Beginning from scratch

Posted on August 18, 2009


In a different post I mentioned the flood of memories, the things that used to be meaningful to me but over periods of time I lost the drive, the motivation, the enthusiasm that it takes to keep at something. I’d like to discuss my fears here, so that hopefully, by tomorrow, they are dispelled among the electronic waves of the internet.

I’ve danced almost my entire life. Almost from the time I could walk. Trained in ballet, jazz, tap, from the time I was 6 to 12, enrolled in intensive dance classes, and then danced at school and in cheerleading from 13-18. Always a dancer, always enjoyed expressing myself through movement. But looking back, I can recognize when I started to struggle with the moves, and it directly relates to the age I started using drugs. My balance was off. My fouette’s fell left, pirouettes veered to the right. I would topple in my extensions, and become exhausted far too quickly. From 13 on, dance became second to getting faded, and because of that, everything suffered. My memory, my ability to pick up steps in advanced classes, my motivation to continue attending classes. Everything just faded into gray, where it didn’t matter if I couldn’t do four fouettes in a row, or if my spot on the wall was constantly changing. I just quit going. I quit acting like I wanted to go. But I never quit caring. I just didn’t tell anybody.

So as part of recovery, and this is of my own will and decision, I’ve decided to start dancing again. And not like stripping, so don’t worry, but I singed up for a 10pack dance class at a big studio out here and I am attending my first class tomorrow. I’m. Scared. Shitless. I’m afraid that I’ll walk in and everybody will know each other except me. I’m afraid that I’ll fall, and all the kids on the playground will laugh at me. I’m afraid I won’t be as quick to learn as I once was. I’m afraid, more than anything, that I will be mediocre, and that kind of aggression will just not stand dude. I’m afraid afraid afraid, and I don’t want to live in fear. I just want to live.

So to write it all out, write out the fears, the silly little things that have my heart pumping, and to review it all makes me see how retarded these fears actually are. Its like the first day of school, where you know everybody else has a cooler trapperkeeper than you. A more awesome lunchbox, and shinier shoes. It’s like Adam Sandler saying “they’re all gonna laugh at you” and then laughing at that thought, because it really is insane.

Of course people in the dance class will know each other. They probably do this regularly, and have been attending. But I can get to know them. Just like school.

If I fall, I will just get back up. Most people are so concerned with themselves, they tend not to notice others existence. This will work to my benefit.

Of course I won’t be where I left off. But that’s why I bought a ten pack, to get back on track. And you improve with practice. All I need to do is practice. and be attentive.

And the biggest fear? Mediocrity? I will be lousy when I start, and get better. I refuse to be mediocre. I have settled on that cup of tea for long enough, and am sick of it. I want to excel. And I will. I just have to start with one foot in front of the other.

Good thing I have therapy pre class tomorrow…. this is something I’d like to talk out….

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Posted in: Beautiful Days