On June 29th, 2009, Ian Usher sold his life on eBay. After a terrible discovery, one that left him alone in his house and surrounded by memories of his wife, he decided to sell his life. To sell. His. Life.
Ian was in a very fortunate place, because he actually had things he could sell. I, on the other hand, happen to lease a home and a car, and the only things I could really sell are books, paintings, furniture and ideas. The home and the car would be great to sell but not possible, and people have plenty of books, furniture and ideas. The paintings are going one by one, but something in this idea of Ian’s has me inspired. I am going to swap my life, for that of a New Yorker. Just for a couple months, just long enough to decide if I should move to the east coast and start fresh, clean slate, new new new. There are a few truly enticing things about the east coast. I will share them with you here.
I have a few job opportunities in NY. Nothing big, but a new start, a fresh clean place with a different style of production and perhaps different work ethics. One of the best things, and this may only be my opinion, but one of the best things about New York is that when people want something from you, they tell you. Perhaps it’s in the form of a question: “What can you do for me?” and perhaps it is a general statement: “I want _______ from you.” I like this attitude. As a woman trying to live in a constant state of honesty and integrity, there is something intrinsically appealing about this forthright way of stating needs. As much as I love Southern California, I am tired of hearing “I love it.” or “It’s going to be huge.” and worst of all, “This has real potential.” Enough enough enough. Just tell me yes or fucking no and lets move on with our lives. The fake smile and hope you can do something for me down the line has gotten old, and I’m ready for a life and relationships where I am able to take the horse by the reigns. No more fools gold.
I blend in in New York. I can walk among people, hustle and bustle with the richest and poorest, and we will all ride the same subway. We can buy dirty water dogs from the same vendors, $10 packs of smokes from the same corner market, and hail taxi cabs in the freezing cold weather on the same street corners. No more traffic on the 101, no more waitresses and busboys waiting to become the next Angie and Brad, no more 362 days of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Less botched surgery, less looks sideways, more and more reality. More hard core life. Perhaps I am afraid of how my life will change once the show airs, and I really don’t think being on a VH1 show will warrant attacks by TMZ or people visiting the Walk of Fame, but I do not wish to take any chances. The whole reason I got into porn was so that I wouldn’t be recognized- porn girls never look like they do in films as they do on the streets- and I really don’t want to be bothered. I am enjoying living low, flying under the radar, and NYC seems like the perfect place to continue this flight path.
Chatsworth is not around the corner. There is an overwhelming sense of impending doom every time my money starts to run low. A little voice in my head quietly whispers “You can always just do another scene…..what’s one more scene…” I DO NOT want this to be an option. If I am across the country, that easy money is no longer accessible to me, and the amount of trouble I would have to go through would act as an easy detour. I’ve been out of adult for 6 months now, and the further I get from my last scene, the further I get from being a pornstar and introducing myself as such, the easier it gets and the better I feel. If I really want to start new, I think a change of venue may be an order. Perhaps it is a tall order, but I think my time here is running short.
I want winter. I want snow on the ground, and heavy jackets and gloves and earmuffs. I want to sip hot chocolate by fireplaces and watch snowflakes fall from the heavens. Okay, so this part is a little romanticized, but fuck it. I’m allowed to romanticize the snow, I live in LA and it’s still 85 degrees during the day, and while this isn’t necessarily a complaint, I feel the changes I’ve been going through, feel it in my bones, and I want the seasons to change with me. I’ve booked a flight (crazy cheap deals at Cheapoair.com), to visit in November, to see fall before the onslaught of winter, and to start making some connections for the new year.
I want to start my New Year in a new place. I’ve been in Southern Cali for the past 8 years, and every year has been the same thing. I’ve been complacent in the sunshine. Ran to the car when it’s raining. Smiled when the Santa Ana Winds pick up, and closed the windows when yearly fires blow ashes into my homes. I’ve sang the song, and danced the dance. I want a new melody, and new choreography. It’s possible that once I get there, I’ll change my mind, but I’ll never know unless I go.
I’m restless. I ache for something new. For a challenge. For the sun to rise on a different side of me, and for the world to start earlier. I want new surroundings so that they may inspire me to new feats, I want new streets so I have to find new ways home, I want new sidewalks where people walk and jog and run to their destinations. I am restless. I am….
Going to swap my life. I’m going to call my old adult agent on monday and see if perhaps there is a girl in the business that wants to take over my car lease (no money down, just pick up payments when due and we can switch the paperwork into her name…), I found a young actress that needs to be in LA for a couple months starting in January, and I’m going to give her my home in exchange for hers. I’m going to sleep in her bed while she sleeps in mine, walk her streets while she drives along mine, breathe her air as she (attempts to) breathe mine. I am going to swap my life for that of a New Yorker, just as a test drive, a trial run to see if this restless feeling goes away. And if after a couple months I decide that NYC is just too much, I can come back and pick up where I left off. And if after a couple months I decide that NYC is the place for me, I can come back, pack my shit, and say goodbye to the sunshine that has kept me tan for the past 8 years, and hello to an unknown world and future of a city that never sleeps.
PS…here is my new piece….. “Bleeding Hearts”