Last night I snuggled my animals like I never have before. Sauce slept on my right side, with her head cuddled into my armpit, and kitty slept on my right, occasionally walking over my head to make sure I’m still there. I didn’t realize how much I missed them until this morning, when I didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did, two hours later than I usually do, and the lazy morning was well worth it.
The funny thing about this most recent trip? Of all the trips I’ve taken in my life, I missed my animals the most on this one. I think this is due to a couple different things, the biggest I’ll discuss here.
In using, I’d always kind of resented my animals. I know it sounds terrible, like, how can I resent my cat for being a cat, and needing company and food and water? Or how can I resent Saucy for having to poo in the morning, or be walked in the afternoon? In using, I lived a very selfish, self serving lifestyle, and the animals were great because they served a purpose to me when I needed them. Other than that, they felt superfluous, I felt indebted to them, as if they are somehow infringing on my ability to travel the world unattached, as if it’s this huge inconvenience to have to take care of something.
Ever since I quit using, everything including people, I’ve grown quite close to my furry little creatures. I appreciate them for always needing me, for loving me unconditionally, and it’s made me able to love them unconditionally. I worried about them while I was away, wondered what Sauce was chewing on, or whether kitty was sleeping on the couch or my bed. I found myself missing my furry little creatures like I never have before, and last nights snuggle fest was the icing in the cake. I want to take care of them. I want to provide for them. I want to be a good mom and love them no matter what. This is good progress.
On an entirely different note, albeit a note of progress, something I’ve alluded to but never addressed directly here, one of those “something is going on but I can’t talk about it” is finally something I’m able to talk about. I went on Oprah a little less than a month ago with Dr. Drew to talk about sex addiction and the show. Meeting Oprah is what I’d like to call “the highlight of my career as an addict” because I got to do the show and share how my life has changed, unlike what I would have been doing it for before, which would be “how my life needs to change.” Filming Oprah, and being able to say “I’ve met Oprah” is the coolest thing ever. Fuck traveling the world for free, forget everything else going on, it’s above and beyond my wildest dreams being able to say my sobriety allowed me to meet Oprah. Not only did I get to meet her, but she also high-fived me when I told her I’d been clean for close to seven months and have been out of porn the same amount of time. They told me once I got sober my life would get bigger and better, but I never would have guessed that it would land me on the couch of the most famous and powerful woman in our world, a woman who helped pick the president, a woman who’s touched the hearts of EVERY woman in this country and the world. As we left the studio, she gave us nice little gift bags, with a blanket, a candle and a….journal. I’ve been writing in my Oprah journal ever since I met her, and every time I open it, I am reminded of how my life has changed because of the work I’ve done. Amazing things happen when I take care of myself, and allow myself the love I need and (I’m starting to believe) deserve.
It airs tomorrow afternoon, in it’s regular time slot, and after that, Tyra Banks segment can air, interviews I’ve done with ET and Extra can air, and I’m officially sober in the face of the world. Its a bit of pressure, but I like it, I welcome the challenge of being a positive role model for people and women out there struggling with similar issues. It gives me a small sense of purpose, and a big reason to continue down this road.
The changes I’ve experienced are overwhelming at times, from sitting on Oprah’s couch to realizing that I really love my animals and want to be a good mom to them, and every morning I wake up grateful to be in the wonderful position I am today. Right. Here. and NOW.