When the night grows lonely

Posted on August 15, 2009


After an amazing trip, one that presented itself as a challenge and positive lesson, my last night has arrived and I decided it best to take to the streets alone, in an attempt to process the emotions that came up over the course of the past couple days, and to see if I can go out on my own and have a good time.

Now it’s no surprise that it’s just not as much fun to rock NYC alone. I wandered Bleeker st for the past hour and a half, finally found a bar with live reggae, settled and drank Shirley temples until I wanted to vomit cherries. I have a feeling that I would have made tons of friends if I’d added some vodka to my Shirley temple, but I also have a feeling I would have thrown up that same cherry vomit on my new friends by drink number 4, and that my night would have ended when I (hopefully) boarded my plane tomorrow at 1pm. I am grateful this is not the way my night is ending, and that I had the luxury of leaving the bar on my own and not on the request of a bouncer.

What is even more interesting than this last night are the events of the past two days. Fun filled, contractually fulfilled and mind blowing if I am to be brutally honest. And I will be…

I wanted to break that stupid fucking contract. I wanted to eat it and then shit it out and laugh at the meaningless poo covered words. But there are a couple things that helped me not break the contract I had formed with myself… The biggest being the man I hung out with that the contract was written about.

He is lovely. Charming, chivalrous, and generous. Respectful, caring and funny. He knew about the contract and didn’t let me do anything that would be out of line. Not even a kiss, which I would have jumped all over. A kiss on the cheek once or twice, and then an arm around the shoulder was as close as I got. I’ve been mulling over the meaning of intimacy and how i still don’t quite understand it, but perhaps there is something under the surface, something that resembles intimacy that happened without me even knowing it happened. And perhaps without him knowing as well, but this is as close as I’ve been in a long time.

We sat and watched a movie after the club and he had his arms around me. One up above my chest- not grazing my breasts as I’ve grown used to- and another arm resting on my own. At one point in the movie I started to fall asleep, and I kissed his arm. He kissed the top of my head. This is as close to intimacy as I know, and he refused to share a bed with me because of the contract, even though I promised to behave, and knowingly felt excited to misbehave. But I slept alone in the bed, he on the couch and the night grew lonely.

In the morning though, there was no awkward moment. If anything, I am grateful to him for being so respectful of this thing I’m doing because I realized throughout the day that no man has ever treated me as he does. And while a large part of that is him, another part involves the changes in my own attitude and how I wish to be treated.

So overall, I give the weekend away a 10. I am excited to return home and dive back into life as I left it, and I’m excited about the developing friendships that have blossomed because of NYC, and the ones that await me in LA.

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Posted in: Good Days