Remember how I said that yesterday, my Ben and Jerry’s sat on the kitchen counter and melted while I watched the Giants/Cowboys game? Well, it sat in the freezer to refreeze, and this afternoon, at this present moment, it is just not the same as it once was. I tried it. And I am not pleased.
In fact, I think Lewis Carroll said it best. “I cannot go back to yesterday-because I was a different person then.” Yesterday I was on my way out.. Today, I feel entirely disconnected. From the universe, from people around me, from myself. I got a parking ticket after my hike, for failing to read the signs. I don’t want to participate in any of the activities that I set up yesterday, and have no excuse other than “I don’t feel like it.” I’ve been forcing myself all day long to participate in life, and it started with opening my eyes. I did not want to open my eyes. But I knew Saucy would have to go potty soon so I did. I did not want to go for a hike, so I made myself. I did not want to go to therapy with Karim, and once again, forced my foot onto the gas, and pointed my car in his direction-and thank god I did. Now, I have dance in an hour and I don’t want to go to that. I don’t feel like keeping my tea date, but I will, and I don’t feel like sleeping or eating, but I must. I couldn’t figure out what was/is wrong with me, why I’m suddenly detaching from the place I’ve been, this awesome place of consciousness and awareness, and thank god I’ve been training myself for a day like this so it’s becoming second nature to just push through it instead of wallow in the joys of being miserably discontent. If I hadn’t been building the muscles, I would not have gone to Karim, and we would not have figured out why exactly it is that I am in such a piss and shit place.
I’m falling back into the PF persona, becoming ready for the weekend in Jersey signing autographs and selling DVDs, my last public appearance as Penny, and in doing so am actually allowing myself to become that girl again. Karim suggested that I think of it as being hired to play a part in a movie. I’m being hired to play the character of Penny Flame, and I will have lines and dialogue and moments where I will be on, and moments where I can let the facade drop, and once the show is over, the character goes back into the box, and I don’t have to play her anymore. I can just be me. I like this idea. The notion of being hired to play a part instead of being hired to become her. There is just too much commitment involved in becoming Penny, especially after I’ve put so much work into becoming Jennie.
So I’m a little frazzled. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t want to go to dance, but I’m going to, because she wouldn’t. I don’t want to keep my date but I am going to because the character wouldn’t. I’m going to write the dialogue and practice my lines, but when I am not practicing, I will just speak my mind and voice my opinions- if they happen to be solicited. I am going to the Jersey Exxxotica Expo to play Penny and sell off the rest of her stuff, but flying there and back I am Jennie. During breakfast, lunch and dinner, I get to be myself.
There is just something different about ice cream once its been melted. You can’t really just stick it back in the freezer and expect things to turn out the same.