uuuuuugggggghhhhhhh

Posted on June 28, 2009


I am so not ready to go out. Not on a date, not to a club, not on a train or a plane or even in an automobile. I do not want to relapse, on drugs, drink or dick, none of the D’s and tonight, if any, would be the night. So I am locking myself in, and refusing to allow such possibilities. This cannot continue forever. But my string of sobriety cannot and will not end tonight.

I met this seeeeeeexxxxxxxxxxxyyyyyyy ass man a few days ago. NJ. Big. Massive. Fucking sexy. Hung out and chatted with him a bit, told him I don’t drink, am in recovery for sex addiction, even told him about the VH1 show. He called me Jennie the whole time, which was nice, really nice, and we’ve flirted via text a bit here and there. I was going to go out with him last night, but he was tired and headed home, and I was trapped in this bubble of intrigue, already planning on how to get him naked and make him show off his body. Angel Pie told me I was objectifying him. I said I just wanted to see him flex and possibly throw me around like  a pizza. I then agreed that yes, that would be objectification. Fucking Angel Pie.

Then tonight we were going to go out, but once again, I’m feeling a bit naughty. Mischievous at best, terrible at worst, and after a long day at the pool, sunning my b.o.d.y. I feel as though the strength that keeping my hands off him would require is beyond me. I’m also plum tuckered from a day in the sun, from painting and the now typical artistic outlets I’m participating in, and have some “homework” I need to do in order for a meeting that I’ve planned for later in the week to be worthwhile and beneficial. I am setting up my long line of days like domino’s and if NJ even gets near that first one, the whole fucking train will come crashing down. And I’d love it. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE to relapse. For that moment anyway. And then I know the moment would pass, and I’d be back at day 1, instead of day 83. And I kind of like day 83. It’s been a sunny and friend filled day. Day 1 sucks balls. And sucking balls is on the list of things that will wreck my sexual sobriety. So….. wherever that leaves me. I’m left.

But this is the first time in a long time I’ve actually allowed a little planning of the ideal relapse. Club. Maybe a drink. Probably not because I know I’d get too fucked up, and then really not be able to control it, it being myself. But it would start with dancing. If he dances. See, this is fucking retarded I don’t even know if he dances! Okay, time to stop the nonsense. If I really want to kick it with him I will, sometime in the future. Nothing wrong with a little more text flirting and harmless conversation. Decide if it’s actually worth going out and creating possibilities, chances of relapse situations. That’s how normal people do this kind of thing right? They go on a date?

I was speaking with my old accountant Fran, one of my best friends and confidant, and she said normal people go on three dates then maybe a kiss. Up to 6 months before they jump in the sack. Angel Pie asked me at what point I plan on telling men I attempt to go out with that I’m trying for a year of abstinence. I laughed. I said “Probably right before we take our pants off.” She said I should probably tell them a bit earlier. So I’m doing the math and if i were to wait 6 months from today before I fucked anybody then that would put me at 9 months of sexual sobriety, and that’s closest to a year without sex that I’ve ever been. In fact, that pretty much IS a year. It’s like 3/4 a year, and that’s certainly  more than half, and WAY more than a quarter.

And it’s ridiculous conversations like these that remind me of why I’ve chosen to be single and sober. Because I can justify my way in or out of anything. And that is the particular nature of this addict. Reasonably insane. Justifiable nonsensical. Fucking batshit. Because if I did go with my reasons, my first reasons for banging him (see I’ve already moved past the dancing bit it just gets in the way) it’s purely sexual. Hedonistic and raw, the impulses that make me want immediately, and then move on immediately. And I need to develop the tools that make me want to keep people around. Not for like marriage or anything as serious as that, but certainly for a second date. And maybe a third.

Because his would be a nice face to wake up next to more than once.

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Posted in: Beautiful Days