I heard the most amazing thing tonight, about the difference between knowing and seeing. How we can never actually see the things we know, and we can never know the things we see. If you take the pictures for example, that I had posted on my blog, you can see me. But that isn’t actually me and it doesn’t mean you know me. Whereas if you know you are in love with a person, it is simply something you know, there are no seeable signs, not one single picture that you can take of your heart showing the love. The feeling.
I was headed to an afternoon meeting when I got a call from Tye-N9ne. Now, keep in mind he’s been locked up in a ward for the past week so to my utter surprise, the robot sounding ringtone went off and his little face popped up. I was on the other line with the kind people over at Swapalease, that’s right it’s bye bye Benzo time, and had to call him back. I did, and cried while driving, confessing how much I love him, and how I want him to know that if he ever needs anything, any help, any support, he is not alone, and I will always be here for him. I cried telling him how important he is in my life, and how much his friendship means to me. These are things I want him to know. There is no proof other than the feelings inside, and if I were to take a picture, that picture worth a thousand words, it would never compare to the undeniable principle that I love him and he is my friend. I also told him that if he had killed himself I would have brought him back to life and then killed him again. With my own two hands. And that is something you could take a picture of.
After I got off the phone, as I was parking, a wave of relief came over me. I had been praying for Tye’s safety and healthy recovery, praying that he would come out and realize the serious nature of his anger issues and want help. I thanked god that my prayers were answered, and cried when I shared the experience with fellows because that is truly the first time I’ve felt connected to a power greater than myself. The first time I knew something is watching after him, watching after me.
I also heard the most amazing thing tonight about beauty, and what it is that makes something beautiful. How many nights have we sat and watched sunsets, and been overwhelmed with the sense that “that is beautiful”. Or looked out into a starry night and thought, “what a beautiful night.” And there is nothing about the sunset that is actually beautiful, nor the stars, it’s the feeling inside that we recognize as beauty, the knowledge of what beautiful truly is, and the only way we experience it is in a feeling. Within us. Which lets me believe that beauty exists solely within us. In a precise moment where we know. Beautify. There should be nothing to stop me from looking at a rainy day and allowing that feeling to rise, or at the insanity of Hollywood Blvd, or at myself in the mirror, but for some reason, I stuff it down into my heart, and only let it bubble up when I just can’t help it. My goal this week is to find beauty in everything I can. To look for beautiful things. By doing that, I can know what it is to be intrinsically beautiful, and I can stop looking at pictures.