Frustration Station

Posted on November 28, 2009

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Hi, my name is Jennie, I’m an American writer, artist, TV personality and FORMER adult pornographic star, director and studio manager.

For some reason, this line has been deleted from my Wiki page, and it seems to be someone very upset with the notion that I may be all of these things, and not just the latter. I am fine with the abusive comments claiming my psychic ability and close relationship with Satan, (I have slept with a ton of men so it’s likely he was somewhere in that lot), and I’m fine with the comments doubting my sincerity in changing my life (actually I don’t give a flying fuck what haters think, just more projecting as far as I’m concerned), and while it frustrates me to no avail that these simple words documenting my progress have been changed, as Beans reminds me, sometimes it will be easier for others if they are to keep me in the light which I once stood. Some will always be more comfortable with me as Penny.

It’s interesting, the reaction to an adult star changing her life for the better. The majority of those that supported me as Penny Flame continue to do so on my quest as Jennie Ketcham. Those who never supported me as Penny Flame now hate that I am becoming Jennie Ketcham, so it appears as though I can’t win that contest. Fortunately it isn’t a contest I’m trying to win. I would be writing here if I got 0 hits a day, just as much as I’m writing with x# of hits. The amount of people that frequent this page do not make any difference on what I say. This is my recovery blog, and I’m writing it for my recovery. If it helps people that feel they are in the same boat, that’s amazing. If it doesn’t, the small changes this blog has allowed me to see, make writing here invaluable.

I love that I can go back and see where I was 6 months ago. I love that I can look at the person I was when I started this blog, and feel as though I’m different. It’s like watching the show. The girl I see on VH1 is so different than the one I am today, the feelings I experienced recorded, as if for the sole purpose of reminding me where I came from. It’s like I’m watching a different person. A very sad, lonely and different person. It makes the show easy to watch, because there is a huge gap between where I was then, and where I am today. Progress, not perfection right? I’ve been letting go of the ideals attached to perfection, and am perfectly content being imperfect. I think it makes me more interesting anyway.

Watching Oprah, or Tyra was a different experience than watching Sex Rehab. I AM the girl I saw on those shows, I am proud of myself for making these changes, I am not ashamed of my life, my choices, the place I came from. If I didn’t have this blog, if I hadn’t recorded the VH1 show, if I hadn’t done Oprah, or Tyra, yes, the changes would still be in effect, and I’d still be able to feel them. But to see them on the television changes the experience I have with myself. I had become very used to seeing myself spread eagle getting fucked, and now, if I were to run across such videos, while I wouldn’t be ashamed, I don’t identify with that person anymore, so it would be like watching a stranger. A filthy, sexy stranger, but a stranger none the less.

What baffles me are the people who will never be pleased with my actions, whether they are adult oriented or not, some people can never be pleased with others, and I’m sure these kind of people make for very interesting parents, or friends. What baffles me most is that they will go out of their way to let me know how displeased they are with my doing this in a public forum. My addiction played out in a public forum, my rehabilitation the same, why not my recovery? I am a very public person, and feel that once I put my life out there, it’s appropriate to keep it there. The positive comments from people whose story resonates with my own are proof of this: If not just for myself, then for others as well.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: I don’t doubt my sincerity behind my recovery so I’m fine with those who do. I love and cherish those who identify with my story because it lets me know that WE are not alone. I’m inspired by those who continue to frequent this page, who find strength in my changes, who see value in the things I’m doing, because it allows me to continue this path with my friends- regardless of whether we’ve ever or will ever meet. I’m no longer afraid to open my heart and be honest with the world about my feelings, and writing here is the direct cause of that. It makes me want to be this open in my personal affairs, because that is what my biggest problem has been, being intimate with those closest to me. It is a constant reminder of why I started this blog in the first place. It is an exercise in boundaries, some people I let in, and some I keep out. To those of you who are honest, and trudging this road to happy destiny with me, my hand and heart are open, and if I can be of service, please let me know. I am here for you, and myself.

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Posted in: Beautiful Days