Tonight, the moon seems to be shining just a little bit brighter, and its light comes through my open windows, clouds floating gently by as a conversation with the addict inside finally starts settling into a soft murmur, a stark contrast from the screaming insanity that has plagued my day. The violent fight started early in the morning, and continued throughout the day, the only relief provided came through sharing at my regular Thursday night meeting, sharing the dialogue in my head, the ideas and rationale, the naughty little plots and plans all addicts provide the self in order to survive. To thrive. I will share this conversation with you, because when I finally took a moment to breathe, and reflect upon the incessant chatter, the creativity my addict uses to argue her case is baffling, and her points are powerful. Conversations with an Addict are always interesting. To say the least….
Self: All right self, lets hit the bank. It’s clear out time for that IRA and you know it won’t be a quick thing so lets make sure we have enough time to handle this before the 2:30 meeting.
Addict: Chillax. There is ALWAYS time. So maybe you’ll miss the meeting, you’re going to another tonight. In fact, we can just handle that bank shit tomorrow. That is all easy shit to do anyway. You just walk in and say “gimme my money”.
Self: no, I really don’t think it’s going to be that easy. I will have to talk with a financial planner, and move some things around and lets just make sure we have time. We can maybe get pinkberry after if there is extra time in between.
Addict: You know how I feel about pinkberry. That shit is delicious. Fine, lets do this.
Self: Fantastic, here we go. Lets go.
Addict: Just smoke one more cigarette and see if anybody commented on your blog from yesterday.
Self: NO. We have to go now if we are going to get pinkberry, so lets move it. You can smoke a cigarette on the way.
Addict: But its such a short drive! There won’t be time!
Self: Well you can finish it outside the bank now lets go.
Addict: Fine, I hate you.
Self: I hate you too sometimes, but we hate the IRS more, now get your shit and get in the car.
Addict: Harumph. This is stupid. We should just borrow some money and not worry about it.
Self: Then we have to pay back the money so lets just fucking do this. Now. Get. In. The. Car.
Driving to the bank:
Addict: But what if they won’t give you the money.
Self: They have to. It’s my money, I’ll pay the penalties and we will give it to the IRS. That is the deal we’ve made. That is the solution.
Addict: But what if they’ve lost it? With the economy and all, what if it’s already gone?
Self: Then that is something we will deal with when we get there. Stop complaining and smoke your cigarette.
Addict: It’s totally lost and you know it. Lets just go to pinkberry and deal with this tomorrow.
Self: We are already halfway there and we’ve passed pinkberry. We’ll get it on the way to the meeting.
Addict: But I don’t want to go to the meeting. Sharing shmaring. Blah. Boooooorrrring.
Self: Smoke. Your. Cigarette.
In line at the bank:
Addict: See you don’t even know where to go. Lets just leave. This isn’t going to work. Money is lost. Gone. Never gonna get it. Lets bounce. PInkberry pinkberry pinkberry.
Self: You will get your pinkberry after we get our money. Now shut up and lets ask someone who to speak with.
Addict: DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY. Nobody will want to answer your question, and they will laugh at you for asking. Lets just leave and do this tomorrow.
Self: There might not be a tomorrow so lets just try.
Addict: No tomorrow? So fuck it, lets get pinkberry.
Self: If you don’t stop it I will not get you pinkberry at all. Now hush and lets as the teller what to do.
Asking the teller what to do:
Self (outloud): who do I need to speak with about cashing out my IRA?
Teller: Ummm….just fill out the withdraw slip and wait in line over there.
Addict: He has no fucking clue what he’s talking about. Wait in line. Are you kidding me? Who waits in line to get their money?
Self: All these other people so lets fill it out and wait in line.
Addict: But I hate lines!!!!
Self: I know, I do too but we need to do this otherwise we are going to jail and we never get pinkberry again.
Addict: fine. I hate you.
Self: I hate you too.
When the teller finally calls us:
Teller: Okay, let me go ask my manager about this, I can’t pull it up for some reason.
Addict: See, I fucking told you, no money, all gone, lost, hidden, not yours, bad idea, retreat retreat retreat!
Self: Calm down, he’s just asking his manager. He’ll be back in a minute.
Addict: We don’t have a minute. The IRS is coming and we are going to jail. Lets just get pinkberry before we go to jail.
Self: No. We will cash this out, get pinkberry, go to a meeting, and not go to jail. Shhh here he comes.
Teller: So, you need to go speak with a financial advisor about this, I can’t do it here.
Self (outloud): thank you very much. Just point me in the direction.
Addict: Point me in the direction? The direction is the door you fool, lets walk through it, get in the car, and pretend this is all handled. Lets BOUNCE.
Self: shut. up.
Waiting for financial planner:
Addict: Lost lost lost lost lost lost lost lost lost. Retreat. retreat. Retreat. Retreat. Retreat.
Addict: Lost lost lost lost lost lost lost forever FOREVER no money no money no money we are screwed.
Addict: Pinkberry pinkberry pinkberry pinkberry pinkberry.
Self: Shut UP.
Sitting with financial planner:
Financial planner: It looks like your account has been restricted because some of the mail was returned. We can take the restriction off but it will take about 48-72 hours to process, and then another three days to sell the shares and then 3-5 to have your check mailed and received.
Addict: I fucking told you. No money. Impossible.
Self: No, entirely possible. Will just take longer than we planned.
Addict: WE DON’T HAVE LONGER! it must be now. now now now now now.
Self: We will call the IRS when we leave, a taxpayer advocate can help us, and I’m sure that this will work out. We are doing what’s right, it MUST work out.
Addict: Nothing works out. Lets just leave. You can borrow the money from your dad. Or maybe Duncan.
Self: No, we will not borrow money, we have it we just have to wait. Calm down.
Addict: It’s not going to work out. nope nope nope nope nope. Nothing is going to work out.
Self: IT IS. Now chill.
Self (outloud): Thank you very much for helping me. I will give you a call Monday or Tuesday to see if we can move forward.
Financial Planner: Here is my card, I’ll be expecting your call. Don’t worry, this will be handled.
Self: I told you bitch.
Self (outloud): thank you so much.
Walking out of the bank:
Addict: I told you this isn’t going to work, nothing works out when you try to do the right thing. Lets just borrow some dough and you can deal with it all later.
Self: No, it will be dealt with now. We are going home to get the taxpayer advocate’s # so we can call them and arrange the payment.
Addict: BUT YOU SAID PINKBERRY.
Self: That was before we had this new problem. Lets deal with this and then we will get pinkberry.
Addict: I hate you. You lie to me.
Self: you lie to me all the time, so shut up and lets go home.
On hold waiting for advocate:
Addict: hang up hang up hang up hang up hang up hang up hang up.
Self: No, it will just be a little longer.
Addict: we don’t have longer, the meeting starts in 25 minutes and you don’t have a seat!
Self: so now you want to go to the meeting?
Addict: no I want pinkberry but you are being a bitch, so I’ll settle for a meeting.
California Tax person: okay, so what is the problem mam?
Self (outloud): well, I’ve just started the process of cashing out on my IRA, and they have a restriction on it because I’ve moved so that will take 48-72 hrs, and then another 3 to sell the shares and then 3-5 to get my check, so I just wanted you guys to know the payment is coming.
California Tax person: Ma’am, I mean, what is this in reference to?
Self (outloud): the notification of tax levy
California tax person: ma’am this is the state, we haven’t sent a levy notification. Your bill should be arriving on the 12th. That must be federal.
Self (outloud): okay, well I guess I’ll be calling you guys back to set up a payment plan soon.
California tax person: we will be waiting.
Addict: you dumb shit you dumb shit, you fucking called the wrong people and now we owe MORE money!
Self: They would have found us anyway, it’s not like we are hiding. Besides, we didn’t fuck up with these people yet, we can set a payment plan and do it the long hard way but the right way. chill out. It would have happened sooner or later. They always find you.
Addict: They would never find me. Lets just go to Mexico. Maybe Cabo. We can rent jetski’s on the beach and go back to drinking fruity drinks and not worrying about this shit. Come on….
Self: No, we are not going to Mexico. There is tons of violence down there right now, that’s not a good idea.
Addict: Then maybe Tahiti, lets go to Tahiti and be like Paul Gauguin
Self: You don’t even know who that is!
Addict: Do too. Frenchie. Lets do it. Run away. No problems. Just beach, sand, lovely mango’s
Self: I’m calling the right # now.
Addict: I hate you.
Self: I hate you too.
Calling the right #:
IRS: okay ma’am, I will write this in and your due date will be June 28th, will that work for you?
Self (outloud): thank you so much sir, you’ve really given me so much help, I am eternally grateful.
IRS: No problem. Just make sure you pay it. And good luck to you.
Self (outloud): thank you thank you thank you.
Self: See, I told you, everything will work out.
Addict: Yeah, everything except your car. You know, you can just have it stolen and then you don’t have to worry about shit.
Self: That is a bad idea.
Addict: NO WAY! It’s a great idea. in fact, maybe my best idea yet.
Self: Shut up, we are not having the car stolen, we are going to sit in this meeting and listen. Now hush.
Sitting in the meeting.
Addict: Stolen Car.
Addict: Gap insurance.
Addict: Steal the car, steal the car steal the car.
Self: shhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t fucking hear!
Addict: it’s not like you’re doing it! Shit we could even take it down to the border! Then we could stop and get some california burritos on the way back. And maybe some pinkberry.
Self: We are not having the car stolen, we are just going to give it back and default on our lease agreement. It’s okay, sometimes we have to take a hit. We are starting over remember?
Addict: Stolen car. Steal the car. Have the car stolen. Just make a few calls. It’s easy. You know people.
Self: I do, but I erased their numbers.
Addict: Not all of them. Just ask….
Addict: I will wear you down.
In therapy with Jill after meeting:
Self (outloud): I kind of want to have my car stolen. What kind of financial amends would I be looking at.
Jilly Beans: No. Not a good plan.
Self: told you.
Addict: ask again. Tell her you have gap and it just goes away.
Self (outloud): I have gap and it just goes away.
Jilly Beans: Nothing just goes away. Don’t have your car stolen.
Addict: Jilly beans doesn’t know what she is talking about. I bet your sponsor says maybe.
Self: we will ask her in a minute, let me get through therapy.
Answering machine belonging to sponsor:
Self (outloud): Something inside is telling me to have my car stolen. Like that will be easier. I also feel like moving to Tahiti to paint and write for the rest of my life, and eat mangos. Please call me back and tell me if these are good ideas.
Addict: Nice message. Totally perfect. She will love it.
Text from Sponsor ten minutes later: I owed 16K to the IRS when I quit so stop being a baby. And the sooner you give the car back the sooner you get one you can afford.
Addict: Sponsor knows nothing.
Self: two points self.
At meeting in evening:
Addict: Listen, just share my idea, present it in a nice and funny way, and if anybody backs me up, talk to them after the meeting.
Self: Fine, I’ll ask the room what they think. But if I get a fucking chorus of no’s I’m not doing it.
Addict: If you get 3 yes then it’s on.
Self: but only if they mean it.
Self (outloud): I need to say this because I’m thinking of doing it and I don’t think I should. I am thinking of having my car stolen. I mean, it’s pretty easy really, and I’m just thinking that’s a better idea than defaulting on the loan so I figured I’d get a group consensus, and….
Addict: They are wrong:
Self: We had a deal.
Addict: yeah we did! you never got me pinkberry. and I still want to go to tahiti.
Self: We have mango sorbet at home, that will do. Now, bedtime little chatterbox. I’ve won this battle today.