The funny thing about feelings is that they come and go. They pass like the winds, the seasons, the tides, and every day, new feelings arise, which then fade into the twilight of the early evening. This blog is a success for me because it allows me to view the feelings that I have had, that are no longer present in my being. No longer captivating my mind. It allows me to look at myself in a way that I am not usually good at. It creates a place for introspection, that is safe to me, regardless of how many people view it a day. I’ve noticed a couple trends when looking back over my entries, and I can only think that from these trends, an on going theme seems fairly apparent in my life.
Deflection, rather than reflection.
It seems that whenever I feel uncomfortable with my own emotions, I seek out a person who has those qualities and I berate or judge him for possessing the humanly qualities that I dislike in myself. This is not good. I mean, it isn’t good or bad necessarily, but it certainly isn’t productive, and productivity is the reason behind this piece of internet literature, so I must remain steadfast in my purpose.
I know I usually update right before I go to bed, as the day is at completion, and I feel as though it’s time to vent, to share the struggles of the past 12-14 hours, but after a tough hike, I feel a wave of emotions that I must deal with immediately. To sit on them will allow me to forget, will allow the feelings to pass, and these are feelings I want to look back upon, and remember. These realizations are things I need to keep in mind every single day, at every single moment, as they can be used for good instead of evil. I’m letting go of my evil powers. That is the purpose of this blog. A few things came to me as I bounded down the mountain. A few things that I’ve addressed here exteriorly, instead of taking the looking glass and forcing myself to look at my own part in things. That is the purpose of the 12 steps right? To look at and be accountable for our part in things? My part in things? This is the first realization.
My anger with Tye for his attempted suicide, I believe, comes from two places. One, from the selfish need and desire to keep him in my life. Fear is a huge motivator behind anger for me, and my fear of losing him, my fear of having to attend his funeral in all black, of having to look his father (whom I love very dearly) in the eye and offer condolences, of never being able to see him again. I am afraid of losing my friend. This fear makes me angry because I do not like being afraid. I am not comfortable in this emotion, so I transfer it to the easier, and less introspective emotion of anger. Anger with him for being selfish. When in reality, it is me who is being selfish. The second reason I was angry with him is a secondary symptom of that fear. Besides being afraid to lose him, I am afraid that my bottom (as I’ve hit a fairly high bottom) could be as low as his. That I could at some point feel so desperate and alone that suicide is the only answer. My fear is that the bottom I’ve hit, isn’t actually my bottom. That it will take more for me to realize how desperately I need to change my behavior if I am going to live. And again, I’ve transferred this emotion to anger because I do not like looking at the truth. I do not like facing my fears, especially if that fear is that things can in fact be and get worse.
My distrust of the man from the group stems from a distrust of all men in general, and generally speaking, a distrust of myself. I do not trust my own intentions sometimes, and this causes me to distrust other people. I know I am not being trustworthy if I am not open and vulnerable, and when I see that in another, I focus on it, rather than myself. It is always easy to point out another’s faults, but incredibly difficult to sit in and dissect my own uncomfortable emotions regarding self trust. I’ve been a sexual predator and power hungry, so the slightest representation of that sets me off. This has nothing to do with the man, and everything to do with myself. I must work on trusting my own intentions first by knowing what they are, and knowing in my heart that they are in fact pure. Working to trust myself starts with admitting that I do not trust my own mind, as it is the dis eased mind of an addict. I am powerless over my addictions and am working on asking gravity to remove all my shortcomings. But the steps are in order for a reason, and I’m not there yet. So it is important for me to recognize the rungs on the ladder I must climb in order to effectively allow my power to do that. So I must work on trusting myself. Only through this will I trust other people.
And as far as Bleeze goes, that is another anger stemming from fear. I am afraid that we will not be friends if we do not get high, and it’s this fear that causes me to be angry, and put it on him. As if he has done something wrong, when if fact, he is just doing the same thing he has always done. I must recognize that I am probably not the only one afraid of losing our friendship, and I must be easy on him, as my changes have come quick and hard, and it is not my place to dictate a change in others.
I must start being entirely aware that my issues regarding other’s are probably issues regarding myself. That I’ve taken the easy way out and pointed a finger, when in reality, there are four fingers pointing right back at me. I am looking to others as a convenience, as opposed to looking at myself. As Freud says of dreams:
I am a good sleeper, unaccustomed to being awakened by any need. If I can slake my thirst by dreaming that I am drinking, I don’t need to wake up in order to be satisfied. Thus this is a convenience dream. The dream is substituted for action, as so often in life.
I must remember these feelings. I don’t have to sit in them, I can allow them to pass, but I must remember that every time I am frustrated with someone, it is deflecting me from looking at my part. At my own shit. And I must remember that every time I allow myself to do this, I am taking the long way down the hard road of recovery.