Ten minutes before the meeting begins, and of course I will share what I went through yesterday, although it may not be the appropriate place to discuss the sex stuff, I will share parts of that. When I said yesterday that my alcoholism is an effect of my sex addiction, I wasn’t rationalizing my next drink. If you have bronchitis, part of getting over it is getting rid of the cough. Coughing is a symptom as alcoholism is a symptom of my bigger problem. I can’t and won’t drink because it will quickly lead me back into dangerous territory, but the alcohol, like the cocaine and marijuana, is merely a symptom of the disease. One to be dealt with head on, with intense recovery programs and 12 tedious steps, but it is part of dealing with my sex addiction, which is an attachment issue and intimacy problem. This does not mean I’m saying “I’m not an alcoholic” but it does mean I am saying “I’m a sex and love addict, and furthermore, I am an alcoholic.”
I’ve shared in my SAA group this morning, with Jilly Beans at my 11am session, will at the meeting about to start, and the meeting I will be attending tonight, but the first two places are the only places I feel comfortable disclosing the entire truth. Not because I’m ashamed of my other and more intensely progressed addiction, but because I am afraid they will scoff at the idea of sex addiction being at the core of my problems, and most the time I find in AA, people only want to talk about alcohol, cunning, baffling, and the center of the AA universe.
I shared in the meeting during the 1 minute burning desire. I was very concise:
“The other night I chose to meet some recovery friends at a club, which turned out to be more of a bar. Instead of the large group of people in recovery that I expected to be present, I found 4 recovering alcoholics sitting at the bar. When I sat down, and looked all my ex-boyfriends in the eye, Johnny, Jim, Jack and Jose, I found that this is not a place I’d like to be and left. The bigger problem started the next day when I went on to sexualize and objectify everything that got in my path. I can say no to drink, with the help of a Higher Power, but what I’m really struggling with is something far more complicated, and the lines of sobriety surrounding my core issue are constantly blurred and changing. I just needed to call myself out on it to take the power away from my thoughts, and say I took no further action than what occurred in my head. Well, except to call it out here.”
A girl came up to me after the meeting and said she, after 3 years of sobriety, found herself doing the same thing. I laughed and asked how many fucking anonymous programs we must be in to quiet the demons. She said as many as it takes.
I called my sponsor after the meeting, and told her the course of the past 48 hours, and she told me I am being too hard on myself. That the first step was walking out of the bar and realizing I don’t need to test myself to prove I can do it, to prove I can not drink. She told me to pat myself on the back for participating in some self care and asked what else I did to counteract my behavior. I told her I went to another meeting, where I objectified the spider girl with 6 legs, and then went for a hike, where I sexualized mountains and clouds into the shape of breasts and cocks. She laughed and told me that acknowledging the behavior is the first step in stopping it. She said I’m on the right path, and I should go easy on my heart, my head. That what I’m attempting to do is change my entire outlook on life, and that the old me would have acted out on the woman with 6 legs, or the tits bouncing down the mountain, and that because I didn’t, because I simply thought about it, and called myself out on it, progress has been made, and I can rest easy knowing I’m doing a good job.
This actually did make me feel better.
We just went for another hike, and I almost didn’t go. Almost chose to sit in my home writing and eating ice cream, but Saucy gave me that sweet puppy dog look and I knew I had to get my ass up that mountain and face the pairs of tits that may be bouncing down my way. Fortunately, every person that I would like to objectify went to the beach today, to tan their lovely bodies, and all that was left on the mountain were mothers pushing baby strollers (a little hard to go there….), people dedicated to losing weight, and Me, Duncan, and E-Deezy, my new buddy also from a program. Because we had nobody to objectify, we instead chose to make fun of people as they passed, and their dogs of course. Perhaps this is no better than objectifying them, but at least we acknowledged that they are human beings instead of the human doings whatever we desire. The amount of people that freak out over Saucy trying to play with their dogs is unbelievable. At least two different dogs tried to start shit with Sauce and Sauce thought it was all a game, tail wagging, growling and lunging back in play mode, and the owners of the other dogs freaked out. The irony is that if their dog did attack Sauce, and Sauce defended herself, Saucy would get all the blame because she is a pit, and no mind would be paid to the headless dog that started a fight with mine. Because that’s what will happen. And what’s even funnier is the women who get in the middle and pick their tiny dogs up and away from Saucy sniffing their butts. If i had a tiny dog and it’s butt was getting sniffed by a much larger dog, I wouldn’t put my face down in a place where it can get bitten off. You don’t get in the middle of dogs, they work it out however they do, and if both are well trained there shouldn’t be any problem.
Big Dog got her face bitten by some stupid menacing dog that kept trying to fight with Saucy, and Big Dog to the rescue took some teeth to the face. Next thing we know the owner is yelling at us that our dogs are dangerous. Saucy and Big Dog’s tails wagged the whole time, both playing, while this other dog was just plain vicious. But what are you gonna do right? Take you well behaved pitbulls right on up the mountain, and pray for the owner of some small random dog that that lady’s mean biting monster will get to next.
Where am I going with this? Oh yes. I did very good today. I had a fairly large breakthrough in therapy with Jill, partially because of the content of the SAA meeting this morning, and partially because some paperwork that I’ve been filling out to compliment the EMDR sessions. I can’t wait to get started. Just gotta finish the handouts.
Off to dinner now, then to a meeting, then a little more writing, and bed. Nothing to do tomorrow but chill. Which for the first time, in a long time, I’m actually anticipating with a smile.