A little over a week ago I started praying to Gravity for clarity, for some guidance throughout my day, throughout my days, I’m saying the “Set Aside” prayer up to 5 times a day some days, the serenity prayer, and then asking that power greater than me to help me, guide me, give me some fucking signs. It took the front page of the newspaper to get it through my thick skull. Just because I make pretty sentences doesn’t mean I can understand the signs around me.
The first day I thought of having my car stolen, after I spoke with Jilly Beans, I got a parking ticket. For not checking out the signs around me. Turns out it’s street cleaning day, and fuck, here’s $45.00 City of LA. I put it in the purse along with the certified mail I intended on bringing to the labor board in an attempt to get my last check from fucking Metro. Fucking company. Whatever. Ticket in purse, off to meeting.
On the way I spoke with B, who as I’ve written text me back saying stop being a baby. I laughed it off, went inside to my meeting, and shared with the group about my brilliant idea to have my car stolen. After a round of “NO’S” I surrendered, and said fine. I won’t do it. Went out to my car, another parking ticket, not paying attention to the signs. Fine. So I parked a little in the red. Fucking red. In my fucking way. Ugh.
A few days later, of course the little addict ever so resilient, started to whisper about the car theft again, “just do it you little bitch, you know it’s the easiest way out. You KNOW people!!!” I’m praying to Gravity for clarity, for guidance, please tell me what to do about this car thing. I’m so attached to the stupid expensive thing, so attached to my ego for being in a position in my life where it was affordable, its so hard to let go and force my ego to deflate, I thought about calling Tye to see who he knew about the car. He’s offered such services before, maybe a little research can’t hurt. Of course we all know Tye’s situation (which I am still processing and trying not to think about hence the lighthearted blog), and he just really isn’t in a position to help me have my car stolen. Once again, I come out to find that- wait for it- ANOTHER fucking ticket. Permit area. Are you fucking kidding me???
So yesterday, I’m walking with my special Lady of strength, and I tell her about my ticket magnet car trouble, at which point she told me “DUDE you gotta pay attention to the signs! You can’t just bumble around oblivious to your life. Start taking pictures if that helps.” I also told her about my clever idea, which she laughed over and said yeah, pretty much not a good idea. Especially if I owe parking tickets. Might as well just give it all back. And pay off the tickets. I know I know. I’m already over having my car stolen, besides, I’ve told my therapist, B, group, Strong Lady friend, and Duncan, everybody knows that if it were to disappear it’s because I had it stolen….which is precisely why I told everybody. Because in doing so, I actually made it impossible to follow through. In any case, I’ve still been having trouble paying attention to the little signs provided by that power, and low and behold, sitting in my windowsill drinking coffee with my morning cigarette, look what’s on the fucking front of the LA Times…… ……………