Sharing, Laughing, and Humping

Posted on May 20, 2009

19


What a busy and meeting filled day. I’ll start at the beginning, and when I get to where I am sitting on my couch writing this, I will stop. But as per my usual habit, I doubt anything in between the beginning and this present moment will happen just as it occurred, and as per your responses, I don’t think that you will mind. 

The day started off very early, 6am in California, with the submarine sounding alarm waking me quickly out of slumber. Saucy was her usual saucy self this morning, and didn’t feel like taking a poo upon demand, which is quite understandable because I can very rarely poo on demand either. So no harm no foul. I said a quick serenity prayer before heading off to a 7:30am SAA meeting, the serenity prayer regarding her poo issues and my lack of control over them, and my courage to clean up poo upon my return home. Fortunately this was not the case today, and gravity on my side decided not to push down on those little doggy intestines of hers. Thanks big G. 

Again, the meeting is filled entirely with men. At first this intimidated me, to a large scale, because as easy as it is for Penny Flame to walk into a room filled with men that love porn, it is equally as difficult for me, Jennie, to walk in there with my head held high. I had been needing to share, been feeling the twinge from my subconscious to open up in front of all these wonderful men who are confident enough in the safety of the room to share their deepest darkest secrets. I have been feeling as though because I am currently in the position of representing all women with my mere presence, it is my responsibility to own up to the way I am feeling, and suppose it isn’t really for the sake of representing all women, but more for representing my self. My own very self, the self that desperately needs to have my ideals and moral values challenged by these very men before me. 

Finally, there was a brief pause between shares, and I jumped in.

Hi. I’m Jennie, and I’m a sex addict. (hey jennie). Sorry for being late, and missing the speaker, I wish…well, what I wish doesn’t matter because I wish I didn’t need to be in here. But the reality is that I do need to be here, and I need to share where I am at. I’ve been trying very hard not to objectify all people that cross my path. Men, women, anything that walks upright on two legs, I do not discriminate when objectifying. I do it equally and unbiased. But I need to stop. I’ve become very aware of my doing this because my psychiatrist has requested that I log all my sexualized conversations in a little book. By the way, I’m in intensive therapy sessions, an insane outpatient program, and have realized just how much conversation I sexualize. I should carry around a voice recorder because I’m spending all day writing, and have yet to find a solution to avoid doing what I am doing. I simply shut up. and I can’t go on for the rest of my life not speaking, that just isn’t realistic. So I need to get to a point where I don’t feel it’s okay to treat people like sex objects, and in order to do this I need to see people as people. I don’t know whether I do it because I’m trying to be funny, or trying to one up myself, or think that’s all I have to bring to the table, but I’m noticing trends, and I don’t want to be part of this trend anymore. I’m tired of it, especially tired of writing about it. I just had to tell someone, because I’ve said it out loud, but never to a room full of people I would normally objectify. So thank you all. For making it difficult to objectify you.  

After the meeting, the response shook me to the core. At least 8 men came up to me and said how much courage it took to say what I did, to even be in the room, and I found myself in tears. I had to leave the meeting quickly because I was afraid of letting these strong honest men see me cry. And I was afraid to cry. So i sat outside of the meeting hall and tried to focus on my breathing. And then even more men came up to me saying congratulations, and thank you for the share, and I knew saying things out loud would take the power out of the obsession, but I never thought it would be empowering. Which is a totally different feeling than power, which is what I am used to wanting from men. A small step in the right direction. 

Then it was off to the new publicist, a lovely girl, who is going to help me get appearances, lecture tours, and yes, that literary agent I so desperately need. We sat and laughed over cups of coffee at Urth, laughing at the pleasure of residing on Earth, and saw Queen Latifa walk into the cafe, grab some food, and leave. Every head in the joint turned her way as she walked in, and then again when she walked out. I couldn’t help but feel the same thing will happen to Duncan and me whenever we go there after the show airs, something I’m not quite looking forward to because my addict mind immediately thinks “They are looking at me because I am a sex addict.” not because I am a human. I struggle with self worth more than I am willing to go into here, and that is the kind of topic that will take writing a book to delve into. Which is full circle, back to the publicist. 

Back home to see if Saucerton Dogsworth shit all over the humble abode, and being the good puppy I knew she was, nope, not a single poop to pick up. I took her outside, she went right away, then back inside because I have yet another meeting to hit. This one with a talent agent, some lovely women that will hopefully help me get some mainstream work. We shall see, nothing is for sure, well except of course that some things are just not in my control. 

After Saucy’s shit, and some laughs with the ladies, it was in for a quick writing session inspired by the meeting with the publicist and Duncan, and then off to meet Sam Tripoli to talk comedy. He said that he had read my blog, and a few of the comments frightened him. He said I will have excellent security and needn’t worry about a thing. He also asked me what my kind of guy is, to which I replied, “Funny Armenian dudes that treat me to Baja Fresh for lunch and eat all my salsa.” I think I may have to put Tripoli into my inner circle. Funny fuckers always get me first. And Sammy T is the funniest. I’m so stoked for the Naughty Show. Finally a place where I won’t have to log my sexualization of conversation. Already ran it by the shrink too. He thinks its a good thing. 

After Sammy T its off to said shrink, where we chat about what I shared in the morning meeting, and I confessed that I felt guilty for being a pornstar in a room full of men addicted to porn. He brought up an interesting point. 

You created and produced porn because you have a sex addiction. You isolate, numb and cut yourself off from others via porn, you just happen to be in front of the camera. Porn addicts isolate, numb, and cut themselves off from others via porn as well. They just aren’t in front of the camera.

And the notion that it is the exact same struggle being dealt with from all sides shines a brief moment of clarity to my brain in his already sunny Beverly Hills office, and I don’t feel so bad about my past participation. And my earlier statement isn’t’ to say I regret doing porn, but I feel empathy because something that I have made a career out of has caused a ton of people serious problems, and that reinforces my desire to not return to the skin flicks. 

Back to the house for a little self reflection and mental masturbation. That’s right I said it. mental masturbation. I’ve started to take the whole book writing thing seriously, and upon advice of Mr. Stephen King, have decided to force myself to sit down and write for at least two hours a day. Something must come of it. Even if it is just words on a page. An entire book begins with one single word. 

I was supposed to meet up with my sponsor around 8, but her day was busy busy busy and she had to reschedule for tomorrow. So I hit an AA meeting near my home, and like usual, I heard exactly what I needed to hear. The main speaker talked about how alcoholism shows it face in everything she does, and sometimes it bubbles up in different forms. Unless actively working the 12 steps, we are bound for relapse, and to drink is to die. And I’m not ready to die, well I mean I would if I had no choice, but this is a death that I have a choice in, as it is of my own creation. It is my drinking that will kill me, and I have a choice not to drink. So today, day 44, I have chosen not to drink. And I feel good about it. Damn good. 

Which brings me to this present moment right here. On my couch, watching Saucy and the Big Dog have a blast being funny pit bulls, taking turns biting heads and necks and pinning, and humping, yes Big Dog is a girl but has been hanging out with Duncan and Lil Dog too much so she’s taken to humping for fun, and Suacy, just lets her hump away. The things we cannot change. 

Gravity, please help me to have the courage to change the things I can.

Saucy and the Big Dog

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Posted in: Good Days