Every morning when I wake up, I hop on the internet, check out the news and then surf my way over to blogland, my morning place of remembrance, the place where I begin to sort out my day, or in some cases, tie it up with a big bow. This morning a comment came up that I realized I never addressed, and figure now is as good a time as any.
When I first quit the adult business, I had intended upon directing still, figuring that it would be no problem in the face of my recovery. As it stands, I still support the business as a whole, think it brings joy to a ton of people and can create a closeness between woman and man that can’t be found many other places. It’s hot being able to watch porn with your wife or husband, and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s fine masturbating to pornographic images, of course until you have totally lost control and end up in your house for hours and hours never seeking sunlight. But this doesn’t happen to everyone, just like not everybody who has a drink is an alcoholic, and as much as I’d like to say it’s alcohols fault I’m an alcoholic, we all know that isn’t true. I know that isn’t true. So what is true?
When I first quit I was afraid to make the complete cut. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find other ways of making money, afraid that my worth and value was to remain eternally in the c-light of a porn flick. So I planned on directing still, because that would be a good fall back career. Easy. I know what I’m doing on a porn set, I’ve been on enough. And while that plan has changed, obviously by all the amazing things that have started popping up in my life, it is still available to me, and if I felt one day that I wanted to direct a porn, I would do so. That being said.
I won’t be directing porn as a way of making money. I’ve been asked, “What do you do to make money now?” and that is a very good question. What the fuck am I going to do? I’ve been praying for the fear of financial insecurity to leave me, and while I don’t worry about it as I used to, that fear being one of the big reasons I started adult in the first place, it still crops up from time to time. What am I going to do. Well, first I’ll talk about what I have been doing, and then what I plan to do next.
Because I had the good fortune to participate in a filmed rehab, I also had the fortune to get a nice little chunk of change that would help me to focus on my recovery. That is what I’ve been doing the past 7+ months, focusing on recovery. Part of that is focusing on what I’d like to do next. I dabbled in singing a bit, recorded a song and then decided music is not the way for me. Yes, I love music. Yes, I love to sing. Yes, I am very capable. But I don’t want to spend my life on tour in clubs and dealing with that kind of lifestyle. I was going to direct films, porn films, but again, that is just a fall back plan. Like, if I’m afraid I won’t be able to pay rent perhaps I’ll go and do that. But the truth of that statement is that I don’t really care enough about the finished product to participate in creating it. It would just be a paycheck. I want to do something I can’t stop thinking about, something that wakes me up at 4am (whattup brothaman), something that consumes me to the point where describing it is like Robert Frost taking the less traveled path. I want to write for a living, as a vocation, because I bleed words, and that makes me feel alive.
So what am I doing now that funds are low? Well, fortunately, people have been helping me out. Between the tip jar, which has received very generous donations, selling my artwork, and selling off some old Penny Flame things, I’ve been able to pay all my bills on time and not be concerned about where I’m going to get my next dollar. The donation station hasn’t been enough to survive, but it has been enough to eat and for that I’m grateful. I’ll admit I’m a little worried about how I’ll pay rent for December, but I have faith that it will work out. I just sold “Stars over Frisco” as well as one of my AVN awards, and the money from that will be going directly to my landlord.
You may ask “Well then if you’re worried about rent how the fuck have you been doing all this traveling?” and that is another good question, a question where my good fortune comes into play. The vast majority of my recent travels has been paid for by the kind folks over at VH1, because most of my travel revolved around doing press for the show. The Mexico cruise I bought myself, at a great price, right after I got out of rehab. It was a gift for Angel’s birthday, to show my thanks for her support as a friend through this time of uncertainty. Things seem to fall into place when I don’t worry about them, I’ve never not been able to pay my rent, and I just have to tell myself that now I’m doing the right thing for myself that won’t be something that changes.
Future plans? I’m almost finished with my proposal and once that’s completed I’ll be able to go publisher shopping and hopefully receive an advance that will hold me over until the book is published and bringing in money. I have an opportunity to blog for the Huffington Post (which just came about last night!!!) and if that doesn’t bring in money I’m not concerned because it will get my name out there, and open the doors to other paying gigs. I’m formulating another idea for a reality TV show, and that is something that may bring in money. I still have my Penny Flame site, and while that doesn’t bring in enough money to survive, it certainly helps. I have another check coming from the taping of Sober House, and again that will help. And biggest of all, if all of these things fail, I have good friends that know I’m good for it, offer help and part of my recovery is not being afraid of asking for help, even if it’s something I don’t want to do. So what does all this mean?
It means that I have faith everything will work out. It means I can’t concern myself with how little money I have, or where my next meal is coming from because it won’t help my situation. I can make plans, push that they go through, but I can’t worry day and night about my financial situation because it won’t change it. It will only stress me out and make me want to use. Nothing makes me want to get more fucked up than the notion that I’ll end up homeless if I don’t get back into porn. So I put it aside, give the fear to something higher than myself, and trust that today I have enough, and am satisfied.
Besides, my life has been changing in such a fast way, the worries of today become the jokes of tomorrow. It’s been fine up to now, and there is no reason for it not to be fine tomorrow too.
That being said, I’m contemplating putting on my Mad Hatter costume and hitting Hollywood Blvd for some spare dollars. I’ve never seen the Mad Hatter down there hustling, and Mama needs coffee. 🙂