I Am

Posted on June 12, 2009


So a couple days ago, I set up the blog to automatically post all entries as good days. I felt as if it was a bad day, I would feel so inclined to check the little box, and that whatever the cause behind the bad day would be enough to keep the momentum, and I could KNOW it’s a bad day. But today was a day where I’m not sure if was a bad day, or a good day, so I suppose I will just post it under a “Day”. This is the first official “day”. The first day where I just feel sort of floaty, unsure of my feelings here at the final hour, and kind of restless. Restless. Now that is the perfect word for my feelings.

I feel restless.

I’ve started reading this book my breakfast homegirl gave me, about the Power of Words and how we can refigure our lives based on the choices we make when describing them. My first task is to take a “snapshot” of my happiness. I decide based upon how I feel about the given states of being. Here are my ratings.

Health:

Physical 85%

Mental 80%

Emotional 75%

Spiritual 70%

Self Worth: 80%

Relationships:

Partner/spouse 80% (because I don’t have one and I feel 80% happy about this)

Family 40%

Friends 80%

Fun: 75%

Creativity: 80%

Learning 80%

Money 50%

Career 75%

Home 95%

Overall Happiness: 75%

I then check off three things that I can change immediately, in the next 24 hours that will help me to increase this percentage. Okay. Easy. Fun: Check-go for a hike. Creativity: Check- paint. Career: Check- get online at ucla Extension and look into scholarships. Okay. Did one of three already. Still have another 16 hours to do the other two, so I will be doing them in the morning. The author, Yvonne Oswald, says that “If (I) want to activate a particular area of my life right now but circumstances do not allow immediate action, then all I change is my perception of it or my belief about it.” Okay, check. The money situation will improve. This I am not really worried about. The family situation will….change. As it already is. I choose to not ponder this reality too much because it is the one thing that actually makes me want to go out and get fucked up. The one thing that really makes me lonely. And angry. And tired. Three of the four things in HALT, (hungry angry lonely tired, can’t be these things). I’ve committed to changing my life, and part of the change involves not stressing myself out. Yvonne says our brains don’t work well with computing negatives. So I am working in the positive. I will remain in the present. The now. And the positive. Because these are things I want.

I also am cutting things out of my vocabulary, so please, help me with this, because it will at first be hard. Actually that is one of the things I am cutting. Instead of “This will be hard” I am going with “This won’t be easy!”  Instead of “That’s bad” I’ll use “That’s not good.” Instead of talking about what I don’t want and have, I must only speak of what I do want to have. So that I can make these things happen. I want to use high energy words, like “Excitement, joy, success and love.” I choose to focus on these things because if I don’t, I will not achieve them. I will use the word “because” so I may answer questions like “why,” which makes my brain happy. I am using “now” so that I may start living now.

I feel the winds of change….changing now. If I am feeling down, I will find the positive of the situation and focus on that because to look at the dark hole I may momentarily experience, I create a memory that will stay with me for a lifetime. Words like “Tomorrow” and “yesterday” must loose their hold over me, because when it is tomorrow, I will think today is yesterday, and will constantly struggle with remembering the day. And I think this is why I’ve been struggling remembering today. Because I feel lost in yesterday, and tomorrow.

Today I woke up and made coffee, smoked cigarettes and looked around the news sites. I sat in Duncan’s home waiting for the stove repair man, went to the Beverly Center with him to look for curtain rods, ate lunch, and then came home to paint a bit. I’ve run out of orange and yellow, both very necessary colors for my current project, so that on hold, my girl JJ came over and we went for a walk after moving her car from illegal parking place to legal parking place. Then it was dinner with Duncan, Kendra and Lukas, the axis of fun from rehab reunited and it feels so good. Saucerton got another walk, still not a poo out of her, said hello to the market man with skull tattoos on his arms, I am very fond of him and all his tattoos, and then back to Duncan’s for a cuppa coffee, a smoke and farewell kisses for the peeps and dogs. Then back to my house, fix the internet (turns out it hasn’t been working all day because I at one point unplugged it to move something, if all problems were as easy to fix….), write here, and then goodnight. All day today, I’ve felt in between. In between life, and life, a purgatory of sorts, where I just float lazily, not reaching out for anything in particular, not holding onto anything dear. Just. Kinda. There.

Here.

If I were with Jilly Beans she would make me do three affirmations. And I would strongly dislike her for it, but would comply.

I am changing for the better.

I am capable and lovable.

I am willing to succeed.

I am…..(going to sleep)

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Posted in: Days