I ran down to Dr. Reef Karim’s office today to watch the Oprah segment on Sex Addiction. I figured there is no safer place, or better people to watch with than my very doctory man shrink, his lovely assistant, and in the beautiful room that is my therapeutic place. I’d taken Saucy on a hike, and was running a bit late, figuring they wouldn’t go right into it, but I walked in just as Phil started talking, just missed seeing myself. That’s fine. I know what happened. I also had Deezy Tevo it for me so really it is just fine. And then there’s that thing called the internet, so if I so choose, I can very easily watch myself on Oprah over and over for the rest of my life. Because being able to do so is one of the coolest things I can ever say I’ve been able to do. Oprah high-fived me. I felt confident speaking with her, talking about the place I once was, because I’ve done the work to get me where I am today. I thought the production was fantastic, and Drew is Drew and always does a lovely job in the hot seat. Karim had some interesting things to say, after we watched. None of it had to do with Oprah. Which is fine, because it is time to move on.
He asked me about masturbation, about how often I’m masturbating, saying that it’s fairly regular that it starts infrequently, and then builds and builds until we are right back where we started. I’m right back on the fucking couch watching Law and Order for hours with my Hatachi. Not very productive. I told him I’m about three times a week, I’ve just recently figured out how to do it with my hand, and it’s really quite incredible, I’ve always relied on something that needs batteries or plugs into the wall, but now, my hand is pretty much the most awesome hand I’ve ever seen, and I feel good about that. I told him it’s progress. He laughed. He laughs at me a lot. That’s also fine. I laugh at myself with him.
He said I should do an exercise. Not like a sexual exercise when I’m masturbating, he didn’t advise I do squats or pump iron while I pump myself (hahahahah) but he said I should do a masturbatory psychological analysis. Masturbatory Psychology. Before I masturbate, I need to think about what is motivating me to do so, pause, and perhaps write about it. He knows I like writing. He also knows I’m very impulsive and have a hard time pausing, which is where the word “exercise” comes into play. I must exercise restraint, figure out why I want to jack off, and then if my reason’s are good, carry on. If they are a bit skewed, it’s something we will need to address and it’s that fundamental motivation that is not entirely pure that we need to really look at in therapy. I’m down. So this is something I’ll be adding to the blog. I hope readers don’t mind me analyzing why I feel like masturbating. Actually, I can’t concern myself with what readers think. It’s my recovery blog and goddamnit I’m gonna do it. 🙂
That’s not true. I do appreciate what people are saying, the nice things, the terrible things, the supportive things, and the advice type things all mean a ton to me, so thank you to everyone who contributes and makes this place what it is. I especially like the few commenters that pop up saying how I’m lying to myself, or will fail miserably. If that’d hit me a few months ago, I may have crumbled. But as of today, I am confident in who I am as Jennie, and although it’s a day by day adventure, and I’m always realizing things about myself, I understand that the majority of ones negativity stems from how they feel about themselves. I do the same thing. I project like it’s my job, but the more and more aware I am of this tendency, the more able I am to change. I don’t want to be a reactive person. I want to be proactive. And I think taking on the motivation behind my newfound masturbation skills is totally proactive.
I masturbated today for a few different reasons. One, there is a boy that I’ve been flirting with, and we flirted a bit by text and even though it wasn’t anything nasty, it was fun and left me a bit excited. I was also excited about everything going on right now, just emailed my finished first chapter to my agent and she says she likes it and can’t wait to hear more. I’m having some really cool idea’s about how to format my memoir, and feel as though it’s a totally new and different way of approaching a memoir, and this made me excited as well. I suppose it didn’t make me sexually excited, but these things coupled with the flirty flirty flirt flirt with the boy and there you go. Well, I guess it would be there I go.
Okay, fantastic, now that is out of the way. What should we talk about next? Jesus, I don’t know how to follow that up. Oprah and a confession of why I masturbated today, with a little gratitude for the commenters sprinkled on top. Interesting post today Jennie.
Well, that’s because it’s been an interesting freaking day.