And this is why I don’t drink anymore….

Posted on August 29, 2009

It’s funny how there will always be some hater that tries to bring you down. Someone who questions your integrity and capacity to be honest just because. I’m actually kind of grateful, because this is a very clear reason for me to continue not drinking. I turn into an icky, yucky, sloppy drunk girl when I drink, and someone here has gone to very long lengths to remind me of who I once was. So thank you…but fuck off. Those days are gone, and videos like the one you’ve uploaded only serve as a reminder to remain steadfast in my purpose. Because I now have a purpose.
I am powerless over alcohol, and my life had become unmanageable. The only thing I can control is not taking that first drink. After that it’s all down hill. I will drink 5 drinks, and then go to a different bar. I will get cut off, and proceed onto the next place, which will also cut me off, and kick me out. I will make out with chicks, guys, whoever is in the way, and I won’t remember any of it. I won’t remember names, places, events, and the only thing that will serve as a reminder is a clip on youtube, Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes of fame, and I will watch it and feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know that most alcoholics are as fortunate as I, to have their drunken mug plastered all over the internet, but while some may feel ashamed, and I may feel momentarily queasy, it is simply a visual reminder of why I cannot pick up that first drink. No matter how terrible or how great the day has been. No matter whether I’m lonely, or afraid, excited or celebratory, my life and addictions have been documented by the fine people carrying camera’s in the street, by sites made to make people momentarily famous, by the huge monstrosity that is the internet. If I ever feel the need to have a drink again, I can click on my iphone, find some footage, and remind myself of the terrible person I become when intoxicated. The messy life that I once led. The shattered pieces of broken my heart.
At first I was a little pissed that some asshole would accuse me of getting drunk and not breaking my onscreen persona. But this is obviously something that will come up….more than once. And it is a perfect example of me having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change anybodies mind about whether or not my sobriety is intact. And really it isn’t any person’s business other than my own. And I know I’m chillin. Going to bed sober tonight, and waking up not hung over tomorrow. My sobriety date is April 6th 2009, and it’s going to stay that way. By the grace of a power greater than myself…