Hi, my name is Jennie, I’m an American writer, artist, TV personality and FORMER adult pornographic star, director and studio manager.
For some reason, this line has been deleted from my Wiki page, and it seems to be someone very upset with the notion that I may be all of these things, and not just the latter. I am fine with the abusive comments claiming my psychic ability and close relationship with Satan, (I have slept with a ton of men so it’s likely he was somewhere in that lot), and I’m fine with the comments doubting my sincerity in changing my life (actually I don’t give a flying fuck what haters think, just more projecting as far as I’m concerned), and while it frustrates me to no avail that these simple words documenting my progress have been changed, as Beans reminds me, sometimes it will be easier for others if they are to keep me in the light which I once stood. Some will always be more comfortable with me as Penny.
It’s interesting, the reaction to an adult star changing her life for the better. The majority of those that supported me as Penny Flame continue to do so on my quest as Jennie Ketcham. Those who never supported me as Penny Flame now hate that I am becoming Jennie Ketcham, so it appears as though I can’t win that contest. Fortunately it isn’t a contest I’m trying to win. I would be writing here if I got 0 hits a day, just as much as I’m writing with x# of hits. The amount of people that frequent this page do not make any difference on what I say. This is my recovery blog, and I’m writing it for my recovery. If it helps people that feel they are in the same boat, that’s amazing. If it doesn’t, the small changes this blog has allowed me to see, make writing here invaluable.
I love that I can go back and see where I was 6 months ago. I love that I can look at the person I was when I started this blog, and feel as though I’m different. It’s like watching the show. The girl I see on VH1 is so different than the one I am today, the feelings I experienced recorded, as if for the sole purpose of reminding me where I came from. It’s like I’m watching a different person. A very sad, lonely and different person. It makes the show easy to watch, because there is a huge gap between where I was then, and where I am today. Progress, not perfection right? I’ve been letting go of the ideals attached to perfection, and am perfectly content being imperfect. I think it makes me more interesting anyway.
Watching Oprah, or Tyra was a different experience than watching Sex Rehab. I AM the girl I saw on those shows, I am proud of myself for making these changes, I am not ashamed of my life, my choices, the place I came from. If I didn’t have this blog, if I hadn’t recorded the VH1 show, if I hadn’t done Oprah, or Tyra, yes, the changes would still be in effect, and I’d still be able to feel them. But to see them on the television changes the experience I have with myself. I had become very used to seeing myself spread eagle getting fucked, and now, if I were to run across such videos, while I wouldn’t be ashamed, I don’t identify with that person anymore, so it would be like watching a stranger. A filthy, sexy stranger, but a stranger none the less.
What baffles me are the people who will never be pleased with my actions, whether they are adult oriented or not, some people can never be pleased with others, and I’m sure these kind of people make for very interesting parents, or friends. What baffles me most is that they will go out of their way to let me know how displeased they are with my doing this in a public forum. My addiction played out in a public forum, my rehabilitation the same, why not my recovery? I am a very public person, and feel that once I put my life out there, it’s appropriate to keep it there. The positive comments from people whose story resonates with my own are proof of this: If not just for myself, then for others as well.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: I don’t doubt my sincerity behind my recovery so I’m fine with those who do. I love and cherish those who identify with my story because it lets me know that WE are not alone. I’m inspired by those who continue to frequent this page, who find strength in my changes, who see value in the things I’m doing, because it allows me to continue this path with my friends- regardless of whether we’ve ever or will ever meet. I’m no longer afraid to open my heart and be honest with the world about my feelings, and writing here is the direct cause of that. It makes me want to be this open in my personal affairs, because that is what my biggest problem has been, being intimate with those closest to me. It is a constant reminder of why I started this blog in the first place. It is an exercise in boundaries, some people I let in, and some I keep out. To those of you who are honest, and trudging this road to happy destiny with me, my hand and heart are open, and if I can be of service, please let me know. I am here for you, and myself.
Becoming Jennie 
Marc Aversa
November 28, 2009
You sound so good, so healthy. I could not be more proud of you.
I’m sorry if when we were myspace and e-mail friends that I mostly just complimented your feet and how beautiful you are. I should have paid more attention to the girl.
I’m still here for you Jennie, for whatever you need.
YourMarc
P
November 28, 2009
I love your blogs, but I do believe you should keep your personal relationships private after your year is complete, your awesome!
Michelle Grimaud
November 28, 2009
I read your bolgs. I actually love them because of the honesty that is found within them. You are on a road. Sometimes while traveling down that road you will ecounter people who will try to rob you of what you have worked so hard to earn. At other times you will encounter a person that is damaged and lost and you will be able to offer that person hope and a chance for postitive change. Screw anyone that is fighting against you, or that is trying to rob you of what you have been diligently working for. There are people that do not even know you on a personal level but care deeply for you anyway, and that are do very proud of you.
Michelle
Bolland
November 28, 2009
Hey have you ever thought about making vlogs on youtube!?????????
Bolland
November 28, 2009
you can edit wikipedia 🙂
Jonathan
November 28, 2009
Great post, Jennie!
I understand how people come to the conclusion that you are a fame junkie. I don’t watch a lot of “reality TV”, because much of what I see makes me skeptical. Since I have been in recovery for alcohol, drugs and now sex I watch Sex Rehab (and Celebrity Drug Rehab) with a different eye than many viewers. When you have been in meetings, you recognize the people being honest with themselves. When you have been in recovery, you hear the words people use when talking about their struggles and the truth resonates. It seems to me like you get a lot of support from people that are in (or have been in) recovery. Most of the haters SEEM to be people not connected with recovery, whether because they don’t need it, or because they DO need it but haven’t gotten there yet.
You are doing a great thing by sharing your journey. Your ratio of hater to supporter seems remarkably (and deservedly) low. I hope the love continues to outweigh the hate and you are able to keep the comments open.
(I think you would have remembered someone with a tail and horns.)
Genavieve
November 28, 2009
You sound like you’re taking the comments in stride. Your recovery isn’t for anyone but you; the fact that someone can take inspiration or strength from it is wonderful, but that’s not the point.
There will always be those who are so full of self loathing that it spill out into the world. When you were Penny, you fit into a nice, comfy stereotype. As you defy that and become Jenny (who you have always been, really), others aren’t so comfy. Some people will have a lot more trouble with this than others.
You keep rockin’ on and doin’ what you do. Those who love you know who you are and what you’re about even if your Wiki page keeps being “edited.” Let that be one of the things you just let go.
Jonathan
November 28, 2009
Or would that be a high ratio? Whatever, you know what I mean.
JMA
November 28, 2009
Hey Jennie, I don’t doubt your sincerity in the least bit, I applaud you! You have caused me to do some soul searching since I saw the tv show & found you here! I now realize I have intimacy issues. I see I let people in but only so far & have a very hard time asking for help. The fear that if they knew me better they might not like me is prevalent. From the reading I am doing, it really does seem to originate from events in my childhood & as a defense mechanism I began building a wall. I am making an effort to tear it down & open my heart & be more honest about what’s inside. I have never liked or felt comfortable with writing, but have always enjoyed people who could let their word, thoughts & feelings flow. I am finding that my fear of public speaking also stems from this. I have for as long as I can remember, hated that feeling of being so out there & exposed, it just scares me to death. Thank you for having the courage to be this transparent & emotionally exposed. I also like being able to read where you have been & where you are today, it gives me hope! Good luck on your new budding friendship & thank you for your hand of friendship! A big hug to u!!!!
JK
November 28, 2009
I’m sure it is annoying and sometimes difficult to put up with others who just can’t find anything nice to say. You have to look past them and look at the positive side. I like reading your blog and letting others see things from another perspective than their own. You’re right on the money about the perfect part… none of us are perfect and we never will be… if your heart is in the right place and you keep trying to do your best then good things will come.
Thanks for letting the rest of us share in your life and in your feelings… we are rooting for you!
STH
November 28, 2009
I found that it really shook people up in my family and among my friends when I started to turn my life around. You expect people to be supportive, but frequently they’re very hostile because what you’re doing (trying to live in a more constructive, healthy way) throws their destructive actions into sharp relief. Also, I think that you’ve shaken the little fantasy that some people have about porn–that there’s no dark side to it, no drug abuse, just constantly-horny people having fun without consequences.
chris
November 28, 2009
I know from experience in working with people working to overcome obsessions/addictions, that it is difficult to “just be” (sit with the feelings rather than look for avoidances, etc). I can imagine that can be doubly hard if you have a chorus of people pushing your buttons, telling you how you should feel, etc…
Poncho
November 28, 2009
Hey Jennie,
Just want to say I’m a fan of your blog, it gives me a break from work and though I’m not really addicted to anything it’s nice to see a writer be so truthful. p.s. you should put up a pic with each entry like you used to, that was cool. Good luck lady, and there are haters every where so fuck’um! not literally though.
Elise
November 28, 2009
You kick ass! Keep doing what you’re doing and I shall keep reading! Your posts lift up my day.
Tspoon
November 28, 2009
It’s great to see someone making an effort to change and be the person they want to be. Too many people are afraid to put in the work. I love reading your blog because it is an affirmation that people have problems and that if they accept it they will move forward. Props to you.
Ophelia Crane
November 28, 2009
Brava, dear.
Haters will hate. It’s their job to do so. So let them.
You keep going. This blog, your life, isn’t for them — or us for that matter — it’s for you. You are better for the change you made. Those who truly love you will continue to love you, good, bad, and indifferent and that’s all that matters.
Be famous, be public, be private, whatever. Just be true to yourself and you’ll be fine. ❤
Jeezy
November 28, 2009
I love this blog, Jennie, and I think you’re fascinating and wish you the best of luck on this transition, but you do need to realize that all you’re doing now is putting yourself out there in a form of emotional pornographic exhibitionism that isn’t really that different from your former career. The VH1 show is as exploitative as porn itself, despite Dr. Drew’s “serious” facial expressions. If you’re going to be a writer, you need to be honest about the exploitation of emotion/trauma, and how it relates to pornography. If you can express this, you’ll have profound things to say.
Mike Diboll
November 28, 2009
A good, sound post; you’re right on track. Well done, keep at it; like all of us, it’s all about ‘distance travelled’ on our journeys, whatever bystandes with entrenched positions and prejudices might say. Keep at it, Jennie; wicked posts, wonderful journey. God bless you.
MC
November 28, 2009
You are blossoming like a flower. Unfortunately, there will always be people who feel the need to stomp on the flowers. It makes them feel bigger. They’re not.
Great artwork btw.
CanadaPat
November 28, 2009
Hey SUPERstar JENNIE kETCHUM!
This hater thing has got to be so annoying for you. I don’t blame you a single bit for feeling a bit hurt or sensitive when you are working SOOOO hard every day on your new life in recovery. You are doing it right. Making recovery the centerpiece of daily living. “Surrendering your will and your life…” in a very concrete way, day in and day out.
What a conundrum though!
Public recovery for a public addict.
Provocative subject! You are SUCH an interesting person!
It would seem that you are experiencing both the pro’s and the con’s of public life. These toxic responses appear to the inevitable downside to publicizing your recovery.
I will venture to suggest that the two cannot be separated or controlled.
But those in recovery who understand shame get that you are doing this to oppose every addicts drive to hide and conceal and believe ourselves useless and unworthy. Not to offer yourself up as some idol to be worshiped.
Just remember:
For SHAME BASED people VULNERABILITY is iNTOLERABLE. It is the enemy. Something to be denied in the self and punished in others. As if bullying others would crush out the inherent vulnerability of life itself.
To use is to deny the precious weakness of the human heart.
Bless you Jennie Ketchum. It’s not your fault we need to build up celebrities just so we can make ourselves feel better by tearing them down.
Yet allow me a caution:
there is potential for ego to slip in anywhere.
I suggest let no one be mistaken that this blog is about TEARING DOWN PENNY FLAME not building up some new Trojan horse in your life.
Pamplemousse
November 28, 2009
I like you.
Jonathan
November 28, 2009
ditto
Michael
November 28, 2009
People often fear what they don’t understand, which seems the harsh hatred of words coming your ways. Me on the other hand, I appreciate your openness over the matter and it’s helped me focus on my trouble. Thanks for writing and keep it up, it’s amazing to see your transformation. Good job Jennie
c
November 28, 2009
Jennie, you are being of service through your writing and your openness and honesty. You’re an amazing woman and wise beyond your years. I love reading your posts and your reflections on sobriety. They help me in my own recovery.
bundyphile
November 28, 2009
Jennie, you sound so very confident in your identity. You really seem to know who you are! I find that inspirational because I have always questioned myself. Thanks for posting this blog. 🙂
D
November 28, 2009
Good afternoon Jennie,
We can always better ourselves, for ourselves…don’t ever do it to satisfy someone else….anyways…congrats and keep blogging.
Rox1SMF
November 28, 2009
Keep doing what you’re doing, Jennie. It’s clearly helping YOU and that’s what really matters; better still that it’s helping others, too, just by being here… letting them know they’re not alone.
Thanks for sharing, and thanks for choosing recovery. Each and every person who does is one more who serves as an inspiration to others. Lives are turned around and saved, sanity restored to broken families.
Let the haters hate. The positive effect of what you’re doing far outstrips their negative BS.
Jim
November 28, 2009
Thumbs up!!! Hang in there!!!!
Christopher
November 28, 2009
I write my blog to see where I have been and where I want to go. Change is hard and the under taking of it brave. You always have me reading.
Michael
November 28, 2009
Jennie
Congrats to you for what you have accomplished and for the success you deserve. You need to continue to be proud of yourself and remember, those that truly matter will be there to support you and to share in your successes. Those who criticize and belittle you and your efforts, well frankly they don’t matter on iota.
I wish you all the success in the world and i am inspired by your, so for that I thank you!
msay
November 28, 2009
If I were you, I would just take solace in the fact that despite what anyone says, or doesn’t say, on wikipedia or on comments here, that nothing you have ever done, or will ever do will be any worse than anything anyone else has done. In the end, we’ve all fallen short.
And if that doesn’t work out for you the accuracy of a plethora of wikipedia articles is dubious at best.
msay
November 28, 2009
I may or may not also be a broken record.
Peter Holden
November 28, 2009
Remember Jennie… “Always look out for number one… but don’t step in number twos!”
Always a pleasure to read, and no-one should worry about the nay-sayers.
No matter what we do in this life, we cannot please everyone… all we can do, is do our best 🙂
George
November 28, 2009
Thanks for expressing yourself and being so true and honest. It’s so refreshing.
Secrets make us sick!
I spent the holiday weekend by myself, trapped in my addiction. So sad. Damn I’m hurting.
Please keep sharing, Jennie!
You kick azz!
G
Steve
November 28, 2009
I read your latest entry awhile ago and I’ve been thinking about it since then. I generally don’t comment on blogs but, I felt like I needed to say this. I’ve been clean and sober for 20 years now. Recently I was asked to fill a vacant position on an elected commitee. I have a history just like many of us. Since I got sober I’ve kept myself out of trouble and managed to redeem myself in at least some peoples eyes. A couple of nights ago one of the members of the commitee I was supposed to become a member of stopped by and told me they didn’t want me. Not the chairman who had asked me in the first place but a few of the other members and this particular person didn’t want me to be a part of their group..
I didn’t seek this position. I would never have done so in fact.
The fact is that those folks felt morally superior to me I think. Even though they have no idea who I’ve become or the kind of person I am now.
Hang in there sometimes it just doesn’t get any better and all we can do is move forward.
The RedHeaded Rambler
November 29, 2009
I recently happened across the show “Sex Rehab” and learned of your story. Just wanted to drop a line and encourage you to stay strong and keep moving forward. Its going to be rough sometimes. I know, I’m walking my on path in recovery from mental illness. I know what its like not to be understood, the isolation, the frustration. Your story gives me hope as I travel along in my own journey to recovery.
Sincerely,
The RedHeaded Rambler
P.S.
Also don’t beat yourself up so much. You are allowed to get frustrated and down from time to time. Its gonna happen and it’s okay.
Joe
November 29, 2009
Hi Jennie,
First and foremost, I’d like to let you know how inspirational you are. Inside and out you are strong, as is anyone who can come face to face with their addiction and change their entire life so quickly. Don’t let any asshole on the internet tell you that you are inadequate. You are an individual. Penny Flame has not, and never will, define Jennie Ketcham, she is just a mask you have cast aside and no longer need. Some people may not be able to accept this, but the only thing that’s important is that YOU accept it.
I often have days where I’m overwhelmed by despair, to the point I cannot leave the bed I awake in. On these days, I will often think of Jennie Ketcham and her inspiring story rather than turning always to sedation, trying to disconnect my head. I draw from your words, the strength seeping through them and bleeding into me. If I ever escape this dark place, if I ever overcome the drugs that flooze around my conscious, your blog and your story will have had no small part in it. Thank you, Jennie, I sincerely mean that.
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are stronger in the broken places”
-Ernest Hemingway
Lance
November 29, 2009
Jennie you have to look no farther than A-Rod to see how someone can go from hero to chump. When he was in Seattle he was the talk of the town and put on a high pedestal. He said he was going to leave the Mariners to play for a winning team that would go to the the World Series. Instead he went to the Texas Rangers for big money and no chance in our lifetime of ever seeing the World Series.
Many fans will never like him again because he did something they do not like. You are in a similar boat. There are many who will cheer for you to make a nice recovery and enjoy the rest of your life doing what you want but there is a small crowd who wish they could keep you the way you were. Ironically if someone made them live that lifestyle they would be thinking of a way to get out after a while.
Just watching you on VH1 I can see the teenager with all of her vulnerabilities, I can see the hurt and notice how much you are doing on the show to work toward’s recovery. Keep your eye on the prize, it is bigger than any trophy.
Kebin Cee
November 29, 2009
Jennie,
Seeing you on VH1, and reading your blog, and seeing how much you’ve changed and the progress you’ve made, it’s amazing and I applaud and support you every step of the way.
You inspire me. Thank you for that.
Jelly
November 29, 2009
I am on that journey also and would love to join anyone else going that way. It’s good to know your there for people that genuienly care as so am I. Have a great day!
Michael
November 30, 2009
(I left you a present under “Who in the world am I? etc.)
Frankly Jennie, I never heard of you before the Sex Rehab show. Fame (or infamy) comes in lots of forms I guess, and it has plenty of potential for abuse too.
I watch therapy shows like those on VH1, Intervention and the like for tips useful in my own recovery. It’s difficult for me to watch you guys in so much pain, even though I know it passes as you gain understanding from overcoming the obstacles. It does remind me to do whatever it takes to keep my own channels open so I can be authentic and emotionally integrated.
Antiquated Tory
November 30, 2009
Well, I’d never heard of you as Jennie or Penny before a friend linked to this post, but hurrah for getting yourself sorted, and to Hell with anyone who gives you a hard time. If they read the Bible sometime they would know that the redeemed prodigal is all the more to be beloved. Well, if they read the Bible with an open mind, that is.
DCV
December 1, 2009
Even the name “Penny” seems 2-dimensional and hollow now. I much prefer Jennie. 🙂 Keep up the good work.
christalball
December 4, 2009
our homies pretty much wrote what i thought about writing, so all i have to add is: Jennie Ketcham is RULING! ….and to the hate mob, see if my Mantra works for you. it may sound negative, but really it’s not;^) “it’s not my problem!” that’s right sweetie, it’s THEIRS:^)
M.Gujtierrez
December 7, 2009
Hey!!! I just read about you on AOL:) Congrats on your postive changes!!!:) It’s not easy evolving!!! Recognizing what is going on and tackling it head on is a great feat:) KUDOS!!! Keep it up sista!!!!!
AJC
December 7, 2009
Interesting stuff. I’ve been watching the sex rehab show and while I don’t care for the Kari-anne/Kendra fiasco I do find yours, Phil, Amber and Duncan’s stories and trials great food for thought.
Here’s hoping you continue to find your way in life; I’ll be sure to pop in and read your blog to see how it’s going.
Good luck!
Pete
December 17, 2009
I’m always amazed at how many haters there are, compared to the opposite! Kinda like it’s easier to destroy than to build! I stay away from negative people in general, but it always seems that they are the ones the public wants to hear most on tv, radio and other media. Makes me sad! 😦
jack
March 11, 2010
I wish you were still getting spread eagle fucked that was my favorite thing haha