It was a seemingly innocent question that almost sent me into a rage at the counter while purchasing Saucerton’s new dog food and Sensei’s kitty food this morning in Studio City. A question that’s asked a million times throughout our days, and I’ve always wondered how many people are actually honest in the response, knowing how often I hold back my own brutally honest thoughts. I was pissed off for a number of reasons, I’ll go through all of them. The guy at Petco almost hit his face into my fist, all for asking three little words. I’ll tell you what I said in my head, and then what I said with my voice. And you can decide whether or not I made the right decision. He asked me….
How’s your day?
The answer in my head:
“How’s my day? How’s my fucking day???? Well, lets see. I was up at 6am so I could make it to an early SAA meeting where I am the only woman among fifty men and usually I’m fine with this but it really made me angry this morning because I’ve had at least three other chicks come up to me this week saying how they’d like to go but then of course never come through so I went alone, because I NEED to go. I talked about how I can’t pray on my knees because it makes me feel like I’m getting ready to suck dick and so I pretend that I’m in my coffin every night before I go to sleep because you never fucking know if you won’t wake up, and you never know what will happen when you do, so every night before I go to bed I say thanks because it could be the last time I willfully close my eyes. And then each morning when they spring open to a new sober day without sex or drugs or booze or ANYTHING to numb the feelings of hopelessness and desperation I feel at EVERY GIVEN MOMENT of the day I say thanks to the great law of physics that makes it so this bag of fucking dog food doesn’t float away into space. Then I went home and found a certified note waiting for me in the mailbox sent with love from the IRS because oh, by the way, if you are a responsible person and file to pay your taxes and then fuck up a little bit with you financial planning, they will hunt you down and take everything you’ve spent the past 8 years on your back to earn. So after I spent an hour and a half on hold listening to the Nutcracker Ballet, I finally got through to someone who said they don’t care if I’ve just gotten out of rehab or if I’m unemployed and they’d like their money in full in the next 10 days because SOMEONE has to contribute to that 30.1 billion that GM needs to stay afloat and god for fucking bid I don’t try to stay afloat too, but I’m not an American legend and I know I shouldn’t be bitter but if I had 5 extra thousand dollars I wouldn’t mind just giving it over but I don’t, I’m nervous that I’m going to be eating my fucking dogs food within two months.
And if you really want to know how my day went, lets talk about boundaries, and the fact that I never EVER learned to have any. So that when I go to AA meetings and people ask me what my substance of choice is I feel compelled to be honest and tell them SEX, sex and dick are my drugs of choice, and that makes me feel terrible about myself so I drink to numb that pain, and then I have to drink to numb the embarrassment I feel for acting like a fool the night before, and then I drink again to numb the fact that I have to drink to feel numb because I can’t handle my own fucking emotions and there are points in the day where I’m filled with so much self-loathing and shame that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, and it’s not because I sucked dick for a living it’s because I LOVED sucking dick for a living because THAT was a numbing device for me too, and now I’m fucking dry and clean and sober and I have feelings and I HATE feeling them because I don’t understand what they are, what they mean, or where they come from. So I tell these fucking people that I’m a sex addict because I AM, and I am not ashamed of that. But then other people tell me that it’s possible I’ll fuck up their recovery so I need to keep shit to myself, and I say “it’s not like they aren’t gonna fucking see it on VH1 anyway, I can’t start keeping secrets now it’s part of my fundamentally dysfunctional mind and how am I supposed to make progress in one program if I have to keep the other program a secret?” only to be late for therapy, so late I can’t even go because it’s not fucking worth it so I came here to buy my dog some food and try to forget all this shit I just told you and YOU had to ask me how my fucking day is. How is my fucking day. Well I’ll tell you how my fucking day is. IT SUCKS BALLS. BIG HAIRY FUCKING BALLS. And I can’t even do that so ring up my fucking purchase and let me haul this shit out to the car. And NO, I don’t need any fucking help, I’m a big girl and can carry my own pet’s food. So thank you, and fuck off. How’s my fucking day.”
And my actual reply?
“Not bad, how about yours?”
Becoming Jennie 
notfar
June 1, 2009
Hi Jennie,
You made it through a very trying day and you did not drink and did not go out and fuck someone. That is great and you should be very proud of yourself. You made choices during the day that were good for Jennie and at a time when choosing to do good for Jennie is not as easy as it has been the other times. Some of your days are going to be easier than this day and some of them are going to be harder. You took one more step in a direction that is good for Jennie. Today you showed Jennie that you love her by not drinking and not having sex. Even though the circumstances of your day sucked you had a really great day in terms of moving on your new path. That is awesome and I am really excited and happy for you.
The IRS nailed me too, for much more and I have much less. When I got the letter, I felt very sick to my stomach and felt dread. I felt mad at myself for getting myself in that situation to begin with. But the IRS problem is a solvable problem. You do not have to pay it all at once, you can pay it off on a payment schedule. If you call you can set it up and then it is not so overwhelming. It sucks but it is something that you can solve and that you can handle.
You may have to begin ask some harder questions about how much importance you place in Becoming Jennie. I feel like there is a big elephant in the room regarding your recovery. You have a nice place and a nice car and live a pretty good lifestyle right now, but that is due to porn and porn was destroying Jennie. At some point you are going to have to make some very hard choices, and those choices are going to be about what is worth more to you. Is Jennie worth more? Or is the Mercedes and nice place to live and nice lifestyle worth more?
Porn gave you two things. It gave you numbness and it gave you money. In the past couple months, you have started to lose some of the numbness and are dealing with your feelings. But along with losing some of the numbness, you may also wind up not having the same amount of money you are used to. You like nice things… were you into porn for the numbness or more for the money?
You said you are finding your voice. It is going to be a really tough quest.
‘And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep?’
night night, jennie. good job today.
J
June 2, 2009
Dear Jennie,
I read an article today talking about how politicians have been buying themselves Lexus Hybrids, flat screen TVs, high end laptops, $84,000 worth of calendars (WTF?) on top of all these corporate bailouts and I was just thinking “wouldn’t it be nice if citizens had a bigger voice in how our tax money is spent?” Oh well, we vote these thieves into office and we get what we deserve for doing so, collectively.
On another note, I’d hit my face against your fist if it would make you feel any better =D
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
jorge
June 2, 2009
i dont know much but what i do know is that it takes a lot to go through with just answering an answer like that.
my thought process is much like yours…intense…severe and well fragile to what is around us.
i battle with ocd and depression.
small things can push me into a whirlwind of shit.
i think you are an incredibly brave person.
you are human.
and admitting to that .
is tougher than most people will admit to
nothing but admiration and love
good luck jennie
Mike D
June 2, 2009
Chill, Jennie, you’re still very much on the right track.
The IRS thing is a real bummer, and no advice I or anyone else here can give can help you with that. Ditto the conflicting therapy schedules.
But the further you get into “becoming Jennie” the more you will experience the sort of frustration you’ve described in the last couple of posts.
These feelings will eventually settle, but they’ll probably get a bit worse before they get better.
So steel yourself and be strong. See this shit as a necessary stage you have to go through. Many give up in the face of this and go back to whatever gets them through the day. But I have a git feeling you won’t.
Things like your feelings about praying on your knees are all part of it, all part of owning your past on your own terms in your present, your new present and future as a new person, Jennie.
Of course there are going to be times when the going ain’t easy. So be strong, be focused, be you.
Beyond that, don’t we all self-loathe a lot of the time, don’t we all try to fill that aching existential loneliness with whatever gets us through the day? Drugs, drink, sex, business, hobbies and passtimes, whatever?
Isn’t that interior hollowness that hurts when we look it head on really at the centre of the human condition, so all of us in a sense have “fundamentally dysfunctional minds”?
I very much suscribe to this somewhat pessimistic view of the human condition. I think that the aching dysfunctionality you describe, which you sought to placate with a primary addiction to fuckinbg, and secondary ones to drugs and booze is in fact more common that you think.
It’s just that different people try different kinds of things to mask the pain, and that we live in a consumer culture that lies to us that consumption is a the way to go in a vain pursuit of happiness.
But more optimistically, I think there is a way through the pain and the emptiness that we all as human beings share. The answer lies beyond us, beyond ourselves and our limited horizons, but to access that you first have to know yourself, really know yourself, not just your pain. So keep in becoming Jennie, chill, be strong, be focused and determined!
Mike
Rich
June 2, 2009
Hi Jennie,
Arrrgh! Sounds like a tough day, but you made it through and stayed sober. That is all that matters. Just remember that you are on the roller coaster known as early sobriety and that things will always work out. The IRS does suck, but at least you are sober and actively trying to work it out. What would you have done if you were drunk? Also remember that you don’t have to do things alone. Ask for help! Especially with the IRS. One day at a time!
Hang in there, Rich
Jeff
June 2, 2009
I don’t know how your IRS system works but it’s got to be similar to ours in the UK.
I can tell you seriously that we all feel sick when we get one of those letters.
I had one two years ago because my accountant can’t count, she has trouble with zero’s.
You’ve done the phone thing, and got the “we want your money now or else”, that’s a standard answer that the person reads to thousands of people a day.
They haven’t got the authority to say anything else.
So, sit down and write a letter explaining that you can’t pay in full.
Work out how much you can comfortably pay per month and tell them of your plan of a structured method of re-payment.
Write a cheque (or is it check) and send that
with your letter. That cheque shows your willingness to pay.
My guess is they will accept it, and as notfar wrote above they will give you a scheduled payment plan.
And you told me not to stress!
Dear IRS,
Please accept my apologies for being in arreas with my tax payment for 2006.
I am currently unemployed.
I include a cheque for $??? as a first payment, further payments of the same amount will follow on a monthly basis until the amount is paid in full.
Yours JK.
Don’t eat dogfood, it will make your bum stinky 🙂
Jeff x
Jeff BH
June 2, 2009
Boy, you can write.
I know the political thing — why am I paying taxes that go to politicians and GM? — isn’t the most important thing, but it is an irritant.
The fact is that a lot of what the government does seems insane. When we’re frustrated we focus on that stuff. We don’t focus on, say, the fact that rehab clinics mostly wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for government research and funding, or that the food we eat is safe because the government inspects it, or that old people aren’t starving and living with crippling, untreated illnesses because in this country, they have a guaranteed minimum income and health care.
The government is deeply flawed. Not a shock — people run it, and *they’re* deeply flawed. It might make you feel better as you deal with this godawful IRS news to remember that the government has strengths and weaknesses like you do, and needs both support and honest but measured discussion and correction too. That’s why so many people are hopeful about President Obama, I think — he seems like the right guy for that job.
Fred
June 2, 2009
Hi Jenny,
I find out that most of the time life is compose of the following part:
33% sleeping
5% eating
33% working
20% bullshit
and 9% really good fun time
The trick is to ditch the bullshit part (IRS fall into this category) or at least make it the least painfull you can and focus on the 9% of fun (having friend, dog, watching TV..).
I think its one of the law of the Universe:
– IRS find out you own them money when your in the worst position possible.
I think its just after the “Toast fall on the butter side” law…
I think Jeff have a good advice, try to make a payment plan with them and let them stew in there juice until they respond to you, it will give you some slack.
And for God sake, don’t eat dog food, give you bad breath and everything…. 🙂
AC
June 2, 2009
No advice here, just a thanks for a good read. You are a rockin’ writer.
need4peace
June 2, 2009
Jen. You are incredibly witty. And personally I believe your blog is very therapeutic to you (and me). You may not know me, or even believe I give a shit, about someone I’ve never met, but I do.
And, it’s not because you can, as you so eloquently put it, “suck dick’ or whatever, (although I’ll be the first to admit that wasn’t exactly a turnoff for moi), but because I tried to figure out who you were. And realized, this person was interesting, and funny and dare I say, worthy of my time.
And now II must say, that now I’m addicted to your blog. Thanks a fuckin’ lot. I can’t get my day started or ending without reading the trials and trivializations of Penny Flame, former porn star and now Jennie K., no longer a girl, but a woman with a mind (a sharp one at that) and lot’s of pent up anger.
So, how was my fuckin’ day? Pretty good after reading your blog. Remind me to never sell you dog or cat food or ask how your day was.
IRS. …”Ok, they took everything from Lou Costello, from Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee Lewis, James ‘Motherfuckin’ Brown, and a slough of others. People who helped others out left and right. Gave their time and money to sell war bonds, help raise money for pour farmers, etc.,etc.,etc.,. Ok? Point is, they don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re currently living in a refrigerator box on the corner of Highland and Franklin.
Now I wouldn’t give you bad news without good news. There are people out there who can help you. If you check with the IRS, they have people that can sort this out and help you. Or you can find them on your own. If you want me to find someone I will. But I know you are too proud to ask for help. Which is really fucking dumb kid. GM’s getting help, the goddamned banks got help, and a whole mess of others, so why not little Jennie Ketchum?
Don’t be foolish, ask, and you shall receive (god that sounded way too religious).
I’m guessing have lot’s of anger issues (takes one to know one), and you need to deal with them, and vent them out. Just don’t let them get to you too much. Since only about 15 or so people on here are responding, although many are lurking I’m sure, it’s not a tremendous pool to draw from as far as money goes. I’m willing to help, but I’m married and it’s possible that I may have to share your aforementioned refrigerator box if necessary. I’m kidding of course. I can’t because I absolutely hate the smell of cardboard.
Jen, you are a great writer. I keep saying it hoping you will believe me and many others that little by little you can put together a stellar story that depicts your life. There really hasn’t been much since “Deep Throat”. But you must tread carefully on that sort of story, as it can make money, and then no one wants to deal with you later on.
YOU ARE PRETTY. YOU ARE SMART. YOU ARE RESOURCEFUL, AND YOU ARE A PERSON BURSTING AT THE SEEMS TO FIND YOUR WAY. AND YOU WILL. AND I’M SURE YOU ARE GREAT COMPANY.”
Don’t look in the mirror and say those negative things, because they are just not true, and even more so, they are just saying you are giving up.
Just because you had sex for money and enjoyed it is nothing but honesty. If you asked every red-blooded man, if they were a woman, what would they do? They would (if they were honest) do exactly what you did, or find a rich guy and marry him (which is still fucking for money).. The that of course is an even bigger mistake.
So about half the population of the world would do what you did? Hmmm. So why do you beat yourself up? Because you did? Stop it for crying-out-loud. Pull yourself up, dust off those dancing shoes and go girl! And the next time someone asks how your day was you either be honest and say, “Do you have a computer? Well, then go and read my blog.” Or just do what you did, which was an intelligent choice.
I see great potential in you words. I see a mind that would be terrible to just waste. I see a woman with courage. Stop hating yourself. It’s ok to call yourself a dumb-shit once in a while. Just don’t buy into any crap that you or anyone puts out. Yeah, so you sucked dick and it was addicting (too much cappuccino this morning), SO WHAT?
You are working on you. Think of the courage it takes to go to a SAA meeting as the only woman? Think I’d go into a meeting with all women and I was the only guy….Ok, bad example, but you know what I mean.
I care about you, or I wouldn’t be wasting my precious time trying to talk you down from the ledge you sometimes feel you’re on. I don’t mean to be harsh with you, but I’m 57, and I’m a no-bullshit kinda guy. And you are a no bullshit woman. So you’ve already got it up on most people. You will be surprised at how your past life, not the actually acts, but the experiences and such will make you more grounded. I stupidly volunteered to go to Vietnam. Many of my friends didn’t. Today, none of them had the life (and death) experiences I did. And as much as I’m sometimes ashamed of what I did, what what was done to others, I still realize that my service, my dedication, and my caring also saved lives too. There are always too sides to every mayhem.
Ok, I need some more coffee and need to ‘chil-lax’.
And stop making me rant. I’ve had one heart attack already.
Be strong Jennie.
http://need4peace.wordpress.com/2009/06/01/virtual-intangibility/
Mark
June 2, 2009
Hi Jennie,
I’ve been reading your blog for about 3 weeks now. I’m sorry to hear about your tax troubles, those tyrants at the IRS are really fucked up. I recommend that you give em’ a fight, maybe look into hiring a lawyer. Your tax burden can be significantly reduced. They want you to comply, but if you give them a nice fight and show them you’re not their slave and that you understand that they are not legit, they sometimes back off. Here is a good movie in which you can learn about the history of the IRS and the income tax I recommend you check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsI4c3NzoW0
I manly wanted to write because I had a very strange dream this morning. You were in it haha. Somehow I ended up being a gay porn star, I know it’s strange I don’t even like gay porn that much. So I am a gay porn star and your my friend and we’re shopping somewhere in LA. Anyways you try to purchase something at some store, don’t remember what and they try to rip you off with that buy this and get this item for a reduced price deal, but you don’t take the deal. It’s a very strange dream haha just wanted to write about it I know you will get a laugh out of it.
Take care 🙂
need4peace
June 2, 2009
Oh. BTW. Yeah, U made the right decision….
Me
June 2, 2009
When people ask that question they generally don’t care what the answer is. They’re just being polite or saying anything to fill up the time it takes ring up the sale. You’re pretty intelligent so I’m sure you already know this.
My standard response to that question is always “fine, thanks.” no matter what the real answer is, and I never ever ask them back – because (1) I don’t really give a fuck and (2) they might tell me something other than “fine thanks.”
I only ever ask my friends how they are.
You’re a really brave person to put yourself out there.
Heh next time, you could just give them this url and tell them to read it for themselves later.
Andy
June 2, 2009
HIlarious.
FL
June 2, 2009
Hehe.
Tell you what: you should do martial arts. Kick boxing or judo or whatever. Get some of that anger out of your system.
I can’t keep myself from drinking unless i slap myself in the face — metaphorically — now and then. Running marathons, lifting weights, practicing kung-fu, whatever. It’s relaxing, and it kind of substitutes for the “kick” you get from alcohol, drugs or destructive sex.
tim
June 2, 2009
Jennie, it looks like the implosion has begun:
“70 to 90%, of the addicts who go into treatment will relapse within the first year after completing a traditional program.”
See you at the bar.
Mike D
June 2, 2009
Jennie, ignore this bullshit.
Yes, lots of people do relapse when the going gets tough. I’ve mentioned several times my dear departed friend who would baulk at this stage. But she was much younger than you, and her problem was H, not booze.
Anyway, what sort of statistic is Tim’s “70-90%”, where did he get if from? Out of thin air, I guess. Don’t sound real to me.
I think there are many parallels between recovery and the journeys into the self that the mystics make, the 12 steps, the elations, the struggle with one’s lower self, the realisation of the final goal.
You’re going through what some call “The Dark Night of the Soul”, a crucial stage in the struggle with the self. The initiate/recovering person has to face this alone; it can be tough, it can be scary, but be strong and you’ll come out the other side a stronger, better person.
But it needs not only strength, but patience, perseverance, and focus of mind.
God be with you as you wrestle with your demons. They are weaker than you think and can be beaten.
Mike
Matt
June 2, 2009
You’re a rebel.
Stay strong and free.
Pete
June 2, 2009
and I thought my day was bad…..its nice sometime to have a different perspective.
chris
June 2, 2009
j,
haha. you are a funny motherfucker man! i say the same shit! i could have had the worst day in my life and i’ll still say, fine, how you doin?
dont listen to tim. if you dont wanna drink…dont.
but i have problems going on in my life also, financial and a scorching case of ptsd from the goddam military, and with the crumbling, almost inevitable fall of america that we are witnessing right before our eyes, i recommend one thing. move to canada. “im fuckin going. thats all there is to it, im fucking going.”-jules, pulp fiction. you can roll with me if you want. i just need to find someone that makes fake canadian id’s up there and im good. just head north on the 5 til you see vancouver (b.c.) city limit signs. just break out the ol trusty ipod…select artist…select too $hort….select all songs (starting with get in where you fit in) press play and roll out. seriously. ill just teach snowboarding up a blackcomb probably. let me know haha
everythings gonna be alright though.
dave
June 2, 2009
All I can say after reading your response to the clerk’s question, “How’s your day?’ is,
Jennie, you’re a PISTOL!!! LOL
I don’t know how many thousand times I’ve felt the same way…only to realize, before I open my big mouth, that the clerk is just making small talk, not expecting a truthful answer. And sometimes my brain goes all spazzy thinking of all the shit I’d really like to tell them that I’m kinda frozen in my own timewarp. Then the next sound I hear is, “Don’t forget your change.”
I don’t mean to belittle the reasons for your writing this blog, but GOD, you’re a very entertaining writer, and today’s thread was funny as HELL. Jennie IS just as addicting as Penny WAS. Thanks for letting all of us follow along on your journey. Gravity bless.
Jez
June 2, 2009
Hope you have a better day tomorrow hun. x
Jay
June 2, 2009
Hey Jennie,
In response to the IRS trouble, how about putting up a tip jar on this site through paypal. I’m sure a lot of us reading this blog would contribute as a small price for your writing this blog.
Davo
June 2, 2009
Re: Your “honest” response –
It sounds like you need to get laid!
..too bad you’re f*^k’d-up from all those years of porn that you can’t just be a normal 20-something, having a good-time and not over analyzing every aspect of everyday of your life.. a shame. Sorry.
But ‘directing’ won’t make you crazy again, no, right, naw.. not that, or being around the industry that ate you up.. not You!!
Evan
June 2, 2009
I’ve been reading you religiously (although I hesitate to use that term because of the extra dimensional doors it opens) for a while now. Thank you. I’ve known I’ve had a substance abuse problem for a while now but I’ve been unwilling to face it. You’re blogging has brought a lot of clarity to me regarding my substance abuse. As a soldier in the US Army I drug and drink to cope with my PTSD.
Okay. It’s twelve hours from when I started writing this comment. I broke down sobbing as soon as I wrote the acronym, “PTSD.” I am deeply ashamed of suffering from this disorder and also from the substance abuse I engage in to cope with it.
I really just wanted you to know that your courage in confronting your demons is an inspiration to me and the knowledge that you’re succeeding brings me immeasurable happiness and hope. Thank you Jennie.
lesinge32
June 2, 2009
Jennie,
I once heard some one say that they understood that drinking, drugging and whatever else…(gambling for me sex for you or whatever else) was a problem they didn’t need to be convinced of that but what they couldn’t understand was why after being sober awhile they weren’t all right sober. So even though I had a drinking etc. problem what I really had was a being sober problem.
Like you say I used all my addictions to numb myself. I was running from life, but I was not really getting away all these things where hot on my heels like a pack of rabid dogs or a giant tidal wave. Once I stopped running all this stuff that I was running from crashed into the back of me and nearly engulfed me for a while. But just like when I would wake up with a horrible hangover and knew a drink would wipe it out, that only put it in the mail and made it that much worst when I eventually had to pay the piper. It was a real difficult time but it was unavoidable. I hate to say it but the only answer was gravity working through the 12 step programs getting down to causes and conditions, simple but not easy. LoL it used to piss me off so much when I would go to meetings and people would talk about gravity (which at the time made me very uncomfortable) and I was like screw this I got real problems court dates, money problems, inside my head is like a swarm of bees, ad nasium…. I continued on even though I KNEW it wouldn’t work (because I was different lol) basically b/c I was for the first time in my life beat down to the point where I was out of ideas. Much to my surprise amazing thing happened not only did this solution take this garbage it wasn’t just putting off it pacified the tidal wave chasing me and changed it into power that will always support me through all things.
Looking back it was a great blessing that things were so bad at first b/c otherwise I never would have been able to do all the things that have to be done. I was scared to death of opening up to anyone at all and I trusted no one but the extreme pain I was in motivated me to open up and to do what needed to be done until the motivation of seeing it work took over (u might say I came to believe >.>).
It like Mr. Churchill said “if you’re going through hell KEEP GOING”
This to shall pass
~Le Singe
p.s. i’ve had my go arounds with the IRS but a friend pointed out to me they don’t want your money they just want THEIR money, I wanted to choke him but he was right. I found the irs ins’t stupid they relise you can’t give them what you don’t have and if your in jail your not making money to pay them. I found they would work with me as long as some money was coming in….
jacq jones
June 2, 2009
feelings can suck
but feeling the sucky ones means that you get to feel the really lovely ones. like waking up in the morning without a hangover and finding a delightful, smelly cuddly pit bull in your bed.
hang in there girl. you’re worth it.
Ade
June 2, 2009
A well-known legend (round here) has it that there was was this guy who had a standing bet in a bar that after he’d crushed a lemon in his fist, no one else would be able to get any more juice out of it.
Over the years, many people tried. This guy would take a lemon in his huge, powerful hand and his cable-like fingers would start to close until every last scrap of juice had been forced out of the battered, yellow pulp.
Then, one day, a desperately thin and elderly man slipped in through the door and asked the barman in a voice barely louder than a whisper, what about this lemon?
Well, over comes the guy and looks this shriveled, grey stick of a man up and down and asks if he’s sure he knows what the bet is. The old man assures him that he understands perfectly.
So, the guy picks up a lemon and starts to squeeze. Juice comes flowing from between his fingers and a look of immense strain can be seen in his eyes, as his forehead breaks out in sweat. The pressure he exerts on the lemon is immense!
Finally, when the last tiny trickle of juice falls from his fist, he drops the mangled pulp on the bar with a look of total confidence.
The old man looks it over carefully, scoops it up and with all the power of a two-year old on valium, starts to squeeze. And to everyones amazement, three more drops of juice slip from the old mans hand!
Shocked at the loss of his long-standing and seemingly invincible title, the guy demands to know the old man’s secret.
“Well, you see” says the old man, “I work for the IRS.”
kate
June 2, 2009
i owed the irs money, probably a lot less than you did, but anyway normally you can work out a payment plan (with interest of course). umm…. try that?
Roger
June 2, 2009
I love it. At least you wrote it down and got it out. That’s some catharsis, at least. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall and watched you unleash that tirade on that poor misguided guy. But then I’m twisted that way.
In those situations, after going through my own personal litany in my head, I usually reply with something like, “I’ve had better, thank-you-for-asking.” It usually puts them off their stride in a vaguely satisfying way. I get a little enjoyment out of that, but it’s not nearly as fun as your rant could have been!
Sean
June 2, 2009
Wow – sounds like a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day to paraphrase…
I’m sorry that this is going on for you – that you are frustrated and hurting. But I am also very impressed that you are dealing with it this way instead of a relapse into old behaviors.
You have people out here who’ve never met you, yet who support you and are keeping up with your progress – and you are a great inspiration Jennie, so please don’t lose faith in the most important thing, yourself!
Wiltn8r
June 2, 2009
Jennie;
Sorry to hear about your tax woes and how crappy your day was.
However you might want to cut the Petco guy some slack.
A lot of cashier jobs require them to ask the customer some idiotic question to “bond” with them at the cash register. They get disciplined if they don’t say it (demerits, reduced hours, counseling, pay cuts, fired etc.) because they aren’t following company policy.
And if you want a shitty day, imagine how humiliated you’d feel if you were fired for not saying “how was your day” at Petco?
PS: You should really look at writing a column for something your passionate about (art, comedy, hiking, pets etc.) for some newspaper or web publication or something along those lines. Even if it isn’t for money initially, it will help build your credentials as a writer and might get you noticed for bigger better things.
Hope tomorrow is better..
Wiltn8r
John H
June 4, 2009
Hey Penny or should I say Jennie 🙂 It is me your old metrobabes friend chEATOOR. I have seen that you are changin and change is a good thing. Remember if you ever wanna talk to me then go ahead and email me I would be glad to help you a friend of mine 🙂 Hopefully I hear back from you soon.
Your Friendly Neighborhood MannHor
P.S. MannHor is how you pronounce my last name 😛
Julie Meadows
June 29, 2009
I’m sorry you are going through this, but it does get better. I was an actress and am out four years now, married and monogamous – not sober – but doing much better after some time has passed. I have a blog, too, full of self-searching posts. My friend, Jay, sent me this link because he loves you. Thinks you are pretty awesome. Hang in there, seriously, it does get better. 🙂
Julie Meadows
christalball
August 20, 2009
awww, sorry that day sucked, Jennie ~ and for the shit that you must grapple with and aren’t able to tell us just because you can’t remember everything [and it would be insane if you tried posting that string of spiraling thoughts which aren’t our business anyway], i give you hella more props for being strong and keeping it together [staving off your addictions]. my “platonic love [friend who i love DEARly, but aren’t romantic with {longish story, but in the back of my mind i can’t help but think “maybe one day”}];^)” and i are all about “this too shall pass.” i hope to see you keeping up the great work, as i read on ~ you are kicking too much ass to stop now!:^)
christalball
August 20, 2009
post script:
the often and uncanny times people have asked me how i was, in a pedestrian manner, and i was hella bummin,’ i typically never said “not bad,” but rather let all the ill-feeling glow from my eyes as i would say, “i’ve had better/i can’t wait till this day’s through/siiigggghhhh [with pathetic smile].” after that i get a more real and human response of just a smile, a shared sigh or shrug or something generic but more honest like “yeah, i know what you mean….” people are more capable of casually accepting a bit of realness in those artificial vacuums of time than they are given credit for;^) i hope this finds you in better spirits, miss firecracker….
Stephen
November 13, 2009
See that is good writing…..wait for it, talk about it, explain it, then bam ! Give them the funny part at the end. I laughed and smiled and it made my day.
Thanks,
Shannon Munford M.A.
December 4, 2009
And funny you are not the only one with that story. That’s the freeing part of recovery.
Liz
March 16, 2010
Jennie, That was FUCKING awesome!!! I totally have had a similar response in my head to that question. And you want to be honest and tell them that, but I too end up saying, “not bad, and you?” Way to keep your cool, girl. You’re a warrior!
matthew
April 3, 2010
Anthony Bordain went through hell and back and now he is a published author, the will of the world i believe in and i have a great amount of faith you will be an incredible published author..you are fucking good
Jinzo
May 18, 2010
two words: cat therapy!