Every morning when I wake up, I hop on the internet, check out the news and then surf my way over to blogland, my morning place of remembrance, the place where I begin to sort out my day, or in some cases, tie it up with a big bow. This morning a comment came up that I realized I never addressed, and figure now is as good a time as any.
When I first quit the adult business, I had intended upon directing still, figuring that it would be no problem in the face of my recovery. As it stands, I still support the business as a whole, think it brings joy to a ton of people and can create a closeness between woman and man that can’t be found many other places. It’s hot being able to watch porn with your wife or husband, and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s fine masturbating to pornographic images, of course until you have totally lost control and end up in your house for hours and hours never seeking sunlight. But this doesn’t happen to everyone, just like not everybody who has a drink is an alcoholic, and as much as I’d like to say it’s alcohols fault I’m an alcoholic, we all know that isn’t true. I know that isn’t true. So what is true?
When I first quit I was afraid to make the complete cut. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find other ways of making money, afraid that my worth and value was to remain eternally in the c-light of a porn flick. So I planned on directing still, because that would be a good fall back career. Easy. I know what I’m doing on a porn set, I’ve been on enough. And while that plan has changed, obviously by all the amazing things that have started popping up in my life, it is still available to me, and if I felt one day that I wanted to direct a porn, I would do so. That being said.
I won’t be directing porn as a way of making money. I’ve been asked, “What do you do to make money now?” and that is a very good question. What the fuck am I going to do? I’ve been praying for the fear of financial insecurity to leave me, and while I don’t worry about it as I used to, that fear being one of the big reasons I started adult in the first place, it still crops up from time to time. What am I going to do. Well, first I’ll talk about what I have been doing, and then what I plan to do next.
Because I had the good fortune to participate in a filmed rehab, I also had the fortune to get a nice little chunk of change that would help me to focus on my recovery. That is what I’ve been doing the past 7+ months, focusing on recovery. Part of that is focusing on what I’d like to do next. I dabbled in singing a bit, recorded a song and then decided music is not the way for me. Yes, I love music. Yes, I love to sing. Yes, I am very capable. But I don’t want to spend my life on tour in clubs and dealing with that kind of lifestyle. I was going to direct films, porn films, but again, that is just a fall back plan. Like, if I’m afraid I won’t be able to pay rent perhaps I’ll go and do that. But the truth of that statement is that I don’t really care enough about the finished product to participate in creating it. It would just be a paycheck. I want to do something I can’t stop thinking about, something that wakes me up at 4am (whattup brothaman), something that consumes me to the point where describing it is like Robert Frost taking the less traveled path. I want to write for a living, as a vocation, because I bleed words, and that makes me feel alive.
So what am I doing now that funds are low? Well, fortunately, people have been helping me out. Between the tip jar, which has received very generous donations, selling my artwork, and selling off some old Penny Flame things, I’ve been able to pay all my bills on time and not be concerned about where I’m going to get my next dollar. The donation station hasn’t been enough to survive, but it has been enough to eat and for that I’m grateful. I’ll admit I’m a little worried about how I’ll pay rent for December, but I have faith that it will work out. I just sold “Stars over Frisco” as well as one of my AVN awards, and the money from that will be going directly to my landlord.
You may ask “Well then if you’re worried about rent how the fuck have you been doing all this traveling?” and that is another good question, a question where my good fortune comes into play. The vast majority of my recent travels has been paid for by the kind folks over at VH1, because most of my travel revolved around doing press for the show. The Mexico cruise I bought myself, at a great price, right after I got out of rehab. It was a gift for Angel’s birthday, to show my thanks for her support as a friend through this time of uncertainty. Things seem to fall into place when I don’t worry about them, I’ve never not been able to pay my rent, and I just have to tell myself that now I’m doing the right thing for myself that won’t be something that changes.
Future plans? I’m almost finished with my proposal and once that’s completed I’ll be able to go publisher shopping and hopefully receive an advance that will hold me over until the book is published and bringing in money. I have an opportunity to blog for the Huffington Post (which just came about last night!!!) and if that doesn’t bring in money I’m not concerned because it will get my name out there, and open the doors to other paying gigs. I’m formulating another idea for a reality TV show, and that is something that may bring in money. I still have my Penny Flame site, and while that doesn’t bring in enough money to survive, it certainly helps. I have another check coming from the taping of Sober House, and again that will help. And biggest of all, if all of these things fail, I have good friends that know I’m good for it, offer help and part of my recovery is not being afraid of asking for help, even if it’s something I don’t want to do. So what does all this mean?
It means that I have faith everything will work out. It means I can’t concern myself with how little money I have, or where my next meal is coming from because it won’t help my situation. I can make plans, push that they go through, but I can’t worry day and night about my financial situation because it won’t change it. It will only stress me out and make me want to use. Nothing makes me want to get more fucked up than the notion that I’ll end up homeless if I don’t get back into porn. So I put it aside, give the fear to something higher than myself, and trust that today I have enough, and am satisfied.
Besides, my life has been changing in such a fast way, the worries of today become the jokes of tomorrow. It’s been fine up to now, and there is no reason for it not to be fine tomorrow too.
That being said, I’m contemplating putting on my Mad Hatter costume and hitting Hollywood Blvd for some spare dollars. I’ve never seen the Mad Hatter down there hustling, and Mama needs coffee. 🙂
crd
November 24, 2009
“writers do not write because they love to write they write because they have to write…” I think that is how it goes…, It good that you “bleed” words (great way to put it); your writing style has a great flow. Can’t wait to see what you have to say on the Huffington Post. Have a great holiday!
Dave Doolin
November 24, 2009
You know, I never heard of Penny Flame until VB’s article. But I’m sucked into your story. I bleed words too.
Go get that coffee and let’s see some pics of the Mad Hatter in action.
Homeless is a state of mind.
Dave Splash
November 24, 2009
Having money is overrated anyway.
MJ
November 24, 2009
Until you’re living on the street and starving?
Trinity Darkfold
November 24, 2009
Writing could be your outlet, did you consider writing screenplays/scripts or directing romance movies?
Try to think: writing + directing – porn
DCV
November 24, 2009
F’n A! I’ll donate coffee for a week! (How can we do that? seriously.)
I’ve gotten more than that from the inspiration from this blog. To think someone who was a big deal changing her life for the better is phenomenal. Don’t know many with that courage and motivation.
cnc
November 24, 2009
I didn’t know who you were until I started watching the VH1 show. The show is amazing and I know I’m not just speaking for myself when I say that the show helped me realize some of my own issues about sex/relationships. Your story is incredible and your strength is super inspiring. Thanks for putting yourself out there, it’s made me want to be a better person and a better girlfriend. I’m looking forward to reading you in the Huffington Post.
The Cat Man
November 24, 2009
You are really a very good writer. I would stay away from Huffington Post though unless you want to turn into a fat slob like Alec Baldwin…just sayin’.
Meyhem
November 24, 2009
Now, now, Greg Guttfield got his start there. (Hey Jennie, bet if you ask he will put you on Red Eye in a heartbeat.)
Bytor
November 24, 2009
Actually, Jennie, you don’t bleed words . . . you bleed passion for everything you hold dear, and you choose to let that passion out IN words . . . . which, might I add, you do with such aplomb that its a small wonder you haven’t already made a fortune doing it somehow!—- Have ya’ thought about writing treatments for screenplays, stage performances, one-person performance pieces and the like??? – – – Doing stuff like that can always help hone your craft into a fine art and lead you into better paying gigs!!!!
Paul
November 24, 2009
You are an amazing writer, I have been reading your blogs since I seen the show and found out about your website here. I love the way you express yourself, a no holds bared put it all on the table way. Keep up the great writing looking forward to your next post.
tears.t
November 24, 2009
JK,
I do not want to be a downer but your association with your former industry really does not sound all that healthy.
Sounds like a recovering addict who likes his dealer because of all the high times.
Sometimes you sacrifice the ability express your feelings clearly all in the name of being non-judgemental. Please, that is too much of a price to pay.
Your story is amazing. Your are a great writer because there is real humanaity in your story. Real redemption. It is glorious. Always rememeber, in redemption there is the former life and in the former life there are some bad people…even those who seem to have decent intentions. all the best to you
Geo
November 24, 2009
I knew of Penny Flame, had seen a few of her films, but I’m much happier reading Jennie Ketcham. Now there’s a woman with something to say! Thank you most kindly, Ms K., for putting away the Penny mask (or masque if you want to get hyper-mega-maxi sophisticated about it, or just have some fun)and letting Jennie be Jennie again. Reading as you relate your discovery of who you are is an incredibly wonderful experience, one which I suspect many of us who have put up walls or trowled on masks to hide can relate to. But isn’t it great, in a weird sort of way, seeing how you can make a little go a long way, digging deep to make rent or find buried happiness or contentment? Paz, Ms K. Have a great day!
kdunivan
November 24, 2009
Don’t know what to say or how to start. I have been sitting here for about 30 minutes trying to think of how to start this off.
I have been a big admirer of yours for quite some time. I remember you coming into the adult business and thinking wow….this girl is a knockout. I never knew that you started with just women though. Is this true and does it have anything to do with what happened to you? I am very sorry that you had to enter into the adult industry with that frame of mind. Could have contributed to the way you are feeling now. All guys aren’t bad….just some of them.
I too am addicted to sex and porn. My story started in my childhood and there are issues that I am not going to discuss in public right now. And no, I am not twisted or anything. I understand my addiction and actually kinda like it.
However, having someone like you to talk to could help me feel better. I do feel like an outsider sometimes and feel like no one understands me. Which in turn makes me question myself.
Something made me wake up last night and watch Sex Rehab. Never seen the show before and I was dead asleep. I always leave the TV on at night to help me sleep. The stories really moved me to the point of staying up the rest of the night researching how I could contact you. I couldn’t believe that you were actually on this show–with Dr. Drew of all people. It seemed surreal to me.
I would really really love to have you as a pen pal. I absolutely love to write and will be a writer one day. I can guarantee that I will be a staple here now so get used to me. I used to have a few pen pals but they have all left me for other real men.
Have a great day girl! Everything WILL get better. Believe!
greybeard
November 24, 2009
Hi, Jennie,
I noticed your use of words and phrases, such as “praying”, “faith”, and “give the fear to something higher than myself”, that are often associated with a traditional belief in an omnipotent God.
Are you finding that your spirituality is evolving from what it was when you wrote your “Porn Made Me Do It” blog back in May?
C
November 24, 2009
If your plans don’t work out may I suggest photography. Directing & photography sometimes go hand-in-hand, you may find that you’re a natural at it.
rocks4brains
November 24, 2009
Were you just in San Francisco yesterday having lunch at Houston’s?
Jonathan
November 24, 2009
I remember as I read through your blog I wondered how your feelings toward the industry would change. It seemed like directing would feel awkward, particularly after the convention. It is only natural. Your feelings about the industry probably didn’t stay the same while you were in it, why would they lock in now when your life is changing a dozen different ways. Thanks for the update.
As I read through the comments, it seems like we all put forth a little bit of our own agendas. I know I do it even though I consciously try not to (Oh no! Another failure!). You seem to navigate through it all pretty well.
I hope things keep going well for you. It is pretty ironic to be on Oprah and yet worried about the rent. Maybe you could put on the costume and head to Chicago to hustle outside her studio.
Jonathan
November 24, 2009
BTW, but I am dying to hear about that first day in Rehab and how the change came. You went from bringing Penny Flame with you (almost literally packed in your suitcase) to being totally committed to recovery in, like, a day. There must be something to be mined out of that time. I imagine it will be an important part of the book, and you might be saving it for that, but if not . . . . do tell.
Christopher
November 24, 2009
I love reading your blog. This is a fight for many people. I have wanted to quit my day job for a long time now. I tease with my wife that she should be my sugar mama (http://www.csdaley.com/2009/11/sugar-mama-part-deux.html) but no love there.
Just keep at it. Know that people are reading and enjoying. The book proposal will sell. You are garnering a lot of fans with this blog.
I shall venture over to the tip jar and leave some funds. If I am going to keep the day job I might as well make use of it.
Pamplemousse
November 24, 2009
Jennie,
It is strange writing a comment on your blog. You old screen name is the only porn star name I can remember and the reason is that I was utterly convinced by your acting. The reason I have not absorbed more porn is that I find something lacking… believability I think. That and like sports, I’d rather be participating than watching.
This is a long winded way of saying that I think you are a fine actress. That of course does not guarantee income, but you have a compelling personality from the press I’ve seen of you lately. Whatever your past, perhaps many of those skills can pass on to less pornographic ventures. I’m fairly sure that other than the content being filmed, a set is a set.
I am enjoying you blog and, without intending to sound creepy, I would certainly offer you a coffee. No one should ever have to go without a coffee.
April
November 24, 2009
Something will come up. From what I’ve read and seen on the show, you are a very strong woman with an amazing ability to land on your feet. You’re a survivor. If you got through all of that other shit, you’ll get through something like this.
I’m glad to see you blogging and writing. You’ve got some great stories and you’ve probably got a lot of life lessons that you could share with others. I can totally see you putting that to good use.
Just know that you have the support of not only your friends but people like me, total strangers, who feel the same things you feel.
B
November 24, 2009
Jennie – Thanks for sharing the “additional information,” but please don’t feel you have to explain how you are supporting yourself or your financial situation to anybody. I really respect your honesty and openness, but hope you don’t feel you owe anyone an explanation. Love your writing & sharing. So glad I stumbled upon your blog. 🙂
Kevin
November 24, 2009
I’ve been watching Sex Rehab on VH1 and I stumbled upon your interview with Oprah. You came off so emotionally naked and vulnerable. I’ve had to really dig through my past as well and polish off what’s salvageable and throw away what I have to. Watching you Jennie, be so candid and re-assemble your sense of self is truly inspirational. Be well,
Kev
B
November 24, 2009
p.s. Congrats on the Huffington Post blog offer! 🙂
Tom Calderone
November 24, 2009
Hey Miss Jennie!
Wow, if you can get a good agent or start learning who to reach out to you’ve got a budding career as a writer and maybe depending on your abilities a workable tv show. Talk to Oprah’s people about her newly launching TV station about some type of position. Definitely keep up with the HuffPo and other major blogs. They will pay you decent money(if you remember what this is from pre-porn pay, heh). Physically write down what you’re going to attempt to accomplish in the next few years. I kind of question doing any more VH1 shows, since that shows something completely different than what you’ve wrote on the blog.
Found the blog from watching the show and getting interested in sex addiction from a psychological stand point. So far it’s been fairly interesting but it also seems from the editing that at least your own specific triggers/problem is like this really simple thing when in actuality it’s probably way more complex.
I haven’t got a chance to read through all your blog entries but I’m curious what you think on the subject of people getting to know you ever so slightly better than they did from Sex Rehab, then seeking out your porn to pleasure themselves with? I just faintly heard of your porn name, Penny Flame, in the past but never remember watching anything. Since you’ve come to attention I decided to do a search at hqvid.com to see if they had any of your videos up, and they had about 20 intensely erotic lesbian scenes you’ve done including at least two when you had what appears to be freckles from suntanning. Your passion; Your obsession certainly plays out and I have noticed the same spark in a few other performers.
Lance
November 24, 2009
Jennie, as it was already said you do not have to explain to us how you are surviving because it is none of our business. You are very open though and this will no doubt show those who think Jennie has no plan for where she is headed how wrong they are.
I had already figured that the shows that you were on or were about to be on had sprung for the travel bills. A couple of days away on a ship is great therapy and one you should enjoy in your dreams for a long time.
Don’t worry about the Huffington Post and getting fat. That is what happens to guys like Alec Baldwin who sit on their rear end and remember that they used to have a big career.
Chloe
November 24, 2009
I was actually wondering why you added back the comment section? I recall that you removed it after some woman at a meeting said you were feeding off the comments. I would be interested in a post responding to why you think that the comments are not doing any harm, etc.
Jena
November 24, 2009
first off i will agree with everyone that you are a beautiful writer(and honest, i appreciate that in a person). secondly, i just wanted to let you know that you’re inspiring. i’m 17 years old and i have faced so many of the same things you have in your life that it’s acually fucking scary haha. it must feel so crazy that people watch and read all these stories about you around the world that you don’t even know and yet they feel so connected to you. i feel like you’re just retelling my most darkest, dreaded segments of life. i just cry everytime i watch sex rehab, because you say everything i can’t. your a strong, beautiful woman & admire the hell out of you.<3
Tom Calderone
November 24, 2009
Jena if you live in any moderately decent sized city in a Western nation you can get a lot of completely free help with any issues you have. Don’t wait till you’re 18 since it becomes much harder, especially in the US.
You’ve got literally nothing to lose by talking to some psychologists. At worst you gain nothing. At best you set your sights on a life not filled with the problems that you’re going through.
Jonathan
November 24, 2009
Yes, Jena, you can. You are strong too. Find a group. ❤
TJ
November 24, 2009
I like the way you write, and what you write. I hope your memoir gets published because I want to read it. I’m curious about your take on the direction your life took and is taking. Think about it must have been like before psychology and psychiatry. Kind of like what medicine was like before antibiotics and anesthetic. Harsh! Life was tough (still is) but there weren’t too many choices. Just suffering in anonymity. So different now. All the best. I enjoy reading your blog and watching the show.
sexy sadie
November 24, 2009
you’ll be able to clean up ($$$) with this ‘getting klean’ crap …
even if the statistics show that is all hokum!
Eric H.
November 24, 2009
I am amazed by how good a writer you are. Seriously I’m not trying to kiss ass, I saw you on Oprah and typed your name in a search engine and read all your blogs in the last couple of days. Even as Penny in your myhotmess blogs over a year ago you were demonstrating good writing skills. All the best with your memoir, as I will look forward to reading it. I am a published fiction writer (albeit still need a day job to pay the bills) with two novels published and over thirty short stories and poems. You have skills when it comes to writing Ms. Ketcham, please don’t abandon them. You’re also a skilled artist and I can see you designing your own book cover someday if you decide to write fiction. This is a shout out from Lo-Cal, otherwise known as San Diego!
Take care.
Ron
November 24, 2009
I am really happy that you have found satisfaction in life, you are a great example to everyone. 🙂
Joe
November 24, 2009
Oh my God, you just don’t get it… At all. You need to look at the commonality of your fellow porn females….what brought you all to porn. The short version is: Damage. Lots of damage. I can’t believe that you can publicly say that porn is still OK.
Peter Holden
November 24, 2009
Let’s see… your good with your voice… have words spilling out of you… a wicked personality…
I think a “Radio Career” is your calling Jennie. (You held yourself very well on The Gentleman’s Club podcast by the way)
P.S> DAMN, I wish my check came fast enough, I wanted to by “Stars over Frisco” – BUGGER!
Anthony
November 24, 2009
God bless you and good luck.
Ryan
November 24, 2009
You could always get a job at Robeks or even get a roommate.
Rock Grrrl
November 24, 2009
I feel like I’m really getting to know you through the show and this blog, and I find you such an inspiration! We all have our own issues, and can learn so much from each other’s struggles and triumphs. I love the “exercise” idea, and I’m going to start using it myself for my own problem behaviors.
Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us, and for being so open and honest! I love you and respect you, and wish you all the best!
Mrs. Scott
November 24, 2009
Strangely, I’ve been reading this blog before anyone even knew it existed yet. I used to be in the sex industry too and a good friend spends a lot of time in cyberspace helping me and other exes find other women who “used to be” too. He found you so fast I couldn’t believe it.
Anyway, a couple of things Jennie. For the most part, I have really enjoyed your writing. It is very fluid and honest. I love some of the unusual expressions you have used. I also have laughed out loud a few times reading your stuff and I really appreciate that. I also respect how you have documented your changing feelings about various things. It happens.
My journey and yours have much in common so I feel a bit of a kinship with you.
I’m a former user of alcohol, drugs and people too.
I have to respectfully disagree with your views on porn being perfectly acceptable though. Your analogy about porn and alcohol doesn’t really jive because there is a factor in porn that there isn’t in drinking. With alcohol, you use the substance. With porn, you use a person. Using a person, even if they have agreed to it, is what ultimately is so messed up about the world right now. It dehumanizes. Makes that person just about meeting our needs. We use each other for our own satisfaction to no end. For orgasm, for money, for attention, whatever. There are rarely moments of sacrifice for others. Only when we stop thinking always about our precious selves and start sacrificing the things that dehumanize others will we see any progress at all.
I know the porn business intimately Jennie and it is a business that runs around drugs, murder, and extreme selfishness and cruelty. I also know that many many people IN the business are not evil or cruel but are actually kind and giving and creative. But most are trapped so deeply in so many ways that they can’t begin to fathom how they can possibly get out of that misery soaked world alive.
Also, what Chloe asked- why did you put the comments back on?
Praying for us all.
graycloud
November 24, 2009
keep moving…keep writing…i wish you all the best, and will help whenever i can. thanks for sharing.
Lorie
November 25, 2009
Heya 🙂
I found this site on Facebook that claims you can make money via writing on their site. http://hubpages.com/ It may or may not work, but if you love to write… what harm could it do to give it a shot?
Take care ❤
Jason
November 25, 2009
Jennie is a state of mind. That is the path before you.
Rox1SMF
November 25, 2009
Penny Flame may have been a persona, but the intelligence and comedic talent of Jennie Ketcham always shone through. I think you’ll succeed no matter which way you ultimately decide to focus your ambition.
Throughout the years I’ve watched more porn for work (hey, someone’s gotta cut clips for TGPs!) than for personal entertainment, and in fact the few DVDs I actually own I have because they were the work of one friend or another AND are worth watching for reasons OTHER than the sex scenes. I can be in a black depression or thunderous rage and watching the “Bullshit Alert” skit will bring me out of it – laughter IS good medicine!
You’re a fine actress with excellent comedic timing, and I’ve no doubt you could have a great career in TV or film. You’re also a passionate and articulate writer, which means you can choose something close to your heart and bleed your words… to say something that must be said, to make positive change in the world, to help others in some way, and hell YES, to pay the bills!
Take good care, Miss 🙂
Jared
November 25, 2009
You are an incredibily strong willed person! What a change in perspective. Just as you have already promised yourself, I promise you that everything will fall into place, including your financial struggles. Just hold on to the desire to continue to change your life for the better, and I promise you will make it. Your an example and role model to me and your story makes me know that I can overcome my own issues. Your Awesome Jennie!
Mike
November 25, 2009
Well glad that you are still staying positive. Would be glad to help sometime with coffee. I have a feeling that this will be a great Thanksgiving for you. Stay safe and strong.
Pete Schult
November 26, 2009
Glad to hear you’re solvent; I had some of those same questions. And best wishes on your career as a writer. I can’t wait to buy your book.
pondosinatra
November 26, 2009
How is it people like Jenna Jameson and Jesse Jane have become rich and famous and you haven’t? My God they are horrid and you are so beautiful both to look at and as a person.
Sometimes life isn’t fair.
christalball
December 3, 2009
word the fuck up, Jennie! again, i believe in you, and i wish you nothing more than more and more positive experiences. as long as you keep your resolve and beautiful head up, you will never fail. keep up the good work and keep being true to yourself.