I had dreams last night, scary dreams. Not the kind of nightmares where I am running away from something, which is a reoccurring dream that plagues my sleep, nor is it the dream where I am very angry with someone and try to hit them and can never actually connect my fist to his/her face, last nights sleep was consumed with dreams about sex. Sex with people I don’t want to have sex with, sex with a man whose name I don’t know, whose face I can’t see, whose feeling I can’t feel. It wasn’t a rape, or anything like that, the sex was consensual, it was just anonymous, unnecessary, and lacked the passion and fervor I’ve decided I must have in order to, in my waking life, participate.
Yesterday, well, actually the day before yesterday, Wednesday, because you will be reading this on Friday, reports came out on XBiz and AVN about a performer catching HIV. The story causes great worry in me not only because I was once a performer, but the circumstances surrounding the positive result are so skewed, so vague, and so discombobulated, there lacks the credibility that I desire in order to sleep peacefully. They report she tested positive the 4th, and had worked with a man the 5th and then tested positive AGAIN the 6th. AIM is still awaiting the confirmatory results. This minor little inconsistency freaks me the fuck out. For obvious reasons.
So, I hear that Wednesday, then Thursday, tonight, (I went to a late night meeting and was forwarded a late night link), I hear that there were another 16 unpublicized cases between 2004-present, and THAT terrifies me. Not because I think I have it, lord knows it could show up years down the line and there is no sense in worrying over it until then (i’ll just remain steadfast in my testing and practicing safe sex-when I do have it), but because the pure and simple fact that it went by unnoticed. Unannounced. I understand patient privacy rights, but we sign wavers saying that the results will be released if we test positive and where the fuck are they released if not to the other people we are having sex with? I mean, wouldn’t that make sense? Wouldn’t it make sense to tell the talent there are cases running around them? Scary thoughts.
In one aspect, it reaffirms my decision I made a couple years back to ask Christian to wear a condom. That fucking asshole. If you don’t know the story, I mentioned it once on my previous blog, and don’t really care to rehash it here, but the decision I made was valid and just. And his demand and insistence that “we are not friends if I have to wear a condom to have sex with you” has stuck with me, and every time I’ve seen him I feel sick to my stomach. He is right. We are NOT friends if those are the principles on which our friendship is based. I have a right to worry about my health, just like every performer in the industry. If he doesn’t want to that’s fine, but to put it on me as if I’ve done something wrong by wanting further protection, well that is just wrong. And these 16 unreported cases further my point. I’ve never said it like this, and I’ll only say it once. FUCK. HIM.
I’ve been tested through AIM as long as I’ve been in the business. Every 30 day’s I receive a new test. Kind of like my period. And I have to trust in the hope that everything was/is accurate. But this scare makes me blink. Makes my heart skip a beat. I don’t care if it is a handful of people, or a boatload, this isn’t the kind of shit you take lightly, and it’s not the kind of thing you withhold from the people it directly effects.
I have no doubt that my dreams were in some way related to the scare, to some subconscious worries running in my mind. I’ve read that “sexual dreams are often straightforward representations of desires for other people. Sex in a dream can also signify our need to bond with or gain power over others.” In this dream I was also worried I was pregnant, “a dream of being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of your personality or personal life that is growing and developing, but is not yet ready to be talked about or acted upon. It represents the birth of a new idea, direction or goal.”(smartgirl.org lol). But if you add in the other aspect, the lack of emotion, the unnecessary, perhaps I’ve started to worry that I will not be growing, will not be able to give birth to my new ideas if I am to have meaningless sex, that I do need to truly bond with another before giving that kind of shit up. I’ll eat that answer for dinner, and sit with a full stomach.
And if it wasn’t official before, it certainly is now. I ain’t goin back there….