The most wondrous thing happened tonight when I opened my windows. The sound of crickets, people laughing, and music came bursting into my home, my low lit living room, filling from floor to ceiling, piano, guitar, words on the tip of my tongue, moving me to write, to create, to stay awake all night wallowing in self-expression. It will be the very same thing that drives me crazy as I rest my head on the pillow, but for now, it is truly beautiful.
I miss my speakers. At AVN in vegas, I was so fucked up that I forgot my Bose stereo system, left in the room as I ran out, drunk, cocaine filled brain, in stripper heals with a megaphone to my mouth. I called the Venetian a few times asking for them to mail it to me. They said to call back, as nothing had shown up. With this small hurdle, I gave up. Must be gone forever. But really, I’ll never know because I never called back. The things we hold on to always amaze me. The things that keep us up at night, like the eclectic music selection of my neighbors or a lost speaker, dreams from two nights past, or worries of years to come. I need to let go, of life.
My life seems miles away. The old life, the ways, the direction, the focus, it seems light years away. That perhaps it wasn’t even me. But I know it was, I know I played the role-well-and the proof is in my dreams. Two nights ago I dreamt about sex. Sex with people I had already had sex with, one in particular that I really enjoyed having sex with, I left him in Munich when things got a bit too real, too sincere, but he left me there as well. He was the perfect yin to my fucked up yang. I didn’t dream that we were having sex but that we were going to, and I was worried because I hadn’t shaved properly. And I haven’t been shaving properly as it puts me in a strange headspace, I’ve left my favorite avocado shaving cream behind because it helps me transform into Penny Flame, (I know it sounds weird but it’s true, just like eyelashes and 6 inch heels) so it makes sense that I haven’t been shaved properly in my dreams. I worried what he would think, this lack of self care, and then the dream flashed to another time with another boy, and I can’t remember who he is right now, but I know I felt something for him. Because I woke up feeling curious, and parts of the dream have stuck with me since. Just another thing I need to let go. In time child, in time.
And in time more will be revealed. Such as batman and the joker eating Mexican food together while Spiderman threw his spidey web thingies at them from in front of the glass walled restaurant, two ambulances rushing toward and converging at the scene of an emergency that happens to be right where I’m standing on Hollywood Blvd, on my way for ice cream, Spongebob walking home after a hard day of being a sponge, and of course a washed up Marilyn, standing over the shoulders of girls she just took a picture with, trying to see if she did the real Marilyn justice. More will be revealed as I walk down Hollywood Blvd., the drunk girls, the pimps with ho’s in tow, the 14 and 15 year olds sitting in doorways with cornhusk roses trying to hustle a dollar, and then a young fairly fresh girl with a fedora singing her heart out with guitar in hand. I should have given her a dollar. I hope she is there next time I’m back.
A beautiful day in my life, my life away from life, renewed life and renewed eyes and expanded vision and senses fully sensing. The beautiful moments that can make up a day have amounted to this one right now, with sirens outside screaming toward an accident, horns and screeching cats, and the crickets stories below, with nothing to do but chirp. They used to keep me up at night, when I was a child I wanted my Dad to hunt in the bushes to kill the little bastards that would make that noise outside my window. But now it’s a sound I love, something that makes me think I’m not alone, and that maybe at one point tonight, they are just singing me to sleep.