tell you why, even though you may or may not care.

I’ve decided to write a book, inspired by the many comments here saying I should do so. And in the past 24 hours, I’ve been collecting my thoughts, trying to figure out what it is that I do have to say, and how it would be best to say it all. I like Mike D’s comment best:

What I think you’d be good at writing would be real confessional literature. An intimate biography of the heart, if you like, self-revelation, and exploration of your motivation, struggles, the root of your addictions, your healing, and so forth.

I think he is 100% right when he says that the “confessions of a pornstar” has been done, over and over, and although it would be a great book, it would not withstand the tests of time. Beautifully said by the way Mike, I appreciate what you’re words, your advice, and agree. I think I will try my hand at something a little more lasting than just a pornstar confession. I will go with the human confession, as we are all human, and it is upon this fundamental truth that we all relate. So, that is where I have been, for the past 24-36 and now that a decision has been made, it is time to move forward.

Speaking of moving forward, I went to therapy yesterday with Dr. Karim, and he had asked me to keep a log of my sexualized conversation, so that we may track patterns, and figure out when, where and what it is exactly that I am sexualizing. I came to him with a log of conversations, recorded over a 48 hour period, and we had a good laugh at the things that came from my mouth. I’ve even decided to use some of this conversation for the stand up comedy show I’m co-hosting with Sam Tripoli at the Improv on the 21st. make sure to hit it up, it will be very Naughty, and you can witness the work I’ve been attempting to do in therapy.

Once we read over all the comments, Karim said “Now its time to move forward. Lets start asking the question Why? after each time you sexualize a conversation.” Okay, I can do that. Easy. It’s easy to ask why. It isn’t really easy to answer such a question, but I suppose answering any question comes only after asking the question. So Why. Why do I feel the burning desire to say “That’s what she said” after every comment, be it sexual or nonsexual, what is the motivation behind my need to sexualize every situation I find myself in? Is it because I am one-upping myself and its all about power and control? Am I really just trying to be funny? Do I think the only funny material I have revolves around making dirty jokes? Again, questions that will be answered in time, and every conversation I have is a step toward that answer.

Speaking of conversations that help me move to an answer, an angry comment almost had me in a whirl, but after some sound advice, I realize that to give more than a single thought to such lunacy would be far too much. Duncan said it best:

If you walk by a crazy person yelling on the street, do you sit and engage with him as he screams nonsense at you? Or do you keep walking?

And the obvious answer is I keep walking. But I will give it this. Tim is not the kind of person I would introduce to my mother either, so it looks like he and I will get along just fine.

We finally got the internet set up at our new apartment building, and thankfully I can start writing blogs from my computer again, instead of my iphone, which is where I had written the last three. So I apologize for any grammatical errors that pissed you off. Pardon my thumbs if you will.

Today is a big nothing day, nothing to do, no therapy, no place to go except a late night meeting, and my kitchen for some fun arts and crafts. I also plan on starting the book today, another therapeutic devise to help move me forward in this big game. I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life, the people who have always been there for me, and the ones who on a daily basis are proving to have my best interests at heart. I am a very fortunate little girl, and every morning that the sun comes up, my life feels warmer and warmer.

Posted in: Days