And life begins….

Posted on July 28, 2009


It’s wild to put your whole life on hold for three week time periods, to be followed by camera crews and sound people waiting for a mumbled word, or to wait for clearance from a diner so you can eat whilst being filmed. As a woman who has been in front of the camera for the past 8 years, one would think this is no big deal. But to have the constant stream of video, the constant supervision of the “god cam” and knowledge that there is some person in a room nearby watching your every move is a new thing. Most of the content I’ve filmed is sitting in the Vivid office, waiting to be uploaded, edited and then encoded, and this, this real life filming is strange at first, and then incredibly normal. So normal in fact, that I end up missing the sound guy putting my mic on in the morning, or the first shot of the day where I’m pulling covers over my head to keep from being seen in my morning glory. It’s strange how quickly we become used to that which seems incredibly unusual, and again how quickly we adjust back to our regularly scheduled program.

And I am certainly back to my regularly scheduled program, as regular and scheduled as that may be. If anything, this show has taught me how to tie up loose ends, has helped me begin clearing the wreckage of my immediate past, and situations that used to baffle me now seem trivial and insignificant. Take the past two tickets for example.

The first ticket received 5/29/09 for not having current registration and license plates. Before, as this is not the first time I’ve been ticketed in such a fashion, I would freak out. “How the fuck do you fix that kind of thing???” I would pace around my living room stressed about getting out of trouble, and put it off to the point where I’ve had bench warrants for not attending to the problem, or sillier yet, I’ve just sold the car before the ticket showed up in the system. Now, still driving my superfluous vehicle, it’s incredibly simple…first I go to a dealership and put the plates on. Somebody handles that. Then I go to the sheriffs, and have him sign off, and he does so willingly, then it’s up to the clerk to pay the fine and clear the soon to be warrant. Easy peasy right?

The second ticket is the same. Except there is an additional charge of speeding. So I have the same people who signed off the first ticket sign off the second, and then wait patiently for the letter to arrive from Long Beach CHP. I have all the necessary documents, and all the time in the world to wait. When it arrives, I will sign up for traffic school, and do as I must to make this all go away. No more speeding, all up to date on the nonsense that is driving, and off I go.

Why would this kind of thing baffle me? Is it because I was so high I became overwhelmed at the fine print on the ticket? Is it because I feared going to the sheriffs? Is it because I wanted a bench warrant out for myself so that a rocky bottom would approach quickly? I suppose the why isn’t as important as the now, and now that I know how to handle situations as this, they are handled, in a timely fashion.

Something happened today that I didn’t like, and even though I hate the idea of it, I suppose I must do as suggested, if I am ever going to come to the surface of this process. I went to Jilly Beans and had my little therapy session, and we were talking about boys, well I was talking about boys, and at what point it’s safe to date. And after that point, when am I allowed to kiss them? Or hold hands? Or snuggle or have sex??? These are the things that still baffle me, leave me speechless and confused and without direction. She told me that after the year of dating myself, we would make a list of things I want in a man, and from a relationship.

A list huh? hmmm……. making lists gets me in trouble, but I will do as suggested.

With this list in hand, (metaphorically of course) I will then venture out into the world and start dating not one, but MANY men. This way I do not obsess over just one, and once I have a full pool of potential mates to choose from I may make a decision based on my research. LIke research papers, she says one relationship comes from experiencing many. And I guess it makes sense, you can’t write a research paper with only one source in your bibliography, that’s called plagiarism, but if you note many sources, you’ve written a well rounded and thoughtful paper. But many dates? Many men? She says I must let them pick me up at home, buy me dinner, and then drop me off.

I don’t know about this part.

Actually I don’t know anything about the last part of this whole idea. The thought of dating many men at once seems terrible, frightening and cruel. What, do I just tell them, “Oh by the way, I’m dating like 6 other guys right now, so make sure you’re on top of your game, because my friend, this is a game and you are at risk of being voted off my island.” Or perhaps I say “Yeah, well, we can’t do Tuesday because so and so is my Tuesday night date, and I guess I could switch blah blah blah over to Thursday and we could do Wednesday, but that would put blah blah blah with back to back date nights, and well, I’m just not ready to see any of you more than two nights in a row.” Or worse yet, do I just say nothing of my multiple dating partners at all.

Is this what normal people do? Do normal people date multiple people at once until they find someone they like enough to settle in? Beans also says that I need a plan for when I start dating them. Like if I can see myself married with kids in ten years, then does he fit the profile? If I can only see myself a year in advance, is it okay with him that I think of our invested interest on such a short time frame? And how do you go about deciding right away what you want from somebody in ten years? And what if they don’t want the same thing from you? How the fuck do you go about it then? Break up immediately because it will be a waste of time? What if he has no clue either? Are we meant to be?

I’m obviously not ready to start dating as the thought of her suggestions have left me frazzled and confused. But that isn’t to say there aren’t a couple boys I wouldn’t mind spending time with. There is still Mr. Cute, who is out of town right now, and then a new interest, who is a very sweet funny guy that also lives out of town. I’m not trying or planning on dating either any time soon, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t interested. I would also be lying if I said I felt comfortable at the thought of dating them both at the same time. Just not my style….

There are somethings I cannot let go, still some resistance in my path to recovery. Perhaps this fine print is negotiable.

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Posted in: Good Days