Every year around this time, I find myself working as much as humanly possible to ensure a plethora of gifts for my family come Christmas time. I also overload on the work because typically, during the holiday season and January, the adult business shuts down as a whole, people taking time off from shooting porn to spend with loved ones, prepare for the AVN awards, and come down from the insane high that week in Vegas leaves us with. December and January are classically slow for porn, and I always liked to shoot as much as possible because you never know when your next pay day will be.
I also got into the habit of overdoing it on the presents thing, and black friday always put me in the red, although I’d make it up the next shoot or two. I’m not sure why I felt the need to be so extravagant with the gifting process, I’d drop 5 bills on my sister, same with my brother, 3 or 4 on mom, etc, I found myself over compensating in the gift arena because I lacked in the good friend/sister/daughter arena. This year, I am a bit concerned because I won’t be living up to the years past. In fact, my family will be lucky if they get macaroni art from me~ it would be cute but certainly not up to the standards I’ve created.
Every year since my 18th birthday, I’ve loved Black Friday, in fact, loved it long before I had money to spend. I remember being a kid and going shopping with my mom, we were an incredible force to be reckoned with, she would distract the shopping and sale crazed women while I crawled under their legs to the unbelievably discounted wrapping paper, or that giggling fucking Elmo. Distract and attack. That was our game plan. We executed it perfectly, and at no point did it occur to me that this aggressive manner of shopping would be setting me up for a future of unsound money spending, thrift never was my middle name, Nordstroms always my favorite store. Even at 5, I knew driving directions to Nordstroms for when Grandma came into town. I also knew my way to the Penguins FroYo spot. Some things just don’t change.
This year, it’s all changed. I am spending black friday in my home, writing my first blog for the HuffPo, and revising the proposal I plan on shopping come January. A small part hasn’t changed, for instance, I’m still up for AVN awards (best instructional and supporting actress), but the larger parts are different. I will not be buying anybody excessive gifts this year. In fact, I may just paint and create each gift, hopefully the thought and love I put into each piece will make my family happy, let them know how much they mean to me. I will not be fucking as many people as humanly possible to make sure I have food on the table come January, although I will be working non-stop on the proposal and first chapter, and will be doing my best to hustle some artwork and formulate the foundation for a new project I’d like to take on. No, this Holiday season will be best spent creating and focusing on the relationships I’ve neglected for years past. I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea that Dad may get an up to date glazed clay handprint, but maybe that will be the best present I can give. It certainly has more meaning behind it than anything else I can think of. And I know he would understand. He’s a good Dad.
On a side note, I met a really cute guy about a week ago, and just got his number. Kinda funny. Don’t really know how to approach it from there. I’m obviously not going to jump into sex, and I know that’s not what he’s going for, but it’s just funny to be getting a guys number after a week, this slow introduction thing, this building friendships thing, the possibility of dating thing…. it’s all very foreign to me. On the night we met, he mentioned that he’d gone on a date with a broad who claimed to be a writer, albeit an unemployed one, and in my head all I could think about was… “Whoa… people really do go on dates before they fuck each other. And if the date doesn’t work out, they don’t bang!” I’m constantly learning more. hahahah. Such a tard.
Anyway, I’m going back to proposal land and then will spend my afternoon riding on the Metro and interviewing people for my HuffPo blog. It’s not a paying gig, but at this point, I really don’t care. They’re gonna let me put a link to my site and that is plenty for me. Never mind the fact that having my words published on the Huffington Post would make me an official writer. Sick. Super sick.
I guess the overall point of my post today is that I’m trying to embrace this holiday seasons with new eyes, new arms and a new respect toward my wallet and the money I pull out of it. I don’t think it’s necessary anymore to show my family and loved ones I love them by showering them with superfluous gifts. I think perhaps, some macaroni art and a glazed hand will suffice. I know I don’t want anything more than that. Just some quality time with the folks that mean the most, and this will officially be the happiest holiday I’ve ever had.