Today was very interesting, and I’ve had a whole barrage of thoughts to contend with, even though the sun has yet to set. I’ve decided to write now, at 5pm (instead of my usual 10pm entry) because I’m hitting the gym in a bit to run off some steam, and then it’s off to meet with the homegirl B for some much needed coffee and talk time. There are many things going on inside my head, and I want more than anything to turn the volume down, to quiet the voices that have been battling in my brain, but this is the nature of the addict, and it’s this incessant chatter that will drive me mad. This is where I’ve come to, from walking Saucy on the beach this morning before therapy with Jilly Beans, from speaking with the homeboy E-Deezy, and from the the battle of my mind.
I read through every single comment left in the past 24 hours, and lord knows there were some comments, many of them I allowed into my heart, many I must give back because they do not resonate. This is the check-in Jilly Beans has me do in my single sessions, and it may be useful to write it out here.
Hi. My name’s Jennie and I’m a sex addict and an alcoholic (Jilly Beans says “hi Jennie”)
The qualities of my addictive and offending behavior are as follows: I am emotionally unavailable to the men I become romantically involved with. I cheat and masturbate compulsively. I participate in anonymous sex via pornography. I use alcohol, drugs, sex and masturbation to numb the feelings I occasionally allow myself to experience.
I have 72 days of sobriety from my inner circle behavior and alcohol/drug abuse.
I am currently attending meetings throughout the week to help me remain sober.
The closest I’ve come to acting out since my last visit is simply in the fantasy of going to a sober party with mr. cute, which I did not attend. I would not have acted out with him because of my vow of celibacy , but due to the fact that the hours we may have spent together are my bewitching hours, I refrained from temptation. Made calls. Went to bed.
I also get a little hit off the comments made on my blog. I am disabling the comment portion available to readers. I didn’t realize I was doing this until it was brought to my attention via a comment from a hurt woman, one that I never intended to hurt. She was right about one or two things, attention seeking is the root of the addiction, along with shame and a lack of self worth, and allowing people to comment at all, regardless of whether it is a positive or negative comment is only fueling my fire.
Things I am doing to remain sober:
Making the blog about my journey, instead of a support system. Going to the gym. Meeting with straight female friends or gay male friends.
Name one person I have hurt as a result of my addiction:
I am lovable.
I am changing my life and behaviors for the better.
I am an imperfect and worthwhile human being.
Now ready to start therapy.