Cheers

Posted on May 26, 2009

17


Something about today’s afternoon meeting put me in the right mood. Even though I drove there, and normally walk because the time before and after lets me pump up and cool down, the honest shares within the confining space of four small walls can be heavy, even though I have been feeling as though I can’t fully open up at AA meetings, due to the fact that it only addresses half of my issue, and the half addressed is a symptom of the bigger problem, and even though I ended up sitting with people’s butts in my face because there was standing room only and I was there early enough to snag a chair, I felt good upon walking in the doors, drinking my coffee and listening to the shares. Today’s meeting didn’t offer the solutions it claims to do, as a solution meeting, but I didn’t care. I was just happy. 

 

Making your way in the world today 
Takes everything you’ve got; 
Taking a break from all your worries 
Sure would help a lot. 
Wouldn’t you like to get away? 

 

My dad called me today to ask if I still intended on taking my brother on a cruise when he graduates marine boot camp. Not quite in the position of financial security I once was, I felt a little uncomfortable in committing to anything. Thankfully, he had done some research and saw that there are no cruises leaving or arriving at the right time, and so I  became free of the obligation I had set myself up for, and said I will take him someplace better during a half week of his 30 days off/year. I should have just manned up and stopped trying to people please, or father please as it would be, and told him that I’m not financially capable of doing as I had hoped. He would have understood. Thankfully, he is pretty good with knowing my current financial position, and probably saw himself. Which is why he gave me an out. 

All those night when you’ve got no lights, 
The check is in the mail; 
And your little angel 
Hung the cat up by it’s tail; 
And your third fiance didn’t show; 

I’ve started to connect to gravity, to the higher power the program speaks of, although I still refuse to call it god. Perhaps Buddha. Or Nature. In any case, I’ve started to try to give my power over to something more powerful than myself, even if it is the wind, the air, the sky, or the constant noise outside my windows. I think this is a product of my nightly coffin ritual, and morning gratitude for the ability to wake up and seize the day. Every night before I slip into sleep, I say a little prayer (but not like Dionne) that in my rest, my sanity may be restored, that the things out of my control may be controlled, and the constant chatter in my head may be quiet. I also add, as a PS of sorts, how thankful I am for this and every day I am given, and that if this is my last time going to sleep, I am grateful for the moment. For now.

Sometimes you want to go 
Where everybody knows your name, 
And they’re always glad you came; 
You want to be where you can see, 
Our troubles are all the same; 
You want to be where everybody knows your name. 

And in the morning, when I am lucky enough to open my eyes again, I snuggle Saucy in close, and close them, for just a few minutes. I thank Buddha, gravity, the wind and the noise for it’s presence, and for allowing me to open my eyes. I thank them all for the chance to experience another day in my right mind. I give my power away, and ask that I may notice the small miracles that happen throughout my day. And I roll out of bed. I put the kettle on, go potty, and make my coffee in the french press as I wash my face and brush my teeth. I check comments on this blog and laugh at the responses, cry with the kind words, and puff on the first cigarette of the day. Gotta quit these little fuckers, but not today. They say it isn’t good to quit within the first year. And with quitting drinking, drugging, compulsive sexing, and my job, cigarettes just may be the straw that break this camels back.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee’s dead; 
The morning’s looking bright; 
And your shrink ran off to Europe, 
And didn’t even write; 
And your husband wants to be a girl; 

Jilly Beans makes me do some affirmations each time we have a session, and I’m always quick to overlook the one affirmation that she wants me to say. I overlook it, skip it entirely, and she makes me go back and say it, begrudgingly, I do. “I am lovable.” It’s with this statement that we may start our session, and I get to let out all the nonsense of the day, we go over my workbook, and I try to make sense of my newly found sobriety, both regarding drink and sex. I don’t feel comfortable masturbating yet because I know I can’t do it in a healthy way. If I allow myself that one little pleasure right now, it will be no more than 24 hours before I’m sitting on the couch for five hour stretches, not picking up the phone, and isolating in my new humble abode. They say within the first year of sobriety, it’s not a good idea to become romantically involved. This is because our newly sober minds change like the tide, and the qualities we look for in mates come and go with the pull of the moon. Once again, gravity coming into play, looks like I will be spending the next year single. That’s fine. I’ve always laughed when people asked me if I’m married. My response? “I can barely commit to something to wear for the day, let alone a man or woman for the rest of my life. Pah. Fucking married. Trippin.” 

Be glad there’s one place in the world 
Where everybody knows your name, 
And they’re always glad you came; 
You want to go where people know, 
People are all the same; 
You want to go where everybody knows your name. 

I have such an insane amount of support, not only from this blog, but from the people around me, and it never ceases to amaze me that these people all support me as Jennie. I still can’t get over the fact that that is in fact my name. And people know it. From the meetings to the media, I get to be who I am, and I’m getting to know what I stand for. I made the mistake of reading some stupid thing on the internet the other day, and Duncan reprimanded me, saying “Never read things about yourself if you don’t want to care.” He’s right. I will be doing no more Penny or Jennie research, and will leave that to the people writing about me. I know what I’m doing, and even when I don’t, I know things are going to be okay. They may not go my way, but then again, I’m not quite sure what my way is yet, so I can’t expect for things to go my way when in actuality, there is no particularly set way. There is the way I am currently going, with destinations that are nothing more than glimpses of hope filled dreams, that may or may not turn into reality. I’ve got to get over my ego. It’s holding me down. And I’m tired of it.

Where everybody knows your name, 
And they’re always glad you came; 
Where everybody knows your name, 
And they’re always glad you came…

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Posted in: Good Days